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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,298 Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:09,718 What an absolutely terrific place to live! 3 00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:12,304 We have no crime here, and why? 4 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:16,642 It's not because we hang, draw and quarter people for parking violations 5 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,810 or disembowel litter louts. 6 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:21,480 No, it's because of the people of Britain. 7 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:25,609 They are the bestest, goodliest people on God's fair Earth! 8 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:30,364 And it is these everyday folksters that we look at for a bit today. 9 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,199 Keep it real. 10 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,369 Morning! Afternoon! 11 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,746 Emily and Florence are transvestites. 12 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:42,668 Some people are intolerant of transvestism, but live and let live, I say. 13 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:46,713 Everyone is equal and deserves the same rights, apart from lezzers. 14 00:00:49,842 --> 00:00:52,261 Oh, now, let me do the talking. 15 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,890 Oh, aren't these ladies' dresses delightful, my lady friend? 16 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,393 Yes, Emily. This one's very you, I think. 17 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,062 Hello. Can I help you, ladies? 18 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,147 Oh! 19 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:08,819 Hello. Yes, I am getting married and I would like to purchase a dress, please. 20 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:13,657 - For your fianc�e? - No, for me. I am a lady. 21 00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:21,999 Oh, yes. And we require a bridesmaid's dress for my young lady friend here, Florence. 22 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:25,711 Yes, I'm ever so excited. I've never been a bridesmaid before. 23 00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:28,297 I'm only 15, you see. 24 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:33,218 - What sort of dress are you looking for? - A lady's dress that ladies wear. 25 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:36,513 White, of course, with frilly bits...and shit. 26 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,435 - This one is very nice. - Excuse me. Elizabeth! 27 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,354 - Yes? - Have we got any of the Marie Antoinettes? 28 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,523 What size? 29 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,901 One to fit a man. 30 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,695 A large man. 31 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:55,657 (ELIZABETH) I don't think so. I'll have a look in the stock room. 32 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:59,036 - (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, and any bridesmaid's outfits! 33 00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:02,956 For a short, fat bloke...with a moustache. 34 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,881 (EMILY) Oh! 35 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,717 (DEEP VOICE) I can't get this bloody thing on! 36 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,220 Ladies' noises. 37 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,683 Oh, Emily, you look simply divine! 38 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,978 This man I'm marrying will be so pleased. 39 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,105 - How's the fit? - It's perfect. 40 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:30,859 - I'm normally an eight and this is a ten, so... - If you're sure. 41 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:34,613 Quite sure. I'll just go and pop my clothes back on. 42 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:42,120 - Pretty as a peach. - Oh! 43 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:51,588 Britain is a democracy where any citizen can become Prime Minister, 44 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:54,424 as long as they've got a degree and aren't black. 45 00:02:55,592 --> 00:03:00,597 Today, the Prime Minister is having a very important summit with the American President. 46 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:05,561 I hear what you say, but I think what you're proposing is an abuse of our friendship. 47 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:09,189 Look, there are no half measures. 48 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:13,610 Either you are with the United States on this or you are against us. 49 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,867 I think we'll have to take advice from the United Nations 50 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,662 because I refuse to be bullied into making a snap decision. 51 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,709 The United Nations can go to hell! 52 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:34,256 If you want the special relationship with our country to continue, you have to start delivering! 53 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:46,768 Before you rush into anything, perhaps you'd like to see what the British intelligence has to say. 54 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:52,149 And perhaps you'd like to see what the CIA has gathered. 55 00:03:56,445 --> 00:04:00,657 Sebastian, could you get the document for the President, please? 56 00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:04,244 Yes, Prime Minister. I'll get it right now, Prime Minister. 57 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:10,834 Marvin, can you get the CIA files for the Prime Minister, please? 58 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,296 Yes, sir, Mr President, sir! 59 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,513 My Prime Minister is much better than your President! 60 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:26,517 Mr President's big and powerful. Your Prime Minister sucks! 61 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,353 - How dare you! - Get your hands off me! 62 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,939 Get your hands off me! 63 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:36,068 - What on earth is going on? - (BOTH TALK AT ONCE) 64 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,237 That's enough! 65 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,989 - He was the one who started it. - Enough! 66 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:46,662 Mr President, we have to go to the photo call. 67 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:54,419 This behaviour is completely inappropriate. You're making a difficult situation a lot worse. 68 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,630 Let me handle this. 69 00:04:56,755 --> 00:05:00,133 You two should be ashamed of yourselves. 70 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:04,847 Two senior aides acting like a pair of third graders! 71 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,974 You're an embarrassment! 72 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,566 (BOTH) Ooh! 73 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:26,493 Mrs DeVere has been staying at Hill Grange Health Spa for five months now 74 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,037 and has so far lost nearly an ounce. 75 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:34,001 Mrs DeVere! Oh, Mrs DeVere, I need to speak to you about this unpaid bill. 76 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,628 Mrs DeVere! 77 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,925 Hurry up! Good morning! 78 00:05:43,594 --> 00:05:48,140 - Hello, Baz. Hello, Mrs Papadopoulos. - Mrs DeVere! 79 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,393 My turn now, darling. 80 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,562 Quickly, off! 81 00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,731 Thank you. 82 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,071 - Mrs DeVere! - Call me Bubbles. 83 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:06,867 - Can I have a word? - Can't you see I'm on the solari bed, darling? 84 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:11,413 I need to resolve this payment situation. You owe us nearly �20,000 now. 85 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:15,042 I will discuss this with you as soon as I'm done, darling. 86 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:25,302 Mrs DeVere, you've been under there for over three hours now. 87 00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:27,471 All right, darling. 88 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:45,030 Will you excuse me for a moment, please, Mr Hutton? I am a little bit on fire. 89 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:57,376 Today, Lou is taking his friend Andy to a local pub. 90 00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:02,089 No. 91 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,263 Do I look all right? 92 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,391 - Andy? - Yeah. 93 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:19,356 Now, you know I've been seeing a lot more of Anya recently since she got her visa through. 94 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:22,526 I want you two to get to know each other, all right? 95 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:25,279 - Yeah, I know. - Oh, here she is. 96 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,410 - (POLISH ACCENT) Hello, Lou. - Hello, Anya. 97 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,871 - May I say you are looking lovely? - Oh! 98 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,041 There we are. 99 00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:41,670 This is Anya who I was telling you about. 100 00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:44,506 Hello. I'm Anya. 101 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,134 - Yeah, I know. - Take a seat. 102 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:51,513 Now, let me get everybody a drink. Anya, what would you like? 103 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,352 - Pint of bitter, please. - ''Pint of bitter, please.'' 104 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:01,106 - Erm, Andy? - Don't want nothin'. 105 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,152 Now, don't be silly. What do you want? 106 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,529 A pint and another one. 107 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,032 OK. Won't be a mo. 108 00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:16,705 So, Andy... 109 00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:19,541 Lou tells me a lot about you. 110 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,420 He is a very nice man, isn't he? 111 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,381 I like him very much. 112 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,525 Oh, my goodness! What happened? 113 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,402 She pushed me. 114 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,239 No! 115 00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:53,617 You evil Pole! 116 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,747 Being at university is a very harsh basket 117 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:03,001 with students having to attend anything up to one lecture a term. 118 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:07,881 - I'm sure I can finish it by the end of the week. - When's it due in? 119 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,175 Today. 120 00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:12,511 I'll ring Martin and see. 121 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,100 Hello, Martin, it's Linda. 122 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:23,230 Yep, I've got a student here. Needs an extension on her feminist poetry essay. 123 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:27,901 It's Joanna Harding. Jo Harding. 124 00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,612 Er, how can I describe her? 125 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:34,199 Quite short hair, a few piercings. 126 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:37,911 Wears a lot of black, combat trousers. 127 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,123 That's right, the big, fat lesbian. 128 00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,083 Yeah. 129 00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:46,086 Friday will be fine. 130 00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:50,632 Meanwhile, in Little Bentcock, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie 131 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:54,344 how one of his patients, Anne, is getting on in her new job. 132 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:59,892 Of an evening when it's still light, we encourage Anne to leave the hospital and work here. 133 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:01,852 Watch this. 134 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,938 No, it's very quiet today. Call you back later. 135 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,901 - Hello, Anne. - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 136 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,279 Can I have a pair of size-nine bowling shoes, please? 137 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,449 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 138 00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:18,827 Eh! 139 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,622 No, size-nine bowling shoes, please, Anne. 140 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,874 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 141 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:29,588 Thank you very much, Anne. See you later. 142 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,935 FatFighters is a very valuable organisation which offers help and support 143 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:47,356 to those who are serious about losing weight, like these fat bastards. 144 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,858 Eighteen stone five. 145 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,152 You've put on again, haven't you? 146 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,697 - Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it? - No. 147 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:59,493 See, your problem is, Tanya, you're fat and old. 148 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:03,288 It's harder. And there's no man, is there? You're on your own. 149 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:06,458 - Yes, my husband left me. - Well, he would've done. 150 00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:09,086 Younger woman, weren't it? 49, yeah. 151 00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:12,381 So, you're on your own now every night crying and eating. 152 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:17,636 Yes. Well, at least you've got all of us here at FatFighters to make you feel better. Off you pop. 153 00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,807 Oh, she stinks an' all! 154 00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:25,519 Pat, you're next. Pat. Pat, Pat. 155 00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:30,148 - Fatty Patty boom-boom! - Oh, seventeen stone two. 156 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,527 Oh, no! You've gone up an' all. Two pounds! 157 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:37,823 - I was doing so well. - Don't matter. I like something to hold on to. 158 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:43,161 - Sorry, what was that? - It was a joke. We've started seeing each other. 159 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,330 Eugh! 160 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,959 Eugh! 161 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:51,795 - How long's this been going on? - Couple of weeks. 162 00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:54,840 Couple of weeks? Eugh! 163 00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:58,886 Mind you, in a way, it does make sense, two fatties together. 164 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,097 Yeah, you do often get that, fat on fat. 165 00:12:02,264 --> 00:12:05,475 Maybe we shall have our first FatFighters' wedding. 166 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:10,439 In English, if you are gonna say anything. How does the mechanics of your lovemaking work? 167 00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:14,568 Do you have to use a winch or do you have a system of weights and pulleys? 168 00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:17,863 - What kind of question's that? - No, I don't wanna know. 169 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:22,826 But when you do get two fatties together, or fat love, they often do pile it on. 170 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,455 Do you see? There's no incentive because they're both fat. 171 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:28,790 Yeah, well, I think she's lovely. 172 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:33,754 That's not helping her. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Pat is morbidly obese. 173 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:38,467 In fact, I've only ever seen one person fatter than Pat and that was Barbapapa. 174 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:43,639 The kindest thing is to chuck her and tell her to give you a call when she's lost a few stone. 175 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:47,809 - Thanks, Marjorie. - That's no problem, Pat. I'm only thinking of you. 176 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:54,149 I really care about you because you are now really an enormous, fat pig. 177 00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:58,946 Paul, you're next. 178 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:08,705 Over in Llandewi Breffi, devoted homosexualist Dafydd Thomas is taking part in a village fete. 179 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,586 - Hello, Dafydd. - Good afternoon. 180 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,756 Oh! How much are your poppers? 181 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:21,385 - This is a gay stall for gays only. - My grandson's gay. 182 00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,554 It's probably just a phase. 183 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,266 Hello, Mrs Williams. Lovely flowers in the church. Thank you. 184 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:31,061 My pleasure, Vicar. Oh, have you met Dafydd? 185 00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:35,065 - I don't think I have. - Dafydd Thomas, the only gay in the village. 186 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,651 Hello. I'm Glyn, the new vicar. 187 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:43,282 What would the church make of my gay stall? I'm not moving. I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it! 188 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:48,537 It's wonderful that you're here. I want to bring more gay people from the village into the church. 189 00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:50,747 ''Gay person.'' 190 00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:55,711 - Do these butt plugs come with batteries? - Put that down! 191 00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:58,380 A gay stall! Isn't that lovely, darling? 192 00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:01,592 - Hello, I'm the verger. - What was that? 193 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,678 We're a couple. We met at my last parish. 194 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,764 And you had to come here! I don't know why I bother! 195 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,601 It's a cause for celebration. You're gay, we're gay. 196 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:13,854 - I shall write to the bishop. - Don't bother. He's gay. 197 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:17,900 - Actually, he's bi. - Whatever happened to religious homophobia? 198 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:22,863 Oh, it's all change, dear. Oh, this would be very nice for the archdeacon! 199 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:27,743 - Oh, yes. Have you got one in black? -That's disgusting! Right, I'm off! 200 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,995 - Where are you going? - I can't stay! 201 00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:33,373 - What's the matter? - I'm the only gay in this village! 202 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,502 I've said it before, Vicar, and I'll say it again. 203 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,922 What that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse! 204 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,094 Look, if you could ask, I'd really appreciate it. 205 00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,805 OK, I'll see what I can do. 206 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:58,482 Martin, it's Linda. I've got a student here who needs the rest of the week off. Personal reasons. 207 00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:01,276 Mum's ill. 208 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,737 Yeah, it's Kenneth Lao. 209 00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:07,157 Erm, how can I describe him? 210 00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:11,245 He's got straight black hair, yellowish skin. 211 00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:14,498 Slight smell of soy sauce. 212 00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:19,503 That's it, the ching-chong Chinaman. 213 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,463 OK. 214 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,299 He says that's fine. 215 00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:33,183 At this restaurant in Harlot, 216 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:37,479 Harvey and Jane's parents are meeting each other for the first time. 217 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,482 ..in raising a toast to Harvey and Jane. 218 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:43,110 - Harvey and Jane. - Harvey and Jane. 219 00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:45,404 To us. 220 00:15:45,571 --> 00:15:48,073 Certainly got our work cut out for September. 221 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,951 Shall I see if the golf club's free for the reception? 222 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:54,079 - Thank you. That'd be great. - Still hungry. 223 00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:57,416 - We'll have something when you get back. - Hungry. 224 00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,877 When our eldest daughter got married, 225 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:03,881 she decided she wanted to have it in a very small village church. 226 00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:06,049 - Bitty. - No, darling. 227 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:09,094 The church only held a hundred and she wanted... 228 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:11,388 - Bitty! - Not bitty now, bitty later. 229 00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:14,183 Mum has a list of some people she'd like to invite. 230 00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,019 Yes, we've got some family in New Zealand. 231 00:16:17,186 --> 00:16:20,272 - Bitty! - Darling, you've just had pudding! 232 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,482 Bitty, bitty! 233 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,651 Excuse me. 234 00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:35,621 You were saying? 235 00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,873 Oh, well... 236 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:42,586 We were just saying that we can...do that list. 237 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,922 - Coffee? - Oh, lovely. 238 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:49,593 - Are you having coffee, son? - No, thanks, Daddy. I'm fine with milk. 239 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:55,098 Hard, isn't it? All these relatives you see once a year - bloody bores! 240 00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:58,018 And you feel you have to invite them. 241 00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,811 Yes. 242 00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:03,106 - They never do bring enough. - Oh, let me. 243 00:17:05,651 --> 00:17:07,361 Oh, sorry! 244 00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:16,453 - There. - Now... 245 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,753 (SLURPS) Oh, lovely! 246 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,256 So, do you follow the cricket? 247 00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:35,764 Banks in Britain are extremely popular. 248 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:39,518 In fact, there's nothing I like more than a jolly good bank. 249 00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,402 - How old is he? - Go on, tell the nice lady. 250 00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:52,990 - Nearly six. - Nearly...six. 251 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:56,910 He's got some money from his uncle and wants to open a bank account. 252 00:17:57,077 --> 00:18:00,539 Well, we do have a Junior Saver Account. 253 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,376 You get a free Percy Piggy Bank. 254 00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:08,338 - Oink, oink! - Oh, lovely! 255 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:12,551 And you get entered into a prize draw to win a free trip to EuroDisney. 256 00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:16,763 Oh, I think he'd like to open one of these, please. Wouldn't you? 257 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:22,603 Computer says no. 258 00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:30,569 (COUGHS) 259 00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:39,411 It's a school day, so Vicky Pollard has taken herself off to the park. 260 00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:50,797 Hi, Carl. 261 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,133 - Hi, um... - Vicky. 262 00:18:55,052 --> 00:18:57,054 Move, actually! 263 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:06,313 So, uh... Are you going down Kelly's party later? 264 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,524 - Might do. - I'll go with you, yeah? 265 00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:13,529 - If I go, I'll go with Bethany. - You always try to get off with my boyfriend! 266 00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:16,198 Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that! 267 00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:21,370 Like when I threw Sunita's Nokia in the canal and she's like, ''You've got to buy me another one!'' 268 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:25,749 I'm like, ''Get over it!'' Then Paul stirred it up, saying I fancied Mark Benny. 269 00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:28,919 Just because I have sex with someone doesn't mean I fancy him! 270 00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:32,130 Everyone's jealous since I saw Christina Aguilera on the bus. 271 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:34,174 - You never saw her. - I did! 272 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:37,719 You're such a liar! Stop trying to get off with my boyfriend! 273 00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:42,891 Eugh! Don't be disgusting! Why would I fancy him? Eugh, mingin'! He's well gay, anyway! 274 00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:46,103 Rochelle said you told her you well fancy him. Did you? 275 00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:51,817 No but, yeah but, no but, I didn't and Rochelle's well gonna get beatings now for saying that! 276 00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:56,113 What about the time she didn't go to Sunita's house 'cause her dad was ill? 277 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,365 All he had was a brain haemorrhage! 278 00:19:58,532 --> 00:20:01,994 Carl does fancy me because he passed me a note in metalwork, 279 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,746 saying he wanted to touch my Forest of Dean. 280 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,291 Piss off! 281 00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:11,044 Don't worry! I was going anyway, you pair of total lesbo spackers! 282 00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:13,797 If I see either of you again, you're both dead! 283 00:20:16,425 --> 00:20:18,927 Can you give me a hand up, please? 284 00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:23,682 Thanks. 285 00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,311 I'm more confident on the roads. 286 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,649 Jeremy Rent is an actors' agent. 287 00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:37,321 I haven't heard from my agent for many years, but then she is hopelessly dead. 288 00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:41,950 Lovely. So that's a confirmed booking for my client Melvyn Hayes 289 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:47,122 to appear as Buttons in ''Cinderella'' at the Harlequin Theatre, Red Hill, this Christmas. 290 00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:51,210 Oh, yes, the fee. How does �200 a week sound? 291 00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:55,881 Well, I'm sorry, but I can't afford to pay you any more. Goodbye! 292 00:20:56,048 --> 00:20:58,425 (FLY BUZZES) 293 00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:02,221 - Dennis Waterman to see you. - Lovely. Send him in. 294 00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:04,765 Hello! 295 00:21:04,932 --> 00:21:07,518 - Hello, Den! - Hot today, isn't it? 296 00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:10,646 - Yes, it's sweltering. - I brought you a can of pop. 297 00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:13,732 That's very kind. Do you need a hand bringing it in? 298 00:21:13,899 --> 00:21:16,109 Oh, no, I'll be fine. 299 00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,695 (FLY BUZZES) 300 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,906 Ohhhh! 301 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:27,037 Uhhhh! 302 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,544 Thank you very much. 303 00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:38,841 Oh, lovely, thank you. I've had a call from the people at Birds Eye. 304 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,093 - (BUZZING) - Is there a fly in here? 305 00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:44,388 - Don't worry, it won't hurt you. - Aaagh! 306 00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:48,809 - Oh! Oh! - Ignore it. It'll fly away. 307 00:21:51,270 --> 00:21:55,482 They're making new adverts and they want you to be Captain Birds Eye. 308 00:21:55,649 --> 00:22:00,362 So, they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 309 00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:03,198 - They've already got a song. - Yeah, I know it. 310 00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:07,160 # They're bigger than most and tastier Do-do-do, do-do 311 00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:11,123 # That's why I'm the Captain of the Fishfinger Do-do-do, do-do 312 00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:14,751 # They're called fishfingers But they're not fingers of fish 313 00:22:14,918 --> 00:22:17,129 # 'Cause fish actually have fins... # 314 00:22:17,796 --> 00:22:19,798 Oh, dear. 315 00:22:20,549 --> 00:22:22,509 Very hot today, isn't it? 316 00:22:22,676 --> 00:22:25,220 Well, why don't you try this? 317 00:22:26,597 --> 00:22:29,975 Ohhh! Ohhhhhhhh! 318 00:22:30,142 --> 00:22:33,270 Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! 319 00:22:34,438 --> 00:22:38,150 - (KNOCKING) - Come in... Oh, hello, Paul. 320 00:22:38,275 --> 00:22:42,279 Hi. I have the form here. I just need the head of department to sign it. 321 00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:45,240 Take a seat. I'll just see if he's in his office. 322 00:22:48,827 --> 00:22:50,787 Hello, Martin. It's Linda. 323 00:22:50,954 --> 00:22:55,459 I've Paul Roberts here. Needs you to sign his grant application form. 324 00:22:55,626 --> 00:22:58,921 You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. 325 00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:03,759 Shoulder-length brown hair, wears a lot of jewellery. 326 00:23:05,010 --> 00:23:08,847 Looks up a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. 327 00:23:09,014 --> 00:23:11,141 That's it, the ''oompa loompa''. 328 00:23:14,228 --> 00:23:16,647 He says go straight up. 329 00:23:22,110 --> 00:23:24,404 # Oompa, loompa, doompity do... # 330 00:23:25,781 --> 00:23:30,244 It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a video. 331 00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:33,997 I watched a video once. It was called ''Memorex E-180''. 332 00:23:34,164 --> 00:23:36,166 It was rather dull. 333 00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:40,087 - Actually, I was just about to close... - It won't take long. 334 00:23:41,171 --> 00:23:43,173 What is it you're looking for? 335 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:47,803 I'd like to rent a film starring Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis as undercover cops 336 00:23:47,970 --> 00:23:52,266 who pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal, certificate 15. 337 00:23:53,308 --> 00:23:55,894 Oh. I don't think I know that film. 338 00:23:57,062 --> 00:23:59,565 Margaret knows all the films. One moment. 339 00:23:59,731 --> 00:24:02,234 Margaret! Margaret! 340 00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:12,828 Yes? 341 00:24:12,953 --> 00:24:17,749 A gentleman here wants to know if we've got a video starring Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis 342 00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,378 as undercover cops who pose as rappers to foil a drug deal. 343 00:24:21,545 --> 00:24:24,423 - Certificate 15. - Certificate 15. 344 00:24:24,590 --> 00:24:27,551 - Oh, I don't know. - Oh, she doesn't know. 345 00:24:27,718 --> 00:24:33,182 It actually ends up with them having to take part in a rap competition. It is very amusing. 346 00:24:34,266 --> 00:24:36,810 - What's it called? - You know what it's called? 347 00:24:36,977 --> 00:24:38,729 - No. - No! 348 00:24:38,896 --> 00:24:41,273 - Oh. - Oh. 349 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,152 - I don't know what to suggest. - Is he sure the film exists? 350 00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:48,071 - Are you sure the film exists? - No. 351 00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:50,157 No! 352 00:24:50,324 --> 00:24:52,951 But it is the film I would like to see tonight. 353 00:24:54,453 --> 00:24:55,913 Right. 354 00:24:56,872 --> 00:25:01,668 Well, I'm not sure it's been made, so I don't think you'll be able to watch it tonight. 355 00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:04,713 It's OK, I'll wait. 356 00:25:07,466 --> 00:25:10,928 - You'll...you'll wait? - Yes, until it's been made. 357 00:25:12,763 --> 00:25:16,975 Well, here's an idea. How about we let you know the moment it comes in? 358 00:25:17,142 --> 00:25:20,103 Yes, the moment, please. I'm a very busy man. 359 00:25:25,025 --> 00:25:27,486 (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) 360 00:25:28,612 --> 00:25:31,073 (CONTINUES RINGING) 361 00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:39,665 Hello? 362 00:25:39,790 --> 00:25:43,210 Can I call you back? I'm just in the middle of something. 363 00:25:50,092 --> 00:25:54,721 Today in Pox, their Women's Association is playing host to their local Conservative MP. 364 00:25:54,888 --> 00:25:58,642 I love the Conservatives. They're my favourite political party. 365 00:25:58,809 --> 00:26:01,895 After Labour and the Liberal Democrats. 366 00:26:02,062 --> 00:26:04,314 Thank you so much for talking to us today. 367 00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:09,403 I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It's important to have the support of you ladies. 368 00:26:10,279 --> 00:26:13,282 - Fancy a vol-au-vent? - Oh, yes, please. 369 00:26:16,493 --> 00:26:20,497 Hmm, that's delicious! Did you make them yourselves? 370 00:26:20,664 --> 00:26:22,916 - Yes. - You must give me the recipe. 371 00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:25,836 Well, actually, it's one of Ainsley Harriott's. 372 00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:37,222 Bleu-eu-eugh! 373 00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:42,060 You really must come and speak to us again. 374 00:26:43,312 --> 00:26:45,314 Yes. 375 00:26:46,982 --> 00:26:50,235 If you enjoy the smell of dung and being shouted at by farmers, 376 00:26:50,402 --> 00:26:53,113 why not spend a day in the countryside? 377 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,284 - Isn't the countryside lovely, Andrew? - It's boring. 378 00:26:57,451 --> 00:27:00,120 But I thought you said you love the countryside. 379 00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:05,501 You said that the natural world had a sublime beauty, unrivalled by anything man-made. 380 00:27:05,709 --> 00:27:10,088 - Yeah, I know. - Now...where are we exactly? 381 00:27:10,255 --> 00:27:12,466 This is boring. I wanna go home! 382 00:27:12,591 --> 00:27:16,595 The trouble is, I think we're a bit lost. Let me just ask this lady. 383 00:27:16,762 --> 00:27:21,725 Excuse me, love. I think we're a bit lost. Do you know the way to Taplow Farm? 384 00:27:21,892 --> 00:27:24,853 Uh... One moment. 385 00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:28,899 - Hello, Mr Horse. - Good boy. Right, let's have a look. 386 00:27:29,066 --> 00:27:33,320 - Taplow Farm is quite a way. - It's there on the map. I thought we were near it. 387 00:27:33,487 --> 00:27:38,075 - We're the yellow line marked here. - I thought we were coming along this way... 388 00:27:42,162 --> 00:27:46,333 And so we conclude our journey around Little Britain. 389 00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:52,256 Tonight's programme has ended a little sooner than usual because I need to do a poo now. 390 00:27:52,422 --> 00:27:54,591 Good bye-bye! 32945

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