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Downloaded from
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San Francisco!
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YTS.MX
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{\an8}How are y'all doing tonight?
5
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,932
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,476
Dave Attell!
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00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:36,202
Welcome to the special.
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00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:47,839
Thank you.
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00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:54,054
Hey, I hope I can live up
to that four-man standing ovation.
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00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,056
Yeah.
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00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,643
We love you, Dave!
- Oh, dude. This is it now.
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00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:03,271
And you know,
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00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,565
even though I look
like I run my own escape room,
14
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,108
I want you to know this.
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00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,652
You can leave whenever you want.
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00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:15,784
I see everyone's having a drink,
and I like that too.
17
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:17,952
Now there's a couple of drinks
you gotta watch out for.
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00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:20,914
One of them,
White Claw Hard Seltzer. Yeah.
19
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,834
I've been around for a while, guys.
This is the hardest of the seltzers.
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00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:30,965
And hard seltzer is the gateway drink
to a soft penis.
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00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:32,550
- Yeah.
22
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:33,468
That's right.
23
00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:39,099
If you're up for a night of apologies,
and "this never happens to me" and...
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00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:44,437
...maybe, just maybe a game of Uno,
then that's the drink for you.
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00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:51,319
But I see a lot of couples in the room
and I'm a little jealous cause, um,
26
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:54,030
I met a girl in Texas
and I was going to fly her into this show,
27
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:58,076
but her flight was canceled,
so I guess we're going to have that kid.
28
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,161
- And you know... Yeah.
29
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,705
Let it out. You got that one.
I know you got that.
30
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,125
Oh, that's all right.
31
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,964
That joke's about flying, everyone.
32
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:12,382
Yeah.
33
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,467
Everyone hates a connecting flight.
34
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,596
Worst connecting flight I ever had
was three years ago.
35
00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:22,517
Yeah, it was, um,
Wuhan to Brazil to Florida, and...
36
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,935
- Yeah.
37
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,816
Got on with a scratchy throat,
got off with a high fever.
38
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,317
Didn't think much of it.
39
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:35,238
Got on a Megabus and hit Washington DC.
40
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,367
I was just in Washington DC
41
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:41,119
and I gotta tell you
it is so much different
42
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,912
from when I stormed it, you know?
43
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:44,455
- Come on.
44
00:02:44,455 --> 00:02:46,082
I know how I look. Come on, guys.
45
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,169
I know.
46
00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:51,212
I have that January 6 look.
47
00:02:51,212 --> 00:02:52,589
I get it, okay?
48
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,968
But relax, I'm a Biden man, all right?
49
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,012
Yeah. Hunter Biden.
50
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,972
- Now, thank you.
51
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:02,765
Nice one.
52
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:09,689
I'm in San Diego, which is my
most favorite town in Mexico
53
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:11,566
and you know, oh...
54
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,238
That's where SeaWorld is.
Do you know SeaWorld?
55
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:18,740
The aquatic Auschwitz.
56
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,742
- Either way, yeah.
57
00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,329
A big puddle of sad if you ask me.
58
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,790
Now I'm not an ocean guy, all right?
59
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,460
Even though I look like I know my way
around a tugboat.
60
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,920
I'm not an ocean guy.
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00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:35,089
Hey, you know what?
62
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:38,343
You see me in the ocean,
I'm going to the bathroom. Yeah.
63
00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:45,016
I was down at the Wharf. Have you been
down there? Fisherman's Wharf?
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00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,100
Oh my God.
65
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,310
I think I did it.
66
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:48,561
That is the only place
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00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:52,357
where you can step
in dog, man, and seal shit.
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00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,524
- Yeah.
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00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:55,610
Yeah, the trifecta, I did it.
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00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,738
Dog, man, seal.
71
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,199
Wow.
72
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:04,535
Don't you think once you do all three,
dog, man, and seal,
73
00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:08,081
the mayor should come out and shake
your hand, like, "Hey, you know what..."
74
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,838
I was hit by a bicycle.
75
00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:17,215
Yeah. No.
76
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,633
No, it was my fault.
77
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,801
It was my fault.
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00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:21,511
I was standing on the sidewalk.
79
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,553
I mean, you know...
80
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,141
You stand on the sidewalk,
you get hit by a bike.
81
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,769
I mean, what?
That's the world we live in now.
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00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,940
And the guy who hit me was
a food delivery guy. Yeah.
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00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,358
A third responder.
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00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,359
That's right.
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00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:42,282
These guys are heroes delivering
heroes to heroes.
86
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,285
Yeah. Applaud them.
87
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,459
It's really tough 'cause
there's no late-night food anymore.
88
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,377
It's all gone.
89
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,546
I don't know when it happened,
but no food after 11.
90
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,507
You don't believe me?
I'll take it through it, okay?
91
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:02,260
I'm in Milwaukee, which is a great town.
92
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,929
Milwaukee, great town, no late-night food,
93
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,682
which kind of explains Jeffrey Dahmer.
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00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,142
- Now...
95
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:10,643
Hey...
96
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,813
This guy was a monster, all right?
97
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,524
I am not condoning anything he did.
98
00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,736
But you get hungry, am I right?
I mean, come on.
99
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:25,241
All I'm saying is pack a snack, all right?
100
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,163
Now I do trail mix. Anybody?
101
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:33,041
I always travel with a bag of trail mix,
102
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:35,793
the most unsatisfying snack, am I right?
103
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:40,089
I mean, honestly, let's call it
what it really is. Are you ready?
104
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:42,717
Not enough M&Ms.
I mean, that's what trail mix is.
105
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:47,638
Every handful is just another handful
of disappointment. Am I right?
106
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,351
It's kind of like the hug of a stepdad.
107
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,227
- I mean, it just doesn't...
108
00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:57,065
Yeah. I knew we had a couple
of broken toys in the room.
109
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,319
This crowd is hot.
110
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,280
I mean, you guys are
really doing it for me.
111
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,077
Today... Yeah, it's good.
112
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:09,994
It's all good.
113
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:17,126
Today I, um, I treated myself
to a little trip to Subway.
114
00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:21,005
You know it? The sandwich shop.
Yeah, it's open, full capacity, and um...
115
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:26,219
I go in and it's just me and the guy
making the sandwiches, you know?
116
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,389
And I'm like, dude, this is awesome.
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00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,391
I can't believe it,
it's just you and me in here.
118
00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:34,310
Take the gloves off.
119
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,104
- All right, yeah.
120
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:38,773
Bareback me a sandwich.
121
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:40,024
I said it.
122
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:41,943
I'm not making it up, I said it.
123
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,237
Raw dog me a BLT, come on!
124
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,491
I wanna feel you on that meat!
125
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,955
Oh. They know
what they're doing over there.
126
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,084
I had a 6-inch,
but I swear to God, 12 came out.
127
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,419
It was that good.
128
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,505
Boom. I'm crushing it, am I right?
129
00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:04,549
Killing it here tonight.
130
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,803
And even though you guys kind of
have the energy of a Salesforce meeting,
131
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,888
I really appreciate you coming in here.
132
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,141
You all right? Good.
133
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,569
Oh, guys. I'll never forget
where I was when the Queen went down.
134
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,486
Yeah.
135
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,114
I went down to Burger King.
136
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:33,703
People were so upset they were ripping
the crowns from their heads.
137
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,960
One guy was so distraught
he jumped behind the counter
138
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,712
and pistol-whipped the cashier
139
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,215
as he screamed, "mo' ketchups."
140
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:47,133
Now,
141
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,969
mo' ketchups.
142
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,847
She would have wanted it that way.
143
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:56,893
Mo' ketchups.
144
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,978
If that isn't a catchphrase, what is?
145
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,441
All the great catchphrases
have been taken, am I right?
146
00:08:03,941 --> 00:08:05,776
Like, um, Dyn-O-Mite,
147
00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:07,570
or um, Talk to the Hand,
148
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,655
or um, Allah Akbar.
149
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:11,115
All the good ones are gone.
150
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,326
Shit.
151
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,327
Let it out.
152
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,667
You know who's my queen?
I'll tell you who's my queen. My mom.
153
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,169
She's 87 years old.
154
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,086
Yeah.
155
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:27,465
87 years old.
156
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,344
No, you don't have to applaud,
she's not trans.
157
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,345
But um...
158
00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:37,850
87 years old, people.
159
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:41,771
I'm a good son, people.
160
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,690
You know what I did for my mom?
I built her a ramp, yeah.
161
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,360
It was time for her to come back in.
162
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,153
- That's right.
163
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:53,282
For two years she was feral
and wild, living in the yard.
164
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,286
She was naked, I was afraid.
165
00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,749
But now she's back in
and better than ever.
166
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,335
Old people.
167
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,504
They need companionship.
168
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:11,092
Loneliness, that's right,
is one of the big killers of the elderly.
169
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:13,261
Loneliness, and salt.
170
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,471
- Loneliness.
171
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,431
I'm a good son.
I would not put up with that.
172
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,892
You know what I did?
I signed her up for OnlyFans.
173
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,769
- Yeah, that's what I did.
174
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:23,980
I did the photography.
175
00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:29,151
I took a tasteful pic,
I'm talking very tasteful,
176
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:31,612
of her trying to get out
of her shower chair.
177
00:09:31,612 --> 00:09:32,780
And you know what?
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00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,324
Like a mermaid.
179
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,076
- Yes.
180
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,787
She looked like a mermaid.
181
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,249
By that, I mean wet and she couldn't walk.
182
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,292
Either way...
183
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,421
Can't a boy love his mother anymore?
184
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,755
Is that a crime?
185
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,759
- Thank you. Thank you.
186
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:59,390
My mom sprained her arm
187
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,893
and now it's in a sling
and you're not allowed to touch it.
188
00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:05,021
So I'm a good son.
You know what I did for her?
189
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,189
I bought her a falcon.
190
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,107
Yeah.
191
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,945
He guards his arm.
192
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,072
Relax, that joke sucks. Either way...
193
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:20,995
When I was a boy,
my mom used to read me Dr Seuss.
194
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,663
Now I know that's considered hate speech.
195
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,373
I mean, I know it right now.
196
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,417
So forgive me in advance,
197
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,837
but back then it was just a mom
and this boy enjoying some reading.
198
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:32,006
She would read me some Dr Seuss
right before bed.
199
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,133
She would read me Dr Seuss,
kiss me on the forehead,
200
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,052
seig heil me and turn out the light.
201
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,178
And you know what?
202
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,932
I was her little führer.
203
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:42,850
Either way...
204
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:49,398
Guys, racism is wrong no matter
how funny and dead-on it is
205
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,816
so don't do it, all right?
206
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,780
Like this next couple of jokes.
207
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:56,822
Here we go.
208
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,243
We live in a crazy world, guys.
209
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,537
And you know who I have my eye on?
210
00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:06,624
I'll tell you who I got my eye
on right now, this Kim Jong Un.
211
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,541
Yeah.
212
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,126
And I'm going to say it tonight.
213
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:12,004
I don't care if I lose
my entire North Korean fan base.
214
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,214
I don't give a shit.
215
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,177
I don't care if I never work
Panmunjom again.
216
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,430
That's the Sacramento of North Korea,
all right?
217
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,603
This Kim Jong is a meanie.
218
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,271
He is a mean mean.
219
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,273
But he looks so ticklish.
220
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,525
I mean, look at him.
221
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:36,987
Don't you just want
to tickle, tickle, tickle him till he
222
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,199
queefs duck sauce all over the dojo mat?
223
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,160
It's over now.
224
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,078
It's over, guys.
225
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:48,541
Thank you.
226
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:50,876
I love it, guys.
227
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:57,133
I've got to give a shout-out to my man
Optimus Prime for turning into a stage
228
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,175
and um...
229
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,806
You know, since I'm the only comic
in America who doesn't have a podcast,
230
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,182
this is my moment, all right?
231
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,934
- Here we go.
232
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:07,935
Vape.
233
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:09,729
Vape.
234
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,398
Vaping is killing people.
235
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:17,403
We're losing an entire generation
of Joshuas, Noahs, and Logans to vaping.
236
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:21,574
Think about the scooters
that will never be scooted.
237
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,037
The TikTok challenges
that will never be answered.
238
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:31,125
Dying of vape is the lamest of all deaths.
239
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:35,129
Dying of vape is like drowning
in an above-ground pool.
240
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,550
You could have stopped swimming
and walked to the ladder.
241
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,052
But you were too proud. Now you're dead.
242
00:12:44,388 --> 00:12:46,932
Do you think if you drown
in an above-ground pool you go to heaven?
243
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:47,892
I don't think so.
244
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,482
I think you go right back
to Bakersfield and start again.
245
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:57,067
There you go.
It's a local joke. It's a local joke.
246
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,861
- Easy.
247
00:12:58,861 --> 00:12:59,779
Easy.
248
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,492
- Yeah.
249
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,162
That's the part
of California no one knows.
250
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:12,041
That's where the almonds come from, yeah.
251
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,837
I was out that way,
I went to a strip club, not the best.
252
00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:18,756
That's what it was called, Not the Best.
253
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,677
There were some rough
and ready ladies in there,
254
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:25,638
tatted from head to toe.
255
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,306
Do you guys like tats?
256
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,558
- You do, don't you?
Yeah.
257
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:33,354
Aren't tattoos way more erotic
than unexplained bruises?
258
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,271
Am I right?
259
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,231
Yeah, they are.
260
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,232
You know they are.
261
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:41,695
One of the ladies had
a big owl tattoo on her back,
262
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,531
which I thought was kind of classy,
263
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:46,242
but underneath was written,
"Hoo's next?"
264
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,369
And I didn't like it. Nice one.
265
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,626
I met someone on one of these apps,
I think it was, uh, CarMax,
266
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:57,711
and you know, yeah...
267
00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:00,422
she was old and I was old,
268
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:01,966
and we really went at it.
269
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,926
Old on old, have you seen it?
270
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,054
You'll smell it before you see it,
I'll tell you that.
271
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:14,395
She knew what she was doing.
She got on top of me, yeah, and rode me.
272
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,896
She rode me, people, yeah.
273
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,315
Not like a horse.
That's for young people, no.
274
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,401
She rode me like a bus.
275
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,069
- Yeah.
276
00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:25,114
She just sat there
wearing her coat, holding her bags.
277
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:30,077
- For like an hour and a half.
278
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:32,162
An hour and a half, everyone.
279
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,164
I didn't want to wake her.
280
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,674
Oh, awesome.
I just moved up on the kidney list.
281
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:44,675
Yeah.
282
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:51,974
Now, I never lie to the crowd,
so I might as well tell you.
283
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,686
This is performance-enhanced.
You know that right now, right?
284
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,981
Right before I hit the stage,
I popped a Centrum Silver.
285
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,858
- Did you know that?
286
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,985
- That's a multivitamin.
287
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:07,239
Yep. I've got a bukkake of health
and nutrition coursing through my body.
288
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,622
I have the prostate
of a 21-year-old pick a pronoun.
289
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,623
But you know what?
290
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,377
I take vitamins every day.
I know they don't really work.
291
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,171
They're kind of like prayers.
292
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,213
But you know what?
293
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,719
Tummy prayers, that's what I call them.
294
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:36,226
Relax, everyone.
I'm talking about selfish prayers.
295
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:37,895
They don't work, okay?
296
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,189
Prayers for the world, they're working.
Look outside.
297
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,148
Am I right?
298
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,153
It's fantastic out there.
299
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,446
Here's a little story.
300
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:52,576
I'm sitting at the dog park 'cause when
I sit at the playground, things happen.
301
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,370
- And um, yeah...
302
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,746
I get it.
303
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:59,792
I'm serious, I can clear a playground
in like three minutes, honestly.
304
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,673
You know what weather I look the best in?
305
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:06,590
The fog.
306
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550
That's really where I look the best.
307
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,095
I'm serious. In the fog holding a lantern.
308
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,681
Who goes there?
309
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,518
- Friend or foe?
310
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,353
You know, fog talk.
311
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,649
Yeah!
312
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,067
Better late than never.
313
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,404
I love you, buddy.
314
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,072
I will give you that ride to rehab.
315
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,657
San Diego, here we go.
316
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,410
You ever do mushrooms?
317
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,078
Yeah.
318
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,956
I know in this town, mushrooms...
yeah, exactly.
319
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,333
You all got to do them,
it's like jury duty.
320
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,334
Either way...
321
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:48,340
One time I took mushrooms
and I went to a petting zoo, I think.
322
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,968
Or maybe it was a poorly-guarded farm.
323
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,762
- I'm not exactly sure what it was.
324
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,305
But there were animals there.
325
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:59,351
And I didn't go empty-handed.
I brought a bag of baby carrots with me.
326
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,937
The wet ones,
you know what I'm talking about?
327
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:05,858
Baby carrots at a petting zoo, awesome.
328
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:07,860
They were into it.
329
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,446
Now at first, I was a little nervous.
330
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,613
Okay, it's late.
331
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:14,908
So I just put a baby carrot in my hand
and I put it over a fence,
332
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,285
and closed my eyes.
333
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,912
And something ate it, all right?
334
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,374
You guys have been downtown.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
335
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,296
Then I got a little bold.
336
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,298
I put one in my mouth. I did.
337
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,716
And I lean in.
338
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,010
Out of the dark this goat,
this big old goat,
339
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,220
comes right
and he eats it right outta my mouth.
340
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,306
Like he's giving me a little kiss.
341
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,809
Now would you quit? 'Cause I didn't.
342
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,438
I've got a big bag of baby carrots.
343
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,149
I put one in this ear, one in that ear,
344
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,318
and this goat had a buddy.
345
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,486
He had a friend,
346
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,906
and they both came at me at the same time
and they started nibbling it outta my ear,
347
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,241
like they were telling me a secret.
348
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,414
Now I can't be the only one in this room
who's been Eiffel Towered by two goats.
349
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,624
That's impossible.
350
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,923
Then the mushrooms kicked in, all right?
351
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:17,096
Now I've got five baby carrots
in my asshole, all right?
352
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,181
I've got five in my A. Yeah.
353
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,143
And you're like, "Dave,
how do you do five? I can only do three."
354
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,730
You gotta train with a sweet potato
355
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,817
- You gotta do it. Train like you fight.
356
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,488
Now I never thought
a goat could call a cop,
357
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,906
but either way...
358
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:45,374
As they led me away, I swear to God
I heard, "Mo' ketchups."
359
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,167
- Now...
360
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,085
Thank you.
361
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,629
I'm not much of a storyteller,
362
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,382
but you guys were there
with me the whole way through.
363
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:55,801
Thank you, buddy.
364
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,429
You're too good to me.
365
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,808
You know what I'm trying to say
with that joke? I'm lonely.
366
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,644
What does real loneliness look like?
I'll tell you.
367
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,938
Your own reflection in a microwave door.
368
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,190
- That's what it looks like.
369
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,235
That sad face, staring at it.
370
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:15,320
Turn, turn, turn!
371
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,656
Turn into a woman, do it!
372
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,998
Oh. You guys are really...
you're cheering me up, that's for sure.
373
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:29,459
The other days I had it bad.
374
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,086
Yeah, I had it real bad the other day.
375
00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:33,505
I was sitting in my car,
windows up, engine on,
376
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:36,258
letting the carbon monoxide do its job.
377
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,051
- Yeah.
378
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:40,596
And just as I was about to go out,
I'm talking final exit,
379
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,973
that's when God sent me the angel.
380
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,517
And the angel just knocked on my window
381
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,061
and said, "Are you my Uber?"
382
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:49,938
And then I drove the angel. Yeah.
383
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,528
Let's talk money now. Are you ready?
384
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:58,405
Let's do it. Here it comes.
385
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,033
A lot of people do crypto.
I don't do that shit.
386
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,367
I don't do it, people.
387
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,577
I'm old-school.
388
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:04,536
I metal detect.
389
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,747
- Anybody else metal detectors?
390
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:09,541
Metal detecting. That's right, guys.
391
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,627
Even though I'm dressed
for collecting cans,
392
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,086
I'm a metal detector man.
393
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,548
Where are the other metal detector guys?
394
00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:19,301
Thank you, brother. Yeah.
395
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:23,013
It's mysterious, isn't it?
Another treasure hunter in the room.
396
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:23,931
Yes.
397
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,599
Cans on, stick on the ground.
398
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:35,025
I'm gonna give you guys a peek into
the mysterious world of metal detection.
399
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,401
Here it comes.
400
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:39,821
Here's something you'll never hear
a metal detector guy say. Ready?
401
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:42,991
"Well, I'd better be getting home.
She's probably worried about me."
402
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:43,909
You know?
403
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,247
There is no home and there is no she.
404
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:55,045
You just keep going and going
and going till the battery dies.
405
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,341
NFTs, you know what I'm talking about?
406
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,259
I don't do that.
407
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,718
Okay? I'm old.
408
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:02,928
I do it old-school.
409
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:06,598
I buy and sell ivory.
410
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:07,766
Yeah.
411
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,189
It's a joke. Relax.
412
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,190
It's a joke.
413
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:19,903
I'm just kidding around. It's a joke.
414
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:22,948
And some jokes should only be told
on the deck of a whaling boat.
415
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,866
- I get it.
416
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,204
How did I make my money? How did I do it?
417
00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:32,165
Stock market! Yeah.
Don't listen to the experts.
418
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:33,166
They're chumps.
419
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:36,086
Go with your gut, see which way
the wind's blowing. Go all in.
420
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,048
Three years ago I saw
what was happening and I did it.
421
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:42,592
I put every cent I had,
I'm talking everything,
422
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:43,885
into Confederate flags.
423
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:44,803
Yeah.
424
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,597
- Crushing it!
425
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:52,853
I heard that if you come
on a Confederate flag and bury it,
426
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,855
a Cracker Barrell will grow. Is that true?
427
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:57,149
- Boom.
428
00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:01,278
Get a test.
429
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,279
All right.
430
00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:09,369
You gotta love that Cracker Barrell.
Am I right?
431
00:22:09,369 --> 00:22:11,204
Southern cooking. Mmm!
432
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:14,207
It is amazing what you'll eat
when you don't believe in evolution.
433
00:22:14,207 --> 00:22:15,125
That's for sure.
434
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,256
Porn, yes or no?
435
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,094
People, we're talking porn.
436
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,638
Now do I watch porn?
Is that what you wanna know?
437
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:29,598
Yes.
438
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:33,060
I watch porn, but not as much
as I look like I watch, all right?
439
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:37,189
I only watch it
till the library closes, okay?
440
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:44,196
Everybody's in these three-ways now.
441
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,073
How many people have had a three-way here?
442
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,908
- Yeah? Okay.
443
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:50,243
Here's a little heads-up.
If you see me with two women,
444
00:22:50,243 --> 00:22:52,204
that's a wellness check, all right?
445
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,585
Rough play. Anybody, rough play here?
446
00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:00,212
Yeah. Okay, cool.
447
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,381
BDSM, do you know what I'm talking about?
448
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,340
Bondage.
449
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:07,177
One time a woman on the web wanted
to tie me to a mortgage.
450
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:08,720
But other than that...
451
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,520
What's going on now is
there's a renaissance of sex toys.
452
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:17,854
Do you know what I'm saying?
453
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:19,773
Sex toys. Watch this.
454
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,900
How many women own a vibrator?
455
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,819
- Yeah. There you go.
456
00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:25,654
Not as many as I would think.
457
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:28,990
I guess this is kind of
the farm-to-table crowd, so...
458
00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:32,244
We're talking fingers, am I right?
459
00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:36,623
Fingers, you know, acoustic.
Is that what you guys are doing?
460
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:43,964
How many guys have seen
a woman use a vibrator? Get that hand up.
461
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:45,757
Go ahead, buddy. Come on, yes.
462
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,134
How many...
463
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:50,262
How many women have seen
a guy use a vacuum?
464
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,972
- Yeah.
465
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:53,014
Weird, isn't it?
466
00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:57,227
One time a woman asked me
if I enjoyed watching
467
00:23:57,227 --> 00:24:00,021
and I had to give her an answer, you know,
because she was a judge.
468
00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:01,106
But other than that...
469
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,361
Guess what's back in style? That's right.
470
00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:09,030
Bush is back and better than ever.
471
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:10,157
Who's in? I'm in.
472
00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:11,867
Anybody? Oh, yeah.
473
00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:13,076
In the back. Exactly.
474
00:24:13,076 --> 00:24:15,203
How about the balcony, pro-bush?
475
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:17,122
- Yeah, you're into it.
476
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:19,416
Here you go. Keep it down,
the VIPs wanna listen.
477
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:20,375
All right. Here we go.
478
00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:25,672
Bush. Mmm.
479
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,507
How do I like it? I like it big.
480
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,010
Bigger than you're thinking.
481
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,470
- I like it big.
482
00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,931
I like it so big I can't see her balls.
483
00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:35,932
That's what I say.
484
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:41,313
Because balls are ugly.
Am I right, Gus, Tom, or Billy?
485
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,148
I mean, they just are ugly.
486
00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:47,194
Balls are the ugliest thing
I've ever put on my chin.
487
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:48,320
I can't have that.
488
00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:52,866
You gotta know what you're doing.
489
00:24:52,866 --> 00:24:54,659
Like, going down, I'm not that good at it.
490
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,454
Even though I look like I'll eat fries
out of the garbage,
491
00:24:57,454 --> 00:24:58,788
I'm not that good at it.
492
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,667
Let's go around the room now,
focus group this.
493
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,211
Let's get it going.
494
00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:06,671
How many guys think they're good at it?
495
00:25:07,255 --> 00:25:09,132
- Yeah, okay.
496
00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:11,551
And what's the technique?
Would do you guys do?
497
00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:14,262
What did you say? Alphabet?
498
00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:15,847
I'm not an alphabet guy.
499
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,307
I'm a Roman numeral man.
500
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:18,725
- Yeah.
501
00:25:18,725 --> 00:25:21,520
I... I... I...
502
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,146
I gotta go.
503
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:26,942
I'm not good at it.
504
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:31,029
I eat pussy like a deer drinks
from a stream during hunting season.
505
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,699
I'm terrified but I'm thirsty.
506
00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,662
I'm like, lick, lick, did you hear that?
507
00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:41,998
Then I run out and get hit by a truck.
508
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,127
Thank you.
509
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:50,131
Let's talk tech, and this is a tech town
if ever there was one.
510
00:25:50,131 --> 00:25:53,343
They got this app that tells you
how much you weigh on other planets.
511
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:54,636
Have you guys seen this?
512
00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,513
Oh, it is awesome.
513
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:59,266
What it is is you put your weight
in on Earth,
514
00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:01,518
and... [mumbling] ...something Jewish,
515
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:02,644
it tells you...
516
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:07,566
...how would you weigh
on another planet. How cool is that?
517
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:11,361
So you guys are fun,
let's work on this, okay?
518
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:14,906
On Earth, I weigh about 160
and change, you know?
519
00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:16,324
Now yell out some planets.
520
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:17,742
- Let's hear it.
521
00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,244
Woah. Woah, woah.
522
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:20,870
That is a lot of planets.
523
00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:23,290
Let's split the difference. Okay.
524
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:24,207
Puerto Rico.
525
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:25,709
Now in Puerto Rico...
526
00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:29,379
I weigh about 160 and change.
527
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:32,215
And my name's Kiki and I like pegging.
528
00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:33,758
- So there you go.
529
00:26:36,511 --> 00:26:37,554
It's all right.
530
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:40,056
You've given it more than it deserved,
but thank you.
531
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:49,357
What I'm trying to say is
virtual learning didn't work, am I right?
532
00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:52,527
I can say this as a virtual janitor.
533
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:54,154
These kids are dumb and weak.
534
00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:59,868
They need to get out there
and really experience life, am I right?
535
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:02,162
You know what I'm talking about.
Summer camp.
536
00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,539
- How many people went to camp here?
537
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:05,457
Yeah.
538
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:06,499
Nice.
539
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,085
Now they've got this camp
called Space Camp.
540
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:10,462
Do you know what that is?
541
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,840
It's a special camp for these kids
who want to be astronauts,
542
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,135
A-K-A, can't run, throw,
catch, or paddle a canoe.
543
00:27:19,262 --> 00:27:22,974
These uber-nerds are going to wheeze
their way to the stars.
544
00:27:25,101 --> 00:27:27,854
No, I'm not putting them down,
I'm jealous 'cause I couldn't go.
545
00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:31,149
I was too old
so I just observed all this from my van.
546
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:32,233
But either way...
547
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,072
Now I didn't go to Space Camp.
548
00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:38,531
I went to Boy Scout camp,
549
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,034
where I learned to keep a secret.
550
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:41,993
That's right.
551
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:45,413
- That's right. I was in the Boy Scouts.
552
00:27:45,413 --> 00:27:47,499
I was in the Boy Scouts.
553
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:51,294
Even though I look like I run a GameStop
in Syria, I was in the Scouts.
554
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:56,925
Even though I look like I put the "ha"
in Hamas, I was in the Boy Scouts.
555
00:27:58,259 --> 00:28:01,971
Boy Scouts of America, you're not allowed
to say that anymore, it's triggering.
556
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:05,934
I think now they're called
the, uh, Proud Boys. Yeah.
557
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:09,145
Awesome.
558
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:13,608
I was proud and I was a boy.
559
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,736
Out in those woods.
560
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:19,489
In those scary woods.
561
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:22,117
Two biggest fears in the woods,
what are they?
562
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,202
That's right. Bear attack. Yeah.
563
00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:25,870
And who said it up there? Yep.
564
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:27,455
Scoutmaster fucking you.
565
00:28:27,455 --> 00:28:29,457
- Yeah. Nailed it.
566
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,419
And the best thing to do
in both situations?
567
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:34,379
Play dead, and I did.
568
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,675
Finally, a crowd that gets it.
569
00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:43,638
We're doubling down.
More scout stories, here they come.
570
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:50,311
One time I went to a Boy Scout jamboree.
Do you know what that is?
571
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:52,522
That's a buffet of boys, yes.
572
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:56,025
Boys, boys, boys, wherever you looked.
573
00:28:56,025 --> 00:28:58,361
Chopping wood, tying knots.
574
00:28:58,361 --> 00:29:00,655
You could say it, yum, boys.
575
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,915
We were camped
in the middle of a baseball field
576
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:12,417
during a lightning storm.
577
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:14,836
A tactical mistake.
578
00:29:16,379 --> 00:29:18,548
Huddled together, terrified.
579
00:29:19,841 --> 00:29:21,634
Then our scoutmaster came over to calm us.
580
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:24,345
He goes,
"Boys, don't worry about that lightning."
581
00:29:24,345 --> 00:29:26,598
"I'm going to teach you the 30 rule."
582
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,809
"When you hear thunder,
count backwards from 30."
583
00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:31,644
"And when you hit one,
584
00:29:31,644 --> 00:29:33,104
put your cock in my mouth."
585
00:29:33,104 --> 00:29:34,105
And you know what?
586
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:38,902
We did not lose one boy that weekend.
That's right.
587
00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:40,987
We all made it home.
588
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:45,784
Some of us went on to musical theater.
589
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:51,164
This crowd loves the great outdoors.
590
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:57,337
And I gotta tell you,
when I was gonna do a special,
591
00:29:57,337 --> 00:30:00,757
I said, what town am I going to do it in?
And you know what I said? San Francisco.
592
00:30:00,757 --> 00:30:02,342
- Yeah.
593
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:03,384
I had to do it here.
594
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,679
Cobb's, always good to me.
595
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:08,765
You guys, always there for me.
596
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:11,559
How can we not take it to the next level?
597
00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:12,685
We have to.
598
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:16,815
This crowd, we are synced up.
599
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:19,150
And you know what?
This country needs some of that too.
600
00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:20,610
We're all divided.
601
00:30:20,610 --> 00:30:21,861
We need common ground.
602
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:23,154
We gotta come together.
603
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:25,031
A mutual experience will do it.
604
00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:26,616
And I got it, okay?
605
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:30,870
As Americans, we all kinda sorta
know how to play the recorder.
606
00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:31,788
Now...
607
00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:35,500
This is mine.
608
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:40,839
May I?
609
00:30:42,924 --> 00:30:43,842
Here we go.
610
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,856
Then the white man came.
611
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,190
- You know?
612
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:00,108
Thank you, everyone.
613
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:02,569
Sorry, you play the recorder,
614
00:31:02,569 --> 00:31:05,446
you gotta say something
a little, you know, thoughtful.
615
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,657
- You can't be like, you know...
616
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:12,287
You eating that?
617
00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:13,746
I mean, it doesn't work.
618
00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:17,458
This is the recorder,
619
00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:21,087
or as they call it in the Middle East,
the saxophone.
620
00:31:21,087 --> 00:31:22,005
Now...
621
00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:25,341
I'm gonna take you through it
622
00:31:25,341 --> 00:31:28,177
'cause I know we got a lot
of homeschoolers in the room
623
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:31,222
who never played the recorder.
624
00:31:32,265 --> 00:31:33,474
It's a musical instrument.
625
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:36,436
It's somewhere between a flute
and a bong, all right?
626
00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:41,691
And there's three pieces,
the head, the shaft, and the taint.
627
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:42,650
And...
628
00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:46,905
I've played this out of every hole
in my body and...
629
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,913
Sometimes I like to play it
in my own shadow.
630
00:31:57,790 --> 00:31:59,208
Till one of us comes.
631
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,126
Now...
632
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,381
I get it, guys. I know this looks
like a talent show at a shelter.
633
00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,633
I understand that.
634
00:32:18,394 --> 00:32:21,564
Sometimes I like to play at the clinic
when the results come in.
635
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:28,321
Sometimes I play in the park
as they pull down the statues.
636
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:37,956
But mostly I play at Trader Joe's
till they give me something to walk away.
637
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:38,873
So...
638
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:45,922
Here I am having all the fun
playing the recorder.
639
00:32:46,714 --> 00:32:50,051
Now I want you to look under your seats.
Go ahead, look under your seats.
640
00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:51,594
Yes.
641
00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:54,973
Yes, a recorder.
642
00:32:55,473 --> 00:32:56,808
Oh my God.
643
00:32:57,308 --> 00:32:58,726
It's out of control in here.
644
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:05,483
Calm down, Miss. Calm down.
645
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:08,820
I knew I left that somewhere.
646
00:33:09,404 --> 00:33:11,990
- Sorry about that.
647
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:12,907
Wow.
648
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:16,536
- This goes right back on my dashboard.
649
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:21,791
Now if you play the recorder,
there's one tune you have to play.
650
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,751
- Do you know what it is?
"Hot cross buns."
651
00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:25,712
"Hot cross buns." Who said it?
652
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,424
Yeah. Tonight when you go home
make sure you high-five your cat
653
00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:30,675
because you know what?
654
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,388
That is the "Anna Goda Davida"
of the recorder.
655
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,266
- Can we hit the screen back here?
656
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:41,185
Let's do it. Projector it up. There it is.
657
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,731
And I see there's one guy
in the back wearing a mask.
658
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:45,857
Thank you for that.
659
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:48,943
We need someone to live to tell the story,
so thank you, sir.
660
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:51,738
This is going to get ugly.
661
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:56,659
We're going to do it all together.
Here we go. Ready?
662
00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:15,720
We did it!
663
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:18,973
You guys are awesome.
664
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:23,770
This is something that I've only seen
when I was in a K-hole.
665
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:24,771
This is great.
666
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:29,525
Anybody can play the recorder,
667
00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:32,111
but how many people can play
668
00:34:33,654 --> 00:34:34,489
two?
669
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,032
- Well, here we go.
670
00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:39,994
Now the last time I did this
the entire front row had to get tested.
671
00:34:39,994 --> 00:34:41,079
All right?
672
00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:53,674
I'm not going to stop till you tase me.
673
00:35:02,225 --> 00:35:03,142
Sorry.
674
00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:07,438
I don't know what happened,
but my catheter popped out.
675
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:08,856
That's it for me. Thank you, guys.
676
00:35:08,856 --> 00:35:09,774
Good night.
677
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:17,865
Good night.
678
00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:18,866
We did it.
679
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:29,377
You know what?
Skyler, let's walk through the crowd.
680
00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:31,587
This crowd's awesome. Bring up the lights.
681
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,888
{\an8}It's great to see the cast of Yellowstone.
Take a look.
682
00:35:40,888 --> 00:35:42,181
{\an8}Guys, thanks for coming.
683
00:35:43,432 --> 00:35:45,434
{\an8}Remember, it's about the water rights.
684
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:53,526
{\an8}See, when you play the recorder
no one will ask you to stop
685
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,445
{\an8}'cause they think if you have a recorder
you also have a knife.
686
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:59,657
{\an8}- So, back it up, Skyler. Let's back it up.
687
00:35:59,657 --> 00:36:00,992
{\an8}Ladies, how are you?
688
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:02,994
{\an8}Everything okay? Thanks for coming in.
689
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:05,413
{\an8}I know you have to get up early
and rename a public school.
690
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:06,914
{\an8}- Either way...
691
00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:11,127
{\an8}How's it going, guys?
692
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:13,963
{\an8}I don't know what season
of BattleBots you guys are on,
693
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:15,256
{\an8}but you really crushed it.
694
00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:18,759
{\an8}
695
00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:20,178
{\an8}What's happening here?
696
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:22,180
- Blow.
- Blow. Okay.
697
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:23,097
{\an8}Blow.
698
00:36:23,097 --> 00:36:25,183
{\an8}I'm sorry, but I do it a little toothy,
699
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,184
{\an8}so here we go.
700
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:30,354
How are you, sir?
701
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:32,064
I didn't know Putin had a son.
702
00:36:32,064 --> 00:36:34,150
- Either way, thank you.
703
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:39,071
I'm calling in a drone strike. Either way...
704
00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:57,840
{\an8}Give that man a cigar.
705
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:58,758
{\an8}Good night.
706
00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:04,388
I know what I'm doing.
49146
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