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*** Subtitles by dylux ***
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♪ ("WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE"
BY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PLAYS) ♪
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♪ When I was a young boy ♪
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♪ My father took meInto the city ♪
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♪ To see a marching band ♪
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♪ He said"Son, when you grow up ♪
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♪ "Would you be the saviorOf the broken ♪
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♪ "The beaten and the damned?" ♪
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♪ He said"Will you defeat them? ♪
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♪ "Your demonsAnd all the non-believers ♪
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♪ "The plans thatThey have made? ♪
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♪ "Because one dayI'll leave you ♪
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♪ "A phantom to lead you ♪
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♪ "In the summerTo join the black parade" ♪
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♪ When I was a young boy ♪
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♪ My father took meInto the city ♪
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♪ To see a marching band ♪
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♪ He said"Son, when you grow up ♪
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♪ "Would you be the saviorOf the broken ♪
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♪ "The beaten and the damned?" ♪
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♪ Sometimes I get the feeling ♪
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♪ She's watching over me ♪
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♪ And other timesI feel like I should go ♪
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♪ And through it allThe rise and fall ♪
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♪ The bodies in the streets ♪
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♪ And when you're goneWe want you all to know ♪
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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♪ And thoughYou're dead and gone ♪
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♪ Believe meYour memory will carry on ♪
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(ALL CHEERING) Yes!
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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♪ And in my heartI can't contain it ♪
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♪ The anthem won't explain it ♪
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♪ A world thatSends you reeling ♪
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♪ From decimated dreams... ♪
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Fuck you!
Somebody get over here.
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Back up! Back up!
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♪ So paint it blackAnd take it back ♪
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♪ Let's shout it loud and clear ♪
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♪ Defiant to the endWe hear the call ♪
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♪ To carry on ♪
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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♪ And thoughYou're dead and gone ♪
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♪ Believe meYour memory will carry on ♪
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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♪ And though you're brokenAnd defeated ♪
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♪ Your weary widow marches ♪
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♪ On and on we carryThrough the fears ♪
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(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
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♪ Disappointed facesOf your peers ♪
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All right. Spread out.
Ready?
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♪ 'Cause I could notCare at all ♪
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♪ Do or dieYou'll never make me ♪
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♪ Because the worldWill never take my heart ♪
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♪ Go and tryYou'll never break me ♪
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♪ We want it allWe wanna play this part ♪
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♪ I won't explain or sayI'm sorry ♪
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♪ I'm unashamedI'm gonna show my scar ♪
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♪ Give a cheerFor all the broken ♪
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♪ Listen hereBecause it's who we are ♪
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Whoo!
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♪ Just a boyWho had to sing this song ♪
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♪ I'm just a manI'm not a hero ♪
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(CHEERING)
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♪ I don't care ♪
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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♪ We'll carry on ♪
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(ALL CHEERING)
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♪ Believe me ♪
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♪ Your weary widowMarches on ♪
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(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
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JAY: ♪ Pork roll, egg and cheese ♪
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♪ Pork roll, egg and what? ♪
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♪ Pork rollEgg and cheese ♪
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♪ Pork rollEgg and what? ♪
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Uh, uh, uh.
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♪ ("SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE"
BY ROOTS OF MINE PLAYING) ♪
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Excuse me.
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Yo, is anybody working or, uh...
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You know what you want or what?
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Yeah. Can I get three
Snoogans Prerolls?
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(MUTTERING)
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$100 even.
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Right.
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♪ Tell me whoTell me who... ♪
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Can you...
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♪ Profits off the lifeOf every dude ♪
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♪ Every sick ♪
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(SHUSHING) Keep it down.
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♪ Ask the schools ♪
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(BOTH WHISTLING)
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♪ Break the chainsReveal the lies... ♪
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(FAKE SNEEZES)
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(JAY MUTTERING)
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JAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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What 'cha looking at, man?
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That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!
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(ALL WHISTLING HAPPY TUNE)
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Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
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- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- (COLTRANE WHISTLES)
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Your whistling is affecting
your carrying.
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(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
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Pretty nifty planning.
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(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
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(SNICKERING)
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The fuck?
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Oh, uh... well, 'cause, um,
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nifty is slang for NFT,
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which is a non-fungible
token in our world.
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(SCOFFS) "Our world"?
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Oh, my God, I knew it.
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You belong to one of these
religious death cults
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where they all wear sneakers to bed
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before they kill themselves.
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For the last time, Randal,
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I'm not in a religious death cult.
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Blockchain Coltrane and I
are co-founders
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of the Christian Crypto Club.
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♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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♪ Rip and tear! ♪
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This is either a
Lord of the Rings thing
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- or a Jesus thing.
- Hmm.
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- (WHISPERING)
- (SNICKERS)
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(ELIAS CHUCKLING)
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Blockchain says that
Jesus saves souls,
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but we buy souls,
it's... (SPUTTERS)
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It's pretty clever wordplay
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because the Phantasma Chain's
cryptocurrency unit
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is called the Soul, so...
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(CHUCKLING) It's...
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You are killing me this morning,
you nut.
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Oh, shit,
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I think I get it now.
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Get what?
NFTs and crypto?
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No, not that Beanie Baby bullshit.
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Talking about this pair of puds.
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Looks like Elias has got
his own Silent Bob.
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Oh, this is quite a handjob.
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What?
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Jesus, these Gen Z kids are fucked.
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ELIAS: Oh, what a surprise.
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Randal has taken the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.
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Please stop calling me Mr. Dante.
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You're 36 years old.
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And not for nothing,
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but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain
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if I don't pray
to your Christian God?
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If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?
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When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.
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Who's Crom?
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That's Conan the Barbarian's God.
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ELIAS: You know what, Randal?
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I really wish you didn't
worship all your
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false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.
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Batman, The Avengers, Wonder Woman, AOC.
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Come on, man, give Crom a chance.
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He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,
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but homeboy's pretty metal
for a deity.
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Well, joke's on you, Randal,
because there's only one God.
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Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.
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Thor is a fictional character
who flies through outer space.
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(SCOFFS) So is your God.
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Mr. Dante.
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His God is the living Christ, Randal.
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His God is the Living Dead
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with all that goth-y shit like,
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- drink my blood.
- That's fucking vampire talk.
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- Mr. Dante!
- Oh, no.
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My name is Foo-Foo and this
is between you two.
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(SCOFFS)
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(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze.
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What the fuck are these?
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- Kites.
- No shit.
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But what are they doing here?
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I thought we could sell them.
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Are you serious? Who the fuck
flies kites anymore?
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Lots of people.
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Kids today love flying kites.
Kites are cool.
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What century is this, Ben Franklin,
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and what kind of kid
in this day and age
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would be remotely interested
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in buying or flying a fucking kite?
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Did you see they have Jesus on them?
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Oh, well, all the kids love Jesus.
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Who in their right mind is gonna buy
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one of your creepy Christ kites?
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I would.
(SCOFFS)
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You did, like, 30 times.
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Maybe we can sell some online.
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RANDAL: Online?
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The only way anyone
on the Internet
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would care about
this old-timey bullshit
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is if you shot a TikTok
trying to jam
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one of those Jesus kites up your
Christian dickhole.
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(BOTH GIGGLING)
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- Asshole.
- Thank you.
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You know what, Randal?
I don't think there's anything
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particularly "metal" about blasphemy.
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Shah, blasphemy and biting off
a bat's head
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are as metal as it gets.
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(SIGHS HEAVILY)
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There were two men who were
crucified with Jesus, Randal.
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(SIGHS) Holy fuck.
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A good thief and a bad thief.
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If they were caught, I'd say
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that makes them both bad thieves.
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The bad thief said,
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"If you are really the son of God,
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"get us down from here and save us."
214
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,448
So why is this guy called
"The bad thief"?
215
00:10:47,549 --> 00:10:50,184
Call him "The practical thief
with common fucking sense."
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Ah. But the good thief said,
217
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"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
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What the fuck are butt thieves?
219
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Uh, well, then the good thief said,
220
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"Jesus, remember me in your kingdom."
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00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,934
And Jesus said to the good thief,
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00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,703
"Today, you shall be
with me in paradise."
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00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,939
And Paradise is a strip club.
224
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,141
It's not a strip club, Randal.
225
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,244
It's Heaven.
(SCOFFS)
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00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,581
So the moral of your
never ending story is,
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00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,249
even in Heaven, it's all about
who you know.
228
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,752
(INHALES SHARPLY)
The moral of the story
229
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,887
is if you didn't go to Heaven
as a guest of Jesus,
230
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,155
like the good thief,
231
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:30,057
where did the bad thief go, Randal?
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00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,092
Not that I wanna prolong your sermon,
233
00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:34,596
but how is it blasphemy
to remind a guy
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00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,063
he's the son of God?
235
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,932
Maybe the bad thief thought
236
00:11:38,032 --> 00:11:39,634
Jesus had a Bourne Identity
thing going on,
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00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,968
like Jesus fell off a boat,
238
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,836
hit his head and caught amnesia.
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00:11:42,937 --> 00:11:44,872
He was born in a manger.
240
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,641
Now he's Bourne again.
241
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:50,077
Matt Damon is Jesus Bourne in...
242
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,146
The Bourne Nativity.
(CHUCKLES)
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00:11:52,246 --> 00:11:54,048
Heavenly Father, I beseech thee,
244
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,483
please smite this braying heretic.
245
00:11:57,519 --> 00:11:59,253
(BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh.
246
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:02,624
Are you okay?
247
00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:05,594
No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.
248
00:12:05,694 --> 00:12:06,727
Stop teasing me.
249
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,063
I'm not teasing, I...
250
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,898
I can't catch my breath, man.
251
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,534
Really? Should I try mouth stuff?
252
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:14,669
What is this, a Tinder date?
Get off of me.
253
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,170
You said you can't breathe.
254
00:12:16,270 --> 00:12:18,640
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I can breathe. I just...
255
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:19,840
I can't catch my breath.
256
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:20,975
What are you doing with your arm?
257
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:22,743
I'm trying to breathe.
258
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,546
You're really sweating, Randal.
259
00:12:24,646 --> 00:12:25,913
It's hot in here, man.
260
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,515
Can we open the door?
I got to...
261
00:12:29,383 --> 00:12:30,518
Mr. Dante!
262
00:12:31,452 --> 00:12:33,087
Oh, shit!
263
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,356
I need an ambulance
at the QuickStop.
264
00:12:35,456 --> 00:12:37,191
(SIREN BLARING)
265
00:12:39,093 --> 00:12:40,595
WOMAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM)Dr. Ladenheim,
266
00:12:40,695 --> 00:12:42,296
report to the E.R.
267
00:12:42,396 --> 00:12:43,931
Dr. Ladenheim...
268
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,667
You had to call an ambulance,
didn't you?
269
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,503
I just ate too much fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.
270
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:50,771
Well, if you know what's wrong,
271
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,439
then I guess I can go home.
272
00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:53,941
Are you the doctor?
273
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,543
I'm the doctor.
274
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:57,679
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.
275
00:12:57,778 --> 00:13:00,948
(CACKLING)
276
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,684
What in the fuck?
277
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:04,084
I apologize for my wardrobe.
278
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,886
I just came from a costume ball.
279
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:08,155
Listen, Doc, I'm okay. I just...
280
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,124
I can't catch my breath is all.
281
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:11,825
On a scale of one to ten,
282
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:12,993
how bad would you say
your pain level is?
283
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:13,961
RANDAL: My pain level?
284
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:15,396
Like a negative three.
285
00:13:15,496 --> 00:13:17,031
Well, you're doing it all wrong.
286
00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:18,332
You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain
287
00:13:18,432 --> 00:13:20,034
when you have a heart attack.
288
00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:21,770
Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?
289
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,237
No, that's not what I said.
290
00:13:23,337 --> 00:13:24,805
- You misunderstood me.
- Oh, thank Christ.
291
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:25,973
You're having a heart attack
292
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,908
right now as we speak,
293
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,444
a massive one, so we have to act
pretty quickly.
294
00:13:30,545 --> 00:13:32,614
I just wish I wasn't so hung over.
295
00:13:32,714 --> 00:13:34,649
(SIGHS) I'm kidding.
296
00:13:34,749 --> 00:13:36,417
I'm gonna go get all glammed up
297
00:13:36,518 --> 00:13:38,018
for our big date and I'll see you
in the OR.
298
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,486
- Look at me.
- Uh-huh.
299
00:13:39,587 --> 00:13:40,888
Everything's gonna be fine, all right?
300
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,056
Good. All right.
301
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:43,924
He's not gonna make it.
302
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,160
Jesus, could someone
page the Good Witch?
303
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,295
What's next, a fucking Munchkin?
304
00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:51,633
♪ Shave and a haircut, two bits. ♪
305
00:13:51,733 --> 00:13:54,368
♪ Shave and a haircut, two bits. ♪
306
00:13:55,637 --> 00:13:57,539
I see that you met Dr. Ladenheim.
307
00:13:57,639 --> 00:14:01,543
And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.
308
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:05,112
Surgery? No. The doctor just said
I'm going to the OR.
309
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,348
Right! Which is short
for operating room
310
00:14:07,448 --> 00:14:10,284
where they do...
Ding, ding, ding, surgery!
311
00:14:10,384 --> 00:14:12,152
She gotta get into your heart.
312
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,188
Uh, is the doctor gonna crack
his chest open?
313
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:16,190
- Fuck.
- No, no, no.
314
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,891
She's gonna thread a camera through
his femoral artery
315
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,427
up to his ticker through a very
small incision.
316
00:14:20,528 --> 00:14:22,496
Where does she make this incision?
317
00:14:22,597 --> 00:14:23,565
In the groin.
318
00:14:23,665 --> 00:14:25,366
The groin?
Come on.
319
00:14:25,466 --> 00:14:27,000
- So I gotta shave you.
- (ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
320
00:14:27,101 --> 00:14:28,703
Or I get to shave you,
321
00:14:28,803 --> 00:14:31,539
depending on how much you love your job
and I love mine.
322
00:14:31,639 --> 00:14:35,442
So, as the wife says at 10:00 p.m.
after Dateline,
323
00:14:35,543 --> 00:14:36,944
every single week,
324
00:14:37,846 --> 00:14:39,446
take off your pants.
325
00:14:40,782 --> 00:14:42,650
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
326
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,251
(SIGHS)
327
00:14:48,523 --> 00:14:52,059
I gotta shave your groin, sir,
so underwear too.
328
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,261
First, can we establish geography?
329
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,196
Like, where is the groin to you?
330
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,899
Where's the groin to me?
331
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,568
What is this, a metaphysical question?
332
00:15:00,668 --> 00:15:02,804
We're running out of time here
to save your life.
333
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:03,904
So come on, let's go.
334
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,039
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
335
00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:07,941
Can you avert your eyes,
block your ears
336
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,577
and sing something, please?
337
00:15:09,677 --> 00:15:11,880
Oh, for God sakes.
What do you want me to sing?
338
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,313
- Not you, him.
- Oh, right.
339
00:15:13,414 --> 00:15:15,082
All right, here's the deal,
340
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:15,717
- Nurse Jackie.
- (DANTE HUMMING)
341
00:15:15,817 --> 00:15:17,251
Mmm.
342
00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:19,286
I got a really small dick, okay?
343
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,356
I promise you, it's nothing
I've not seen before
344
00:15:22,456 --> 00:15:24,826
- because I work in pediatrics.
- (DANTE HUMMING)
345
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,393
If I take off my underwear,
346
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,830
everyone in the ER is
gonna see my little dick
347
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,532
including my friend here,
348
00:15:30,632 --> 00:15:32,299
who thinks I got a giant cock 'cause
I've been lying to him
349
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,301
about it since we were 12.
(GRUNTS)
350
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,236
Is this a long fable, Aesop?
351
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,471
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
352
00:15:37,572 --> 00:15:39,574
give you a little more privacy...
353
00:15:39,674 --> 00:15:41,709
- There you go.
- Oh, thanks for that.
354
00:15:43,578 --> 00:15:45,547
Unfortunately, this is as far
as you can go
355
00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:48,716
but we do have a waiting room
that's right down this hall.
356
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,019
I'll be right here
when you get out, man.
357
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,188
You got this. (SNIFFLES)
358
00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:55,723
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
359
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:57,958
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
360
00:16:04,532 --> 00:16:09,102
♪ You got an ideaWe can rock the night ♪
361
00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:11,104
PARAMEDIC: We've got a female
with multiple
362
00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:12,807
C-spine complications,
internal bleeding
363
00:16:12,907 --> 00:16:14,141
and multiple lacerations.
364
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,511
Blood pressure, 100 over seven...
365
00:16:16,611 --> 00:16:20,214
♪ Let's both make a promiseThat we can't say... ♪
366
00:16:21,616 --> 00:16:23,785
ER NURSE: We're losing her.
Starting CPR.
367
00:16:23,885 --> 00:16:26,888
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
368
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,423
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
369
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,728
DR. LADENHEIM: (GASPS)
Why has he still
370
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,429
got his underpants on?
371
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:37,832
How am I supposed to get
to his femoral artery
372
00:16:37,932 --> 00:16:39,333
if he's wearing Squeezies?
373
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:40,935
MALE NURSE: (SPUTTERS)
I told him,
374
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,269
but he's got some body shame issues.
375
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:43,505
- (DR. LADENHEIM SIGHS)
- Look, Doc,
376
00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:44,973
I got a really small dick.
377
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,574
I'm trying to save your life
378
00:16:46,674 --> 00:16:48,041
and you're worried
about your little dick?
379
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:48,810
We don't have time for this.
380
00:16:48,910 --> 00:16:50,277
Whoa!
381
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:54,047
(SOBBING) This is all my fault.
382
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,116
No, it is not, Elias.
383
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,453
I prayed to God to smite Randal
384
00:16:59,554 --> 00:17:03,892
so Jesus attacked his heart
at my command.
385
00:17:03,992 --> 00:17:05,492
(SOBBING)
386
00:17:05,593 --> 00:17:08,028
Randal's mother had heart trouble, too.
387
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,999
(SNIFFLES) No, I gotta make
Jesus reverse this.
388
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,867
Pray with me, Mr. Dante.
389
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,536
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
390
00:17:14,636 --> 00:17:19,106
Oh, my sweet savior, hear your
gentle servant.
391
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,209
Spare the heretic I damned in jest.
392
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:25,078
Remember the words of the good thief.
393
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,347
Jesus did no wrong,
394
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,618
whereas we are but thieves.
395
00:17:31,719 --> 00:17:34,454
- DR. LADENHEIM: A-ha.
- What's up, Doc?
396
00:17:34,556 --> 00:17:37,157
I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo
397
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,425
that you're a superhero fan,
398
00:17:38,526 --> 00:17:39,928
so you might appreciate this.
399
00:17:40,028 --> 00:17:41,228
- Uh-huh.
- You know,
400
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,830
they have a name for the type
401
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,032
of heart attack you're having right now.
402
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,533
Really? Okay.
403
00:17:45,633 --> 00:17:47,535
They call it the "Widow-Maker".
404
00:17:47,635 --> 00:17:49,704
Now, doesn't that sound like
some bad guy
405
00:17:49,804 --> 00:17:52,105
that Ranger Danger has to fight?
(CHUCKLES)
406
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:54,274
Why do they call it the "Widow-Maker"?
407
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,076
Because in 80% of the cases
408
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:58,713
when there's 100% occlusion
like what you have now?
409
00:17:58,813 --> 00:18:01,883
Hands down, patient always dies, always.
410
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:03,518
Oh, fuck.
411
00:18:03,618 --> 00:18:05,352
But don't worry, you're gonna
be in the 20%
412
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,889
because keeping you alive is good
for my brand.
413
00:18:07,989 --> 00:18:09,624
Now, if you excuse me,
414
00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:11,859
I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch
415
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,528
and I'm gonna make a little magic,
416
00:18:13,628 --> 00:18:15,597
but, I could use all the help
that we can get.
417
00:18:15,697 --> 00:18:17,230
So, if you remember any prayers
418
00:18:17,331 --> 00:18:19,132
from when you were a kid,
419
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:20,334
now would be a terrific time
to dust those off.
420
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,269
(RANDAL GROANS SOFTLY)
421
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,806
Are you there, Crom?
422
00:18:24,906 --> 00:18:26,574
It's me, Randal.
423
00:18:26,674 --> 00:18:28,843
(ECHOES SLIGHTLY)Please don't let me die.
424
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,580
He won't answer me.
425
00:18:35,016 --> 00:18:36,618
After all this time...
426
00:18:37,552 --> 00:18:40,253
devoting my life to God.
427
00:18:40,354 --> 00:18:43,625
Jesus has abandoned
all of us at QuickStop.
428
00:18:43,725 --> 00:18:46,928
I think Jesus was always more
of a Wawa guy.
429
00:18:47,028 --> 00:18:50,497
(SIGHS) Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
430
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,235
I think I wasted my life
believing in bullshit.
431
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,738
I've been conned.
432
00:18:56,838 --> 00:18:59,874
Fairy tales, faith and pledging fealty
433
00:18:59,974 --> 00:19:03,745
to a fictional fucking phantom.
And for what?
434
00:19:03,845 --> 00:19:05,913
In my darkest hour
when I need him most,
435
00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,583
the Lord totally ghosts me!
436
00:19:10,685 --> 00:19:14,154
Well, to hell with all that
made up Jesus jive!
437
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,890
(NECKLACE CLATTERS)
438
00:19:16,991 --> 00:19:20,160
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Save Randal this night,
439
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,730
and I will swear my soul to you,
440
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,767
oh, sweet Satan.
441
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:27,434
Satan? Oh, buddy, no.
442
00:19:27,535 --> 00:19:31,204
I mean, isn't he kind of like,
the Optimus Prime of evil?
443
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,173
You don't have to condescend to me.
444
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,942
You can just say Megatron.
445
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:37,578
I'm kind of a Transformers virgin.
446
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:39,981
(SIGHS) Well,
447
00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:41,849
I'm an actual virgin,
448
00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:44,217
so I know Satan's gonna want my soul.
449
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,754
- For what?
- Evil.
450
00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:50,692
And butt sex probably.
451
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,829
- (SIGHS) Do you have any lube?
- Are you...
452
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:56,263
No!
453
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,365
(LOUDLY) I don't deserve lube!
454
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:00,300
Take me, Satan!
455
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,769
Jesus! Pull up your pants.
456
00:20:01,869 --> 00:20:03,504
- Make me your concubine!
- Jesus...
457
00:20:03,604 --> 00:20:05,006
- Pull up your pants.
- No, stop it.
458
00:20:05,106 --> 00:20:06,541
I have to fuck Satan.
459
00:20:06,641 --> 00:20:10,111
And that's when, I shit you not,
460
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:13,346
Luke-fuckin'-Skywalker shows up.
461
00:20:13,447 --> 00:20:14,949
- DR. LADENHEIM: Uh-huh.
- And I'm talking about
462
00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:17,985
the young, fuckable Luke
from Return of the Jedi,
463
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:20,722
not the Gran Torino,
"Get off my lawn"
464
00:20:20,822 --> 00:20:23,390
- Luke from The Last Jedi.
- DR. LADENHEIM: Okay.
465
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:25,258
Quick heart update, Mr. Graves.
466
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,327
- Uh-huh.
- During your thorough
467
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,097
retelling of The Star Wars Show...
468
00:20:29,197 --> 00:20:30,798
The Mandalorian, season two.
469
00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:32,734
...I was able to get
the stent in place.
470
00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:34,535
So this is where
I need your help now.
471
00:20:34,635 --> 00:20:36,303
I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do
472
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,705
is tell me when you feel
473
00:20:37,805 --> 00:20:39,507
the pressure lets up, all right?
474
00:20:39,607 --> 00:20:41,408
Let's do this, McDreamy.
475
00:20:41,509 --> 00:20:43,044
"This is The Way."
476
00:20:43,144 --> 00:20:44,579
The way to what?
477
00:20:44,679 --> 00:20:47,215
Oh, that's a saying
from The Mandalorian.
478
00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:49,717
- Huh?
- The Star Wars Show.
479
00:20:49,817 --> 00:20:51,519
Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause
480
00:20:51,619 --> 00:20:53,320
on all your pop culture
references for a minute
481
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,090
just until we open the stent.
On three.
482
00:20:56,190 --> 00:20:58,826
- One, two, three!
- (GASPING)
483
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:00,561
Oh!
484
00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:04,732
Holy shit, I can fucking breathe again.
485
00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,567
Does this mean I'm gonna live now?
486
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:08,703
Yes, because I'm an amazing doctor.
487
00:21:08,803 --> 00:21:11,606
You're a better doctor
than Doctor Strange
488
00:21:11,706 --> 00:21:14,709
- and Doctor Zaius combined.
- Doctor who?
489
00:21:14,809 --> 00:21:16,677
Oh, no, I don't watch that show,
490
00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:20,715
but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive!
491
00:21:20,815 --> 00:21:21,916
(LAUGHS)
492
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:24,185
"Mazel tov!" as the Chinese say.
493
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,520
Thank you, Doctor.
494
00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:27,989
Thank you for saving my life.
495
00:21:28,089 --> 00:21:30,958
You're like the Batman of heart surgery.
(CHUCKLES)
496
00:21:31,058 --> 00:21:32,392
Yeah?
497
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:33,661
(SPEAKING GRUFFLY)
With great power
498
00:21:33,761 --> 00:21:35,062
comes great responsibility.
499
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:36,764
What the fuck was that?
500
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:41,936
- You're alive!
- DANTE: You're alive!
501
00:21:42,036 --> 00:21:44,337
- Are you okay?
- If that was a heart attack,
502
00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:47,542
I'll take another one.
That shit was easy. (CHUCKLES)
503
00:21:47,642 --> 00:21:50,443
Okay, you must be on a lot of drugs
right now.
504
00:21:50,545 --> 00:21:52,479
No, they didn't give me
nothing in there.
505
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:54,148
I had to do the whole thing sober.
506
00:21:54,248 --> 00:21:57,051
He's high as a kite on fentanyl.
507
00:21:57,151 --> 00:21:59,687
Kite imagery, very cool.
508
00:21:59,787 --> 00:22:02,355
See, Randal, kites are in the air.
509
00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:03,925
Stop with the fucking kites.
510
00:22:04,025 --> 00:22:05,526
DR. LADENHEIM: One more thing,
Mr. Graves,
511
00:22:05,626 --> 00:22:08,495
since you were really
preoccupied about it,
512
00:22:08,596 --> 00:22:12,767
so much so that you wasted time
and nearly died,
513
00:22:12,867 --> 00:22:14,702
your penis is not that small.
514
00:22:14,802 --> 00:22:16,904
It's not that big,
but it's not that small.
515
00:22:17,004 --> 00:22:19,941
(CHUCKLES) That's the best
news I heard all day.
516
00:22:20,041 --> 00:22:21,341
(CHUCKLING WEAKLY)
517
00:22:24,612 --> 00:22:26,047
DANTE: Is he gonna be okay?
518
00:22:26,147 --> 00:22:27,315
How do I help?
519
00:22:27,414 --> 00:22:28,749
Well, if you care about him,
520
00:22:28,850 --> 00:22:30,818
you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.
521
00:22:30,918 --> 00:22:33,321
The guy's got more cholesterol
in his arteries than blood.
522
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:35,857
Got it. From now on, I'm only
gonna order him food
523
00:22:35,957 --> 00:22:37,457
off the vegan menu at Mooby's.
524
00:22:37,558 --> 00:22:39,293
- Him and you.
- Me?
525
00:22:39,392 --> 00:22:40,595
If you're around his age
526
00:22:40,695 --> 00:22:42,395
and eat the same diet
as your friend,
527
00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:44,464
you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.
528
00:22:44,565 --> 00:22:46,267
Will do.
529
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:47,668
But here's something
I want you to keep
530
00:22:47,768 --> 00:22:49,737
an eye out for
as regards to Randal.
531
00:22:49,837 --> 00:22:51,005
Okay.
532
00:22:51,105 --> 00:22:53,341
Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression
533
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,042
after they've had a heart attack.
534
00:22:55,142 --> 00:22:57,078
Now your friend might sound or
act differently now because
535
00:22:57,178 --> 00:22:59,647
he's come face to face
with his own mortality.
536
00:22:59,747 --> 00:23:02,216
So... for the next few months,
537
00:23:02,316 --> 00:23:04,318
do whatever you can do
538
00:23:04,417 --> 00:23:07,387
to help Randal keep his spirits up.
539
00:23:07,487 --> 00:23:08,689
All right?
540
00:23:08,789 --> 00:23:10,992
Now, my bill is in the mail.
541
00:23:14,295 --> 00:23:15,696
♪ ("WHATEVER IT TAKES"
BY LISA DALBELLO PLAYING) ♪
542
00:23:15,796 --> 00:23:17,397
Judgy.
543
00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:18,833
♪ Whatever it takes ♪
544
00:23:20,701 --> 00:23:22,870
♪ I know I can make it ♪
545
00:23:25,072 --> 00:23:27,541
♪ I knowI can make it through ♪
546
00:23:28,542 --> 00:23:29,844
(SONG FADES)
547
00:23:33,347 --> 00:23:35,182
I brought you a hat.
548
00:23:35,283 --> 00:23:36,751
Yeah. Thanks.
549
00:23:38,386 --> 00:23:39,520
I can't believe you're still awake
550
00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:40,988
after the day you've been through.
551
00:23:41,088 --> 00:23:43,925
Yeah, I can't sleep.
552
00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:46,894
There was only a 20% chance
553
00:23:46,994 --> 00:23:50,197
I was gonna make it out
of that OR alive tonight.
554
00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:52,133
Hmm. Is that right?
555
00:23:52,233 --> 00:23:54,969
I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying
556
00:23:55,069 --> 00:23:57,038
any time I leave my apartment.
557
00:23:57,905 --> 00:23:59,840
But today,
558
00:23:59,941 --> 00:24:03,644
there was an 80% chance
everything for me
559
00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:05,613
was just gonna stop.
560
00:24:06,814 --> 00:24:08,716
There was an 80% chance
561
00:24:08,816 --> 00:24:10,685
you and I were never gonna talk about
Star Wars again.
562
00:24:12,386 --> 00:24:13,754
There was an 80% chance
563
00:24:13,854 --> 00:24:15,455
I would never know for a medical fact,
564
00:24:15,556 --> 00:24:17,858
I got a normal-sized dick.
565
00:24:17,959 --> 00:24:19,660
You always said it was huge.
566
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,128
I was gonna miss a lot of shit
567
00:24:21,228 --> 00:24:23,531
if you didn't call
that ambulance today.
568
00:24:25,299 --> 00:24:27,234
You saved my life, man.
569
00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:28,836
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh.
570
00:24:28,936 --> 00:24:31,572
I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.
571
00:24:31,672 --> 00:24:32,673
DANTE: Come on, man.
572
00:24:32,773 --> 00:24:35,109
What are you talking about?
573
00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:36,377
When I was lying there,
574
00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:39,080
wondering if I was gonna die,
575
00:24:39,180 --> 00:24:42,950
I saw the whole movie of my life
flash before my eyes.
576
00:24:44,552 --> 00:24:45,920
You know what?
577
00:24:46,687 --> 00:24:48,689
It sucked. (SCOFFS)
578
00:24:50,324 --> 00:24:53,594
I always thought, hoped...
579
00:24:53,694 --> 00:24:57,665
that my life was building
towards something.
580
00:24:57,765 --> 00:24:59,900
Turns out it was just the hospital.
581
00:25:00,001 --> 00:25:01,202
What are you talking about?
582
00:25:01,302 --> 00:25:03,304
We built our own business.
583
00:25:03,404 --> 00:25:05,973
So I co-own a convenience store.
Big deal.
584
00:25:06,073 --> 00:25:08,776
I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.
585
00:25:08,876 --> 00:25:10,978
I never fell in love like you.
586
00:25:11,078 --> 00:25:12,780
If I'd have dropped dead tonight,
587
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,916
only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.
588
00:25:16,017 --> 00:25:19,954
I mean, look at me, man,
I'm almost 50.
589
00:25:20,054 --> 00:25:21,756
I sit around and watch the same
590
00:25:21,856 --> 00:25:23,891
stupid movies over and over.
591
00:25:24,392 --> 00:25:25,593
(SIGHS)
592
00:25:25,693 --> 00:25:27,862
The fuck is wrong with me?
593
00:25:28,496 --> 00:25:30,531
I don't know.
594
00:25:30,631 --> 00:25:32,199
You know so much
about all that stuff.
595
00:25:32,299 --> 00:25:34,602
I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.
596
00:25:42,376 --> 00:25:43,811
Holy shit.
597
00:25:44,678 --> 00:25:45,946
You're right.
598
00:25:49,216 --> 00:25:51,786
I could make a pretty cool movie.
599
00:25:51,886 --> 00:25:54,355
I've been watching movies
all my life,
600
00:25:54,455 --> 00:25:56,257
I've seen all these people
tell their stories
601
00:25:56,357 --> 00:25:59,126
and never once thought about
trying to tell mine.
602
00:25:59,226 --> 00:26:00,561
Well, fuck that, man.
603
00:26:00,661 --> 00:26:02,163
Since I almost died tonight,
604
00:26:02,263 --> 00:26:04,732
now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.
605
00:26:04,832 --> 00:26:06,767
So, no more watching movies
606
00:26:06,867 --> 00:26:08,736
because when I get out of here...
607
00:26:10,004 --> 00:26:12,740
I'm gonna make a movie!
608
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,675
(MACHINE BEEPING)
609
00:26:19,180 --> 00:26:20,381
DANTE: A movie?
610
00:26:20,481 --> 00:26:22,149
Don't you have to go to
film school or something?
611
00:26:22,249 --> 00:26:25,886
It's like 75 G's a year
to go to NYU Film School.
612
00:26:25,986 --> 00:26:28,523
And you know what those kids pay
all that money for?
613
00:26:28,622 --> 00:26:30,858
I don't know. To watch movies.
614
00:26:30,958 --> 00:26:33,861
I worked in a video store
for 20 years
615
00:26:33,961 --> 00:26:36,163
where I sat around and watched
movies all day, too.
616
00:26:36,263 --> 00:26:39,834
So basically,
I went to my own film school.
617
00:26:39,934 --> 00:26:42,903
Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,
618
00:26:43,003 --> 00:26:45,106
doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.
619
00:26:45,206 --> 00:26:47,108
(SCOFFS) Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.
620
00:26:47,208 --> 00:26:49,210
Oh, now you're Quentin Tarantino?
621
00:26:49,310 --> 00:26:52,980
I'm not saying I'm gonna make
a movie as good as him,
622
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,782
but I'm not good at sex either,
623
00:26:54,882 --> 00:26:56,484
and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.
624
00:26:56,585 --> 00:26:57,785
(SCOFFS)
625
00:27:05,626 --> 00:27:07,261
DANTE: You wanna
shoot a movie here,
626
00:27:07,361 --> 00:27:08,996
at the QuickStop?
627
00:27:09,096 --> 00:27:10,965
Yeah, I've seen convenience stores
in flicks before,
628
00:27:11,065 --> 00:27:13,000
but I've never seen an entire flick
629
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:14,735
set in a convenience store.
630
00:27:14,835 --> 00:27:16,403
Because who would wanna watch that?
631
00:27:16,505 --> 00:27:18,739
I mean, it's my life and I barely
wanna live it.
632
00:27:18,839 --> 00:27:21,408
This movie's meant to memorialize my life.
633
00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:22,810
And since I spent the last
634
00:27:22,910 --> 00:27:24,178
30 years of my life working here...
635
00:27:24,278 --> 00:27:25,846
Oh. Working?
636
00:27:25,946 --> 00:27:27,982
I got plenty of convenience stories
637
00:27:28,082 --> 00:27:29,783
to put into a screenplay.
638
00:27:29,884 --> 00:27:31,752
- Convenience Stories.
- Good title.
639
00:27:31,852 --> 00:27:33,555
Well, what kind of convenience stories
640
00:27:33,687 --> 00:27:35,022
are we talking about here?
641
00:27:35,122 --> 00:27:37,057
(LAUGHS) Remember the time
we went to
642
00:27:37,158 --> 00:27:39,793
Julie Dwyer's funeral
and you knocked the casket over?
643
00:27:39,894 --> 00:27:41,829
You knocked the casket over.
644
00:27:42,597 --> 00:27:43,697
I did?
(SIGHS)
645
00:27:43,797 --> 00:27:45,466
Well, that's a scene now.
646
00:27:45,567 --> 00:27:47,134
Or how about the time the old guy
was jerking off
647
00:27:47,234 --> 00:27:48,936
in the bathroom and dropped dead?
648
00:27:49,036 --> 00:27:50,804
That's totally a scene, man.
649
00:27:50,905 --> 00:27:52,607
I mean, all the shit
you and I have said
650
00:27:52,706 --> 00:27:53,908
sitting at this counter,
651
00:27:54,008 --> 00:27:55,442
these are all scenes now, man.
652
00:27:55,544 --> 00:27:57,077
How about the time you burned
the store down?
653
00:27:57,178 --> 00:27:58,779
Is that gonna be a scene?
654
00:27:58,879 --> 00:27:59,980
I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.
655
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,282
- Uh-huh.
- (DOOR OPENS)
656
00:28:02,716 --> 00:28:03,684
RANDAL: Hey, hey!
657
00:28:03,784 --> 00:28:05,352
Motley Crewneck.
658
00:28:06,887 --> 00:28:08,923
Anyone in your Christian Crypto Club
659
00:28:09,023 --> 00:28:11,859
got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?
660
00:28:11,959 --> 00:28:13,628
It's called the Crimson Crypto Club now.
661
00:28:13,727 --> 00:28:16,197
Our first drops gonna be all
crypto kites.
662
00:28:16,297 --> 00:28:18,065
Oh, put that shit away, Elon Muskrat.
663
00:28:18,165 --> 00:28:19,833
What do you guys need a camera for?
664
00:28:19,934 --> 00:28:22,136
- RANDAL: Mmm.
- Randal wants to make a movie.
665
00:28:22,236 --> 00:28:23,804
Ooh, like a pornography movie?
666
00:28:23,904 --> 00:28:25,706
No, like a "movie" movie,
667
00:28:25,806 --> 00:28:27,908
one with actors and a screenplay
668
00:28:28,008 --> 00:28:29,710
and Crafty. (LAUGHS)
669
00:28:29,810 --> 00:28:31,111
What's Crafty?
670
00:28:31,212 --> 00:28:32,746
That's where the, uh, crew hangs out
671
00:28:32,846 --> 00:28:34,014
and practices witchcraft,
672
00:28:34,114 --> 00:28:35,916
you little devil worshipper.
673
00:28:36,483 --> 00:28:37,851
Cool.
674
00:28:37,952 --> 00:28:40,589
Crafty is where you find all
the food on set.
675
00:28:40,689 --> 00:28:41,822
But if you're shooting in here,
676
00:28:41,922 --> 00:28:43,692
I guess the whole store's Crafty.
677
00:28:43,791 --> 00:28:45,359
What's the movie gonna be about?
678
00:28:45,459 --> 00:28:46,927
Mmm, it's gonna be
about an hour and a half.
679
00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:48,530
I hate long movies.
680
00:28:48,630 --> 00:28:50,998
- It's about him working here.
- ELIAS: Wow.
681
00:28:51,098 --> 00:28:54,735
Meta. Never seen a whole movie
set in a convenience store before.
682
00:28:54,835 --> 00:28:56,571
Right? Thank you.
683
00:28:56,671 --> 00:28:58,607
I'm gonna fill the script with
all the weird shit
684
00:28:58,707 --> 00:28:59,773
me and Dante have ever said
685
00:28:59,873 --> 00:29:00,908
or seen around here
686
00:29:01,008 --> 00:29:02,376
- over the years.
- Oh.
687
00:29:02,476 --> 00:29:03,877
You should put in that stuff
you used to say
688
00:29:03,978 --> 00:29:05,379
about the Death Star contractors.
689
00:29:05,479 --> 00:29:08,148
(SCOFFS) Get sued by Disney?
Fuck that.
690
00:29:08,249 --> 00:29:10,417
Besides, I don't want this movie
to be about other movies.
691
00:29:10,517 --> 00:29:12,319
I want it to be about me.
692
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,088
It's my flick,
so I wanna write about
693
00:29:14,188 --> 00:29:15,724
the things that I do.
694
00:29:15,823 --> 00:29:18,158
Like, um, like how we play hockey
on the rooftop.
695
00:29:18,259 --> 00:29:20,828
I've never seen that done
in a movie or a TV show,
696
00:29:20,928 --> 00:29:23,197
even though it's just fucking practical.
697
00:29:23,297 --> 00:29:24,865
(LAUGHS)
Remember that fight
698
00:29:24,965 --> 00:29:26,000
where I hit you in the face
with the bread?
699
00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:27,602
Ooh, that could be a scene.
700
00:29:27,702 --> 00:29:29,504
Or the time I spit water
on that old guy?
701
00:29:29,604 --> 00:29:31,939
That's, like, the fucking opening scene.
702
00:29:32,039 --> 00:29:33,608
Ooh, I got an idea.
703
00:29:33,708 --> 00:29:35,409
Maybe Jay and Silent Bob
could be characters.
704
00:29:35,510 --> 00:29:37,945
That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
705
00:29:38,045 --> 00:29:39,280
DANTE: Well, you're still gonna have
706
00:29:39,380 --> 00:29:40,848
to get them involved
if you wanna set
707
00:29:40,948 --> 00:29:42,383
any of the scenes
in your old video store.
708
00:29:42,483 --> 00:29:44,285
All right. Watch the register, dawg.
709
00:29:44,385 --> 00:29:47,054
We got to go talk to the Warner Brothers.
710
00:29:48,389 --> 00:29:50,791
What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.
711
00:29:50,891 --> 00:29:52,561
Almost.
712
00:29:52,661 --> 00:29:54,663
What happened is I was taking a shit
in the high grass
713
00:29:54,763 --> 00:29:55,863
when a rattlesnake came up
714
00:29:55,963 --> 00:29:57,798
and bit me right on the asshole.
715
00:29:57,898 --> 00:29:59,900
But like the good friend he is,
716
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,202
Dante sucked the poison out.
717
00:30:02,303 --> 00:30:05,105
See? It happened to them, too, man.
718
00:30:05,205 --> 00:30:07,007
Well, listen, when we thought
you were dead, man,
719
00:30:07,107 --> 00:30:09,143
I felt really, really bad
720
00:30:09,243 --> 00:30:10,779
'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out
721
00:30:10,878 --> 00:30:12,212
in front of this store and stuff,
722
00:30:12,313 --> 00:30:14,448
I forgot to give you something.
723
00:30:23,824 --> 00:30:25,292
Dental School?
724
00:30:25,392 --> 00:30:28,896
Me and Veggie Dick rented
that shit in 1994,
725
00:30:28,996 --> 00:30:30,397
but we never watched it
726
00:30:30,497 --> 00:30:32,900
'cause we didn't have a VCR.
(CHUCKLES)
727
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,102
But now, you can put it on the shelf
728
00:30:35,202 --> 00:30:37,471
in the video store.
Oh, yeah.
729
00:30:37,572 --> 00:30:40,542
Uh, the video store closed
ten years ago.
730
00:30:42,443 --> 00:30:43,712
It did?
731
00:30:43,812 --> 00:30:46,013
This was the video store.
732
00:30:51,218 --> 00:30:52,787
Oh, yeah, I'm getting senile
733
00:30:52,886 --> 00:30:54,421
and shit right there, you know?
(LAUGHS)
734
00:30:54,522 --> 00:30:57,458
So listen, how much we owe
you for late fees?
735
00:30:57,559 --> 00:31:02,764
(SCOFFS) Uh, well, let's see,
a dollar a day for what,
736
00:31:02,863 --> 00:31:06,066
26, 28 years?
737
00:31:06,166 --> 00:31:12,172
That's, like, approximately...
$10,220.
738
00:31:13,941 --> 00:31:15,376
Oh, didn't rewind.
739
00:31:16,210 --> 00:31:20,013
$10,220 and 50 cents.
740
00:31:21,750 --> 00:31:23,618
You take crypto?
741
00:31:23,718 --> 00:31:25,185
You guys got crypto?
742
00:31:26,855 --> 00:31:27,988
No.
743
00:31:28,088 --> 00:31:29,356
If you never watched it,
744
00:31:29,456 --> 00:31:31,191
- why was it not rewound?
- Yeah.
745
00:31:31,291 --> 00:31:33,528
Hey, asshole, I said we didn't
have a VCR.
746
00:31:33,628 --> 00:31:36,397
We watched it. We held it up
to the light.
747
00:31:37,264 --> 00:31:38,533
(CHUCKLES)
Fucking Luddite.
748
00:31:38,633 --> 00:31:40,635
Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees
749
00:31:40,735 --> 00:31:43,805
on the 28-year-old copy
of Dental School
750
00:31:43,904 --> 00:31:45,239
if you let us shoot a movie in here.
751
00:31:45,339 --> 00:31:47,675
Ooh, a pornography movie?
752
00:31:47,776 --> 00:31:50,110
No, it's not a porno movie.
753
00:31:50,210 --> 00:31:53,380
Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying
754
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,985
'cause I am the Clit Commander!
755
00:31:58,085 --> 00:31:59,420
Snootchie Bootchies.
756
00:31:59,521 --> 00:32:01,589
♪ (7-ELEVEN NACHOS BY FROGGY PLAYING) ♪
757
00:32:04,626 --> 00:32:06,927
♪ I love nachos ♪
758
00:32:07,027 --> 00:32:09,463
♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven ♪
759
00:32:09,564 --> 00:32:11,566
♪ I know thatThey're bad for me ♪
760
00:32:11,666 --> 00:32:14,669
♪ When I eat themI'm in heaven ♪
761
00:32:14,769 --> 00:32:16,871
♪ 7-Eleven nachos! ♪
762
00:32:16,970 --> 00:32:19,206
♪ 7-Eleven nachos! ♪
763
00:32:19,306 --> 00:32:21,576
♪ 7-Eleven nachos! ♪
764
00:32:21,676 --> 00:32:25,012
♪ Liquid toppingsTaste so good ♪
765
00:32:29,784 --> 00:32:31,018
Goodnight.
766
00:32:31,619 --> 00:32:33,120
Thirty-seven?
767
00:32:37,090 --> 00:32:38,392
That's not a scene, Randal.
768
00:32:38,492 --> 00:32:39,894
Stop writing it right now.
769
00:32:39,993 --> 00:32:41,495
Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.
770
00:32:41,596 --> 00:32:44,264
(SHOUTING) Shut the fuck up.
It's nighttime!
771
00:32:48,803 --> 00:32:51,004
DANTE: "In Convenience"?
772
00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:52,774
It's the story of my life.
773
00:32:52,874 --> 00:32:54,876
Hundred and sixty-eight pages
full of dick jokes,
774
00:32:54,975 --> 00:32:56,143
set in a convenience store,
775
00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:57,978
written in one night.
776
00:32:58,078 --> 00:32:59,848
Maybe don't tell people
that last part.
777
00:32:59,948 --> 00:33:02,483
I thought, you were gonna call it
"Convenience Stories."
778
00:33:02,584 --> 00:33:04,886
Yeah, that shit sounded too precious.
779
00:33:04,985 --> 00:33:06,220
What am I, Wes Anderson?
780
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:07,789
(CHUCKLES) Not based
on this script.
781
00:33:07,889 --> 00:33:09,256
"There is only one return
782
00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,593
"and it ain't of the King,
it's of the Jedi."
783
00:33:11,693 --> 00:33:13,227
- Hmm.
- ELIAS: Hey.
784
00:33:13,327 --> 00:33:14,729
You said that same thing about Return
785
00:33:14,829 --> 00:33:16,497
the day that guy threw up
in Mooby's
786
00:33:16,598 --> 00:33:18,232
- and you made me clean it.
- RANDAL: Yeah.
787
00:33:18,332 --> 00:33:19,567
Everything in the script is something
788
00:33:19,667 --> 00:33:20,969
either me or someone I know said,
789
00:33:21,068 --> 00:33:22,269
I just made up new names.
790
00:33:22,369 --> 00:33:23,671
What am I, some kind of writer?
791
00:33:23,771 --> 00:33:25,172
(WHISPERING) Ah, yes.
792
00:33:25,272 --> 00:33:26,941
Blockchain would like to understand
793
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,243
why the two girls are into this
"Dan-T" character
794
00:33:29,343 --> 00:33:31,546
when the Randy character is much funnier.
795
00:33:31,646 --> 00:33:33,146
Randy has been asking himself
796
00:33:33,247 --> 00:33:34,716
the same question his whole life.
797
00:33:34,816 --> 00:33:36,416
What's wrong with Dan-T?
(SCOFFS)
798
00:33:36,518 --> 00:33:38,753
Read his first scene on page 37.
799
00:33:38,853 --> 00:33:40,287
DANTE: Are you kidding me?
800
00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:41,723
I'm in this convenience store
way more than you,
801
00:33:41,823 --> 00:33:43,023
but I don't come into your
802
00:33:43,123 --> 00:33:44,859
convenience store movie 'til page 37?
803
00:33:44,959 --> 00:33:46,895
I had a lot of exposition to do.
804
00:33:46,995 --> 00:33:48,428
(SIGHS) "Enter Dan-T.
805
00:33:48,530 --> 00:33:50,999
"A hideous fuckin' chud of a man."
What the fuck?
806
00:33:51,098 --> 00:33:53,166
RANDAL: Well, maybe Dan-T's not you.
807
00:33:53,267 --> 00:33:54,569
Do you ever think of that?
808
00:33:54,669 --> 00:33:56,871
"Dan-T's hideous fuckin' chud of a beard
809
00:33:56,971 --> 00:34:00,073
"doesn't suggest Tony Stark so much as
a male crack whore
810
00:34:00,173 --> 00:34:01,809
"who is cosplaying as Tony Stark."
811
00:34:01,910 --> 00:34:03,945
That's just in the screen direction.
812
00:34:04,044 --> 00:34:05,580
Nobody actually calls Dan-T
813
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,181
"a hideous fuckin' chud."
To his face.
814
00:34:08,282 --> 00:34:09,383
I can't believe you made me
815
00:34:09,483 --> 00:34:11,151
sign a non-disclosure agreement,
816
00:34:11,251 --> 00:34:12,787
only to read that I'm not even
817
00:34:12,887 --> 00:34:14,522
one of the main characters
in the story of your life.
818
00:34:14,622 --> 00:34:16,123
I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,
819
00:34:16,223 --> 00:34:17,559
but I thought I was at least the Han.
820
00:34:17,659 --> 00:34:19,259
Oh, come on, I'm the Han
821
00:34:19,359 --> 00:34:20,394
and the Luke, right?
(SCOFFS)
822
00:34:20,494 --> 00:34:23,063
Then who am I, the Chewie?
823
00:34:23,163 --> 00:34:24,766
I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?
824
00:34:24,866 --> 00:34:26,801
Unless this is Empire
then I'm the Lando
825
00:34:26,901 --> 00:34:28,268
and he's the Lobot.
826
00:34:28,368 --> 00:34:29,671
I'm not even the Lobot?
827
00:34:29,771 --> 00:34:31,171
Which one's Lobot?
828
00:34:31,271 --> 00:34:32,339
He's the one with the headphones
who looks like
829
00:34:32,439 --> 00:34:33,608
a dad who's trying to be a DJ.
830
00:34:33,708 --> 00:34:35,309
The bald fucker from Bespin
831
00:34:35,409 --> 00:34:36,744
who never says nothing
the whole movie.
832
00:34:36,844 --> 00:34:38,780
Wouldn't that make
Silent Bob the Lobot?
833
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:42,449
No. Jay and Silent Bob are
clearly the C-3PO and R2-D2.
834
00:34:42,550 --> 00:34:44,318
I mean, they've been here
since the first movie,
835
00:34:44,418 --> 00:34:46,353
which was the last time
they were cool,
836
00:34:46,453 --> 00:34:48,288
but they've been with the franchise
so long
837
00:34:48,388 --> 00:34:49,557
they still give them cameos
838
00:34:49,657 --> 00:34:51,124
and put them on the lunchboxes.
839
00:34:51,224 --> 00:34:54,862
So if I'm not Luke, Han, Chewie, Lando,
840
00:34:54,963 --> 00:34:56,463
the droids or the Lobot,
841
00:34:56,564 --> 00:34:58,265
then who the fuck am I
in your Star Wars,
842
00:34:58,365 --> 00:35:00,267
- Princess fucking Leia?
- No.
843
00:35:00,367 --> 00:35:01,736
You're the Dak.
844
00:35:01,836 --> 00:35:04,137
Who the fuck is Dak?
845
00:35:04,237 --> 00:35:05,673
He's Luke Skywalker's tail gunner
846
00:35:05,773 --> 00:35:07,441
in the Battle of Hoth.
847
00:35:07,542 --> 00:35:09,010
You know, the guy who's ready
848
00:35:09,109 --> 00:35:10,511
to take on the whole Empire himself
849
00:35:10,612 --> 00:35:12,145
until the Empire kills
the shit out of him?
850
00:35:12,245 --> 00:35:15,382
(SCOFFS) Did Dak even
get an action figure?
851
00:35:15,482 --> 00:35:17,619
Not in the classic Kenner line, no.
852
00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:19,319
Because?
853
00:35:19,419 --> 00:35:20,989
Because he was deemed unimportant
to the story.
854
00:35:21,089 --> 00:35:22,523
But that's just bullshit, man.
855
00:35:22,624 --> 00:35:25,860
Without Dak, Luke could have never...
856
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:29,764
Like, Dak was the only guy that's,
like, uh...
857
00:35:29,864 --> 00:35:33,467
I mean, Dak was plucky as shit, man,
just like you.
858
00:35:33,568 --> 00:35:35,536
Uh, I have a question
about the script.
859
00:35:35,637 --> 00:35:36,904
Great, more fuckin' notes.
860
00:35:37,005 --> 00:35:38,673
- Go ahead.
- ELIAS: Yes.
861
00:35:38,773 --> 00:35:41,475
Uh, I have a problem with
the Friar Fuck character,
862
00:35:41,576 --> 00:35:43,210
who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.
863
00:35:43,310 --> 00:35:45,980
Friar Fuck, uh, loves Jesus,
864
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:49,383
uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.
865
00:35:49,817 --> 00:35:50,985
And?
866
00:35:51,085 --> 00:35:53,688
And Elias is a born again Satanist.
867
00:35:53,788 --> 00:35:55,623
Because it was Satan who saved you
868
00:35:55,723 --> 00:35:58,191
when my prayers fell
on the deaf ears of Jesus,
869
00:35:58,291 --> 00:36:00,260
the giant jerkoff.
(SPITTING)
870
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:01,963
All right, listen up, Friar Fuck.
871
00:36:02,063 --> 00:36:03,363
I get that you just broke up
872
00:36:03,463 --> 00:36:05,332
with your boyfriend Jesus recently,
873
00:36:05,432 --> 00:36:07,334
and clearly you're going through
some couture
874
00:36:07,434 --> 00:36:09,037
and cosmetic stuff because of it.
875
00:36:09,137 --> 00:36:10,972
But for the first 36 years
of your life,
876
00:36:11,072 --> 00:36:13,941
you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,
877
00:36:14,042 --> 00:36:17,210
and that's the Elias
that I based Friar Fuck on.
878
00:36:17,310 --> 00:36:19,013
Then this script is based on lies.
879
00:36:19,113 --> 00:36:20,480
Welcome to the movie biz.
880
00:36:20,581 --> 00:36:23,183
There's no truth in this art!
881
00:36:23,283 --> 00:36:24,451
Jesus.
882
00:36:24,552 --> 00:36:27,155
Everyone's a critic.
883
00:36:27,254 --> 00:36:28,488
So, what do we do next?
884
00:36:28,589 --> 00:36:30,323
What are you asking Dak for?
885
00:36:30,424 --> 00:36:33,127
Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.
886
00:36:33,226 --> 00:36:35,163
- That's your job.
- Me?
887
00:36:35,262 --> 00:36:36,964
What do I know about producing?
888
00:36:37,065 --> 00:36:38,700
Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.
889
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,300
I can't do everything, man.
890
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:42,369
All right. What does a producer do?
891
00:36:42,469 --> 00:36:45,106
Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,
892
00:36:45,205 --> 00:36:47,775
secure a DP,
and most importantly,
893
00:36:47,875 --> 00:36:49,409
find us financing.
894
00:36:49,510 --> 00:36:52,479
What, I gotta get money, too?
895
00:36:52,580 --> 00:36:53,948
How much are we
talking about here?
896
00:36:54,048 --> 00:36:56,117
Mmm, 25 grand.
897
00:36:56,216 --> 00:36:59,020
$25,000?
898
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,723
Well, technically, it's $27,575
899
00:37:01,823 --> 00:37:03,591
but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.
900
00:37:03,691 --> 00:37:05,159
Where the fuck am I supposed to find
901
00:37:05,258 --> 00:37:06,493
that kind of money from?
902
00:37:06,594 --> 00:37:08,295
We can find that kind of cash.
903
00:37:08,896 --> 00:37:10,430
What? How?
904
00:37:10,531 --> 00:37:12,033
We launch our crypto kite NFT's next month.
905
00:37:12,133 --> 00:37:13,467
So the Crimson Crypto Club
906
00:37:13,568 --> 00:37:14,669
could have a lotof money to invest
907
00:37:14,769 --> 00:37:16,303
if the crypto kites fly.
908
00:37:16,403 --> 00:37:18,039
RANDAL: Again with the fucking kites.
909
00:37:18,139 --> 00:37:20,575
Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,
910
00:37:20,675 --> 00:37:22,710
not your make pretend
Matrix money,
911
00:37:22,810 --> 00:37:24,846
you fuckin' kite fucker.
912
00:37:24,946 --> 00:37:27,181
I'm sick and tired of the
kite killing attitude around here.
913
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:28,516
(SCOFFING)
914
00:37:29,183 --> 00:37:31,351
(DOOR OPENS)
915
00:37:31,451 --> 00:37:32,954
RANDAL: Anyway, back to the budget.
916
00:37:33,054 --> 00:37:34,354
What if we took out a loan
against the store?
917
00:37:34,454 --> 00:37:35,790
A loan?
918
00:37:35,890 --> 00:37:37,658
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just
919
00:37:37,759 --> 00:37:39,227
slow down a minute and
think about this first?
920
00:37:39,326 --> 00:37:41,328
Slow down?
I almost died, man.
921
00:37:41,428 --> 00:37:42,964
It doesn't get any slower than that.
922
00:37:43,064 --> 00:37:45,666
I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.
923
00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:47,400
Uh, what's that supposed to mean?
924
00:37:47,502 --> 00:37:48,803
You're the guy who can never decide
925
00:37:48,903 --> 00:37:50,605
whether to shit or get off the pot.
926
00:37:50,705 --> 00:37:52,740
Well, I don't have time
for that anymore.
927
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:54,742
From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks
928
00:37:54,842 --> 00:37:56,778
or what's the point of being here?
929
00:37:56,878 --> 00:37:57,979
So, come on, man,
930
00:37:58,079 --> 00:38:00,280
get behind me when I shit for once.
931
00:38:00,380 --> 00:38:02,884
So I can what, wipe your ass?
932
00:38:02,984 --> 00:38:04,552
(SCOFFS)
933
00:38:04,652 --> 00:38:06,020
You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,
934
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:08,689
but find someone else
to take your shit.
935
00:38:09,389 --> 00:38:10,390
(DOOR CLOSES)
936
00:38:27,542 --> 00:38:31,179
BECKY: Well, well, well, here he is.
937
00:38:31,279 --> 00:38:32,980
The escape artist.
938
00:38:35,348 --> 00:38:37,652
I Sit on Your Grave.
939
00:38:37,752 --> 00:38:40,555
(CHUCKLES) Didn't we have
that movie at the video store?
940
00:38:40,655 --> 00:38:42,557
I Spit on Your Grave.
941
00:38:42,657 --> 00:38:44,457
Hicks, you spit on my grave
in a dream,
942
00:38:44,559 --> 00:38:46,093
you better wake up and apologize.
943
00:38:46,194 --> 00:38:47,394
Ah...
944
00:38:47,494 --> 00:38:49,630
- So this is a dream.
- Uh, if it is,
945
00:38:49,730 --> 00:38:52,432
then you need to learn
to dream bigger.
946
00:38:52,533 --> 00:38:53,768
I mean, really,
947
00:38:53,868 --> 00:38:55,435
this is the best that you can do?
948
00:38:56,304 --> 00:38:57,772
A cemetery?
949
00:38:57,872 --> 00:39:01,275
You can't dream us into sex...
950
00:39:01,374 --> 00:39:02,844
on the beach...
951
00:39:03,511 --> 00:39:05,746
in Hawaii?
952
00:39:05,847 --> 00:39:08,249
Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.
953
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:10,318
(GROANS)
I'm an old man.
954
00:39:10,417 --> 00:39:12,687
I'll have you know
that being dead only
955
00:39:12,787 --> 00:39:15,189
increases your sex drive.
956
00:39:15,289 --> 00:39:16,356
(LAUGHS)
957
00:39:16,456 --> 00:39:19,227
The dead live to fuck.
958
00:39:19,327 --> 00:39:21,162
So you have sex in the afterlife?
959
00:39:21,262 --> 00:39:22,697
Hell's yeah.
960
00:39:22,797 --> 00:39:24,765
There's nothing to do
in Heaven except fuck.
961
00:39:24,866 --> 00:39:27,134
(SCOFFS)
That's what makes it Heaven.
962
00:39:27,235 --> 00:39:29,537
I can't believe my wife's having sex
with dead people.
963
00:39:29,637 --> 00:39:30,872
Famous dead people.
964
00:39:30,972 --> 00:39:32,707
I'm on the celebrity circuit now.
965
00:39:32,807 --> 00:39:34,575
Bullshit. Name one famous person
you fucked in Heaven.
966
00:39:34,675 --> 00:39:36,677
One. Okay.
(SMACKS LIPS)
967
00:39:36,777 --> 00:39:40,715
I have knocked boots with
the ghost of Cleopatra, sir.
968
00:39:40,815 --> 00:39:42,950
- Oh.
- And Miles Davis
969
00:39:43,050 --> 00:39:45,686
and Frederick Douglass, together.
970
00:39:46,787 --> 00:39:48,923
- George Washington...
- What?
971
00:39:49,023 --> 00:39:50,758
- Carver.
- Oh.
972
00:39:50,858 --> 00:39:52,326
You know how much
I love peanut butter.
973
00:39:52,425 --> 00:39:54,328
True.
Who else?
974
00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:55,763
Um, Carl Sagan.
975
00:39:55,863 --> 00:39:58,065
- Oh!
- A real thinker.
976
00:39:58,165 --> 00:39:59,399
Um...
977
00:40:00,301 --> 00:40:02,270
Malcolm X.
978
00:40:02,370 --> 00:40:04,939
- Malcolm triple X.
- Oh, settle down.
979
00:40:05,039 --> 00:40:07,708
And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.
980
00:40:07,808 --> 00:40:10,144
Uh, yeah, they're famous.
981
00:40:10,711 --> 00:40:12,513
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
982
00:40:16,918 --> 00:40:18,686
You think I want this, don't you?
983
00:40:20,453 --> 00:40:22,690
You carrying the torch for me?
984
00:40:24,125 --> 00:40:26,426
I told you how I feel about
romantic love, Hicks.
985
00:40:26,527 --> 00:40:28,095
Oh, I remember.
986
00:40:28,195 --> 00:40:30,731
- You were very convincing.
- Mmm.
987
00:40:30,831 --> 00:40:32,833
Right up until the day I proposed.
988
00:40:34,969 --> 00:40:37,071
We only knew each other for, like, 15 minutes.
989
00:40:37,171 --> 00:40:40,141
You've been mourning me for, like, 15 years.
990
00:40:40,241 --> 00:40:41,441
So what do you want me to do?
991
00:40:41,542 --> 00:40:43,476
You want me to just
forget about you?
992
00:40:43,577 --> 00:40:46,013
You were all I ever dreamed about.
993
00:40:46,614 --> 00:40:47,882
Both of you.
994
00:40:49,650 --> 00:40:51,484
- (BECKY SIGHS)
- (TEARFULLY) Now...
995
00:40:52,987 --> 00:40:55,823
God, I'm so alone.
996
00:40:57,291 --> 00:40:58,326
(CRYING)
997
00:40:58,426 --> 00:40:59,894
(SOFTLY) I know.
998
00:41:01,395 --> 00:41:03,197
I know losing me and Grace...
999
00:41:04,332 --> 00:41:05,599
broke you.
1000
00:41:07,201 --> 00:41:09,537
But you don't know
how lucky you have it.
1001
00:41:09,637 --> 00:41:11,138
What?
1002
00:41:11,238 --> 00:41:14,508
The Book of Life is closed
for the two of us.
1003
00:41:14,608 --> 00:41:17,178
But you...
can still turn a page.
1004
00:41:17,278 --> 00:41:20,181
You get to keep writing
the story of your life.
1005
00:41:20,281 --> 00:41:23,184
Why bother without you?
1006
00:41:23,284 --> 00:41:26,654
Because there are more tales
to tell, Hicks.
1007
00:41:27,955 --> 00:41:30,091
As long as you're alive,
1008
00:41:30,191 --> 00:41:32,893
you can always start another chapter.
1009
00:41:34,328 --> 00:41:38,866
So live while you can,
love while you can.
1010
00:41:41,202 --> 00:41:42,503
Goddamn it.
1011
00:41:44,772 --> 00:41:46,140
Dream bigger.
1012
00:41:47,641 --> 00:41:48,976
(SNIFFLES)
1013
00:41:49,076 --> 00:41:51,746
That all sounds pretty romantic
1014
00:41:51,846 --> 00:41:54,682
coming from a girl who doesn't believe
in romantic love.
1015
00:41:54,782 --> 00:41:56,650
I don't believe in romantic love.
1016
00:41:56,751 --> 00:41:58,719
That's my girl.
1017
00:42:00,821 --> 00:42:02,289
But I do believe in you.
1018
00:42:05,659 --> 00:42:07,528
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
1019
00:42:12,433 --> 00:42:13,634
(SIGHS)
1020
00:42:16,437 --> 00:42:18,606
♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1021
00:42:31,218 --> 00:42:33,054
Hey, I wanna thank you guys
for having me here today.
1022
00:42:33,154 --> 00:42:35,890
I've always wanted to be an actor.
1023
00:42:35,990 --> 00:42:37,291
Nice.
1024
00:42:37,391 --> 00:42:41,996
I'm not even supposed to be here today!
1025
00:42:42,096 --> 00:42:43,798
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
1026
00:42:43,898 --> 00:42:45,566
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
1027
00:42:45,666 --> 00:42:48,436
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
(SOBBING)
1028
00:42:48,537 --> 00:42:50,971
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1029
00:42:51,072 --> 00:42:52,907
(STRAINED) I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
1030
00:42:53,007 --> 00:42:54,575
I'm not even supposed
1031
00:42:54,675 --> 00:42:58,079
to fucking be here
to-fucking-day, fucks.
1032
00:42:58,179 --> 00:43:01,048
Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.
1033
00:43:01,148 --> 00:43:02,783
I'm not even supposed to be here.
1034
00:43:02,883 --> 00:43:04,985
By the power of Grayskull,
1035
00:43:05,086 --> 00:43:10,658
I am not supposed to be here today!
1036
00:43:10,758 --> 00:43:12,126
Hey, I'm Joe.
1037
00:43:12,226 --> 00:43:13,861
Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,
1038
00:43:13,961 --> 00:43:16,030
and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...
1039
00:43:16,130 --> 00:43:18,132
I am not even supposed
to be here today.
1040
00:43:19,467 --> 00:43:21,168
Damn right.
1041
00:43:21,268 --> 00:43:23,471
Uh... (HUMMING)
1042
00:43:23,572 --> 00:43:25,507
Lion face. (ROARS)
1043
00:43:25,606 --> 00:43:28,175
Lemon face. (GRUNTING)
1044
00:43:28,275 --> 00:43:32,079
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
1045
00:43:32,179 --> 00:43:34,014
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
A little about me.
1046
00:43:34,115 --> 00:43:36,518
I'm known professionally
as "Boston John".
1047
00:43:36,617 --> 00:43:38,252
That's a nom de plume.
1048
00:43:38,352 --> 00:43:42,056
Uh, Robert De Niro is my fuckin'...
Lone star.
1049
00:43:42,156 --> 00:43:44,291
You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...
1050
00:43:44,391 --> 00:43:47,294
Close your eyes. Just listen.
Ready? All right?
1051
00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:49,564
(MIMICKING ROBERT DE NIRO)
I have nipples, Greg.
1052
00:43:49,663 --> 00:43:51,566
Could you milk me?
1053
00:43:51,665 --> 00:43:54,335
Fuck, that is one, bitch. All day.
1054
00:43:54,435 --> 00:43:56,505
Can you give me one like Schwarzenegger?
1055
00:43:56,605 --> 00:43:58,939
(MIMICS ARNOLD) I'm not
even supposed to be here today.
1056
00:43:59,039 --> 00:44:01,475
But can you, uh, Pacino that shit?
1057
00:44:01,576 --> 00:44:02,577
(MIMICS AL PACINO)
Ooh-ah!
1058
00:44:02,676 --> 00:44:04,245
(SHOUTS) When, Lord?
1059
00:44:04,345 --> 00:44:07,748
When will I see the goddamn sailboat?
1060
00:44:09,116 --> 00:44:12,653
That came from a real
deep personal place.
1061
00:44:12,753 --> 00:44:14,054
I have a BFA.
1062
00:44:14,155 --> 00:44:15,723
Uh, I'm a theater background actor.
1063
00:44:15,823 --> 00:44:17,725
As an actor with a theater background,
1064
00:44:17,825 --> 00:44:19,628
I was classically trained
in New York.
1065
00:44:19,727 --> 00:44:21,428
Have you actually thought
1066
00:44:21,530 --> 00:44:22,696
about going musical with this?
'Cause it could be...
1067
00:44:22,796 --> 00:44:23,898
♪ I'm not even... ♪
1068
00:44:23,998 --> 00:44:26,300
Supposed to be here.
1069
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:30,070
♪ Today ♪
1070
00:44:30,171 --> 00:44:33,007
Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!
1071
00:44:33,107 --> 00:44:35,843
Kick ball change and snap,
snap, jazz hands.
1072
00:44:35,943 --> 00:44:38,078
That is beautiful, man.
1073
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:41,048
Freddie Prinze Jr.
1074
00:44:42,750 --> 00:44:44,586
"I'll fuck anything that moves."
1075
00:44:44,685 --> 00:44:46,621
Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?
1076
00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:48,590
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1077
00:44:48,689 --> 00:44:49,957
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1078
00:44:50,057 --> 00:44:51,593
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1079
00:44:51,692 --> 00:44:52,960
That's a little bit in your face.
1080
00:44:53,060 --> 00:44:54,728
Let me try it like this, hold on.
1081
00:44:54,828 --> 00:44:56,631
Can I borrow your underpants
for about ten minutes?
1082
00:44:56,730 --> 00:44:58,299
I'll fuck anything that moves.
1083
00:44:58,399 --> 00:44:59,501
And, fool,
1084
00:44:59,601 --> 00:45:02,036
I always carry a machete.
1085
00:45:02,136 --> 00:45:05,372
I'll fuck anything that moves!
1086
00:45:05,472 --> 00:45:07,208
Sounds like the guy I buy weed from.
1087
00:45:07,308 --> 00:45:08,577
You know what this movie needs?
1088
00:45:08,677 --> 00:45:11,078
Deez. Deez nuts!
1089
00:45:11,178 --> 00:45:13,113
Can I just offer you a piece of advice?
1090
00:45:13,214 --> 00:45:14,915
You know what this script
needs right here?
1091
00:45:15,015 --> 00:45:17,619
Like an old lady
that says curse words.
1092
00:45:17,718 --> 00:45:19,453
Holy shit.
1093
00:45:19,554 --> 00:45:22,289
Who wrote this garbage?
His mother should be ashamed.
1094
00:45:22,389 --> 00:45:23,991
(INHALING)
1095
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:27,596
The fuck?
1096
00:45:27,696 --> 00:45:29,830
He's auditioning for Silent Bill.
1097
00:45:30,532 --> 00:45:32,466
(SCOFFING)
1098
00:45:32,567 --> 00:45:34,235
I don't know if you know
Sound of Music,
1099
00:45:34,335 --> 00:45:35,936
the marionettes were
the best part of that.
1100
00:45:36,036 --> 00:45:39,541
I think that's why they won Oscars.
1101
00:45:39,641 --> 00:45:41,375
It's worth thinking about
1102
00:45:41,475 --> 00:45:44,778
maybe doing the whole movie
with marionettes.
1103
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:54,689
Take your heart pills, Tin Man.
1104
00:45:54,788 --> 00:45:56,357
Hey.
1105
00:45:56,457 --> 00:45:58,192
So, how's it going with the financing?
1106
00:45:58,292 --> 00:45:59,827
You raise my money, yet?
1107
00:45:59,927 --> 00:46:01,195
If it's your money,
1108
00:46:01,295 --> 00:46:02,664
then how come I have to raise it?
1109
00:46:02,763 --> 00:46:04,298
That's Hollywood.
(CHUCKLES)
1110
00:46:04,398 --> 00:46:05,734
Did you finish reading the script?
1111
00:46:05,833 --> 00:46:06,900
Last night.
1112
00:46:07,001 --> 00:46:08,737
And? It's funny, right?
1113
00:46:08,836 --> 00:46:10,572
It's funny,
1114
00:46:10,672 --> 00:46:13,207
but it was like my entire life
flashed before my eyes.
1115
00:46:13,307 --> 00:46:15,744
My life flashed before your eyes.
1116
00:46:15,843 --> 00:46:18,212
I was glad you left some stuff out.
1117
00:46:20,314 --> 00:46:21,348
So, uh...
1118
00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:23,652
which one of these guys
gets to play me?
1119
00:46:23,752 --> 00:46:24,952
Well, the guys are too young
1120
00:46:25,052 --> 00:46:26,854
- and hot to play you.
- What the fuck?
1121
00:46:26,954 --> 00:46:29,691
And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.
1122
00:46:29,823 --> 00:46:31,058
So then, what are you gonna do?
1123
00:46:31,158 --> 00:46:33,794
I'm gonna play my part myself.
1124
00:46:41,935 --> 00:46:43,137
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
1125
00:46:43,971 --> 00:46:45,339
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
1126
00:46:45,439 --> 00:46:48,942
All right, already, we're closing.
Gee whiz!
1127
00:46:49,043 --> 00:46:52,012
Why? You're highly offending me!
1128
00:46:52,112 --> 00:46:54,649
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus.
1129
00:46:54,749 --> 00:46:56,850
I'm sorry, ma'am, we're closed.
1130
00:46:56,950 --> 00:46:58,452
It's me, Randal.
1131
00:46:58,553 --> 00:47:01,155
Huh. Cool. Blade Runner,
I like that.
1132
00:47:01,255 --> 00:47:03,390
Thanks. What's a Blade Runner?
1133
00:47:03,490 --> 00:47:05,527
Can we get back to you
acting in a movie
1134
00:47:05,627 --> 00:47:08,095
that you're directing
even though you've never acted in
1135
00:47:08,195 --> 00:47:09,664
or directed a movie before?
1136
00:47:09,764 --> 00:47:11,165
It worked for Orson Welles.
1137
00:47:11,265 --> 00:47:12,866
(SIGHS) You're not an actor.
1138
00:47:12,966 --> 00:47:14,268
Neither was Howard Stern,
1139
00:47:14,368 --> 00:47:16,236
but he acted in the movie
about his life.
1140
00:47:16,337 --> 00:47:17,605
(SCOFFS) If you call that acting.
1141
00:47:17,706 --> 00:47:19,139
You think you can do better?
1142
00:47:19,239 --> 00:47:21,375
Better than Howard Stern
did in Private Parts?
1143
00:47:21,475 --> 00:47:23,077
(CHUCKLES)
It's not a high bar.
1144
00:47:23,177 --> 00:47:25,547
Great, because you're playing Dan-T.
1145
00:47:25,647 --> 00:47:28,282
What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.
1146
00:47:28,382 --> 00:47:29,818
You're as good as any of the jokers
1147
00:47:29,917 --> 00:47:31,385
we saw at the audition.
1148
00:47:31,485 --> 00:47:33,954
Besides, if I'm gonna play me,
you gotta play you.
1149
00:47:34,054 --> 00:47:35,923
You have to do this, Mr. Dan-T.
1150
00:47:36,023 --> 00:47:37,224
DANTE: Oh, for God's sakes,
1151
00:47:37,324 --> 00:47:39,259
please stop calling me Mr. Dan-T.
1152
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:41,295
That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.
1153
00:47:41,395 --> 00:47:43,765
What is this shit, Mad Magazine?
1154
00:47:43,864 --> 00:47:46,066
Randal is playing Randal.
1155
00:47:46,166 --> 00:47:50,170
Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,
1156
00:47:50,270 --> 00:47:53,340
and Elias is playing Elias.
1157
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:54,908
ELIAS: I'm in the movie, too?
1158
00:47:55,008 --> 00:47:57,010
Yup. And as a Satanist
playing a Christian,
1159
00:47:57,111 --> 00:47:59,046
you've gotta act the most.
1160
00:47:59,146 --> 00:48:01,382
It's my very own chance...
1161
00:48:01,482 --> 00:48:02,950
to transform.
1162
00:48:03,050 --> 00:48:05,419
And transform you shall, Bumblebee.
1163
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:08,590
Soon as Mr. Dante secures
our fuckin' financing.
1164
00:48:08,690 --> 00:48:11,225
Yo, it's too bad you didn't marry
that Emma chick,
1165
00:48:11,325 --> 00:48:13,093
the one with the big clit.
1166
00:48:13,193 --> 00:48:15,496
Wasn't she like some kinda
car wash heiress or something?
1167
00:48:15,597 --> 00:48:16,798
DANTE: Can you focus?
1168
00:48:16,897 --> 00:48:18,365
Even if we do play ourselves,
1169
00:48:18,465 --> 00:48:20,167
you still got to cast
all the customer parts.
1170
00:48:20,267 --> 00:48:23,738
Why am I casting customers to say
all this stupid shit
1171
00:48:23,838 --> 00:48:25,406
when I still see the real customers
1172
00:48:25,507 --> 00:48:27,241
who said all the stupid shit
in the first place
1173
00:48:27,341 --> 00:48:29,878
come in here every day?
They can do it.
1174
00:48:29,977 --> 00:48:31,813
Oh, my God, you can't just turn
1175
00:48:31,912 --> 00:48:33,615
regular people into movie stars.
1176
00:48:33,715 --> 00:48:36,851
Noinch, noinch, noinch!
Smokin' weed.
1177
00:48:36,950 --> 00:48:38,285
Smokin' weed!
1178
00:48:38,385 --> 00:48:39,721
Pack of wraps, my good man.
1179
00:48:39,821 --> 00:48:41,121
Time to kick back,
drink some beers
1180
00:48:41,221 --> 00:48:42,590
and smoke some weed.
1181
00:48:42,690 --> 00:48:44,893
You own a whole weed store.
1182
00:48:44,992 --> 00:48:46,393
Hey, Randal, I've got an idea.
1183
00:48:46,493 --> 00:48:49,263
What if Jay and Bob play Jay and Bob?
1184
00:48:49,363 --> 00:48:52,534
Well, we can ask 'em. Yo.
1185
00:48:52,634 --> 00:48:54,968
Youse guys want to be in my movie?
1186
00:48:55,068 --> 00:48:56,871
Ooh, a pornography movie?
1187
00:48:56,970 --> 00:48:58,506
RANDAL: It's not a porno movie.
1188
00:48:58,606 --> 00:49:00,274
It's the movie we're shooting
in your store.
1189
00:49:00,374 --> 00:49:02,777
(SCOFFS) That movie?
You still ain't done?
1190
00:49:02,877 --> 00:49:04,612
We haven't even started yet.
1191
00:49:04,712 --> 00:49:08,215
I don't know. Who would
we be playing in this movie?
1192
00:49:08,315 --> 00:49:09,918
Well, it's these two characters
I kind of based
1193
00:49:10,017 --> 00:49:12,019
on you and Maggie Simpson here.
1194
00:49:12,119 --> 00:49:14,421
Check out your first scene.
1195
00:49:14,522 --> 00:49:16,457
DANTE: These guys aren't real actors.
1196
00:49:16,558 --> 00:49:18,793
But they are real fucked up
and I could work with that.
1197
00:49:18,893 --> 00:49:20,829
This doesn't sound like me at all.
1198
00:49:20,929 --> 00:49:22,262
What are you talking about?
1199
00:49:22,362 --> 00:49:24,198
All the shit in there
is all the stuff
1200
00:49:24,298 --> 00:49:26,701
I've personally heard
you say around here.
1201
00:49:26,801 --> 00:49:28,302
I do not talk like this, man.
1202
00:49:28,402 --> 00:49:30,204
Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like
1203
00:49:30,304 --> 00:49:31,940
"Snootchie Bootchies"
all the time?
1204
00:49:32,039 --> 00:49:33,575
RANDAL: I'll tell you what.
1205
00:49:33,675 --> 00:49:35,710
If you guys play yourselves
in the movie,
1206
00:49:35,810 --> 00:49:38,212
I'll let you guys be in charge
of Crafty, too.
1207
00:49:38,312 --> 00:49:40,347
So what's Crafty about?
1208
00:49:40,447 --> 00:49:43,283
Well, in addition to being
the comic relief in the movie,
1209
00:49:43,383 --> 00:49:45,753
you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.
1210
00:49:45,854 --> 00:49:47,856
Ooh, we learned about food prep
1211
00:49:47,956 --> 00:49:50,792
back when we ran
the fucking Cock Smoker.
1212
00:49:50,892 --> 00:49:52,226
Wasn't that place just a drug front?
1213
00:49:52,326 --> 00:49:54,963
(CHUCKLING)
No, we had drugs in the front
1214
00:49:55,062 --> 00:49:57,164
and drugs in the back.
1215
00:49:57,264 --> 00:49:58,499
DANTE: So if Elias is playing Elias
1216
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,367
and these dopes
are playing themselves,
1217
00:50:00,467 --> 00:50:01,970
who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?
1218
00:50:02,069 --> 00:50:03,403
Well, funny you should ask,
1219
00:50:03,505 --> 00:50:05,439
'cause earlier today
I sent the script
1220
00:50:05,540 --> 00:50:07,441
to someone who
will be absolutely...
1221
00:50:07,542 --> 00:50:09,711
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...perfect to play Veronica.
1222
00:50:09,811 --> 00:50:11,311
(DOOR OPENS)
1223
00:50:11,411 --> 00:50:14,248
Who the fuck do you people
think you are?
1224
00:50:14,348 --> 00:50:16,350
- Veronica?
- What is this filth?
1225
00:50:16,450 --> 00:50:18,820
What is this gamey, tawdry trash
1226
00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:21,823
that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?
1227
00:50:21,923 --> 00:50:23,423
RANDAL: It's just a movie I'm making
1228
00:50:23,525 --> 00:50:24,993
about my life, and I thought
1229
00:50:25,092 --> 00:50:26,628
it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.
1230
00:50:26,728 --> 00:50:27,929
Oh, you did?
1231
00:50:28,028 --> 00:50:29,363
Yeah.
1232
00:50:29,463 --> 00:50:31,331
- Then you are fucking sick!
- Hey!
1233
00:50:31,431 --> 00:50:33,735
Watch it with
my artistic expression.
1234
00:50:33,835 --> 00:50:36,571
"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.
1235
00:50:36,671 --> 00:50:37,972
It's my life.
1236
00:50:38,071 --> 00:50:40,274
Okay, everybody, calm down.
Jeez.
1237
00:50:40,374 --> 00:50:41,643
DANTE: Oh, come on,
you would have killed
1238
00:50:41,743 --> 00:50:43,176
to have been
in a film in college.
1239
00:50:43,277 --> 00:50:44,344
You majored in drama.
1240
00:50:44,444 --> 00:50:46,514
I minored in drama.
1241
00:50:46,614 --> 00:50:48,850
I majored in oral surgery.
1242
00:50:48,950 --> 00:50:50,752
All hail the queen of oral.
1243
00:50:50,852 --> 00:50:52,319
- Fuck you.
- Surgery.
1244
00:50:52,419 --> 00:50:53,888
You didn't let me finish.
1245
00:50:53,988 --> 00:50:55,857
And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,
1246
00:50:55,957 --> 00:50:57,625
not with me as a character.
1247
00:50:57,725 --> 00:51:00,494
I'm not some fucking joke
you get to tell
1248
00:51:00,595 --> 00:51:02,329
in your dirty little B movie,
1249
00:51:02,429 --> 00:51:05,499
you two-bit strip mall Soderbergh.
1250
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:08,302
I see myself more like
retail's Richard Linklater.
1251
00:51:08,402 --> 00:51:09,671
VERONICA: You want to do this?
1252
00:51:09,771 --> 00:51:12,339
Fine, but leave me out of it.
1253
00:51:12,439 --> 00:51:14,676
Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.
1254
00:51:14,776 --> 00:51:17,612
And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.
1255
00:51:21,015 --> 00:51:22,717
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
1256
00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:26,921
I... Sorry.
1257
00:51:27,021 --> 00:51:29,189
(SOBBING)
1258
00:51:29,289 --> 00:51:30,758
(DANTE SIGHS)
1259
00:51:39,199 --> 00:51:40,535
Please don't cry.
1260
00:51:40,635 --> 00:51:44,471
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
It's just been a shit day.
1261
00:51:44,572 --> 00:51:45,940
(SOBBING)
1262
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:48,475
I had two cancelations.
1263
00:51:48,576 --> 00:51:50,310
My ex calls to tell me that
1264
00:51:50,410 --> 00:51:52,647
he's not putting our daughter's car
1265
00:51:52,747 --> 00:51:54,082
on his insurance,
1266
00:51:54,181 --> 00:51:57,351
and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.
1267
00:51:59,353 --> 00:52:03,625
And then I see you
and say that shit.
1268
00:52:03,725 --> 00:52:06,426
It's okay. Really.
1269
00:52:06,527 --> 00:52:09,964
I kinda feel like...
I feel like such an asshole.
1270
00:52:10,064 --> 00:52:12,800
Hey, Ronnie.
(SNIFFLES)
1271
00:52:12,900 --> 00:52:15,069
If Randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,
1272
00:52:15,168 --> 00:52:16,571
I would've said no way.
1273
00:52:17,337 --> 00:52:19,439
But now, I'm glad he did.
1274
00:52:20,875 --> 00:52:22,409
Because it's...
1275
00:52:22,510 --> 00:52:25,813
it's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.
1276
00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:30,752
And you look great.
(SCOFFS)
1277
00:52:30,852 --> 00:52:32,720
You look way younger than I do.
1278
00:52:32,820 --> 00:52:35,222
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1279
00:52:35,322 --> 00:52:38,191
How young you think I look?
1280
00:52:38,291 --> 00:52:39,927
You don't look a day over...
1281
00:52:40,895 --> 00:52:42,830
- Thirty-seven.
- (CHUCKLING)
1282
00:52:44,565 --> 00:52:45,700
So, um...
1283
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:47,434
(SMACKS LIPS)
1284
00:52:47,535 --> 00:52:48,468
- You want to fuck?
- ♪ ("NO HOPE" BY LOUSER PLAYING) ♪
1285
00:52:48,569 --> 00:52:50,170
♪ I'm a mess ♪
1286
00:52:50,270 --> 00:52:52,140
♪ All washed out ♪
1287
00:52:52,239 --> 00:52:54,207
♪ Mostly regrets ♪
1288
00:52:54,307 --> 00:52:55,910
♪ Laced with doubts ♪
1289
00:52:56,010 --> 00:52:57,145
♪ All bruised up ♪
1290
00:52:57,244 --> 00:52:58,245
(VERONICA AND DANTE MOANING)
1291
00:52:58,345 --> 00:52:59,781
♪ I'm knocked down ♪
1292
00:52:59,881 --> 00:53:01,716
You think this means Veronica is in?
1293
00:53:01,816 --> 00:53:04,317
I think it means Dante sure is.
1294
00:53:04,418 --> 00:53:06,319
♪ No hope ♪
1295
00:53:06,420 --> 00:53:07,889
♪ No peace ♪
1296
00:53:09,222 --> 00:53:10,457
JAY: "Silent Bob,
1297
00:53:10,558 --> 00:53:13,460
"you are a rude motherfucker.
1298
00:53:13,561 --> 00:53:16,164
"But you are cute as hell."
1299
00:53:16,263 --> 00:53:17,865
(CLEARING THROAT)
1300
00:53:19,466 --> 00:53:20,768
(LOUDLY) Silent Bob!
1301
00:53:20,868 --> 00:53:24,237
You are a rrr-rude motherfucker!
1302
00:53:24,337 --> 00:53:26,206
But you're cute as hell!
1303
00:53:27,374 --> 00:53:28,643
(ELIAS SNEEZING)
1304
00:53:28,743 --> 00:53:30,444
ELIAS: I brought the cat, Randal.
1305
00:53:30,545 --> 00:53:32,345
Perfect. We don't want him
going anywhere
1306
00:53:32,446 --> 00:53:33,948
near a litter box until we're
ready to shoot.
1307
00:53:34,048 --> 00:53:35,348
So you're gonna have to hold
him all day.
1308
00:53:35,449 --> 00:53:37,384
But I'm allergic to cats.
1309
00:53:37,484 --> 00:53:39,587
You got to suffer for your art, man.
1310
00:53:39,687 --> 00:53:41,288
But it's not my art,
it's your art.
1311
00:53:41,388 --> 00:53:42,990
Shouldn't you be the one doing
the suffering?
1312
00:53:43,091 --> 00:53:44,424
I didn't suffer enough
1313
00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:45,793
when I almost died
from a heart attack,
1314
00:53:45,893 --> 00:53:47,628
which I might add was after
1315
00:53:47,729 --> 00:53:49,463
a heated exchange about kites?
1316
00:53:49,564 --> 00:53:51,331
My allergies have made me immune
1317
00:53:51,431 --> 00:53:53,266
- to your emotional blackmail.
- (DOOR OPENS)
1318
00:53:53,366 --> 00:53:54,969
(CAT PURRING)
1319
00:53:56,971 --> 00:53:58,206
Check out this acting.
1320
00:53:58,305 --> 00:54:00,041
(CLEARS THROAT)
Silent Bob,
1321
00:54:00,141 --> 00:54:02,577
you are a rrr-rude motherfucker!
1322
00:54:02,677 --> 00:54:04,779
But you're cute as hell.
1323
00:54:04,879 --> 00:54:07,715
Very natural, and subtle.
I like it.
1324
00:54:09,751 --> 00:54:12,252
So, how are you feeling today?
1325
00:54:12,352 --> 00:54:14,287
Oh, you know, I feel like that kid
1326
00:54:14,387 --> 00:54:15,823
that worked in the video store,
1327
00:54:15,923 --> 00:54:18,126
fully fluent in the language of cinema.
1328
00:54:18,226 --> 00:54:19,927
It's like I was born to direct.
1329
00:54:20,027 --> 00:54:21,929
No, bro. I mean, you had
a heart attack last month.
1330
00:54:22,029 --> 00:54:23,965
Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.
1331
00:54:24,065 --> 00:54:25,365
How do you feel today
1332
00:54:25,465 --> 00:54:27,400
after your Range Rover
sleepover last night?
1333
00:54:27,502 --> 00:54:29,937
Stop it. When I said
to be a producer,
1334
00:54:30,037 --> 00:54:32,472
I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.
1335
00:54:32,573 --> 00:54:34,142
Unwilling producer.
1336
00:54:34,242 --> 00:54:37,178
I didn't ask for this job,
but I am doing it.
1337
00:54:37,277 --> 00:54:39,514
So I have a meeting
today about money.
1338
00:54:39,614 --> 00:54:41,616
Fucking A, that's producing, J.J.
1339
00:54:41,716 --> 00:54:43,584
And I found you a cinematographer.
1340
00:54:43,684 --> 00:54:45,686
- What?
- May I present to you...
1341
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:48,556
Shooter Bob.
1342
00:54:49,824 --> 00:54:51,726
Silent Bob is gonna be our DP?
1343
00:54:51,826 --> 00:54:55,196
Shit, yeah, we all gonna be doing DPs!
1344
00:54:55,295 --> 00:54:57,064
Uh, DP is the name of the job.
1345
00:54:57,165 --> 00:54:58,298
You said it was cinematographer.
1346
00:54:58,398 --> 00:55:00,668
The cinematographer is the DP.
1347
00:55:00,768 --> 00:55:02,469
Man, don't be acting like you know
1348
00:55:02,570 --> 00:55:03,838
all the industry slang and shit.
1349
00:55:03,938 --> 00:55:05,573
Me and Silent Bob
are the only ones here
1350
00:55:05,673 --> 00:55:08,876
who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.
1351
00:55:08,976 --> 00:55:10,044
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
1352
00:55:10,812 --> 00:55:11,979
RANDAL: Come on.
1353
00:55:12,079 --> 00:55:13,981
Yes, he's an unconventional choice,
1354
00:55:14,081 --> 00:55:16,517
but you are an unconventional
filmmaker making
1355
00:55:16,617 --> 00:55:18,451
- an unconventional film.
- Yeah.
1356
00:55:18,553 --> 00:55:21,756
You want me to entrust the story
of my life to The Quiet Place.
1357
00:55:21,856 --> 00:55:23,490
He has some really nice shots
1358
00:55:23,591 --> 00:55:24,792
- on his Instagram.
- (SCOFFS)
1359
00:55:24,892 --> 00:55:26,794
Come on, give him a chance, man.
1360
00:55:26,894 --> 00:55:28,495
Maybe he speaks the language of cinema
like you do.
1361
00:55:28,596 --> 00:55:30,598
The guy never speaks at all.
1362
00:55:30,698 --> 00:55:33,466
Okay, so we just scouted in here,
1363
00:55:33,568 --> 00:55:35,402
and the colors are fucking ugly.
1364
00:55:35,503 --> 00:55:37,939
So Silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie
1365
00:55:38,039 --> 00:55:39,707
in black and white.
1366
00:55:39,807 --> 00:55:42,543
Schindler's List black and white?
What, is he nuts?
1367
00:55:42,643 --> 00:55:44,745
Uh, no, I'm a fucking filmmaker.
1368
00:55:44,846 --> 00:55:46,747
And any filmmaker worth their salt
1369
00:55:46,848 --> 00:55:48,316
would know that the colors
1370
00:55:48,415 --> 00:55:49,851
in this place are fucking ghastly.
1371
00:55:49,951 --> 00:55:51,786
The only way you could deal with them
1372
00:55:51,886 --> 00:55:53,621
is to neutralize them by going
in black and white,
1373
00:55:53,721 --> 00:55:55,556
which will also kind of act as
a commentary
1374
00:55:55,656 --> 00:55:57,992
on the soulless nature of commerce
1375
00:55:58,092 --> 00:56:01,195
while subliminally giving
the audience the impression
1376
00:56:01,295 --> 00:56:03,331
that they're watching our heroes
1377
00:56:03,430 --> 00:56:04,732
from the perspective
1378
00:56:04,832 --> 00:56:07,367
of an imaginary store security cam.
1379
00:56:08,536 --> 00:56:09,937
- That's what I was thinking.
- Mmm-hmm.
1380
00:56:10,037 --> 00:56:11,438
- That's what an artist thinks.
- Yup.
1381
00:56:11,539 --> 00:56:13,107
But, you know, it's up to you.
1382
00:56:13,207 --> 00:56:15,810
However, I'm shooting it
in black and white,
1383
00:56:15,910 --> 00:56:18,112
or I ain't shooting it
at all, motherfucker.
1384
00:56:18,212 --> 00:56:19,614
That's right.
1385
00:56:23,517 --> 00:56:25,720
- (EXHALES)
- (LINE RINGING)
1386
00:56:28,789 --> 00:56:31,292
Jesus, he looks fat.
1387
00:56:31,391 --> 00:56:33,194
You're not on mute, Emma.
1388
00:56:33,294 --> 00:56:36,496
I know. So? Hello.
1389
00:56:36,597 --> 00:56:38,266
Hi, you.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1390
00:56:38,366 --> 00:56:40,167
How's Florida?
1391
00:56:40,268 --> 00:56:41,702
Full of assholes, but at leastit's not Jersey.
1392
00:56:41,802 --> 00:56:43,304
What do you want, Dante?
1393
00:56:43,403 --> 00:56:46,641
Okay, uh, this is
gonna come out of left field,
1394
00:56:46,741 --> 00:56:51,879
but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.
1395
00:56:51,979 --> 00:56:53,014
Fuck no.
1396
00:56:53,114 --> 00:56:55,182
It's not for me.
It's for Randal.
1397
00:56:55,283 --> 00:56:57,852
Oh, then double fuck no.
1398
00:56:57,952 --> 00:56:59,587
He had a heart attack, Emma.
1399
00:56:59,687 --> 00:57:01,589
Good. I hope he dropped dead.
1400
00:57:02,189 --> 00:57:03,456
He didn't.
1401
00:57:03,557 --> 00:57:05,492
So he needs the money for, uh...
1402
00:57:05,593 --> 00:57:06,861
for the hospital bills.
1403
00:57:06,961 --> 00:57:08,495
Randal doesn't have any insurance.
1404
00:57:08,596 --> 00:57:10,164
So the fuck what?
1405
00:57:10,264 --> 00:57:12,366
Even if I wanted to help,which I don't,
1406
00:57:12,465 --> 00:57:15,269
I'm not giving Randal Gravesany free money.
1407
00:57:15,369 --> 00:57:17,038
Emma, please.
1408
00:57:17,138 --> 00:57:19,040
You and I once promised that
if we ever needed help,
1409
00:57:19,140 --> 00:57:21,509
we'd always be there for each other,
no matter what.
1410
00:57:21,609 --> 00:57:24,078
That was before you cheated on me
1411
00:57:24,178 --> 00:57:26,681
at a fucking donkey show.
1412
00:57:26,781 --> 00:57:28,115
Goodbye, Dante!
1413
00:57:28,215 --> 00:57:31,085
No, no. Wait, wait, wait.
(GROANS)
1414
00:57:31,185 --> 00:57:32,887
Please, Emma.
1415
00:57:34,221 --> 00:57:36,489
I'm desperate here.
1416
00:57:36,590 --> 00:57:38,292
Do you even have any collateral?
1417
00:57:38,392 --> 00:57:40,895
If I have to...
1418
00:57:40,995 --> 00:57:44,098
I can sign over my half of the QuickStop
as collateral.
1419
00:57:44,198 --> 00:57:45,933
That shithole? Ugh.
1420
00:57:52,974 --> 00:57:55,543
- What's all this about?
- We're making a movie.
1421
00:57:55,643 --> 00:57:58,245
No shit.
A pornography movie?
1422
00:57:58,346 --> 00:58:01,015
- How long does that take?
- Twenty-one nights.
1423
00:58:01,115 --> 00:58:03,617
It's gonna take my auteur friend
here 21 nights
1424
00:58:03,718 --> 00:58:06,153
for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.
1425
00:58:06,253 --> 00:58:07,487
In a row?
1426
00:58:08,823 --> 00:58:11,792
"In Convenience."
I don't get it.
1427
00:58:12,526 --> 00:58:14,362
Scene ten, take one!
1428
00:58:14,462 --> 00:58:16,297
♪ (OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1429
00:58:16,397 --> 00:58:17,965
Cat Wrangler!(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
1430
00:58:19,166 --> 00:58:20,868
(ELIAS WHEEZING)
1431
00:58:26,173 --> 00:58:27,208
(BODY THUDS)
1432
00:58:28,676 --> 00:58:30,611
(WHEEZING)
1433
00:58:31,645 --> 00:58:33,180
All right, let's go.
1434
00:58:34,315 --> 00:58:35,683
And...
1435
00:58:35,783 --> 00:58:37,585
action.
1436
00:58:39,987 --> 00:58:41,489
Holy shit.
1437
00:58:41,589 --> 00:58:42,990
We got poop.
1438
00:58:45,059 --> 00:58:46,927
- And action.
- (BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
1439
00:58:47,028 --> 00:58:47,828
Fuck.
1440
00:58:47,928 --> 00:58:50,097
♪ (OPERATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
1441
00:58:59,740 --> 00:59:02,076
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
1442
00:59:02,176 --> 00:59:05,046
What are you waitin' for?
Dance!
1443
00:59:05,146 --> 00:59:08,482
I ain't doing this with
all these fuckin' people watching.
1444
00:59:08,582 --> 00:59:10,117
Oh, my God.
1445
00:59:10,217 --> 00:59:11,685
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)Cut!
1446
00:59:11,786 --> 00:59:13,120
(SIGHS) The talent's
being a little bitch.
1447
00:59:13,220 --> 00:59:15,156
Can you guys wait
in the video store?
1448
00:59:15,256 --> 00:59:16,824
I'll run the camera.
1449
00:59:16,924 --> 00:59:19,326
DANTE: Unbelievable.
Really?
1450
00:59:26,934 --> 00:59:29,203
There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.
1451
00:59:29,303 --> 00:59:32,073
So fucking dance, man.
1452
00:59:32,173 --> 00:59:33,908
You fucking dance.
1453
00:59:34,008 --> 00:59:35,976
- Bitch.
- RANDAL: And...
1454
00:59:36,077 --> 00:59:37,678
action.
1455
00:59:51,425 --> 00:59:53,427
What the fuck, JoJo Siwa?
1456
00:59:53,528 --> 00:59:55,930
Look at this fucking guy looking at us!
1457
00:59:56,030 --> 00:59:59,534
He's not even paying attention.
Gee whiz.
1458
00:59:59,633 --> 01:00:02,136
You have to go inside, too, cuck.
1459
01:00:02,236 --> 01:00:04,738
Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?
1460
01:00:04,839 --> 01:00:06,373
Push the button and walk away.
1461
01:00:06,474 --> 01:00:08,543
Oh, my God.
1462
01:00:08,642 --> 01:00:11,378
- (CAMERA BEEPS)
- All right.
1463
01:00:22,356 --> 01:00:23,724
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)Action.
1464
01:00:23,824 --> 01:00:25,226
I guess.
1465
01:00:33,535 --> 01:00:36,070
♪ ("FIND YOUR WAY BACK" BY
JEFFERSON STARSHIP PLAYING) ♪
1466
01:01:03,697 --> 01:01:07,602
♪ You know, it's beenA long, long road ♪
1467
01:01:07,701 --> 01:01:10,471
♪ Since I packed up and leftOn my own... ♪
1468
01:01:10,572 --> 01:01:12,206
All right, now, hold on to
the counter.
1469
01:01:12,306 --> 01:01:14,341
I'm going to pull, okay?
Here we go.
1470
01:01:14,441 --> 01:01:15,943
Ah...
1471
01:01:16,043 --> 01:01:18,746
♪ Just tryingTo get back to her heart ♪
1472
01:01:22,883 --> 01:01:24,418
(GRUNTS)Action.
1473
01:01:35,162 --> 01:01:38,232
We need some tits and ass, yeah!
1474
01:01:38,332 --> 01:01:40,635
♪ I sure ain't got no home... ♪
1475
01:01:40,734 --> 01:01:42,403
And cut.
1476
01:01:42,504 --> 01:01:44,405
Ha-ha. (GRUNTS)
1477
01:01:45,272 --> 01:01:46,407
(WHISTLES)
1478
01:01:46,508 --> 01:01:48,475
Nice job, nice work.
1479
01:01:48,577 --> 01:01:50,010
Um...
1480
01:01:50,110 --> 01:01:51,178
All right, we're doing the same shot
1481
01:01:51,278 --> 01:01:53,080
just over to this door.
1482
01:01:53,180 --> 01:01:56,417
...sound here.
Let's get the sticks over there.
1483
01:01:56,518 --> 01:01:57,785
Elias, you with us?
1484
01:01:57,885 --> 01:01:59,220
Okay, we're doing the same thing.
1485
01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:00,721
We're just, kind of,
coming over here.
1486
01:02:00,821 --> 01:02:01,989
We're gonna stay on the same...
1487
01:02:02,089 --> 01:02:03,490
♪ Find your way back... ♪
1488
01:02:05,926 --> 01:02:08,162
And... action.
1489
01:02:08,262 --> 01:02:12,634
You know, there are a million fines
in the world, dude.
1490
01:02:12,733 --> 01:02:14,935
RANDAL: "Millions of fines"?
What the hell, man?
1491
01:02:15,035 --> 01:02:16,538
That's not the line.
1492
01:02:16,638 --> 01:02:18,939
"There's a million
fine-looking women
1493
01:02:19,039 --> 01:02:20,874
"in the world, dude."
1494
01:02:20,975 --> 01:02:25,079
There are a billion behinds
in this world, dude!
1495
01:02:25,179 --> 01:02:28,249
- Whoo!
- Not "billions of behinds."
1496
01:02:28,349 --> 01:02:31,185
"A million fine-looking women."
1497
01:02:31,285 --> 01:02:35,222
You know, they're killing swines
in the world, dude.
1498
01:02:35,322 --> 01:02:37,891
Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!
1499
01:02:37,992 --> 01:02:40,094
I will do it myself.
1500
01:02:40,662 --> 01:02:42,863
Ahem!
1501
01:02:42,963 --> 01:02:44,733
You know, there's a million
fine-looking women
1502
01:02:44,832 --> 01:02:46,433
in the world, dude,
1503
01:02:46,534 --> 01:02:48,802
but they don't all bring you
lasagna at work.
1504
01:02:48,902 --> 01:02:50,739
Most of them just cheat on you.
1505
01:02:50,838 --> 01:02:53,608
You All About Eve-ining fuck.
Well?
1506
01:02:53,708 --> 01:02:56,410
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be a bumpy night.
1507
01:02:56,511 --> 01:02:58,747
RANDAL: So that's it.
He doesn't love you anymore.
1508
01:02:58,846 --> 01:03:00,281
He loves Caitlin.
1509
01:03:00,381 --> 01:03:02,950
- And he told you all this?
- Pretty much.
1510
01:03:03,050 --> 01:03:05,085
All except the latent
homosexuality but...
1511
01:03:05,185 --> 01:03:06,588
What the fuck, man?
1512
01:03:06,688 --> 01:03:08,856
We're making a movie here. Ew!
1513
01:03:08,956 --> 01:03:11,892
RANDAL: It's nothing compared to how
my cousin Walter died.
1514
01:03:11,992 --> 01:03:14,529
- DANTE: How'd he die?
- RANDAL: He broke his neck.
1515
01:03:14,629 --> 01:03:16,230
That's embarrassing?
1516
01:03:16,330 --> 01:03:18,465
He broke his neck trying
to suck his own dick.
1517
01:03:18,566 --> 01:03:19,867
JAY: Holy shit, man.
1518
01:03:19,967 --> 01:03:22,236
- Is that shit true?
- RANDAL: Are you nuts?
1519
01:03:22,336 --> 01:03:23,170
Shut the fuck up.
1520
01:03:23,270 --> 01:03:24,805
We're shooting a scene here.
1521
01:03:24,905 --> 01:03:27,241
♪ ("FIND YOUR WAY BACK" CONTINUES) ♪
1522
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:43,257
♪ I know it's too late now ♪
1523
01:03:43,357 --> 01:03:47,696
♪ But I wish I couldGo back in time ♪
1524
01:03:47,796 --> 01:03:51,498
♪ And start all over somehow ♪
1525
01:03:51,599 --> 01:03:55,135
♪ And get it rightFrom the start ♪
1526
01:03:55,235 --> 01:03:57,371
♪ Find your way back ♪
1527
01:03:59,139 --> 01:04:01,942
♪ Find your way backTo her heart ♪
1528
01:04:03,043 --> 01:04:04,579
♪ Find your way back ♪
1529
01:04:04,679 --> 01:04:06,313
Uh, what the hell is this?
1530
01:04:06,413 --> 01:04:08,082
The story needs a little action
1531
01:04:08,182 --> 01:04:09,517
so I added a scene where Cohee
1532
01:04:09,617 --> 01:04:11,820
comes in to rob the place
at the end.
1533
01:04:11,919 --> 01:04:13,521
And in the process, you get shot.
1534
01:04:13,621 --> 01:04:16,591
No way. I'm not letting you
kill me off in the third act.
1535
01:04:16,691 --> 01:04:17,958
What if there's a sequel?
1536
01:04:18,058 --> 01:04:20,494
A sequel?
What am I? A hack?
1537
01:04:20,595 --> 01:04:24,932
Cohee, producer says
I gotta cut your scene, man.
1538
01:04:25,032 --> 01:04:27,034
Yo, I'm still pay or play, right?
1539
01:04:27,134 --> 01:04:29,604
Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?
1540
01:04:29,704 --> 01:04:31,438
I've been reading the paper
my whole life
1541
01:04:31,539 --> 01:04:33,140
and the only time
I've seen my name in it
1542
01:04:33,240 --> 01:04:34,609
was under the headline,
1543
01:04:34,709 --> 01:04:37,244
"Local grocer has massive heart attack."
1544
01:04:37,344 --> 01:04:40,914
So I thought in your
official capacity as producer,
1545
01:04:41,014 --> 01:04:42,916
maybe you can get
a cub reporter over here
1546
01:04:43,016 --> 01:04:45,754
to do a story about your director
in action.
1547
01:04:45,854 --> 01:04:47,221
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1548
01:04:48,922 --> 01:04:50,825
JAY: "I assure you we're open."
1549
01:04:50,924 --> 01:04:52,560
I don't get it.
1550
01:04:52,660 --> 01:04:54,629
Some savages are always sticking
gum in the locks,
1551
01:04:54,729 --> 01:04:57,030
so I wrote it into the script
to be the reason
1552
01:04:57,131 --> 01:04:58,566
the shutters are closed all day.
1553
01:04:58,666 --> 01:05:00,033
That way, we can shoot at night
1554
01:05:00,134 --> 01:05:01,569
and pretend it's day out.
1555
01:05:01,669 --> 01:05:04,572
I fucking hate how fake Hollywood is.
1556
01:05:04,672 --> 01:05:07,642
RANDAL: I don't appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.
1557
01:05:07,742 --> 01:05:09,276
- I beg your pardon.
- Your ruse.
1558
01:05:09,376 --> 01:05:11,813
Your cunning attempt to trick me.
1559
01:05:11,912 --> 01:05:13,914
This is the last time I rent here!
1560
01:05:14,014 --> 01:05:15,916
You will be missed.
1561
01:05:16,016 --> 01:05:17,451
Screw you!
1562
01:05:19,754 --> 01:05:22,456
You're not allowed
to rent here anymore!
1563
01:05:22,557 --> 01:05:23,658
JAY: Yeah!
1564
01:05:23,758 --> 01:05:25,092
RANDAL: And cut.
1565
01:05:29,196 --> 01:05:30,799
- (WOMAN EXHALES)
- RANDAL: Nice work.
1566
01:05:30,899 --> 01:05:32,166
Nice work.
1567
01:05:32,266 --> 01:05:34,168
Okay, now just give me ten minutes
1568
01:05:34,268 --> 01:05:36,270
and then I'll be ready to do mine.
1569
01:05:36,370 --> 01:05:37,438
Your what?
1570
01:05:38,005 --> 01:05:40,474
Wah, Ricky!
1571
01:05:40,575 --> 01:05:43,678
(CRYING) This is
the last time I rent here!
1572
01:05:43,778 --> 01:05:47,715
(WAILING)
1573
01:05:47,816 --> 01:05:49,818
I don't get it.
1574
01:05:49,918 --> 01:05:53,020
She wanted to do one as Lucy.
1575
01:05:53,120 --> 01:05:54,823
Empire had the better ending.
1576
01:05:54,923 --> 01:05:56,223
I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off,
1577
01:05:56,323 --> 01:05:57,859
finds out Vader's his father.
1578
01:05:57,991 --> 01:05:59,326
Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.
1579
01:05:59,426 --> 01:06:01,161
It ends on such a down note.
1580
01:06:01,261 --> 01:06:03,731
- Cut.
- What? What happened?
1581
01:06:03,832 --> 01:06:05,032
RANDAL: "Han gets frozen
1582
01:06:05,132 --> 01:06:07,334
"and taken away by Boba Fett."
1583
01:06:07,434 --> 01:06:08,469
I said that.
1584
01:06:08,570 --> 01:06:10,170
No, you said, "Han gets frozen,
1585
01:06:10,270 --> 01:06:11,773
"taken away by Boba Fett."
1586
01:06:11,873 --> 01:06:12,841
You left out the "and."
1587
01:06:12,941 --> 01:06:14,174
Do I come in now, Randal?
1588
01:06:14,274 --> 01:06:16,678
Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.
1589
01:06:16,778 --> 01:06:19,012
You can blame Dante for ad-libbing
all over my movie
1590
01:06:19,112 --> 01:06:20,380
like he's Seth fucking Rogan.
1591
01:06:20,481 --> 01:06:22,382
Oh, my God, I left out one word.
1592
01:06:22,483 --> 01:06:24,351
Every word is sacred to the writer.
1593
01:06:24,451 --> 01:06:26,186
DANTE: This isn't writing.
1594
01:06:26,286 --> 01:06:27,589
It's a bunch of shit that happened
for real in my life.
1595
01:06:27,689 --> 01:06:28,923
My life.
1596
01:06:29,022 --> 01:06:30,324
Do I come in now, Randal?
1597
01:06:30,424 --> 01:06:32,292
Not yet, Thomas.
Back.
1598
01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:35,062
Oh, man, Thomas fucked up again?
1599
01:06:35,162 --> 01:06:36,831
Stop fucking shit up, Thomas.
1600
01:06:36,931 --> 01:06:40,267
Hey, fuck-o. What'd you say
to my father?
1601
01:06:40,367 --> 01:06:41,569
How about I fuck your shit up,
1602
01:06:41,669 --> 01:06:42,670
you fucking fuck hole motherfucker!
1603
01:06:42,770 --> 01:06:44,404
Shooter Bob!
1604
01:06:45,405 --> 01:06:47,107
That is the Jersey-iest thing
1605
01:06:47,207 --> 01:06:50,143
I've ever heard or seen
in my life. (LAUGHS)
1606
01:06:50,244 --> 01:06:52,446
And action.
1607
01:06:52,547 --> 01:06:53,581
(SQUELCHES)
1608
01:06:53,681 --> 01:06:55,115
That's your lung.
1609
01:06:55,215 --> 01:06:57,752
By this time,
your lung looks like this.
1610
01:06:59,052 --> 01:07:00,989
So why don't you put
the cigarettes back
1611
01:07:01,088 --> 01:07:02,824
and try some gum instead?
1612
01:07:02,924 --> 01:07:05,492
Here, Chewlies gum, try this.
1613
01:07:05,593 --> 01:07:07,695
Oh, my God, that reeks!
1614
01:07:07,795 --> 01:07:09,463
God!
What is that?
1615
01:07:09,564 --> 01:07:11,866
What happened to the model
of the lung I gave ya?
1616
01:07:11,966 --> 01:07:13,267
I'm a method actor.
1617
01:07:13,367 --> 01:07:14,602
I ditched the model lung
1618
01:07:14,702 --> 01:07:16,336
for this tripe I got at Foodtown.
1619
01:07:16,436 --> 01:07:19,306
Jesus.
I used my power of stagecraft
1620
01:07:19,406 --> 01:07:22,175
to see that stomach as a lung.
It's method!
1621
01:07:22,276 --> 01:07:24,177
MAN: And you're Dante Hicks.
1622
01:07:24,278 --> 01:07:26,915
We went to the same school.
You played hockey.
1623
01:07:27,015 --> 01:07:28,315
Yeah. How'd you know that?
1624
01:07:28,415 --> 01:07:29,984
You still going out with her?
1625
01:07:30,083 --> 01:07:31,285
No, she's getting married.
1626
01:07:31,385 --> 01:07:33,021
- To you?
- No.
1627
01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:34,923
To an Asian design major.
1628
01:07:35,023 --> 01:07:36,591
MAN: What is...
You know what?
1629
01:07:36,691 --> 01:07:40,028
Cut, cut, cut! I can't abide
by this racist shit.
1630
01:07:40,127 --> 01:07:42,396
Racist? How the hell is it racist?
1631
01:07:42,496 --> 01:07:44,464
Just look at all this fucking
lack of diversity.
1632
01:07:44,566 --> 01:07:48,903
And calling some guy
an Asian design major
1633
01:07:49,003 --> 01:07:50,638
just feels racist.
1634
01:07:50,738 --> 01:07:54,876
That's not racist. The guy
literally majored in Asian design.
1635
01:07:54,976 --> 01:07:56,778
Are you sure?
1636
01:07:56,878 --> 01:07:59,413
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian student
who was also a design major?
1637
01:07:59,514 --> 01:08:03,551
He was a passionate student
of Asian design.
1638
01:08:03,651 --> 01:08:07,354
It just so happens he himself
was coincidentally Asian.
1639
01:08:07,454 --> 01:08:08,723
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
1640
01:08:10,390 --> 01:08:11,893
Take it easy, man.
1641
01:08:11,993 --> 01:08:13,728
(CASH REGISTER BEEPS)
1642
01:08:13,828 --> 01:08:16,129
So, uh, where are we gonna shoot
the donkey show scene?
1643
01:08:16,229 --> 01:08:18,098
Where it happened.
Mooby's.
1644
01:08:18,198 --> 01:08:19,567
- Our Mooby's?
- Yeah.
1645
01:08:19,667 --> 01:08:21,435
How are we supposed to get in?
1646
01:08:21,536 --> 01:08:24,271
I got the locations department
working on it.
1647
01:08:24,371 --> 01:08:27,240
EMPLOYEE: (GRUNTS)
It's stuck in my hair.
1648
01:08:27,341 --> 01:08:29,844
Shit. Can you get it?
1649
01:08:29,944 --> 01:08:33,447
Ugh. I hate wearing
the Mooby suit, man.
1650
01:08:33,548 --> 01:08:35,750
♪ ("SALLY WALK" BY IMINIKON PLAYING) ♪
1651
01:08:40,521 --> 01:08:43,524
♪ I'm just trying to seeMiss Sally walk ♪
1652
01:08:43,625 --> 01:08:46,460
♪ In a simple baddestOn the block ♪
1653
01:08:46,561 --> 01:08:49,631
♪ I just wanna seeMiss Sally Double Dutch ♪
1654
01:08:49,731 --> 01:08:51,866
♪ I just wanna seeMiss Sally fuck it up ♪
1655
01:08:51,966 --> 01:08:53,367
♪ Fuck it up ♪
1656
01:08:53,467 --> 01:08:56,203
♪ Eenie-meenie-miney-mo ♪
1657
01:08:56,303 --> 01:08:58,372
♪ Yo girl say she tryna go ♪
1658
01:08:58,472 --> 01:08:59,674
♪ Red light, green light ♪
1659
01:08:59,774 --> 01:09:01,509
♪ Now you can't find yo ho ♪
1660
01:09:01,609 --> 01:09:02,877
♪ Freeze tag, this froze ♪
1661
01:09:02,977 --> 01:09:04,746
♪ Took her to the jewelry store ♪
1662
01:09:04,846 --> 01:09:07,048
♪ Miss Sally walkA-walkin' down the street ♪
1663
01:09:07,147 --> 01:09:10,150
♪ Miss Sally walkA-walkin' down the street ♪
1664
01:09:10,250 --> 01:09:12,086
♪ Miss Sally walk... ♪
1665
01:09:12,185 --> 01:09:14,254
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
1666
01:09:14,354 --> 01:09:16,323
♪ I just wanna seeMiss Sally walk ♪
1667
01:09:16,423 --> 01:09:19,694
♪ Miss Sally walkA-walkin' down the street ♪
1668
01:09:19,794 --> 01:09:21,696
♪ Miss Sally walkA-walkin' down the street ♪
1669
01:09:21,796 --> 01:09:23,497
(DONKEY BRAYING)
1670
01:09:23,598 --> 01:09:26,366
♪ I just wanna seeMiss Sally walk ♪
1671
01:09:26,466 --> 01:09:29,103
♪ I just wanna seeMiss Sally walk ♪
1672
01:09:29,202 --> 01:09:31,438
(TRAIN HORN TOOTING)
1673
01:09:35,810 --> 01:09:36,811
No.
1674
01:09:38,846 --> 01:09:41,582
- No what?
- No, I... I can't go inside.
1675
01:09:41,683 --> 01:09:43,183
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Of course, you can.
1676
01:09:43,283 --> 01:09:45,019
Becks, I can't.
1677
01:09:45,119 --> 01:09:48,556
We had the best times of our lives
in that place.
1678
01:09:48,656 --> 01:09:51,324
Until one of our lives ended.
1679
01:09:51,425 --> 01:09:53,293
(SIGHS) It's just
a building, Hicks.
1680
01:09:53,393 --> 01:09:56,731
It's just a building I haven't
been inside since...
1681
01:09:58,900 --> 01:10:00,233
(TEARFULLY) Since you...
1682
01:10:00,333 --> 01:10:02,670
I know. I'm sorry.
1683
01:10:02,770 --> 01:10:04,304
(WHIMPERING)
1684
01:10:04,404 --> 01:10:05,907
Just turn the page.
1685
01:10:07,008 --> 01:10:08,475
You can do this, babes.
1686
01:10:09,209 --> 01:10:11,546
No. (WHIMPERING)
1687
01:10:12,146 --> 01:10:13,313
Don't go.
1688
01:10:27,327 --> 01:10:29,063
(SIGHING)
1689
01:10:29,163 --> 01:10:31,132
Uh, Randal.
This is Lisa
1690
01:10:31,231 --> 01:10:34,135
and her daughter...
Lisa.
1691
01:10:34,234 --> 01:10:35,703
Uh, Lisa goes to high school
1692
01:10:35,803 --> 01:10:37,805
- at Henry Hudson Regional.
- Oh.
1693
01:10:37,905 --> 01:10:41,075
And this is my husband, Lando,
who can go straight to hell.
1694
01:10:41,175 --> 01:10:42,510
I'm so mad at you.
1695
01:10:42,610 --> 01:10:44,478
Don't say a damn word
the whole night.
1696
01:10:44,579 --> 01:10:47,115
- Don't even think words!
- RANDAL: Uh...
1697
01:10:47,215 --> 01:10:48,516
We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute
1698
01:10:48,616 --> 01:10:49,917
so I gotta chase you guys
1699
01:10:50,017 --> 01:10:51,384
- out of here.
- LISA: Oh, okay, my bad.
1700
01:10:51,485 --> 01:10:52,787
I guess you don't want press
1701
01:10:52,887 --> 01:10:53,955
for your little YouTube video, then.
1702
01:10:54,055 --> 01:10:55,189
Did you say press?
1703
01:10:55,288 --> 01:10:56,624
ELIAS: Mr. Dante asked them
1704
01:10:56,724 --> 01:10:58,059
to come here to cover the shoot.
1705
01:10:58,159 --> 01:11:00,194
So you're saying little Lisa is...
1706
01:11:00,293 --> 01:11:02,764
Ah! High School Lisa.
1707
01:11:02,864 --> 01:11:04,364
Don't call her little Lisa
1708
01:11:04,464 --> 01:11:06,000
and you better not call me big Lisa.
1709
01:11:06,100 --> 01:11:09,704
High School Lisa writes for
the high school newspaper?
1710
01:11:09,804 --> 01:11:11,906
And her parents are the chaperones.
1711
01:11:12,006 --> 01:11:13,541
Fucking great.
1712
01:11:13,641 --> 01:11:14,876
LISA: Even though one parent
just came out
1713
01:11:14,976 --> 01:11:16,544
of the strip club tonight
1714
01:11:16,644 --> 01:11:19,647
spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.
1715
01:11:21,816 --> 01:11:24,317
Hey! The producer's on set.
1716
01:11:24,417 --> 01:11:27,789
So lights! Camera!
1717
01:11:27,889 --> 01:11:29,422
Action! (CHUCKLES)
1718
01:11:29,524 --> 01:11:31,192
He looks drunk.
1719
01:11:31,291 --> 01:11:33,493
He looks like he needs a piece
of butter and bread.
1720
01:11:36,631 --> 01:11:38,232
Ooh, it's cold in here.
1721
01:11:38,331 --> 01:11:40,300
Cough cold... Hey!
1722
01:11:40,400 --> 01:11:41,803
All right, look,
1723
01:11:41,903 --> 01:11:44,304
I realize going to Mooby's
might have hit you hard
1724
01:11:44,404 --> 01:11:45,740
but you just take off?
1725
01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:48,109
We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!
1726
01:11:48,209 --> 01:11:49,376
Oh, big deal.
1727
01:11:49,476 --> 01:11:51,179
What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?
1728
01:11:51,279 --> 01:11:55,049
Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.
1729
01:11:55,149 --> 01:11:56,651
Myself?
Okay.
1730
01:11:56,751 --> 01:11:58,418
We're gonna shoot this scene
1731
01:11:58,519 --> 01:12:00,254
because the kid
from the high school newspaper
1732
01:12:00,353 --> 01:12:01,923
and her mom are waiting.
1733
01:12:02,023 --> 01:12:04,391
Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.
1734
01:12:04,491 --> 01:12:06,227
But since you showed up here
shit-faced
1735
01:12:06,326 --> 01:12:08,963
and ruined tonight before we even had
a chance to roll,
1736
01:12:09,063 --> 01:12:11,464
we're gonna re-shoot this tomorrow.
1737
01:12:11,566 --> 01:12:14,334
So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler
1738
01:12:14,434 --> 01:12:15,736
and let's pretend for a minute
1739
01:12:15,837 --> 01:12:18,272
you've actually been helpful
on my movie,
1740
01:12:18,371 --> 01:12:19,640
which is, like, the only thing
1741
01:12:19,740 --> 01:12:21,576
I ever asked you to do for me
1742
01:12:21,676 --> 01:12:23,611
and only after I almost dropped dead
1743
01:12:23,711 --> 01:12:26,314
from a fucking heart attack.
1744
01:12:26,413 --> 01:12:28,749
You're fucking unbelievable, man.
1745
01:12:28,850 --> 01:12:30,117
Come on!
1746
01:12:31,451 --> 01:12:33,420
(DOOR OPENS)
1747
01:12:33,521 --> 01:12:35,823
- (SIGHS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
1748
01:12:38,559 --> 01:12:39,760
(WHISPERS) What...
1749
01:12:41,629 --> 01:12:43,463
In Convenience.
1750
01:12:43,564 --> 01:12:45,032
(SOFTLY) Stupid title.
1751
01:12:45,132 --> 01:12:47,935
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Scene 137. Take one.
1752
01:12:48,035 --> 01:12:49,937
Are they shooting this
in black and white?
1753
01:12:50,037 --> 01:12:52,640
I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.
1754
01:12:52,740 --> 01:12:54,942
RANDAL: And action.
1755
01:12:55,042 --> 01:12:57,812
(MIMICKING JAWS THEME MUSIC)♪ Da-dum, da-dum... ♪
1756
01:12:57,912 --> 01:12:59,780
♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum ♪
1757
01:12:59,881 --> 01:13:02,183
♪ Da-dum, da-dumDa-dum, dadum... ♪
1758
01:13:02,283 --> 01:13:04,252
Salsa shark!
1759
01:13:04,352 --> 01:13:05,853
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
1760
01:13:07,655 --> 01:13:10,825
Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.
1761
01:13:10,925 --> 01:13:13,728
Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.
1762
01:13:15,495 --> 01:13:17,164
Oh, what?
What's with you, man?
1763
01:13:17,265 --> 01:13:19,200
You haven't said anything
in, like, 20 minutes.
1764
01:13:19,300 --> 01:13:20,868
What the hell's your problem?
1765
01:13:20,968 --> 01:13:22,169
This life.
1766
01:13:22,270 --> 01:13:24,437
This life?
1767
01:13:24,538 --> 01:13:27,174
I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,
1768
01:13:27,275 --> 01:13:31,245
dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.
1769
01:13:31,345 --> 01:13:33,281
I smell like shoe polish,
1770
01:13:33,381 --> 01:13:35,783
and my girlfriend sucked 36 dicks.
1771
01:13:35,883 --> 01:13:37,218
- Thirty-seven.
- LISA: Oh!
1772
01:13:37,318 --> 01:13:38,786
Cover your ears, baby girl.
1773
01:13:38,886 --> 01:13:40,554
Why the fuck are they
cursing like that?
1774
01:13:40,655 --> 01:13:42,823
You need to shit
or get off the pot.
1775
01:13:42,924 --> 01:13:44,592
What the hell are you talking about?
1776
01:13:44,692 --> 01:13:46,127
I'm talking about
this thing you have,
1777
01:13:46,227 --> 01:13:48,729
this inability to improve
your station in life.
1778
01:13:48,829 --> 01:13:49,897
Fuck you.
1779
01:13:49,997 --> 01:13:51,399
It's true, man.
1780
01:13:51,498 --> 01:13:53,801
You sit there and blame life
for dealin' ya a cruddy hand,
1781
01:13:53,901 --> 01:13:55,736
never once accepting responsibility
1782
01:13:55,836 --> 01:13:57,672
for the way your situation is.
1783
01:13:57,772 --> 01:13:59,874
You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.
1784
01:13:59,974 --> 01:14:01,642
It's because you're comfortable, right?
1785
01:14:01,742 --> 01:14:03,077
This is the life of convenience for you
1786
01:14:03,177 --> 01:14:05,112
and any attempt to change it
would shatter
1787
01:14:05,212 --> 01:14:07,480
the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned for yourself.
1788
01:14:07,581 --> 01:14:08,916
What?
1789
01:14:09,016 --> 01:14:10,584
Man, if you weren't such
a fucking coward.
1790
01:14:10,685 --> 01:14:13,020
(SHOUTS) Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?
1791
01:14:14,487 --> 01:14:16,691
That's not the line, man.
1792
01:14:16,791 --> 01:14:18,526
- What are you doing?
- My whole life
1793
01:14:18,626 --> 01:14:20,962
you've been running your mouth
a million miles an hour
1794
01:14:21,062 --> 01:14:23,064
and saying absolutely nothing!
1795
01:14:23,164 --> 01:14:24,598
(SCOFFS)
1796
01:14:24,699 --> 01:14:26,000
I gotta listen to you talk shit
1797
01:14:26,100 --> 01:14:28,202
about everybody and everything
you think
1798
01:14:28,302 --> 01:14:31,272
as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!
1799
01:14:31,372 --> 01:14:33,607
Nobody fuckin' cares.
1800
01:14:33,708 --> 01:14:35,109
Oh, real nice, pal.
1801
01:14:35,209 --> 01:14:36,744
Get me all worked up
because it's not like
1802
01:14:36,844 --> 01:14:38,212
I had a heart attack and almost...
1803
01:14:38,312 --> 01:14:41,916
Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!
1804
01:14:42,016 --> 01:14:44,685
"Did I not mention that
a couple of thousand times yet?"
1805
01:14:44,785 --> 01:14:47,688
- Fuck you.
- "Hey, everybody, look at me.
1806
01:14:47,788 --> 01:14:49,223
"I'm the boy who lived."
1807
01:14:49,323 --> 01:14:50,424
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
1808
01:14:50,524 --> 01:14:52,159
"So I gotta make a movie
1809
01:14:52,259 --> 01:14:54,295
"all about what
a relentless fucking asshole I am
1810
01:14:54,395 --> 01:14:55,730
"to everybody I ever met,
1811
01:14:55,830 --> 01:14:58,199
"especially my so-called fucking friends."
1812
01:14:58,299 --> 01:15:00,001
Oh, we're not friends anymore, man.
1813
01:15:00,101 --> 01:15:01,635
You can fucking believe that shit.
1814
01:15:01,736 --> 01:15:02,937
- (LAUGHS) Oh, good!
- Yeah.
1815
01:15:03,037 --> 01:15:04,972
Because if we're not friends,
1816
01:15:05,072 --> 01:15:07,775
I don't have to worry anymore
what the cold, hard truth
1817
01:15:07,875 --> 01:15:09,844
might do to your poor, wittle heart!
1818
01:15:09,944 --> 01:15:12,580
Oh, don't worry about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.
1819
01:15:12,680 --> 01:15:13,848
So since I can be completely
1820
01:15:13,948 --> 01:15:15,349
- honest with you?
- Oh, please,
1821
01:15:15,449 --> 01:15:17,118
be completely honest.
1822
01:15:17,218 --> 01:15:18,919
(SCOFFS)
1823
01:15:19,020 --> 01:15:21,822
You think you deserve a movie?
1824
01:15:21,922 --> 01:15:23,224
Yeah.
1825
01:15:23,324 --> 01:15:26,761
What did you ever do in life
but watch it
1826
01:15:26,861 --> 01:15:28,496
- and mock it?
- (SCOFFS)
1827
01:15:28,596 --> 01:15:30,998
What have you ever fucking done?
1828
01:15:31,098 --> 01:15:32,666
I had a life.
1829
01:15:34,235 --> 01:15:36,637
I was this close to happily ever after
1830
01:15:36,737 --> 01:15:40,307
and then, one drunk driver later...
1831
01:15:41,642 --> 01:15:43,010
my movie's over.
1832
01:15:43,911 --> 01:15:44,979
Forever.
1833
01:15:46,547 --> 01:15:48,215
No happy ending,
1834
01:15:48,315 --> 01:15:50,117
no sequel.
1835
01:15:50,217 --> 01:15:52,253
Not even a third fucking act,
1836
01:15:52,353 --> 01:15:55,623
just, "Fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,
1837
01:15:55,723 --> 01:15:58,926
"fuck you!" Credits.
1838
01:16:00,661 --> 01:16:01,996
(SNIFFLES)
But, hey...
1839
01:16:02,997 --> 01:16:05,399
What's that compared
to a heart attack?
1840
01:16:05,499 --> 01:16:07,668
I mean, shit!
1841
01:16:07,768 --> 01:16:10,204
You could have almost died, right?
1842
01:16:10,304 --> 01:16:11,672
Yeah.
1843
01:16:11,772 --> 01:16:13,741
Well, some of us did die.
1844
01:16:16,277 --> 01:16:19,313
Some of us have been dead inside
ever since.
1845
01:16:19,413 --> 01:16:22,950
But then, just when I'm able to walk
into this place
1846
01:16:23,050 --> 01:16:27,188
without wanting to kill myself every day,
you have an idea.
1847
01:16:28,322 --> 01:16:30,291
You wanna make a movie
about your life.
1848
01:16:30,391 --> 01:16:33,327
Oh, and you... you've been
very clear about that.
1849
01:16:34,295 --> 01:16:35,696
It's your life!
1850
01:16:37,198 --> 01:16:40,468
Well, get this, you self-centered,
1851
01:16:40,569 --> 01:16:41,902
gaping wound of a human being
1852
01:16:42,002 --> 01:16:44,338
with your insatiable fucking ego!
1853
01:16:44,438 --> 01:16:46,207
(SCOFFS) The fuck?
1854
01:16:46,307 --> 01:16:47,641
Your life...
1855
01:16:48,676 --> 01:16:50,177
is my life!
1856
01:16:51,513 --> 01:16:54,949
I've been there with you
the whole time!
1857
01:16:57,218 --> 01:17:00,688
And since you know
how hard that life's been on me,
1858
01:17:01,590 --> 01:17:04,058
did it ever occur to you
1859
01:17:04,158 --> 01:17:07,795
that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?
1860
01:17:10,464 --> 01:17:11,699
So, I quit...
1861
01:17:12,466 --> 01:17:14,001
as your producer.
1862
01:17:15,736 --> 01:17:17,271
And I quit...
1863
01:17:18,706 --> 01:17:20,808
as your fucking friend.
1864
01:17:22,776 --> 01:17:24,044
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
1865
01:17:24,145 --> 01:17:26,747
'Cause I'm not even supposed to...
1866
01:17:28,149 --> 01:17:29,183
(GRUNTS)
1867
01:17:29,283 --> 01:17:31,051
(BODY THUDS)
1868
01:17:31,152 --> 01:17:33,654
Now that's what I call acting!
1869
01:17:33,754 --> 01:17:36,625
Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.
1870
01:17:36,724 --> 01:17:39,393
Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky, get up.
1871
01:17:41,630 --> 01:17:42,897
Dante?
1872
01:17:44,031 --> 01:17:45,032
Hey.
1873
01:17:45,666 --> 01:17:49,370
Hey. Hey! Dante!
1874
01:17:49,470 --> 01:17:50,704
Wake up, man. Hey!
1875
01:17:50,804 --> 01:17:52,106
Call an ambulance!
1876
01:17:52,206 --> 01:17:54,909
Wake up, man.Dante. Dante!
1877
01:17:58,547 --> 01:18:00,549
Dante? Um...
1878
01:18:00,649 --> 01:18:02,082
Excuse me. We're...
What the...
1879
01:18:02,183 --> 01:18:03,585
No, you can't be back here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1880
01:18:03,684 --> 01:18:05,886
All right, already. God.
1881
01:18:05,986 --> 01:18:07,121
They just brought our friend in.
1882
01:18:07,221 --> 01:18:09,089
His name is Dante Hicks.
1883
01:18:09,190 --> 01:18:10,791
He's the drunk guy that collapsed
at the QuickStop.
1884
01:18:10,891 --> 01:18:12,326
NURSE: Uh-huh.
The first responder said
1885
01:18:12,426 --> 01:18:13,894
- he's having a heart attack.
- Okay, okay.
1886
01:18:13,994 --> 01:18:15,095
You need to wait out there, sir.
1887
01:18:15,196 --> 01:18:16,497
Someone will be by to tell you more
1888
01:18:16,598 --> 01:18:17,765
as soon as we know more.
1889
01:18:17,865 --> 01:18:19,534
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
1890
01:18:19,634 --> 01:18:20,834
Thank you.
1891
01:18:23,237 --> 01:18:25,873
(SIGHS) This is where
I first rejected Jesus.
1892
01:18:25,973 --> 01:18:28,976
Yeah, and now look what's happened.
1893
01:18:29,076 --> 01:18:30,612
So weird to be back here.
1894
01:18:30,711 --> 01:18:32,913
Yeah, tell me about it.
1895
01:18:33,013 --> 01:18:35,282
All right, look.
I'm gonna get out of here.
1896
01:18:35,382 --> 01:18:37,751
Call me as soon as they
say something, all right?
1897
01:18:37,851 --> 01:18:39,253
Wait, what?
Where are you going?
1898
01:18:39,353 --> 01:18:42,223
I'm gonna go work on my movie, man.
1899
01:18:42,323 --> 01:18:43,224
Your movie?
1900
01:18:43,324 --> 01:18:45,125
Yeah, I mean, it's almost done.
1901
01:18:45,226 --> 01:18:47,027
It's not like I'm doing
Dante any good sitting around here.
1902
01:18:47,127 --> 01:18:49,096
I might as well
go work on my movie.
1903
01:18:49,196 --> 01:18:51,533
Are you kidding me?
Even now?
1904
01:18:51,633 --> 01:18:53,602
"Even now" what?
1905
01:18:53,702 --> 01:18:55,002
"Oh, my movie.
1906
01:18:55,102 --> 01:18:57,137
"My movie!
Everybody make my movie
1907
01:18:57,238 --> 01:18:59,006
"because it's so important."
1908
01:18:59,106 --> 01:19:01,141
(SCOFFS) This is neither
the time nor the place
1909
01:19:01,242 --> 01:19:03,010
to do an impression of Chris Nolan.
1910
01:19:03,110 --> 01:19:05,012
I'm doing an impression of you, Randal.
1911
01:19:05,112 --> 01:19:06,447
We're in the hospital.
1912
01:19:06,548 --> 01:19:08,516
- That's stating the obvious.
- No.
1913
01:19:08,617 --> 01:19:10,784
The obvious statement
right now would be,
1914
01:19:10,884 --> 01:19:12,186
"Never mind the movie,
1915
01:19:12,286 --> 01:19:13,921
"my best friend's in the hospital."
1916
01:19:14,021 --> 01:19:17,791
It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.
1917
01:19:17,891 --> 01:19:20,094
Fuck you, Randal.
(SCOFFS)
1918
01:19:20,194 --> 01:19:21,428
Fuck you.
1919
01:19:21,529 --> 01:19:23,097
Come on.
God, man.
1920
01:19:23,197 --> 01:19:25,199
I used to look up to you so much
1921
01:19:25,299 --> 01:19:27,702
but you're the worst,
you know that?
1922
01:19:27,801 --> 01:19:29,069
The worst in the world.
1923
01:19:29,169 --> 01:19:32,439
Mr. Dante made your movie happen.
1924
01:19:32,540 --> 01:19:34,676
I made my movie happen.
1925
01:19:34,775 --> 01:19:37,244
I had the idea to make the movie.
1926
01:19:37,344 --> 01:19:38,546
I wrote the script
1927
01:19:38,647 --> 01:19:40,414
and I'm the goddamn director.
1928
01:19:40,515 --> 01:19:42,316
I made this movie happen.
1929
01:19:42,416 --> 01:19:43,917
It was all me.
1930
01:19:44,018 --> 01:19:46,755
- Oh, it was all you, huh?
- Yeah.
1931
01:19:46,854 --> 01:19:48,188
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
1932
01:19:49,256 --> 01:19:51,425
Take off your stupid mask, Randal.
1933
01:19:52,259 --> 01:19:53,894
Yeah.
1934
01:19:53,994 --> 01:19:56,196
Because I remember
Mr. Dante doing everything.
1935
01:19:56,297 --> 01:19:59,933
He even called his ex-fiancee
who hates his guts.
1936
01:20:00,034 --> 01:20:02,604
He put up his half of QuickStop
1937
01:20:02,704 --> 01:20:05,674
just to get you the money
to make your stupid movie.
1938
01:20:05,774 --> 01:20:07,141
Wait a minute.
1939
01:20:07,241 --> 01:20:09,310
Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?
1940
01:20:09,410 --> 01:20:10,978
MAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM)
Code Blue. ER 7.
1941
01:20:11,078 --> 01:20:13,013
Dante, I didn't know about Emma.
1942
01:20:13,113 --> 01:20:14,348
- I just found out.
- You again? What did I say?
1943
01:20:14,448 --> 01:20:15,750
I didn't know.
What did I say, huh?
1944
01:20:15,849 --> 01:20:17,051
- Security!
- Is he okay?
1945
01:20:17,151 --> 01:20:18,285
Get out of here, man. Get out!
1946
01:20:18,385 --> 01:20:20,888
- Is he okay?
- Get out! Security!
1947
01:20:20,988 --> 01:20:23,123
All right.
Get off of me!
1948
01:20:24,391 --> 01:20:26,126
Randal, where are you going?
1949
01:20:26,226 --> 01:20:27,729
♪ ("LE GRANDE FROMAGE"
BY REBUILDER PLAYING) ♪
1950
01:20:27,828 --> 01:20:31,298
♪ Skip amongstThe telephone lines ♪
1951
01:20:33,200 --> 01:20:36,203
♪ Catch a frequencyTo pass the time ♪
1952
01:20:38,372 --> 01:20:42,376
♪ Anything's betterThan New Jersey ♪
1953
01:20:43,410 --> 01:20:46,980
♪ Living along the turnpike ♪
1954
01:20:51,519 --> 01:20:53,621
♪ Headed home ♪
1955
01:20:53,722 --> 01:20:54,888
Fuck!
1956
01:20:54,988 --> 01:20:56,857
♪ With the smell of smoke ♪
1957
01:20:56,957 --> 01:21:00,327
♪ We ran out of thingsTo say ♪
1958
01:21:01,995 --> 01:21:04,231
♪ So let it unfold ♪
1959
01:21:04,331 --> 01:21:07,167
♪ We pumped the tires full ♪
1960
01:21:07,267 --> 01:21:12,373
♪ All our favorite songsWere shitty anyway ♪
1961
01:21:12,473 --> 01:21:16,243
♪ Anything's betterThan New Jersey ♪
1962
01:21:17,612 --> 01:21:21,482
♪ Skip amongstThe telephone lines ♪
1963
01:21:22,817 --> 01:21:27,020
♪ Anything's betterThan New Jersey ♪
1964
01:21:28,122 --> 01:21:31,358
♪ Living along the turnpike ♪
1965
01:21:44,037 --> 01:21:47,207
♪ I'd give anythingTo go home ♪
1966
01:21:47,307 --> 01:21:49,209
♪ I'd give anythingTo go home ♪
1967
01:21:49,309 --> 01:21:52,246
♪ I gave up everythingTo leave ♪
1968
01:21:52,346 --> 01:21:54,582
♪ I gave up everythingTo leave ♪
1969
01:21:54,682 --> 01:21:57,418
♪ I'd give anythingTo go home ♪
1970
01:21:57,519 --> 01:21:59,319
♪ I'd give anythingTo go home ♪
1971
01:21:59,420 --> 01:22:02,389
♪ I gave up everythingTo leave ♪
1972
01:22:02,489 --> 01:22:04,091
♪ I gave up everything... ♪
1973
01:22:04,191 --> 01:22:06,427
I think it needs more weed.
Hmm.
1974
01:22:06,528 --> 01:22:07,762
God. Hey...
1975
01:22:07,862 --> 01:22:09,463
I need your help with Dante.
1976
01:22:12,600 --> 01:22:13,768
Who's Dante?
1977
01:22:13,868 --> 01:22:16,905
The fuck do you mean? Dante.
1978
01:22:17,004 --> 01:22:20,240
The other guy, the guy in the QuickStop
who's not me?
1979
01:22:20,340 --> 01:22:22,109
Wait, I thought his name was Sergio.
1980
01:22:22,209 --> 01:22:25,045
- Ain't his name Sergio?
- It's fucking Dante.
1981
01:22:25,145 --> 01:22:27,147
Are you gonna help me or not?
1982
01:22:27,247 --> 01:22:29,651
Anything for our boy Sergio.
1983
01:22:29,751 --> 01:22:32,986
I need to sneak into the hospital
to get to Sergio,
1984
01:22:33,086 --> 01:22:37,324
so I want you guys to create
a very subtle distraction.
1985
01:22:37,424 --> 01:22:41,061
I took a poo in the ICU!
1986
01:22:41,161 --> 01:22:42,664
I took a...
Oh, shit!
1987
01:22:42,764 --> 01:22:44,532
SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Hey!
1988
01:22:45,600 --> 01:22:48,268
♪ Give up everything to leave ♪
1989
01:22:48,368 --> 01:22:51,639
♪ Anything's betterThan New Jersey ♪
1990
01:22:51,739 --> 01:22:53,875
♪ I'd give anythingTo go home ♪
1991
01:22:53,974 --> 01:22:56,443
♪ Living along the turnpike ♪
1992
01:23:02,584 --> 01:23:03,718
(MONITOR BEEPING)
1993
01:23:03,818 --> 01:23:05,252
Dante?
1994
01:23:13,962 --> 01:23:15,930
Hey, man.
1995
01:23:16,029 --> 01:23:19,366
I figure, since you're just
laying around here...
1996
01:23:19,466 --> 01:23:21,636
you little heart attack copycat.
1997
01:23:23,303 --> 01:23:26,240
You got time to watch
our first movie.
1998
01:23:28,008 --> 01:23:29,577
Huh?
1999
01:23:43,457 --> 01:23:45,058
You're gonna see I was way off
2000
01:23:45,158 --> 01:23:47,862
with that stupid shit
I said at the store.
2001
01:23:47,962 --> 01:23:53,033
I never... never would have made
this movie without you.
2002
01:23:55,402 --> 01:23:57,639
I never could do
anything without you.
2003
01:24:03,545 --> 01:24:05,980
I'm here, man.
I'm here.
2004
01:24:06,079 --> 01:24:08,048
Let's watch the movie.
2005
01:24:17,291 --> 01:24:19,493
♪ ("O WALY, WALY"
BY GERARD WAY PLAYING) ♪
2006
01:24:41,616 --> 01:24:43,851
This is the way I see you.
2007
01:24:43,952 --> 01:24:47,387
You're the main character
in my Star Wars.
2008
01:24:47,487 --> 01:24:49,791
(SNIFFLES)
You're not the Dak.
2009
01:24:49,891 --> 01:24:52,660
You've always been the Luke.
2010
01:24:52,760 --> 01:24:55,362
(VOICE BREAKING)
You're the hero of my movie, too.
2011
01:24:57,197 --> 01:24:59,466
You've always been my hero, Dante.
2012
01:24:59,567 --> 01:25:03,938
♪ The water is wide ♪
2013
01:25:04,038 --> 01:25:07,240
♪ I can't get over ♪
2014
01:25:08,408 --> 01:25:12,780
♪ Neither have I ♪
2015
01:25:12,880 --> 01:25:17,184
♪ The wings to fly ♪
2016
01:25:17,284 --> 01:25:21,455
♪ So go and get ♪
2017
01:25:21,556 --> 01:25:24,692
♪ Me to a boat ♪
2018
01:25:26,094 --> 01:25:29,363
♪ To carry both ♪
2019
01:25:30,197 --> 01:25:34,669
♪ My love and I ♪
2020
01:25:36,070 --> 01:25:39,574
(VOCALIZING)
2021
01:26:09,469 --> 01:26:11,338
♪ There is a ship ♪
2022
01:26:11,438 --> 01:26:13,941
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
2023
01:26:14,042 --> 01:26:17,344
♪ Out on the sea ♪
2024
01:26:18,345 --> 01:26:22,750
♪ And loaded deep ♪
2025
01:26:22,850 --> 01:26:25,820
♪ As it can be ♪
2026
01:26:27,320 --> 01:26:31,358
♪ But not as deep ♪
2027
01:26:31,458 --> 01:26:34,829
♪ As love am I ♪
2028
01:26:34,929 --> 01:26:35,997
Let's go.
2029
01:26:36,097 --> 01:26:37,264
♪ Don't care if I ♪
2030
01:26:37,364 --> 01:26:39,299
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
2031
01:26:40,267 --> 01:26:42,603
♪ Should live or die... ♪
2032
01:26:42,704 --> 01:26:43,771
(SIGHS)
2033
01:26:45,405 --> 01:26:47,274
That was the best movie I ever saw.
2034
01:26:48,308 --> 01:26:49,610
But it's not over.
2035
01:26:50,511 --> 01:26:52,345
Don't you wanna see how it ends?
2036
01:26:53,047 --> 01:26:54,582
I trust the director.
2037
01:26:55,717 --> 01:26:58,285
He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...
2038
01:26:58,385 --> 01:27:02,389
♪ The wings to fly ♪
2039
01:27:03,390 --> 01:27:05,225
He was my best friend.
2040
01:27:07,095 --> 01:27:09,931
♪ Me to a boat ♪
2041
01:27:10,031 --> 01:27:11,032
(DANTE SNIFFLES)
2042
01:27:11,132 --> 01:27:13,968
♪ To carry both ♪
2043
01:27:15,435 --> 01:27:19,507
♪ My love and I ♪
2044
01:27:19,607 --> 01:27:23,243
♪ To carry both ♪
2045
01:27:24,212 --> 01:27:28,415
♪ My love and I ♪
2046
01:27:28,516 --> 01:27:30,618
(MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
2047
01:27:34,622 --> 01:27:36,858
What's goin' on?
(SNIFFLES)
2048
01:27:37,892 --> 01:27:39,193
You okay? Hey.
2049
01:27:39,292 --> 01:27:41,428
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
2050
01:27:41,529 --> 01:27:43,898
Don't fucking leave me, man.
2051
01:27:43,998 --> 01:27:45,967
Don't leave me!
2052
01:27:46,067 --> 01:27:48,102
Oh, shit. Help!
2053
01:27:48,202 --> 01:27:50,805
♪ ("JUST BREATHE" BY PEARL JAM
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) ♪
2054
01:28:00,782 --> 01:28:02,750
And that's when
the good thief said,
2055
01:28:02,850 --> 01:28:06,921
"Jesus did no wrong, whereas we are
but thieves."
2056
01:28:08,455 --> 01:28:09,924
What the fuck are butt thieves?
2057
01:28:10,024 --> 01:28:11,458
I don't know if any of you
know this
2058
01:28:11,559 --> 01:28:15,196
but I'm a Satanist now.
2059
01:28:15,295 --> 01:28:17,799
And while I may be
the devil's concubine,
2060
01:28:18,599 --> 01:28:20,467
I still believe in Heaven.
2061
01:28:20,568 --> 01:28:22,570
And because Mr. Dante
2062
01:28:22,670 --> 01:28:25,106
was the best person
that I ever knew,
2063
01:28:25,206 --> 01:28:27,340
I believe he's in Heaven right now,
2064
01:28:28,341 --> 01:28:29,911
just like the good thief.
2065
01:28:32,213 --> 01:28:33,648
Dante's Inferno.
2066
01:28:34,916 --> 01:28:35,917
No.
2067
01:28:36,918 --> 01:28:38,519
Dante's Paradiso!
2068
01:28:39,821 --> 01:28:40,822
Si.
2069
01:28:59,674 --> 01:29:01,609
Grazie, Elias.
2070
01:29:05,279 --> 01:29:09,183
(CLEARS THROAT)
I, uh...
2071
01:29:09,283 --> 01:29:12,720
I thought a lot about
what to say here today.
2072
01:29:12,820 --> 01:29:14,454
I was gonna pull from the eulogy
2073
01:29:14,555 --> 01:29:17,792
that Kirk gave Spock
in The Wrath of Khan,
2074
01:29:17,892 --> 01:29:19,794
but I've always been more of
a Star Wars fan
2075
01:29:19,894 --> 01:29:22,163
so I should say something like,
2076
01:29:22,263 --> 01:29:26,499
"May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."
2077
01:29:27,668 --> 01:29:29,337
But I think instead
of quoting a movie,
2078
01:29:29,436 --> 01:29:32,106
I'd like to paraphrase the departed.
2079
01:29:32,206 --> 01:29:34,542
And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,
2080
01:29:34,642 --> 01:29:37,111
not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect
2081
01:29:37,211 --> 01:29:40,081
right up until that stupid shot
of the rat at the end.
2082
01:29:42,516 --> 01:29:45,086
So in the words...
2083
01:29:45,186 --> 01:29:47,588
(VOICE BREAKING)
...of the best guy I ever knew...
2084
01:29:50,725 --> 01:29:53,628
"You're not even supposed
to be here today."
2085
01:29:53,728 --> 01:29:57,598
♪ Nothing you would take ♪
2086
01:29:57,698 --> 01:30:02,670
♪ Everything you gave ♪
2087
01:30:02,770 --> 01:30:06,507
♪ Hold me 'til I die ♪
2088
01:30:06,607 --> 01:30:11,612
♪ Meet you on the other side ♪
2089
01:30:15,750 --> 01:30:17,351
RANDAL: Come on in here,
you little butt thief,
2090
01:30:17,450 --> 01:30:20,453
and assume your new position.
2091
01:30:20,554 --> 01:30:22,422
But this was Mr. Dante's spot.
2092
01:30:22,523 --> 01:30:24,058
Yeah, well, after all this time
2093
01:30:24,158 --> 01:30:26,827
of being my biggest
and only fanboy,
2094
01:30:26,928 --> 01:30:28,896
I'd say you earned it.
2095
01:30:28,996 --> 01:30:30,497
Besides, I told you way back
when we worked at Mooby's
2096
01:30:30,598 --> 01:30:31,899
when Dante is gone,
2097
01:30:31,999 --> 01:30:33,466
you're gonna be my new best friend.
2098
01:30:33,567 --> 01:30:34,535
(CHUCKLES)
2099
01:30:34,635 --> 01:30:36,170
No, I'm not.
2100
01:30:36,270 --> 01:30:37,772
Who the fuck else
am I gonna hang out with?
2101
01:30:37,872 --> 01:30:39,173
It's you and me, buddy.
2102
01:30:41,441 --> 01:30:43,443
Oh, fuck.
2103
01:30:43,544 --> 01:30:46,547
Well, look who it is, Mr. Big Shit.
2104
01:30:46,647 --> 01:30:49,684
Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big Clit.
2105
01:30:49,784 --> 01:30:52,186
Classy. How am I not surprised?
2106
01:30:52,286 --> 01:30:54,555
I was surprised to see you
at the cemetery.
2107
01:30:54,655 --> 01:30:56,357
You flew up for Dante?
2108
01:30:56,456 --> 01:31:00,127
Well, I did almost
marry the man, and if I had... P.S.
2109
01:31:00,227 --> 01:31:02,129
He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack
2110
01:31:02,229 --> 01:31:03,664
before he was 50.
2111
01:31:03,764 --> 01:31:05,833
Yeah, because after a year with you,
2112
01:31:05,933 --> 01:31:07,501
he'd have killed himself.
2113
01:31:07,601 --> 01:31:10,271
I think I heard
you had a heart attack.
2114
01:31:10,371 --> 01:31:11,706
Am I right?
2115
01:31:12,974 --> 01:31:15,242
That must really fuck with you.
2116
01:31:15,343 --> 01:31:19,113
Dante's dead but you're still here.
2117
01:31:19,213 --> 01:31:21,315
I guess it's true
what they say, Randal.
2118
01:31:21,415 --> 01:31:24,685
"Only the good die young."
2119
01:31:24,785 --> 01:31:26,420
To what do I owe the pleasure
2120
01:31:26,520 --> 01:31:29,357
of your entirely unwelcome visit?
2121
01:31:29,457 --> 01:31:33,060
I loaned Dante 30 grand
2122
01:31:33,160 --> 01:31:37,598
and he put his half of the store up
as collateral.
2123
01:31:37,698 --> 01:31:39,433
Now he's gone.
2124
01:31:39,533 --> 01:31:43,504
And if you can't pay me back,
I own half this shithole.
2125
01:31:43,604 --> 01:31:46,240
(SIGHING)
2126
01:31:46,340 --> 01:31:48,609
How big's my clit now, motherfucker?
2127
01:31:48,709 --> 01:31:51,278
Oh, my sweet Satan,
2128
01:31:52,680 --> 01:31:55,483
lend your might to the meek
and deliver us
2129
01:31:55,583 --> 01:31:57,885
from this succubus.
2130
01:31:58,753 --> 01:32:00,788
- What the...
- (PANTING)
2131
01:32:00,888 --> 01:32:02,757
- The kites are flying!
- Ah!
2132
01:32:02,857 --> 01:32:05,059
I repeat!
The kites are...
2133
01:32:05,159 --> 01:32:06,193
- flying!
- He talks?
2134
01:32:06,293 --> 01:32:08,162
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
2135
01:32:08,262 --> 01:32:09,530
Oh, my God!
2136
01:32:09,630 --> 01:32:11,432
- Oh, my God!
- What?
2137
01:32:11,532 --> 01:32:12,833
The kites are sold out.
2138
01:32:12,933 --> 01:32:15,436
The fucking kites, God, the kites.
2139
01:32:15,536 --> 01:32:17,138
The Crimson Kite NFT's,
2140
01:32:17,238 --> 01:32:19,073
the ones we minted forthe Crimson Crypto Club.
2141
01:32:19,173 --> 01:32:20,641
Blockchain put them
on sale last night
2142
01:32:20,741 --> 01:32:21,909
and they all sold out.
2143
01:32:22,009 --> 01:32:23,512
So?
2144
01:32:23,611 --> 01:32:24,845
The two of us just made...
2145
01:32:24,945 --> 01:32:26,380
- One million!
- One million!
2146
01:32:26,480 --> 01:32:27,882
- One million dollars!
- Ah!
2147
01:32:27,982 --> 01:32:30,885
Hail Satan!
I'm crypto rich, bitch!
2148
01:32:30,985 --> 01:32:34,722
I just cashed out $100,000
just to flex and buy sex.
2149
01:32:34,822 --> 01:32:36,390
- Here, take that.
- Shit.
2150
01:32:36,490 --> 01:32:38,225
What're you gonna do
with your money, Big E?
2151
01:32:38,325 --> 01:32:41,028
I'll never be able to earn
my place behind this counter
2152
01:32:41,128 --> 01:32:44,331
but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking
2153
01:32:44,432 --> 01:32:45,599
- blood money.
- Oh!
2154
01:32:45,699 --> 01:32:48,235
Now, get the hell
out of our store!
2155
01:32:48,335 --> 01:32:51,138
Well played, clerks.
2156
01:32:52,106 --> 01:32:53,542
ELIAS: Sorry about the mess.
2157
01:32:53,641 --> 01:32:56,343
That was from Star Wars.
2158
01:32:56,444 --> 01:32:58,312
I only said it 'cause you
and Mr. Dante
2159
01:32:58,412 --> 01:33:00,347
- used to talk about Star Wars.
- I know.
2160
01:33:00,448 --> 01:33:01,982
Long time ago.
2161
01:33:03,250 --> 01:33:06,320
- In a galaxy far, far away...
- (DOOR OPENS)
2162
01:33:07,288 --> 01:33:08,989
Holy fuck, that's a lot of money.
2163
01:33:09,090 --> 01:33:10,491
You wanna buy some weed?
2164
01:33:10,591 --> 01:33:12,359
Yes! I wanna buy all the weed!
2165
01:33:12,460 --> 01:33:13,694
Here's ten grand.
2166
01:33:13,794 --> 01:33:15,096
Whoo! That's gonna get you higher
2167
01:33:15,196 --> 01:33:17,532
than Godzilla's asshole.
2168
01:33:17,631 --> 01:33:19,967
Yo, where those kites at?
2169
01:33:20,067 --> 01:33:22,603
Right this way, valued customer.
2170
01:33:25,206 --> 01:33:27,108
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Aye-yi-yi.
2171
01:33:27,708 --> 01:33:29,243
(SNIFFLES)
2172
01:33:32,913 --> 01:33:35,116
♪ ("I'M FROM NEW JERSEY"
BY JOHN GORKA PLAYING) ♪
2173
01:33:38,452 --> 01:33:39,920
(SIGHS)
2174
01:33:41,088 --> 01:33:43,090
I wish you were here, man.
2175
01:33:44,992 --> 01:33:48,362
♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪
2176
01:33:48,462 --> 01:33:51,732
♪ I don't expect too much ♪
2177
01:33:51,832 --> 01:33:54,869
♪ If the world ended today ♪
2178
01:33:54,969 --> 01:33:57,171
♪ I would adjust ♪
2179
01:33:58,405 --> 01:34:01,408
♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪
2180
01:34:01,510 --> 01:34:04,579
♪ No, I don't talk that way ♪
2181
01:34:04,678 --> 01:34:08,449
♪ I watched too much TV ♪
2182
01:34:08,550 --> 01:34:10,918
♪ When I was young ♪
2183
01:34:13,087 --> 01:34:15,022
♪ There are girlsFrom New Jersey ♪
2184
01:34:15,122 --> 01:34:19,894
♪ Who haveThat great big hair ♪
2185
01:34:19,994 --> 01:34:22,531
♪ They're foundIn shopping malls ♪
2186
01:34:22,631 --> 01:34:29,303
♪ I will take you there ♪
2187
01:34:38,179 --> 01:34:41,682
♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪
2188
01:34:41,782 --> 01:34:44,852
♪ It's not like Texas ♪
2189
01:34:44,952 --> 01:34:48,389
♪ There is no mystery ♪
2190
01:34:48,489 --> 01:34:51,660
♪ I can't pretend ♪
2191
01:34:51,759 --> 01:34:54,895
♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪
2192
01:34:54,995 --> 01:34:58,533
♪ It's like Ohio ♪
2193
01:34:58,633 --> 01:35:01,702
♪ But even more so ♪
2194
01:35:01,802 --> 01:35:04,071
♪ Imagine that ♪
2195
01:35:06,608 --> 01:35:09,009
♪ I know which exit ♪
2196
01:35:09,109 --> 01:35:13,480
♪ And where I'm bound ♪
2197
01:35:13,582 --> 01:35:15,617
♪ The tolls on the parkway ♪
2198
01:35:15,716 --> 01:35:21,956
♪ They will slow you down ♪
2199
01:35:31,732 --> 01:35:34,868
♪ New Jersey people ♪
2200
01:35:34,969 --> 01:35:38,005
♪ They will surprise you ♪
2201
01:35:38,105 --> 01:35:41,742
♪ 'Cause they're not expected ♪
2202
01:35:41,842 --> 01:35:44,778
♪ To do too much ♪
2203
01:35:44,878 --> 01:35:48,082
♪ They will try harder ♪
2204
01:35:48,182 --> 01:35:51,720
♪ They may go further ♪
2205
01:35:51,819 --> 01:35:53,521
♪ 'Cause they never think ♪
2206
01:35:53,622 --> 01:35:57,224
♪ That they are good enough ♪
2207
01:35:58,225 --> 01:36:01,696
♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪
2208
01:36:01,829 --> 01:36:04,965
♪ I don't expect too much ♪
2209
01:36:05,065 --> 01:36:08,102
♪ If the world ended today ♪
2210
01:36:08,202 --> 01:36:11,438
♪ I would adjust ♪
2211
01:36:11,539 --> 01:36:13,941
♪ I would adjust ♪
2212
01:36:14,975 --> 01:36:17,811
♪ I would adjust ♪
2213
01:36:50,978 --> 01:36:52,714
Hey, kids!It's me, Kevin Smith,
2214
01:36:52,813 --> 01:36:56,016
and I can't thank you enoughfor making this third trip
2215
01:36:56,116 --> 01:36:59,153
to the convenience storewith me. Thank you.
2216
01:36:59,253 --> 01:37:01,322
Um... This time'sexciting for me
2217
01:37:01,422 --> 01:37:03,957
because this time everyonefinally gets to see Clerks
2218
01:37:04,058 --> 01:37:05,794
the way I've alwaysseen Clerks.
2219
01:37:05,893 --> 01:37:08,062
Most people think that Clerks
is a black and white movie
2220
01:37:08,162 --> 01:37:10,297
and they're right. It was shot
on black and white film.
2221
01:37:10,397 --> 01:37:13,367
But, to me,whenever I watch Clerks,
2222
01:37:13,467 --> 01:37:14,703
even thoughit's in black and white,
2223
01:37:14,803 --> 01:37:16,538
the movie appears in color.
2224
01:37:16,638 --> 01:37:17,806
Because I lived that life.
2225
01:37:17,905 --> 01:37:19,574
And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
2226
01:37:19,674 --> 01:37:23,778
you're all seein' QuickStopand the surrounding area,
2227
01:37:23,877 --> 01:37:25,613
uh, Dante, Randal,Jay and Silent Bob
2228
01:37:25,714 --> 01:37:28,982
as I've always seen themfrom day one.
2229
01:37:29,083 --> 01:37:31,285
Um, in vivid, living color.
2230
01:37:31,385 --> 01:37:36,624
Uh, you know, QuickStopis the unsung, uh, star
2231
01:37:36,725 --> 01:37:38,959
of all the Clerks movies,if not,
2232
01:37:39,059 --> 01:37:40,662
you know, the epicenter
2233
01:37:40,762 --> 01:37:42,831
of the View Askewniverse films
in general.
2234
01:37:42,930 --> 01:37:44,865
Um, all stories emanate
2235
01:37:44,965 --> 01:37:48,068
and flow from thatlittle building.
2236
01:37:48,168 --> 01:37:51,405
And when I worked there...
2237
01:37:51,506 --> 01:37:54,074
um, I hated it.I didn't want to be there.
2238
01:37:54,174 --> 01:37:55,376
I didn't wanna workfor somebody else
2239
01:37:55,476 --> 01:37:56,910
and I didn't wanna work there.
2240
01:37:57,010 --> 01:37:59,079
And people would come in
2241
01:37:59,179 --> 01:38:00,682
and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
2242
01:38:00,782 --> 01:38:02,751
"I have to actuallywait on people?
2243
01:38:02,851 --> 01:38:04,519
"I just wanna watch TV."
2244
01:38:04,619 --> 01:38:06,153
I didn't even wanna workat the convenience store.
2245
01:38:06,253 --> 01:38:07,689
I tried to get a jobat RST Video.
2246
01:38:07,789 --> 01:38:09,524
There was an adin the paper for it.
2247
01:38:09,624 --> 01:38:11,191
I went downand talked to Mr. Topper.
2248
01:38:11,291 --> 01:38:12,761
He said... He goes,"I see you have
2249
01:38:12,861 --> 01:38:14,995
"convenience storeexperience as well."
2250
01:38:15,095 --> 01:38:17,297
I said, "Yeah, I worked in a bunchof convenience stores."
2251
01:38:17,398 --> 01:38:19,032
And he goes, "Would you bewilling to work
2252
01:38:19,133 --> 01:38:20,702
"in this conveniencestore next door
2253
01:38:20,802 --> 01:38:22,436
"from time to time becausewe own that as well?"
2254
01:38:22,537 --> 01:38:24,171
And I was like, "Uh, yeah,if you need help."
2255
01:38:24,271 --> 01:38:25,607
And, uh, famous lastwords because it...
2256
01:38:25,707 --> 01:38:27,274
it was a convenience store job.
2257
01:38:27,374 --> 01:38:29,376
He catfished me.I just wound up
2258
01:38:29,476 --> 01:38:31,178
working in a convenience storewith a couple of hours in...
2259
01:38:31,278 --> 01:38:33,515
in a video store,teased with paradise,
2260
01:38:33,615 --> 01:38:37,317
then seduced and abandonedto sell, uh, goods.
2261
01:38:37,418 --> 01:38:40,020
So in Clerks, Randal says,
2262
01:38:40,120 --> 01:38:41,589
"Man, this job would be great
2263
01:38:41,689 --> 01:38:43,558
"if it wasn't forthe fuckin' customers."
2264
01:38:43,658 --> 01:38:45,827
Uh, but in the scriptfor Clerks III,
2265
01:38:45,926 --> 01:38:47,896
I'm gonna read you a littlesomething that was there
2266
01:38:47,995 --> 01:38:49,163
that I didn't use in the movie.
2267
01:38:49,263 --> 01:38:50,799
During the pullback shot
2268
01:38:50,899 --> 01:38:52,834
at the very end,you hear John Gorka's
2269
01:38:52,933 --> 01:38:54,334
beautiful
I'm From New Jersey.
2270
01:38:54,435 --> 01:38:56,170
And it was so lovely,
2271
01:38:56,270 --> 01:38:58,540
I left that moment aloneand didn't put in
2272
01:38:58,640 --> 01:39:00,875
what in the script called for,
the voice of Smod.
2273
01:39:00,974 --> 01:39:04,344
That would be me. And this is what
you would have heard.
2274
01:39:04,445 --> 01:39:06,681
"Randal Graves spentthe rest of his life
2275
01:39:06,781 --> 01:39:08,215
"running QuickStop Groceries
2276
01:39:08,315 --> 01:39:09,983
"whenever he wasn't making movies,
2277
01:39:10,083 --> 01:39:11,985
"with each film financed solely
2278
01:39:12,085 --> 01:39:14,556
"by Crimson Crypto Studios.
2279
01:39:14,656 --> 01:39:16,356
"At a screeningof his final film,
2280
01:39:16,457 --> 01:39:18,358
"the Asbury Park Press
asked him
2281
01:39:18,459 --> 01:39:21,195
"to sum upa life spent satisfying
2282
01:39:21,295 --> 01:39:24,498
"both the public's demandfor cigarettes and soda
2283
01:39:24,599 --> 01:39:27,134
"as well as their appetitefor the many movies
2284
01:39:27,234 --> 01:39:30,705
"he made after his celebrateddebut, Clerk.
2285
01:39:30,805 --> 01:39:33,741
"The 90-year-oldRandal Graves replied,
2286
01:39:33,842 --> 01:39:35,577
"'I always thought that jobswould have been great
2287
01:39:35,677 --> 01:39:37,846
"'if it weren't forthe fuckin' customers.
2288
01:39:37,946 --> 01:39:39,681
"'But as it turns out,
2289
01:39:39,781 --> 01:39:43,083
"'these jobs are great becauseof the fuckin' customers.'"
2290
01:39:44,151 --> 01:39:45,887
He means it and so do I.
2291
01:39:45,986 --> 01:39:47,555
Thank you to everybody
2292
01:39:47,655 --> 01:39:49,056
whoever walked throughthe door of that store
2293
01:39:49,156 --> 01:39:50,825
and made me think,
2294
01:39:50,925 --> 01:39:53,126
"Somebody should put thisin a fuckin' movie."
2295
01:39:53,227 --> 01:39:56,096
Somebody did. Thank you.
2296
01:39:56,965 --> 01:39:59,166
JAY: Yeah!172257
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