All language subtitles for 3x05 - Party

(Howard) Come with us now
on a journey through time and space.

(Vince) To the world of
"The Mighty Boosh".

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

Hey, birthday boy!
How's it going?

- Going well, thank you, yeah.
- Cool.

- Got me a present, then, have you?
- Uh... I've ordered it for you. It's on its way.

- I'm sure you have.
- I have. It's on its way.

- Every year you say that, Vince.
- I was thinking.

Let's have a massive party this weekend,
celebrate your birthday. It'll be genius.

I'm all right. I'm gonna have a quiet night in
with Lester Corncrake.

A 12-disc box set of Charlie Mingus just came
in - there's some pretty raw outtakes on there.

On one of them, you can hear
Charlie himself laughing of-mic.

It's a pretty warm moment.
You're welcome to join us if you fancy.

Yeah... I'm fine, thanks. I don't think
I can sit cross-legged by candlelight,

holding hands with you and Lester,
listening to Charlie Mingle.

- It's Charlie Mingus.
- Whatever.

- Let's have a big party. It'll be fun.
- I hate parties.

- Who hates parties?
- I do.

- Why?
- You know why.

- Not that old business. That was years ago.
- Years ago?

Well, it's fresh in my mind, sonny Jim.
Fresh as a hot bagel from Mama's oven.

Where's the bouncy castle?

Vince told us there'd be one.
You've wasted our time.

It's coming. Vince said so.

Listen, loser. We've waited two hours.
Now you're gonna get it!

- What?
- Let's jump on Howard instead.

Nooooo!

Why, Vince?
Why did you do it?

- No one was gonna come to your party.
- Yeah.

- I panicked, said there'd be a bouncy castle.
- They all kicked my head in.

- At least they'd taken their shoes of.
- That's not funny.

- I'm sorry.
- I really wanted that bouncy castle.

- If we have a party, I'll get you one.
- I think I'm a bit old for that now, don't you?

- 50's not that old.
- Yeah, I'm not 50, am I?

- How old are you?
- I'm 32!

Ten years older than you.

Look, the thing is, it doesn't matter how old
you are, bouncy castles are still genius.

I went on one a couple of weeks ago. It was
amazing. I bounced as high as my own head!

- Really?
- Yeah.

- As if you did!
- I did.

- Do any somersaults?
- I did six somersaults.

Six?

And one of those things where you go
backwards and land on your feet. Cool.

- Jimmy flips.
- I did a Jimmy flip.

- Really?
- You'd have loved it.

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh, such a good time

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Shoes all in a line

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Everybody somersault

♪ Somersault, summertime
Everybody sing along

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh, such a good time

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
White socks slipping down

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Stilettos are a no-no

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh!

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh!

♪ Every time I bounce
I feel I touch the sky!

I'm not interested.
Stop trying to lure me in with a crimp.

Man is born alone, Vince. He should celebrate
that day alone... in sombre isolation.

- If we have a party, there'll be girls there.
- Girls!

- Yeah, girls.
- These Camden dollybirds aren't for me.

I'm a real man, a man of substance.
And I'm having a quiet night in.

This is a nightmare,
because I've invited all of my mates.

- Well, disinvite them.
- They're good people. It'll be embarrassing.

Good people? Let's have a look
at some of these friends of yours.

- Johnny Rhythm.
- He's a club promoter.

- Vector.
- She's a photographer.

- Mama Zoom.
- You know Mama Zoom.

She was here last Thursday -
the one eating toast.

Jacques Le Cube.
What kind of a name is that?

Well, he's French and he's a cube.

He's not coming to the party,
neither is anyone else.

No party. And nothing on God's sweet earth
is gonna make me change my mind.

Leave this to me.

- Hi. Hello.
- Hi.

Couldn't help noticing you
looking at the jazz records.

If you like those,
you might be interested in these.

It's just something I've knocked up myself -
a pencil case with a picture of a jazz musician,

uniting the twin disciplines of jazz and
stationery management in a unique package.

- Um... I heard there was a party here tonight.
- (Vince) Howard doesn't want a party.

He'd rather sit in a dark room with his
70-year-old jazz mate swapping hands

- and listening to weather reports.
- That is a joke.

- So there is a party here tonight?
- Oh, yes. A big party, yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty much party central
round here. My parties are legendary.

- Ha-ha!
- Shut your mouth.

- Great. I love parties.
- I love parties, too.

- Meeting people.
- I love it.

- Dancing.
- Dancing and meeting people.

That's what I'm about.
Maybe I'll see you there.

- Maybe you will.
- Maybe I will.

- Yeah, maybe.
- Maybe!

- Will I? See you?
- Yeah.

Great. Bye.

- Unbelievable.
- Yep, still got the moves.

I've been trying to get you to have a party
for ten years - nothing.

One girl comes in, bats her lashes at you,
and you melt like warm Nutella.

You're just angry cos she liked me and
not you. There's gonna be sparks tonight!

The times are a-changing
for Howard TJ Moon.

I've still got the magic. Pow!

- (door opens)
- Hey! Thanks for doing that.

So spread the word - Vince Noir's having
a party. Maybe knock up some flyers.

- I thought it was Howard's birthday.
- Don't put him on the flyers. No one'll come.

- All right, gotcha.
- See you later.

OK! The party's on, guys.
Better get inviting some people.

- Thought it was a quiet night in with Lester.
- A quiet night in? Ha-ha!

I think not, sir.
I'm Howard Moon, party animal.

Bollo, get the big cauldron out of the loft.
I feel a punch coming on -

- it's gonna be a strong one.
- I've got a bad feeling about this.

Yeah, OK, Naboo.
I'll tell 'em.

- The party's on.
- Yes!

Result!

- Oh, dammit!
- What's wrong with you?

I foolishly agreed to accompany my wife
on an extreme-sports calendar shoot.

- Oh, you mug!
- You plum duf!

I have ordered not one, not two,
but three crates of poppers.

- We're havin' it large!
- All right, don't rub it in.

- And it's Bank Holiday Monday.
- Recovery Monday.

That's right, easing out the comedown -

while you're out there watching your wife
parading about in a jumpsuit.

Hello! Idiot!

- And where's Mrs Harrison?
- Staying with her sister in Bournemouth.

I am greenlit the whole way.

I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her I'm
going to bed at half nine, and carte blanche.

Whoo!

- You are so under the thumb, it's frightening.
- At least I've got a thumb.

Why don't you just tell this woman
you can't make it this weekend

because you're rolling with the boys?

If I do that, Saboo,
she will pummel me into the dirt.

- Give her the back of your tentacle.
- She's a powerful woman.

Come on!

Sometimes I wonder
if I made the right decision

marrying an extreme-sports calendar model.

OK, what I've gone for is an olive-green
rollneck and quite a heavy-gauge corduroy.

Now, hear me out. This is a bit crazy,

but what if I went for a finer-gauge corduroy...
up against a mufin?

- Yeah, that is a tricky one.
- Yep.

- Have you got any other clothes?
- No.

Right. What is going on down there?

- What? Too much?
- It's not the 18th century.

- Are you an explorer?
- I go my own way, sir.

- (phone buzzes)
- Hello? Come up.

- Who the hell's that?
- The first guests.

- It's 5:45.
- Lester Corncrake came straight from work.

Hey-hey-hey!

Ciao! Pow! Skiddy-biddy-bow!

- How are you, Lester?
- I bought you a present.

- Yeah! Ooh, look at this.
- Yeah.

- Thank you. What is it?
- It's a man corset.

Helps keep your bangers in check.

Heh! Men of our advanced age and
sexual decline need all the help we can get.

Thanks a lot. But we're not actually
the same age, are we?

(giggling)

Oh, you crack me up!

- OK. Ready to bust some moves?
- Does a chicken have lips?

- I've got a Chick Corea album to show you.
- I used to vomit on Chick Corea for money.

Oh, my Lord!
Did you see the Bebop Brothers?

- I know. It's embarrassing.
- What was that about?

You gonna invite some decent people
to absorb them?

Don't worry, I've invited half
the female population of Camden. It'll be cool.

- Better get on with this, then.
- Catch you later. I gotta get ready.

This is your basic cauldron.
If you haven't got one, don't worry.

Pop down to a Woolworths
to grab yourself a metal compost bin.

They're not expensive and work just as well.

Now, let's talk about hash cakes.
A little tip about hash cakes:

Just start of with one first,
wait about an hour, see how you feel.

Don't eat 15 in one go
cos you will see the devil,

and he'll try and rip your heart out
through your kneecaps.

Pop 'em in the oven -
about 20 minutes, gas mark 4.

Here's some I made earlier.

- Bollo, where are they?
- (groans)

When you are the moon,
you pretty much split people down the middle.

Some people go, "Ah, look at the moon."

"He's all gentle, he has a nice white face,
hanging in the sky. He's nice."

And the other half go, "Ugh, he's
a vanilla rapist! Get him away from my kids!"

Hey, guys. Good to see you.

Hey. Nice shoes.
Straight upstairs.

- Hey, Chris de Burgh!
- Hey, Bollo!

High five. Heh-heh-heh!

Chrissy, up you go.
Love your work!

If it was all on fire in a bin. Hmph!

(dance music)

- Ooh! Freestyle!
- These corsets are really working, Lester.

What did I tell you, Howard?
Women love men with knockers.

Oh, yeah! Don't look now, but I think we're
getting a little bit of attention from the ladies.

Oi, sweetheart...

wrap this shit up - you're having a nightmare.

I've been booked to play here.

No one's feeling it.
You're not in your bedroom now.

- This is some ugly shit.
- Step aside, Pink Hair.

Let the H-Man take control.

(dance music continues)

- Hey.
- Coming out? It's heaving.

- I'm waiting for the right time to emerge.
- What are you, a pupa?

It's important to arrive late,
even at your own party.

- It's my party.
- Oh, yeah, these people are here for you.

- I'm letting you bask in the glory on your own.
- Hurry up, OK? Or you'll miss my speech.

- What?
- I'm doing a small speech,

about safety precautions
and fire exits and stuf.

- Might even pop a couple of jokes in.
- Please don't.

We all like having fun, but it's even more fun
when we can have safe fun.

(dance music)

I've got it, Saboo!
A concept is formulating.

Fleetwood Mac's Tusk in its entirety.

Oh!

Watch the room crumble
at the awe of the H-Man.

Are you insane? There's at most one track
I could get away with, of maybe Rumours.

Oh, come of it!
Tusk, in its entirety -

with the pauses, as Lindsey Buckingham
intended it to be heard.

Why don't you just give me a.44?
I can spray my brains on the decks.

- Oh, what is your beef with the Mac?
- The same beef every right-thinking man has.

They are bullshit munchers!

- Start thinking outside the box.
- The box is there for a reason.

To keep bald men like you inside it.

You are so square!
What do you want to lay down?

I would like to play "Would I Lie To You?"
By Charles and Eddie.

Aaaargh...

- All right, fair enough. Good choice.
- Thank you.

- Slam it down.
- Can we have the music of for a minute?

- Who's this joker?
- Howard Moon. It's my party. It's my birthday.

Oh, happy birthday, son.
How old are you?

- 32.
- Oh! You're older than me.

Hi. Hello. I just want to say thanks
for coming... to my birthday.

Thank you very much.
Didn't know I had so many friends.

- Who are you?
- Ha-ha! Who am I?

Who are you? Right back at you.

Oh, a little announcement to the owner
of a blue Mazda which is parked outside:

Get another car.

- (bangs mic) Hello?
- My God, look at his breasts!

Yep. Um, so... it's my birthday.

The big 3-2. Time flies, eh?

Especially when you're having fun.
A few ground rules:

Don't go into the shop - there are objects
that could get broken and are valuable -

and my room's out of bounds.

Unless you're a young attractive girl
who likes jazz -

and then it's just down there,
on the right. Ha-ha!

(nervous laugh) Lester Corncrake there,
good friend of mine. Whoo!

Uh, I don't really know him that well.
I just met him on the bus.

Ha-ha! Ow!

Yeah, so... Well, it's been a crazy old road,
I tell you that.

Phew! Seems like only yesterday
I was a young guy in Leeds

with a head full of dreams
and a passion for jazz-rock fusion.

But I followed those dreams and that passion,
and they took me to Doncaster...

(electro music)

(cheering)

Friends. People of Camden.
You are the chosen ones.

- He's amazing, Who is he?
- Is he Christ?

You have been brought here for one purpose,
and one purpose alone:

To bask in the glory of my outfit
and party like you've never partied before!

(cheering)

Oh, yeah, and it's Howard's birthday as well.

- Music.
- (electro music)

I know it's the extreme-sports calendar shoot
this weekend, but I just can't make it.

No, I'm not going to Naboo's party.
I've got a headache. It's practically a migraine.

Oi, you, bighead! Come over here.

- I've got to go now. Bye.
- Lend me a pound. I know your sister.

- Yes. I do not have a sister.
- Don't backchat me, bighead. I'll bust you up.

This bighead business... I actually have a
relatively small head for a man of my stature.

I like your hat, man. Can my mate Ricky
borrow it? Cos he likes it.

- This would not suit Ricky.
- The thing about Ricky is, hats do suit him.

- He's got one of those faces.
- That may be so,

but it's forbidden for a peasant
to touch a shaman's garments.

Wicksy, bust out the knife.
Jab up this joker!

Ah, swordplay!

Easy!
I've gotta go to Costcutter for my mum.

- Argh!
- Urgh!

OK... to Oddbins.

(dance music)

- Hey!
- Thanks for upstaging me, Vince.

Sorry. I have to make a big entrance like that
so everyone feels they've had contact with me.

- Are the Queen Mum? Where's my present?
- It's coming. I've ordered it.

Sure it is. It's my birthday, remember?

- You're not having a good time?
- You're picking up on that?

- You're tense.
- I am. Where's that girl?

- What girl?
- Pencil-case girl. The one I had magic with.

Why do you always fixate on one girl?
You gotta play the field more.

If I don't get some action soon, I'm going gay.

- What, you?
- What's so funny?

- You're the least gay person ever.
- You've got me all wrong.

- I could go gay like that, sir.
- It's not like buying a ladder.

I've seen men checking me out.

- Have you? You're ridiculous.
- Checking out my hot pumpkin ass.

Anyway, that is so out of the blue,
you've creeped me out.

- Don't worry, I don't fancy you.
- All men do - I'm the Confuser.

(camp voice) "Is it a man? Is it a woman?
Not sure if I mind."

- Can you sort me out with someone?
- Let's play some party games.

- Sounds good.
- Get you into the spirit. It's your birthday.

I'll grab some girls, yeah?
You go down to Naboo's shop.

- All right. Hang on, that's out of bounds.
- Rules are meant for breaking.

Sometimes rules are best bent,
just to breaking point...

Can you just get downstairs, please?

In you go. Hey, Brad Pierce.
Shaun Richards. Easy tonight.

Hey, where do you think you're going?
Who are you?

- I am a parka person.
- Bob Fossil. No way!

Come on, Bollo, let me in.
For old times' sake. Please?

Bollo under strict instructions -
no Bob Fossil.

Listen, do you take bribes?
How about this?

- It's a key to a bike I had in the '70s.
- No.

Um... a song?

♪ I am singing

- No.
- How about I talk to you like a baby?

- (baby voice) Hi, Bollo.
- No.

Come on, Bollo.
Remember Paris?

Listen, Fossil, I'll give you five seconds.

If you're still here, I'll pull your head of.

Keep your hair in check, carpet man!
I got plenty of other parties to go to.

Note to self:
I got no other parties to go to.

Yes, and the clever part is,
I didn't even have a Micra!

- Yeah, that's a dynamite story.
- Yep.

Oh, wow! They're really coming
out of the walls, aren't they, Naboo?

- Who?
- The ladies.

- Yeah. How is your wife?
- Well, she's good.

As long as she doesn't find out
what goes on here.

- You want me to cover for you again?
- I love my wife,

but when I see these chiquitas...
drives me insane.

- What do you do?
- I don't do anything.

- What's your secret?
- This is my secret.

My God!

Smooth as the bonnet of a Porsche.

When you are the moon,
when you look at Earth - the Earth -

the only thing you can see
is the Great Wall of China.

So when I went for an eye test the optician
said, "Can you see the Great Wall of China?"

I said, "Yeah, but it's a bit blurry."

He said, "Is it better now?"

"What about now?"

"Can you see it now?"

"And if I do this?"

"And what about now?"

"And what about... Better or worse?"

"Is it more fuzzy?"

"Has it come into focus?"

"And now?"

By this time,
his face was really close to mine -

it was frightening in the dark!

We're gonna play a little game now,
a little game called spin the bottle.

- My kind of game.
- Carla, grab us that bottle from the side.

Yeah, sure.

Cheers.
Howard, do you want to do the honours?

Don't mind if I do, sunshine.

- Have you ever done this before?
- Course.

The call me the Spindoctor. Ha-ha.

Chicka chicka!

I can make this bottle land wherever I wish.

Best out of three?

Best of five?

- What the hell's going on here?
- Cool your boots. It's spin the bottle.

Yeah, with my bottles.
This is valuable, ancient stuf.

- Oh, my God. Nobody move.
- What?

This is bad. Bad juju.
This is no ordinary bottle you smashed.

- What do you mean?
- This had a demon inside.

- What?!
- You've released it.

- Where is it?
- It's hiding.

- Where?
- Inside one of you lot.

Actually, it's gonna be all right.

This demon only possesses
the body of a virgin.

Aaaaargh!

Get it out! I can feel it inside me!

Only joking.

It's just an ordinary bottle.

- (someone clears their throat)
- Now everyone get out.

- Where do you think you're going?
- Um... with you?

Wow! I love your outfit, it's amazing.
You look like an Eastern princess.

- Who are you?
- An extreme-sports calendar model.

- Cool.
- Now come here.

- Sorry, what did you say?
- An extreme-sports calendar model.

- Wait. You're not the head shaman's wife?
- Yes. He's upstairs.

- What are you doing, then?
- What he's been doing to me for six months.

Yeah, not with me, you're not.
He's got a sword.

I gotta get out of here.

- Nice little place you've got here.
- Oh, shit! Shh.

- How's it going?
- Vince is great, but Howard's a jerk-of.

What?

- Who goes there?
- There's someone in my stockroom!

Show yourself.

- Hello, Dennis.
- Methuselah! What are you doing here?

Never mind about that, What are you
doing here? Where's your "migraine"?

Um... it-it cleared up.

- Who was in there with you?
- A young and handsome man.

- I'm going to slice him in two!
- Oh, Dennis!

- Who is he?
- I will never tell you.

- Perhaps you don't need to tell me.
- Dennis...

Out of my way!
I'll deal with you later.

(dance music)

Ugh!

- These alcopops taste kinda funny.
- It's a glowstick, you berk!

Do us a favour.
Hide this cape, will you?

Don't mind if I do, Vince. I've always
appreciated your style and everything.

Ah! There you are!

Prepare to die, you prancing tit!

(demonic roar)

Whoo-whee!

Skiddy-de-bip-bip-bop! She-bop!

Ow! Ooh! My head!

Let that be a lesson to you all!

Dennis, you dimlo! What the fuck are you
doing? That's the wrong geezer.

- You flipping truncheon!
- (Harrison) Oh!

Oh. Right.

Yep, sorry about that.
As you were.

- Hi.
- Hi. What are you doing here?

Head shaman's gone mental - thinks I got of
with his wife. He's gonna chop my head of.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm in hiding.

- What?
- Hiding from the shame and embarrassment

- that is my birthday party.
- It doesn't matter that you're a virgin. It's fine.

Women respect that. They don't mind
that you've not gone beyond a kiss.

- You've never kissed anyone, have you?
- So?

- Ever held anyone's hand?
- I don't like people touching me.

Anyway, I've had deeper relationships in
my mind, at a distance, than you'll ever have.

- The incident with the binoculars?
- That was never proved, OK?

- It was in the Guardian!
- Look, I don't flit about. I don't play the field.

When I make that leap across
the physical boundary, it'll be forever, sir.

(grunt)

Ah, there you are, you prancing kingfisher.
Prepare to die!

I'm not interested in your wife.
We were just in a cupboard together.

Just in a cupboard with
an extreme-sports model? I don't think so!

I'm not interested in your wife.
I'm in love.

- The lies of a backtracking worm!
- I'm in love with Howard.

- Oh, yeah, we're in love.
- Prove it.

Ugh!

Ugh...

- Huh?
- I'll go and rethink a few basic principles. Bye.

Bye.

- (chuckles) Thanks, Howard.
- Thank you.

- What?
- Thank you for the gift of love.

- It was just a kiss!
- A light went on. You flicked my switch, baby.

You've got to stop falling for people
who give you a bit of afection.

- Don't pretend you don't love me.
- Love?! Howard, you've gone mad.

- That's what this is all about - me and you.
- What do you mean?

The arguing, the bickering,
it's because of sexual tension -

the deep, powerful, molten sexual tension
that's been brewing up between us.

- I don't think it was.
- You've shown me the way...

- You're gonna fall.
...given me the keys.

- The keys to what?
- The keys to a whole new kingdom.

A whole new kingdom of gaydom!

I'm a gay! I'm a massive gayist!

Whoo! Pucker up.

(both yell)

- (boing)
- (both) Argh! Whoo!

- (boing)
- Told you I'd got you a present.

- You could have wrapped it.
- How cool is this?

- Howard, hi.
- Hi!

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you. You came back!

- Yeah.
- Sorry, what's going on here?

- She came back.
- Did she? Great.

- I thought you loved me.
- That was a momentary lapse.

Listen, Fiddler on the Roof,
we kissed up there.

What goes on on the roof stays on the roof.

- Maybe I should leave you two alone.
- Yeah.

We're having relationship problems.
Nick of and get some Twiglets.

Don't go anywhere. Wait there. Vince,
you're a great guy, but... the timing was of.

Unbelievable! I've never been chucked in
my entire life, now I'm being chucked by you!

- You'll meet someone else.
- I'll never love again.

- Hi.
- Hey!

- Forget it. I'm over you.
- Care to bounce?

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh, such a good time

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Shoes all in a line

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Everybody somersault

♪ Somersault, summertime
Everybody sing along

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh, such a good time

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
White socks slipping down

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Stilettos are a no-no

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh!

♪ Bouncy, bouncy
Ooh!

♪ Every time I bounce
I feel I touch the sky!

Well, looks like everything
turned out all right.

It was one hell of a party!

Oh, all right? Who are you?

- Hey...
- You're one hot shape!

...I'm an old blind man!
- Come here!

- No! What are you doing?
- Give it to me!

- Take it like a man!
- Skiddly-doo-no!

- Argh!
- Yes, it's an outrage!

- A little to the left!
- An outrage!

- Oh, yeah! No! Argh!
- An outrage!

Oh! Feel my multi-hexagonal
textured alien barbed penis...

- Skiddly-doo-no-no! I don't like it!
...deep inside you!