Original subtitles

So, what can I tell you about Eve Wilde...

that you don't already know?

Well, for starters...

she absolulely hates being called grandma...

or grandmother or anything with grand in it.

So, she's just plain old Eve to both you and me.

You probably do know she's been married before.

Right?

But the only one you really need to pay attention to...

is Laurence, Husband Number One and my personal favorite...

because, he is technically my grandpa.

But guess what?

I can't call him that either. Actors.

Eve and Laurence met in New York...

where Laurence was studying to be a famous actor.

And Eve wanted to be an actress...

but well, you know how that ol' chestnut goes.

Life's what happens while you're busy making plans.

Laurence got cast as the lead in this big comedy...

and he got Eve a part in it too...

which was super-cool of him.

But when the film came out, all of the reviews said...

Hello, a star is born.

But they weren't talking about Laurence.

By the time Eve was one of the biggest stars in the world...

she and Laurence were exchanging...

humorous divorce gifts.

A silver cowbell for Eve to wear around her neck...

so Laurence would always know she was coming.

A birdcage for Laurence...

so that the next Mrs. Darling couldn't get away.

I'd say Eve is on the whole...

what you'd call a positive person.

She says that her whole life has been one long fairytale...

and everything.

But I might just disagree with Eve here.

I might say, in everything, except love...

which frankly, if you knew the family...

would be considered the family hurdle.

But all that was about to change.

Like the lightning that precedes thunder...

my eyes took in what my heart knew an instant later...

that this was love.

Love at first sight.

So I'm making a film for Eve of the weekend.

It's my wedding gift.

And from prior experience...

I can say it'll have a little bit of all the genres...

comedy, drama, musical, and of course documentary...

which is my forte because...

I like to think I ask the tough questions.

I bet it was the Swedish nanny...

who jumped you when you were like 16.

Excuse me?

Mom told me. She said that girl was totally your type.

Bad girl.

Oh my god. Mackenzie, that is so inappropriate.

Come on, it was the Swedish nanny, right?

Actually, my first love was...

My first love...

Okay, so he's doing this whole drum-roll...

thing because deep down, he wants to say it was my mom...

but instead, he's just trying to think of something funny.

That's my mom and dad in this band they had.

Mom said there were a lot of guys...

trying to get her attention, but she only had eyes for him.

She said he wrote the most dreamy music.

Thing is, he still does, just not for her.

My first love was a crème brûlée...

that I had in the south of France when I was 12.

You're so emotionally retarded, Dad.

Thank you. All right, hang on.

Hey, Jimmy.

I'm patchin' Ethan in.

- Okay. - But I got everything...

all of Harold's numbers, bank accounts, loans, debts...

My Uncle Jimmy has fallen in love...

like a gazillion times.

He says he's a romantic.

- Look. - Jimmy?

There he goes again.

Jimmy? Jimmy, you there?

Sorry, what? Sorry, where was I?

Having your suspicions confirmed.

Right, confirming my suspicion that people who write serious...

novels have a relatively small pot to piss in.

Which is why this fucking prenup is a whole...

Dad!

- Hey, honey! - Hi, Dad.

Your bus was very late.

Yeah, I know. I was on it. Dad, this is Pink.

- Pink? - Hey, dude.

She's coming with us for the weekend.

Well, honey, it's kind of a special weekend...

don't you think?

Well, I brought a friend to her last wedding.

But you were five.

I brought a friend at your last wedding.

Thanks, babe.

Please, I finally erased that whole debacle from my memory.

Where's the car?

- Right there. - Come on.

Hello?

Where the hell's Ethan?

My Uncle Ethan says...

he's never getting married.

Oh! Fuck, my god!

He says, why would he...

with all the interesting people...

he meets on social media these days?

Good boy, Yoyo. Good boy.

Oh, hey, Guy. Yeah. You heard the new tracks?

Okay, so I'm gonna have the number one album...

and the number one tour...

if you pull your finger out of your ass.

Do your job. I want arenas.

- Oh, honey, look, look. - No.

- Mom, please! - Yes, yes, yes.

Hey, can you pull over? Yes, yes, right here.

The problem is that when...

it comes to relationships, examples have to be set.

But in my case, the adults setting them...

are quite possibly the worst examples known to man.

Mom, Mom, that slope near the boathouse...

somebody's gonna go ass over backwards into a lawsuit.

Well, it leads down to the lake. I don't want to board it up.

Well, can we at least put up a couple of signs?

Al, could you make up a couple of signs that say...

Beware of steep slope?

- A sign? - Hello.

- Yeah, a sign's gonna save us... - Oh, you're here.

a million dollars if someone falls...

- We're in here, Mom! - Hi.

Sam.

Oh, Sam can't pass a vintage clothing store...

without begging me to stop.

- Hello, darling. - What's up, buddy?

- Oh, that's for you. - Come sit down.

- You look beautiful. - Thank you.

Sam, just do what I do.

I donate all the clothes Mom gives me.

I think your mother has a charming fashion sense.

So do I.

- This is lovely. - Yeah.

Sam! Tell me, how is your father?

He's in Miami.

Yeah. Sebastian and I broke up.

Why?

Well, you know, it was either that...

or I was gonna strangle him.

Sure, the go-to options.

So, Eve.

What can you tell us about your first love?

There was a beautiful boy, Cosmo.

He was the reason I joined the theater class...

where I met Laurence.

Of course, Cosmo wasn't interested in girls.

Yeah, duh. Of course, his name is Cosmo.

All right, so what, your first love was Laurence?

I remember the first time Laurence and I rehearsed.

He looked at me with that smoldering stare that he has.

I mean, you know, you know the one.

I know it well.

And it was, goodbye Cosmo, hello Laurence.

♪ It's scratchy songs that earn you fame

Now of course, Laurence has had the career...

every actor would dream of having...

unless of course, you're Laurence Darling.

He's recognized as a great actor.

I'm just a simple movie star.

And he could find that very annoying.

Morning.

Morning.

- Boys, boys, boys. - Dad!

It's so good to see you. Why isn't it more often?

Probably 'cause you never return any of our calls.

Dad, Dad, Dad.

It was a rhetorical question, James.

We all have such busy lives now.

Laurence.

- The Lady Eve. - How are you?

I am grand.

I have come to see you off again.

Maybe we'll get it right this time.

That's why I'm here, to make sure that...

this one is a keeper.

You are so thoughtful...

as if you'd have any idea what a keeper was.

Laurence!

I'm sensing a theme here.

Are all the exes invited?

Just the ones Mom likes.

And they're still alive.

Well, I'm glad I still qualify.

Has the great man arrived?

Not yet. His sense of timing's even better than yours.

Upstaged again?

Bad girls?

Right. Bad Girls, Bad Girls...

Dad, come on. It was one of her biggest hits.

Oh yeah, got it.

Eve steals into a prison, an Indonesian prison...

to save her daughter, who's wrongly accused of murder.

Okay, and, it ends?

Oh, fuck...

Hang on, just a minute. Oh, yes.

It turns out, the daughter actually did it...

but Eve takes her place on the scaffold anyway.

Actually, it's a rip-off of Tale of Two Cities.

Dad, I think it's very romantic...

that you're going to all this effort.

Thank you, Clemmie.

Romantic? He's an absolute bloody miracle.

♪ You're an angel from up above

♪ Send down to give me love

Dad?

Dad.

I'm sorry.

It's a big day here.

- Waiting for Harold. - It's a very good day.

Harold, man.

Mum. Mummy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here they come. Here they come.

Oh, he's goin' around the wrong way.

All right, everyone, behave, behave.

Our new family.

Four.

Welcome! Welcome!

And there's number five.

Oh, right!

This is my daughter, Clemmie.

- Hello, Clemmie... - Hi.

- I've heard so much about you. - Lovely to meet you.

- My daughter, Rose. - Hi.

Rose, yes.

And this is Rose's friend, and almost third daughter.

- Saffron. - Hello.

- Come meet my family. - Yeah.

- There's Jimmy, my oldest. - Hey, Jimmy.

- James. - James.

- And then Rory. - How are ya?

- Hi, Rory. - Ethan.

Yeah, Ethan.

Back there with the camera is Mackenzie.

- Hi, Mackenzie. - Whose mother is Priscilla...

- who was married to Rory. - Priscilla.

And here's Sam.

You are doing? Hi.

My daughter, Mackenzie.

- We got Lara. - Hi, Mackenzie.

- Hi, Mackenzie. Nice to see you. - Hi.

My nephew, Dylan, my brother's son...

who sadly couldn't be here.

- And... - You're who?

- Dylan. - Dylan, hi.

And, Laurence, the father of my sons.

And Husband Number One, what a great pleasure.

I am a big fan.

The pleasure is all mine. I'm a bigger fan.

So you guys are in here.

Oh, thank you very much.

According to Wikipedia...

Harold Alcott writes novels about love...

that are tragically comedic.

Which means, he's gonna fit right in with this family.

I missed you.

Well, that's your fault.

It's because you have so many books to pack.

Well, I'm a writer.

Just as long as you have that book...

with the pictures that we like.

The Pompeian Bathhouses, yeah, those saucy Romans.

I brought it in my hand luggage.

Get out. Stop it...

Did the cat get the cream?

What cream?

Silver Fox.

Major hottie for an old guy.

Oh, you know, hang on here, you guys.

You make me sound so superficial...

like it's all about his granted good looks, and not about his...

big whoopee-doo-doo.

Do I really have to hear this?

Did I wanna hear about you and Priscilla...

and the best sex of all time?

Hey, hey, hey!

I never said that.

- Really? - Really?

Do not repeat that to Mackenzie. Do not!

It wasn't the greatest sex of my life...

it was the greatest sex of his.

Seriously?

Hello?

Hello? Hi, yes.

I'm trying to track down an employee of yours.

She drove the Montauk bus yesterday that arrived at 11:45.

Actually, I say it arrived at 11:45...

but in point-in-fact, it was very, very late.

Why do I wish to contact her? Is that any business of yours?

I mean, I could be an estate attorney.

So, what does marriage mean to you?

What's your experience with that?

Well...

my parents fighting, people getting divorced.

Whoa, okay.

You're being a little bit of a Debbie Downer here. All right?

What about first love?

What's your experience with that?

First love?

Let me give that some thought.

Dylan! Dylan, I'm still filming!

Dylan.

Girls, you know that crazy, warm sensation you get...

when you cross your legs and squeeze really tight?

Well, the first time I had that...

the weirdo in me was thinking about Dylan.

But what would, of course, get tongues wagging...

around these parts is that Dylan and I are...

technically first cousins.

But first cousins once-removed.

So there's like a 3% chance our kids would have like...

15 fingers and three eyes.

Okay, the first love question was a bit leading...

as Dylan and I have already kissed.

But, it was last summer and I haven't even seen him since.

Anyway, it raises that age-old question.

You know, can you ever go back?

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Though, I think maybe a couple more here...

possibly another hydrangea?

I think that'd be very nice.

The last thing I would call either of us is selfish.

In fact, the term generous to a fault springs to mind.

But in this instance, I suggest we put it to the vote...

to keep our one solitary decanter of liquid nectar...

a secret from the vin ordinaire drinkers...

and rendezvous back here après le diner.

I second that motion and say, Aye...

Aye.

Harold and I will meet you back here.

Yes, Harold.

He's a fine wine man, is he?

Money pay me

Money pay me

I don't wanna fuckin' talk to you asshole

Fuck you

Hey.

Ciao.

Sorry, Grandma.

It will probably surprise you...

to learn that Ethan speaks five languages...

Portuguese among them.

So he understood every word...

of Saffron's phone call to her quote Grandma...

and explains the grin she was referring to.

How 'bout we go on a little ride?

I got some delicious magic mushroom chocolates.

You up for it?

Mm, very naughty.

Half will get ya really high, easy.

Here.

To you.

Cheers.

So how's it going with the young actress?

Young is a relative term, she's 36.

She went back to her boyfriend, at my suggestion, of course.

They're getting married. Must be catching.

I'll probably be at that wedding, as well.

Ah, so that leaves a position to be filled.

Already filled.

So, tell me, am I giving you away for good this time?

Harold is an extraordinary man.

That he is, but will he understand your way of thinking?

I don't think that way anymore.

Fame, success, the flattery...

I'll leave it all to you.

Thank you. I'll take it.

That's very generous of you.

Eve didn't tell you I was coming, huh?

Oh, I wonder why.

Well, maybe she thought you'd have a problem with it.

- Oh, hey! - What's up, guys?

- Hey. - Wear less!

Okay, that happened.

Look.

A rock 'n roll tour is not a place...

for a 16 year old girl, come on.

Well, why don't you come?

Oh, sure.

What, now that Sebastian is no longer needed?

Sure.

- Oh, honey. - What?

- I think I'd rather be dead. - Shit.

- Okay, good night. - Okay, good night.

All right, now who's shaggable?

I don't know, I can't decide between the...

beautiful 17 year old boy...

Saff! Or the naughty 30 something year old...

that you were tarting around with last night.

He's much more up your alley.

- Right. - He's all yours.

How 'bout you, Clem?

Who would I tell you, Tweedleslap and Tweedleslapper?

- Oh my god! - Come on, Clem!

Dad.

Yeah?

Eve's one and only Golden Globe was for, A...

Loves of a Blonde, or B, Blonde Love?

Loves of a Blonde.

Wrong. It was actually for Blind Lover.

That's a trick question. That's not fair.

An early wedding present.

What is it?

I got sent this the other day...

and they want the two of us to be in it playing mother and son.

Oh, that's imaginative casting.

It's actually a really good script.

You should think about doing it.

I'm in a wheelchair, you end up in a wheelchair.

Last scene is the two of us dancing in wheelchairs.

Lot of crying scenes.

Really? I'm retired. You do it.

It's a both-or-nothing deal.

- Will you at least read it? - Oh, honey.

Come on, on your honeymoon. Gotta get out of bed sometime.

- Bow-chicka-wawa. - Oh, that is so bad.

You are my son!

- Where're you guys going? - Venice.

That's original.

Well, it was Harold's idea.

I didn't wanna start off as a difficult wife.

Then don't be a difficult mother.

Okay. Eve and Harold's wedding song, take one.

♪ Bet the house, bet the farm, fourth time is a charm

♪ It's amazing what a book tour can do

♪ He's tall debonair and he's still got his hair

♪ Coolest couple in Vanity Fair

♪ Six weeks is all it took

♪ Two books and the sales are strong

♪ You know you can never go wrong

♪ When love comes along you never go wrong

♪ When love comes along

♪ You never go wrong when love comes along

♪ You never go wrong when love comes along

I think it's very adult of you to be this civilized.

I mean, not everyone...

would have their ex-husband at their wedding.

My mum would turn into The Exorcist...

if Dad showed up at her wedding.

Oh, god.

Projectile green vomit. Head 360. The whole thing.

She still really hates him.

Dare one ask why?

Oh, well, as Dorothy Parker once said...

Hogamous. Higamous. Man is polygamous...

Higamous. Hogamous. Woman is monogamous.

I doubt Dorothy Parker actually said that.

Yes, it has a man's fingerprints all over it.

Yes, it sounds suspiciously self-serving.

You know, if it helps explain anything, Rose...

Mom and Dad here were like the poster couple for divorce.

Yeah, they gave each other divorce gifts.

Really? What?

Oh, I've forgotten.

Me, too.

Actually, one time, Mom took the three of us out of the country...

for a vacation and she didn't get Dad's permission.

Dad waited patiently until we got back, and then...

had Mom arrested at the airport and put in prison for the night.

What a guy.

Character-building.

And when Dad came back after having been away working...

for three months...

he found that Mom had completely redecorated the suite...

and put it on the bill.

Yes, it was much more cheerful.

Hello, there!

Hey! Ole!

My best man!

I just think we have to make at least one attempt...

to get Mom to do a prenup.

I don't know. She's done quite well for herself, so far.

Yeah, but so far, all of her husbands have had money.

Except for you.

- 'Course. - Yeah.

So what does true love mean to you, Mother?

True love?

Well, you know, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Which is what I keep saying about those songs, Mom.

- What songs? - Your new ones.

What do you know, anyway?

You sing along with Les Mis.

Mommy is a rock goddess. Mommy is a rock goddess.

A couple of my novels that were turned into films...

sent me to bed with a bottle of scotch.

Oh, well, that's where the films I'm usually in these days...

always send me.

And why I'm in graceful retirement.

Yeah. But that is such a pity, Eve.

You played some great roles.

Has she... she has.

Harold has seen all my work.

You've seen all of Eve's films?

Yeah.

Seriously?

Well you know, nearly all.

And which performance do you treasure the most?

Well, I'd have to say...

it was the first time I saw you on screen.

You were playing a waitress in a diner...

who kept getting the orders wrong.

And you nearly killed this poor guy who had a nut allergy.

It was hilarious.

Available Man. Laurence got me that part.

Yes, I also played the guy with the nut allergy.

Though, that wasn't Eve's first leading role...

it was meant to be, anyways, supporting.

Well obviously, yes.

In a leading role, I would have to say...

Bad Girls was very moving.

Look, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Just, can you get a prenup here by tomorrow?

Dance party!

Here we go.

Taking us down the road. Let's do it.

Step, and down.

Okay.

Step, step, clap, clap.

Work it, girl. Work it!

Here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, come on. You can get this! - H'yah! Fuck off!

- These are our tarts! - Get outta here.

Okay. Again.

Do you really think he's seen all your films?

Of course not...

but I think it's sweet that he pretends he has.

And you never miss it?

Oh, god, no.

We always did it for different reasons.

We did?

Yeah. You did it...

Well, you still do it for the work...

for the challenge of the work...

for the absences the work affords.

I always thought of the family as integral to my work...

and you thought of it as detrimental to your work.

Did I?

Well speaking about mixing family and work...

Ethan has this movie he wants me to act in with him.

Good part?

A mother in a wheelchair, apparently.

Do you think it could be changed to a father in a wheelchair?

Possible Oscar bait. He walks away with it.

I'm supporting.

I'm supporting.

We start out supporting and we end up supporting.

- Hi. - Hola.

My sister wants to know where Harry Potter is.

Who?

That's Dylan.

He's your boyfriend?

He's my cousin.

My sister says, oh, good.

Good?

He's actually my first cousin...

He's my first cousin once removed.

- Hola. - Hi.

Como estas?

I'm good.

So how old are you?

Okay.

Do you need some help?

Sure.

But first, I have to confess something.

Okay.

I had my first serious snog to...

Up All Night In The Diner With Julie.

Snog.

That's English for, make out, right?

Yes, but with lots and lots of tongue.

All right, well, that was a great choice to snog to.

It was amazing.

I'm glad to hear it.

So being a bit of a fan, can I ask you three questions?

All right. Go for it.

Why did you stop writing?

Who said I stopped?

Right. Okay.

Why did you leave your band?

Oh, it was never really my band.

It was our band.

But, you know, you got a lead singer...

with a huge personality.

It was always gonna be her band in the end.

I mean, rightly so.

And is that why you left?

No, honestly, I...

You know that whole rock 'n roll lifestyle thing...

it just wasn't that important.

No fame or money?

No, it's not everything. I mean, I figured that out pretty early.

Okay, I have two questions.

- Oh, really? - Yes, I do.

What is an Orange Prize?

- Oh my god, you googled me! - No, please.

No, Eve told me one of Harold's daughters was a novelist...

and it's obviously not Rose.

She said the Orange Prize had been won.

An Orange Prize is an award...

they give to first-time female authors...

and I didn't win, I was shortlisted.

Congratulations. Was it autobiographical?

Why do you ask that?

Oh, come on, it's about an older sister...

who's kind of attractive in a bookish kind of way...

who lives with her hipster, skirt-chasing dad and...

wild-child, younger sister...

and they all live on red wine and pizza?

You read it.

Sure.

Gotta check up on my new step family.

Some of it was me, yeah, but most of it wasn't.

I can't actually cook a Chicken Kiev.

Not a problem.

But I do like books.

Obviously.

Do you know, I would prefer if you referred to me as kind of...

sexy in a librarian way, rather than bookish.

Oh, you would prefer that, would you?

- Yes. - Well, you need glasses for...

sexy librarian.

Soul patch.

Such duty as the subject owes the prince...

even such a woman oweth to her husband...

and if she is froward, peevish, sullen...

sour and not obedient to his honest will...

what is she but a foul contending rebel...

and graceless traitor to her loving lord?

I'm not just a fuckin' movie star.

Yeah, it's Priscilla for Guy. No, I don't wanna hold.

I don't wanna hold, I don't wanna hold!

Yeah. I wanna write a book.

About me!

You've never seen any of my films?

I don't think so.

Do you go to the theater?

- What? - Not if we can help it.

Wait, hang on. Were you in the last Sponge Bob film?

I was, indeed.

Oh my god! I love Sponge Bob!

Oh, yeah?

You actually used to be quite good-looking.

Put on some weight though.

Come on, Saffie, let's get a drinky.

Actually, I've lost weight.

What'd I miss?

My whole career, apparently.

- That's it. I'm moving out. - What?

You're killing me with the secondhand smoke...

and you don't even care.

I do care! But you're not dead yet.

Go, go over there and have the fresh air. Go on.

$50 says Dad brings up his Tony at dinner.

No way. $50 it's before the main course.

$100 it's before the salad...

and he got it for Pirandello's Henry IV.

- That's bold. - Watch and learn.

- I'll take desert. - All right, man.

So wait, wait, wait, you guys met in a jailhouse, for women?

Yeah, it's actually a really good way to meet people.

Here we go, here we go.

I, for one, would like to commend Eve...

on her optimism and her perseverance...

and of course, her courage...

in taking this plunge yet again.

- Brave girl. - I must say, I was surprised.

In fact, I would have wagered my Tony Award...

for my performance...

- in Pirandello's Henry IV... - Bastard.

against the idea that you would ever...

tread down this path again, my darling.

But having met Harold, I think I get it.

To Eve and Harold.

To Eve and Harold.

- Salut. - Salut.

Here you go.

So, lovebirds, hey...

I know it's customary to give the gifts after the wedding...

but I really wanna give you my gift now.

- Right now. - Sure.

- Love it. - Cheers.

♪ Hey little sister what have you done

♪ Hey little sister who's the only one

♪ Hey little sister who's your superman

♪ Little sister who's the one you want

♪ Little sister shotgun

♪ It's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

♪ Hey little sister who's it you're with

♪ Hey little sister what's your vice or wish

♪ Hey little sister shotgun oh yeah

♪ Little sister who's your superman

♪ Little sister shotgun

♪ It's a nice day to start again

♪ It's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

♪ It's a nice day to start again

♪ Hey little sister what have you done

♪ Hey little sister who's the only one

♪ I've been away for so long

♪ I let you go for so so long now

♪ Hey little sister shotgun

♪ It's a nice day to

Care to dance?

♪ Oh it's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

Fuck off.

♪ It's a nice day to start again

Hello, this is James Darling.

I called yesterday trying to track down the young lady...

who drove the Montauk bus, that did not arrive at 11:45.

And you asked me why I wanted to contact her.

And, well, the reason is...

when I saw her...

in her not-very-flattering jitney uniform, by the way...

when I saw her, the little voice in my head said...

This is the one!

Fuck!

- Easy, man. I'm not a horse. - What happened?

- Gentle. - Jimmy?

Jimmy?

I fucking tripped over the Beware of Slope sign.

- Oh my god, that is too funny. - All right, Mom.

It's just a grade-one ankle sprain.

There's no sign of anterior talofibular disruption.

Really, that's your professional diagnosis?

It is indeed, James.

One of the great things about acting on the stage...

is that one gets to inhabit a role.

And you might be aware...

that I have rather famously played a doctor.

Doctor Doolittle?

And your point is?

You bandaged the leg of an animatronic giraffe, singing...

If I could talk to the animals?

And I was complimented on my technique...

- by numerous physicians. - Bravo.

Actually, I would like to compliment you, Laurence...

on your very gracious toast.

I meant every word I said.

You are amazingly courageous, amazingly tenacious...

and amazingly naive.

Said the ol' cynic.

Come on, Laurence, what are you still holding out for?

I'm not holding out.

I like my birdcage empty, thank you.

Anyway, why would I want a new wife and new family...

when I already have the best ex-wife...

and raised the most perfect family any man could want?

Oh my god, Dad...

you have lived in a hotel suite for the last 30 years.

With one fucking bedroom.

When we wanted to see you, we had to check in.

I think marriage is challenging, formidable...

and to be taken very seriously...

like a great heroic adventure.

Captain Scott heading off into the Antarctic.

Does that make me the South Pole?

Where I would be very happy to plant my flag.

Yeah!

Look at this one!

See ya.

You did remember the birdcage.

How could I forget the best piece of advice...

an ex-wife ever gave to a man?

You can't lock me up.

Lock you up?

Yes.

Oh, god.

After all these years and you had no clue.

It's not about you.

It's not? But I hate that.

No, the birdcage was so you could...

keep the next Mrs. Darling from flying away.

Like the first one did.

- It was? - Yes.

No, wait, I thought it was because, you know...

you can fly in, but then if you wanted to fly out...

you know, to meet up with other roosters...

Hello, my lady. Where's Saffron?

Gone inside.

Homemade chocolates?

They're super-delicious, and a lot of fun.

What sort of fun?

Let's just say they're in the 'shroom family.

Wanna go for a moonlight ride?

I'll go change.

Do you know what's great about us?

We've been through all the bad times.

One of the benefits of being apart so long is that...

somebody else had to take the knockout punches.

And on that note, think I'll have another drink. Anyone?

No, I won't. I'm getting married in the morning.

I should think about going to bed.

The night is young.

Eve and Laurence have started in on the merits of marriage.

It's funny how they didn't have that conversation 30 years ago.

Isn't it?

I think that's enough of that.

All right.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck.

Have you ever thought what might've happened...

if you'd never gotten me that part?

Yeah, I might've been mentioned in one of the reviews.

I meant, what might've happened with us.

I don't know.

Would it've been different? Probably.

Would it've been better? I don't know.

Better than this?

What if Harold feels there's no room for an ex-husband?

There's always room.

Ah, but maybe no more room for this.

May I tempt you?

I have a wedding dress to fit into.

You're going to be the most beautiful bride.

Hey.

You wanna bake a cake?

Okay.

Fantastic. Let's go. Come on!

- You feel anything? - Yeah!

I feel...

fucking amazing!

All right, I will chop the mint.

You pick the tune. Music is important.

So what're we actually doing here, Gordon Ramsey?

Are you familiar with the chiffonade cut?

No. What is it?

Nice! Austrian Swing.

Is that a lucky guess or an excellent choice?

No, it's not a lucky guess.

- Really? - Yeah.

I spent two nights in a soggy tent in Glastonbury...

just so I could shake my bum to these gentlemen.

That's having the same effect on my ass too, right. Come here.

Okay, the chiffonade cut, you need a knife with a long, thin blade...

and a handle that you can hold like a sword.

Right.

You know, I read that list of things...

that psychopaths are good at.

And cooking is right up there at the top.

I'm almost afraid to ask how good you are.

Guy who taught me's got two Michelin stars. Let's go.

Oh my god, you're Hannibal bloody Lecter.

Oh, hi.

I was just on my way up to bed.

Okay.

Yeah...

if you see Sam, will you send him up?

Okay.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night. - Night.

You know, I'm feeling a little bushed myself.

I think it's the jet lag.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

Sleep well.

This is the best wine I've ever had.

Normally it's an okay little winery...

but 2009 knocked it out of the park.

And it goes deliciously with these chocolates.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, you're making me dizzy.

Be quiet!

- My dad... - You be quiet. My dad.

Harold!

I wasn't a very good husband.

Or father either for that matter.

Just couldn't say no...

to the work...

to the women...

to life's pleasures.

And marriage puts a stop to all that, doesn't it?

It does tend to, yes.

The cradle rocks above an abyss...

and common sense tells us that our existence...

is but a brief crack of light...

between two eternities of darkness.

Vladamir Nabakov.

Our time in the light is nearly done.

I sometimes wonder...

if we should really be saying no to anything...

before we face the long night.

So I'm making a collection of face masks.

What do you think?

You've done this professionally, right?

Well, I don't know, like I've never actually been paid for it.

So, I don't think you could say that I'm a professional.

But I've done it like 50 times...

and I've only lost two people.

- Lost? - Yeah.

Wait a minute.

The breathing part is a bit tricky.

Okay.

Stop.

You're ticklish.

Sorry, kid.

What're you made of, rocks?

All right, I can do this.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Did you lose something?

Yeah, yeah, actually.

The engagement ring that you never gave back.

Well, it's not down there.

- Really? - No.

Wanna check the other side?

Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.

Mackenzie can never, ever, ever know about this.

- Oh, god. Or Sam. - Of course, of course.

And Eve.

- Don't tell your mother. Right? - Oh, god, no, god, no, not...

And you know, Laurence... you know I love your father.

- I do. I just... - No, no, no.

God, he's the most fucking indiscreet person I know.

Okay.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Okay, I'm here. Here we go.

Just carry on.

What?

I don't know who's worse.

You for putting this on.

Or you for watching this.

It's hardly a comedy.

My love!

Yes?

My love!

Harold, are you drunk?

I just had the most smashing bottle of wine...

with your smashing ex-husband...

who I think is smashing, by the way.

Ah, well, I'm glad that's going so well.

It is, but what's not going well, my dearest, is us.

Oh, yes?

Yeah, I'm pining for you.

How can you leave me to languish on this moonlit night...

alone in my bed, and you alone in yours?

All right, Mr. Shakespeare, off you go.

It's bad luck to sleep together the night before.

- But I... - I'll bend the rules so far.

That's your lot.

I feel a lot of love about the things...

Love is in the air.

In the air. In the air. Love, in the air.

The last one's up.

Laurence, my sofa!

It's just a teensy, weensy bit of spillage.

I'm gonna get another bottle.

On the scale of bad ideas...

where do you think this one is?

I would say it's somewhere between...

when I kissed George Michael, thinking it was you...

and you remember that time I surprised you on tour?

- Oh, yeah, that was bad. - That was terrible.

- Listen, I... - Yeah, I...

Mom!

Fuck. Hey, will you turn the light out?

Why?

Mom!

Okay, I'm gonna borrow this. Okay.

What're you doing?

I was just borrowing a book. Why are you up?

I had a nightmare.

You were singing one of your new songs.

Yeah, it's pretty sick having your own blog, like...

you can just post whatever you want.

My mom or whoever can't come on and be like...

You can't post that.

Oh, whoop. My god, I do not fuckin' believe that.

- That is my phone. - Who's the Boss?

That's my phone.

- Give that to me. - It's the size of a fucking log.

Saffie, that spanking could do some serious damage.

Get the fuck off of me!

And don't you dare call me Saffie, you nosey bitch.

What?

- That star over there. - What is that?

I don't know, is it? I'm asking you.

Now who's the boss, Saffie? Slut!

God!

Yes!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Aw, fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

Oh my god.

The sofa looks like Gorbachev's forehead.

Oh, god.

I'm not gonna marry Harold.

What? Why?

I've been up all night, pacing around.

What was I thinking, getting married again?

I have my family, the people that've made the most of me.

And you know what I realized?

There is only so much room in the ol' attic.

Okay, sorry. You lost me.

New people.

All that baggage has to go somewhere.

To make room, I'd have to start rearranging everything...

that's already up here.

New or different doesn't necessarily mean better.

What am I gonna do?

Well, we've been here before, having similar conversations...

normally after the marriage has taken place.

So, in a way, I suppose we could say, we're making progress.

Come in.

It's disgusting! It's despicable!

- It's embarrassing! - What? What?

How many other of my friends have you shagged!

- Oh, not now... - Tell me, Dad!

How many are there?

- Just tell me! - What do you take me for?

What do you mean? A fucking pervert!

- Where is that... - Rose.

Rose! Darling!

Where are you, bitch?

You fucking slut! I'm gonna knock your head off!

Fucking my dad? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Wow. This got more hits than the piano-playing kitty.

What do we have here?

Looks like Harold, no, The Boss and Saffie.

If I ever see her again, I'm gonna kill her.

Although it is lucky that she happened to be outside...

with her phone.

Pink's a blogger, Dad. 'Course she had her phone.

Oh my god...

I can't believe I'm getting this...

on camera right now. Oh, yeah, The Boss is Harold.

Nice. That's awesome, Sam.

Good job, Sammy.

You knew, didn't you?

I wanted to come to see you, but I was...

wondering if maybe by now you had developed...

a spirit of wry realism...

with regards to happily ever after.

Wry realism?

Yes, well, maybe you were finally ready to live with...

bumpily ever after.

Bumpily ever after?

You think I'm making a mistake?

With Harold? No.

Harold's fine. I personally have nothing against him.

But you deserve way, way better.

You deserve to be loved...

because you've always been there to give love.

You deserve to be honored...

because you carried this family...

single-handedly on your shoulders.

And now it's your turn to take a ride.

My love, you spent the entire night pacing back and forth...

in your jammies, and you still look so damn cute.

And that deserves to be cherished.

And maybe it was no...

accident that Harold messed up last night.

Oh, Dad.

You've embarrassed us.

What you did...

it was just creepy in so many ways.

- You watched her grow up. - I know.

She was Rose's best friend, for God's sake!

I know. I never meant... It was...

I want... I just...

I packed up all my books.

I really wanted this to work.

Such a fucking idiot.

Yeah, you are.

I thought it was romantic.

I thought you'd finally found someone...

to spend the rest of your life with.

That you weren't gonna be alone.

I wasn't gonna have to worry about you...

living on cold pizza anymore.

Oh, darling, that was not our relationship.

I thought you'd changed.

I'm so, so sorry.

- Come on... - What am I gonna do?

Well, first of all...

I'm not the one you should be apologizing to.

And then, we'll all go back to London...

and to the shame of you having been caught having sex...

with a woman nearly 40 years your junior.

And then you'll have to move to Italy...

where they don't have a problem with that sort of thing.

♪ What is this thing called love

♪ This funny thing called love

♪ Just who can solve its mystery

♪ Why should it make a fool of me

♪ I saw you there one wonderful day

♪ You took my heart and threw it away

♪ That's why I ask the Lord

♪ In heaven above

♪ What is this thing called love

I gather you've heard, I've gone and ballsed this up.

My cue to exit.

No, you may as well stay.

Eve, I really wanted to be that man.

The best man, you know, for you!

You were so utterly...

fucking fabulous and gorgeous and smart and charming.

And I thought I could change.

But it's just not me.

I'm so sorry that I have caused you this humiliation.

I just wish I could have it all directed at me.

Harold.

You might want to think about growing up.

Chasing 25-year-olds at your age...

it looks very sad.

I look like a swine.

Way more sad than that.

I am so fucked!

Harold, before you start flagellating yourself...

like a monk, may I say something?

Eve is a fabulous woman. She's a major catch.

And I'd say that sadly, from experience...

you're the one who lost out here.

And, if it makes you feel any better...

the reason I'm here in her bedroom is because...

she wanted to tell me that she wasn't going...

through with the marriage, and this was before...

you broke the internet with your...

Legends of the AARP vine.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

You know what?

When it comes to apologizing for parents who behave badly...

we are a family of world champs.

- Thank you. - Sure.

I did not expect this weekend to pan out like this.

No.

How is everybody?

Rose and Saffron aren't speaking.

I don't think they ever will again.

That bad, huh?

Well, not until they both coincidentally...

have teenage children in rehab in Minnesota.

How 'bout you?

I think I'm done trying to worry everyone...

into making the right decision.

They always make the same stupid decision...

they were going to anyway.

I think it's my turn to make a stupid decision actually.

I'm sorry, that was really stupid, wasn't it...

No, no, no, no.

I can be way more stupid than that.

So how did you see this weekend panning out?

Well, kinda like this.

And what gave you that impression?

How we chop mint.

We've got the same taste in music.

That is important.

Yes, it is.

And...

you got a whole lotta new material for your next novel.

Oh yeah, masses.

You know what I think?

I think you should stay in New York...

and do a little research on some of the American characters.

Well, I can think of one.

Okay.

But I'm a little worried that he wants to eat me...

with some fava beans and nice Chianti.

Look, I think I oughtta tell you something.

You don't have to say goodbye. Just jump in the car.

It's great to see you.

- Thank you so much. - Bye.

Bye. Bye.

I have a lot of answering to do, to all of you...

and I will.

But for now, I want you to know...

that I'm so sorry for having let you all down.

But I promise you, we will get over this...

and we will move forward together.

Yeah. Right, Dad.

I'm stopping off in New York.

What?

Probably gonna stay for a few months.

You two are on your own.

No, Clemmie.

You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Mom...

if you sleep with your friend, does it ruin the friendship?

- Oh, well, it never did for me. - Really?

Yeah, but, I can count my real friends on one hand.

I mean, actually I don't even need one hand.

You know, the important part is...

not working on staying friends afterwords.

That's what ruins it.

But you don't have to worry about that, 'cause you know...

you're gonna have kids with like 15 fingers.

- You're gonna have way bigger... - Oh, my god.

things to worry about.

- Giant gloves. - That's not...

- Maybe mittens. - That's not even funny.

That's better, right?

All right.

I'm a good mommy.

- Yeah. - I gotta go.

- Why? - I gotta go call Sam's dad.

Okay.

Oh, god, I'm gonna have to say something.

I'll do it.

Hello, everyone. I have an announcement to make.

After much deliberation and mature reflection...

by the parties in question...

it has been mutually decided...

that the advertised wedding...

will not be going forward.

Now, I know that's a disappointment to everyone...

but, look at it this way...

at least we won't have to have pasta afta the ballet.

Too soon. Very well.

Boys.

Boys, if you would, a clever and imaginative toast, please?

To calling it off?

Well done. To Eve and Harold for calling it off.

Cheers.

To Eve and Harold for calling it off.

However, Judge McCaffery is here. Everything is setup.

Why not take advantage?

So would anyone like to get married today?

Anybody at all? It's all on us.

Actually, it's on Eve, because I'm incredibly cheap.

Anybody?

No, okay. Well, I have a suggestion.

Eve?

Eve, show yourself!

My dear, before another marriage ends in divorce or death...

why don't we just cut to the chase and tie the knot?

What?

I mean, if there is somebody else you'd like to marry...

first, before you remarry me, that's... that's fine.

Boys, what do you think?

You're on your own here, Dad.

Oh, I definitely wanna hear this.

Mom, it's Dad, so a prenup is a must.

Thanks, kids, you're out of the will.

Eve, I've done some stupid things in my life.

But that was actually the younger, dumber me.

I remember him well.

I constantly hear people say...

they're looking for the person they wanna grow old with.

But we're here now, living it right now.

I wanna grow old with you.

I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

Will you be my wife?

Will you marry me?

Again?

Yes.

Come on down here.

I do.

Then I pronounce you man and wife.

All-in-all, I would have to say, it was one of Eve's...

more entertaining family get-togethers.

Laughter, tears, love and sex.

Who could quibble?

Do you know where your grandmother is?

Sorry, one second, I'll be right back...

I just wanted to show her something.

And, could you cut the grandmother bit?

Otherwise, it's...

Actors.

♪ I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste

♪ A flannel for my face

♪ Pajamas, a hairbrush, new shoes and a case

♪ I said to my reflection, let's get out of this place

♪ Past the church and the steeple

♪ The laundry on the hill

♪ The billboards and the buildings

♪ Memories of it still

♪ Keep calling and calling

♪ But forget it all, I know I will

♪ Tempted by the fruit of another

♪ Tempted but the truth is discovered

♪ What's been going on now that you have gone

♪ There's no other

♪ Tempted by the fruit of another

♪ Tempted but the truth is discovered

Look at them.

Standing around the piano like they're singing...

The Circle of Life...

when they're actually singing a song about cheating.

See, I told you.

When it comes to my family, love is just one big mystery.

♪ Now that you have gone, there's no other

♪ Tempted by the fruit of another

♪ Tempted but the truth is discovered

♪ Well I was tempted by the fruit of another

♪ Tempted but the truth is discovered

♪ Tempted by the fruit of another

♪ Tempted but the truth is discovered

♪ Tempted by the fruit of another

♪ Tempted but the truth is discovered

♪ Now what's been going on

Wait for it.

Wait.

Going.

Going.

Gone.

Almost dark.

There.

♪ We are the ones who love you

♪ We are the ones who hurt you

♪ We are the ones who heal you

♪ I want to see into the shadows

♪ I can take a bit of madness

♪ It's lucky 'cause we've seen a lot

♪ And I never said that this was organized

♪ And I never said that we'd be fine

♪ But I know I loved you throughout all these years

♪ With you this chaos seems to bind

♪ So let's hear it for the mothers

♪ Sisters, dads and brothers, we're all in the same ol' mess

♪ I don't want to see into the future

♪ Because I'm okay if I can reach you

♪ And I'll take that above all else

♪ And I never said that this was organized

♪ I never said that we'd be fine

♪ But I know I've loved you throughout all these years

♪ With you this chaos seems to bind

♪ I never said that this was organized

♪ I never said that we'd be fine

♪ But I know I loved you throughout all these years

♪ With you this chaos seems to bind

♪ I never said that this was organized

♪ I never said that we'd be fine

♪ But I know I loved you throughout all these years

♪ With you this chaos seems to bind