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Yeah?

Uh... uh... no.

Say again?

Come on... what?

Jumping? Huh? Music?

No, mate.

Mmm. Uh...

Try next door.

Ta-ta.

You playing music now?

Yeah. Can't sleep
with the shower on.

That my protein shake?

Ow!

Ooh. Ooh! Oi! Oi!

Hey, you hear Jojo got sucked off
by a lady journalist?

Yeah, she had a deadline.

He made her give him shines
before he talked to her.

- Who told you that?
- Jojo.

You don't like Jojo?

Make a lovely couple, you two.
Who makes the tea?

You reckon he'll play tomorrow?

- He strikes the ball clean.
- Can't control it though.

Yeah, but his left foot, though.

Yeah, he thinks
he's Roberto fucking Carlos.

Hits the target about as much too.

Well, that ain't gonna help you sleep.

Doughnut.

Have to clean your teeth again!

I need some pussy, man.

It's killing me.

We could get a girl, take it
in turns, one on, one off.

You know them girls
hanging in the lobby?

Yeah. One of them
looked like your sister.

Shut up!

Oh, Kemme!

Danny and Leesy slipped them
security guys some money

to send them a couple of birds up.

- Did they?
- Yeah.

But Jojo reckons they're plants, though.

What? Like asparagus?

No, like special agents, man.

They want their home
teams to win, so they come

here and have sex with us.

Right. I'm enjoying this theory.

Because when you cum, that's
your energy gone. Everyone knows that.

What PE syllabus did your school do?

What do I need GCSEs for?
This is the Champions League, man.

We made it.

After tomorrow, ain't no looking back.

We ain't even gonna play tomorrow.

We'll just be keeping
the bench warm all game,

just like last week
and the week before.

Jase... you are having me on, right?

We're gonna start tomorrow.
I hope you do know that.

Right. We've been at this
academy since we were eight.

Uh, seven.

All them other kids
have fallen by the way.

Now, it's just me, you and Jojo.

It's that new generation,
we've been groomed.

Jase, this is our time.

I got something to show you.

Jojo and Leesy tag-teamed
these girls in Blackburn.

Nah, nah, nah. I don't wanna watch

Jojo's sorry arse bobbing up and down.

Fucking hell.

I mean, this is it.

Oi, my dick's bigger than his.

This is it, this is it.
This bit kills me.

Oh, no!

"I don't want! No!"

That is classic!

Have you seen his missus?

Leesy's? Yeah, man.

Do you feel bad for her?

No, no, no. She must have known that man's
got urges when she married him.

Always dipping his willy
somewhere he shouldn't be.

How comes it never gets in the papers?

It's not like he even tries to hide it.

He's got a deal with them.

Huh?

You got a story you wanna
keep out the papers,

and you gotta find another story. Right?

That is all, they don't actually care.

Your agent not tell you this?

Hmm? Oh, no.

My dad handles all that.

You wanna get yourself
a proper agent, mate.

See that?

What?

That.

What's that?

That is my celebration.

- That?
- Mmm.

I'm going to trademark that.
Put it on all my merchandise.

It looks like you got
a bit of dirt in your eye.

Ah, ten years from now, all the little
kids are going to be doing that.

Are they, Ade?

Yeah, you watch.

What?

Cor, you black boys.

Always moisturizing.

Hey, what was the name
of that girl you pulled in that club?

Echoes?

Echoes, Echoes, Echoes.

Go on.

Did, uh...

did she have a tight pussy?

- Was it shaved?
- Can I ask you a question, Ade?

Is it dirty?

How do you square your all-consuming
hunt for minge with your Christian faith?

What kind of question's that?

What, just giving you some practice
for all them interviews you're doing.

Yeah, well. You know...

Black warrior prince
needs his pussy, so...

- He likes talking about it.
- Huh?

More pussy than you.

You been checking?

Ignorant white man.

I wouldn't worry, Ade.

I'm sure your dad's covered you
in a blanket of prayer.

Sweet. Make fun of my dad!

Oh! He's a nutter
and you've said it yourself.

Yeah, well, he's my dad, all right?

Do you know Jesus, Jason?

Do you know him in your heart?
Straight off the bat.

- Don't start...
- "Oh, hello, Mr Lotomo.

- Do you know Jesus?"
- All right, all right.

Like, what was that, erm...
What was that thing he said? Erm...

"If there is sin in your..."

"If there is sin in your heart,

cast it out!"

"How can a man outrun the devil,
if the devil is in your heart?"

It's the longest grace I've ever heard.

My tea was cold
by the time he'd finished.

Imagine living with him.

You believe him, though?

- Some of it.
- Yeah?

- Do you pray?
- Yeah.

What for?

You should try it.

Don't you fucking dare...

- What?
- No, don't try and convert me.

- I'm just saying.
- You're a closet nut.

He cracks me up, your dad.

He likes you.

Oh, by telling me
I got the devil in my heart?

That's his... that's his way.
That actually means he respects you.

Does he ever tell you
you got the devil in your heart?

You recording this?

You'll wipe over the tape, man.

What, Jojo's skanky home porn?

There's a loss to world cinema.

Stop pointing it at me.

Oi!

What do you reckon about Deano?

- Deano?
- Mmm.

If Deano was a lolly,

he'd lick himself to death.

Yeah, a couple of weeks back after drills,
we was all in the shower...

Hmm?

And everyone was talking about squad.

These times,
we didn't know we'd be in it.

- Yeah.
- And Deano was there

and before I thought,
"This guy's a prick.

Always in your face in training,
giving you a little kick."

And he come up to me
and he's all asking me about myself.

Like, man's taking a proper interest,
you know, Deano,

he's all saying,
"Don't sweat it.

I know what it's like.
Don't worry."

And I'm thinking,

- "This guy's actually all right."
- Yeah.

And then...

Then I notice everyone is laughing,

because Deano is pissing down my leg.
The whole time we're talking,

he is pissing down my leg in the shower.

Why you laughing?

Oh, he's like that with everyone.

Oh, what, has he pissed down your leg?

Nah.

I think he's a bit racist.

Deano? Nah.

Well, not racist,
but the things he says, though.

It's a sign of affection.

Pissing on my leg?

He's from Portsmouth.

It's cultural.

Besides, he never passes it
in five-a-side.

Uh-huh. Told me he rated you.

- Did he say that?
- Yeah.

On the coach when we were playing cards.

Is that what you lot talk about?

Compared you to Bergkamp.

Bergkamp?

Said you got the potential
to be the next Dennis Bergkamp...

Or was it Dennis Wise?

Fuck off.

Ah, it was the black Dennis Wise.
That's what he called you.

- You should be on telly, mate.
- Hoo-hoo, I will be, mate.

He's gonna regret when I take his place.

Pass and move.
Drop. Pass and move.

Pass and move.

How come you do your own boots, man?

I like the smell of polish.

Get you hard, does it?

Not as hard as your sister
when she sits on my face.

- I done told you, man.
- What?

Is she not like the other girls, Ade?
Is she special?

All right. All right.

Oi, I think she likes me, though.

Ah!

Is that your ritual?

Every Saturday,
Dad would lay his paper down,

pop the telly on,

polish his boots in the front room.

Mum would go spare.

That his kit, yeah?

Come to all your games, don't he?

- Mmm.
- In his Jag.

- Yeah, one of 'em.
- "One of 'em"?

How many houses you got again?

Uh... He's a builder.

It's what he does.

Mmm.

Yeah, my dad's too busy
with his sermons.

Well, he came to that thing
you was in for your, um, drama exam.

Rah.
I forgot you come to that.

Yeah, well, you were good in that.

Yeah, what was that thing you did
where you had that

red material you pulled and then...

That was abstract movement, yeah.
That represent...

- What you laughing at?
- Nah. No, I'm just remembering.

It was...

"Oh, oh. I love this person."

- No, it was good.
- Mmm.

I was surprised you come to that.

Give us a blast.

Go on! Argh!

I can't do it to order.

Ah, too much pressure?

Make sure you wash your hands!

How'd you know how to play poker?

What's that, mate?

On the bus.

You was playing with the older lot.

- Your dad teach you?
- Ah, yeah, yeah.

He'd win my pocket money back off me.

What?

Yeah. He'd give me pocket money.

We'd play cards, then he'd win it back.

Said it was a lesson in life.

Would you teach me to play?

Jase?

Ade, it is me,

Babatunde.

What the fuck, man?

Your long-lost brother from Nigeria!

- Are you kidding me?
- Come here, Ade.

- Show your brother some love. Oh!
- Get the fuck away from me!

Why you treat me so harshly?

I've come so far to see you.

Hey, it is me.

Your brother from Nigeria
you didn't know you had.

Your father had many children.

Seriously, get the fuck away from me.

Why you so sad to see
Babatunde? Ade.

Ade, come on, mate.
I'm only having a laugh. Oi.

Oi. It's just a bit of banter.

You all right, geez?

You all right, me old diamond?

Me old china?

- Want some plums?
- I want to see your plums.

Two for a pound! Two for a pound!

Would you like a cup of tea? Crumpet,
me lady? Come and have a look!

- Yeah, mate.
- I'm on your bed, brother. What is that?

- You what? Get your hands off my plums.
- Ah!

Two plums in a brown bag!

- You want these plums?
- Oh! Oh, oh!

You what? Eh!

- Oh, ah!
- Eh! There you go.

Oh, you dirty bugger.

Oh, I just tasted
your chocolate salty balls.

Ah! I've got chocolate on my balls!

- Ah!
- No, no, no, no, no.

I'm never having chocolate spread again!

I ain't answering that.

- Oi, budge up.
- Oi!

- So, you going to teach me?
- Teach you what?

Play poker.

What? You, play poker?

What?

You serious?

Yeah.

Oh, don't be funny.

Come on, you need
a certain type of brain.

You think you're smarter than me?

Oh, shush.

Let's just leave it, yeah?

No, no, no. Oh, wait.
How much you win today?

Huh?

- Hmm?
- Oh. Oh, you lost?

Ah. Is that because
you're so good at poker?

What is this? The big boys
didn't let you into their game?

- No, how much they take off you?
- Don't know.

A monkey.

- Five hundred pounds?
- Yeah.

Yeah, Ade, pounds,
English pounds. 500 pounds.

In half an hour?

Ha-ha! Well, next week I'll win it back.

Ooh, if you're playing.

Yeah? What's that supposed to mean?

You might not be picked next week.

Well, we both might not be picked.

I will be.

Okay. So you're saying
you're better than me?

- Come on.
- Ah.

- Let's leave it, yeah?
- No, no, actually I'm intrigued.

Oh, no, no. Oh, I understand.

What?

- Ah!
- What?

I understand.

You don't understand nothing.

You're just saying that to seem
more mysterious, like you know something.

Pressure's getting to you.

It's making you act up.

I ain't the one
who messed up today, okay?

What you talking about?

What do you think I'm talking about?

Do you really want to do this?

You were supposed to be marking him.

You were supposed to be covering.

- It was your zone!
- I pushed up.

It was your zone!
That was the whole point in that session.

We were playing the overlap. That means
my man becomes your man, vice versa.

Every time before I've pushed on,
you dropped back.

- So I pushed up that time.
- I was already up.

- Look, it wasn't me coach shouted at.
- I know. I know it wasn't.

- What was I supposed to do?
- Not go flying up

when I was already up,
leaving us open at the back!

It was only a training game!

Well, I'm saying in the game,

don't leave me looking
like I lost my man.

I'm saying in the game,
don't lose your man.

Uh! We were playing the overlap.

That means my man... where you going?

- Don't just fucking walk off...
- I'm going for a piss.

- No, we were talking, don't just walk off.
- I'm going for a piss, okay?

- Oh, yes, okay.
- Good. Oh, just so as you know,

I'll be leaving a space
this side of the room.

You think it's too big, Jase, you might
want to push up and cover it.

Next time you fancy a shot at glory,

how about you give me
a bit of advance notice, you cunt?

They were laughing at you.

Deano, Leesy, laughing
at taking your money at cards

- and how you think you're one of the boys.
- That's bollocks.

Said they thought you was a bit suspect.

When was this?

- When you was in the shower.
- How do you mean?

- Different.
- Different. Different?

What's that supposed to mean, huh?

A bit...

you know, man.

No, I don't know.

A bit posh, mate.

Posh?

I'm from Stanford-Le-fucking-Hope!

You ain't exactly from the Ends, are you?

I'm having a beer.

Cracking up, is it?

Look, let's not pretend
that we don't know what's going on.

They can't keep us both on,
not with this new formation.

Yeah, I know that, Ade.
I am not thick.

There is a window.
I can see it closing.

If I'm in a better position tomorrow

and I'm on, will you pass me the ball?

This guy...

When your chance come, Jase,
you best take it,

'cause that's what I'm going to do.
It's nothing personal.

Really? Really?

Maybe I need this more than you.

This is stupid.

Look, whatever happens...

we... will always be brothers, yeah?

- Here.
- No. We got a game tomorrow.

Ade, are you leaving me hanging?

Ade...

We're brothers.

You doughnut.

Frickin' hell, man.

- What's the mat... oi!
- Ah! Ah!

- What, huh? Yeah?
- Oh, you fucker! Don't stop.

- Shall I give you a hug? Huh?
- Oh, yes, yes, don't stop.

- Do you want to squeeze me plums?
- I'll squeeze your plums.

He does it all! Matron!

Ah! Ah!

What the fuck?

- I'll feel your plums.
- Seriously, what the fuck?

- What?
- You got a fucking hard-on!

- No, I don't.
- No, you did, mate.

- I felt it. You had a fucking hard-on.
- No.

- Nah, man.
- You did.

I won't be keeping this to myself.

- Please, man. Mate, it's nothing. I...
- Oh, no, man, no.

- No, I'll tell everyone about this.
- I get nervous before a game.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Wait. Huh?

Pulling your leg.

Doughnut.

Oi, I'm pulling your leg.

Loads of people get a hard-on
before a game.

I know I do.

I get a massive hard-on.

- Do you?
- Yeah, of course.

You all right?

All right? You look scared.

Why would I be scared?

Oh.

Give us a cuddle.

You bum boy.

Oh...

oh...

- You're very huggable, Ade.
- Piss off.

Doughnut.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

- Oh, oh.
- He just popped you?

Oh, fuck. If he's broken it,
I won't be happy.

- Oh, fuck.
- I reckon it's an improvement, actually.

Oh, well, that's nice. Sympathy.

My nan hits harder than that.

Is she a bit of a bruiser?

Argh! Argh! Shit!

- Serves you right, you cheeky bastard.
- Argh!

Oh, this fucking... oh, fuck.

- Do I look sexy?
- Mmm.

Blood on your shirt, bust-up nose.
You look well fit.

Yeah? Girls like that, bit of blood.

Oh, yeah. I love a fella
who can't handle himself.

Think I broke his camera, the twat.

I know. Why do you think he was so upset?

Oh, you know what, I'd have floored him
if you hadn't got in the fucking way.

Hold your head back, soft lad.

Oh, careful, careful, careful, careful.

Ah.

Them bouncers were, like, bosh.

He was shitting himself.

I know, I could smell it.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.

- Do I not look a bit sexy? Huh?
- Oh.

- Maybes a bit.
- Ah.

Ah.

Clean yourself up, you little slut.

- Get us a shirt.
- Where are they?

Uh, should be some clobber on the bed.

Someone's been eating
their Shredded Wheat.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, you look like you're taking a shit.

What's that?
Is that your sexy face?

No.

It's my cum face.

Oh, does that happen a lot?

Getting hassle off the paparazzi?

Oh, normally they're all right.

It's all fun and games.

- I'm going to have a piss.
- Can I watch?

All right.

- Fucking hell.
- Do you want to hold me plonker?

- No, you're all right, pet.
- Well, it's your loss. It's a whopper.

Ah.

Fucking hell.

Put some music on!

Something jolly.

Remote's in the wall!

Got it!

Is this what you listen to?

What are you, 16?

Oi! Fuck off, he's a mate.

- Are you joking?
- Did my birthday out in Miami.

Are you serious?

Jesus, man.

Footballers.

Fuck me.

Are you a ninja?

- It's all right, isn't it?
- It's a bit like where I live.

Uh-huh.

Do you come here often?

Uh, yeah,

I try to stay on an extra day
if we got a game down here if I can.

They know me. They're discrete.

You got family down here?

Yeah. Mum and Dad still out east.

Mmm.

Let's do this inside.

Fuck off.
You're not on a promise.

Oh, why, you think you can resist me?

- All right. Easy, tiger.
- Oh, come on, I'm horny.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Nothing.

It's just you.

What?

You're not how I thought you'd be.

- Yeah?
- I thought you'd be less...

Intelligent?

Needy.

"Needy"?

That's the wrong word. Vulnerable.

Vulnerable? What's that mean?

It's like you need constant stimulation.

Yeah, I do need constant stimulation.

I bet you were an annoying kid
that needed constant attention.

- Teachers fucking loved me.
- Oh, you're one of those kids.

Ah. I was quite popular.

And what happened?

Oh, what?

Oh, what? Did I annoy you?

Oh, I did, didn't I?

Oh, is it 'cause I called you vulnerable?

- Let me tell you something, right?
- What, is it about you?

- My first proper game five years back,
- Your favourite subject.

- We was in Romania.
- Yeah.

It was my mate's first game, too.
Away game in Romania.

- Is it a football story? Yes!
- We were nervous as shit. Shh!

And the ball comes to me
at the edge of the box this high.

And I had a choice then...

Whether to knock it out to my mate
or take the shot, 30 yards out.

He's in a better position,
I should have passed, I didn't.

I hit it first time, bosh, top corner.

Before I had time to blink,
it had gone in, bang!

Just like that. Goal of the season.

What, so this is just a story
about how great you are?

No!

You called me vulnerable
and I'm just saying,

you got to take your chances
where they come 'cause life ain't fair,

and when it comes to it,
there ain't no room for emotion.

And how did your mate feel,
the one that you didn't pass to?

Mmm, never asked.

Is he still your mate?

Yo.

Just, uh, put it on the side there,
please, mate.

What you looking at?

Whoa.

Mm.

Come on. Show us what you got.

Come on! Come on!
Give us a private show.

It's my night off.

You were dancing in the club tonight.

- Well, that was work.
- So?

I like to keep work
and my private life separate.

Oh, yeah?

I'm just going to go and powder my nose.

- Mm? Do you mean have a piss?
- Mm-hmm.

A nice long hot one
dedicated to you.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

What?

Your moves!

Ah! All right. Yeah, baby.

What, is that your moves?

Yeah, you like?

Mm-hmm, there's plenty more
where that came from.

- Go on, then.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say you'd better call
emergency services

- 'cause some of these are dangerous.
- You nearly took me eye out.

There's, er, this.

Yeah, yeah, there's this.

What's that, ba-ba?
Oh-ba-ba-ba-ba-na, ba-ba-ba!

And there's this. There's this.

What's this? Oh! Oh, what's this?
What's this cheeky little fellow?

What's he doing, eh?
He's on fire. The boy is on fire.

What is that, Lord of the Dance?

You are in the presence
of something special here.

Ah, yeah, special's the word.

That routine you did at the club tonight,
that was impressive.

- Well, it's harder than people think.
- What, dancing around a pole?

Or kicking a ball?

- Do you like that?
- Yeah, right there. Mm-hmm.

Show us your tits.

All right. Slow down, man.

Mm-hmm. Take it off.

Come on, take it off.

Come on. Take it off.
You hear what I said? Take it off.

I said take it off. Come on.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. I can't do this.

Can't do what?

This. I can't do this. I'm just...

Is this what you're after?

Can I have my bag, please?

I'm... I'm just going to go.

No, you don't.

- Just give us me bag.
- What do you need your bag for?

- Well, it's got my stuff.
- What "stuff"?

Lipstick, tissues.

- What? Do you want an inventory?
- Yeah, what else?

There might be a bit of fluff
and a tampon, I'm not sure.

And the camera?

- Camera?
- Mm-hmm.

There's a camera on my phone,
if that's what you're talking about.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

- Right, I'm calling the police.
- No, you ain't calling no one.

I'm calling them.
You paranoid bastard.

Good. We'll have a chat with them
about this and all, shall we?

Fuck.

It wasn't my idea.

They approached me.

I've never done this before, all right?
I'm not that sort of person.

Oh, yeah. Well, apparently you are.

Look, I thought I could do it,
but I was wrong, all right?

Just... just give us me keys
and me purse.

I'm... I'm just going to go.

But you can't go.

Why can't I?

'Cause of what you signed, darlin'.

What? How do you know
what I signed or I didn't sign?

Did you know about this?

What, do you...
do you think I'm fucking stupid?

Of course I know.

Are you saying that you planned this?

What the fuck is going on,
'cause this is...

Why would you... why would you
film yourself cheating on your wife?

Was this... was this a dare or...

some way of proving that you're...

A man or...

Ah.

- Let's have a drink.
- What?

I got the mood wrong.
You know, I misjudged things.

Come on, let's have a drink.

I was just talking sexy,
you know, I was talking a bit dirty.

I was trying to get you into it.
Thought you'd be into it. That's all.

It was just sexy talk.
I didn't mean nothing.

I thought you'd like it,
but you didn't.

I got the mood wrong, so let's just...

Look, let's just take it nice and slow.

You think we're still going to do this?

Well, why not?

Why not? It'll be laugh.

- A "laugh"?
- Yeah.

Well, making a sex tape
and selling it to the papers,

that's a laugh for you, is it?

What, that's a fucking weekend for you?

Do you know what?

- No, you don't.
- I've had enough.

- No, no.
- No, you put your hands on me

- and I'll scream my fucking head off!
- Keep your voice down.

Don't tell me to keep my voice down.

Fine, but let's just keep
our fucking heads, all right?

Let's talk like mature fucking adults.

Is that what you think we are?

I want to know what's going on.

- Fuck, just sit yourself down.
- I don't want to sit down!

Oh, my fucking God.
Lyndsey, darling,

I'm gathering my thoughts, all right?

I can't think
with all this fucking hoopla.

I'm gathering my thoughts.

Je...

Jesus.

Look.

- It's nothing.
- What's nothing?

Some... some little dickhead's
shooting his mouth off telling stories.

- It's just fucking bullshit.
- What's bullshit?

It doesn't matter, what's bullshit,
because it ain't true.

Well, if it doesn't matter,
why you doing this?

Because he's telling stories.

Well, what kind of stories?

Look, uh, this is what I am trying
to explain to you, if you'd just listen.

It doesn't matter what kind of stories,

because they ain't true.

- What kind of stories?
- Look...

I'm having trouble with my wife.

That's all you need to know.

And this is your way of solving it?

Who is advising you,
Russell fucking Brand?

Look, we ain't together no more.

Okay?

We ain't together no more
and people don't know yet

and she's trying to stop me
seeing my kids.

And these kinds of rumours
are exactly the thing

- I don't need right now.
- What kind of rumours?

- Why are you laughing?
- Oh, my God.

What?

You're gay!

- You what?
- You're gay, aren't you?

That's what this is, that's what
this fella's been saying, isn't it?

Gay? Gay?

Are you out your fucking mind?
Gay? Of course I'm not gay.

Look at me. I'm a footballer.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
'Cause it's such a man's game.

All of them buff lads together
and no one ever fancies a fuck?

What, are you monks?

Don't know what you're talking about.

That's why you're always
doubling up with girls, isn't it?

Even the straight lads can't get a hard-on
without another fuckin' fella in the room.

People rely on me. I got responsibilities.
People expect things.

- What's that got to do with being gay?
- I got fans.

I got a family.
I'm a fucking role model.

A role model?

Little kids have posters of me
on their wall.

Grown men and women buy fucking shirts,

keyrings, mouse mats with my name on.

Men get razor blades
because they're the ones I use.

Japanese people drink
the same whiskey as me

and it's all because
of the kind of man I am.

So if you think I'm just going
to rock up to Mardi Gras

with fucking feathers
falling out of my arse...

- And then play football
- 'Cause that's what happens.

In front of 70,000 fans, you're in cloud
fucking cuckoo land, darling.

- Oh, my god.
- 'Cause I ain't gay.

Gay ain't even an option.

Jesus Christ, Jason,
what year do you think this is?

What year? It's fucking 1966
out there, darling, hmm?

It's fucking 1066.

You know what?
I worked hard for this.

I sweated blood, so if you think
I'm just going to give it up

'cause some scratchy little cunt
is shooting his mouth off,

trying to make a few quid, fuck off!

Do you know what?
Maybes I will sit down.

No, you stay on your feet!

Do you... do you think it's just me, hmm?

Do you think people are truthful?

The whole world is full of people
pretending to be something they're not.

The fuck I do or don't do

with my life is up to me, right?

No one else decides,
so if I say "I ain't gay", I ain't gay.

The only thing that matters is
what I do on the pitch.

So, if there are things I need
to get my head in the right place,

if I need a wife and kid,

yeah, if I need to fuck a woman,

or a man...

you know what, or a fucking apricot
for that matter, then that's what I do.

Look.

Let's just do this,

huh?

Let's just do it.

You'll get your money.

Everyone's happy.

Yeah, it's just that, erm...

I'm just not sure I want to any more,

- do you know what I mean?
- You know what?

Fuck off, as if you've got a choice.

You don't know the first thing about me.

You don't know what I need
or what I don't need.

So don't tell me what I can or I can't do.

'Cause you're not the one
that gets to fucking decide.

Look, do you want
this fucking money or not?

Nah.

I want double what we agreed.

Okay All right.

Double it is.

We'll have to, erm, reset it.

It's got us talking on it.

Have you done this before?

- Would it make a difference?
- Yeah.

Well, they were supposed to find
someone who'd done it before.

- I told them I'd done it before.
- Why?

Because they wanted someone
who'd done it before.

You're not getting me.

This isn't me.

I'm playing a role, but you'd
know all about that, wouldn't you?

- Just make it look good, all right?
- Oh, don't worry, I will.

Who is he?

Who are you thinking about?

Because I can tell by looking
in your eyes it isn't me, is it?

Come here, you cunt.

Good to see you, man.

You haven't changed. Look at you.

Well, apart from that. What is that?

This? It's what a man looks like.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Come in.

Drink?

Got a nice Sancerre on the go.

Yeah. Nice Sancerre sounds, er...

Saw your website for your company.

Some lovely testimonials.
"Excellent finish."

- Yeah.
- That was Jojo and his missus.

It's all right, innit?

I got so much respect for you, Ade.

Thanks.

What do you reckon?

- Yeah, man, it's good. Mmm.
- Yeah.

Plenty more where that came from.

Where's all your stuff?

Mmm, everything's in storage.

Karen got our place,
just for the kids, really.

- Yeah, I was sorry to hear that, man.
- Yeah. Check this out.

Bosh!

So do you get to see 'em, the kids?

Um, well, you know, it's tricky, that.

I don't want to confuse 'em.

You've seen the tape?

Well, I didn't watch it, but...

Expensive 12 minutes that was.

- Only 12?
- If I'd known how popular it'd be

I'd have drawn it out,
turned it into a box set.

Erm, pass us them pills, will you?

Chop, chop.

Seeing as you're up, uh, fetch us a beer.

The fridge is just there.

What did your last slave die of?

AIDS.

AIDS.

They're, uh...
they're for my knee.

- I'm so used to them now, I forget.
- Mm.

Do you still play?

- I turn up.
- Hmm?

- Whereabouts?
- Marshes.

Hackney Marshes! Pitches still shit?

Yes.

I bet you're like Ronaldo with that lot.

I am quite good, actually.

Ah! "Ronaldo of the Marshes."

My old man used to play there.

Yeah. Read about it.

Sorry, man.

I didn't mind him skimming a bit,
you know, it's my dad. But it got silly.

I had the taxman onto me.

Oh, you know...
he's got his golf.

Two hundred years old, that.
Belonged to Napoleon.

How's your knee?
I heard you had keyhole.

Arthroscopy. Pretty standard op
these days.

I ain't the same over five yards,
but got it up here.

I had it booked in a year back,
but they brought that Sierra Leone kid in.

I thought, can't take time off now,
I'd lose my place.

But after that sending off,

thought missing the end of season,
may as well get it sorted.

Five match ban.
That was pretty serious, man.

Cunt had it coming.

Pretty bad tackle, man.

Giving it that all game
and just... uh...

My mum was a bit shocked,
to be honest, you know?

My concentration.
My time away, it's done me good.

Go on, then.
You're on. Oh!

See if you can beat my time.

Hotel not got a gym?

Uh.

I can't be done with the hassle,
sweating away,

someone wants an autograph
for his nephew every two seconds.

Makes a good training base.

Room service. Chef here's got two stars.
They got a 20-metre pool, too.

I got me own key.

I use it in the middle of the night
when it's quiet.

When do you sleep?

The amount of energy drinks
I'm on with this training regime,

I'm up half the night.
Painkillers don't help.

My clock is all wonky.

I don't know if it's fucking night
or fucking day.

- Do you swim?
- One K every day.

Good boy!

Do you do tumble turns?

Proper turns, like on the Olympics.

It's quite fun, this.

See that dot? That's you.

See the other dot?

- What, the one in front?
- Uh-huh. That's me.

Ah. Well, you'll mess your nice shirt up.

Oh. Paul Smith, woo!

Fuck off.

Jojo says you're out of contract.

- Says you're looking for a club.
- Yeah.

I'm having a bit of a stocktake.

Ah. Something about a club in India?

Super League.
That's where the money is.

They're setting up the infrastructure,
getting players in.

- India, though?
- Well, good enough for Del Piero.

End of his career.

You're getting old, is it?

You sound out of breath, mate.
Don't have a heart attack on me.

You're worried about
them young pups taking your place.

Mm.

You got ten seconds to catch me up.

Mm.

Harder than it looks, innit?

So, what's this job, then?

Oh. Jojo's missus is dead impressed.

I ain't heard the end of her
walk-in shower.

Here it is.

You have to use your finger
otherwise it doesn't...

- Yeah, I have got one.
- That's one of the new ones.

Need some water, man.

Oh, yeah, I'll put some tonic in.

- Tonic, man.
- Oh, come on.

Stop fannying about. This is what
I'm on about. What do you reckon?

- It's nice.
- See?

That's the terrace.
South-facing, gets the sun all day.

Right on the Med. Decent views.

- All right, what do you want then?
- Uh, whole thing, really.

Do you do that?

Well, I can, but, you know,
I'm a plumber.

I mean, you'd want to find someone local.

- Where is it again?
- Greece.

Yeah, okay, Greece. Yeah, you find a...
There's a find-a-builder thing in Greece,

like, you got to look on forums.
Go online.

Yeah. I thought it might be nice to do
some work in the sun, be nice for you.

Nice? It'll be like an oven, mate.

Well, you can use it
while you're out there.

Have some mates out.
Think of the parties. I'd visit.

- Could have emailed this.
- Well, it ain't as friendly, though.

What you laughing at?

That room in Romania.
Do you remember?

What made you think of that?

Last time I saw you, pretty much.

That was a mad night, wasn't it?

Was it? No.

Don't be a dick. There's only 100 bottles
of this. I got the last case.

- No, honestly.
- We had that game the next day.

Uh, the one I scored in.

Thanks for reminding me.

God, a lot's changed since then.

Married. Divorced. Two kids.

Jojo mentioned
you were seeing someone.

Gary.

So, what's he like?

- He's all right.
- All right?

Yeah, he's good to me.

Do you live together?

No. I mean, well,
we like our own space, you know?

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, it's nothing funny.

It's just, uh... just the way it is.

Do your teammates know about him
from down the Marshes?

Yeah, they're cool with it. I mean,
there's some banter, but nothing.

Does he go down the pub after
the game? Beers with the lads?

Yeah, sometimes.

Do you hold hands?
In the pub, I mean.

Depends what pub.

Yeah.

- Mind if I, uh...
- Yeah, do us one while you're at it.

- All right. What about you, man?
- Hmm?

- You seeing anyone?
- Uh...

It's hard to meet people.

You've got about
a million followers on Twitter!

Real people, you know?

- You been LA?
- Mm-mm.

They have these parties
that are exclusively

- for famous people and billionaires.
- Serious?

You have to check
your phone in at the door.

You been America?

- Never got round to it.
- Wha...

Well, you should.

It's got everything.

Midwest, I adore the Midwest.

You can drive for ten hours
and not see a fucking soul.

Where else does that happen, eh?

There's nothing, just silence.

Can hear your own heartbeat.

About that night, uh...
I just want to clear the air,

'cause it's the kind of thing,
if you don't talk about it,

you put too much weight on it,
you know?

"Oh, this thing happened
when we were kids."

- Right.
- Turn it into something it's not.

I mean, when I got your text, I...

Yeah, I mean, you could get
all psychological on it, but...

It was just shits
and giggles, weren't it?

Doughnut.

Uh.

It's getting late, man, I should, uh...

Uh, no, you...
You just got here.

Yeah. I got work tomorrow.

Nah. No, no, no. We should do
something. What's up with you?

- Like what?
- Well, mark the occasion.

- What, it's been eight, nine years?
- Ten.

Yeah, when was the last time
you had a proper blowout

like the old days? Come on! No.

Tomorrow's another day.
Tonight's me and you, mate. Go on!

Let yourself off the leash.

You're staying. You know you are.

- You know you are.
- All right.

What you got in mind?

Eh?

Watch yourself.
No, watch yourself, watch yourself.

Shall we throw the telly out the window?

Go on, then.

Right, you get that end,
I'll get the other end.

Yep. One, two, three.

Oh, mate.
We're going to need a screwdriver.

I'll ring down
and get 'em to bring one up.

What, "Can I borrow a screwdriver?"

I ain't going to tell 'em why. Am I?

- What?
- No, imagine if you did.

- What, tell 'em? Shall I?
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Shall I do it?

Shall I do it? I'm going to do it.
I would like a screwdriver.

Oh, no, uh, the tool.

Yeah, I need to get the telly
off the wall.

Sweet.

Ah!

Good to see you, mate. Life has not
been the same without you!

Here we go, here we go.

Come on!

All right, mate, all right,
all right, chill!

Jesus!

You know what? It's a shame
you didn't do your badges.

You could've gone into management.

You'd have been good at that.

Yeah, well, apparently people don't
like to take orders from a black man.

I got a lot of respect for you, Ade.

- Respect?
- Working man like yourself.

What's that got to do with anything?

No, I'm just saying, you are a grafter.

A grafter?

- Why are you being all...
- What does it mean? You respect me.

- It means I respect you.
- Yeah, but why keep saying it?

- You said it twice now.
- 'Cause you're making me repeat myself.

All this, "Be nice
for you to work in the sun."

- What does that mean?
- Uh...

- Ade, we were having a laugh.
- No, no, what's it all about?

Ade!

I ain't making this up.

Ade, why you so sad?

Don't do that fucking voice, yeah?
I don't like it.

Are you pulling that card on me?

Just don't. I don't like it.
We ain't kids no more.

Oh!

Talk about a sense of humour
breakdown.

Don't fucking get me started.

Jesus, Ade, what is it
you can't handle here? Huh?

The booze, the pills, or the failure?
Which one is it?

No, no! I'm just curious. Come on.

God, I'm sorry things didn't pan out,
but it ain't my fault.

That's what you think this is.

Oh, what, what?

You'd rather be fixing toilets
than doing what I do?

What, cooped up here like a nutter
going for midnight swims?

- Yes, I would.
- Bullshit. You're jealous.

Jase, no one gets to do the thing
they dreamt about when they was a kid.

- That's life, mate.
- Except I do, Ade. I do.

Of course I'd rather be
playing professional.

- Of course I...
- Thank you!

You're acting like you made
some killer point.

- I'm a grown man. I moved on.
- Mm-hmm...

so, why are you here, then?

- 'Cause you asked me here.
- Oh!

Things must be going
really well for you.

Drop everything,
drive 200 miles like that.

Where does Gary think you are?

Away on business?

I am on business.
You asked me for a quote.

You just wanted a taste,
didn't you, hmm?

See how the other half lives,
recapture the old glory.

Feel a part of something, is that it?

- Think what you want.
- Oh...

Do you tell your teammates
you played with me, hmm?

You do, don't you?

I bet they love it.

I bet they buy you drinks.
I bet you tell 'em all the stories,

how you used to be someone,
how you were this close,

but it never happened
because you didn't get the luck.

- That's right, I didn't get the luck.
- You reckon?

I was the better player
and you know it.

That's right, Ade.
You were the better player.

- Thank you.
- Still, you managed to fuck it up.

But that's you all over.
Not enough bottle, not enough heart.

I didn't bottle it.
I never had the chance.

- You had your chance. You didn't take it.
- You never passed me the ball.

- Well, I didn't need to Ade. I scored.
- I was in the better position.

No, the better position's
the one you score from.

That was the position I was in.

- You said you'd pass me the ball.
- Well, it's not the playground.

It don't work like that
in the big boys' game.

No, that was my only chance.
I was subbed off after that.

No, you were subbed off
because two minutes later,

you gave the ball away
in our half and they scored.

I was taking the man on.

Nine times out of ten,
I'd have skinned him.

I did it every time in training.

We're all George Best
in the back garden.

All right.

I made a bad choice.

My mind wasn't in the right place.

Why wasn't your mind in the right place?

You know why.

But we discussed this.
I thought it was nothing.

You keep telling yourself that
all you want,

but we both know
what went on in that room.

What? A hand-job?

The hand-job I gave you
when we were kids?

You're harping on about
a wank you had ten years ago?

Ade, I'm sorry if you got confused.

Confused?
You're the one who got confused.

All right.

Okay, I tell you why I did what I did.

I did it to get in your head,

throw you off balance, make sure
you weren't right for the game.

- Bullshit.
- I didn't have your pace

or your first touch,
but what I did have... was this.

I've always had it.

It's an instinct to know what needs
to be done and then do it.

That... is all.

It wasn't the hand-job
I got confused about.

Jesus fucking...

What was it, then?

It was the way you held me all night...

Kissed me...

Told me you loved me.

Next morning, I got on the coach.
I waited for you.

When you stepped on,
I looked up and I smiled at you.

You just walked by.
You didn't even look.

Afterwards, I tried talking to you,
but you were with the other lads

being a big man, 'cause you scored.

Next week, squad list goes up,
my name's not there, yours is.

They don't renew my contract.

Jase, I texted you, I left voicemails.
Nothing.

How could you do that?

After everything that passed between us.

I can't remember every detail,
to be completely honest, Ade.

- Is that right?
- A lot has changed since then.

I have had other things
to worry about the last ten years.

Then why did you invite me here, Jase?

If you've got so many
other things going on?

Just to see if you'd come back.

Back where?

To this room.

- I never been here before.
- What you talking about?

- You just said "come back".
- So?

- This is the first time I've been here.
- I know.

So what do you mean,
you wanted to see if I'd come back?

- Just to see if you'd come back...
- Back to what?

To me!

Jase... Jase?

Jase, you can't just leave it there.
What'd you mean by that?

Hey.

This young man's brought
our screwdriver.

So, what do you want with this?

We thought we might chuck
the telly out the window.

It's proper bolted on, mate.
Seriously. You got no chance.

- You won't tell anyone, will you?
- What's it worth?

Jason...

We're in the middle of something here.

- Yeah, I'd say. What's your name?
- Harry.

I'd say Harry was in the middle
of something, wouldn't you?

It's a pleasure to meet you, Harry.

Oh, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Jason.

This is Ade.

Say hello to Ade, Harry.

You all right, Ade? Hello.

Ade's shy.

Oi.

- Oh!
- Jase, he's at work.

It's all right.
I clocked off ten minutes ago.

Ah! Just take four,
see how you get on.

I'll have double, I reckon. By the looks
of things, I'm playing catch-up.

Ooh! Good man!

So, hang on, if you've clocked off,

how come you're still here?

- I'm always looking for the party, me.
- Oh! Do you hear that, Ade?

Harry loves to party.

Jase, we're talking about something here.

Ade, we're having a laugh.

Here, will you take a piccie for us?

Oh, you won't put that online, will you?

Of course not.

Come on, Ade,
don't be a spoilsport.

Oh... Cor...

It's all right. I'll do a selfie.

Fucking hell.

Ooh.

Yeah, one more.

What you laughing at?

When I was younger, that video of you
and that lap dancer was a bit of a staple.

I put it on once when
I was shagging my girlfriend.

I took a selfie of me and her
watching you.

Sent it to all my mates.

We broke up soon after that.

I hate girls
who haven't got a sense of humour.

Oh! It's important.

- Yeah!
- Mm.

Is that real?

Mm-hmm. You want it?

Really?

Mmm.

Oh!

Am I the most famous person
you've ever met?

Er, yeah?

Fuck.

Though I once met Jimmy Savile.

He'd come to my school.

They wouldn't invite him now,
I don't reckon.

- He's dead.
- Yeah, and that.

He's funny, isn't he?

You... You're funny.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I am actually.

What do you think
we should do with Harry, Ade?

Well, I'm up for anything, really.

I mean, my mates say
I've got no boundaries.

I'm one of those people
that can just drink and drink.

I don't get drunk.
I don't even get hangovers.

All right, you've had your fun.
It's time Harry left, Jase.

- Either he's off or I'm out.
- What do you think, Harry?

It's your room, innit?

- I'm not messing around.
- I don't care either way.

Just make a decision.

Oh. Well, it wouldn't be
the first time you lost your nerve.

What was that?

Hmm? Don't think
I don't know what you're doing.

What am I doing?

Ade, what am I doing, hmm?

What am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing?

I don't know what I'm doing.
What am I doing?

Huh? What am I doing, huh?

Aha! What am I doing, Harry?

I don't know!
What am I doing?

What, you think this is too much for me?

- Oh, what am I doing? What am I doing?
- You think I'm afraid of this?

What am I doing, mate?
What the fuck am I doing?

- Ade! Ade!
- Shut the fuck up!

All right.

Let's do this.

Why don't we...

play a game?

What's the game?

Ooh. All in good time, Harry.

All in good time.

This is bonkers.

Reminds me of this stag do
I went on in Krakow, right?

White water rafting in the morning,
Auschwitz in the afternoon,

back to the hotel for a shower,
quick bite to eat, then on to a sex club.

- Here.
- Mmm, mmm. Cheers.

And the best man, he got this prossie.
Now, she sits the groom down on a chair

and does this full on strip show
down to her knickers,

whipped cream on her tits
and that and then, I'm not lying...

She unzips him,
sprays some of the cream on his cock

and starts noshing him off
like she's not had a hot dinner in weeks.

His dad's there, his uncle,

father of the bride, and we're all, like,

shouting things. This is the best bit.

Just as the groom's about to pop,
and you can tell he's getting close,

'cause his eyes are going
like he's having an epic.

Oh, yeah.

This prossie shoves her hands
into her pants, reaches back,

and flops out the biggest cock
you've ever seen.

It's a fucking lady boy.

We were like,
"Where the fuck you stashing that?"

'Cause she had this tiny little thong on.

Oh, and the fucking groom's face, though.

- Oh? Oh, yeah?
- He cried, actually. It went a bit dark.

So what's the game, then?

Forfeit or dare.

- What's the forfeit?
- You drink from the bucket.

I ask you to do something,
you don't wanna do it, you have to drink.

All right, then.

Take off your shirt.

Oh.

And your trousers.

- Oh. Hey. Hold on to me.
- Oh. Oh!

That was easy.

Mmm. Go on, Ade.

Do you see anything you fancy?

- Is it... Is it his turn now?
- Yeah.

Let's have a go with this bucket, then.

Okay.

Oh.

Go on, one more.

Yeah?

Jase.

Fucking hell,
you boys play hard.

- You all right, Harry?
- Yeah.

For a moment there,
I thought you'd lost the plot a bit.

Everything went dark and then
there was this bright light and,

well, it was like what my Aunt Ida said
happened when she had a heart attack

and woke up and saw Jesus
stood next to fucking Elton John.

Right, I did it. I got a belter!
This is for you.

I dare you to kiss him with tongues.

Boom!

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

Now, don't do anything
you're not comfortable with, Ade.

Look at you.

All serious.

I got a better idea.

What is it?

- Why don't you kiss Ade?
- What? It's not my turn.

It doesn't matter.
I think he likes you.

- Does he?
- Yeah.

- Fucking hell.
- Go on.

I never kissed a fella before.

Are you sure he wants to?
He's got a right face on him.

I don't think Ade knows what he wants.

Or maybe he does.

- Now, get the fuck out.
- What?

- I said get the fuck out!
- Get the fuck off me, you homo.

- I'll go when he says to go.
- He's right.

Fuck off.

Party's over.

You were fun for five minutes.
I'm bored now.

You fucking pair of shit hounds.

What am I, the warm-up?

You know, no wonder
you're a shit footballer these days.

Every time you get one-on-one
with the goalkeeper, you can't work out

whether to put the ball in the net,
or his dick in your mouth.

Yeah, laugh it up, you queer bastard!

It's about as funny as another man
putting your kids to bed.

- Ow! Don't! Fucking weirdo!
- Come here.

- Come here. Get up. Get up, get up.
- No, no, no.

- No!
- Get in! Get in!

Jase!

- Good boy, good boy. Good doggie.
- Jase!

Ah! Fucking psycho faggot!

You think we don't know
what goes on in here?

Lads up and down the stairs all hours.
You think we don't know?

Oh, tell your friends, Harry,
get some free drinks.

Yeah, this is going on Twitter, mate.
See how you like that.

Harry, son, I got people for that.
This goes on Twitter,

I'll own your house and your nan's house,

and your children's house,
if you ever get that far in life.

Now, off you trot, son.
There's grown-ups talking.

Do you reckon he was showing off?

I don't think you're well.

No? I'm tip-top, mate.
I don't know what you're talking about.

What am I here for?

Truth be told,

I was thinking of retraining as a plumber.

Thought you could give me some tips.

That's good, Jase. That's very good.

The villa...

Phew. I want you to have it.

It's yours.

You could live there.
I could visit.

- We could look at the view.
- Are you serious?

My, um...

My knee's chalk.

Ever seen a mountain crumble,
fall into the sea?

Could go any time.

Now that you need me,
you want me to stay?

You're the last thing I remember...

of any... value.

When I got your text, Jase,

I had some notion...

I can't.

I'm sorry.

I just can't.

Well, it was only a suggestion.

I don't know why you're making
a thing of it.

Do you know what I feel
when I look at you?

Is it pity?

You mean you got the moral high ground,

because you fix
people's toilets for a living?

I scored at the San Siro.

Eighty thousand people
rose to their feet.

I inspire love, devotion.

What do you get, Ade?

Invoices?

I love someone and he loves me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

The great love affair with Gary.

Don't tell me it doesn't eat away at you.

What if? What if? What if?

Look me in the eyes
and tell me there aren't moments

when you wouldn't give everything
to live the way I do.

Just what I thought.

You haven't the nerve
to live like I do, Ade.

It would scare the shit out of you.

Do you want to know why
I never returned your calls?

It's because I didn't want
to be infected by your failure.

- Well, at least I live in the real world.
- Oh!

I live in the same world you do, mate.

Just better parts of it.

You must be very happy, then.

Please.

Please, Ade...

I don't know what to do!

Did you really do it
to get into my head, Jase?

I don't know.

Fuck.

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