Original subtitles

We'll actually go and look over here.

There's a young girl over here.

She might have been left behind by her friends, be feeling a bit lost.

She might need some sort of assistance.

Should go and see if she's OK.

Hello, love.

Hi, there.

She's very quiet. Um...

Oh. Are you all right?

I guess that's a no.

I mean, yeah, this is very unusual.

I mean, that's a lot to come out of quite a small person.

I think she's clearly quite unwell.

I mean, we wanna know what's happened to her tonight,

and what's made her vomit like this.

Let it out. Get it...

Over that way is better. Get it all out.

I'm gonna request for assistance.

Minogue, requesting assistance over here.

'Copy, O'Leary, what's your location?'

I'm right behind you.

'Travelling.'

Yeah, we've gotta get this girl to her caregivers.

She's- Look, she's really unwell.

What's your name, love?

Bazual of the Unholy Realm.

- We've got B. I've got B-A... - Bazual of the Unholy Realm.

OK.

As members of the New Zealand Police Force,

it's our job to offer support to those in need,

uh, and that takes the support and the respect of the community.

Absolutely. It really does.

Is that the Unholy Realm in Haitaitai?

Officer down.

I've got an officer down.

Officer back up!

See, look, he's back up. That was a bit uncalled for.

Comms, we're bringing in a juvenile female for drunk and disorderly,

and, uh, charging her with throwing a police officer. Over.

Do you know how to turn the air-con off at the back?

- The air-con is off. - Really?

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Big night, Saturday night.

A lot of people out drinking,

but you guys are out there doing some exemplary police work.

Sevali and Jones apprehended a vandal

caught in the act of defacing public property.

The man was drawing a large penis on a wall.

They managed to confiscate the pen,

and change the drawing into that of a man with a big nose.

Actually, looking at it now, it, uh...

it's not really gender-specific, is it?

They showed initiative, so, uh, well done.

Uh, what else?

Five of the seven pairs of trousers that went

missing from Blackfield Menswear on Lambton Quay

were retrieved. Well done, Stevenson and Parker.

Ah, hold on.

Parker.

Those aren't uniform pants, are they?

Oh, um, there must have been a mix-up, sir.

Is that right? Is that right, Parker?

Those are Blackfield Menswear pants, Parker.

They're not standard police issue, are they?

And where is Stevenson today, Parker?

- At home on TradeMe. - Why?

Selling pants.

Right, might have to have a little discussion

about this later in my office, yeah?

- I'll do a report. - Good.

Let's get back out there, guys, and remember to be safe, OK?

Dismissed.

Uh, Minogue, O'Leary.

I want to talk to you guys about your report.

Now, what I'm about to show you is top secret.

Don't look.

I have security access. A special pin number.

- Five. - Hey, don't- Shh.

Hey, Sarge, you should probably have some more digits in your pin.

What, like pin numbers?

Well, like, anyone has a one-in-10 chance of guessing that.

Oh, yeah, of course. There's more numbers involved.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

What is it?

What you're about to see behind this door is classified.

Welcome to the Wellington Police Paranormal Unit.

You are the only two officers to have set foot in this division.

Because of its classified nature?

No, I've invited other officers in here. No one wanted to come in here.

This is where I file anything unusual;

anything, uh, out of the ordinary that defies worldly explanation.

- Do you believe in ghosts? - Not really.

My brother drew that when he was 10. He saw it in our bathroom.

I believe this is a UFO.

Um, I believe that's a hubcap.

Interested in what you think, Minogue.

Yeah, I believe it's a hubcap.

Yeah, well, I don't care what you guys think.

This is the file that pertains to your case.

This is a report from 1951.

'The felon spewed gallons of sulphuric vomit, smelling like eggs or Rotorua.'

This is from 1885.

'The lady spoke with a voice bystanders described as that of a course gentleman.

'She expelled fervent and copious bile. It's odour - that of sulphur.'

Well, that's exactly what happened tonight.

Now, the name the assailant gave in each case was Bazual of the Unholy Realm.

- Are you joking with us? - I don't- I don't joke at work.

Outside of work, I have a observational, absurdist sense of humour-

sometimes even a little bit risque. Sorry about that.

Look, I don't give a shit. Are you trying to say that these cases are linked?

In each of the previous cases,

the person claiming to be Bazual performed a human sacrifice - at dawn.

I'm just thinking maybe we'd be better off doing something similar to the pants,

looking for the pants. We could be out there

on the streets, you know, during the daytime.

I'm actually rostered on. It's my turn to get attacked by the police dog.

Get down to that interrogation room, and check out this Bazual character right now.

Yep, OK.

I'm gonna stay here, and, uh, change the pin number.

- Yes, sir. - Dismissed.

Yeah, so, we've just been reassigned to the Wellington Paranormal Unit.

- Um, it's highly classified unit. - Mm.

Um, so, yeah.

It's top secret. No one else knows about it.

Sevali and Jones, they haven't been briefed on it yet.

I mean, to put it in layman's terms, we're kind of like Mulder and Scully.

She's like Scully because she's analytical, she's got the brains.

And, uh, I'm a man with brown hair.

Yeah, so, I'm not sure if paranormal phenomena exists-

- It's pronounced phre-mo-mema. - It's phenomena.

Well, it's phre-mo-mema.

It's phenomena - the N.

Phenomena.

Another way that we're like Mulder and Scully is that we've got,

sort of, an underlying sexual tension going on.

Eh?

She doesn't look well.

The dead shall rise from hell.

Do you need a lozenge, or something?

Maybe we could call a- Do you want us to call your parents or a guardian, perhaps?

There will be buckets of blood and a fountain of fire.

Ugh.

'She's scaring me, O'Leary.

- 'Can you do your bad cop?' - 'Mm. Oh yeah.'

Stop that. It's a bit scary.

Yeah.

Hello. My name is Sgt Maaka. I'd like to have a few words with you, if I may.

Can I call my parents?

Uh, she's just got a normal voice. Youse- I thought

you said she had some sort of demonic man's voice.

Yeah, well, she did before.

Can I go home now?

She just sounds like a normal teenage girl.

This is not a case for the Paranormal Unit at all.

I had a whole speech planned and everything. What am I gonna do now?

Um, look, I'm very sorry about this.

I tell you what - we'll contact your parents. They'll come and get you.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Let's go!

It's unholy.

Should we jump after her?

That was pretty insane. I mean, have you seen the likes of that before?

- Have I seen that before? - No.

Have I seen a teenage girl leap through a window,

have light going all over her face and her blowing back in the wind.

No. No, I haven't.

And I tell you what it is.

- It's pretty obvious to me. She- - Drugs.

Oh, I thought robot.

'B-4, this is Comms. Over.' - Go ahead.

'Domestic dispute at 9 Greys Ave. Need you to respond. Over.'

Yeah, that's a negative, Comms. We're on a special mission. Over.

Mm-hm.

'Yeah, the caller has requested Minogue and O'Leary specifically. Over.

On our way. Over.

Do we get to turn our lights on for that?

Yeah, definitely.

I might go a bit faster, if that's all right.

Well, we need to. We've gotta get there. Comms just said.

Right-o.

So, were on the way to a domestic incident.

Hopefully it's just an argument,

something that can be resolved quickly, cos we've got, obviously, other things to do.

Potentially bigger fish to fry.

- Good evening. - Hi.

Hi. Officers O'Leary and Minogue.

- Is there any trouble-? - I've locked him in the garage.

OK, we should probably come in and have a look around...

Yeah, come in.

...if that's OK.

Just watching the rugby, and he starts

yelling and carrying on like he's possessed.

It's just the worse midlife crisis you've ever seen.

- Minogue. - 'Oh, matching shirts.

'That's awesome. We could do that.'

We do that every day.

It's not that. Look, it's the same girl.

Ah.

She looks a million times better in the photo, eh, than in person.

- Don't say that in front of the mum. - At one time, he was very normal.

- What is normal? - Well, this isn't.

- Oh gosh! - OK, that's more than a midlife crisis.

Gary, can you get down off the roof?

The cops are here.

He's breaking the law of gravity, O'Leary.

How did you get up there, sir?

Minogue and O'Leary, we meet again.

I don't think so, mate.

- Do you know him, O'Leary? - Do you play softball?

I am Bazual.

Bull(BLEEP). His name's Gary.

I am Bazual of the Unholy Realm.

Look, just try and calm yourself, mate.

You should probably come down from there, mate.

He got really angry when our daughter came home late,

and she was in a really bad mood.

I mean, I don't know. Could have been too much screen-time.

Do you want some help?

Oh, no, look, your neck is gonna get really sore,

and I'm not massaging it tonight.

- Have you seen that before? - God, no.

You need to stop that, and you really need to listen to your wife, Gary.

- You're 47! - 47?

Are you all right? Are you feeling a bit better?

Hm.

What am I doing on the fridge?

Yeah, so, the gentleman calmed down. So, we've just let him off with a warning.

A different Bazual.

Our original person of interest was his daughter.

Have calmed down now, as well.

So bit of a win-win.

I mean, so we can go now, uh, knowing that everyone here is safe.

Mm-mm.

Well, so the father and daughter both called themselves

- Bazual of the Unholy Realm. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, he's named after her. - And then they both had super strength.

Weird.

- And talked about fountains of fire. - I think it runs in the family.

Speaking of running in the family...

We're going 50.

She's gone into those bushes.

Pursuing on foot. She's slowing down, O'Leary.

In pursuit. I'll follow her. Head her off! Head her off!

Ma'am!

Running from the police is an offence. Stop!

I'm gonna have to scale the fence.

That's all right. Let's get this up here.

Just... Oh.

Just- Once you get your feet in...

Ma'am! Ma'am!

Uhh...

You shouldn't be running in a playground, ma'am!

I've got some questions- Oh!

Ma'am, you shouldn't be running in a playground in those Ugg boots.

'So, I've been in pursuit of a highly acrobatic housewife.'

Ma'am?

'Just come through the children's playground, through the back here,

and she's absolutely vanished. No idea where she could've gone.

I'm in two minds about whether I really wanna find her, to be honest.

Hello?

Minogue?

Who said that?

Oh, gidday, boy.

Hello.

Hello, Minogue.

Ew, ew, ew.

Your mother sucks (BLEEP) in hell, Minogue.

You're a bad dog.

The mouth will open.

- The dead will walk the earth. - Stop talking, you freaky little dog.

I am Bazual! I do as I please!

There will be buckets of blood.

A fountain of fire!

Did you guys see that?

That dog was talking, right?

Well, obviously, you do get hurdles in policing, and, um,

these sorts of fences certainly are one of them. You know, it's a real challenge.

I think, certainly, since they've changed the way they make these fences,

it's been a lot harder to get over them cleanly.

It's not something that normally happens to me.

To be honest, if anything, Minogue, perhaps, is

a little bit more prone to this kind of thing.

But, like I said, I was just giving it my best

shot and it didn't quite work out on the day.

Yeah.

Minogue, I'm just requesting assistance here.

Caught on a fence again, O'Leary?

Uh, yep.

On my way.

I think I need a hug.

So, a dog spoke to you?

Yes, and it was very rude.

Are you sure it wasn't like one of those internet dogs that sounds

like its talking when it's actually just barking?

- Like a... - No.

Mm-hm.

I'm not an idiot.

Maybe somebody was behind the dog while it was chewing quietly.

No.

It was saying that my mother does sexual stuff

in hell. These guys recorded all of it.

Um, do you mind if we get that footage?

- What, of his mum? - No, of the dog.

- He said his name was Bazual. - Mm.

I've been doing some extensive research on this Bazual. I googled it.

'He who brings hell on Earth.'

Bazual itself is not that great, but I mean, with that definition

it's not gonna top any baby names lists, is it?

I'm surprised it's so popular already.

It's not that the girl or the father or the dog have the same name.

It's the same entity.

OK, it transfers from body to body, using them as vessels.

Huh?

So, the two of you picked up the young woman here,

and then brought her to the station which is here.

She escaped and ran to this address here.

It transferred to the father and then to the wife,

who ran to here.

Changed course to here,

and then turned around and then came back to this point here,

where Minogue had the conversation with the dog.

So it's kind of like one those stars you used to draw in primary school.

- Oh, yeah. - Remember those?

All those other lines confused it.

- Well, you mean the map lines? - Mm. Mm.

Sorry, Sarge. Yep.

What it is is a pentagram. It's a symbol of the devil.

Oh.

It's centred right here at Cuba Mall.

In the mid '60s, a group of Satanists based in the Wellington CBD

erected a shrine to hell itself.

That dog kept on saying, 'Buckets of blood. A fountain of fire.'

We're not talking about the dog right now. We're talking about this.

One of Wellington's most iconic monuments.

That's the Cuba St Bucket Fountain.

These 13 buckets represent the 13 chambers of hell.

The fountain itself is a hell mouth - a gateway to and from the underworld.

'The mouth shall open, where dead shall walk the earth.'

Metallica?

Nah, no, it's that dog.

That dog was saying it. Could that be relevant?

Bazual intends to make a human sacrifice.

If he succeeds, the dead will claw their way

up from hell through this bucket fountain

and walk the streets of the Wellington CBD.

Sarge, I think the bucket just tipped blood.

It's begun.

What's happening, guys?

We're tryna stop the dead from walking through Cuba St, Parker.

Parker, your pants!

O'Leary reckons there's gonna be blood coming out of the fountain.

Hey, look, it's gonna tip...

now.

Now.

- Now. - No.

- Now. - No.

- Now. - No.

Now.

Oh, dammit.

- Now. - Now. - Nope.

- No, that's horrible. - It is blood.

- It's a sign of the apocalypse. - That's blood.

Minogue, is that the dog you saw?

Minogue.

It's got the same voice.

- Right, let's get it. - No, he called for me.

- Dog's talking. - You're a bad dog!

- Dog's talking. - You're a naughty little dirty-mouth dog.

You stay!

Stay!

I got it, guys.

It's all good, guys.

Tell us what you want, demon. Tell us right now!

- Answer him. - The dead shall walk the earth.

It transferred to that guy!

Requesting assistance.

- Clearance to Taser? - No, no, I'll tase him. I'll tase him.

No, we must perform an exorcism.

Do you-? Do you know how to do that?

An exorcism.

So, what you all need is a crucifix...

Yep, check.

- Holy Bible. - Got it.

- ...and some duct tape. - Duct tape.

Oh, guys. Pretty urgent now, I think.

- You are going to hell, Minogue! - Oh.

'Tell them the power of Christ compels you.'

OK.

The power of Christ compels you!

What next, Sarge?

I-I don't know. It's buffering. Sorry, guys. I'm on prepay.

It sounds like someone burning. It's burning.

Call the fire service!

You are the sacrifice to the Dark Lord!

Why me?

Well, maybe, I mean, they always sacrifice virgins, mate.

- So, are you a virgin? - No!

Sorry, I don't know his sexual- I don't know your sexual history.

I've actually never seen any of his girlfriends. He might actually be a virgin.

O'Leary.

'Make sure you say this three times.'

OK, say it two more times.

The power of Christ compels you.

- That's two. - With more authority.

The power of Christ compels you!

It's working. It's worked. Police.

- We're gonna get you! - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no. Get off him. Get off him.

That is not Bazual. We banished him to hell, remember?

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, so, we're not entirely sure what happened out here tonight -

whether it was some sort of mass hysteria;

it could have been, you know, some illegal drugs in the water supply.

Mm-hm.

- Or it was paranormal phreno-mema. - Maybe.

Certainly, if you suspect that your friend or colleague or anyone that you know

has been taken over by a demon from hell,

that's the kind of thing you really wanna, you know, call in quickly.

Any time there's gates to hell..

- Never a good sign. - Give us a call.

What this incident highlighted is the need for

a special unit of the New Zealand Police Force

that deals with the cases which have no worldly explanation.

I was wondering where you got to, Parker.

You're in luck, mate. In about six minutes, I'm off the clock,

and I have a legendary joke for you all.

Well, I haven't actually told it yet.

Subtitles by explosiveskull