All language subtitles for The Royals s03e06 Less Than Kind.eng

Previously on The Royals ...

Might I apologize for telling
Your Majesty to shut up?

- And for the other demands?
- We shall not speak of it.

(ELEANOR) '600 years ago,
there was a young queen

and she fell for her bodyguard.

They started this epic love affair.

They would write the most
romantic love letters

and hide them in a hollowed-out book.'

There are a million reasons
why we can't do this.

I can think of one big reason why...

Your blood claim to the throne

how do you propose we deal with that?

Cyrus has agreed to a Privy Council.

How on earth did you get
him to agree to that?

I made him think it was his idea.

'Love, Eleanor.

PS... yes, I said love and I meant it.

Tomorrow is Christmas, my
favorite day of the year

and you're the gift I've
wished for all my life.'

'PS... I said love and I meant it.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm so happy.'

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Ho, ho, ho!

- Hell of a run.
- Hey. Didn't see you there.

Little excessive for
Christmas Eve, isn't it?

Are you running towards
or away from something?

Just running.

Merry Christmas.

Don't Americans prefer "Happy holidays"?

Full disclosure.

I've dedicated a few resources
to your back story.

It turns out your parents
were charlatans.

"Are" charlatans.

- And so are you.
- Was.

It's funny, isn't it, the
happy Christmas thing.

Somehow, wishing someone a nice day

has become offensive

if you don't wish them the
exact day they believe in

in the exact language they prefer.

Some people are just
questioning tradition.

Nothing wrong with tradition, rules.

For instance, I can't help notice

that you're in the family gym.

- I cleared that with...
- Ted Pryce.

I'm happy to join a gym, Your Highness.

The same Ted Pryce that you uncovered.

For that I am indebted to you.

Access to the gym is
the least we can do.

But access to your sister
is a different matter.

That's one thing I
like about Americans...

they're direct, they cut to the chase.

I'm not very adept about being indirect.

Good. Nor am I.

Len has good instincts. I'm
sure she's right about you.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Jasper.

- Happy holidays.
- Merry Christmas.

Enter!

Stupid Christmas comes around,

so everyone gets hopped up on eggnog

and forgets their station.

Hello.

Queen here!

It's a goddamned zombie apocalypse.

Psst!

- Are you alive or undead?
- What?

- Where the hell is everybody?
- I let them go.

You what?

It's the first Christmas without Dad.

He always gave the staff the
holiday off, so I did, too.

- You can't do that.
- Why?

Because we have no idea how
to fend for ourselves.

We did fine every other year.

- Ow!
- He let the staff go

after months of planning.

Every detail was planned in advance.

- What are we going to eat?
- Mum.

Do you know how easy it is
to fix a turkey these days?

You just season it and wait
for that thing to pop up.

You think turkeys are born
with those pop-up things?

- It'll be fine.
- What the hell are you doing in here?

I thought I'd set the table with Len,

- start a new family tradition.
- And?

- Do you know where the stuff is?
- The stuff.

You mean like plates? Silverware?

Or are we going to eat the pop-up turkey

with our hands this year?

I just wanted to feel
like Dad was with us.

- I'm sorry.
- I wonder if Nobu is open.

Are you alive or undead?

It's fine.

Fine? It's a goddamned
zombie apocalypse.

- Liam gave the staff the day off.
(OTHERS) Why?

Because that's what Simon used to do.

- After weeks of preparation.
- Possibly months.

What on earth are we
supposed to do now?

Spend Christmas together.

Just us, and we'll do it ourselves.

- Sounds horrible.
- But not impossible.

- Who's with me?
- Oh, I need a drink.

- Definitely a drink.
- Make it two.

Right.

Come on, let's get started.

Great.

Liam ruins Christmas.

Good thing big brother's
back to clean up your mess.

Again.

(Knock on door)

Naughty or nice?

- Ooh, both. Hi.
- Hey.

What you got there?

Oh, just presents from people.

Dignitaries and poshy suck-ups.

I don't really know most of them.

Hm. So Robert knows about my...

history.

Oh.

I just thought I'd let you
know, in case it came up.

- How did that go?
- He seemed more concerned

that I was using the family gym.

He likes his rules.

Hey. Have I told you...

how happy I am that you're
spending Christmas with me?

Yeah, about that, I um...

I figured I'm just going
to lay low today.

It's important for your
family to spend time together

considering it's the first
Christmas without your father.

- Oh, okay. Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's for the best and...

I'm gonna find you at
the end of the night.

You'd better,

because you have to unwrap your present.

And by present, I mean...me.

Mm.

Hmm.

Will your family miss you at all?
I know I will.

No.

They won't miss me and I
certainly won't miss them.

- You won't even call them?
- No.

I'd give anything to
hear my father's voice.

Yeah.

But your father didn't
dress you up as an elf

and make you ring a bell to
steal Salvation Army money.

He's still your father.

And I bet you were the
cutest little elf.

- Code red.
- For Santa Claus?

No, code red for disaster.

The necklace we picked out
for Eleanor was a bad idea.

- She has so much jewelry already.
- Of course she does.

- She's a princess.
- Alright.

So why didn't stripey pants
the elf tell me that

- when we picked it out?
- You never asked me.

Why don't you just make her
something else instead?

- Like what?
- A story book.

All princesses have stories about them.

That's actually not bad. Tell me more.

But whatever you say next is my idea.

We could make up a story
and draw the pictures

and at the end you can put your
present in it so it's like

a Happily Ever After necklace.

I bet she doesn't have one of those yet.

Or you could draw her face

and give her a beard with macaroni.

No, I like the first idea.

- You're a genius.
- I know.

(Sighs)

You're not actually thinking
about cooking that thing?

Mr. Hoenigsberg, what brings
you round on Christmas Eve?

The King's Midnight Christmas Address.

I just wanted to make sure
everything's in order.

Order doesn't seem to be
in great supply here today.

Yeah, I heard.

- What can I help you with?
- You underestimate me.

I'm the Queen. What makes you think I can't
whip up a magnificent figgy pudding?

You do realize figgy pudding
is prepared a year in advance?

No, I didn't realize that.

The good news is there's bound to
be a figgy pudding hiding somewhere

and the better news is I do
make a very succulent turkey.

Then, unfortunately,

it seems we simply can't
manage without you.

Cheers.

That's...a lot of stuff.

Maybe there's a picture
of our table online.

What part of this family

made you think that we
could manage on our own?

- No part whatsoever.
- (Sighs)

Dad would've done the same thing.

I got Jasper the best Christmas gift.

An original letter from
Catherine of Valois

to Owen Tudor.

Can you believe that? One of
their original love letters.

God, I cannot wait to give it to him.

- I'm glad you're happy.
- Well, I'm un-glad that you're not.

What's going on?

(Clears throat)

I met a girl.

Hm... It's always a girl.

She was seeing someone, then stopped seeing
him, and now she's seeing him again.

- Bitch sounds bootless.
- She's not.

So, she was seeing someone,
then she's seeing you,

and now she's seeing him again?

She thought he was dead.

So did I.

- You're dating Robby's ex?
- I was.

Before you think less of
her, she is extraordinary.

- She sounds like it!
- She's incredibly giving.

Giving it to both my brothers.

Len.

She lost him, too. Just like we did.

She went through that darkness.

Just like we did.

When Robert came back, we ended it.

He doesn't know about it,
there's no reason he should.

Please...

if you haven't got me
anything for Christmas yet,

I'm going to need a lot more weed.

I'm thankful every day
that Robert's home, but...

I was happy, you know?

Yeah.

Maybe paper plates in
the red state room?

Works for me.

Alright, we got glue, glitter,

whatever these things are.

We need that artwork now.

Okay, here you go.

The story is about Alice in the Palace

and her caterpillar friend, Frosty.

- Frosty the Caterpillar?
- He's a wonderful caterpillar.

He wants to change into a butterfly
so the Princess will notice him.

Why? What's wrong with
being a caterpillar?

That's what he finds out along the way.

And the Princess loves him, anyway.

Okay, so that's the Princess?

- Yeah.
- And that's me?

Uh-huh.

Why's my head so big
and my legs so short?

My daddy's legs are short
and he looks pretty good.

(Chuckles)

I've got three eyes in this one.

- That's your nose.
- Does the caterpillar have scoliosis?

I don't even know what that is.

And how come Alice is in the palace?

I thought it's supposed to be a story
about Frosty and the Princess.

It is. But I've always wanted
to be in a fairy tale.

Is that okay?

Couldn't tell the story without you.

I look like a cockroach in this one.

(Message alert)

Spencer?

- It's bound to be around here somewhere.
- What is?

The figgy pudding.

The palace chef would have prepared
it and placed it somewhere cool.

I woke up in a poor mood today.
You've made it better.

You always make my day
better, Your Majesty.

Do you want to have sex?

When posed by you, the answer
to that question is always yes.

This is so much better
than Christmas at home.

Shut up.

You shut up.

Shut your sexy damn regal mouth.

- Oh!
- Oh, shit!

- Are you okay?
- It's fine, don't stop.

No, let me see.

Under penalty of treason,
don't you dare stop.

Yes, Ma'am.

Oh. Look, we found the figgy pudding.

- How does it look?
- Amazing! What do you think?

Looks damned delicious from here.

Is that right?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

You've got a black eye.

What?

(Gasps) Good Lord!

Thank goodness I'm not giving
the Christmas address tonight.

(Knocks)

You should take it easy, dear Uncle.

- You have a speech to make.
- You feign concern.

I'm lucky you haven't roofied my drinks

so you can swoop in and
make a bid for the crown.

Not my style. I plan to wage
a fair and decent campaign.

Saying that, I did get
you a little something.

You should probably open it
before we join the others.

Hm.

Wine. A little boring. I
hope you kept the receipt.

I'm afraid it can't be returned.

You see, this wine bears an
inscription on its back.

"Drink with me and we
shall never thirst."

It seems all the candidates
for the Privy Council,

the very committee that will decide

which one of us shall next be King,

received this very gift
from the King himself.

It's Christmas, Robert.
'Tis the season to give.

Be careful, Uncle.

I'd be wary about alienating
the new guard with old tricks.

It could work against you.

I like you, Robert. I always have.

But you'd be unwise to play
a game of chess with me.

- Remember that.
- I played chess with my father.

You'd be wise to remember that.

(Christmas music in background)

So, you want to tell me what the
text is about or do I guess?

I'm a journalist, Mr. Frost.

I'm working on a story
about HRH Princess Eleanor

and the relationship she's
having with her bodyguard.

- Care to comment?
- You think writing a story

about the Princess in a
relationship is ground-breaking?

Good luck with that.

I think it's ground-breaking if her
bodyguard is secretly American,

tried to steal the Koh-i-Noor

and comes from a long line
of thieves and liars.

Sit down, handsome. Have
a drink, it's Christmas.

Besides, you never know...

there may be a way out of this.

I found our board game. Crowned!

Nobody wants to play that damned thing.

You just hate it because your piece
looks like Margaret Thatcher.

- Dad loved this game.
- Only because he always won.

Here's Mum...

..Dad...

Margaret Thatcher,

Robby...

me...

Oh, Liam, your piece is missing.

I'm surprised they even bothered
to make one. Too insignificant.

- We could play Simon Says instead.
- Good idea!

Simon says, "I got killed by Ted Pryce."

Lose a turn.

Why would you say something like that?

Is the missing piece going to strike
a cancer victim on Christmas?

Very possibly.

Come on, Uncle. Perhaps a refresher
course in Christmas etiquette.

And perhaps a refresher
course, Liam, in mattering,

#Yesterdaysnews.

Come on, Uncle.

So, Harper...

Is that your real name?

Possibly.

Alright, well, possibly, Harper,

I'm going to give you the
opportunity to walk away right now.

Or?

Or the alternative
isn't very Christmassy.

Well, Mr. Frost...

..I have you, I have the Princess

and I have a gentleman who's
more than happy to fill in

all the delicious, sordid blanks.

Fine.

So let's say...

..this story that you
have about me is true.

Leave her out of it. Come after me.

She's in such a good place right now...

and you dragging her down for your
selfish gains, well, it's just...

tragic.

My story is true.

You are in a relationship.

So let's make one thing clear.

You are the one bringing
her down, not me.

It's snowing!

I installed a snow machine.

Luckily, Liam didn't cancel it.

I haven't spent many
Christmases in the palace.

Over the years, I would use the
holiday as an excuse to go home.

At least, that was the official version.

Unofficially, I would
spend Christmas night

with the man I loved.

Not Simon.

I'm telling you this to
put my earlier behavior

into context.

You don't owe me that.

I'm here for whatever
Your Majesty needs.

Any version.

There's a red button on
the desk in the library.

The King presses it and the
Christmas address goes live.

I'll leave Your Majesty to enjoy the
rest of the holiday with your family.

Spencer, thank you.

- Robert knows about Jasper.
- About him and Mum?

- No.
- About him and Mandy?

No!

About him blackmailing...

- No! About his past before he got here.
- Oh, right.

Why does it matter if
Robert approves of him?

- You didn't care what I thought.
- About what?

I was going to tell you about Jasper,
but you were just back from the dead

and it just didn't seem
like the right time.

It's a tangled web we weave, Lenny.

- He said he saw you.
- Yeah, this morning in the family gym.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- That I saw him in the gym.

- You said "family" gym.
- You did say that.

Fine. Family gym.

So he's in the family gym
and he's seeing Eleanor,

neither of which has
anything to do with you.

Liam.

If you've a problem with
Jasper, just say it.

Right now, I have a problem with you.

You screwed up, let the staff go.

I rally the family, like always.

- Just say thank you, Sparrow.
- Don't call me that.

If you have an issue with
your code name, call MI6.

Don't make it seem like I've
gone out of my way to remind you

that you're not the firstborn
son of this family...

- Sparrow.
- I said...

Don't call me that.

- What's going on?
- What happened to your eye?

Oh, that. I was attacked
by a figgy pudding

whilst having spontaneous
sexual intercourse.

What?!

(CYRUS) Ho, ho, ho!

Cyrus, you need to sleep it off.

I don't need to do dick, Muhammad Ali.

- You're ruining Christmas.
- Liam already did that.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho...holy shit!

And to all a good night.

(Groans)

- Hey.
- Hi.

I missed you.

Do you want to exchange presents now?

I've been dying to give you your gift.
I think you'll really love it.

I didn't get you anything.

Oh, that's okay. Having
you close is enough.

This is for you.

I don't feel comfortable
accepting that.

What?

- I said I didn't get you anything.
- It's okay, it's Christmas.

I'm just feeling, um...suffocated.

What with the gifts and the letters,
and you saying you missed me.

- I did...I did miss you.
- Well, I didn't ask you to.

What's going on? Did...did
something happen?

It was the letter I wrote, wasn't it?

I want to stop that, too.

Why?

Because I can't be the guy
waiting around for letters

or writing words that I don't mean.

- Don't say that.
- I don't.

The sex is one thing, but I'm
no good at relationships.

- And I can't be in one, not with you.
- Everything was so good.

- Everything was so good for you.
- And it wasn't for you?

I'm just trying to be honest.

- I'm sorry.
- It was that letter, wasn't it?

It was everything.

Okay.

- I've given you so many chances.
- Well, you shouldn't have.

I'm not worth it.

(Door opens and closes)

You did a good job on the turkey, Mum.

Actually, I ruined the turkey.

- Who made this?
- I did.

And the stuffing and the bread sauce.

And the Pink Charlene.

The Pink Charlene is divine.

Yeah.

- Eleanor, are you okay?
- No.

It's been a long and unexpected day,

but in the absence of Dad,

I suppose it's incumbent upon me

to remind everyone how fortunate we are

for the food and for everyone's company.

When I was stranded on that island

I would have given anything
for this moment with you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- I wasn't on an island...
- Liam.

..and I'm not sure it's
incumbent upon anyone

to remind us of anything in
the absence of our father.

Regardless, here's to a happy Christmas

and to ushering in a new year

where hopefully everyone's
a little less full of shit

than they are this year,
especially my brother.

Here's to Liam for being
disgraceful today.

- To Robert blowing me.
- Enough!

Would you pass the...

- Who's giving the address tonight?
- I am.

- The hell you are.
- Look who I found.

I'm the King, I'll give the speech.

Robert is giving the Christmas address.

If he does,

I'm going to moon the
entire United Kingdom

on live television.

They might even get a
glimpse of my jingle bells.

Bell.

- What's "moon" mean?
- Robert is not giving my address.

- Cyrus!
- I'll give it.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

Well, A: You assaulted Beck
on our balcony appearance

and B: You've pretty much
been an arsehole all day.

Robert is giving it.

- Full moon this Christmas.
- Shut up!

Everyone, shut up about
the stupid speech.

Just cancel it. Do you think
that Christmas won't come

if we cancel the stupid speech?

God.

Look at us.

Your father would be
aghast if he could see us.

Well, you better fix it...
we better fix it.

What's it going to take?

Does anyone know what
would fix this mess?

Ooh!

- Yes, Sara Alice?
- Presents.

We don't give presents in
this family, sweetheart.

What about the secret presents,
the ones from Santa Claus?

There is no Santa Claus.

- Other than me, I mean.
- Of course there's a Santa Claus.

He already left you some presents.
I'll show you.

What have you got?

Is it from Santa?

(ELEANOR) No.

They're from Dad.

(NOVO AMOR: Anchor)

(ROBERT) Eleanor.

"You've given up so much.

All I ever wanted was
for you to be happy."

It was my favorite perfume
when I met your father.

But he was allergic to it,
so I had to give it up.

"You're not the untold story.

You're the secret weapon."

Huh! That son of a bitch.

This is actually for Lucius.
I must've already been...

..gone.

"Son...you're stronger than you know.

Keep going... the world can't beat you."

Dad's boxing gloves.

He'd have wanted you to have these.

- You and Dad were the fighters.
- He gave them to you.

It's his watch.

I loved this watch.

He used to always tell me

that our time together as a family

was the most important
thing in the world.

"The time has come for you to be great.

Because you are.

I'm so proud of you.

Your dad."

I'll give the speech.

I'd like to.

It's midnight, it's Christmas.

And here in the palace

all is calm and all is bright.

But that doesn't mean that
we don't have our share

of difficulties and struggles.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I...I know it's late, um,...

I just wanted to see you.

Not to pressure you or change your mind.

Just to say letting you go and...

..and being away from you
has been impossible for me.

Liam, we both know

that the right thing to do
is to walk away from this.

It was, and...

and it is.

I'm sorry.

I know you have a history with Robert,

but you have a future with me.

I want you and I will fight for you.

Unless you tell me to stop.

Are you going to tell me to stop?

Yes. You have to.

If Robert hadn't been taken from us,

you and I would never have happened.

And when we lost him, I would have
given anything to have him back

and I know that you would have, too.

I know it hurts.

But...this is how...

..things are supposed to be.

So I've been told.

(Door opens and closes)

Christmas is hard sometimes.

Families are hard.

But being alone sometimes
is the hardest of all.

It's me.

(BEAR'S DEN: Roses On A Breeze)

Um...I wanted to call

and wish you a Merry Christmas

and tell you that...

I hope it was worth it.

How much did she pay you, Dad?
How much did you get?

Because...

..whatever it was it wasn't enough.

You will never know
what you just cost me.

You will never know the
depth of what I just lost.

I always wondered if I was...

if I was destined to be just like you.

So, thank you for showing
me that I'm not.

That is the greatest gift you
could ever have given me.

Did you give her the present yet?

No. No, not yet. She gets so
many things at Christmas,

so I'm going to wait a little bit.

I want to keep it a surprise, okay?

So you have to keep it a secret.

I didn't have time to make your present.
I'm sorry.

That's okay. How about a hug?

(ELEANOR) 'We've all been bruised a bit

and we've had our hearts broken.

But we are a nation of fighters,

so that's what we do.

We get up, we move on, we fight.'

'We face the things
that are bigger than us

with dignity and with courage.

And we ask for help when we need it.'

I want you to have these.

If Dad knew you were still alive,

he'd have left them to you.

But he didn't, so enjoy them.

You finally have something that I don't.

The People's Gala's coming up.

I challenge you to spar for charity.

You and me in the ring, three rounds.

You really think you can last that long?

I guess we'll find out, won't we?
Keep the gloves.

I'll win them back in the fight.

Sparrow, I'm not gonna
apologize for being alive.

For coming home.

I say thank you every day

for the fact that you're
back and alive and well.

- But I won't apologize, either.
- For what?

For being the person I've
become since you left.

See you in the ring.

'We get up, we move on, we fight.

The time for you to be great is now.

Because you are.

I'm proud of you.'

'Merry Christmas.'

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