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For the past few years, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington
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00:00:19,902 --> 00:00:24,902
have been meeting regularly
for a series of pointless conversations
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and this is one of them
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Ricky: Testing. Is that right?
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Ricky: Hello and welcome
to the Ricky Gervais show
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with me Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.
Hello
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and the little round headed
buff on that is Karl Pilkington.
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All right.
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The Ricky Gervais Show 03x13 sync and corrections
by bellows and Sp8ky for www.Addic7ed.Com
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- ****
- Go on.
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Nah, I'm just saying you know, when
you look it like that over a year.
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Yeah.
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It's the last stuff that's going on
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what's * for you?
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If you were doing your own review of the
year, what would you put in the front cover?
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Uhh the day I grew up, I was...
I was eating biscuits.
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All right.
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Just because you know, it's uh.. I never
thought of saying that this year.
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So it was just...
I was there on the computer.
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Just having a cup of tea and a biscuit
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and I put th biscuit on the windowsill
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- so I picked it up.
- Why would you do that?
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Why did you have a biscuit
on the windowsill?
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Because I'm sat next to the windowsill.
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It's like some sort of cartoon.
I put the pie on the windowsill to cool down.
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Yeah.
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*** stole it.
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So I was eating that and
uh I was enjoying it.
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Put the rest of it back down from
next right after the cup tea.
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And uh I saw.
*** down. This is...
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Well, we'll read about
this later in the diary.
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So and then I saw like
a little crumb moving
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and I thought what is going on there?
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: Yeh.
- So I looked down closer
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and there's an insect, that is see-through
but with legs.
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And just sort of running off with a crumb
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until I could ***
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and when I looked I noticed there
were lots of these little see thru things
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and they were obviously all like: Oh a
biscuit.
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00:02:07,449 --> 00:02:11,096
That's exactly
what they were saying.
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Let's all get over here.
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Like I said it was amazing cos it was
they're Miles away from what I am about.
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Karl: - And yet.
Bug: - Not that far.
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But they still like a bit of biscuit
and they just wait that that happen
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and...
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Karl: That's what's nice, isn't it?
That's what's nice
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about the nature of the world.
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You know we can invent iPods.
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We can bring out better vacuum cleaners.
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Erm.. At the end of the day,
you can't make nature up.
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- And see the see-through thing eating a biscuit.
- :- You did.
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Err.. That's why of sort of where I've gone
this year... I'd say uh anything.
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I've sort of gone anywhere to...
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00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:52,599
...to learn
more stuff about weird stuff.
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I don't know what you've learnt.
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- You've learnt that uh...
- A creature which you can't even identify
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you don't know, right?
You don't know what it is
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looked like it nicked a bit of crumb?
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I don't know what knowledge is that.
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What is that, how is that useful?
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- Just because everything is changing.
- But it's not useful.
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It's not useful to you and
it's not useful to anybody.
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You can't pass that on that as knowledge
cos you don't know what it was.
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- But Karl thinks...
- But why happens, why it happens?
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Rick, Karl thinks that the
grub has *** a taste ***
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- in the same way that Karl does.
- Yeh
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that's why he's amazed.
He says I can't believe it.
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We both love hoblops.
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***
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what I am saying is that these
things have been around for years.
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- Yes.
- Maybe longer than us.
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- Yes.
- Right?
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Now, their life isn't changing
in the way that I was at.
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They live in a little crack in the wall.
Yes.
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But, they're eating biscuit
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- prfffff.
- And that was never meant to happen.
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The squirrels in the park, there's people
feeding them Mars bars and everything.
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They're getting fatter, they're getting
bigger, they're getting more violent
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now all the time, you know, they're gonna
cause more trouble in there.
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00:04:05,126 --> 00:04:06,348
Well, what makes you
think they are violent?
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Just cos when I'm sat in the
park and what have you.
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They really like coffee
and they come at you now,
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and sort of just jump up on the bench
and sort of attack you for food.
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They are not happy with acrons now,
they want a bit of croissant.
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00:04:18,303 --> 00:04:20,803
And that's what I am
saying, they've changed.
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They are changing all the time.
Just when that grub having a biscuit.
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Everything's just trying
different food out.
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They'll eat a gato soon
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everything is getting more intelligent.
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00:04:29,108 --> 00:04:30,108
The goldfish.
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Memory's got better.
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Chickens are more intelligent than
people thought they were apparently.
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Everything's...
time, time makes you more intelligent.
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Well..
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No, they do. That's a fact, isn't it?
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If you're knocking around longer,
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then you'll learning more, cos more
stuff is going on and you soak it up.
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And this is what these insects are doing.
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They are all learning.
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- You know what I mean?
- No.
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00:04:58,137 --> 00:05:00,132
I saw a cockroach playing PacMan.
102
00:05:03,672 --> 00:05:08,208
It was on the Internet, right, and somebody
had linked to the cockroach to a...
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00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,544
So, I can't even
bother explaining it but...
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00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:16,516
But that's what I am saying,
everything's moving on.
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Stephen: Yeah, but, but pac
man was such an old game
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it was like before the Internet.
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Yeah, the cockroach is so good.
Get a life, man. Hello Playstation 3?
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Hello? Hello? Yesterday's
cockroach. Oh fucking hell.
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All I am saying is I do watch
a lot of insects and stuff
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and you never see them wasting time.
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They're always doing something.
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An ant is carrying
something somewhere.
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Sometimes I am watching it and it
goes somewhere and it comes back again.
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I think it doesn't know what it is doing.
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But at least it is trying.
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What is it doing? What is
the ant doing?
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Work.
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He's building a house or..
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What's the point? It's
everything he does is pointless!
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00:05:53,992 --> 00:05:56,245
- How can you say that?
- It's pointless, it's just..
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I'll tell you what.
If there was a bigger sort of being
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looking over the world and they went like,
right, let's look at the human race.
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00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:05,493
And, oh, they'd look at that ants first.
And they'd go, right.
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00:06:05,613 --> 00:06:08,366
They've got their hands full.
They are carrying big stuff.
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00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:11,471
They're trying to save time by carrying
stuff that's way too much for them, really.
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00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,306
They could do that between
three of them, but they don't.
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00:06:14,346 --> 00:06:17,246
They are all grafting hard and they
go right, hit the human button.
128
00:06:17,546 --> 00:06:19,446
They hit the human button
and they watch the humans.
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00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:21,948
The amount of people
who are sat about doing naught
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00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,851
lily Allen, in London
at 2:00 A.M. so what?
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00:06:25,047 --> 00:06:28,724
What are we doing? - I agree with you,
but what are you doing?
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00:06:28,797 --> 00:06:31,196
You see, the Allen analogy, joking aside,
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I think there you hit on the fact that
life is about working for what you get,
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and I am right behind that.
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00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,234
I am right behind that.
136
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,571
I think that
I think that's absolutely true.
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00:06:44,691 --> 00:06:48,041
So then what's dangerous.
Boiling kettle to an ant.
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00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:51,755
At the end of the day, right,
you know, that's that's evil. Isn't it?
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What?
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00:06:53,032 --> 00:06:54,547
You know, I don't...
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00:06:54,550 --> 00:06:57,150
I mean since I was making
out as the medieval man.
142
00:06:57,251 --> 00:07:00,820
We've had an ant problem.
In the garden.
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00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,058
Suzanne said we've gotta get rid of these.
144
00:07:03,091 --> 00:07:05,691
I said: These are a bit out of
order, they are out outside.
145
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:09,194
Yes, but it's getting a lot of them
and she went and put the kettle on.
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00:07:09,197 --> 00:07:12,397
I said I can't handle this.
I went in, all right?
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00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:16,236
What, you didn't want to see the ants dead.
That's sweet, you know, that there.
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00:07:16,313 --> 00:07:20,313
Yeah, they might be causing a problem
but I don't wanna see this, this mess.
149
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:23,415
I think when she went out,
she poured the hot water on it
150
00:07:23,416 --> 00:07:25,715
and that ***.
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I went out, had a cup of tea and
thought, ******.
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00:07:28,917 --> 00:07:32,375
So I took my cup of tea
out there and sat there,
153
00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:37,558
and then I just saw one come
back from wherever he'd be.
154
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Karl: One ant.
It looked devastated.
155
00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:44,391
Because that might have been away.
156
00:07:44,511 --> 00:07:47,168
As far as I was concerned he'd
been out to get a leaf or whatever.
157
00:07:47,169 --> 00:07:48,870
Came back. Devastation.
158
00:07:50,639 --> 00:07:52,574
And 'sit that what...
That, that's the thing...
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00:07:52,608 --> 00:07:54,810
It summed up death
for me, that.
160
00:07:54,844 --> 00:07:57,313
The, the ants are dead,
they didn't know anything.
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00:07:57,384 --> 00:08:00,384
Suddenly, they were there,
next minute lots of water. Dead.
162
00:08:00,885 --> 00:08:03,453
It's the people who are
still living in life.
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00:08:03,487 --> 00:08:05,421
That are the saddest, aren't
they, after death? Yeah
164
00:08:05,456 --> 00:08:06,423
and that summed it up.
165
00:08:06,457 --> 00:08:07,557
What do you think...
166
00:08:07,592 --> 00:08:09,926
I think the ant'd been better off
being there when it happened.
167
00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:11,527
How could you tell the ant was?
168
00:08:11,562 --> 00:08:14,030
So ***... I mean they run
around in circles anyway, don't they?
169
00:08:14,065 --> 00:08:15,899
But this was just kind
of what was going on.
170
00:08:15,933 --> 00:08:18,035
What did it do to slow down,
when you got near the nest?
171
00:08:18,069 --> 00:08:21,905
Did it drop the leaf and
you'd see it run the last few inches?
172
00:08:21,940 --> 00:08:25,576
It, it just kind of got close,
a double-take almost.
173
00:08:26,971 --> 00:08:30,034
Almost like it has gotten here ***
and it was like "hang on a minute"
174
00:08:30,154 --> 00:08:31,462
this can't be it, there's no one around".
175
00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:33,089
Then he walks in it, "no
this is the home".
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00:08:33,209 --> 00:08:36,053
They went back, and then he just stops for
a minute
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00:08:36,173 --> 00:08:39,758
and that for me, that's the sort of
thoughts,
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00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:42,291
things that you can look at as a human.
179
00:08:42,292 --> 00:08:44,694
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Appreciate, and understand it.
180
00:08:44,729 --> 00:08:46,929
And go like, yes, that is
true, that is like life.
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00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:49,666
Instead of oh am I awake
or am I asleep or what.
182
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,638
Well, might as well be asleep
because you're doing nothing else.
183
00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:54,710
Oh God.
184
00:08:57,111 --> 00:08:58,811
I was at the supermarket recently.
185
00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:03,663
Just walking past the condoms.
186
00:09:03,783 --> 00:09:06,918
Ah, and uh, you never know when you're
gonna run out of balloons.
187
00:09:08,656 --> 00:09:13,491
And uh, it was weird because
the condoms in the supermarket
188
00:09:13,492 --> 00:09:16,427
are contained in a kind of
cane in a plastic cage.
189
00:09:16,862 --> 00:09:20,831
So it makes it all the more
embarrassing buying them.
190
00:09:20,866 --> 00:09:23,570
Try to open this thing and, and
this guy who works there
191
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,807
he's always a sort of middle aged guy,
and he works and he is:
192
00:09:25,808 --> 00:09:29,308
You have to take that to the checkin.
193
00:09:29,309 --> 00:09:30,809
Sorry, you can't open that yourself.
194
00:09:31,230 --> 00:09:35,005
And so I just left it there, I thought forget it.
I'm not gonna take these to the...
195
00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:39,149
Cos if you get served by a woman, it's
sort of, it's a bit embarrassing..
196
00:09:39,269 --> 00:09:42,386
Cos that's all you are buying.
197
00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:44,522
Cause she knows
what you're up to.
198
00:09:44,556 --> 00:09:47,057
You're gonna fill 'em up with water
and throw 'em at students.
199
00:09:47,091 --> 00:09:48,959
And, um, but anyway..
200
00:09:48,993 --> 00:09:50,861
The reason I am mentioning
this is cause it reminds me
201
00:09:50,896 --> 00:09:53,364
of the conversation we've
all enjoyed in the past, Rick.
202
00:09:53,366 --> 00:09:58,837
About when Karl bought for
his girlfriend for Christmas,
203
00:09:58,839 --> 00:10:00,639
- was it a?
- A two pack.
204
00:10:00,673 --> 00:10:03,208
- A two pack.
- Yeah wasn't it - ..Of condoms.
205
00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:06,044
Wasn't it buy one get one free?
206
00:10:06,079 --> 00:10:06,900
Yeah.
207
00:10:07,154 --> 00:10:11,017
So that was a couple of years ago, Karl.
The thing was "condomgate."
208
00:10:11,053 --> 00:10:13,554
Have you *** your
eyelids up since then?
209
00:10:13,587 --> 00:10:15,487
I just think as time goes on...
210
00:10:15,488 --> 00:10:18,490
You don't sort of buy
each other as many presents.
211
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,191
Oh, sorry, that was bumper year, was it?
212
00:10:20,226 --> 00:10:22,460
That was, that was a hell of a...
213
00:10:22,462 --> 00:10:25,464
Oh, I remember when I used
to buy this stuff like condoms.
214
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:28,758
It's gone downhill since then.
Oh no, she didn't know she was getting them.
215
00:10:29,102 --> 00:10:31,337
- What I mean is this last ...!
Ricky: Of course she didn't.
216
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:32,773
That's what, that's what I mean, though.
217
00:10:32,807 --> 00:10:35,041
It was sort of interesting too, too,
when I gave 'em to her and said,
218
00:10:35,075 --> 00:10:36,209
"there you go, open them."
219
00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:37,910
She was not expecting that.
220
00:10:37,945 --> 00:10:39,079
And as time goes on...
221
00:10:39,113 --> 00:10:42,448
No, she was probably expectin'
a piece jewelry or a holiday in Paris.
222
00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:45,818
It's more difficult when you need
to surprise someone isn't over time
223
00:10:45,823 --> 00:10:49,192
no, but no, no, no, no, but the surprise
thing is always meant to be a good surprise.
224
00:10:49,225 --> 00:10:52,825
Yes, but don't.
If you always get something good,.
225
00:10:53,226 --> 00:10:54,827
It's like the three wise men.
226
00:10:54,961 --> 00:10:57,296
What did they get the second year
to the little baby Jesus?
227
00:10:58,064 --> 00:11:00,131
You know what I mean?
Once he's had that gold...
228
00:11:00,166 --> 00:11:02,403
It's like, oh, I, I've.
229
00:11:02,523 --> 00:11:04,839
I've sold all my artwork, myself.
I've gotta get,
230
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:07,372
I've gotta get him something
better than that now.
231
00:11:07,373 --> 00:11:09,474
It's best to give
him the myrrh and...
232
00:11:09,509 --> 00:11:11,643
Ricky: And next year,
get him the gold
233
00:11:11,678 --> 00:11:13,713
it is like, you know,
how people make a
234
00:11:13,746 --> 00:11:16,146
big thing out of have it
away for the first time.
235
00:11:16,383 --> 00:11:18,217
And they go, "oh I'm
gonna hat tonight.:".
236
00:11:18,251 --> 00:11:22,721
Not the way to do anything.
You won't get anything done by planning.
237
00:11:22,755 --> 00:11:26,358
That's a quote.
That's an amazing quote.
238
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,328
That would be up there with
Newton and Churchill...
239
00:11:29,829 --> 00:11:31,764
That: You don't get
anything done by planning.
240
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,507
Oh, he's only gone and written
down for a whole fuckin' year.
241
00:11:44,277 --> 00:11:47,813
That, of course, signifies
another reading of Karl's diary.
242
00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:50,583
Let's make the most of it. Let's enjoy
some of the wisdom of Karl pilkington.
243
00:11:50,717 --> 00:11:56,056
I also think, it's the last time ever we
will make an entry in this diary because
244
00:11:56,389 --> 00:11:58,222
you're not gonna keep it, are you?
245
00:11:58,257 --> 00:12:01,526
I don't know yet. I might
just get a smaller one.
246
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:06,564
But I found that since keeping a diary,
I've gone out of me way to more stuff.
247
00:12:06,598 --> 00:12:09,534
Well you say that but...
248
00:12:09,568 --> 00:12:11,536
Well, let's, let's find out.
Let's find out if that's true.
249
00:12:11,570 --> 00:12:13,705
- No, I have.
- Stephen: I read a bit in the news...
250
00:12:13,739 --> 00:12:17,876
About people being injured
while trying to cut open avocados.
251
00:12:17,878 --> 00:12:20,812
It's food that ain't
worth injuring yourself for.
252
00:12:20,846 --> 00:12:24,249
If it's a hassle to get into,
well, leave it to the experts.
253
00:12:24,355 --> 00:12:29,789
I have never bought one. I've also
avoided coconuts and pineapples.
254
00:12:31,323 --> 00:12:34,825
The amount of hassle to get into these
things outweighs the joys they give.
255
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,427
Karl: Yeah.
256
00:12:36,461 --> 00:12:38,262
It's the same reason why I never
bought a pair of Dr. Martin boots.
257
00:12:38,297 --> 00:12:40,198
"Too much hassle when
it's time to take 'em off."
258
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,200
Yeah, a lot of me mates used
to wear 'em in the 80s.
259
00:12:43,202 --> 00:12:45,271
You know, that, you can't
just kick 'em off, can you?
260
00:12:45,304 --> 00:12:46,404
It's a big upheaval.
261
00:12:46,705 --> 00:12:49,073
Karl, you can unlace them, you know.
262
00:12:49,074 --> 00:12:53,545
All, yeah, I mean since found shoes
with velcro, you know what I mean?
263
00:12:53,546 --> 00:12:54,846
Why don't you get 'em sponsored?
264
00:12:54,847 --> 00:12:57,447
Cause you could wear a velcro toupee.
Stephen:
265
00:12:57,481 --> 00:12:59,349
Cause that would be great
if we could do that.
266
00:12:59,351 --> 00:13:01,951
If someone could invent a I
little hair piece for Karl...
267
00:13:01,985 --> 00:13:04,954
Velcro's a little bit of Fluffy's
got on the top of his head,
268
00:13:04,988 --> 00:13:06,456
his shiny,
orange-like head.
269
00:13:06,525 --> 00:13:09,693
Pop a little velcro toupee on.
I would love that.
270
00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:11,327
I would to get him wearing a wig.
271
00:13:11,528 --> 00:13:15,330
"Watched a program about twins
this morning. It was filmed 16 years ago."
272
00:13:15,365 --> 00:13:18,534
"They are mental. They did everything
together including the vacuum up."
273
00:13:18,569 --> 00:13:20,870
"Phone calls had to happen twice, so
they could both have the same chat."
274
00:13:20,904 --> 00:13:23,205
And they said the same stuff at the
same time.
275
00:13:23,239 --> 00:13:24,606
Well weird.
276
00:13:24,641 --> 00:13:26,541
The bloke who I watched it with
277
00:13:26,576 --> 00:13:28,144
I don't who that is, just
some homeless guy
278
00:13:28,177 --> 00:13:29,477
you just invited into the flat?
279
00:13:29,478 --> 00:13:31,011
No, just someone I've been
sort of working with.
280
00:13:31,013 --> 00:13:32,079
Yes, sure, a mate of yours.
281
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:35,015
"He said he fantasized about
having a way with the pair of twins."
282
00:13:35,016 --> 00:13:36,757
I don't see the point in this.
283
00:13:36,776 --> 00:13:41,289
"If you're gonna have two of something.
I'd prefer to have two different women."
284
00:13:41,323 --> 00:13:44,125
"If I had two cars, I wouldn't
have the same one twice."
285
00:13:44,192 --> 00:13:45,760
"Same rule with women."
286
00:13:45,794 --> 00:13:49,864
"I don't even normally like buying
the same pair of trainers twice in a row."
287
00:13:49,898 --> 00:13:53,468
No, if you're gonna have something new,
make it, make a change.
288
00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:56,403
"It's like that fellow who
was going out with a woman,"
289
00:13:56,437 --> 00:13:58,372
and then left her and went
out with her twin sister.
290
00:13:58,406 --> 00:14:00,474
Not worth it.
291
00:14:00,509 --> 00:14:02,176
Not worth it.
292
00:14:02,178 --> 00:14:06,647
It's not worth the upheaval, is it?
Cause it is exactly the same model.
293
00:14:06,682 --> 00:14:08,849
"My theory about reading
old news is right."
294
00:14:08,884 --> 00:14:11,452
"It's less bad when
you know it's old."
295
00:14:11,486 --> 00:14:14,222
There was a story about
a weatherman who was fired yesterday,
296
00:14:14,256 --> 00:14:17,092
"for having a nude picture
of himself on the Internet.
297
00:14:17,126 --> 00:14:19,061
"But that happen two days ago."
298
00:14:19,095 --> 00:14:21,497
"He's probably got
another job by now."
299
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:23,467
"So, old news isn't as shocking."
300
00:14:23,470 --> 00:14:26,270
Well, old news isn't news though is it?
301
00:14:26,670 --> 00:14:28,270
It's olds.
302
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:31,339
What are you doing?
Just reading the olds?
303
00:14:31,406 --> 00:14:33,775
No, but what I, what I
mean is, if someone...
304
00:14:33,809 --> 00:14:36,477
Stick the video on of, uh
last week's news,
305
00:14:36,512 --> 00:14:38,646
I just wanna catch up on the olds.
306
00:14:38,681 --> 00:14:40,551
Yeah but, but then it's still
news if you,
307
00:14:40,584 --> 00:14:43,384
news is something
that you don't know, isn't it?
308
00:14:43,485 --> 00:14:44,685
- If someone tells you...
- But that's everything to you.
309
00:14:44,719 --> 00:14:46,420
- That's information,
- Karl, not news. - Yeah.
310
00:14:46,454 --> 00:14:48,088
But news is information.
311
00:14:48,123 --> 00:14:50,658
No, the key, the key with
news is the word "new".
312
00:14:52,027 --> 00:14:54,395
- No, no, no I don't think it is. Is it?
- It is.
313
00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:56,965
It's, it's just, it's just information but
they tell you at ten o'clock at night.
314
00:14:56,999 --> 00:14:58,499
It's like, what information's
going on?
315
00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:00,201
Bong.
Here's some information.
316
00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:02,570
Ricky: Yeah, that you didn't know
before cause you couldn't have
317
00:15:02,604 --> 00:15:03,604
cause it only happened today.
318
00:15:03,639 --> 00:15:04,552
Bong.
Yeah...
319
00:15:04,672 --> 00:15:07,275
But never mind that.
I'll tell you in a couple of days.
320
00:15:07,309 --> 00:15:09,010
It doesn't matter as long as
you get the same info. Bong.
321
00:15:09,044 --> 00:15:11,346
Yeah, we can't call it news,
though, cause it's misleading.
322
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:13,748
We get done.
It's called olds. Bong!
323
00:15:13,783 --> 00:15:15,483
Yeah, but listen to me theory.
324
00:15:15,517 --> 00:15:18,720
What I'm saying is, is that
if someone in your family...
325
00:15:18,755 --> 00:15:22,690
You know, I don't wanna bring the tone
down but someone dies in your family.
326
00:15:22,725 --> 00:15:24,759
Ricky: Hmm.
Now say if you're away on holiday,
327
00:15:24,794 --> 00:15:27,930
and they don't call you because
they don't wanna ruin your holiday.
328
00:15:27,964 --> 00:15:31,233
And you come home and they
go, Uncle Frank's dead.
329
00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:33,435
And you go, oh, when
did that happen?
330
00:15:33,469 --> 00:15:35,536
And they go, two weeks ago.
331
00:15:35,571 --> 00:15:40,007
Now because everyone else has got
over it, it's not as bad for you.
332
00:15:40,042 --> 00:15:43,144
Because part of bad news is the way
everyone's walking around moping, going,
333
00:15:43,178 --> 00:15:45,513
"oh, have you heard the news?
Frank's dead."
334
00:15:45,548 --> 00:15:49,450
But because everyone's got
over it, time is a healer.
335
00:15:49,485 --> 00:15:51,887
That's what, that's what
I mean about old news.
336
00:15:51,921 --> 00:15:53,622
It's better than new news.
But, you, but, but...
337
00:15:53,656 --> 00:15:56,793
Yeah, but according to you, the
only news that really matters is...
338
00:15:56,827 --> 00:15:58,328
Stuff that affects you.
339
00:15:58,362 --> 00:16:00,196
So it doesn't matter
when you, uh...
340
00:16:00,231 --> 00:16:02,432
There was an earthquake.
Yesterday. When was it?
341
00:16:02,466 --> 00:16:04,100
Phew, that's all right, then.
342
00:16:04,135 --> 00:16:05,802
Often the aftermath is
worse than the actual event.
343
00:16:05,837 --> 00:16:08,304
Two, you only care about things
that actually happen to you, so...
344
00:16:08,339 --> 00:16:10,073
The doctor goes, you
got a kidney stone.
345
00:16:10,141 --> 00:16:11,441
Oh, when did this happen?
346
00:16:11,475 --> 00:16:13,710
Uh, two weeks ago.
Oh, it's all right then.
347
00:16:13,744 --> 00:16:15,078
Doesn't make sense.
348
00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:16,379
No, but the world...
349
00:16:16,413 --> 00:16:18,581
You're not, you're not upset
about dead Uncle Frank...
350
00:16:18,615 --> 00:16:20,516
Just because other
people are upset.
351
00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:23,352
You'd be upset personally. Wouldn't make any
difference when you, when they told you.
352
00:16:23,387 --> 00:16:28,324
Yeah, but it, it is everyone else's
emotions that, that make it worse, I think.
353
00:16:28,359 --> 00:16:31,060
Knocking around people
who are miserable.
354
00:16:31,095 --> 00:16:33,063
What about warnings?
355
00:16:33,097 --> 00:16:37,100
What about when they do things like smog
warnings or, you know, there may be a...
356
00:16:37,135 --> 00:16:39,570
I don't like it on the news when
they sort of say, "news just in."
357
00:16:39,604 --> 00:16:40,938
I think, oh, what's this?
358
00:16:40,972 --> 00:16:42,239
You think, oh, what's going on?
359
00:16:42,274 --> 00:16:43,574
But it might be
useful to know it.
360
00:16:43,608 --> 00:16:44,742
It might be important
information.
361
00:16:44,776 --> 00:16:46,243
No it just makes you panic.
362
00:16:46,278 --> 00:16:50,382
What, yeah but, but sometimes
knowing stuff keeps you alive.
363
00:16:50,416 --> 00:16:52,951
Yeah, I, I don't
know if I like it.
364
00:16:52,985 --> 00:16:55,020
It's, sirens, you see, I
don't like sirens, do I?
365
00:16:55,054 --> 00:16:57,990
I've said to you I think it's a scary noise.
366
00:16:58,024 --> 00:17:00,026
But it's meant to be so
you get out of the way.
367
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,262
No, no, it's not meant to be.
It's, it's a sign to get out of the way.
368
00:17:03,297 --> 00:17:05,331
I prefer it, if it, like I've said...
There's a voice...
369
00:17:05,365 --> 00:17:07,500
Hiya, could you
just move out of the way for us?
370
00:17:07,534 --> 00:17:09,202
It can be anything as long as
we, it can be a chicken noise.
371
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:12,038
But as long as you know...
Well, that's not gonna freak people out.
372
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,439
No, but it sort of
make you smile.
373
00:17:13,474 --> 00:17:15,508
But you, you'd go, oh,
let's get out of the way.
374
00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:18,044
What, you're cycling along and you hear what
sounds like a giant chicken behind you.
375
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:19,979
Ricky: And you smile...
376
00:17:20,014 --> 00:17:22,048
Cause you know that even though
someone is burning to death,
377
00:17:23,451 --> 00:17:25,185
There's something
clucking in my way.
378
00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:26,653
Ricky:
doo doo do
do
379
00:17:26,688 --> 00:17:28,856
doo doo do do
380
00:17:28,890 --> 00:17:30,658
Stephen: Oh, that's probably
a guy having a heart attack.
381
00:17:32,194 --> 00:17:33,661
"Going to me mom
and dad's today."
382
00:17:33,696 --> 00:17:36,798
Oh. "Got there and mom and dad,
mom made him some dinner."
383
00:17:36,832 --> 00:17:39,701
"The old woman next door," brackets,
"whose mam was a witch..."
384
00:17:39,735 --> 00:17:41,670
Just popped that in brackets.
385
00:17:41,704 --> 00:17:43,062
Just popped that in brackets...
386
00:17:43,182 --> 00:17:46,541
I think we've discusses that before, actually,
the old woman whose mam was a witch.
387
00:17:46,575 --> 00:17:47,875
Whose mam was a witch.
388
00:17:47,910 --> 00:17:49,311
Yeah.
Oh.
389
00:17:49,345 --> 00:17:51,246
"The old woman next
door has been worrying,"
390
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,982
"cause she keeps seeing adverts on the
telly about changing to digital TV."
391
00:17:55,919 --> 00:17:57,881
"She's saying she doesn't want wires drilled
into her walls because that'll make a mess."
392
00:17:58,001 --> 00:18:00,289
"Me dad told her that
it doesn't matter..."
393
00:18:00,323 --> 00:18:04,193
"Because it probably won't happen until
2012, and she'll be dead by then."
394
00:18:04,227 --> 00:18:05,961
He didn't say that to her, though?
No, he did.
395
00:18:05,996 --> 00:18:07,429
They've got, you
know, she's old.
396
00:18:07,464 --> 00:18:08,998
It doesn't, she knows
she's gonna die.
397
00:18:09,032 --> 00:18:10,633
I mean it's something
we all got in common.
398
00:18:10,667 --> 00:18:12,601
And he's right, isn't he,
why is she worrying about it?
399
00:18:12,636 --> 00:18:15,405
Maybe that's sorted it out, put
it into perspective for her.
400
00:18:15,439 --> 00:18:18,541
You will be dead when this happens.
Don't be worrying about it.
401
00:18:18,576 --> 00:18:20,677
"Went to bed around midnight.
402
00:18:20,711 --> 00:18:25,549
"Suzanne and I decided to sleep tops and
tails cause it meant we got a bit more room.
403
00:18:25,583 --> 00:18:29,486
"Me dad had cut a bit off the mattress
to fit it between two cupboards."
404
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,755
"It's amazing how much
of a difference it makes,"
405
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:33,590
"just sawing off a
bit of the mattress."
406
00:18:33,625 --> 00:18:36,693
"You sort of roll to the edge but the
weight of the blankets keeps you in."
407
00:18:36,728 --> 00:18:39,663
This is like something
from a Roald dahl book.
408
00:18:39,698 --> 00:18:41,732
No, it's just, it's just, uh...
409
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:44,369
You know, you think, anything
you can sort of trim anything.
410
00:18:44,403 --> 00:18:46,705
Can't you, and it
normally works?
411
00:18:46,739 --> 00:18:50,709
But with a mattress, I mean he only took
off, I don't know what, how long that is.
412
00:18:50,743 --> 00:18:52,477
But he's sawing off about
that much on the mattress,
413
00:18:52,511 --> 00:18:54,412
and then has stapled
it back together again.
414
00:18:54,447 --> 00:18:56,347
Amazing. And it just makes
so much difference.
415
00:18:56,382 --> 00:18:59,484
Of course it does, cause a mattress
is a very carefully-designed object.
416
00:18:59,518 --> 00:19:01,186
Yeah you wouldn't think
so, though, would you?
417
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:03,655
Well you would if you had a
fucking brain in your nog.
418
00:19:05,325 --> 00:19:09,027
Ricky: So we decided to sleep tops and tails.
He just gets stranger.
419
00:19:09,062 --> 00:19:10,762
Stephen: So strange. Why?
420
00:19:10,797 --> 00:19:14,533
He did it to make the room nicer with
the, with the cupboards on either side.
421
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:16,702
So he sawed a mattress in half?
422
00:19:16,736 --> 00:19:18,403
Well, not in half.
423
00:19:18,438 --> 00:19:21,073
Can you imagine how must hard it
must be to saw a mattress in half?
424
00:19:21,107 --> 00:19:23,408
What did he use, what,
a big electric saw?
425
00:19:23,443 --> 00:19:25,744
Karl: I, it must have been, yeah, cause
there's a lot of Springs and stuff in there.
426
00:19:25,778 --> 00:19:27,946
Stephen: Jesus.
427
00:19:27,980 --> 00:19:29,681
Ricky: So what happened to the Springs?
They just spring out the sides?
428
00:19:29,716 --> 00:19:31,183
Karl: Well some, some sort
of stick out a little bit
429
00:19:31,217 --> 00:19:33,252
but you're not lying
on top, are you?
430
00:19:33,286 --> 00:19:36,022
They come out the side. So he's just got
a bit of gaffer tape and a staple gun.
431
00:19:36,056 --> 00:19:39,325
Unbelievable.
Man alive, it's like...
432
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,394
Does he run it as a hotel?
433
00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:45,831
That's unbelievable. There are squats
with better bedding arrangements.
434
00:19:45,866 --> 00:19:49,368
Stephen: "The mad woman next door
saw me and said, hello clive",
435
00:19:49,402 --> 00:19:51,437
"you live in a nursery rhyme."
436
00:19:51,471 --> 00:19:55,607
The old man down the road, the old
woman next door whose mom's a witch...
437
00:19:55,642 --> 00:19:57,943
Uncle alf who lives in a dingy.
438
00:19:57,977 --> 00:20:00,478
This is like,
not a real place!
439
00:20:00,513 --> 00:20:02,080
It's like fucking Narnia!
440
00:20:02,115 --> 00:20:04,149
Stephen: It's a children's
TV program.
441
00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:06,919
Unbelievable.
Oh, God.
442
00:20:06,953 --> 00:20:12,357
Oh, just all of them there on this broken
mattress trying to find the golden ticket.
443
00:20:12,392 --> 00:20:14,293
Oh, oh, God!
444
00:20:16,263 --> 00:20:18,397
Oh, God.
445
00:20:20,401 --> 00:20:22,435
So, uh, what's the big
thing of this year?
446
00:20:22,469 --> 00:20:25,972
What's the big thing so far?
You'll go, oh yeah, that was the year that...
447
00:20:26,006 --> 00:20:30,443
Uh, I haven't really been following what's
going on cause of other, other like,
448
00:20:30,478 --> 00:20:31,678
personal issues.
Well, yeah.
449
00:20:31,712 --> 00:20:33,546
What's the big, okay.
What's the big thing?
450
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,381
Well it's me boiler is playing up still.
Sick of it.
451
00:20:35,415 --> 00:20:38,017
Stephen: Your what?
Your boiler? Me boiler.
452
00:20:38,051 --> 00:20:40,920
The boiler that heats the water up and stuff.
Which it doesn't.
453
00:20:40,954 --> 00:20:42,188
Stephen: You know what
I do in that situation?
454
00:20:42,222 --> 00:20:44,190
I'd instantly get a repairman
out to sort it out.
455
00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:46,726
Done that.
Done that twice.
456
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,262
It was 80 quid for him just to say,
yeah, it looks like you need a new one.
457
00:20:50,297 --> 00:20:52,364
Ricky: Why don't you get a new one then?
Eighty quid call out.
458
00:20:52,399 --> 00:20:54,800
Because then you wondered, are
you meant to believe him...
459
00:20:54,834 --> 00:20:56,902
Or is he out to sort
of try and con you?
460
00:20:56,936 --> 00:20:59,037
Ricky: Well, he's the expert.
Yeah, but is he?
461
00:20:59,072 --> 00:21:00,906
Well, I don't know.
462
00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:02,407
It's like you're meant to get a
second opinion, aren't you like?
463
00:21:02,442 --> 00:21:03,249
So, that was the first time then.
464
00:21:03,369 --> 00:21:06,111
So what was the second time?
Who came out the second time? Same fella.
465
00:21:06,146 --> 00:21:07,646
Ricky: And what did he say?
Why have you called me?
466
00:21:07,681 --> 00:21:09,515
Stephen: Well, I thought you
were gonna get a second opinion?
467
00:21:09,549 --> 00:21:12,217
I know, but I called the company, and
they just sent him again because it...
468
00:21:12,252 --> 00:21:14,253
Stephen: Well, call a different company.
Ricky: What was it?
469
00:21:14,287 --> 00:21:16,489
No, no. What was his second opinion?
Eighty quid?
470
00:21:16,523 --> 00:21:18,991
Stephen: I undercharged you.
It's 150.
471
00:21:19,025 --> 00:21:21,427
Karl: No, because they must look in the
book and sort of go, oh you know, Harry...
472
00:21:21,462 --> 00:21:22,896
Harry went round
there or whatever.
473
00:21:22,930 --> 00:21:26,299
And they must think, well
he went there last time.
474
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:28,001
So he knows the situation.
475
00:21:28,035 --> 00:21:29,803
Stephen: Yeah.
476
00:21:29,837 --> 00:21:33,373
And got the same fella again.
Ricky: Well, and got the same opinion I assume.
477
00:21:33,408 --> 00:21:35,676
Same. Same answer, yeah.
So, so what's his advice?
478
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:39,279
Um, he just said you know, there are
people out there who will touch it...
479
00:21:39,314 --> 00:21:40,495
If you pay the right money.
480
00:21:40,615 --> 00:21:43,751
Well, okay, so you're gonna get an expert
in who does this thing sorted out, so.
481
00:21:43,785 --> 00:21:45,453
Well, no. I, I
called up me dad.
482
00:21:45,487 --> 00:21:48,956
Oh yeah, oh yeah. He always knows
someone who can sort, sort stuff out.
483
00:21:48,990 --> 00:21:50,258
And he said, uh...
484
00:21:50,292 --> 00:21:52,660
Oh, one of your cousins
is a, is a boiler man.
485
00:21:52,694 --> 00:21:54,428
And uh, yeah.
486
00:21:54,463 --> 00:21:56,230
They're coming around.
But I've never met him.
487
00:21:56,264 --> 00:21:58,632
And it turns out
that, that person...
488
00:21:58,666 --> 00:22:02,135
Cause like the whole family, you know, I'm not
into sort of keeping in touch with people.
489
00:22:02,169 --> 00:22:02,753
Sure.
490
00:22:02,790 --> 00:22:05,272
Haven't spoke to me brother for
like, I don't know, 12 years.
491
00:22:05,306 --> 00:22:08,141
And sister about
15 years and that.
492
00:22:08,176 --> 00:22:11,244
So the idea of this cousin
who have, I, I mean...
493
00:22:11,279 --> 00:22:14,281
He might as well not have said he's my
cousin cause I'm not gonna know him anyway.
494
00:22:14,315 --> 00:22:17,084
I mean that last fella Harry,
might as well have been related.
495
00:22:18,319 --> 00:22:20,053
So they're gonna turn up.
496
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:23,157
And now it turns out that because I
haven't seen the rest of the family,
497
00:22:23,191 --> 00:22:25,325
they're gonna like use this is as a reunion.
498
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,861
Stephen: Oh, what so they're all
gonna come around whilst...
499
00:22:27,896 --> 00:22:29,763
They're all coming around.
Whilst he fixes the boiler?
500
00:22:29,798 --> 00:22:31,198
Yeah. And I hate it.
501
00:22:31,232 --> 00:22:32,833
I hate family things anyway.
502
00:22:32,867 --> 00:22:35,002
Ricky: So they're gonna come
around and just look at you?
503
00:22:35,036 --> 00:22:37,637
Well, yeah, apart from
the one who's fixing it.
504
00:22:37,672 --> 00:22:40,307
He'll be fixing it, and the others
will just be sat around sort of going,
505
00:22:40,341 --> 00:22:42,176
"so, how have
you been?"
506
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:46,113
It's like, well, where do you start?
I haven't seen...
507
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:48,649
I mean seriously, I mean
they are strangers.
508
00:22:48,683 --> 00:22:51,285
When they buzz, I could
be letting anyone in.
509
00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:54,055
When they buzz the door.
510
00:22:54,090 --> 00:22:56,725
And so you're going to entertain
them all in your flat?
511
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,261
Well I said to me dad that
I might just say that...
512
00:22:59,296 --> 00:23:02,564
I've got to go to a meeting, let
them in, and then shoot off.
513
00:23:02,599 --> 00:23:05,067
And all it's going to do
is dig up problems isn't it?
514
00:23:05,101 --> 00:23:08,136
If me cousin was Einstein very nice.
Ricky: Yeah.
515
00:23:08,171 --> 00:23:09,771
But at the end of the day...
516
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:12,808
If your cousin was Einstein, then
you really are an underachiever.
517
00:23:12,842 --> 00:23:13,942
No, but
you know what?
518
00:23:13,977 --> 00:23:16,111
If he was, I'd know about it.
519
00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,946
I don't reckon you
would know about it.
520
00:23:17,981 --> 00:23:21,083
I reckon we would. Don't think your
family would be impressed with Einstein.
521
00:23:21,117 --> 00:23:23,252
Stephen: They would've
stayed in touch wouldn't they?
522
00:23:23,286 --> 00:23:25,320
Ricky: He was always the weird one with
the scruffy hair and his tongue out.
523
00:23:25,355 --> 00:23:26,388
Stephen: Yeah.
524
00:23:27,890 --> 00:23:30,859
I remember our early ambition was
to actually be educational...
525
00:23:30,894 --> 00:23:32,928
As well as hopefully
entertaining, and I feel...
526
00:23:32,962 --> 00:23:35,163
Perhaps at times, we've perhaps
slightly shortchanged,
527
00:23:35,198 --> 00:23:37,599
listeners in terms of
what they're learning.
528
00:23:37,634 --> 00:23:40,736
Well, they're not learning
anything because also, um...
529
00:23:40,770 --> 00:23:43,906
Even as, you know, compared
to Karl, we are educated.
530
00:23:43,940 --> 00:23:47,342
But we're guessing a lot of the stuff.
And he flummoxes us you know, sometimes.
531
00:23:47,377 --> 00:23:47,748
Yeah.
532
00:23:47,868 --> 00:23:52,814
I mean, it was fun trying to be pompous
and professorial enough just to...
533
00:23:52,849 --> 00:23:54,916
Just to fight Karl's ignorance.
534
00:23:54,951 --> 00:23:58,521
I think we've learned more new words from
Karl than we've learned anything else.
535
00:23:58,555 --> 00:24:00,022
Yeah. Yeah.
536
00:24:00,057 --> 00:24:02,291
There's been a lot of made-up words
perhaps more than ever before.
537
00:24:02,325 --> 00:24:03,324
Mmm.
538
00:24:03,444 --> 00:24:07,697
And also some of the most abstract
conversations I think we've ever had.
539
00:24:07,731 --> 00:24:11,934
I mean, Karl, as he gets older, becomes
more and more arrogant and confident.
540
00:24:11,968 --> 00:24:13,902
Yeah. He said a new one
to me the other day.
541
00:24:13,936 --> 00:24:19,273
Um, there was a problem downloading,
and, uh, he said, um...
542
00:24:19,308 --> 00:24:21,275
They've added to the fuckerage.
543
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:26,114
Which is good.
Yeah.
544
00:24:26,148 --> 00:24:30,318
No, I reckon the stuff
we know is enough now.
545
00:24:30,352 --> 00:24:33,621
And all we tend to do
is find problems. Mmm.
546
00:24:33,656 --> 00:24:37,325
All the mysteries still in the world,
the mind-body problem. What a prick.
547
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,127
What a prick.
Mmm. Mmm.
548
00:24:39,162 --> 00:24:40,562
How to save the world.
549
00:24:40,596 --> 00:24:43,599
Yeah, but we're not are
we? We know it's dying.
550
00:24:43,633 --> 00:24:45,300
We don't know how to fix it.
551
00:24:45,335 --> 00:24:47,102
Not yet we don't.
Turn your lights off.
552
00:24:47,136 --> 00:24:48,970
Ricky: But then we didn't...
You turn yours off.
553
00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:52,541
Getting sick of it.
554
00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:55,244
Leaflets through the door all the time.
"Turn your heating off."
555
00:24:55,278 --> 00:24:59,448
"Turn the lights off."
Living like a mole.
556
00:25:00,984 --> 00:25:03,853
I love his little internal
dialogues out loud.
557
00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:07,489
They're fantastic, the little
discussions he has with himself.
558
00:25:07,524 --> 00:25:11,293
Oh, I can't wait till he's old.
559
00:25:11,327 --> 00:25:13,595
That's going to be
amazing us three.
560
00:25:13,629 --> 00:25:15,930
When we're about 75.
561
00:25:15,965 --> 00:25:19,534
And he's fucking moaning...
562
00:25:19,569 --> 00:25:23,104
Oh, we're gonna be in
a little home together.
563
00:25:23,138 --> 00:25:26,507
It's just...
564
00:25:26,542 --> 00:25:29,510
Fucking hell.
Oh, Karl.
565
00:25:29,544 --> 00:25:31,979
Do you remember
when you were 73?
566
00:25:32,013 --> 00:25:33,714
No, do I fuck?
567
00:25:33,748 --> 00:25:36,116
Stephen: Tell us the tic
tac anecdote again.
568
00:25:39,387 --> 00:25:43,257
Ricky: Oh, what a fucking
useless bunch of cunts.
569
00:25:47,372 --> 00:25:53,058
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570
00:25:53,108 --> 00:25:57,658
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