Original subtitles

Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for www.addic7ed.com

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing.

Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant... Hello.

And a little round-headed buffoon. That is... Karl Pilkington.

Right.

So, Karl, law and order?

Not at all interested in it to be honest.

What do you mean? I've got no interest in law and order whatsoever.

It's not part of my life.

That's the problem. You keep picking topics that don't buzz me.

Course they do. They don't.

I'm not interested. Well let's talk about this. Let's talk about this.

You're, you're a man quite obsessed with law and order.

Law and order...

Is basically to protect the innocent, isn't it?

When someone wrongs us, we want justice. It's fundamental. And you do.

You were sitting in your old flat in London, phoning me every day...

That you wanted to go downstairs and smack their heads in,

for being late and shouting around and being drunk.

And you could hear it. You wanted some justice.

Yeah, but nothing would have happened if I called someone up and said,

"There's people doing noise pollution."

But you are, you are concerned with law and order.

You wanted your rights... No. But there's no point...

And you ended up moving, so... All right, quiet!

Yeah. But I shouldn't have to move because of some noisy people.

No, you shouldn't. But I'm saying, you were stressed. No one cares, though.

And you wanted justice, but you, you thought you couldn't get justice.

So you moved away, which is... Yeah. So I dealt with it in my way.

Yeah. Right. Right. I hated them.

Cause they didn't care about anyone else.

Exactly. Well, the police wouldn't get involved.

There's other people who live around there who had to put up with that.

No one cared.

So what did it feel like every night when you were trying to watch tele?

And it's hot and you got the window open, or...

No, you could just hear stuff.

And, you know, it's, it's not a thing of... you get a lot of tourists in London.

So they talk.

And it's not even as if you can listen in to what they're saying.

And have a, have a view on their opinion cause they're foreign.

So you can't... Is that... So that's entertaining for you?

Well, yeah. Because if you can hear what people are saying, you go,

"Oh, yeah. That's a good point." Switch your tele off.

That's a good point.

I don't want to hear anyone talking.

But isn't it your own fault for living in central London?

Well, not really. Cause it wasn't always like that.

I've been there years. And then all of a sudden,

you know, good fellows turn up.

They sat down there making a racket.

What can you say to them?

You call down. They can't hear the phone ringing.

But it's louder. I think it is louder abroad than it is here.

Whenever I go away on holiday, I always notice that.

It's always a couple of decibels higher.

Really? Always.

Like the sound of bird noises and that are louder abroad.

Because they are trying to get above the noise of the noisy people.

No. That's not true. They are.

When I was in... where was I? Menorca or something.

It was like lying there...

If it wasn't a noisy local, it was the people in the villa next door.

If it's not them, they suddenly collected the bottles from the bottle bank.

That's a nice noise,

when you, when you're just relaxing... the bottle bank.

Just pop that there where the villa is.

So that was a racket.

There was always some... There was just so much noise.

Animals, creatures.

You can't, you can't escape. It's the one thing you can't escape... noise.

Your ears never turn off. No.

They're always there.

But I've told you before, wear ear plugs if you have to.

I don't like it. But he doesn't like...

He can, he says, he can hear the sound of his own heart.

Well, there always a sound. Like your eyes. You can close them.

My eyes close all the time. And if, if I don't like to look at something...

Blinking. It's called blinking. Yeah. Yeah.

No. But if I don't like the look of something,

they, they close before even I've thought about

if I want to see it or not.

What do you mean? What do you mean exactly? They're ahead.

I just mean if, if I see something on the tele,

or like one of those casualty programs or something... RICKY: Yeah.

It's like my eyes know that I'm not going to like the look of it.

But, no. No. No. No. So they close quickly.

Me ears, they, they seem to be interested in everything.

Even though I'm not.

What, whatever it is, you can't close your ears.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You can't... Exactly, yeah.

You can't, you can never... So that's why I'm...

I like the idea that your eyes are closing when you were,

"Oh, well, I was watching that. What you doing eyes?" Have your eyes, wait.

Have your eyes ever closed something that you were going...

I'm enjoying that. No. They normally get it right.

Your eyes aren't making any decisions.

They normally get it right. You're making the decisions.

You turn away, cause you don't like seeing something.

You don't turn away, and then you're going, "What was that?"

And your eyes going, "You don't want to know."

You do not know, you don't want to know, Karl.

Well, I'm just saying anyway...

Mmm, lovely pair of tits here. Oh, whoa!

I can't believe it!

I just mean noise pollution...

It's the... is the one thing you can't escape.

But the thing about law and order is, um, you don't have to take it.

You can combat being wronged.

It's not just punishment or retribution. It's justice.

You want to know that you're valued.

Uh...

You know is, well, this is a big issue, isn't it, Rick?

Is, is, ya know is one life more important than another?

If you've transgressed in a terrible way...

Um, you've murdered, raped, whatever,

and so I'm going to put you to death...

Well, this is a bit of an interesting argument, isn't it?

Whether capital punishment...

I, I, I don't agree with execution.

Karl, where do you stand on the tricky issue of capital punishment?

You've given it some serious thought I imagine?

Um...

So what? You're asking me like should he be, should he, should he be on death row?

Well, should, should someone flip the switch?

Send him to his death in the electric chair?

Um...

Yeah.

Simple as that. Oh, the least considerate.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I saw a little bit of flicker behind the eyes.

I don't know what... Well, just take us through the mental process,

that you, that you arrived at the yes with, there.

So you, you, you don't live with a cause there was a quite a brief gap there.

I just was thinking...

It's not a nice job if you're working and you've got to flip the switch.

Right.

But I was wondering if, if it's possible...

To just do it so it's linked up to someone's switch?

What do you mean? When they put the lights on something.

So it's like some time tonight when the sun goes down,

and people start putting the lights on in their house, it could happen.

But we don't know what household. They might be away on holiday.

So you might get an extra two weeks.

But at least that way... Because for me... Well...

So, but what my point is that you do agree that someone should be put to death...

For a terrible crime? Do you?

You've got to have something there to stop them people who, who don't care, don't you?

Nature has done it in a way with bees.

They've gone, "We'll give you a weapon, but if you use it, you die."

- And that's like the bee. - Well, yeah.

When they're worried they're going to go, "I'm not going to do it."

Well, that's... Yeah, we do, won't we? We have... We have

people saying, "One, you can't do that." That, that's step one. Here's the law.

Don't do it. Two... Yeah. But there's a lot of people...

Who go, "I'm not bothered by the law. I'm not bothered about annoying people."

Yeah, that's true.

So, for them, at the end of the scale you've got the chair.

And you stick the wires on their head, and we'll fry your head.

And they go, "Oh, God. No. I don't want that."

I, I think a lot of those crimes...

The deterrent isn't relevant, you know? Things like armed robbery maybe,

where it's a risk. What can I get versus what my crime may be.

Maybe then it might be a deterrent. But then of course...

If you start to get into capital punishment for crimes that aren't murdering someone,

then that thing brings in... You might as well murder them, because, then...

But... Then you've got more chance of getting away with it.

So it's very delicate what you make people be killed for...

You've made a, an interesting and reasoned argument there, Rick.

I'm looking forward to, to hearing the riposte.

Right.

When I was younger...

I used to nick Mars bars.

Okay.

All right? Now, I did that then.

And I, and I knew...

That even if I get caught, what's the worst that's going to happen?

Yeah.

It's not going to... I'm not going to go to prison over that.

But it was worth nicking, because a Mars bar... they were like 45 pence.

Sure. Um...

A Mars bar was a proper treat. There's a lot going on in there.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of chocolate. A lot of caramel.

- I, and I saved 45 pence. - Yeah.

So, to me...

So that, that was like an advert that went wrong just at the end.

They started off good. They go, "This bloke is good. He's..."

You cover that Mars bar has a lot in it. And it's... "Oh, good. Keep going."

Yeah, they've got, it's got caramel. It's got...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

But it's 45 pence, which is too fucking much. So I fucking nick it you cunt.

But when I was younger, that was worth a risk.

Because I knew that I'd be getting something worth 45 pence.

Yeah. For free.

You weren't going to get the electric chair.

And I wasn't going to get... done. STEPHEN: Mmm.

So the stakes were high. The risks were low.

What do you mean, the stakes were high. The risks were low?

I think he's just trying to sound cool.

The stakes weren't high. The stakes are what can happen to you.

And the risks... the stakes and the risks are the same.

The risk is the stake. Okay?

Unless you're nicking meat from a butchers.

Then the steaks are high and the risk is low.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

But what you meant was

the gain was high. It was worth the risk.

The gain was high. The gain was high. The... yeah. Yeah.

The risk was low. But... Yeah.

That is not, was... It wasn't, was it?

Cause 45 P isn't a lot unless you're a kid.

It is when you're a kid. Most of the time...

I didn't want to say which shop it was that I nicked it from.

But it's where I did my paper round. Now the thing is...

Ah, so you nicked it from your own boss?

Ah. But listen, I used to wake him up.

Oh, that is terrible. I helped him run... No. Cause I...

That is terrible.

This is awful. Go on. Hang on there. That is, that is really bad.

Cause I, I want to hear him rationalize his, his terrible crime.

Cause that sweet old man that used to give...

He's not an old man. I used to go around and wake him up, right?

Sweet little old man. Yeah. He hated runnin' that place.

All right. Uh, if anything, I'd say I was his best asset.

Not really.

Because I know what... Yeah...

He was nicking from him. He was nicking from him...

Yeah. I, I don't know how much he made on papers.

But he'd probably go "45 P profit, hold on." KARL: Listen...

I, they got their papers really early.

- Cause I, I got up early. - Yeah.

I used to go round to the shop...

When you have a Mars a day, he helps you work, rest, and steal.

So, so I used to go round there. Wake him up.

He'd be like, "What you doing round here so early?"

"Don't know, I am just hungry."

"What?" "I'm just, I'm just hungry for work."

No.

Oh, well good. Good boy. I'm just going to turn away a minute.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Um...

While you stand there in front of the confectionery. Um, I'll turn away now.

And I've looked back now and here's the papers.

And thanks so much, Karl. Cause you... You're a lovely kid.

You're such an honorable and trustworthy guy.

Yeah. I can't really afford to...

- I've been betrayed so many times. - Yeah.

That's why my lovely wife is no longer with me. You know she ran off with Ken.

Yeah. But I mean at least I've got a friend.

He's got one young friend.

You, you turn up early. You're... Oh, God.

It's brilliant. Oh, and Karl, keep a lookout, cause some...

Someone's been nicking Mars bars.

Yeah. And I know, I know it's not you. Cause I trust you implicitly.

And, and by the way, Karl, why don't you take a Mars bar for free?

Oh, thanks.

Now that never happened. All right.

So I'm getting 50 pence a day for delivering papers. RICKY: Mmm.

- But I needed the energy. - Right.

Now if I, if I spent my 50 P on the Mars bar...

Yeah?

- Five P profit a day is not worth it. - No.

So, help yourself.

I knew I was doing a good job for him. No, no, no.

There you go. Help yourself. Not, no...

So, help yourself.

That doesn't, that doesn't follow. So, help yourself. Get another job.

Leave that job. Negotiate a pay rise. Not help me self.

That doesn't... That doesn't go.

That's ridiculous. Where does it stop?

If you worked in a nuclear power plant,

where they're not paying me much.

I'll have a lovely little bit of uranium.

A lovely little bit of uranium?

Yeah. Yeah. That'll do.

That's, that's a strange analogy, Rick.

Straight from a bloke nicking stuff from work.

So he works at a power plant. He's helping himself to a bit of uranium.

What's he doing with the uranium? Wow.

You know, Mars a day and all that. And that's for energy.

And so is uranium.

But more energy than a Mars bar. Yeah.

A lot of the laws of the land, are from the Bible.

I mean, that, that's... That kicked it off.

I mean, there was laws before obviously. And there were...

There were different gods before, before this one, um, was invented.

Um, but let's have a look at the Ten Commandments.

Oh, yeah. I'm just going to go through...

I'm just going to go down these.

See which ones I, um, I commit.

Uh..."Thou shalt have no other god."

I don't have any god, so I haven't broken that one.

Two, "graven images," nope.

I don't have any graven... No, I don't, I don't accept there's a god to...

Uh, three. "Thou shalt not take the name of the..."

Again, I don't take his name in vain, 'cause I don't believe he exists.

So, I'm fine there. "Remember the Sabbath."

I always remember Sunday.

Um, I know, I, I've got a calendar and everything.

So, I'm doing all right.

And, uh, "Honor thy father." Yeah, I do that.

"Never commit adultery." Don't do that.

Uh... I don't... Ever killed anyone?

No. Never killed anyone. I don't steal.

I don't lie. And I don't covet.

So, I am an amazing Christian.

Pretty... yeah. You're a pretty clean-living guy.

Well, there you go.

Well, whereas... I don't know.

Karl, have you ever... What's your view? You...

I still, um, still open like post that isn't for me.

Why do you open other people's mail?

It's just, it's just a fellow called Bruce who...

He's the bloke who used to own the flat before me.

And I don't know.

I started off in the thought "Well, should I pass it on, you know?"

You know, 'cause when people move it's a lot of messing about...

- Tracking down where they've gone. - Mmm.

So I thought should I just leave them for a bit? And I collected some for a bit.

And then there was one that sort of said,

"This is important," on the front of it.

So I thought, "How important is it?" So I opened it.

Was it, was it important?

Uh, not really. It was from a tattooists.

What did they say?

It was just something about a...

They said, "Oh, we used the AIDS needle on you."

Yeah. Can you, can you come in for a little test?

So I just, I just thought if I, I just kind of thought...

"Oh, I'll just open it." Havin' a look. And it was, it was weird...

Because do you know like how you get fed up with being yourself?

No. But go on. I'm intrigued. Well, you can...

Of course.

No. You can just have days where you're like...

- Nothing's going on. - I wish I was Brad Pitt. Yeah.

Well, you know, and, and...

Bruce Willis in your case, yeah?

Well, well, this, this bloke was Bruce. So...

I just go, "Oh, let's see what..." You know? If I, if I was Bruce...

Yeah? Would I be happier being him?

Do you know like... I've said to you before. Yeah.

You never know if you don't feel well,

because they cannot put you in someone else's body to sort of compare.

So I think, well, would I enjoy being Bruce more?

Sure. And why, so and what have you... what have you...

Gleaned from Bruce? Well so, he's got a tattoo. We know that.

Uh... there wasn't that much. It was... It was mainly busy at Christmas.

A lot of Christmas cards which were good, cause I didn't get that many.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah... - So you just you put up his Christmas...

He put up his Christmas cards.

What? You had Christmas cards hanging in your flat...

To, do..."Have a lovely Christmas, Bruce.

"Auntie Jean."

That's crazy! Well, hang on a minute.

Cause when you put them on you... you know,

your mantelpiece or your shelf or whatever... RICKY: Yeah.

You're not, you're not looking in them every day.

It's just a picture of Father Christmas. It don't matter who it's to, or from, or...

Then why have them up at all?

Well why don't just buy some blank? To make it Christmassy.

- You could just buy some blank cards... - Yeah. Yeah.

- ...and put them up. - Use them every year.

There's no point. I don't have to. Bruce has got a lot of friends.

Yeah, but...

It was more awkward, right?

Cause the bloke downstairs... Cause I, cause I always collect the stuff for Bruce.

I got talking to a bloke who's in the same block.

And like, he used to see me picking stuff up for Bruce.

He'd always say, you know, "All right, Bruce." No.

You've never told him that you're not Bruce?

No. No point.

I have a fascinating tale to tell you, Karl.

I think you'll be intrigued.

Um... When I do, um...

Junkets for films in... In America or...

Um, I was assigned a security.

And, uh... I've had security before.

I've had security. They just sort of get you in and out of the car, and...

Usually just to control, sort of autograph hunters and things, and...

But, um, this time I was given a, a security.

And he, he came in as the suit. He was about 30, but quite unassuming.

I thought he was from a, just a security firm.

It turned out that, uh, he was actually L-A-P-D.

Who was doing this for celebrities, cause he earned more money.

And then, I found out he had a gun.

So, I can't come in the airport with you, cause I can't take my gun in there.

So, he's armed.

So, I've got security. He's an L-A-P-D who's... who's armed.

And I'm fascinated. Now, I'm fascinated.

This man is walking around with me, with a little ear piece, talking to everyone.

He seems to know everyone. And he's got a gun.

Then one night, he said... He dropped me off at the hotel.

And he said, I've actually been called up about going on a mission.

They need my help.

I said, "Really? What is it?" He said, "It's a hostage situation."

He said, "And I'm, I'm also SWAT."

And I was thinking, what... "Oh, God. It's, it's just, it's just a silent hero."

Hmm. So, next day comes.

I was, "How was it?" He said, "It was fine."

He said, "I just turned up." He said, "I had to... I had to do it in my suit."

He said, "Cause, I'm the negotiator."

What?

So I went, "Oh, my God."

And I just asked him questions for two hours. Hmm.

What do you think of that, Karl, as a job? It's amazing, isn't it?

Um...

Yeah. I mean, once you've done one though, it's like any job, isn't it? I suppose.

Yeah. Once you've done one.

Yeah. Boring. Yeah. Not impressed?

No. No. No. It's good. And the... Could you do it?

Do you reckon you could do it?

Do you reckon you could negotiate someone out of a hostage situation?

With your dulcet tones? Well, I think in one of them things...

There's nothing you can do. It's like... it doesn't matter if it goes wrong.

Because, if you... if you did your bit, no. Well, it does.

It's like being a vet, isn't it?

Not really. Not really.

- Cause, well, that's ridiculous. - No. It is.

What I mean is, you're, you're expected to...

- ...make the little kitten live. - No. No. No.

No. No. No. There's loads of it. Cause I was saying so, um...

So, he says, "I need a car by 5:00, or I'm going to kill someone."

He then makes sure that he doesn't kill anyone.

But he makes sure that car doesn't come till quarter past five.

But he's not bothered, is he?

He is bothered. He's 15 minutes late?

He is, cause he's, he... He really takes about...

He empathizes with these guys. And he says...

No, you've got to understand.

- No. But the fellow in the house with the gun. - He says... Yeah?

He's not going anywhere. Fifteen minutes to either side doesn't matter.

Why, why is he in a rush?

I don't think Karl is getting how important... I'm not sure he is.

And how amazing this is. No. You said... You said.

Yeah? Yeah. They make the car 15 minutes late.

He's getting his car. That bloke's not in a rush. Yeah.

And he's never going to get in the car, is he?

And he has to get in their head.

But to do that, he says, that he has to empathize with them to a certain extent.

He has to understand why they're doing it. To talk to them, and go,

- Yeah. You've had a bad day. - Hmm.

That would send anyone...

But he has to get their trust.

Karl, try and, try and talk me out. You think it's that easy.

Right? I've got a hostage situation, right?

They go, "There's only one person we can ask for."

"Get me Karl Pilkington."

The police know that you're their top man. And there's a guy in there.

He's got a gun. He's got a hostage, okay? He's just done a crime.

They don't know what to do. Okay?

Right. You turn up.

What's your first question to the...?

I'm talking to you?

Well, no. You got to assess...

So, I'll say, "It's all right."

Uh... I think there's a saying.

Actually, there's a... you say, "Where's brass," right?

Right. I found that out. I heard that.

I overheard that. What's that?

It was something...

You're wasting time. Who's that bald cunt that's just turned up?

I'm going to fucking kill... Listen. Right. Where's brass?

What does it mean?

I heard it at school when they...

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You can't just use...

It means... I heard, I heard someone use it on the, this...

Well, I don't know what the fuck it means. All I know...

It means the top person of, of the police or around at that moment.

Right. Well you... I'm the fucking top brass here.

I've got a fucking gun against this kid's head.

Who the fuck are you, you bald little shithead? Where's my car?

What car? I've asked for a car. Where's my fucking car?

Am I talking to you now, am I?

Yes, you are. I was... Are, are you the, are you the negotiator?

Yeah. Right. Get me a fucking car.

Where do you want to go?

I'm, I'm fucking sore from shouting.

Throw a phone through the window so I can talk to you over the phone.

No. All right. In a minute.

Don't ever fucking say "No" to me.

In a minute, I said.

Okay. Well, the clock's going.

- Where's this fucking phone? - All right. Listen. Listen.

I've got a sore throat. Just hang on a minute.

Why aren't you putting the phone through, you dopey cunt? You want to talk to him.

Because I don't want to give you a phone straight away.

You said you've got to delay him.

No. They... you've got to talk to them.

They shouldn't even demand a phone.

You should make sure you've got a phone, you dopey twat.

Give him a phone.

Right. Thanks. All right. How's it going?

That's better. Right. All right. Uh...

Who are you, by the way? Who, who are you?

Bruce. I can't, I can't give you them details.

Well, you can. Cause I've got to trust you, you dopey sod.

Are you police, or just some fucking cunt walking by?

I'm a policeman.

Right. I don't trust policemen.

No. Well, I'm a bit higher than that.

So, listen.

Oh, don't you tell me. I'm laying down the law here.

No. Listen. I'm going to shoot someone unless I get a fast car.

I've done a robbery.

It's all gone wrong. Yeah. For now. But I want a car to the airport.

I want a plane standing by.

You don't know me. But I do this a lot.

Right? And I can tell you that it never works out right.

Do you know anyone who's done what you're doing, and he's now living a happy life?

Well, I don't care. I don't care about living anyway.

I don't care about living out... I don't care if this goes wrong.

Cause I'm going to shoot the hostage.

What's your problem?

I think you've got the wrong attitude, mate. I think you've got the wrong attitude here.

No. But this is, the... To be honest with you, this was my last week.

What? Why are you telling him that?

Because I want to bring him down to my level.

Right. What's that got to do with it?

Well, you know, I've done this job for a long time.

Right. And sometimes I felt like you.

Right. Hmm. I've been, you know, even though I'm on this side.

You know? Sometimes I feel like, "Oh, I've had enough of this."

Right. Well, I haven't enough. But I, I tell you,

I don't care about living or dying here.

So, if I don't get a car to the airport, all bets are off.

I'm killing everyone and then myself.

So you're... you'll, you'll be a big loser.

Now you've got to get him to stand near a window.

You've got, you've got to take him out.

But, but... Because I've got a gun to someone's head.

You can't burst in. Right? You've got what? Come on.

How do you get him to stand near a window?

Uh, I bet you're hot in there.

Keep going. Keep going. I am.

I am. I am hot. Yeah. That's why I've just drawn the curtains...

And then keep away from the window, cause the sun's blazing in...

It's, it's, it's not too bad away from the window.

It's, uh, the sun has gone around the back now.

Just come and have a look. It's a lovely, lovely evening.

Why would you want me to stand near a window?

I think just because when you see how nice an evening it is...

Worst, worst load of drivel ever...

When you see how... Keep going. I'm interested. It's the worst...

When you see a lovely evening...

No. I mean, it's, it's that thing. What...

I've heard that if you smile, you, you, you feel better.

So have a little smile.

Think of a happy moment in your life.

I'll tell you what a happy moment in my life would be.

Putting a bullet through your little round head, you cunt.

Keep thinking about that image.

Right. And you can see that round head.

Just come to the window. I'll show you the round head.

That would probably work, actually.

Yeah.

What, well, now I'm not going to come near the window.

You come near the window. You come near the... my window.

Up you come. Are you coming near the window?

No. Not yet. What?

Delaying it again.

Right. I'm, I'm coming near the window.

Well, I'm going to shoot you if you come near the window, you dopey prat.

Well, why? I thought we were getting somewhere here.

No. I'm going to shoot you. I've conned you.

I've, I've negotiated you to come near the window.

And I'm going to shoot you in the head, you prat.

Oh, I'd just leave then.

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