Original subtitles

Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for www.addic7ed.com

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant,

and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing. Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant...

Hello.

And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Um, I thought we could play, uh, Room 101.

Room 101 of course is taken from George Orwell's 1984.

Mmm-hmm. Room of all your fears and terrors and so, uh...

Is there a copyright issue here? Can we just steal this idea?

Uh, well yeah, well let's play Room 102.

Clever.

This is the room next door to Room 101, which is worse, in my opinion.

So Karl, these are things that really annoy you.

Uh...

Slugs, is in there.

Slugs.

So, um, then there's... you have to put a case forward,

and me and Steve decide whether slugs go in, or whether they stay out,

whether they've got a purpose.

It's just 'cause I'm having a problem with slugs.

At the moment, there's a lot of slugs coming in the house.

- Why? - Don't know.

I just... they can get where, like, water can, you know what I mean?

'Cause they're boneless, aren't they? So any little gap...

So is water boneless? There's not many bones in water.

No, that's what I said.

Why... why banish them all to Room 102, slugs, because they're harmless, aren't they?

All I know is, they're clogging up me piping.

I had to go out and buy a plunger.

I hadn't seen them since, like, comics when I was a kid.

And I suddenly thought, I need one of them things that I always saw in comics.

I never thought I'd need one of them in me life.

I've got slugs in me pipes.

So I went out, three quid it was. I had no idea what the going rate is for a plunger.

Gave it a bit of plunge. Uh, and I think it was slugs.

Like, all like bits of black stuff came up.

I think it was slugs in there, like broken-up slugs.

Well hang on, hang on, hang on, it could just b black gunk, couldn't it?

No, no, it looked very sluggish.

Because, remember, I've had a problem with them anyway.

I'll go to the toilet or whatever, look 'round,

there's a slug climbing up the wall out of the shower basin thing.

Are you sure it's a slug?

Yeah, definitely. Definitely slugs.

I have to keep chucking them out, because I don't like killing anything.

Right.

I didn't want to kill the slugs with slug pellets, so I bought some copper ribbon.

Right, they don't like going over that, do they?

They don't like that. They get a little shock.

They get a little charge, yeah.

But now that should be a warning. But instead, they're diverting.

They've done a diversion. They've gone up the wall and across.

Now it's like, that's a warning. That's like having a "No trespassing" sign.

Yeah. And they're just going, "Bollocks to that."

And they're getting in,.

And now, you get to a point when you do say,

well, if they carry on like this, I'll have to kill them, because they're not...

How much...

They're not playing by the rules.

I don't know what they're doing, and I don't know what their purpose is.

They just sit there, still. I don't see 'em doing anything.

I was looking at one close up...

Well, what do you want them to do? Be reading Rousseau?

What do you want a slug to do?

In the same way you see a bee collecting pollen... good, it's doing it's little work.

Ants carrying big leaves, or whatever.

But slugs just sat there... They're all doing the same thing.

They're all doing the same thing. That slug is out, it's eating.

But it's not... It's finding food.

There's no food. There's no food in our kitchen for a slug, believe me.

There's not enough there for me, sometimes.

But never mind a slug. There's nothing for it.

Definitely not in the shower. What's it doing?

So, I told you ages ago about how they cause more problems than good.

They eat, they eat cabbage...

Right.

Um, when they shouldn't be.

Um...

They get in letterboxes and nick stamps.

They don't nick stamps.

They eat the stamps.

They like the glue on it.

Right. Right.

Is this a big problem, though?

Is there an epidemic of slugs eating stamps?

But I think it is, and that's why they're so slow.

I think they're sweating glue.

All right, they're eating all them, and that's why they're sticking to stuff.

Have you ever picked up a slug? Well sticky.

They give off this glue. It's like all the glue that they're eating off stamps.

They panic, and when they sweat, they sweat glue.

Sweat! Think of a drug... a slug...

What do you mean, they sweat glue?

You're making up nature.

It makes sense.

That is not...

This is just a nonsense theory.

It's just what I've noticed on them.

Right. Rick, do you allow slugs in Room 102?

Well I just wanna... I think we should, you know,

you know, if they're gonna be gone forever, then we should...

we should put a case forward. They're amazing creatures.

What do they do for the world?

They're food.

It's not good enough, that. Not good enough.

What do you mean?

Well, that's the ultimate sacrifice. Surely them being food...

I'm just having problems with them at the moment.

I spent three quid on a plunger,

and I don't like the idea that every time I get up in the night

to go into the toilet or whatever, I gotta put the light on,

'cause I might have a bit of sluggage between me toes.

Sluggage! A little bit of sluggage between my toes!

Right, okay. We need to move on. So, you're not putting them in?

I'm not putting slugs in.

All right. Slugs have not gone in Karl, I'm afraid.

What's your next one?

Ok, number two.

Um,

people who don't want to do what the brains would be better at doing.

Right, okay. Now, I've gotta get around that sentence.

Now tell me again?

Brains that don't wanna do what their owners are good at.

Ah, so now it's the brain's fault.

Can you just expand on that point please, KP?

Do you know, like... people decide what they want to do.

Right.

Don't they, for a living? Well, sometimes they're not good enough.

Right.

You mean they have a dream, and they can't fulfill it

because they haven't got the skill or...

Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're not good for anything.

No.

It's just that they haven't unlocked the thing that they're good at.

Of course. So I mean, that's...

There's much bigger issues there that, um,

poor, working-class people don't get the same opportunities.

When you're worrying about whether you're gonna live through the next few days,

you don't start thinking, "Oh, I wonder if I can play the cello?"

Can I refer you back though, Rick? You made an interesting point there,

but I fear that's not exactly what Karl was saying.

Go on. I don't think that his point was quite that profound.

Uh, yeah that's kind of what I meant.

Yeah, I don't know.

There was something to do with the brain not allowing its owner...

Yeah, because that's the bit that annoys me.

Fair enough if a brain hasn't decided what it wants to do because you don't...

What is this... Let him, let him finish.

Oh God, this thing about the brain... Let him finish. Shut up.

Because it hasn't, it hasn't found its destiny-type thing.

The brain hasn't found its destiny.

But, when someone is good at something,

and they know the brain is good at something,

but then they don't want to do it,

and they want to go off and do something else.

Now they say in this country the problem is we haven't got enough tradesmen.

Right.

Not enough plumbers.

Right.

There's enough plumbers' brains.

I don't know what the fuck that means! Shut up! Let him speak.

What are you talking about? Shut up. Let him please finish.

Let him finish.

Because this is like the slug beds and pillows again.

Brains have not changed over the years. The brain is exactly the same.

But it's the owner of the brain that's in charge. The brain could be going,

"I want to go for a walk."

But if your body's too lazy to get up and go and see the stuff,

the brain isn't gonna get what it wants.

It doesn't make sense, Karl. You are your brain!

All right. Let's go to the extreme.

People with no legs, who want to be swimmers.

Don't be stupid.

Oh, God! Oh, God.

And he's so annoyed! Is this a big problem?

It's, it's madness, isn't it? It's mad that the brain wants to do that so much.

The brain's in the wrong, in the wrong body almost.

Yet... are you with me?

No! No.

A plumber, a plumber...

A plumber who can plumb is annoying when he jacks it in as a living,

because there's other brains who can't do plumbing.

They don't get their head 'round it.

I don't know what this means. I don't know what you're putting in Room 102,

'cause you're saying it's like this brain's wandering around...

Who's to blame? Looking for a body, and it goes,

"Oh, I'll choose that body."

"Hang on, this body doesn't even want to do some plumbing."

It's a matter of taste. It's just a matter of taste.

Sometimes it's... I'm not putting the brain in. It's just people...

Uh, if I had a really good skill,

I'd hope that, that I'd use it.

So people who don't fulfill their own potential.

Is that a better point?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Who am I talking to now, Karl, or his brain?

We're both listening.

Well, um, I will put in people who don't fulfill their full potential.

Slugs are safe.

What's your next thing to try and get in Room 102?

It's a tricky one, this.

Go on.

It's, it's people who, um...

who think...

that humans are special.

- Do you know what I mean? - But you think that.

No, I don't. I don't think humans are special. I think some of us are.

Look at it like this. You see, I think,

we think we're important because, we just do.

Well I don't, but some do.

And they're the ones I want to get rid of.

Another argument with himself.

Now, we think we're special.

There might be something else going on that's more important.

We're in this universe, aren't we?

Yeah.

Trying to make a new universe.

What do you mean?

There's a machine somewhere, a big bang. We're making a big bang again.

Right. Well that... you've got that completely wrong, but sure.

They're not trying to create a new world,

they're trying to recreate the conditions that happened at the beginning of the big bang.

All right, so they, but the world came...

It's a bit different.

But the world came from the big bang.

Yeah, but they're trying to recreate the conditions so they can test

and they can experiment to see... Dangerous.

The conditions before...

So why are they doing that? Who's allowed that?

This is what annoys me.

It's because humans think they're special.

"Oh, who made the big bang?"

"Oh, I'd like me name on that."

"I wanna claim it."

Why do people always want to better someone else?

It's happened, let them have it.

Okay, right. Okay, Karl. You're in charge of the world now.

You are this... you're all-powerful. You're like a god, okay?

You can do anything. You go... You call all the scientists, and they go,

"What do you want of us, oh, oh orange-headed one?"

"What the fuck do you want of us, right?"

What do you want them to do?

Go. What do you say?

Uh...

well, I want to come in, and...

How long have they been working on the big bang idea?

Forget it, it doesn't... you've got every scientist...

No, but I don't just want to come in and pooh-pooh that,

'cause they're gonna... Poo-poo.

They've done a lot of research on it.

Well, hold on. You wanted it stopped a minute ago!

Yeah I know, but you don't just come in, guns a' blazing.

I'd say, I'd say, "Hello everyone."

You can do anything you want. Go on then.

Hello, everyone.

Hello Karl, leader.

Right. Uh, listen. Uh, this big-bang thing you've been doing...

Yeah, well that's just only a few of us.

That's like less than a millionth of a percent of us. We're all here.

Yeah.

I've dropped AIDS research.

I've dropped cancer research.

Right. Well, why have you dropped that?

Who's told you to do that? I'm working on new...

Well no, we just... well, we knocked off. They said you wanted to tell us something.

We're all here. Every scientist in the world is here.

Listen, what research are you doing?

Oh, well I'm looking at, um, what happens if you give Feminax to an owl.

What happens?

Well I'm halfway through it, you... I got called away.

Look, I'm really busy. What do you want me to work on?

Who said they're doing cancer?

Me.

Go back. Go back to work.

Cheers.

Right.

Okay. The rest of us doing stuff that you think we're fanning around with,

what would you want us to do?

Listen, well, I can't do it all today.

What about me? I was doing AIDS. Hang on a minute.

I was doing AIDS.

You just wait a minute.

Right, okay. Why does cancer get to go back?

Are you saying that cancer's a bigger problem than AIDS?

You go back to work.

So, AIDS can go back.

I'm doing... Oh, I'm doing restless leg syndrome.

Right. Can everybody but the big bang people leave?

Tell you another problem that I worked out.

It might, might make a slight difference on fat people.

Don't put a light in the fridge,

because that's just, that's just... at night, when they get peckish,

they can see everything that's in there.

Don't put the light there. You don't need a light in a fridge.

There's no lights in other cupboards.

Yet where there's food, it's like fatties getting up at four in the morning.

What can I have? What's that at the back?

Get rid of the light, they'd eat less.

There might be some logic in that.

That's interesting.

What's it there for? Tell me what that light is there for.

They say turn off your standby light, yet you've got a light in your fridge,

showing where tomatoes is, or chocolate. Well, no, it is turned off.

It's turned off when you shut the... the light's not on when the door's not open.

Yes, but a fat person has always got the fridge door open.

So, what you're saying, in a way, is that the free market,

capitalism being what it is,

which has allowed companies, food manufacturers, to make them more,

full of more salt, more fat, in order to attract you in order to make more profits,

is actually resulting in obesity.

I was in a cafe, right, um...

I normally like to go in there, and I might have beans on toast, uh...

Cheese on top? Cup of tea.

I might have a bit of cheese. Yeah, cheddar on top.

Uh, only if they offer. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have it,

so I'll only have it if they say, "Do you want cheese?" Oh, okay.

And then it's down to their problem. Do you know what I mean?

It's kind of like, they made me have that.

So, anyway I'm sat in there,

this little fella... I'd say he was from, like Africa or something,

uh, came in, and he had a little top hat on, suitcase, and red jeans.

Dead happy he was.

I think he just turned up to London. It's his first day out,

and he's probably thinking, "I can't believe me luck, look at the choice here."

Anyway,

the difference was...

All conjecture. Yeah.

All hypothesis. Yeah. Okay, go on.

The difference was, he went in and he said,

"Have you got any porridge?"

He asked for two bowls for the price of one.

There was a little bit of a...

A kerfuffle?

Yeah, a little bit, because he couldn't understand why.

"You've got loads of porridge. Give me two portions."

But what... what I found interesting is,

he didn't wanna go for the donut, or the pastry,

because in his country they don't... they don't have it. RICKY: Hmm.

So food, where he's from, is for what food is for, isn't it?

Giving you energy.

Here, it's not about that, is it? No.

You go, "Oh, I'd... I'd love a little muffin."

So I just found... I just found it interesting. That's all me point is,

that he could have anything.

He's come over here, he's in London.

He's got loads of stuff on offer. Yet he still wants his porridge.

Do you think, uh, that... well, firstly, do you think perhaps he had traveled from the past,

in some kind of time machine?

But, secondly, do you think that now that he'll have a...

he'll have his first taste of a donut, wouldn't he, or a pain au chocolat...

Do you think he'll get a taste of it the next time you see him?

Well, maybe, that's... that's how it works, isn't it? I mean, why do I like...

And when next time, when they go, "Hello, usual?"

"No, shove the porridge. I want a donut."

That's, that's what happens, isn't it?

It's all about a mixture. You need a mixture in your body.

You need to have...

like I've told, said to you before, I get an urge for things

that I don't even know about.

Do you know what I mean?

What, like what? What are you talking about?

Anything. The one that always surprises me are plums,

Because I shouldn't get an urge for plums. I don't like 'em enough.

But if I pass them in the supermarket, I go, "I might want 'em for a bit."

"Yeah, I think you need that."

And I go mad, I'll eat a full packet in a day.

I'll eat, like, six and get a bellyache, and I know I shouldn't overdo it with them,

but it's just like, your body...

He's like a creature, isn't he?

Me body just calls out for stuff.

It doesn't, Karl.

No, it feels that way, because I wouldn't normally buy 'em.

Me favorite fruit... I like an apple, love a banana.

I've got into, uh, blackberries.

Quite expensive, but a bit of a treat.

I think there's plenty of fruit out there, bananas, apples, oranges.

We've got plenty of fruit. They can't get rid of fruit quick enough.

There's loads of stuff with fruit in it now, shower gel with kiwi in it.

I'm telling you. They can't get rid of it, because it's too much.

So they say, "What can we do with all this stuff? Let's stick it in there."

Orange juice, I had a orange juice sort of cordial,

Yeah.

Tastes a bit weird, this isn't orange...

Sneaked a bit of pineapple in, orange and pineapple.

They can't get rid of the stuff.

I'm, I'm a big fan of the Satsuma. Easy to peel.

What I don't like is the big oranges you have to peel them, and you get it on your...

They're the ones that I eat when I'm in the bath.

So, you just dunk under the water afterwards and you're clean again?

If I'm going to have a bath then, you know. That's what you do.

So it's two treats. It's an orange and a bath.

I mean, that's amazing. That's an amazing thing to look forward to.

Don't think you've blown that for when you're old,

when you're 74?

And they'll go, "I'll tell you what, Karl. Lovely treats, a bath and an orange."

"Done it. I did it when I was 36."

So, uh, have you heard of Desert Island Discs?

Yeah.

Good, let's do that. Right.

Forget the eight records, we can't play 'em anyway.

We can't play 'em anyway.

I know, but for people in other countries,

they may not be familiar with Desert Island Discs.

Oh, it's, it's a program. It's a real national institution here.

They get, uh, you know, prime ministers and leaders of men,

and really eminent people to go on,

and you talk about your life, and you choose your eight favorite tunes.

You take uh, a luxury item, and you're allowed to take any book.

I did it, and I, I took a book, I think a tabletop book of art.

Why would you take that?

You can't take anything that's useful.

It's just, you know, it's...

you know it's any luxury item you can't... I took a vat of Novocaine.

I thought if I get a toothache, I'm sipping on that till I die.

If I'm stuck here with nothing to do, I've got eight records, I'm going to be sick of them.

That's the thing.

I'm looking at art. At least I'm looking at something, you know...

What book would you take, Karl?

Well I wouldn't take an art book, anyway. I know that.

Right, okay, so come on, one book...

Because you're gonna get sick of it. You're going to get sick of...

Right, one book. You can't get sick of art either, okay.

You can. You can.

You can have a brilliant picture on your wall, but eventually,

remember what I've said to you. Your eyes get bored of anything.

I don't remember him saying that.

I think I blanked out. I think he came in one ear, straight out the other.

Well that's why relationships break up,

because the eyes get sick of looking at that other person.

And you go, "Me eyes want a change."

That's what it's all about.

"Me eyes want a change. Okay, sorry love..."

Fuckin' hell, choose a book to take.

I'd probably take a dictionary or something like that.

- Oh, that's ridiculous! - Why?

Why would you take a dictionary?

Just because I'm not that good with words.

But what would you want words for? You're not talking to anyone any more.

You don't have to worry about your vocabulary. You have to worry about...

Oh...

But there'll be a lot of talking to yourself probably.

It'd be nice to sort of...

Oh, so you're gonna bring yourself up on your grammar, are you?

You're talking to yourself and you go,

"Oh Karl, you're an idiot. You don't say it like that."

Well if you got to talk yourself, it would be nice to have...

Why are you talking to yourself, you maniac?

'Cause there's no one else about.

Yeah, but you don't open your mouth and actually verbally talk in order to talk...

Also, what does it matter if you've got a dictionary or not?

Who's arguing with who?

Because, sometimes I feel frustrated when I don't... I can't get me point across.

- But it's just you! - You already know your point!

Exactly, that's even more annoying. Look how you're getting annoyed now.

You're annoyed with me 'cause I can't explain what I mean.

Yeah. I don't want to be annoying meself.

Why would you be annoying yourself?

But you already understand your point! You don't need to vocalize it.

Well, sometimes I think through what I'm saying.

Yeah?

And I think, "Does that make sense?" And sometimes I'll go, "No it doesn't."

And I'll go, "Why is that?" And then, you work it out in your head.

Now if I've got a better vocab, I'll have a good little chat.

What?

What? Have a good little chat?

With yourself?

If you're not keeping yourself interested in anything,

your brain's going to get turned to mush.

Now, I'm, I'm...

I know how you feel.

I'm teaching me brain stuff, keeping it active.

Mmm.

The only thing you've got on that island is your imagination and your thoughts.

Now, if you can make those imaginations and thoughts better,

which you do with language,

you're going to have a better time, aren't ya?

Well now, if you've had the thought, you've had the thought.

You don't go, "Hold on, I'd have a thought here, but I can't think of the word."

You don't think in language in that same way, do you really? You think more conceptually.

When someone came up...

"Oh, guess what? I just found a cure for... oh, I can't think of the word."

Forget it. I will...

I've just worked out the cure for... I can't think of the word.

Let's look it up. What is it?

Cancer!

No, but just to think... language is a powerful thing, isn't it?

Yeah.

Uh...

Now he's run out of words.

You see, this is what I'm saying.

It's sometimes difficult for me to get me point across with what I mean.

Yeah, but that's fair enough, if you're communicating, say, in this environment, and it's,

dare I say it, perhaps a shame that you didn't read a dictionary

before we started doing the broadcasting.

But anyway, you've waited till you're on a desert island,

with no other fucker around...

Well, no, no, we're... I think by then,

by the time you get shipwrecked,

there will probably be a few more entries to the dictionary.

Um, grippage,

foodage,

rummanging,

replemishing.

But, so what? All words are made up.

Orange. One day someone went, what?

He's got a head like... He's got a head like something...

He's got a head like a fucking what?

I don't even know what...

He's got a head like a fucking what?

And the other thing is, say if I am captured...

- By who? - Who?

What?

By who?

By a boat that's passing.

Captured? Do you mean saved?

- All right, saved then, yeah. - Okay.

If I'm saved... there you go again, you see. I went for "captured" instead of "saved."

You're captured by some pirates...

But you're not talking to anyone, Karl, in your head. It didn't matter.

You knew what you meant.

When you sat there on that desert island and you thought,

"What if I'm captured by a boat,"

they didn't come over and go, "All right Karl, we've come to save you."

You wouldn't go, "Well no, I don't want saving, I want capturing."

They go, "Right, sorry. Wait for the next boat."

It didn't matter. You knew what you meant. You'd go, "Help!"

And you'd get on the boat.

Do you, do you think in words that you don't use?

You've only got yourself for company.

Yes, but you don't... If you bore yourself, what's the point?

What is the point, seriously?

But how are you gonna...

What, so you think you're gonna read that dictionary

and you're going to be better company,

'cause you're going to be impressing yourself with longer words?

You're going to go...

If a boat passes, and they go,

"There's a fellow over there on that island, let's go and get him."

Now, the way I am at the moment, they'd go, "You all right?"

And I'd go, "You what?"

And they'd go, "Don't stop."

Where... That's it! Imagine that!

Whereas, if I sort of say something with a big word that I cannot think of right now,

they'll go "Oh, who's that? He sounds like he knows..."

Yoo-hoo! Antidisestablishmentarianism!

Get him on this boat now!

Wasn't enough, our wit.

But then I'm on the news and they go,

"Oh, Karl, what was it like on the island?"

And I can start saying stuff.

It was scramfarious!

No, but then, I think it makes it more interesting.

Whereas at, at this moment in time,

I'd struggle telling what it's like.

I like the idea of you trying to educate yourself, I love the idea.

But do it now.

But there's so many other books. If I'm stuck with one...

Okay, the dictionary, you've got a dictionary. Fine.

What's your luxury item? What's your luxury item, quick?

Let's geoff this island. Come on.

What did you take for your luxury?

A vat of Novocaine. Oh, yeah.

Some Revels, a big sort of bag.

- A big bag of Revels. - A big bag of Revels.

Just for the variety.

But, there's no variety particularly, in revels.

They're all chocolate, aren't they?

No, all different. You got orange ones, you've got coffee, caramel, malteasers.

I mean, taking Novocaine isn't great, is it?

If you don't get a toothache, you'll be going, "Why didn't I bring Revels?"

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