All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e05 Insects.eng

Sync by honeybunny

Announcer: For the past few
years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen merchant,
and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

( Dings )

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

( Theme music playing )

We've been away filming
in a sweltering London.

Got a heat wave here

in the capital city,
haven't we, Karl?

- It's been hot, right.
- It's been up to 100?,

record-breaking
temperatures.

- Yeah.
- What you been doing though?

Getting to see the place,
having loads of walks.

And I like to have walks, you
know, watching what people do.

- Like a dog.
- ( Laughs ) Yeah.

When he jumps off the couch

and starts scratching
against the door,

Suzanne thinks, "It's time
for a little walk."

It's just good thinking time though,
isn't it, as well... having a walk?

You've got no other clutter
going on around you.

You can just think
about a lot of stuff.

And, you know, like say with the
weather being hot and stuff,

a lot of insects
knocking about.

- Right.
- So I've just been watching them.

So... so while we've been filming,
you've been watching insects.

Karl: Yeah, just seeing...
'cause everybody knows

insects are out there, but no
one's keeping an eye on them.

Ricky: What are they up to?
What are you worried about?

Loads. Steve, you wouldn't be laughing
like that if you'd watch them,

'cause they do some weird stuff
and that is what I mean.

What sort of stuff?
Any examples?

Uh...

I saw a bee
have a heart attack.

( Both laughing )

- You saw a bee have a heart attack?
- Yeah.

How were you sure
it was a heart attack?

'Cause what happened,
I've been in...

Did it clutch its chest
with all six legs?

Were there some other
little bee paramedics?

No no, I'd just been
out in the park anyway,

just looking at, you know,
caterpillars knocking about,

butterflies and stuff.
So I was sort of aware...

So when Suzanne
goes to work, she goes,

"Karl, don't you waste the day.

I want you to do some
constructive stuff."

But the thing is...
So I'd been in the park

and I was aware of the
insects that are around us

more than like
most of the time.

And I come out of the
park, just crossing

like sort of a busy road
and what have you.

And I saw this bee to the right
of me sort of in the air.

And it was a big one.
And I was a bit like,

"Oh, let's watch that."

And, um, it just fell.

It fell from the air
in front of me.

And it was on the pavement. And I
thought, "Oh, what's going on here?"

And I looked at it for a bit.
And it was really still.

Gave it a little kick just to
see if there was any movement.

Nothing.
Stone sort of...

What's the saying?
Stone cold dead.

( Ricky laughs )
Yeah.

Stone cold bee dead.

- Karl: So uh, that was...
- Yeah.

I love the fact that this bee

suddenly saw Karl
and had a heart attack.

It had never seen anything
that round before.

It just thought...
It approached him

because he thought
it was a sunflower.

Stephen: My God, it's a
giant walking orange.

Every dream has
come true... Argh!

( Ricky laughing )

No, but it just summed up life for me.
I thought that

that's like us, isn't it,
at the end of the day?

They have heart attacks.
Stress.

You put it down
to stress, do you?

Well, it was in London,
isn't it?

You know, everything has
stresses from living here.

Ricky: And they are bald, aren't they?
They've got fur all over,

- but they lose their...
- And always overweight.

( Laughing )

It was
a fat bald bee. Oh.

So what did you...
It fell to the floor

and you instantly,
you just kicked it?

You didn't attempt
to revive it?

No, I waited a second
and just looked at it

to see if there was any, you
know, leg movement or wing.

And there was nothing. And then
when I sort of kicked it,

it was sort of hard. It had hardened
already. It was just...

- Rigor mortis had set in.
- Rigor mortis had set in.

Did it put you in a
bad mood for the day?

'Cause I know things like that can just
send you over the edge for the day.

Uh, death and that does a bit.

Suzanne doesn't like me
talking about death.

What riveting conversations
do you come up with?

No, just things like...

One of our mates has
had a baby recently

and I just was saying, "Oh,
when that's sort of our age,

- we'll nearly be dead.
- Stephen: Think of that.

That's the first thing he says as a
new life is brought into the world.

- I know.
- "But when he's our age, we'll be dead."

Yeah. Maybe they'll let you do
the speech at the christening.

Well yeah, I've been
watching loads of stuff.

I've been watching ants.
You mentioned ants.

Uh, I've had a lot
of moths in the house.

They're sort of...

I mean, you say it like
there was a garden party.

Yeah well,
but all I'm saying is

I look at more about
what its life is like.

'Cause if you watch something
long enough, is what I'm saying,

you can see that it's...
it's a bit clueless.

It's the same way about ants.

You know, they're
hard workers and all that.

I watched one... it's going back
and forth all the time.

They go one way and then they
stop and go the other way.

They try to look busy in front of the mates.
But if you watch one...

- ( Ricky laughing )
- If you watch one long enough,

it's back and forwards and it's
like it's done nothing there.

Ricky:
I'm gonna carry this twig

back and forth
until I can knock off at 4:00.

- Karl: There's a lot of that going on.
- Is there?

'Course there's not.
There's none of that going on.

There is.
No, like I say, the moth...

a depressing little
sort of thing.

- ( Laughs )
- Why is it depressing?

It hasn't got eyes, has it?

You just look at it and it
doesn't know what's going on.

I think if you haven't got
eyes you shouldn't have wings.

( Ricky cackling )

That's a rule? If we could put
that into practice, please?

That's a great rule.

- That's a fantastic rule, isn't it?
- Yeah.

It hasn't got eyes...
It shouldn't have wings.

Oh.

I just was reading something
about an octopus that's...

There's like a killer octopus.

And it annoyed me that this
was knocking about now.

Because I didn't know.
I thought they were quite friendly.

Whenever you see them
in cartoons and that,

they're always happy, aren't they?
And then suddenly

it sort of brought the whole
sort of creature down.

- Do you know what I mean?
- No. What do you mean?

Well, just...
just, you know,

when you see them in films,
they're running about and that

and everybody likes an octopus.

But this one that's on the...
It was your fault really,

'cause you told me about that frog
that's going about killing people.

- Ricky: No, I didn't say that.
- So I looked it up on the Internet

at, like, other
creatures and stuff.

- Dot.Com.
- And there's

some octopus that's in the sea,

uh, and what it does...

You don't even have
to like threaten it.

It just spits in the water.

And if that stuff gets on you,

it does you in.

Again, I'm... hmm.

So in a way it's good
knowledge because...

I mean, I don't go
in the sea anyway

'cause it's full
of stuff like that.

But that's just reassured me
that I'm doing the right thing.

If they're knocking about
just gozzing everywhere,

uh, you don't en
have to be near one.

You don't even know if it's
been spitting and stuff.

It can kill you.
It just seems unfair.

I haven't harmed it.
I haven't gone near it.

Why is it getting
annoyed with me?

It doesn't seem right.
So that's where knowledge

has... has not helped
the octopus out,

because now when you eat them,

I just think,
"Yeah, have another one."

Do you know what I mean?
"Get rid of 'em."

( Laughing )

Another conversation
with himself.

Another conversation with
himself.

Okay, Karl, I'm just gonna
throw an animal at ya.

Tell me how weird it is, what bits
annoy you, how you'd change it.

Okay?
A crab.

- How would I change it?
- Yeah.

Does it annoy you?
Do you think it's weird?

Um, they are weird.

But they're at that size where
they can get away with it.

( Ricky laughing ) Yeah, it suits 'em.
Okay, good.

Um, would I change anything?

Um, in a way, you know,

what you're saying about
things not working...

He can't walk forwards.

So why hasn't something happened?
Why haven't they said,

"Do you know what?
These arms are too clumsy.

We need to have 'em
so they can slot away easier

and we can pull 'em out
when we need 'em

"instead of clumping
around with them."

'Cause they do struggle.

You see them struggling
with their arms.

Yet they're still here.
They still doing that...

they're still
designed that way.

What's the weirdest animal?
So you think the octopus

- is the weirdest animal on earth?
- Yeah.

Why is it any weirder
than a dog?

Because it couldn't be
further away from us.

A dog has got human eyes.

( Ricky laughing )

If a jelly... Honestly, if a jellyfish
had a pair of eyes like ours,

I probably wouldn't worry
about him that much.

But like I said to you, it's that
way that they haven't got eyes.

They're floating about.
I can handle some fish.

They look... they look like us.
They've got eyes.

You can make eye-to-eye
contact with them.

- Ricky: When are you making...?
- A jellyfish... what are you looking at?

It's a snidey thing,
like I've said to you.

You can see... se.

Do you know what I mean? They say,
"Don't trust him." "Why?" "It's his eyes."

Jellyfish haven't even got
any and I don't trust them.

In terms of, um,
design and everything,

uh, if you lined
everything up...

Say if I'd come
from another planet,

and everything was
lined up in a row,

and they said, "Right, we're
gonna give you a crash course

in what's knocking about
on this planet."

- Yeah.
- And you go, "Right, go on then."

And they go, "This is man.
Here's woman.

Here's a dog.
Here's a cat.

Here's an octopus.
Here's a... "

I'd go, "Hang on a minute.
What is this?"

( Ricky and Stephen laughing )

Say if...
if everything

was at the same size as us,

what would be
the best thing to be?

Say like a tarantula...

Yeah.

And a tiger...
What would happen there?

A 15-stone tiger
versus a 15-stone tarantula?

- Yeah.
- Well, I would imagine the 15-stone tarantula.

Right, so it's just
weird, isn't it?

It's a good job
that they're small,

yet things are getting bigger 'cause
we're messing with the world.

That's a ridiculous thing to say, isn't it?
'Cause what would it eat...

15-stone?

The biggest you'll find is
like a foot-long beetle.

- It's big, though, isn't it?
- Yeah, and that's about as big as they get.

- I wouldn't worry about it.
- Hmm.

( Chuckles ) Again, based
on nothing, he queries you.

But it's like fish, isn't it...
How they say about goldfish?

- Yeah.
- That thing about a woman

who went on holiday
and stuck it in a bath.

She came back...
It was 7'.

- Right. That didn't happen.
- No, that's a well-known thing about goldfish.

No, it's not a well-known thing.
I'll tell you why.

Because a fish will only grow
to its surroundings anyway.

- So...
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

- You'd have to put it in a bigger tank.
- Yeah, in a bath.

No, a 7' fish in a bath?

It just fit the bath
exactly, did it?

When she got back
off holiday...

- Don't talk shit.
- It's a well-known...

What was it eating?
What was it eating?

How long was she gone for?
Two million years?

( Laughing )
Yeah yeah.

She... she went to Mars
and back.

Ted, you're not gonna believe this.
Come up here.

Well, how many fish do you see
that have naturally died?

It's always been caught by
a man or a shark's ate it.

( Both laugh )

You don't just see dead
fish washed up, do you?

Well, most things
don't die of old age.

Yeah, that's weird
though, isn't it?

Well, no, 'cause it's a...

You know, it's a jungle
out there.

No, worse in the sea.

The sea is like full of...

You've got an enemy
round every rock.

( Ricky laughing )
I love it.

I love it. It's like a
warning to crabs...

Exactly.

And young squid.

He's like the policeman that
comes into your school.

Yeah yeah.

Karl, have you ever seen the program,
"Inside the Actors Studio"?

Uh, no.

James Lipton interviews
famous actors

and gets words of advice about,

you know, how they work
and how they act.

But at the end he always
asks a series of questions,

which is based on a French
series of questions

that a guy called Bernard pivot

used to give people
when he interviewed them.

So I'm gonna ask you
some of these questions.

I'm just interested to see
what your response is.

And answer them quickly.
You don't have to think about them too much.

What is your favorite
curse word?

Uh,

I don't think I've got one.

Uh, knobhead.

That sums everything up.
And I think it's...

Ricky: But you wouldn't call your
nan a knobhead, would you?

What would you call your nan?

Well, knobhead's
all right, isn't it?

'Cause she sort of gets it.

It's one of them things
that everybody understands,

- but it's not too offensive.
- Right.

- What a knobhead.
- ( Laughs )

What would you do, though,
if you were swimming, right?

It was a nice little...
You're on holiday, right?

And there's this octopus there.
And you're going around, right?

And you just see it start spitting at you...
poison. What would you say to it?

Yeah, well, it's too
late then, isn't it?

- I'd kick it.
- ( Laughing )

And I'd say,
"you knobhead!"

I would...
but what's the point?

What's the point in getting
annoyed now, 'cause it's done...

It's done its stuff, hasn't it?

I love how you'd kick it

and call it a knobhead
under the water.

What is this octopus thinking?

Oh God.
Oh.

I'd go, "You fucking
eight-legged shit!

- You... !"
- "I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered.

I don't know
what you're saying."

"You... you fucking...
fucking cunt of a mollusk."

It'd just spit at you again.
It's not bothered.

You slimy little fucking
boneless wanker!

This is why the face is good.

Are you still talking
to the octopus?

( Laughing )

Oh, I don't believe it!
He's only gone and written it down!

( Jingle plays )

That jingle of course signifies

another reading from
Karl Pilkington's diary.

"We went to the park
and had a brew.

Suzanne read the paper while
I played with a ladybird."

( Laughing )

I mean, it's like
a child, isn't it?

It is like what
a child would write.

"Suzanne read the paper while
I played with a ladybird."

Oh.

Oh, his only friend
is a beetle.

"It climbed up my arm.
It struggled on me hairs."

- This is in detail then.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

"It kept stopping
every now and then"

and was rubbing its head
with its right arm.

It did it about four times and
always used its right arm.

It rested for about five
minutes, then flew off.

Sunday, had a bit of
a to-do with Suzanne

'cause she wanted
a lie-in today.

I hate this.

Once you're awake
you should get up.

I got up and put the
radio on really loud.

She eventually got up.
I told her

insects don't have lie-ins,
so we shouldn't."

Why are you obsessed
with insects?

I mean, you must be fucking
unbearable to live with.

You must be a nightmare.

No, I've just started... because
I've watched insects a lot.

I don't want to keep going on about
them 'cause we're a bit insect-heavy.

But at the end
of the day, if we...

if we copied insects,
we wouldn't go far wrong.

I don't know
what you mean though.

One minute you're saying
they're great.

Then the next minute
you'll slag them off.

Yeah, I'll slag some of them off if
I don't know what they're doing.

But because I've studied them a bit
longer, I just think they have it right.

- You haven't studied them though.
- He thinks he's like Darwin.

But you just slagged
them off when you go,

"Don't you think that insects
are doing stuff? They're not.

It goes there,
then it goes back again."

Yeah, ants. The ant was.
The ant was messing about.

But only that one. The
others were carrying stuff.

That's what I'm saying.
There's snidey ones in everything.

In everything in the world
, you get a hierarchy.

- Oh, long words.
- Ooh.

"Some new sea thing
has been found."

( Both laugh )

That's the headlines
on the news?

"It wasn't found
by sea experts."

It was found on eBay.

Someone was selling it
for a fiver.

"I don't see the point in buying something
that you don't know what it is."

What do you mean?
It was... it was...?

Someone's found
some sort of shell

- with a thing living in it.
- Right.

They thought, "Oh, I've never
seen one of these before.

I can flog it
on eBay."

Someone bought it and then
wanted to look after it,

went to some sea expert,
and they said,

"Oh, I don't know
what that is."

That's...
that's the story.

It's just weird how stuff's
being found on eBay.

No, it wasn't found
on eBay though, was it?

Yeah, but that's where
the specialist people

sort of picked up on it.
It's just weird that...

I mean, all I was saying
is I wouldn't want one.

If you don't know how to...
If it's a new creature,

you don't know what...
what makes it happy.

When you get a kitten,
you go stroke its head.

Loves it, right?

And you can do that, knowing
that it's liking it.

If I had a little
seashell and you go,

"Does it sit in water?"
"I don't know."

Do you know what I mean?
You could end up doing more damage.

So that's why
I wouldn't want it.

It's nice to have
rules, isn't it?

It's nice to know what you're
doing with something.

Well, as you write
in the diary,

"It's like if an alien landed
and wanted to live with you."

As much fun as it might sound,

it wouldn't be long before
you got annoyed with it

'cause it wouldn't eat
the food you gave it."

That's what I'm saying.
I couldn't have a go at it

because it might not
like pasta.

Ricky:
It might not?

Everyone likes pasta.

Wow. "Woke up to some
interesting news.

It's good when this happens 'cause
it set me up for the day ahead.

If it's miserable news,
it affects my day.

"It said on the news that they
have found two new flies."

Fucking hell, more insects.

What have you done?
Is that all you've done this summer?

Bong! "Trouble
in the Middle East."

Bong!
"Two new flies found."

"Ladybird
climbs up arm!"

"They were found
in the U.K.,

and they were found
close to each other.

Maybe this happened because they
were different than the other flies

and weren't expected
to hang about together.

So that's why they knocked
about with each other."

That would happen, wouldn't it?

What do you mean?

- There's two new flies.
- Do you mean...

Does it mean there are two new flies
that are a different species?

Species, yeah, two new species.

And they found them close
to each other, right?

Yeah, but they didn't mean
there was one of each.

No, yeah.
Yeah, they did.

They found two different ones.

- No.
- No, they have, seriously.

I know that that's right.
That's a fact. So you've got like...

I don't know the names of them.
They give them odd names, don't they?

Say, call it "a," and fly b.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Fly a, I don't know, was...

say, that's orange.

- This is just...
- Fly b, yeah.

- This is painful.
- No, but I'm just making it easy for you.

- Fly b wears a little hat. He's got a little hat.
- Yeah, fine.

Now they found the orange one,

and went, "Look at this over here.
This is a bit weird."

And they've gone, "Oh, that's a new species.
Log it," whatever.

And then the other one went,
"Whoa, keep your pen handy.

Look at this one.
It's got a hat on."

So then they found them both
within the same distance.

- I don't know wt that statement means.
- Keep going, keep going.

- They found them both...
- No, let him finish.

They found them both
within the same distance.

Without interrupting him,
let him finish this point.

No, 'cause let me just
make one thing clear...

Karl Pilkington just said,
"They found them both

within the same distance."
Think of that.

Don't know what it means, but go on.
Let him finish this point.

So... so what I mean is,

they weren't knocking about
with other normal houseflies

because they were
probably sort of going,

"Oh, he's a bit weird.
Leave it."

( Ricky snickering )

Yet because the other one
was also odd,

they're hanging about
with each other.

Don't you understand that?
Why is that such an odd concept?

'Cause you think...

you think that it's like

- two little new kids in school.
- Yeah.

They find out they're both
new and they've got some...

They're both goths.

So they start
hanging out together.

And this was on
the news, was it?

Yeah, just on the radio, yeah.

I know if I looked
into that story,

it would be 90% wrong.

"A bit tired today
'cause didn't get to sleep

as early as I'd wanted due to a
moth getting in the bedroom."

Fuck me.

"I got it in a glass
and looked at it for a bit,

and then let it go 'cause Suzanne
wanted to go to sleep."

Looked up
some interesting news.

Some people dug up
an old body in Ireland.

Turns out, it's well old

and was here when
dinosaurs were here.

The really weird bit is
it had hair gel in its hair."

- Right, what is it?
- A fella.

Well no, it wasn't around when
dinosaurs were here then.

- Just a bit after.
- Right, fine.

A lot after.
Yeah, go on.

It's not the age bit
that's amazing.

It's the fact of
there's a fella

won't have even had
shoes on his feet.

Ricky:
Right.

And yet he was worried
about his hairstyle.

Right, well, that's
definitely not true either.

"There was a man on the radio doing
poetry," says Karl in his diary.

"I thought I'd have a go
at doing a poem about today."

( Clears throat )

Not really.

Steve, I'm a little bit queasy.

He hasn't really
written a poem?

- He's written a small poem.
- No, he hasn't really.

Yes.
"If moths had eyes..."

Fuck me.

Let me read the poem.

- Okay?
- Oh fuck.

You wouldn't interrupt
t.S. Eliot.

Okay okay okay okay.

Oh, go.

"If moths had eyes,
would they be happier?

How do they know
they're not dead?"

( Laughs )

"Cavemen hunting for food,

but not before they style
the hair on their head."

( Snickering )

"What would last longer
in dinosaur times?"

A blind man
didn't stand a chance,

not with all them rocks about.

"I'd rather be
a blind moth."

Right.

It may be the greatest
poem ever written.

Is there a creative
decision for that?

- Can we have Karl read that? Sorry.
- By all means, yeah.

Just you read it
as you would like to.

So this is...
imagine this, right?

Okay, this is going out
all over the world.

And now, um, Karl Pilkington,

a new poet from Manchester,

now living in, uh,
London, England,

would like to read a poem.

"If moths had eyes,
would they be happier?"

How do they know
they're not dead?

Cavemen hunting for food,

but not before they style
the hair on their head.

What would last longer
in dinosaur times?

A blind man
didn't stand a chance,

not with all them rocks about.

"I'd rather be
a blind moth."

( Ricky laughing )

He said it as though the
last bit was gonna rhyme.

He said it like
it was gonna rhyme.

Oh God. It's amazing.
It's amazing.

- Karl.
- No, I think he feels...

I think he feels as though
the final line...

"I'd rather be a blind moth"...

is gonna be one of those great,
you know... a summation,

that somehow the moth is a metaphor.
The caveman...

- I'd rather be a blind moth.
- No, but all I'm doing...

There's no metaphor in that.
He really does mean...

Both: He'd rather
be a blind moth.

Yeah, well, just because I've
looked at the day's news...

Are you getting
into poetry now properly?

I really like it, yeah.
Right, I did two about jellyfish.

- Excellent.
- Uh...

"I don't like jellyfish.
They're not a fish.

They're just a blob.

They don't have eyes,
fins or scales like a cod.

They float about blind,
stinging people in the seas.

And no one eats jellyfish
with chips and mushy peas.

Get rid of 'em."

Get...
( Laughing )

And then there's just a short
one I did about a jellyfish.

Um,

"It would be spiteful to put
jellyfish in a trifle."

( Ricky laughing )

Yeah, it certainly would.

So...

That's great.

That's really good.
'Cause it's jelly.

He's telling us this, Steve.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
- That's a really good poem.

Can we always do that, Karl?

Can we always find
a day, right,

and always sum it up
in your thoughts...

- In a poem.
- ...A poem, just like that?

"It would be spiteful
to put jellyfish in a trifle."

Yeah.

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