Original subtitles

Announcer: For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

( Dings )

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me... Ricky Gervais... Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

( Theme music plays )

Now, Karl, I know you're fascinated by the concept of the doppelganger,

of seeing someone who looks exactly like you.

Jake has emailed and he says,

"Karl, if you could spend a day

with an exact replica of you..."

Okay, so if somehow they've cloned you, Karl,

and they've got... you've got him for one day,

what would you do with this?

What would you make him do?

What conversation would you have with him?

What would you do? Is there anything you could...

you know, how would you utilize him for one day?

Well, they'd both say, "I'm not bothered,"

- and that would be the end of conversation. - Yeah.

What would do me head in is

does he think the same way, look the same way?

- Stephen: Exactly the same. - Ricky: Yeah.

How would I know which one I was?

( Laughing )

- Because you'd be you. - That's amazing.

- "How would I know which one I was"? - That's incredible.

- No, because... - That is the most stupid thing

ever said by a human being.

Can we get the "Guinness Book of Records" on this?

Has anyone anywhere in the world

said anything more stupid

than, "how would I know which one was me?"

But think about it.

This other person's going, "all right,

thanks for meeting up and that."

And I'd go, "hang on a minute. No, you came to me."

And then Suzanne would come home

and she wouldn't know the difference.

And then suddenly you'd start doubting yourself

and you'd go, "should I be leaving or..."

So how do I know if I am that real one if he knows what I know?

But you know who you are because you're experiencing it.

But he'd be saying that because he'd say,

"yeah, it's a bit weird, isn't it?"

But you know the truth, you idiot.

"How would I know which one I was?"

So anyways...

- But bear in mind you... - What would you do?

You could pass him off as yourself.

What would you do? Would you play tricks?

Would you, you know...

You could be in two places at once.

Would you do stings? Would you do scams?

No, because it would only end up

getting me into trouble, won't it?

Because people won't believe that there's another one like me.

Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing.

They'd go, "it wasn't me. It was me doppelganger."

( Laughing )

It can only... I wouldn't want it, to be honest.

Again, it's a bit of a headache, isn't it?

Because he could be going off going mental,

causing all sorts of trouble and you go, "will you pack it in?"

And he's going, "what? What are you on about?"

But then that wouldn't happen, would it?

Because he's being me, so he'd be sat wherever I am anyway,

'cause he'd wanna do what I wanna do.

So pointless.

But I still wouldn't want it.

( Laughing ) It's unbelievable.

- That was a conversation with himself. - That was amazing.

That was like experiencing what it would have been like if there was two Karls.

- Yeah. - He was having a discussion with himself.

We could have left in that time and come back,

and he'd be arguing still.

But does this mean... does this mean...

( laughing )

Does this mean, though, that I could just sit at home

and not do anything and just send me out on...

Yes.

And when he... when he's seeing

something happen, I'm seeing it?

- No. No no no. You're separate people. - You're separate people.

But then he's not a doppelganger then, is he?

Well, you're identical twins then.

You found out you're identical twins

and he's got the exact... the same input as you.

I mean it's not a real question, is it?

It's just a little... again...

But I said to you the other week about twins and that,

how it's... I wouldn't like to have a twin.

It's all right when you're a kid, but...

Unless you're a siamese twin.

Even they don't even look alike, do they?

They're just stuck together.

You don't go, "don't they look like each other?"

They have different haircuts.

They don't carry that thing on, do they, like normal twins do?

Like normal twins who, say, have the same haircut,

wear the same shirt.

Siamese twins never look the same.

They've just got their ass stuck together.

( Laughing )

Again, it's a dialogue in his own head.

It's unbelievable.

Okay, Karl, this is a...

a logical conundrum to a certain extent.

There's a little bit of lateral thinking because...

But there is only one right answer.

Now the pressure here isn't to get this right.

The pressure is

when I've told you the answer to then understand it,

'cause I've still... when I've explained this to people,

I've laid it out for them, they still can't quite get the concept.

- Okay, so there's two doors, Karl. - Yeah.

- One leads to heaven, one leads to hell. - Yeah.

Okay, they're identical. You can't tell them apart, okay?

- 50-50. - Right.

Obviously, you want to go heaven, I assume.

Right, there's two guards, identical guards,

- guarding each door, okay? - Right.

The one guarding hell always tells a lie.

The one guarding heaven always tells the truth.

You have to ask one question to find out which...

which is which, and then go through the door you want.

What question do you ask?

- I've only got one? - Yeah.

- And what, one to both? - No, one to either of them.

You don't know which one's which though.

So what question do you ask?

Why can't I ask, like, both of them one?

- Because it's not the... - The rules are you can only ask one.

There aren't actually two doors labeled "heaven" and "hell," Karl.

That's... there's a leap of imagination here.

I've definitely tried to...

I've got to ask them a question?

I can't just sort of have a feel of the door

to see if there's any heat or anything?

( Cackling ) They're identical.

You stand a few yards away.

You cannot tell from the outside

of these doors which is which.

What question do you ask?

I can't look through the keyhole or anything?

There's no keyhole.

- Karl: Um... - Stephen: Let's imagine there's a small rope

that prevents you from getting anywhere near,

rather like at a nightclub.

( Sighs )

So they're stood there. They both look the same.

- They're both smiling. - Ricky: Yeah.

But one of them's not really smiling, really.

He's trying to make me make a mistake, isn't he?

Well, he's just gonna lie when you ask him a question, if you ask him.

So what's the point in asking a question...

- Do I know one of them's gonna lie? - Yeah.

But would they be neighbors like this?

- Would they be that close? - ( Laughing )

- Why... - ( Laughing continues )

I mean we're not sure if these two guys get on.

Well, I'll tell you the answer.

No no no, I wanna see if he can get it.

- He's almost there. - Uh...

No, he's not almost there. What am I thinking?

No, hang on. Right, so you go up and you go, um...

- ( laughing quietly ) - Hang on.

Let's imagine that... let's imagine Ricky and I are those two guys, okay?

- Right? - But we have to...

Well, me and Steve will decide which doors we're guarding, okay?

- Karl: Right. - I'm... uh...

Look away, Karl.

- Ricky: Okay then. - Stephen: So we've decided, okay?

One of us is guarding hell

and one of us is guarding heaven.

Which question are you gonna ask

and who are you gonna ask it to?

Right, um, I'll just say to you, Steve...

I'll go, "got some...

got some post for God here."

That's not a question. That's a statement.

Right, you've got some post for God here.

- That's not a question. - Maybe the question's coming.

You've got some post for God here, yeah.

Uh, and it needs to be signed.

It's not a question. It's still not a question.

- No, let him finish. - Is God in?

Because I need him to sign for this post.

Is he in?

Well, I can answer that as well, if you want.

- Go on. - Yeah, he's in.

He's behind my door. Do you wanna answer it?

- Well... - Yes, he's in.

Do you wanna get him? Just, uh...

Well, you only got one question.

So you're asking Steve, "is God in?"

- What's the answer? - Yes.

Ask me. Yes.

Look, lads, I'm just trying to do a job here.

Um, what am I gonna do with this?

Well, give it to me and I'll give it to God,

because he's behind my door. Steve?

Yeah, give it to me and I'll take it in to God

because he's behind my door.

Ricky: You're an idiot.

Let me tell you the answer.

I'm guarding hell, by the way.

I'm the devil. Steve's God, okay?

So you asked me what Steve would say

if you asked him what door he was guarding, and I'm gonna lie.

I know he'd say heaven because he'd tell the truth.

But I'm lying, so I'd say he'd say hell.

So the question is if I was to ask the other one

what door he was guarding, what would he say?

And whatever the person answers

is the door they're guarding.

Steve, what door are you... are you looking after?

- Well... - Heaven.

Yeah.

Why should I believe you?

Because you don't know.

No, that doesn't work because you asked me the same,

and I'd say heaven as well.

Right. So who do I believe?

This is where you use your gut feeling, though, isn't it?

- This is what life's... - ( Laughing )

What, as opposed to the pure logic that Ricky's just used?

I just think... because there's a lot of questions in life

where you don't know the answer and you go,

"do you know what? I don't like the look of him."

- So... - Ricky: They're identical.

Yeah, but they're still identical twins.

You always get a little snidy one.

( Laughing )

Oh, chimpanzee that... he's written it down! ( Screeches )

Ah, that's the jingle there for Karl's diary.

Here we are.

"Spoke to Ricky and his friend Glyn about art.

I just don't get it.

Ricky had some odd pictures on his walls.

I don't have any pictures up in my flat

because of the mirrored wall.

But I can't say I'm bothered."

The mirrored wall... We should explain what that is.

When you moved into your flat there was an enormous mirror on one wall.

- Was that right? - We had just got this flat

and, you know, it's not a big flat.

So I think the people who had it before us...

He was a gay fella, right?

Which was a bit like, "what's he been doing with that mirror?"

- ( Laughing ) - What?

- No, just... - What? What?

What has he been doing with the mirror?

No, it's because they're quite sort of experimental and that,

- aren't they? - I don't know. What do you mean?

I wouldn't know anything about it, but go on.

- No, what are you on... - No, I don't.

Experimental in what way?

I just mean, you know, they'd be doing stuff.

- ( Chicken clucks ) - Ricky: What?

- Karl: Whatever they do. - Stephen: They have a chemistry set,

- doing experiments? - Karl: No, just doing...

Singing "I am what I am" and checking out the dance moves?

I'm not having a go at anyone.

I'm just saying they're doing what they're doing...

Karl, you're not homophobic, are you?

No, I'm not. This is what...

But why are you worried about

what a little gay fellow was doing in your flat,

before you got it, in front of a mirror?

I wasn't worried about it.

Why are you thinking about what he's doing?

Why are you fantasizing what a gay fellow was doing in front of your mirror?

I'm... I'm not bothered.

I'm just telling you why it was a bit odd

that he had a mirror in there, right?

But forget the history.

But you've got a mirror in there now, haven't ya?

No, because what I did was,

I tried... I was gonna take it down.

I thought, "oh, it's a bit dangerous, this.

You know, it could crack and..."

It's the size of the whole wall, isn't it?

- It took up a whole wall... - Right.

...So that when he's moving about,

he's got a good view of it and that.

But he's got this full wall of mirror and I thought,

"I can't take that down."

( Giggling )

And I thought, "what can I do?"

So I've just put wallpaper on it.

- Stephen: Brilliant. - Karl: And it looks all right.

You wouldn't know and what have you,

but it means that I can't put any pictures up.

That's... that's all... that's all I'm saying.

- If I've got a nail in... - And what don't you understand about art?

What about art don't you understand?

The concept? Specifics?

No, I... that's... that's like when...

When we were in London, I was shopping around at Christmas

and there was that picture of fruit for 700 quid.

It's like, well, just get some fruit. You know what I mean?

You can get some real fruit for three quid.

- Ricky: Yeah. - Karl: I understand that.

But don't invent cameras then. One or the other.

Do you know what I mean? That's what annoys me.

Someone invents something and then they go,

"we've gotta invent something else."

Like the abstract thing. Why has someone gone,

"oh, I can't have paintings anymore because..."

Wasn't it dali going... melting clocks and stuff?

I mean the first one was all right

when he did the first clock.

But then all the time he's just like,

"oh, I'll draw something that's got a melting clock on it.

I'll do a sheep, put one of them on it."

Have you seen his lobster telephone?

- That annoys me. - Why?

Because I think what annoyed me more with that

is when I heard about how it happened.

He had some artist mate round, right?

And I don't know what happened.

Okay. That's a hell of an anecdote.

No no, they were eating some food and what have you.

- Stephen: Lobsters? - Karl: And...

Yeah, they were eating lobster.

- Ricky: All right. That's handy. - Karl: And, uh...

I don't know the other artist.

Whoever it was started saying,

"oh, you and your clocks," and all that, right?

Brilliant. This didn't happen.

They started arguing and he chucked some of the lobster.

- Ricky: Bollocks. - Stephen: And it landed on the phone?

It bounced off his mate's head, went on the phone.

And they both looked at each other like,

"are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

And they brought out that phone as a bit of art.

Things like that annoy me

because it was them just messing about.

- That didn't happen. - Just telling you what I know.

I saw his... his work.

Each to their own, if that's what he's doing.

I'm just saying I'm not putting my stamp of approval on it.

Art should be there to tell a story,

not just have a splash of color.

Would Suzanne like some art?

Just like... so Suzanne's not allowed to watch telly

unless it's her favorite thing.

Otherwise she's gotta talk to me about stuff.

There's no art. There's no point, just wallpaper.

I'm just saying we've got three...

three windows we can look out of.

- Ricky: Right. - Karl: Right?

Stop looking at the walls. Look out the window.

- ( Ricky cackling ) - ( Chirping )

"Me mom phoned and said that me auntie Nora..."

Ah, classic auntie Nora...

"wanted me to look on the Internet to find out

what the weather would be like in Spain at the end of November.

I don't know where she gets her money from.

Two months ago she was asking me dad

how much it would be to get her back garden astroturfed

because she's sick and tired of the grass getting out of hand."

What does she want to do, start a football team?

Why does she want her back garden astroturfed?

She likes the sort of green look,

but she doesn't the headache that comes with it.

So she's just looking into getting

that false grass put in there.

- Brilliant. - Don't know how much it is.

"Went round to Ricky's and had some chicken curry

that Ricky's girlfriend Jane had made.

Ricky and Jane were going on holiday for a few days

and had arranged for Glyn to come in and make sure

the cat was okay while they were away.

I'm sick of that cat.

I was surprised that they hadn't paid

for the little shit to go away with them in first class."

Blimey, getting a bit vitriolic in the diary.

Why doesn't he like the fact

that I've got a cat and I love the cat?

- Why... - It's just everything in that house

that you've got gets sort of "special treatment."

And it's a cat and it annoys me.

What do you mean "gets special treatment"?

- Sometimes... - We put food down for it,

and sometimes it gets on our lap and we stroke it.

Karl: You don't just stroke it. You massage its back.

You're going, "are you stressed out? Are you stressed out?"

Well, it's good... No, I'm not saying, "are you stressed out?"

At no point did I say, "are you stressed out?"

You said, "what the fuck are you doing it for? Is it stressed out?"

I... I like touching my cat.

To be honest with you, I don't like Ricky's cat

- because it... - Oh, I can't believe this!

Because every time I go round there,

it goes straight for me goolies.

It's like the lizard thing you've got.

It just sat there.

You've bought it a big box, right, to be in.

Right. It's a salamander, so it's an amphibian.

- It's not a box. It's a big vivarium. - Yeah, but what I'm saying...

and... and if you're gonna criticize something

for just sitting there, having a round head

and doing nothing with its life...

People who live in glass houses.

We've done this one.

Do you know what gets me, though, Steve?

When I was there, I was looking at it and I thought, "is it dead?"

Because he just sat there like...

It was thinking exactly the same fucking thing.

It sat there not moving, right?

And then on the top of the box

there's a boxful of crickets and stuff.

- That's its food, right? - Yeah.

But they were more active than the thing that it was gonna feed.

- Get rid of the lizard. Keep them in there. - ( Cheering )

More entertaining. Don't understand it.

"A few months back, a girl who was having a kid

showed me one of them scans of the kid that was in her.

That's science gone mad, isn't it?

I couldn't think of anything nice to say as it looked like a frog."

( Cackling )

Do you know why we've got to that point?

- What? - Why have we gotta see something that young?

- Why... - Because people can keep an eye

on the progress of the baby in the womb.

Yeah, but why are they printing it out and stuff?

Surely that's for a doctor to see.

Well, that's just an added bonus

for people who are interested in such things.

That's like saying, "why do you take pictures of anything?"

No, but what... what I mean is, why...

At what point are we gonna stop?

Are we gonna start sort of x-raying the fella's testicles

and saying, "well, there it is at a really young age."

- ( Ricky laughing ) - Where are we gonna stop?

It's just horses for courses, isn't it?

Some people like to have a record of their baby in the womb.

They like to show their baby.

They sit down and they show the friends the slide show.

"That's the birth." "Oh, that's the conception."

"Oh, look, Ron's going a bit mad there, isn't he?"

But why do I need to see this? This is what I'm saying.

It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it.

I was like, "oh God."

You know what I mean? It was an odd-looking thing.

I couldn't say, "oh, it looks like you,"

because that would be a diss.

( Cackling )

Well, Rick, you're not the only one who's been away.

I know you've been off working.

But I, at long last, have taken a bit of leisure time.

- Go on. - And uh... haha,

you've probably heard of the Rio de Janeiro carnival...

Only one of the hottest, you know, events

in the world calendar.

- ( Laughing ) Imagine me down there. - Oh!

Rio, you can imagine, did not know what hit it.

Oh, God almighty. I imagine...

Were you like Paul "the party animal" Parker?

He would not have been able to keep up if he was with me.

God, what did you do? What did get up to?

Oh, let me tell you right now.

Day one, I almost drowned.

Day two, I got a foot infection

and spent the day the hospital.

And the rest of the time I had diarrhea.

( Laughing )

- Stephen: So that's... - ( Farting, plopping )

That was a hell of a time.

- Carnival. - Yeah yeah. I did...

I was able to watch some of the carnival on tv

and it looked brilliant. It looked amazing.

I didn't actually... it was difficult to make out

because the tv wasn't actually in my room.

Because in an effort to save money,

I wasn't staying in a hotel.

I was staying with a bunch of other people in some kind of...

like someone's flat that they had let out.

And so I had to look... I had to watch the tv...

It was like from my window watching a neighbor's tv.

And of course when they changed the channel, you know...

often during the juicy bits, like continually.

And so... But it looked really good.

I'm bunged up at the moment

just so I can get through the show.

But I've just been on a 12-hour flight,

and it is terrifying being on a flight

when you know that at any moment you could go because

the problem is sometimes the toilet is free and sometimes it isn't.

You've gotta queue up.

And the worst bit is that half an hour just before you land

when they say the toilets are out of bounds now...

( cackling )

I tell you I went twice before that in quick succession.

The woman sat next to the toilet,

she didn't know what was going on...

the noises and stuff in there.

- And I was... because I was really panicky... - Ricky: Of course.

And so of course then on the whole flight,

as we're landing, I'm really petrified because I'm thinking

this could... and I had packed a pair of underpants and jeans,

in my bag, in the holder, just in case I went.

And I was really... because I hate flying anyway and I hate landing.

It's the most terrifying moment of the journey.

Then it really was rumbling

and I was thinking, "I've gotta get out of here."

Of course you know when... in a hurry everything...

suddenly everything makes you angry.

The little old lady in front of me

who's just hobbling along off the gangplank...

"get out of my way! " You know, just really... you know?

"With your bad hips and your bad legs."

"Yeah, and your zimmer frame."

"I know you've been through a war, but get out of my way!"

And just anyone who could have even passed you.

You're... ( Grunting )

And so I managed to get there just in time.

Got into the toilet and it all went off.

Man alive, it was... it was grim.

But that was not anything compared with the first couple days.

Because the first day, I was... I went for a walk.

Ipanema beach is famous for just the beautiful beautiful people

that gather there.

There's so many beautiful women in Rio, it made me angry.

I was angry that these women were so attractive

and that, you know, none of them were even looking at me.

So but anyway, I'm on the beach because...

I was shopping and I needed a wee, right?

And we went for a quick impromptu swim

and I thought, "I'll wee in the sea."

Just think of him on this beach, right, with diarrhea!

Well, I'm wearing great big long shorts

because I'm not gonna try and compete with these boys...

And you are... can I say this...

the whitest man I've ever met in my life.

I mean with his shirt off you can see his heart like a newborn fish.

( Laughs ) Well, this is the thing.

As I went into the sea to have a wee...

there was a discussion about this.

"As I went into the sea to have a wee."

Well see, there was a discussion about this

because I'm very much of the opinion

that you should take your trunks down.

And some people, some of my friends, are saying,

"just do it in your trunks and let sea... the sea just wash it away."

What a hell of a carnival.

I'm against that. I've always been against that...

against that in swimming pools, everything, you know.

- So I... - No, I'm against pissing in swimming pools full stop.

It doesn't matter whether you do it

and take your trunks down or let... Don't piss in the swimming pool.

- But what about in the sea? - Well, fine, yeah.

- Fine, okay. - Fish do it, so...

So anyway, so I'm in the sea

trying to urinate, so I kneeled...

because I'm obviously very tall, so it's tricky to get deep enough

for the water to mask what you're up to.

So I tried to kneel down in the water, right?

And I got the... I got John Thomas out,

but then the water swept out again

and just left me on the beach.

- ( Ricky cackling ) - So...

But luckily my back was to everyone, so no one saw.

So, um... so I...

I can't think of a funnier sight than Steve Merchant

on his knees, with his little John Thomas out.

I don't know how big it is. I've never seen it,

but I imagine it's in proportion

to the rest of you, is it?

- No? - I wish.

All I'll say is I've been a little short-changed.

But, um... so then I got up

and I waded a bit deeper in, right?

And now I was sort of... I was trying.

I got it out, but what I didn't realize

is that the waves just off the beach

are really just uncontrollable.

You never know what's gonna happen.

So suddenly, I see this giant wave

coming towards me, crashing towards me.

And I've got my cock out and everything, and it grabs...

this wave comes over me, and lifts me up

and flips me up in the water, right?

I'm floundering around. I can't see anything

because of course I had to take my glasses off to go in the sea.

( Cackling ) Ah, oh God!

- Because I didn't want to lose them. - Oh God.

So I'm, like, floundering around,

and I'm genuinely getting scared

because as I tried to get in to shore,

the wave just pulls me back again.

- So I'm waving to my friends on the beach. - Ricky: With everything.

But what I don't realize is that because I'm not wearing my glasses,

I don't realize that I've been dragged along the beach some way

and I'm not actually waving to my friends.

So there's, like, a bunch of these beautiful women on Ipanema beach

watching a pasty white man

waving with his cock out.

And what annoyed me was my friends were laughing.

- And that really angers me. - Steve, if I had been there, I would have burst.

Why wouldn't you have come running?

Would you have come running in to help me?

No, I couldn't have saved you

with your glasses off and your knob out.

If I ever save you, I want you to be

fully dressed with your glasses on.

So you'd have just let me go?

That would have been what you'd have said to my parents.

"He had his knob out and his glasses off.

There was no way I was gonna..."

I can't think of a funnier sight.

- Oh. - ( Theme music playing )

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