All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e02 Doppleganger.eng

Announcer: For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant
and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

( Dings )

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me... Ricky Gervais...
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

( Theme music plays )

Now, Karl, I know you're fascinated
by the concept of the doppelganger,

of seeing someone
who looks exactly like you.

Jake has emailed and he says,

"Karl, if you could spend a day

with an exact replica
of you..."

Okay, so if somehow
they've cloned you, Karl,

and they've got... you've
got him for one day,

what would you do with this?

What would you make him do?

What conversation
would you have with him?

What would you do?
Is there anything you could...

you know, how would you
utilize him for one day?

Well, they'd both say,
"I'm not bothered,"

- and that would be the end of conversation.
- Yeah.

What would do me head in is

does he think the same way,
look the same way?

- Stephen: Exactly the same.
- Ricky: Yeah.

How would I know
which one I was?

( Laughing )

- Because you'd be you.
- That's amazing.

- "How would I know which one I was"?
- That's incredible.

- No, because...
- That is the most stupid thing

ever said by a human being.

Can we get the "Guinness
Book of Records" on this?

Has anyone
anywhere in the world

said anything more stupid

than, "how would I know
which one was me?"

But think about it.

This other person's
going, "all right,

thanks for meeting up
and that."

And I'd go, "hang on a minute.
No, you came to me."

And then Suzanne
would come home

and she wouldn't
know the difference.

And then suddenly you'd
start doubting yourself

and you'd go,
"should I be leaving or..."

So how do I know if I am that
real one if he knows what I know?

But you know who you are
because you're experiencing it.

But he'd be saying that
because he'd say,

"yeah, it's a bit weird,
isn't it?"

But you know the truth,
you idiot.

"How would I know
which one I was?"

So anyways...

- But bear in mind you...
- What would you do?

You could pass him off
as yourself.

What would you do?
Would you play tricks?

Would you, you know...

You could be
in two places at once.

Would you do stings?
Would you do scams?

No, because it would
only end up

getting me into trouble, won't it?

Because people won't believe that
there's another one like me.

Otherwise everyone would be saying
that when they get caught robbing.

They'd go, "it wasn't me.
It was me doppelganger."

( Laughing )

It can only... I wouldn't
want it, to be honest.

Again, it's a bit
of a headache, isn't it?

Because he could be
going off going mental,

causing all sorts of trouble and
you go, "will you pack it in?"

And he's going, "what?
What are you on about?"

But then that wouldn't
happen, would it?

Because he's being me, so he'd
be sat wherever I am anyway,

'cause he'd wanna do
what I wanna do.

So pointless.

But I still wouldn't want it.

( Laughing )
It's unbelievable.

- That was a conversation with himself.
- That was amazing.

That was like experiencing what it would
have been like if there was two Karls.

- Yeah.
- He was having a discussion with himself.

We could have left
in that time and come back,

and he'd be arguing still.

But does this mean...
does this mean...

( laughing )

Does this mean, though, that
I could just sit at home

and not do anything
and just send me out on...

Yes.

And when he...
when he's seeing

something happen,
I'm seeing it?

- No. No no no. You're separate people.
- You're separate people.

But then he's not
a doppelganger then, is he?

Well, you're
identical twins then.

You found out
you're identical twins

and he's got the exact...
the same input as you.

I mean it's not a
real question, is it?

It's just a little...
again...

But I said to you the other
week about twins and that,

how it's... I wouldn't
like to have a twin.

It's all right
when you're a kid, but...

Unless you're a siamese twin.

Even they don't even
look alike, do they?

They're just stuck together.

You don't go, "don't they
look like each other?"

They have different haircuts.

They don't carry that thing on,
do they, like normal twins do?

Like normal twins who, say,
have the same haircut,

wear the same shirt.

Siamese twins
never look the same.

They've just got their ass
stuck together.

( Laughing )

Again, it's a dialogue
in his own head.

It's unbelievable.

Okay, Karl, this is a...

a logical conundrum
to a certain extent.

There's a little bit of
lateral thinking because...

But there is only
one right answer.

Now the pressure here
isn't to get this right.

The pressure is

when I've told you the answer
to then understand it,

'cause I've still... when I've
explained this to people,

I've laid it out for them, they
still can't quite get the concept.

- Okay, so there's two doors, Karl.
- Yeah.

- One leads to heaven, one leads to hell.
- Yeah.

Okay, they're identical.
You can't tell them apart, okay?

- 50-50.
- Right.

Obviously, you want
to go heaven, I assume.

Right, there's two guards,
identical guards,

- guarding each door, okay?
- Right.

The one guarding hell
always tells a lie.

The one guarding heaven
always tells the truth.

You have to ask one question
to find out which...

which is which, and then go
through the door you want.

What question do you ask?

- I've only got one?
- Yeah.

- And what, one to both?
- No, one to either of them.

You don't know
which one's which though.

So what question do you ask?

Why can't I ask, like,
both of them one?

- Because it's not the...
- The rules are you can only ask one.

There aren't actually two doors
labeled "heaven" and "hell," Karl.

That's... there's a leap
of imagination here.

I've definitely tried to...

I've got to ask them
a question?

I can't just sort of
have a feel of the door

to see if there's
any heat or anything?

( Cackling )
They're identical.

You stand a few yards away.

You cannot tell
from the outside

of these doors which is which.

What question do you ask?

I can't look through the
keyhole or anything?

There's no keyhole.

- Karl: Um...
- Stephen: Let's imagine there's a small rope

that prevents you
from getting anywhere near,

rather like at a nightclub.

( Sighs )

So they're stood there.
They both look the same.

- They're both smiling.
- Ricky: Yeah.

But one of them's not
really smiling, really.

He's trying to make me
make a mistake, isn't he?

Well, he's just gonna lie when you
ask him a question, if you ask him.

So what's the point
in asking a question...

- Do I know one of them's gonna lie?
- Yeah.

But would they be
neighbors like this?

- Would they be that close?
- ( Laughing )

- Why...
- ( Laughing continues )

I mean we're not sure
if these two guys get on.

Well, I'll tell you the answer.

No no no, I wanna see
if he can get it.

- He's almost there.
- Uh...

No, he's not almost there.
What am I thinking?

No, hang on.
Right, so you go up and you go, um...

- ( laughing quietly )
- Hang on.

Let's imagine that... let's imagine
Ricky and I are those two guys, okay?

- Right?
- But we have to...

Well, me and Steve will decide
which doors we're guarding, okay?

- Karl: Right.
- I'm... uh...

Look away, Karl.

- Ricky: Okay then.
- Stephen: So we've decided, okay?

One of us is guarding hell

and one of us
is guarding heaven.

Which question
are you gonna ask

and who are you
gonna ask it to?

Right, um, I'll just
say to you, Steve...

I'll go, "got some...

got some post
for God here."

That's not a question.
That's a statement.

Right, you've got
some post for God here.

- That's not a question.
- Maybe the question's coming.

You've got some post
for God here, yeah.

Uh, and it needs to be signed.

It's not a question.
It's still not a question.

- No, let him finish.
- Is God in?

Because I need him
to sign for this post.

Is he in?

Well, I can answer that
as well, if you want.

- Go on.
- Yeah, he's in.

He's behind my door.
Do you wanna answer it?

- Well...
- Yes, he's in.

Do you wanna get him?
Just, uh...

Well, you only got
one question.

So you're asking Steve,
"is God in?"

- What's the answer?
- Yes.

Ask me. Yes.

Look, lads, I'm just
trying to do a job here.

Um, what am I gonna
do with this?

Well, give it to me
and I'll give it to God,

because he's behind
my door. Steve?

Yeah, give it to me
and I'll take it in to God

because he's behind my door.

Ricky:
You're an idiot.

Let me tell you the answer.

I'm guarding hell, by the way.

I'm the devil.
Steve's God, okay?

So you asked me
what Steve would say

if you asked him what door he was
guarding, and I'm gonna lie.

I know he'd say heaven
because he'd tell the truth.

But I'm lying,
so I'd say he'd say hell.

So the question is
if I was to ask the other one

what door he was guarding,
what would he say?

And whatever the person answers

is the door they're guarding.

Steve, what door are you...
are you looking after?

- Well...
- Heaven.

Yeah.

Why should I believe you?

Because you don't know.

No, that doesn't work because
you asked me the same,

and I'd say heaven as well.

Right.
So who do I believe?

This is where you use your gut
feeling, though, isn't it?

- This is what life's...
- ( Laughing )

What, as opposed to the pure
logic that Ricky's just used?

I just think... because there's
a lot of questions in life

where you don't know
the answer and you go,

"do you know what?
I don't like the look of him."

- So...
- Ricky: They're identical.

Yeah, but they're still
identical twins.

You always get
a little snidy one.

( Laughing )

Oh, chimpanzee that... he's written it down!
( Screeches )

Ah, that's the jingle there
for Karl's diary.

Here we are.

"Spoke to Ricky and his
friend Glyn about art.

I just don't get it.

Ricky had some odd
pictures on his walls.

I don't have any
pictures up in my flat

because of the mirrored wall.

But I can't say
I'm bothered."

The mirrored wall...
We should explain what that is.

When you moved into your flat there
was an enormous mirror on one wall.

- Was that right?
- We had just got this flat

and, you know,
it's not a big flat.

So I think the people
who had it before us...

He was a gay fella, right?

Which was a bit like, "what's he
been doing with that mirror?"

- ( Laughing )
- What?

- No, just...
- What? What?

What has he been doing
with the mirror?

No, it's because they're quite
sort of experimental and that,

- aren't they?
- I don't know. What do you mean?

I wouldn't know anything
about it, but go on.

- No, what are you on...
- No, I don't.

Experimental in what way?

I just mean, you know,
they'd be doing stuff.

- ( Chicken clucks )
- Ricky: What?

- Karl: Whatever they do.
- Stephen: They have a chemistry set,

- doing experiments?
- Karl: No, just doing...

Singing "I am what I am" and
checking out the dance moves?

I'm not having a go at anyone.

I'm just saying they're
doing what they're doing...

Karl, you're not
homophobic, are you?

No, I'm not.
This is what...

But why are you worried about

what a little gay fellow
was doing in your flat,

before you got it,
in front of a mirror?

I wasn't worried about it.

Why are you thinking
about what he's doing?

Why are you fantasizing what a gay fellow
was doing in front of your mirror?

I'm... I'm not bothered.

I'm just telling you
why it was a bit odd

that he had a mirror
in there, right?

But forget the history.

But you've got a mirror
in there now, haven't ya?

No, because what I did was,

I tried... I was gonna
take it down.

I thought, "oh,
it's a bit dangerous, this.

You know,
it could crack and..."

It's the size of the
whole wall, isn't it?

- It took up a whole wall...
- Right.

...So that when
he's moving about,

he's got a good view
of it and that.

But he's got this full wall
of mirror and I thought,

"I can't
take that down."

( Giggling )

And I thought,
"what can I do?"

So I've just put
wallpaper on it.

- Stephen: Brilliant.
- Karl: And it looks all right.

You wouldn't know
and what have you,

but it means that I can't
put any pictures up.

That's... that's all...
that's all I'm saying.

- If I've got a nail in...
- And what don't you understand about art?

What about art
don't you understand?

The concept?
Specifics?

No, I... that's...
that's like when...

When we were in London, I was
shopping around at Christmas

and there was that picture
of fruit for 700 quid.

It's like, well, just get some fruit.
You know what I mean?

You can get some real
fruit for three quid.

- Ricky: Yeah.
- Karl: I understand that.

But don't invent cameras then.
One or the other.

Do you know what I mean?
That's what annoys me.

Someone invents something
and then they go,

"we've gotta invent
something else."

Like the abstract thing.
Why has someone gone,

"oh, I can't have paintings
anymore because..."

Wasn't it dali going...
melting clocks and stuff?

I mean the first one
was all right

when he did the first clock.

But then all the time
he's just like,

"oh, I'll draw something that's
got a melting clock on it.

I'll do a sheep,
put one of them on it."

Have you seen
his lobster telephone?

- That annoys me.
- Why?

Because I think what
annoyed me more with that

is when I heard
about how it happened.

He had some artist mate
round, right?

And I don't know what happened.

Okay. That's a hell
of an anecdote.

No no, they were eating
some food and what have you.

- Stephen: Lobsters?
- Karl: And...

Yeah, they were eating lobster.

- Ricky: All right. That's handy.
- Karl: And, uh...

I don't know the other artist.

Whoever it was started saying,

"oh, you and your clocks,"
and all that, right?

Brilliant.
This didn't happen.

They started arguing and he
chucked some of the lobster.

- Ricky: Bollocks.
- Stephen: And it landed on the phone?

It bounced off his mate's
head, went on the phone.

And they both looked
at each other like,

"are you thinking
what I'm thinking?"

And they brought out
that phone as a bit of art.

Things like that annoy me

because it was them
just messing about.

- That didn't happen.
- Just telling you what I know.

I saw his... his work.

Each to their own,
if that's what he's doing.

I'm just saying I'm not putting
my stamp of approval on it.

Art should be there
to tell a story,

not just have
a splash of color.

Would Suzanne like some art?

Just like... so Suzanne's
not allowed to watch telly

unless it's her favorite thing.

Otherwise she's gotta
talk to me about stuff.

There's no art.
There's no point, just wallpaper.

I'm just saying
we've got three...

three windows
we can look out of.

- Ricky: Right.
- Karl: Right?

Stop looking at the walls.
Look out the window.

- ( Ricky cackling )
- ( Chirping )

"Me mom phoned and said
that me auntie Nora..."

Ah, classic auntie Nora...

"wanted me to look on the
Internet to find out

what the weather would be like
in Spain at the end of November.

I don't know where she
gets her money from.

Two months ago
she was asking me dad

how much it would be to get
her back garden astroturfed

because she's sick and tired of
the grass getting out of hand."

What does she want to do,
start a football team?

Why does she want her
back garden astroturfed?

She likes
the sort of green look,

but she doesn't the headache
that comes with it.

So she's just looking
into getting

that false grass put in there.

- Brilliant.
- Don't know how much it is.

"Went round to Ricky's
and had some chicken curry

that Ricky's girlfriend
Jane had made.

Ricky and Jane were going
on holiday for a few days

and had arranged for Glyn
to come in and make sure

the cat was okay
while they were away.

I'm sick of that cat.

I was surprised
that they hadn't paid

for the little shit to go away
with them in first class."

Blimey, getting a bit
vitriolic in the diary.

Why doesn't he like the fact

that I've got a cat
and I love the cat?

- Why...
- It's just everything in that house

that you've got gets
sort of "special treatment."

And it's a cat
and it annoys me.

What do you mean
"gets special treatment"?

- Sometimes...
- We put food down for it,

and sometimes it gets on
our lap and we stroke it.

Karl: You don't just stroke it.
You massage its back.

You're going, "are you stressed out?
Are you stressed out?"

Well, it's good... No, I'm not
saying, "are you stressed out?"

At no point did I say,
"are you stressed out?"

You said, "what the fuck are you doing it for?
Is it stressed out?"

I... I like
touching my cat.

To be honest with you,
I don't like Ricky's cat

- because it...
- Oh, I can't believe this!

Because every time
I go round there,

it goes straight
for me goolies.

It's like the lizard
thing you've got.

It just sat there.

You've bought it a big
box, right, to be in.

Right. It's a salamander,
so it's an amphibian.

- It's not a box. It's a big vivarium.
- Yeah, but what I'm saying...

and... and if you're
gonna criticize something

for just sitting there,
having a round head

and doing nothing
with its life...

People who live
in glass houses.

We've done this one.

Do you know what gets
me, though, Steve?

When I was there, I was looking at
it and I thought, "is it dead?"

Because he just
sat there like...

It was thinking exactly
the same fucking thing.

It sat there not moving, right?

And then on the top of the box

there's a boxful
of crickets and stuff.

- That's its food, right?
- Yeah.

But they were more active than the
thing that it was gonna feed.

- Get rid of the lizard. Keep them in there.
- ( Cheering )

More entertaining.
Don't understand it.

"A few months back,
a girl who was having a kid

showed me one of them scans
of the kid that was in her.

That's science
gone mad, isn't it?

I couldn't think of anything nice
to say as it looked like a frog."

( Cackling )

Do you know why we've
got to that point?

- What?
- Why have we gotta see something that young?

- Why...
- Because people can keep an eye

on the progress
of the baby in the womb.

Yeah, but why are they
printing it out and stuff?

Surely that's
for a doctor to see.

Well, that's just
an added bonus

for people who are
interested in such things.

That's like saying, "why do you
take pictures of anything?"

No, but what...
what I mean is, why...

At what point
are we gonna stop?

Are we gonna start sort of
x-raying the fella's testicles

and saying, "well, there it
is at a really young age."

- ( Ricky laughing )
- Where are we gonna stop?

It's just horses
for courses, isn't it?

Some people like to have a record
of their baby in the womb.

They like to show their baby.

They sit down and they show
the friends the slide show.

"That's the birth."
"Oh, that's the conception."

"Oh, look, Ron's going
a bit mad there, isn't he?"

But why do I need to see this?
This is what I'm saying.

It was an awkward situation
because she was happy with it.

I was like, "oh God."

You know what I mean?
It was an odd-looking thing.

I couldn't say,
"oh, it looks like you,"

because that would be a diss.

( Cackling )

Well, Rick, you're not
the only one who's been away.

I know you've been off working.

But I, at long last, have
taken a bit of leisure time.

- Go on.
- And uh... haha,

you've probably heard of the
Rio de Janeiro carnival...

Only one of the hottest,
you know, events

in the world calendar.

- ( Laughing ) Imagine me down there.
- Oh!

Rio, you can imagine,
did not know what hit it.

Oh, God almighty.
I imagine...

Were you like Paul
"the party animal" Parker?

He would not have been able
to keep up if he was with me.

God, what did you do?
What did get up to?

Oh, let me tell you right now.

Day one, I almost drowned.

Day two, I got a foot infection

and spent the day the hospital.

And the rest of the time
I had diarrhea.

( Laughing )

- Stephen: So that's...
- ( Farting, plopping )

That was a hell of a time.

- Carnival.
- Yeah yeah. I did...

I was able to watch
some of the carnival on tv

and it looked brilliant.
It looked amazing.

I didn't actually... it was
difficult to make out

because the tv wasn't
actually in my room.

Because in an effort
to save money,

I wasn't staying in a hotel.

I was staying with a bunch of
other people in some kind of...

like someone's flat
that they had let out.

And so I had to look...
I had to watch the tv...

It was like from my window
watching a neighbor's tv.

And of course when they changed
the channel, you know...

often during the juicy bits,
like continually.

And so... But it looked
really good.

I'm bunged up at the moment

just so I can get
through the show.

But I've just been
on a 12-hour flight,

and it is terrifying
being on a flight

when you know that at any
moment you could go because

the problem is sometimes the toilet
is free and sometimes it isn't.

You've gotta queue up.

And the worst bit is that half
an hour just before you land

when they say the toilets
are out of bounds now...

( cackling )

I tell you I went twice before
that in quick succession.

The woman sat
next to the toilet,

she didn't know
what was going on...

the noises and stuff in there.

- And I was... because I was really panicky...
- Ricky: Of course.

And so of course then
on the whole flight,

as we're landing, I'm really
petrified because I'm thinking

this could... and I had packed a
pair of underpants and jeans,

in my bag, in the holder,
just in case I went.

And I was really... because I hate
flying anyway and I hate landing.

It's the most terrifying
moment of the journey.

Then it really was rumbling

and I was thinking, "I've
gotta get out of here."

Of course you know when...
in a hurry everything...

suddenly everything
makes you angry.

The little old lady
in front of me

who's just hobbling along
off the gangplank...

"get out of my way!
" You know, just really... you know?

"With your bad hips
and your bad legs."

"Yeah, and your
zimmer frame."

"I know you've been through a
war, but get out of my way!"

And just anyone who could
have even passed you.

You're...
( Grunting )

And so I managed
to get there just in time.

Got into the toilet
and it all went off.

Man alive, it was...
it was grim.

But that was not anything compared
with the first couple days.

Because the first day,
I was... I went for a walk.

Ipanema beach is famous for just
the beautiful beautiful people

that gather there.

There's so many beautiful women
in Rio, it made me angry.

I was angry that these
women were so attractive

and that, you know, none of
them were even looking at me.

So but anyway, I'm on
the beach because...

I was shopping
and I needed a wee, right?

And we went for
a quick impromptu swim

and I thought,
"I'll wee in the sea."

Just think of him on this
beach, right, with diarrhea!

Well, I'm wearing
great big long shorts

because I'm not gonna try and
compete with these boys...

And you are...
can I say this...

the whitest man
I've ever met in my life.

I mean with his shirt off you can
see his heart like a newborn fish.

( Laughs )
Well, this is the thing.

As I went into the sea
to have a wee...

there was a discussion
about this.

"As I went into the sea
to have a wee."

Well see, there was
a discussion about this

because I'm very much
of the opinion

that you should take
your trunks down.

And some people, some of
my friends, are saying,

"just do it in your trunks and let
sea... the sea just wash it away."

What a hell of a carnival.

I'm against that.
I've always been against that...

against that in swimming
pools, everything, you know.

- So I... - No, I'm against pissing
in swimming pools full stop.

It doesn't matter
whether you do it

and take your trunks down or let...
Don't piss in the swimming pool.

- But what about in the sea?
- Well, fine, yeah.

- Fine, okay.
- Fish do it, so...

So anyway, so I'm in the sea

trying to urinate,
so I kneeled...

because I'm obviously very tall,
so it's tricky to get deep enough

for the water to mask
what you're up to.

So I tried to kneel down
in the water, right?

And I got the...
I got John Thomas out,

but then the water
swept out again

and just left me on the beach.

- ( Ricky cackling )
- So...

But luckily my back was to
everyone, so no one saw.

So, um... so I...

I can't think of a funnier
sight than Steve Merchant

on his knees, with his
little John Thomas out.

I don't know how big it is.
I've never seen it,

but I imagine
it's in proportion

to the rest of you, is it?

- No?
- I wish.

All I'll say is I've been
a little short-changed.

But, um...
so then I got up

and I waded
a bit deeper in, right?

And now I was sort of...
I was trying.

I got it out,
but what I didn't realize

is that the waves
just off the beach

are really just uncontrollable.

You never know
what's gonna happen.

So suddenly, I see
this giant wave

coming towards me,
crashing towards me.

And I've got my cock out
and everything, and it grabs...

this wave comes over me,
and lifts me up

and flips me up
in the water, right?

I'm floundering around.
I can't see anything

because of course I had to take
my glasses off to go in the sea.

( Cackling )
Ah, oh God!

- Because I didn't want to lose them.
- Oh God.

So I'm, like,
floundering around,

and I'm genuinely
getting scared

because as I tried
to get in to shore,

the wave just pulls me
back again.

- So I'm waving to my friends on the beach.
- Ricky: With everything.

But what I don't realize is that
because I'm not wearing my glasses,

I don't realize that I've been
dragged along the beach some way

and I'm not actually
waving to my friends.

So there's, like, a bunch of these
beautiful women on Ipanema beach

watching a pasty white man

waving with his cock out.

And what annoyed me was
my friends were laughing.

- And that really angers me.
- Steve, if I had been there, I would have burst.

Why wouldn't you
have come running?

Would you have come
running in to help me?

No, I couldn't have saved you

with your glasses off
and your knob out.

If I ever save you,
I want you to be

fully dressed
with your glasses on.

So you'd have just let me go?

That would have been what you'd
have said to my parents.

"He had his knob out
and his glasses off.

There was no way
I was gonna..."

I can't think
of a funnier sight.

- Oh.
- ( Theme music playing )

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