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Announcer: For the past few
years Ricky Gervais,
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00:00:17,723 --> 00:00:20,425
Stephen Merchant
and Karl Pilkington
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00:00:20,459 --> 00:00:22,427
have been meeting
regularly
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00:00:22,461 --> 00:00:24,562
for a series
of pointless conversations.
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This is one of them.
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- Testing.
- Is that all right?
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( Dings )
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Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"
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with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
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- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon
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that is Karl Pilkington.
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Hi.
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( Theme music playing )
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Now everyone knows
over the past few years,
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my big pet project
hasn't been my own career;
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it's been
get Karl famous.
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- Yeah. - I want people to
recognize him in the street,
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come up to him and say,
"you bald-headed manc twat."
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Well, let me
tell you now, Rick,
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I've been out and about, and a lot of
people have come up to me and said,
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"has Karl Pilkington got
a head like a fucking orange?"
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And I've had to instantly
confirm the answer to be yes.
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But he's had a call.
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He had a call recently
from a film company
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asking him if he's got
any ideas for movies.
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Now how desperate...
in what dire straits
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must the British
film industry be
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that they're going,
"we need Karl Pilkington.
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We have hit
rock bottom,"
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and he went along
for an interview?
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So what?
And you went in, and you...
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I went along and, um,
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had a meeting.
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And they just said, "right, you know."
"Got any ideas?"
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And so I says, you know,
"what are you thinking?
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What sort of thing
are you after?
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Are you after action,
thriller, whatever?"
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Because you can
provide any of that.
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I love that he's
playing it cool,
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like, "you've come
to the right person.
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- My time's precious. What do you need?"
- Yeah.
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"Yeah, I'm Karl Pilkington,
the movie doctor.
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What do you need, papa?"
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So I thought of this idea
sort of on the spot.
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Good, punny.
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No, but sometimes that's how
good ideas come up, don't they?
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- Yeah.
- Just random.
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It's how a lot of yours
have come up, yeah.
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No, but if you just talk,
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I find that your mouth
comes out with stuff.
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( Cackles )
Right, there's another quote.
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- Right.
- There is another quote.
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"If you talk, your mouth
comes out with stuff."
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That to me stands along with "what were
those things in 'gremlins' called?"
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No, but what I mean...
if you sit there
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and try and use
your brain to do it...
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- Ricky: Right.
- ...It doesn't work the same.
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Just keep talking.
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Just keep your mouth talking
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and eventually it will come out
with something pretty good.
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That is exactly
what Plato said...
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- So anyway...
-...To Aristotle.
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He said, "sit down.
I've got an idea for you."
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Aristotle said,
"Plato, how do I do it?"
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"Right, just keep talking
and eventually
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your brain will come out
with stuff."
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So what I thought... I just
started off by saying,
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like, actors' names and that
who I thought should be in it,
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'cause then that's giving
more... it's building.
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- Right. - Okay, who did you say?
Who did you say?
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So I said,
"right, I'm seeing...
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Clive Warren."
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( Cackles ) Who the
fuck's Clive Warren?
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- Who's Clive Warren?
- The one who was in "Closer."
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- Ricky: Clive Owen.
- Stephen: Clive Owen.
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Right, all right.
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Did they look at you
like you're a fucking idiot?
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So they all start
trying to figure out,
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"who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about?
He must be amazing."
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"Yeah, Clive Warren." "Get me
Clive Warren on the phone."
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- "Get me Clive Warren."
- And I said, "Rebecca de Mornay," right?
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( Laughing )
Where did that come from?
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She hasn't been in a film
for 15 years, has she?
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Clive Warren
and Rebecca de Mornay.
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They thought
he was a genius!
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They've never thought
of putting Clive Warren
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with Rebecca de Mornay.
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But hang on a minute.
You could have...
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You could have any film star...
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This is your fantasy casting...
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and you choose a bloke
who doesn't exist
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and a woman who hasn't been on
TV or in a film for 10 years?
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( Laughing ) Oh God!
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- Why didn't you choose, you know...
- Someone who existed?
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- ...J-Lo or someone who's a big star?
- Oh God.
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( Laughing ) Clive Warren.
Oh God!
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- Oh God.
- So anyway, it starts off,
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and the people... you know,
you see into their lives
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from right
in the morning.
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So it's like a nice sunny day.
The radio is on.
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They're going about the day,
having their breakfast.
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They're saying,
"what we doing tonight?"
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And you think, "oh,
they've got a nice life."
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She's like, "love you,"
and all that, yeah?
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- He walks out of the house, gets
hit by a bus. - ( Horn blares )
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- Stephen: Oh.
- Karl: So Clive Warren's dead.
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I don't know if Clive Warren
would take that part.
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'Cause he ain't got
much to do, has he?
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- No. If I know Clive Warren...
- And I think you do.
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I think I do.
Carry on.
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So he's hit by a bus,
so he's dead.
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- So he's hit by a bus and that.
- ( Horn blares )
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- The titles come up. It's got you, right?
- Ricky: Oh yeah.
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- "Starring Clive Warren."
- Karl: She's fed up.
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She's devastated
and that.
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Um, the doctor says,
"Clive's dead."
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Who's playing the doctor?
Jack Nicholsonhouse?
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Um, sort of. What's that fella
who was in "Independence Day"?
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- Stephen: Um, Will Smith?
- Karl: No, the old... the old black fella.
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- Stephen: Morgan Freeman.
- Karl: Yeah.
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- Get him in.
- Morgan Freeman, yeah.
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He says,
"your husband's dead."
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She's like, "oh God."
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What happens then is...
he says, "but listen.
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What we can do now...
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We can take
the brain out..."
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- Stephen: Right.
- Right.
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And a fact that I'd read that
day before the meeting...
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00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:02,643
and this isn't in the
film though; this is me.
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00:05:02,711 --> 00:05:04,412
Right, but luckily
you had read the fact.
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00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,248
I read a thing about how the brain
can... it can run on half of it.
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00:05:07,316 --> 00:05:09,517
- You've actually got a full brain.
- Some of us have.
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00:05:09,585 --> 00:05:12,954
- So this was in my mind still.
- Well, half your mind, yeah.
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So I said, "what happens
is Morgan Freeman says,
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00:05:16,091 --> 00:05:18,025
'been working on this.
You can run...
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00:05:18,093 --> 00:05:20,428
- You can run your life on half a brain.'"
- Stephen: Right.
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She's sort of a bit like, "what
are you telling me this for now?
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My husband's just died,
like, 20 minutes ago."
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And he goes, "yeah, but if we're gonna
do this, we've got to act quick."
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She's like, "do what?"
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He says, "whilst his
brain's not fully dead..."
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'cause it stays awake
for a bit when you get killed.
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- Ricky: Oh, he's not dead then. Fine.
- ( Heart monitor beeps )
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- Karl: No no, yeah, he is, but they found out...
- ( Flatlines )
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...That it stays awake
a little bit...
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- Ricky: No no no.
- Stephen: No, he's gone.
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- He's been hit by a bus.
- Yeah, no, he's dead.
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If the brain's dead,
you are dead.
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- Stephen: Clive Warren's dead.
- ( Flatlines )
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If the brain's not dead,
you're not dead.
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It's like people in a coma...
They're dead, aren't they?
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- Ricky: No no.
- Stephen: They're only in a coma.
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- Ricky: They come out of comas, don't they?
- All right, he's in a coma.
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He's been hit by the bus,
but the chances are
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00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,233
he's not gonna come out of that coma,
but his brain is still awake.
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So change that.
That's easily done.
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00:06:02,371 --> 00:06:03,704
Hold on though.
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I like this fact
that he's in a coma,
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so they're going, "look, he's
definitely gonna die in this coma.
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00:06:08,677 --> 00:06:11,212
Take the brain out now.
Pop the brain out."
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00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,813
But why is that
such a weird thing
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when that's what they do now?
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- That's what they do now.
- What is?
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- That's what they do.
- What?
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- They do that.
- What?!
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What, a brain transplant?
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No, but when, like...
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How I've signed
that donor card.
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- If anything happens to me...
- No no no no.
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00:06:27,663 --> 00:06:30,064
There's no such thing
as a brain donor.
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We've explained to you before.
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Yeah, but they're
working on it.
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They've said something
about Einstein.
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They messed about
with his brain for ages
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trying to work out
if it was full of stuff.
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That's what they're doing.
They're working on that.
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There's loads of things that doctors
are doing that we don't know about.
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I've seen some weird
stuff on the Internet.
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Yeah, I know you have, yeah.
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I saw a program on Channel 5
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where a monkey brain
was still alive,
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and it was stuck
on a stick.
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00:06:51,820 --> 00:06:53,588
- ( Cackling )
- And they...
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00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,489
You were watching
the "Magic Roundabout."
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- Karl: They poked it and it reacted.
- ( Brain gibbering )
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00:06:57,392 --> 00:06:59,226
- Ricky: Right.
- Karl: So it's still alive.
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00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,829
It's being kept alive and
it's only a matter of time.
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00:07:01,897 --> 00:07:03,931
What's the brain linked up to?
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00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:07,535
As long as you can link it
up to the eyes and somehow...
190
00:07:07,603 --> 00:07:10,371
So it can tell the arms and legs
what to do, you're laughing.
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00:07:10,439 --> 00:07:11,539
I love that.
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00:07:11,607 --> 00:07:13,741
Imagine a team
full of a doctors going,
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00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:15,743
"well, we're gonna try
new brains out on Karl.
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00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:17,912
As long as you can
link this up to the eyes
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00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,880
and tell the arms and legs
what to do, we're laughing.
196
00:07:19,948 --> 00:07:22,717
- Cheers, Karl. See you later."
- ( Stephen laughs )
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00:07:22,784 --> 00:07:25,653
Then what happens
is they say,
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00:07:25,721 --> 00:07:29,323
"do you want half of his
brain in your head?"
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00:07:29,391 --> 00:07:30,992
Half of his brain
in her head?
200
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:33,427
She says, "definitely not.
I'm having you struck off."
201
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:34,962
- ( Siren blares )
- Ricky: She starts screaming.
202
00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,764
She calls the police.
He gets arrested.
203
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:38,099
Yeah, but you'd have
said that years ago
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00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,800
when people can have
someone else's arm
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00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:41,502
put on their body and stuff.
206
00:07:41,570 --> 00:07:43,437
- ( Snickers )
- Yeah, but he's only in a coma.
207
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:46,007
- Yeah. - No, but he's not
gonna come out of that coma.
208
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,875
So it's like this or nothing.
209
00:07:47,943 --> 00:07:49,944
He's like, "look, you know,
what we're gonna do here...
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00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,445
We can either
turn the switch off
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00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,014
or we can put his head
in your head."
212
00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:55,049
- But why would you...
- So what they do then...
213
00:07:55,117 --> 00:07:57,451
- They're gonna take half his brain.
- Karl: Half of his brain.
214
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,920
Take out half of hers,
pop it in place.
215
00:07:59,988 --> 00:08:02,556
- Why would she do that?
- Because she loves him.
216
00:08:02,624 --> 00:08:04,558
But hold on. Well, no no.
Wait wait wait wait.
217
00:08:04,626 --> 00:08:07,294
- What would she then be?
- Because this is what I'm trying to tell you.
218
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:10,631
- Okay okay, sorry. - What happens
is he explains all this to her.
219
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,466
This would probably
cover about 20 minutes
220
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,968
in the film,
but I'm just rushing.
221
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:15,202
I just switched off, but yeah.
222
00:08:15,270 --> 00:08:16,904
No, you wouldn't.
This bit would have you.
223
00:08:16,972 --> 00:08:18,506
- So what...
- But I'd have actually left when I...
224
00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:19,740
I wouldn't even have
gone in to see a film
225
00:08:19,808 --> 00:08:21,742
starring Clive Warren
and Rebecca de Mornay...
226
00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:24,512
- ( Ricky laughing )
- ...Unless it was 1985.
227
00:08:24,579 --> 00:08:28,249
So the thing is
she's the same as you.
228
00:08:28,316 --> 00:08:31,152
She says the same thing. She goes,
"why would I do that, doctor?"
229
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:35,222
And he goes, "well, what
will happen is he's gone,
230
00:08:35,290 --> 00:08:38,125
but you'll have
his thoughts.
231
00:08:38,193 --> 00:08:39,894
So in the morning
when you say,
232
00:08:39,961 --> 00:08:42,096
'oh I don't know what to have.
Will I have cornflakes?'
233
00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:44,131
- his bit of the brain will sort of say..."
- Stephen: Have weetabix.
234
00:08:44,199 --> 00:08:45,766
..."'Have shredded wheat
or whatever.'"
235
00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:48,002
- and she's like, "oh yeah, good idea."
- Sorry.
236
00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:49,804
Sorry, so the point
of this film
237
00:08:49,871 --> 00:08:53,007
is the... the dead man
can remind her
238
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,675
what breakfast cereal
she likes?
239
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,410
- Yeah. So the thought...
- Ricky: What do you mean yes?
240
00:08:56,478 --> 00:08:57,611
So that's it, is it?
241
00:08:57,679 --> 00:08:58,946
No no no no, that's not
the only thing.
242
00:08:59,014 --> 00:09:01,182
Ooh, wait a minute.
This is only act one.
243
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,184
That's just the first bit.
Everything's going well. She has it done.
244
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,453
So what is... Who is she?
Is she herself?
245
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:06,687
She's Rebecca de Mornay,
246
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,690
but now with him
chipping in
247
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:11,492
with a bit of voiceover.
248
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:12,727
So the idea is
it's all going well
249
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:13,828
at the beginning, and she's...
250
00:09:13,895 --> 00:09:15,696
So she can't decide
what to wear?
251
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:19,767
So she's had half of her brain
taken out and put in a bin, okay,
252
00:09:19,835 --> 00:09:23,571
and Clive Warren's half
has been put in there.
253
00:09:23,638 --> 00:09:25,873
So now she's
walking around, okay.
254
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:27,708
So she's like a schizophrenic.
255
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,210
No, like I say,
the brain is alive.
256
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,278
So it's all going well
when she leaves hospital.
257
00:09:31,346 --> 00:09:33,114
And she gets
the first taste of it,
258
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:35,516
and it's a bit weird to get
ahold of 'cause she's sort of...
259
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:37,418
I think when she signs
herself out,
260
00:09:37,486 --> 00:09:40,421
he's sort of fighting,
writing his name and stuff.
261
00:09:40,489 --> 00:09:43,891
So there's a few sort of technical
things that she has get used to.
262
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:47,328
- And does Clive's brain know he's now
inside her brain? - What does he think?
263
00:09:47,395 --> 00:09:49,463
Um...
264
00:09:51,066 --> 00:09:52,600
Does that matter?
265
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,335
- Well, I would say it matters...
- Yes.
266
00:09:54,402 --> 00:09:57,004
-...Because otherwise he...
- Yes, it does matter, Karl.
267
00:09:57,072 --> 00:09:59,140
What's...
what's he thinking?
268
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:00,641
What's the point of this?
269
00:10:00,709 --> 00:10:02,543
Why has she gone along
with this?
270
00:10:02,611 --> 00:10:03,878
Because she really loves him.
271
00:10:03,945 --> 00:10:05,846
But what's in it for him?
What does she think...
272
00:10:05,914 --> 00:10:08,315
Well, say if I died
and Suzanne said,
273
00:10:08,383 --> 00:10:10,651
"go on, I'll have
half of Karl's," right?
274
00:10:10,719 --> 00:10:12,153
She would wake up
in the morning
275
00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:13,821
to a thought of me
sort of going,
276
00:10:13,889 --> 00:10:16,023
"you'll never guess what
I've just thought about."
277
00:10:16,091 --> 00:10:17,391
I'd still be there.
278
00:10:17,459 --> 00:10:19,460
The rest of your body
is sort of waste, isn't it?
279
00:10:19,528 --> 00:10:22,329
- But, Karl...
- "The rest of your body is sort of waste"?
280
00:10:22,397 --> 00:10:23,998
No, it is kind of.
281
00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:26,300
When someone dies, it's not
that person anymore, is it?
282
00:10:26,368 --> 00:10:27,668
You can't have
a chat with them.
283
00:10:27,736 --> 00:10:29,737
So if you could have
someone's brain in your head
284
00:10:29,805 --> 00:10:31,305
when they're dead, you'd
have it, wouldn't you?
285
00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:33,040
What are you talking about?
286
00:10:33,108 --> 00:10:35,576
Why would I have someone's brain
in my head when they're dead?
287
00:10:35,644 --> 00:10:37,278
I've got a perfectly
good brain.
288
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,280
So you're telling me you
wouldn't have it done then?
289
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,781
( Stammering )
290
00:10:40,816 --> 00:10:42,449
Of course I fucking wouldn't!
291
00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,652
I can also categorically
state I wouldn't either.
292
00:10:44,719 --> 00:10:46,754
You're saying that now, but
once you're in that position,
293
00:10:46,822 --> 00:10:49,156
that someone who you love
and that dies...
294
00:10:49,224 --> 00:10:50,825
if the doctor said,
"do you want it?"
295
00:10:50,892 --> 00:10:52,960
No!
I'd go "no!"
296
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,995
It's madness!
It's madness!
297
00:10:55,063 --> 00:10:56,497
All right,
all right, all right.
298
00:10:56,565 --> 00:10:57,965
So tell me a typical
bit of dialogue.
299
00:10:57,999 --> 00:11:00,668
Um, well, we've done
the breakfast scene.
300
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:03,070
That was dynamite.
That's fucking Oscar-winning.
301
00:11:03,138 --> 00:11:04,672
Yeah, can we do lunch?
( Munches )
302
00:11:04,739 --> 00:11:06,674
Then maybe, like,
at the funeral...
303
00:11:06,741 --> 00:11:09,109
because even though the brain's still
alive, they still have the funeral,
304
00:11:09,177 --> 00:11:10,444
and you can have,
like, a funny bit
305
00:11:10,512 --> 00:11:12,413
where they stood
around the grave
306
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,082
and, like, there's some relation
there who he doesn't like.
307
00:11:15,150 --> 00:11:18,152
And she can start laughing, and the family
looking at her, going, "why is she laughing?"
308
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,688
She's laughing and he's saying something
rude, going, "look at her head."
309
00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:23,190
- Do you know what I mean?
- "Looks like a fuckin' orange."
310
00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:24,859
A little cameo for you.
311
00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:27,528
( Laughing ) Yeah.
312
00:11:27,596 --> 00:11:30,364
And so you have all that and people
are liking the film, thinking,
313
00:11:30,432 --> 00:11:32,666
"oh, it's quite funny this."
And then you hit them hard.
314
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:34,401
It's the most...
315
00:11:34,469 --> 00:11:38,205
it is the most ludicrous idea
for a film I've ever heard!
316
00:11:38,273 --> 00:11:40,207
It's the maddest!
317
00:11:40,275 --> 00:11:44,111
Honestly, it really is the
ramblings of a mental case.
318
00:11:44,179 --> 00:11:46,046
I have to say though
I am hooked now.
319
00:11:46,114 --> 00:11:48,215
I want to know what's gonna
happen next in the story.
320
00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:52,887
Then what happens is
she hears the voice go,
321
00:11:52,954 --> 00:11:54,889
"Leslie, where are you?"
322
00:11:54,956 --> 00:11:56,423
- Or something.
- Right.
323
00:11:56,491 --> 00:11:58,225
- Her name's not Leslie.
- No?
324
00:11:58,293 --> 00:11:59,860
She's thinking,
"who's Leslie?"
325
00:11:59,895 --> 00:12:02,496
So in her mind she's going,
"who's Leslie?"
326
00:12:02,564 --> 00:12:04,164
He's going, "oh."
327
00:12:04,232 --> 00:12:06,533
So he's thought, "hang on,
I've let something slip here."
328
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,068
- So she's going, "answer me."
- Ricky: Oh!
329
00:12:08,136 --> 00:12:10,471
- Karl: And he goes quiet on her.
- Oh!
330
00:12:10,538 --> 00:12:13,507
- Karl: So...
- He was having an affair.
331
00:12:13,575 --> 00:12:14,708
This is...
this is the thing.
332
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:16,243
So she's trying to hunt down...
333
00:12:16,311 --> 00:12:17,444
- Leslie.
- ...Leslie.
334
00:12:17,512 --> 00:12:18,979
And he's gotta stop
her thinking it.
335
00:12:19,047 --> 00:12:21,215
- Then what happens is, I mean, you know...
- "Weetabix!"
336
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:22,583
So he's gotta hunt down Leslie?
337
00:12:22,651 --> 00:12:25,052
So he's gotta... she's gotta
hunt down Leslie.
338
00:12:25,086 --> 00:12:27,521
- Stephen: It's a woman, is it?
- Karl: It's another woman.
339
00:12:27,589 --> 00:12:30,591
But what happens is... I mean, without
ruining the end for everyone,
340
00:12:30,659 --> 00:12:32,092
what would sort of happen is...
341
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,061
Oh yeah, 'cause we don't
wanna ruin it for 'em.
342
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:37,164
This'll be filling the
multiplexes in no time.
343
00:12:37,232 --> 00:12:40,134
It's the greatest love story
ever told set in a head.
344
00:12:40,201 --> 00:12:41,735
- But listen...
- Hang on a sec there, Karl.
345
00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:42,836
You've got to tell us the end.
346
00:12:42,904 --> 00:12:44,171
I don't think
you can let people...
347
00:12:44,239 --> 00:12:45,706
Come on, what's the end?
348
00:12:45,774 --> 00:12:48,742
- Just let your mouth talk.
- Right, so what I said was,
349
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:52,079
"maybe what happens
is his brain
350
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:53,914
is more powerful
than hers."
351
00:12:53,949 --> 00:12:56,550
Right. How it's...
How is there power?
352
00:12:56,618 --> 00:12:58,585
I don't... Why is there
now power involved?
353
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:01,021
What I mean is her brain was
running the rest of her body.
354
00:13:01,089 --> 00:13:03,090
- Stephen: Mm, now he's taking over.
- Karl: His brain...
355
00:13:03,124 --> 00:13:05,726
that gets more powerful
and overrules her body.
356
00:13:05,794 --> 00:13:07,127
- Stephen: Okay.
- Ricky: Yeah.
357
00:13:07,195 --> 00:13:10,564
She then fancies Leslie.
358
00:13:10,632 --> 00:13:12,599
- So hold on.
- So it's a lesbian film.
359
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:14,868
This is building up
to a lesbian love...
360
00:13:14,936 --> 00:13:17,371
- ( stammers ) So what the... What?
- It's trendy, isn't it, that?
361
00:13:17,439 --> 00:13:19,640
- So just have a bit of that at the
end and... - Ricky: So hold on.
362
00:13:19,708 --> 00:13:22,576
So he overpowers her,
363
00:13:22,644 --> 00:13:25,079
so she is now a lesbian.
364
00:13:25,146 --> 00:13:26,613
What's Leslie getting
out of this?
365
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,082
Why does Leslie think,
"hold on,
366
00:13:28,149 --> 00:13:30,684
why is my dead lover's wife
coming on to me?"
367
00:13:30,752 --> 00:13:32,519
Because... this is what
I'm saying to you.
368
00:13:32,587 --> 00:13:35,456
It's... relationships...
369
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,858
Is the love of two brains.
370
00:13:37,926 --> 00:13:40,127
Right, okay. Again,
can anyone out there...
371
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,996
Can we make that into...
That's a quote.
372
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,465
"Relationships is
a love of two brains."
373
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:45,966
Now he's got something there.
374
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,334
He's got
something there.
375
00:13:47,402 --> 00:13:49,103
But my point is this.
376
00:13:49,170 --> 00:13:51,238
Why has Leslie
suddenly turned lesbian?
377
00:13:51,306 --> 00:13:52,840
Because she loves
the brain.
378
00:13:52,907 --> 00:13:54,708
But does she know
this is Clive Warren?
379
00:13:54,776 --> 00:13:56,810
Rebecca will say
something now and again
380
00:13:56,878 --> 00:14:00,080
like, "oh, I like my..."
381
00:14:00,115 --> 00:14:02,483
- Minge.
- ( Laughs )
382
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,485
"I like my food done
like this," or whatever.
383
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:08,322
- And it's all about...
- "Cooked... I love my food cooked."
384
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,524
"Wait a minute, Clive Warren
loved his food cooked."
385
00:14:10,592 --> 00:14:12,126
"Yeah, I'm in two minds
about this bacon."
386
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,894
"I'm gonna turn
into a lesbian."
387
00:14:13,962 --> 00:14:15,496
- Karl: People...
- Ricky: "Shredded wheat."
388
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:18,098
People like
what they like.
389
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:20,034
And it's the same way
like I've said to you before
390
00:14:20,101 --> 00:14:23,504
with someone who's been
going out with a woman
391
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:27,074
and then he's found out
that she's got a twin sister.
392
00:14:27,142 --> 00:14:30,144
And they divorce that first twin
and go out with the other twin.
393
00:14:30,211 --> 00:14:32,346
It's all the same.
You're after the same thing, aren't you?
394
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,882
- Yes, but that...
- When a cat dies, you buy another one.
395
00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:37,384
It's the same thing.
You want that same love...
396
00:14:37,452 --> 00:14:40,054
Yeah, but you don't necessarily
switch your sexual orientation.
397
00:14:40,121 --> 00:14:43,157
In the case of your twin scenario,
they both look the same.
398
00:14:43,224 --> 00:14:46,493
Yeah. Has there ever been one
where it's a twin boy and girl?
399
00:14:46,561 --> 00:14:49,530
"Well, I was going out with her, but
I mean he looks a bit like her."
400
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,131
"I loved boobs.
Now I like cock."
401
00:14:51,199 --> 00:14:53,267
This is your problem...
You don't know anything.
402
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:55,436
And this theory about if
your mouth talks enough,
403
00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:58,238
the brain'll kick in
soon... It hasn't.
404
00:15:00,875 --> 00:15:03,677
Oh, chimpanzee that...
He's written it down again!
405
00:15:03,745 --> 00:15:07,347
- ( Monkey gibbers )
- ( Music playing )
406
00:15:07,415 --> 00:15:10,851
Extracts from his famous diary.
407
00:15:10,919 --> 00:15:13,587
"Box jellyfish,
crocodiles, snakes,
408
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:15,689
blue ring octopus,
red black spiders,
409
00:15:15,757 --> 00:15:17,758
funnel web spiders,
great white sharks...
410
00:15:17,826 --> 00:15:20,627
Just some of the reasons that put
me off going to Australia."
411
00:15:20,695 --> 00:15:23,931
( Cackling )
412
00:15:23,998 --> 00:15:26,333
"Every creature is
bigger and angrier
413
00:15:26,401 --> 00:15:28,402
than anywhere else
on the world.
414
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:29,937
I put it down to two things...
415
00:15:30,004 --> 00:15:32,439
One, it could either be
because spiders and snakes
416
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:34,274
and the like normally
hide under rocks.
417
00:15:34,342 --> 00:15:36,143
The earth
is one big rock.
418
00:15:36,211 --> 00:15:38,045
Australia's at the bottom
of the big rock
419
00:15:38,079 --> 00:15:41,115
and they're trying
to hide under it."
420
00:15:41,182 --> 00:15:43,317
( Cackling )
Karl, you are a maniac!
421
00:15:43,384 --> 00:15:44,818
I was just thinking about it...
422
00:15:44,886 --> 00:15:47,020
thinking about where
spiders go and that.
423
00:15:47,088 --> 00:15:49,056
- And that works, doesn't it?
- No!
424
00:15:49,124 --> 00:15:50,557
Why doesn't that work
like a rock?
425
00:15:50,625 --> 00:15:51,925
'Cause there's
no real upside down
426
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,227
and bottom of the earth, is it?
427
00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:54,728
It's all relative to what?
428
00:15:54,796 --> 00:15:56,830
It's relative to what?
A map that you saw.
429
00:15:56,898 --> 00:15:59,900
- Well, it's a coincidence, isn't it?
- Okay, read on.
430
00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:01,702
"I've heard that
a lot of people
431
00:16:01,769 --> 00:16:04,404
go camping in Australia,
which I think's mental.
432
00:16:04,472 --> 00:16:06,807
If I was to fly all that way,
I'd want a decent bed.
433
00:16:06,875 --> 00:16:08,242
Plus I wouldn't be
camping in a place
434
00:16:08,276 --> 00:16:10,144
where there are killer
spiders wandering around."
435
00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:12,346
- I agree.
- "I've only been camping a few times,
436
00:16:12,413 --> 00:16:14,114
and each time I was glad
when it was over.
437
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:17,151
- The last time was last year in Lyme Regis."
- Yeah.
438
00:16:17,218 --> 00:16:19,953
- When'd you go camping in Lyme Regis?
- Last year.
439
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,655
It's all right, Lyme Regis.
440
00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:24,358
But it was all a bit of a nightmare
'cause I was going with my mate
441
00:16:24,425 --> 00:16:28,562
and he said he knew
someone who knew someone
442
00:16:28,630 --> 00:16:31,031
who had a bit of land
in the garden.
443
00:16:31,099 --> 00:16:32,733
Who had a bit of land
in the garden?
444
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,101
What's the point,
though, in it?
445
00:16:34,169 --> 00:16:35,836
What's the point of camping
in someone's garden
446
00:16:35,904 --> 00:16:38,372
where there's a spa
down the road and a pub?
447
00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:39,907
No, because you're
by the sea, aren't ya?
448
00:16:39,974 --> 00:16:41,708
It's getting away from it
all, seeing the world.
449
00:16:41,776 --> 00:16:43,944
It's not if you're
in someone's front garden.
450
00:16:43,978 --> 00:16:46,346
- No, back.
- Oh sorry.
451
00:16:46,414 --> 00:16:48,348
Well, there's even less to
see except three fences.
452
00:16:48,416 --> 00:16:49,850
No, but it's private, isn't it?
453
00:16:49,918 --> 00:16:52,553
So the thing is he said,
"oh, it's a great garden.
454
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,055
The owners are away
and there's a toilet...
455
00:16:55,123 --> 00:16:56,790
an outside toilet
that they have for...
456
00:16:56,858 --> 00:16:58,659
like when they have
parties and stuff."
457
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:02,029
So we get there and this lad who
knew about this bit of land...
458
00:17:02,096 --> 00:17:03,764
- Someone's back garden?
- Well, yeah.
459
00:17:03,831 --> 00:17:06,767
... Said, "oh, you can't use it.
They haven't gone on holiday."
460
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:08,435
So now you're stuck
in the middle
461
00:17:08,503 --> 00:17:10,804
of a big civilized conurbation
called Lyme Regis.
462
00:17:10,838 --> 00:17:12,573
- How are you gonna survive?
- ( Laughing )
463
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,975
Well, we ended up just sort
of keeping on the beach.
464
00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:16,643
Did you pitch your tent
on the beach?
465
00:17:16,711 --> 00:17:18,111
Put the tent on the beach.
466
00:17:18,179 --> 00:17:20,047
We found somewhere where
there was a load of rubbish.
467
00:17:20,114 --> 00:17:21,782
- Ricky: Oh, nice.
- Stephen: That's the place to go, yeah.
468
00:17:21,849 --> 00:17:23,717
- A municipal tip.
- Ricky: What was it?
469
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:25,385
- Was it chemical waste or just
like, you know... - ( Sizzles )
470
00:17:25,453 --> 00:17:27,020
No, just coke cans
and stuff.
471
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,889
- Was it just syringes and baby diapers?
- Oh, lovely.
472
00:17:28,957 --> 00:17:30,524
- You've got to think about that.
- Was some of it rusty?
473
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,059
If there's
rubbish there,
474
00:17:32,126 --> 00:17:33,860
- it means it was a good place to camp.
- ( Screams )
475
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:36,530
- Both: Why?
- 'Cause other people have camped there.
476
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,799
- Right.
- So that's how you've gotta look at it.
477
00:17:38,866 --> 00:17:41,401
It's like... it's a way...
that's like a little tip of...
478
00:17:41,469 --> 00:17:43,904
- so you could have slept
in a public lavatory? - Yeah yeah.
479
00:17:43,972 --> 00:17:45,205
"This one's nice."
"Why?"
480
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,540
"It's covered in shit.
481
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,609
It means other people
have had a shit here."
482
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,110
"Welcome to our
five-star hotel.
483
00:17:50,178 --> 00:17:52,145
You'll notice vomit
all over the fucking walls."
484
00:17:52,213 --> 00:17:53,714
"That means people
had a good time here.
485
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,083
They got right pissed up
and threw their lungs up."
486
00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:58,652
( Laughing )
487
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,320
So that's where
we put down the tent.
488
00:18:00,388 --> 00:18:02,656
We put down the tent there.
489
00:18:02,724 --> 00:18:04,992
- And then what was annoying is...
- He puts down a tent.
490
00:18:05,059 --> 00:18:06,927
- We... what's her name?
- It was already up.
491
00:18:06,995 --> 00:18:08,562
He carried it
all the way from London.
492
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:10,364
- They went, "let's pack it down."
- Yeah.
493
00:18:10,431 --> 00:18:13,800
The weird thing was
as soon as we set up,
494
00:18:13,868 --> 00:18:15,102
some other people
turned up.
495
00:18:15,169 --> 00:18:16,603
Oh, next to
the rubbish tip.
496
00:18:16,671 --> 00:18:18,739
( Stephen and Ricky
laughing )
497
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:20,507
Holidaymakers, they...
498
00:18:20,575 --> 00:18:22,776
They started setting up their
tents and we're like, aw.
499
00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:24,778
"No! Near... Look, there's
some nappies over there.
500
00:18:24,846 --> 00:18:26,713
Move nearer
the nappies."
501
00:18:26,781 --> 00:18:30,250
- Karl: And they offered us some sausages.
- Ricky: All right.
502
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:31,752
My mate said, "oh, ignore 'em.
503
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,588
That's, like, code
for swingers."
504
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:36,723
- What?
- No!
505
00:18:36,791 --> 00:18:39,860
- So there were some people cooking some sausages...
- Ricky: Yeah.
506
00:18:39,927 --> 00:18:41,928
...Saying, "would you like some sausages?
We've made too much."
507
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:43,330
And you said, "no, that's
code for swinging"?
508
00:18:43,398 --> 00:18:44,564
Karl: Don't talk
to strangers.
509
00:18:44,632 --> 00:18:46,400
It's like we wanna
get away from it all.
510
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:48,335
We don't want someone...
511
00:18:48,403 --> 00:18:50,604
You know, it starts off
with sausages, doesn't it?
512
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:53,140
- And before you know it...
- But what did these people look like?
513
00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:55,142
- They were about 45.
- Who were they though?
514
00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:57,277
- A man and a woman.
- A man and a woman.
515
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,546
So what was in it
for the bloke?
516
00:18:59,614 --> 00:19:02,516
Uh, some people
like that, don't they?
517
00:19:02,583 --> 00:19:05,485
I mean did he say, "right,
I want the bald one, love"?
518
00:19:05,553 --> 00:19:07,721
If it's like
wife swapping,
519
00:19:07,789 --> 00:19:10,724
shouldn't one of you be a wife?
520
00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:13,260
No, but I don't... I don't
know all the rules and that.
521
00:19:13,328 --> 00:19:15,862
- But, uh... - He's just got
a real thing for fuckin' oranges.
522
00:19:15,930 --> 00:19:17,864
And we didn't want
any sausages anyway.
523
00:19:17,932 --> 00:19:20,867
- So we just sort of... - I don't believe
sausages is a code for swingers,
524
00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:23,503
'cause eventually... How many times
did they give someone sausages
525
00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:24,671
and then go,
"get your pants off then"?
526
00:19:24,739 --> 00:19:25,872
"What? We just wanted
some sausages."
527
00:19:25,940 --> 00:19:27,874
"This isn't working,
this code.
528
00:19:27,942 --> 00:19:30,377
- We need a better code."
- Why would we be being offered sausages?
529
00:19:30,445 --> 00:19:32,946
Because they're nice people
and they're making sausages.
530
00:19:33,014 --> 00:19:34,247
Yeah.
Makes you wonder.
531
00:19:34,315 --> 00:19:36,049
"We don't... Let's not
trust these people.
532
00:19:36,117 --> 00:19:37,751
Let's move our tent
nearer to the corpse."
533
00:19:37,819 --> 00:19:40,487
( Cackling )
534
00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:43,023
So... so, yeah,
that was the camping.
535
00:19:43,091 --> 00:19:45,292
- ( Ricky sighs )
- "September 30th.
536
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,227
Going away with Suzanne's
mom and dad.
537
00:19:47,295 --> 00:19:48,895
We're meeting them
at Madeira airport
538
00:19:48,963 --> 00:19:50,797
as they're flying in
from Manchester.
539
00:19:50,865 --> 00:19:52,466
- The plane was full and I had a headache."
- ( P.A. Chimes )
540
00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:53,967
- ( Crying )
- "There was a baby sat behind us
541
00:19:54,035 --> 00:19:56,069
that was crying its eyes out
for the whole flight.
542
00:19:56,137 --> 00:19:58,705
The mother of it said it was upset
'cause its ears were hurting.
543
00:19:58,773 --> 00:20:01,575
- So were mine."
- ( Ricky cackling )
544
00:20:09,217 --> 00:20:12,652
Oh God! Oh.
545
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,321
"We went to try
and find a supermarket.
546
00:20:14,355 --> 00:20:16,056
Suzanne's mom was having
a go at her dad
547
00:20:16,124 --> 00:20:17,991
'cause he didn't
have a shirt on.
548
00:20:18,025 --> 00:20:20,660
She said he looks a mess and is
embarrassed to be seen with him.
549
00:20:20,695 --> 00:20:22,295
It's their Ruby
anniversary tomorrow."
550
00:20:22,363 --> 00:20:27,033
( Laughing )
551
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,369
- That's why we went away.
- Ricky: Oh yeah.
552
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:32,372
"I bought a fan to put in our room to
drown out the sound of the mopeds.
553
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,008
I've heard Wayne Rooney does the
same thing with a vacuum cleaner."
554
00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:39,012
- What? - If you've just got
a noise that's constant,
555
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,149
it makes you nod off
and it drowns out
556
00:20:42,216 --> 00:20:43,683
every other
background noise.
557
00:20:43,751 --> 00:20:45,419
So all you've got is...
if it's a vac, it's just...
558
00:20:45,486 --> 00:20:47,421
( Mimics vacuum cleaner )
559
00:20:47,488 --> 00:20:50,390
And if that's constant all
night, you just nod off.
560
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,626
The people next door are going,
"they've got their vacuum on again.
561
00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:55,695
- Poke... poke the chicken."
- ( Clucking )
562
00:20:55,730 --> 00:20:57,063
That's how nuclear wars start.
563
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,932
( Laughing ) Yeah.
564
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,034
- It works.
- Doesn't work.
565
00:21:01,102 --> 00:21:02,903
- We watched...
- Earplugs drown out everything.
566
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,704
I've tried them.
I didn't like it, did I?
567
00:21:04,772 --> 00:21:06,640
- Ricky: Why not?
- 'Cause I could hear my heart beat.
568
00:21:06,707 --> 00:21:09,709
- ( Heart beating )
569
00:21:11,913 --> 00:21:15,182
Oh you're such a strange
little creature.
570
00:21:15,249 --> 00:21:17,617
- Oh.
- "Didn't do much this morning.
571
00:21:17,685 --> 00:21:19,686
- Just sat by the pool..."
- ( Buzzing )
572
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,955
"...Saving insects
that flew into it."
573
00:21:22,023 --> 00:21:24,024
( Cackling )
574
00:21:24,091 --> 00:21:26,660
I'm gonna die!
Like fucking Noah.
575
00:21:26,727 --> 00:21:29,362
- That's crazy! Nothing...
- How were you saving them?
576
00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:30,897
Did you wait for them
to hit the water,
577
00:21:30,965 --> 00:21:32,399
then fish 'em out or you
grabbed 'em in the air?
578
00:21:32,467 --> 00:21:33,967
I stuck my finger
on the top.
579
00:21:34,035 --> 00:21:35,669
They grabbed on,
lifted it off.
580
00:21:35,736 --> 00:21:40,407
And what... like some sort
of insect lifeguard,
581
00:21:40,475 --> 00:21:42,409
you'd see some that landed and
then go, "right, that's me"?
582
00:21:42,477 --> 00:21:45,378
( Vocalizes theme )
And you'd go in there?
583
00:21:45,446 --> 00:21:48,648
But it's hard to turn sort of a
blind eye to stuff like that
584
00:21:48,716 --> 00:21:51,885
'cause you know that's something...
You're witnessing death.
585
00:21:51,953 --> 00:21:54,054
And if you can save something,
you do, don't you?
586
00:21:54,121 --> 00:21:55,655
You do your bit.
587
00:21:55,723 --> 00:21:57,457
And at night,
I'd sort of think,
588
00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:59,493
"have they learned their
lesson or will they be back
589
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,394
and will they be dead
in there tomorrow?"
590
00:22:01,429 --> 00:22:03,897
But if they can get an extra
day, I've done my bit.
591
00:22:03,931 --> 00:22:06,199
I can't do
more than that.
592
00:22:06,267 --> 00:22:07,901
I am on holiday.
Do your bit.
593
00:22:07,969 --> 00:22:10,403
I'm lucky enough to see the world.
Do your bit.
594
00:22:10,471 --> 00:22:11,972
- I love it.
- I d my bit.
595
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:13,473
I love it.
I love it.
596
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,242
I love the fact that
he was running around
597
00:22:15,309 --> 00:22:17,577
saving flies and things.
598
00:22:17,645 --> 00:22:19,513
It's just something... there's
something so sort of...
599
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:22,582
- Ricky: Meanwhile, an old lady drowned...
- Stephen: Yeah.
600
00:22:22,617 --> 00:22:24,551
( Laughing ) ...
While he was saving a beetle.
601
00:22:24,601 --> 00:22:29,151
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