All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e01 Clive Warren.eng

Announcer: For the past few
years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant
and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting
regularly

for a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

( Dings )

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

( Theme music playing )

Now everyone knows
over the past few years,

my big pet project
hasn't been my own career;

it's been
get Karl famous.

- Yeah. - I want people to
recognize him in the street,

come up to him and say,
"you bald-headed manc twat."

Well, let me
tell you now, Rick,

I've been out and about, and a lot of
people have come up to me and said,

"has Karl Pilkington got
a head like a fucking orange?"

And I've had to instantly
confirm the answer to be yes.

But he's had a call.

He had a call recently
from a film company

asking him if he's got
any ideas for movies.

Now how desperate...
in what dire straits

must the British
film industry be

that they're going,
"we need Karl Pilkington.

We have hit
rock bottom,"

and he went along
for an interview?

So what?
And you went in, and you...

I went along and, um,

had a meeting.

And they just said, "right, you know."
"Got any ideas?"

And so I says, you know,
"what are you thinking?

What sort of thing
are you after?

Are you after action,
thriller, whatever?"

Because you can
provide any of that.

I love that he's
playing it cool,

like, "you've come
to the right person.

- My time's precious. What do you need?"
- Yeah.

"Yeah, I'm Karl Pilkington,
the movie doctor.

What do you need, papa?"

So I thought of this idea
sort of on the spot.

Good, punny.

No, but sometimes that's how
good ideas come up, don't they?

- Yeah.
- Just random.

It's how a lot of yours
have come up, yeah.

No, but if you just talk,

I find that your mouth
comes out with stuff.

( Cackles )
Right, there's another quote.

- Right.
- There is another quote.

"If you talk, your mouth
comes out with stuff."

That to me stands along with "what were
those things in 'gremlins' called?"

No, but what I mean...
if you sit there

and try and use
your brain to do it...

- Ricky: Right.
- ...It doesn't work the same.

Just keep talking.

Just keep your mouth talking

and eventually it will come out
with something pretty good.

That is exactly
what Plato said...

- So anyway...
-...To Aristotle.

He said, "sit down.
I've got an idea for you."

Aristotle said,
"Plato, how do I do it?"

"Right, just keep talking
and eventually

your brain will come out
with stuff."

So what I thought... I just
started off by saying,

like, actors' names and that
who I thought should be in it,

'cause then that's giving
more... it's building.

- Right. - Okay, who did you say?
Who did you say?

So I said,
"right, I'm seeing...

Clive Warren."

( Cackles ) Who the
fuck's Clive Warren?

- Who's Clive Warren?
- The one who was in "Closer."

- Ricky: Clive Owen.
- Stephen: Clive Owen.

Right, all right.

Did they look at you
like you're a fucking idiot?

So they all start
trying to figure out,

"who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about?
He must be amazing."

"Yeah, Clive Warren." "Get me
Clive Warren on the phone."

- "Get me Clive Warren."
- And I said, "Rebecca de Mornay," right?

( Laughing )
Where did that come from?

She hasn't been in a film
for 15 years, has she?

Clive Warren
and Rebecca de Mornay.

They thought
he was a genius!

They've never thought
of putting Clive Warren

with Rebecca de Mornay.

But hang on a minute.
You could have...

You could have any film star...

This is your fantasy casting...

and you choose a bloke
who doesn't exist

and a woman who hasn't been on
TV or in a film for 10 years?

( Laughing ) Oh God!

- Why didn't you choose, you know...
- Someone who existed?

- ...J-Lo or someone who's a big star?
- Oh God.

( Laughing ) Clive Warren.
Oh God!

- Oh God.
- So anyway, it starts off,

and the people... you know,
you see into their lives

from right
in the morning.

So it's like a nice sunny day.
The radio is on.

They're going about the day,
having their breakfast.

They're saying,
"what we doing tonight?"

And you think, "oh,
they've got a nice life."

She's like, "love you,"
and all that, yeah?

- He walks out of the house, gets
hit by a bus. - ( Horn blares )

- Stephen: Oh.
- Karl: So Clive Warren's dead.

I don't know if Clive Warren
would take that part.

'Cause he ain't got
much to do, has he?

- No. If I know Clive Warren...
- And I think you do.

I think I do.
Carry on.

So he's hit by a bus,
so he's dead.

- So he's hit by a bus and that.
- ( Horn blares )

- The titles come up. It's got you, right?
- Ricky: Oh yeah.

- "Starring Clive Warren."
- Karl: She's fed up.

She's devastated
and that.

Um, the doctor says,
"Clive's dead."

Who's playing the doctor?
Jack Nicholsonhouse?

Um, sort of. What's that fella
who was in "Independence Day"?

- Stephen: Um, Will Smith?
- Karl: No, the old... the old black fella.

- Stephen: Morgan Freeman.
- Karl: Yeah.

- Get him in.
- Morgan Freeman, yeah.

He says,
"your husband's dead."

She's like, "oh God."

What happens then is...
he says, "but listen.

What we can do now...

We can take
the brain out..."

- Stephen: Right.
- Right.

And a fact that I'd read that
day before the meeting...

and this isn't in the
film though; this is me.

Right, but luckily
you had read the fact.

I read a thing about how the brain
can... it can run on half of it.

- You've actually got a full brain.
- Some of us have.

- So this was in my mind still.
- Well, half your mind, yeah.

So I said, "what happens
is Morgan Freeman says,

'been working on this.
You can run...

- You can run your life on half a brain.'"
- Stephen: Right.

She's sort of a bit like, "what
are you telling me this for now?

My husband's just died,
like, 20 minutes ago."

And he goes, "yeah, but if we're gonna
do this, we've got to act quick."

She's like, "do what?"

He says, "whilst his
brain's not fully dead..."

'cause it stays awake
for a bit when you get killed.

- Ricky: Oh, he's not dead then. Fine.
- ( Heart monitor beeps )

- Karl: No no, yeah, he is, but they found out...
- ( Flatlines )

...That it stays awake
a little bit...

- Ricky: No no no.
- Stephen: No, he's gone.

- He's been hit by a bus.
- Yeah, no, he's dead.

If the brain's dead,
you are dead.

- Stephen: Clive Warren's dead.
- ( Flatlines )

If the brain's not dead,
you're not dead.

It's like people in a coma...
They're dead, aren't they?

- Ricky: No no.
- Stephen: They're only in a coma.

- Ricky: They come out of comas, don't they?
- All right, he's in a coma.

He's been hit by the bus,
but the chances are

he's not gonna come out of that coma,
but his brain is still awake.

So change that.
That's easily done.

Hold on though.

I like this fact
that he's in a coma,

so they're going, "look, he's
definitely gonna die in this coma.

Take the brain out now.
Pop the brain out."

But why is that
such a weird thing

when that's what they do now?

- That's what they do now.
- What is?

- That's what they do.
- What?

- They do that.
- What?!

What, a brain transplant?

No, but when, like...

How I've signed
that donor card.

- If anything happens to me...
- No no no no.

There's no such thing
as a brain donor.

We've explained to you before.

Yeah, but they're
working on it.

They've said something
about Einstein.

They messed about
with his brain for ages

trying to work out
if it was full of stuff.

That's what they're doing.
They're working on that.

There's loads of things that doctors
are doing that we don't know about.

I've seen some weird
stuff on the Internet.

Yeah, I know you have, yeah.

I saw a program on Channel 5

where a monkey brain
was still alive,

and it was stuck
on a stick.

- ( Cackling )
- And they...

You were watching
the "Magic Roundabout."

- Karl: They poked it and it reacted.
- ( Brain gibbering )

- Ricky: Right.
- Karl: So it's still alive.

It's being kept alive and
it's only a matter of time.

What's the brain linked up to?

As long as you can link it
up to the eyes and somehow...

So it can tell the arms and legs
what to do, you're laughing.

I love that.

Imagine a team
full of a doctors going,

"well, we're gonna try
new brains out on Karl.

As long as you can
link this up to the eyes

and tell the arms and legs
what to do, we're laughing.

- Cheers, Karl. See you later."
- ( Stephen laughs )

Then what happens
is they say,

"do you want half of his
brain in your head?"

Half of his brain
in her head?

She says, "definitely not.
I'm having you struck off."

- ( Siren blares )
- Ricky: She starts screaming.

She calls the police.
He gets arrested.

Yeah, but you'd have
said that years ago

when people can have
someone else's arm

put on their body and stuff.

- ( Snickers )
- Yeah, but he's only in a coma.

- Yeah. - No, but he's not
gonna come out of that coma.

So it's like this or nothing.

He's like, "look, you know,
what we're gonna do here...

We can either
turn the switch off

or we can put his head
in your head."

- But why would you...
- So what they do then...

- They're gonna take half his brain.
- Karl: Half of his brain.

Take out half of hers,
pop it in place.

- Why would she do that?
- Because she loves him.

But hold on. Well, no no.
Wait wait wait wait.

- What would she then be?
- Because this is what I'm trying to tell you.

- Okay okay, sorry. - What happens
is he explains all this to her.

This would probably
cover about 20 minutes

in the film,
but I'm just rushing.

I just switched off, but yeah.

No, you wouldn't.
This bit would have you.

- So what...
- But I'd have actually left when I...

I wouldn't even have
gone in to see a film

starring Clive Warren
and Rebecca de Mornay...

- ( Ricky laughing )
- ...Unless it was 1985.

So the thing is
she's the same as you.

She says the same thing. She goes,
"why would I do that, doctor?"

And he goes, "well, what
will happen is he's gone,

but you'll have
his thoughts.

So in the morning
when you say,

'oh I don't know what to have.
Will I have cornflakes?'

- his bit of the brain will sort of say..."
- Stephen: Have weetabix.

..."'Have shredded wheat
or whatever.'"

- and she's like, "oh yeah, good idea."
- Sorry.

Sorry, so the point
of this film

is the... the dead man
can remind her

what breakfast cereal
she likes?

- Yeah. So the thought...
- Ricky: What do you mean yes?

So that's it, is it?

No no no no, that's not
the only thing.

Ooh, wait a minute.
This is only act one.

That's just the first bit.
Everything's going well. She has it done.

So what is... Who is she?
Is she herself?

She's Rebecca de Mornay,

but now with him
chipping in

with a bit of voiceover.

So the idea is
it's all going well

at the beginning, and she's...

So she can't decide
what to wear?

So she's had half of her brain
taken out and put in a bin, okay,

and Clive Warren's half
has been put in there.

So now she's
walking around, okay.

So she's like a schizophrenic.

No, like I say,
the brain is alive.

So it's all going well
when she leaves hospital.

And she gets
the first taste of it,

and it's a bit weird to get
ahold of 'cause she's sort of...

I think when she signs
herself out,

he's sort of fighting,
writing his name and stuff.

So there's a few sort of technical
things that she has get used to.

- And does Clive's brain know he's now
inside her brain? - What does he think?

Um...

Does that matter?

- Well, I would say it matters...
- Yes.

-...Because otherwise he...
- Yes, it does matter, Karl.

What's...
what's he thinking?

What's the point of this?

Why has she gone along
with this?

Because she really loves him.

But what's in it for him?
What does she think...

Well, say if I died
and Suzanne said,

"go on, I'll have
half of Karl's," right?

She would wake up
in the morning

to a thought of me
sort of going,

"you'll never guess what
I've just thought about."

I'd still be there.

The rest of your body
is sort of waste, isn't it?

- But, Karl...
- "The rest of your body is sort of waste"?

No, it is kind of.

When someone dies, it's not
that person anymore, is it?

You can't have
a chat with them.

So if you could have
someone's brain in your head

when they're dead, you'd
have it, wouldn't you?

What are you talking about?

Why would I have someone's brain
in my head when they're dead?

I've got a perfectly
good brain.

So you're telling me you
wouldn't have it done then?

( Stammering )

Of course I fucking wouldn't!

I can also categorically
state I wouldn't either.

You're saying that now, but
once you're in that position,

that someone who you love
and that dies...

if the doctor said,
"do you want it?"

No!
I'd go "no!"

It's madness!
It's madness!

All right,
all right, all right.

So tell me a typical
bit of dialogue.

Um, well, we've done
the breakfast scene.

That was dynamite.
That's fucking Oscar-winning.

Yeah, can we do lunch?
( Munches )

Then maybe, like,
at the funeral...

because even though the brain's still
alive, they still have the funeral,

and you can have,
like, a funny bit

where they stood
around the grave

and, like, there's some relation
there who he doesn't like.

And she can start laughing, and the family
looking at her, going, "why is she laughing?"

She's laughing and he's saying something
rude, going, "look at her head."

- Do you know what I mean?
- "Looks like a fuckin' orange."

A little cameo for you.

( Laughing ) Yeah.

And so you have all that and people
are liking the film, thinking,

"oh, it's quite funny this."
And then you hit them hard.

It's the most...

it is the most ludicrous idea
for a film I've ever heard!

It's the maddest!

Honestly, it really is the
ramblings of a mental case.

I have to say though
I am hooked now.

I want to know what's gonna
happen next in the story.

Then what happens is
she hears the voice go,

"Leslie, where are you?"

- Or something.
- Right.

- Her name's not Leslie.
- No?

She's thinking,
"who's Leslie?"

So in her mind she's going,
"who's Leslie?"

He's going, "oh."

So he's thought, "hang on,
I've let something slip here."

- So she's going, "answer me."
- Ricky: Oh!

- Karl: And he goes quiet on her.
- Oh!

- Karl: So...
- He was having an affair.

This is...
this is the thing.

So she's trying to hunt down...

- Leslie.
- ...Leslie.

And he's gotta stop
her thinking it.

- Then what happens is, I mean, you know...
- "Weetabix!"

So he's gotta hunt down Leslie?

So he's gotta... she's gotta
hunt down Leslie.

- Stephen: It's a woman, is it?
- Karl: It's another woman.

But what happens is... I mean, without
ruining the end for everyone,

what would sort of happen is...

Oh yeah, 'cause we don't
wanna ruin it for 'em.

This'll be filling the
multiplexes in no time.

It's the greatest love story
ever told set in a head.

- But listen...
- Hang on a sec there, Karl.

You've got to tell us the end.

I don't think
you can let people...

Come on, what's the end?

- Just let your mouth talk.
- Right, so what I said was,

"maybe what happens
is his brain

is more powerful
than hers."

Right. How it's...
How is there power?

I don't... Why is there
now power involved?

What I mean is her brain was
running the rest of her body.

- Stephen: Mm, now he's taking over.
- Karl: His brain...

that gets more powerful
and overrules her body.

- Stephen: Okay.
- Ricky: Yeah.

She then fancies Leslie.

- So hold on.
- So it's a lesbian film.

This is building up
to a lesbian love...

- ( stammers ) So what the... What?
- It's trendy, isn't it, that?

- So just have a bit of that at the
end and... - Ricky: So hold on.

So he overpowers her,

so she is now a lesbian.

What's Leslie getting
out of this?

Why does Leslie think,
"hold on,

why is my dead lover's wife
coming on to me?"

Because... this is what
I'm saying to you.

It's... relationships...

Is the love of two brains.

Right, okay. Again,
can anyone out there...

Can we make that into...
That's a quote.

"Relationships is
a love of two brains."

Now he's got something there.

He's got
something there.

But my point is this.

Why has Leslie
suddenly turned lesbian?

Because she loves
the brain.

But does she know
this is Clive Warren?

Rebecca will say
something now and again

like, "oh, I like my..."

- Minge.
- ( Laughs )

"I like my food done
like this," or whatever.

- And it's all about...
- "Cooked... I love my food cooked."

"Wait a minute, Clive Warren
loved his food cooked."

"Yeah, I'm in two minds
about this bacon."

"I'm gonna turn
into a lesbian."

- Karl: People...
- Ricky: "Shredded wheat."

People like
what they like.

And it's the same way
like I've said to you before

with someone who's been
going out with a woman

and then he's found out
that she's got a twin sister.

And they divorce that first twin
and go out with the other twin.

It's all the same.
You're after the same thing, aren't you?

- Yes, but that...
- When a cat dies, you buy another one.

It's the same thing.
You want that same love...

Yeah, but you don't necessarily
switch your sexual orientation.

In the case of your twin scenario,
they both look the same.

Yeah. Has there ever been one
where it's a twin boy and girl?

"Well, I was going out with her, but
I mean he looks a bit like her."

"I loved boobs.
Now I like cock."

This is your problem...
You don't know anything.

And this theory about if
your mouth talks enough,

the brain'll kick in
soon... It hasn't.

Oh, chimpanzee that...
He's written it down again!

- ( Monkey gibbers )
- ( Music playing )

Extracts from his famous diary.

"Box jellyfish,
crocodiles, snakes,

blue ring octopus,
red black spiders,

funnel web spiders,
great white sharks...

Just some of the reasons that put
me off going to Australia."

( Cackling )

"Every creature is
bigger and angrier

than anywhere else
on the world.

I put it down to two things...

One, it could either be
because spiders and snakes

and the like normally
hide under rocks.

The earth
is one big rock.

Australia's at the bottom
of the big rock

and they're trying
to hide under it."

( Cackling )
Karl, you are a maniac!

I was just thinking about it...

thinking about where
spiders go and that.

- And that works, doesn't it?
- No!

Why doesn't that work
like a rock?

'Cause there's
no real upside down

and bottom of the earth, is it?

It's all relative to what?

It's relative to what?
A map that you saw.

- Well, it's a coincidence, isn't it?
- Okay, read on.

"I've heard that
a lot of people

go camping in Australia,
which I think's mental.

If I was to fly all that way,
I'd want a decent bed.

Plus I wouldn't be
camping in a place

where there are killer
spiders wandering around."

- I agree.
- "I've only been camping a few times,

and each time I was glad
when it was over.

- The last time was last year in Lyme Regis."
- Yeah.

- When'd you go camping in Lyme Regis?
- Last year.

It's all right, Lyme Regis.

But it was all a bit of a nightmare
'cause I was going with my mate

and he said he knew
someone who knew someone

who had a bit of land
in the garden.

Who had a bit of land
in the garden?

What's the point,
though, in it?

What's the point of camping
in someone's garden

where there's a spa
down the road and a pub?

No, because you're
by the sea, aren't ya?

It's getting away from it
all, seeing the world.

It's not if you're
in someone's front garden.

- No, back.
- Oh sorry.

Well, there's even less to
see except three fences.

No, but it's private, isn't it?

So the thing is he said,
"oh, it's a great garden.

The owners are away
and there's a toilet...

an outside toilet
that they have for...

like when they have
parties and stuff."

So we get there and this lad who
knew about this bit of land...

- Someone's back garden?
- Well, yeah.

... Said, "oh, you can't use it.
They haven't gone on holiday."

So now you're stuck
in the middle

of a big civilized conurbation
called Lyme Regis.

- How are you gonna survive?
- ( Laughing )

Well, we ended up just sort
of keeping on the beach.

Did you pitch your tent
on the beach?

Put the tent on the beach.

We found somewhere where
there was a load of rubbish.

- Ricky: Oh, nice.
- Stephen: That's the place to go, yeah.

- A municipal tip.
- Ricky: What was it?

- Was it chemical waste or just
like, you know... - ( Sizzles )

No, just coke cans
and stuff.

- Was it just syringes and baby diapers?
- Oh, lovely.

- You've got to think about that.
- Was some of it rusty?

If there's
rubbish there,

- it means it was a good place to camp.
- ( Screams )

- Both: Why?
- 'Cause other people have camped there.

- Right.
- So that's how you've gotta look at it.

It's like... it's a way...
that's like a little tip of...

- so you could have slept
in a public lavatory? - Yeah yeah.

"This one's nice."
"Why?"

"It's covered in shit.

It means other people
have had a shit here."

"Welcome to our
five-star hotel.

You'll notice vomit
all over the fucking walls."

"That means people
had a good time here.

They got right pissed up
and threw their lungs up."

( Laughing )

So that's where
we put down the tent.

We put down the tent there.

- And then what was annoying is...
- He puts down a tent.

- We... what's her name?
- It was already up.

He carried it
all the way from London.

- They went, "let's pack it down."
- Yeah.

The weird thing was
as soon as we set up,

some other people
turned up.

Oh, next to
the rubbish tip.

( Stephen and Ricky
laughing )

Holidaymakers, they...

They started setting up their
tents and we're like, aw.

"No! Near... Look, there's
some nappies over there.

Move nearer
the nappies."

- Karl: And they offered us some sausages.
- Ricky: All right.

My mate said, "oh, ignore 'em.

That's, like, code
for swingers."

- What?
- No!

- So there were some people cooking some sausages...
- Ricky: Yeah.

...Saying, "would you like some sausages?
We've made too much."

And you said, "no, that's
code for swinging"?

Karl: Don't talk
to strangers.

It's like we wanna
get away from it all.

We don't want someone...

You know, it starts off
with sausages, doesn't it?

- And before you know it...
- But what did these people look like?

- They were about 45.
- Who were they though?

- A man and a woman.
- A man and a woman.

So what was in it
for the bloke?

Uh, some people
like that, don't they?

I mean did he say, "right,
I want the bald one, love"?

If it's like
wife swapping,

shouldn't one of you be a wife?

No, but I don't... I don't
know all the rules and that.

- But, uh... - He's just got
a real thing for fuckin' oranges.

And we didn't want
any sausages anyway.

- So we just sort of... - I don't believe
sausages is a code for swingers,

'cause eventually... How many times
did they give someone sausages

and then go,
"get your pants off then"?

"What? We just wanted
some sausages."

"This isn't working,
this code.

- We need a better code."
- Why would we be being offered sausages?

Because they're nice people
and they're making sausages.

Yeah.
Makes you wonder.

"We don't... Let's not
trust these people.

Let's move our tent
nearer to the corpse."

( Cackling )

So... so, yeah,
that was the camping.

- ( Ricky sighs )
- "September 30th.

Going away with Suzanne's
mom and dad.

We're meeting them
at Madeira airport

as they're flying in
from Manchester.

- The plane was full and I had a headache."
- ( P.A. Chimes )

- ( Crying )
- "There was a baby sat behind us

that was crying its eyes out
for the whole flight.

The mother of it said it was upset
'cause its ears were hurting.

- So were mine."
- ( Ricky cackling )

Oh God! Oh.

"We went to try
and find a supermarket.

Suzanne's mom was having
a go at her dad

'cause he didn't
have a shirt on.

She said he looks a mess and is
embarrassed to be seen with him.

It's their Ruby
anniversary tomorrow."

( Laughing )

- That's why we went away.
- Ricky: Oh yeah.

"I bought a fan to put in our room to
drown out the sound of the mopeds.

I've heard Wayne Rooney does the
same thing with a vacuum cleaner."

- What? - If you've just got
a noise that's constant,

it makes you nod off
and it drowns out

every other
background noise.

So all you've got is...
if it's a vac, it's just...

( Mimics vacuum cleaner )

And if that's constant all
night, you just nod off.

The people next door are going,
"they've got their vacuum on again.

- Poke... poke the chicken."
- ( Clucking )

That's how nuclear wars start.

( Laughing ) Yeah.

- It works.
- Doesn't work.

- We watched...
- Earplugs drown out everything.

I've tried them.
I didn't like it, did I?

- Ricky: Why not?
- 'Cause I could hear my heart beat.

- ( Heart beating )

Oh you're such a strange
little creature.

- Oh.
- "Didn't do much this morning.

- Just sat by the pool..."
- ( Buzzing )

"...Saving insects
that flew into it."

( Cackling )

I'm gonna die!
Like fucking Noah.

- That's crazy! Nothing...
- How were you saving them?

Did you wait for them
to hit the water,

then fish 'em out or you
grabbed 'em in the air?

I stuck my finger
on the top.

They grabbed on,
lifted it off.

And what... like some sort
of insect lifeguard,

you'd see some that landed and
then go, "right, that's me"?

( Vocalizes theme )
And you'd go in there?

But it's hard to turn sort of a
blind eye to stuff like that

'cause you know that's something...
You're witnessing death.

And if you can save something,
you do, don't you?

You do your bit.

And at night,
I'd sort of think,

"have they learned their
lesson or will they be back

and will they be dead
in there tomorrow?"

But if they can get an extra
day, I've done my bit.

I can't do
more than that.

I am on holiday.
Do your bit.

I'm lucky enough to see the world.
Do your bit.

- I love it.
- I d my bit.

I love it.
I love it.

I love the fact that
he was running around

saving flies and things.

It's just something... there's
something so sort of...

- Ricky: Meanwhile, an old lady drowned...
- Stephen: Yeah.

( Laughing ) ...
While he was saving a beetle.

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