Original subtitles

- All right, now, get in the car. - Can we check your oil?

I get pulled into the principal's office,

and now you want a reward?

The car will be going to the dealer

to get the oil changed.

But that's how they get you!

And their coffee stinks.

Oh, ho, Douglas. Looking sharp.

What are you doing here so early?

Apparently the girls were doing

some unsanctioned renovation on the gym.

Again.

So I got pulled out of a work function.

I understand.

Well, if they supplied their own lumber,

you should probably be thanking me.

Right now?

Fine.

Did I miss the shrimp guy?

I don't care who I'm talking to.

The shrimp guy comes around, you tell me.

- A shrimp guy? - Yep.

What kind of party was this?

The National Dermatology Awards.

Tomorrow night, I'm getting a Dermy.

Wow! Congratulations!

You know what? I'm more excited about the speech.

But I can't even work on it

because I'm dealing with this kid nonsense.

And now the principal

wants me to sit down with the school psychologist.

Dr. Rhonda. Oh, I love her.

Best kitten posters in the biz.

Yeah, I'm not doing it.

It goes against everything I believe in.

My parenting philosophy is simple.

If the car is running, never pop the hood.

Uh, you got to pop the hood

once in a while.

And nobody does it better than Dr. Rhonda.

I value our weekly one-on-one sessions more than anything.

- You see her every week? - Oh, sure.

Afraid that's the limit.

Look, I know you're skeptical, but if you see Dr. Rhonda,

I promise she will make your life easier.

Douglas, are your girls working on my car?

No! I said no oil change!

You just said your car.

Next time, be more specific.

I'm mad at them, but I'm very excited for you.

You're gonna be very happy with their work.

Hm.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

So I said, "You're gonna have to give me a reason

to order more of this Riesling."

- Oh! - Oh! I get it.

And then I woke up, so...

Girl, you got to say up front if the story is a dream.

Seriously.

I would walk away right now if I weren't stuck

waiting for Graham and his new friend, Alex.

He's been talking about him non-stop.

Sounds like this Alex is a pretty big "get" for Graham.

Alex?

Eye roll.

Damn, dude. You sound jealous.

I'm not. Trust me.

Graham will be done with Alex

just in time for my spring sweater unveiling.

Oh, well, I really hope so,

because Alex's mom, Nora, doesn't do drop-off playdates,

so that means I'm forced to hang out

with a total stranger for hours.

- "Mom Playdates" are torture. - Ugh.

Hearing their parenting philosophies,

you telling them your life story,

all the fake laughing.

"Okay. Okay." It's not okay.

It is all of the worst parts of a first date

- with none of the alcohol. - Yes.

God, I am so lucky that I met you when I did.

Cheerios, Angie. Next time, Cheerios.

Cheerios don't melt.

Crap.

Got you covered.

- Keep it. - The whole pack?

Yeah.

That's, like, the nicest thing

that anyone's ever done for me.

Well, you look like you're having a day.

You want to talk about it?

This is Graham.

This is Rory.

Graham and I got more than wipes that day.

We got best friends.

And a three-hour therapy session

on my romantic blind spots.

- I remember that. - Man. I never go to the park.

Too much grass.

Should I be getting out there and finding Jack a best friend?

No, no, no. Dad playdates don't work like that.

Men are not looking for a connection.

Two dads will just sit there in silence,

on their phones, the entire time.

Maybe they'll start things off with some mild sports talk.

Yeah, like, uh, "Yo, you see that game? Crazy."

- "Crazy game." - It was crazy.

Hey, Mom. This is Alex and his mom.

Hi.

Nora.

Looking forward to the playdate later.

That kid is tiny as hell.

How old is he?

I'm this many.

Whoa. Yo, that's four fingers.

Graham's friend is 4.

Mm-hmm. A real big get.

Dr. Rhonda.

I was referred to you by Will Cooper.

Now, let's never speak of him again.

He's not here, is he?

- What? - He's very nice.

It's just, as a parent,

he can be... very present.

- You think? - So, Dr. Fogerty,

before I share my findings,

I'd like to hear from you about your daughters.

Okay, well, they're, uh, short and blond.

Uh, one of them has a thing under her eye.

Not what they look like.

Tell me about them as individuals.

Hard to say, you know?

They always do everything together.

They're, uh, always on the same page.

They never fight. Not to brag,

but I've successfully fused them into one child...

a child who spends all of her time

in the shed out back.

And... what goes on in this shed?

It... It's their private space,

and I've always made it a point not to go back there.

It's none of my business.

If I had to guess, I would say, mm...

I don't know... auto-body projects, cabinetry,

maybe a mechanical bull.

Uh, peanut shells all over the floor.

You know?

These are all just guesses

that are based on the, uh, sounds

I... I hear coming from the shed.

You know, kids, right?

While I'm tempted to dig into that,

uh, I do want to share my findings.

You see, Dr. Fogerty, in my business,

nothing is as exciting as testing twins.

- Really? - I'm not gonna lie,

I'm flying right now.

Your girls, while identical, are very different.

I ran some tests,

and while Amy is right on grade level,

Emma presents as mathematically gifted.

She's acting out because she's bored.

Okay. So my daughter's a genius. Have we solved it?

No. Being a parent to a gifted child is a full-time job.

Terrific.

- It's him. - I'm not here.

I'm just gonna let it go to voicemail.

So, I guess I know now

why you don't do drop-off playdates.

Yeah. He doesn't really go to the bathroom by himself yet.

Graham, I have to ask... how did you two meet?

Well, it happened last week.

You were late picking me up again.

We bonded immediately.

We had plenty of time, because, again,

you were so late picking me up.

Okay, we got it. Why don't you go play?

So...

... where are you from?

I'm gonna stop you right there.

We don't need to be friends just 'cause our kids are friends.

- We don't? - Absolutely not.

I brought a ton of work,

and I've got my own drinks, my own snacks,

everything ready to go, so...

In fact, if you need anything, I'd prefer you just text me.

So you're suggesting that we do

our own completely separate thing in the same space,

like one of those combo Pizza Hut/Taco Bells?

Wow. I think I love you.

- Just... - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, I will. - Yeah.

Douglas, as the father of a gifted child,

please allow me to welcome you to the club.

I don't want to be part of this club.

Look, before you got involved, I had one kid.

And now, thanks to you, I have two.

Plus, Dr. Rhonda wants me to drive to Sylmar next weekend

for something called Fraction Fest.

Hey, Soph, get this... turns out Emma's a math genius.

They're going to Frac Fest, too!

Emma? She dips her chips in milk.

How did, uh, Amy take it?

It's none of my business,

but I would like to think that they're handling it well.

I guess you're not an air hockey genius, either.

What'd you just say to me?

Girls, I'm on the phone.

Emma said I'm dumb.

You're not dumb,

but God doesn't give with both hands.

Know what I mean?

No.

But I don't like it.

You just worry about being pretty,

'kay, hot stuff?

Uh, hey, c-come on now.

You're supposed to be a team, remember?

You got to figure this out on your own.

The old man's right.

There's only one way out of this.

Good. Now they're fighting. They never fight.

Tony, get in there. See, Will?

This is what happens when you pop the hood.

Well, I'm sure you want to roll up your sleeves

and get your hands greasy, so I'll leave you to it.

Oh, no. Wrong. You're part of this now.

I have the Dermys tomorrow,

so clear your schedule and then...

Oh. Oh, God. I got to go.

Y-Yeah. Yeah, Tony's on the ground.

They... They got Tony.

How you like that, old man?!

Cover your face, Tony!

J-Just roll into a ball, like an armadillo.

- Angie. Hey. - Hey.

Don't run off without giving me those playdate deets.

So, how bad was it?

Is your face sore from all the fake smiling?

Dude, it was actually kind of great.

It turns out Nora's a dad-mom.

We barely even talked.

I got so much done.

I made a dentist appointment, I paid parking tickets,

I finally got around to that "what color is the dress" thing.

We're hanging out again today.

Oh. Well, what about our Wednesday hang?

Oh, my God.

I knew I was forgetting something.

I'm so sorry. Can we reschedule?

Reschedule our standing Wednesday hang?

I got offered tickets to "The Bachelor: Women Tell All"

but didn't go because... it was a Wednesday.

This Nora must be something else.

Well, don't be jealous of Nora.

She's just a refreshing change of pace.

Refreshing?

Well, yeah. I mean, come on, Poppy.

You know that hanging out with you can be... a lot.

Oh. Okay, well, I see how it is.

Tell me how you really feel.

Sometimes we go deep, you know,

and it can be exhausting

talking about my fears and desires and my childhood,

and sometimes I don't want to think about

if my parents loved each other.

I just want to chill.

Oh. Well, I hope you have fun being chill

and cleaning out your inbox

with that toddler and his rando mom.

And the dress is blue.

Good news.

The conflict resolution you ordered has arrived.

I hope you're right,

because Amy has just put Emma

up for sale on Craigslist.

Lucky for you, I attended Dr. Rhonda's three-day seminar

on sibling rivalry,

and you don't go to a convention like that

and not take notes. Am I right?

You went to a sibling rivalry convention?

You only got one kid.

Well, we're thinking about getting a dog.

My dad's read, like, every parenting book there is.

Wrote a few, too.

- Still unpublished. - We don't...

need to advertise that.

I'm just happy I finally get to use all that info

that's been rattling around in my brain.

And then Amy will be all better

once I sprinkle a little Dr. Rhon-dust on them.

O-Okay, listen. I don't have to know how the sausage is made.

- Just make them one kid again. - Mm-hmm.

Now, I'm on my way to the Dermys,

where I will be roasting my peers

until a string quartet cuts me off.

When I get back, I want this fixed.

We are now in a trustful space.

We listen to each other.

We don't talk over each other.

We're communicating without words,

which is what humans used to do before we invented language.

Okay? Now, don't break eye contact,

but think about the closeness

you shared inside the womb.

I should've eaten you when I had the chance!

I would've eaten you!

Ladies, ladies!

Okay, okay.

Oh, boy.

And even though

I'm three minutes older than you,

I value you as a sister and a peer.

Thank you!

And now, allow me to complete the compliment circle.

- Aww! - Aww!

This is what you guys were making for half an hour?

I hate this.

I hate this more than you do.

You know, you guys aren't even really giving it a chance.

- Shut up. - Shut up.

Putting them in the same shirt?

This feels like a reach.

I'm riffing, okay?

But look, at least they're talking to each other.

Get away from me, Average!

That's it!

I want a divorce!

You can't make it out there without me.

I'm the brains.

What's important is they did that together.

Yeah.

So, according to Angie, hanging out with me

is like being on an elliptical with no headphones.

Ah, the elliptical.

I like to call that one "The Double Slot Machine."

Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching!

Miggy, do you think I'm a lot?

What? No. No way. You're, like...

Ooh, wait. In what context?

Because in terms of talking with you and being with you,

- you're kind of a lot. - You are way off. I am chill as hell.

I have a membership to a botanical garden.

- Oh, that is chill. - Exactly.

In fact, I'm gonna stop by Angie's playdate

to show her just how chill I can be.

Rory, you stay here.

What? Why should I have to miss the drama

and be stuck here with Miggy?

Dude, you can come with me to the park,

and we can cruise for friends for Jack.

There's a father and son out there

about to get wiped, and they don't even know!

That's gonna end in disaster.

So you know I'm in.

You okay, Dad?

Yeah. I just feel depleted.

Did you take your B12?

Of course.

You know, I know it might feel like we're not helping,

but I think we are.

I don't hear any fighting.

You guys are still here?

We're done.

Emma left.

Man, it was ugly.

But in the end, I got the shed.

What did she get?

Wait, where did Emma go?

Whoa! Watch out!

On your left!

Representative.

Rep... Representative.

Hey, Nora? Did you unplug my coffee maker?

Yeah, my laptop was at 15%,

and you're kinda hogging all the outlets.

Representative.

Are those my slippers?

Oh, yeah. My feet were really cold, so...

And who's that guy?

Oh. That's Lenny, my accountant.

Oh, hi. Yes.

I would like to redeem my miles.

I'll get it.

I'm sure it's for you.

Hello, Angela. What's good? I don't even care.

Thank God you're here.

This playdate just took a really weird turn,

and I need to talk about it.

Oh, sorry. I'm not here to get into anything.

I just came over to quietly pay some bills at your table.

Okay, w-what is this?

You're not still mad at me, are you?

No. No.

I'm just having a dream Wednesday,

living my best life.

Okay, you're speaking like an Instagram caption,

which is usually a pretty clear sign that you're mad.

Can we talk about this?

Sorry. Not really into talking.

How can everyone afford noise-canceling headphones?

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and thank you for this award.

It took a lot of hard work.

And now I would like to take this moment

to recognize the people who did not help me,

alphabetically.

Amy Adams, Paul Anka"...

There's a child scootering up the middle aisle!

She plowed right through the gift-bag table!

There's moisturizer everywhere!

Oh, no. That sounds like one of my mine.

Ooh! Man.

Pico was jammed.

Emma, I'm about to go on stage.

- How did you even get here? - My hog.

But I told you to only scooter within a five-mile radius,

and you drove to Beverly Hills?

Who cares? Amy hates me.

A-All right, look. Talk to me.

Tony, this is a good chance

for you to hit my shoulders with the roller.

Amy said she wants a divorce.

Look, she's just being dramatic.

All right, this is what I'm gonna do. We're gonna go home.

We're gonna work all of this out after my speech.

And the cocktail hour.

And the after party.

I promised Tony I'd be his wingman.

Dad, she's never been this mad at me before.

I'm scared.

You know, I don't think she's mad at you.

I think that she's probably just... jealous.

You're right. This is all my fault.

I wish I wasn't smart.

Come here.

I want you to hear me.

This is not your fault.

Okay?

Tony, I need you to step in for me here.

I want these word-for-word,

and keep your politics out of it.

Come on, Emma.

Emma is writing you a formal apology

on the family letterhead

for taking her scooter to Beverly Hills

without telling you.

However inappropriate, she did make amazing time.

100 Dr. Rhonda seminars would not have prepared me

for the things I've seen today.

I came in here thinking I was a parenting expert,

and your children have humbled me.

I let you down, bud. I failed you. I'm sorry.

Ah, stop beating yourself up.

I gave you an impossible task.

I wanted them to be one kid

so I wouldn't feel like I was outnumbered.

But they've always been two kids.

I'm the parent of two kids.

You do know where Amy is, right?

She moved herself out to the shed.

Asked us to forward her mail.

Well...

I've been running from this for a very long time.

But I always knew this day would come.

You got this, big guy.

It's gonna go great.

Oh, great. What is your Wi-Fi password, Angela?

Poppy, come on, all right?

You need to help me.

T-This woman, I-I don't think she's ever gonna leave.

She put up corkboard, and I just overheard her

ordering way too much Indian food.

Sounds really bad,

but I'm not here to get personally involved.

I'm just trying to give you that chill dad-mom energy

that you want from a friend.

I don't want to be a lot.

Look, Poppy, I'm sorry that I offended you.

But you know that you being a lot

is one of the best things about you.

The day that we met in the park and you gave me the wipes,

it changed my life.

I love that we go deep,

and I love that you know me so well.

And I know you so well.

I know you so well,

I know you're not listening to music in those headphones.

Okay. Fine.

I'm not.

They're not even plugged in to anything.

- I know! - I know I'm overreacting.

I get jealous sometimes.

Truth is, I love being your only mom friend.

And you have nothing to worry about.

You know, I really don't like... people.

I know.

Now, will you please help me

- get this woman out of here? - Mm.

She's gone through all the generic hummus,

and now she's about to hit the good stuff in the back of the fridge.

- Got you covered. I'm going in... - Okay.

... and I'm gonna go... deep.

Yeah, I just need to speak to whoever's above you.

I don't care if it's the president of the airline,

so, okay?

Okay, can we talk about what's going on here?

What's going on is that I've been on hold for an hour,

so I can't hang up the phone.

I see everything you're going through right now.

You need to redeem these miles

because the walls are closing in on you at home with the 4-year-old

and you'll go anywhere.

In fact, you'll even set up shop at a stranger's house

because it doesn't matter where you go,

as long as you get that escape.

Ricky said he would help with childcare,

but where is he, you know? He's just out

seeing improv shows every single night of the week.

Come on now, Ricky!

You just gonna make this woman a prisoner in her own home

for some improv?!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't really get to talk about this stuff normally, so...

I'm here at the Winebrary, in case you ever need me.

But right now, you have to get up out this woman's house,

take yourself home, and hear about some improv.

Alex, time to go, buddy.

Sorry for taking over.

You set up a wonderful workspace.

Oh.

Thank you?

Look what the cat dragged in.

Wow.

This place has running water, huh?

And A.C.?

Relax. It's all permitted.

Listen, I know it doesn't always seem like

I want to talk about what's going on with you,

but, uh, right now, I'm gonna do it anyway.

Your sister is really upset.

She's upset? What about me?

I knew we would have to do different things sometimes.

I just didn't think Emma would be special

and I wouldn't.

Oh, I know how you feel.

My sisters Donna and Lenore, may they rest in peace,

were synchronized-skating stars.

Everyone in the family fawned over them,

and no one cared about my drawings.

Bowl of fruit after bowl of fruit ignored.

You used to draw?

Oh, all the time.

Most dermatologists are failed architects.

Nobody knows that, but it's true.

I drew all this crap.

You dr...

Amy, these... these are exceptional!

Schools don't test for this.

D-Do you realize that every project

that you and your sister ever made

started with your imagination?

That's right.

Hey, there it is... the air hockey table.

Last thing we made together before the split.

When we're building things,

it's like nothing else matters.

But she's a genius now,

and I'm just a ding dong with the same face.

No. No, you're not.

Listen to me.

You and your sister are special

in two totally different ways,

and you make a great team together.

And I'm gonna remind you of that.

Hey! You got to sign that out!

- So? How'd it go? - Great.

Dad! What are you doing?!

What? I can't hear you!

Oh, no! What are we gonna do?

I guess I'll just have to call the handyman.

He's all thumbs and butt crack.

Oh, then, what are we gonna do?

You get the clamps.

You get the nuts.

And the Dermy for Father of the Year

goes to Douglas Fogerty.

Shut up, Will. Sit down.

You're about to see two geniuses at work.

I just don't get it.

Emma's a math genius?

Last week, I caught you licking a brick.

Don't knock it till you try it.

Professor Sidney Raines.

Lionel Richie. Rustic Canyon Golf Course...

your greens just play too fast.

What is this list, again?

His enemies.

It's all over the map.

What did the Budweiser horses ever do to him?

I knew you'd be back.

Right on time for spring sweater season.

Ooh! What's trending?

One word... alpaca.

Kids, this is supposed to be about me right now, all right?

It's not too late to add some names to the list.

All right, everybody. Let's listen up. Here come the S's.

Sam's Club.

Santa Monica Boulevard,

but only between 9:00 A.M. and 11:00 A.M.

Siegfried and not Roy. Roy, you are a peach.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --