Original subtitles

So great.

Look at that.

"She's hot, she's new,

and she's bound for the big time."

- It's amazing. - No, it's not amazing.

My face looks fat.

Honey, your face couldn't look fat

if you ate 47 pints of Haagen-Dazs.

You look like Elizabeth Taylor.

When her face was fat.

[evil laughter]

Oh, my God.

Ma?

- Hello. - Really?

You haven't called me in six months,

and that's how you say hello.

Is this a court ordered call?

(Elizabeth) I've been a little busy.

(Johnny) With what?

Cancer. I have cancer.

I thought you might like to know.

(Johnny) Shit.

Are you okay?

(Elizabeth) I'm fine.

But I've decided to live what's left of my life

being as happy as I can.

So I'm also getting married.

(Johnny ) What? Who are you marrying?

(Elizabeth) A man who loves me very much.

And we need a great wedding band,

and I said my wonderfully talented son had a band

and I insist they play on my final wedding day.

So in other words, you want us to play for free.

Do you have any idea how much cancer costs?

(Johnny) Must be a shitload if you're asking my band to play.

- You hate my music. - I like the slower numbers.

(Johnny) You know what?

You liked it when I sounded like Billy Joel.

Billy Joel is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

He should be in the drunk driving hall of fame, okay?

(Elizabeth) Why couldn't you have stuck with the piano?

Was that too much to ask?

(Johnny) Yeah, you know why?

Because every Sunday morning, you sat me down in a suit and tie

and made me play Broadway musical numbers

in front of your martini-sucking,

B-list Broadway friends.

(Elizabeth) Liza Minnelli is not Broadway B-list, John.

Liza Minnelli was never there, Ma.

(Elizabeth) Do you know how many people would kill

to sing at my wedding?

(Johnny) Oh, yeah? Really?

Why don't you call your best friend Liza then?

(Elizabeth) Liza's having her hip replaced.

With what, a wet bar?

(Elizabeth) Okay, have your fun.

But six months from now,

you may not have me to mock anymore.

Have you talked to Dad?

(Elizabeth) Yes.

Your father's treating me.

Which band are you in now?

I'm in the same band,

except I have a new lead singer,

- your granddaughter. - My what?

(Johnny) Long story short, I have a daughter,

and she showed up in New York.

I'm actually living with her,

and she's the new lead singer of my band.

You have a grandchild.

Hello?

I'm digesting the information.

(Johnny) You know, most people your age would be jumping for joy

to find out that they had a grandchild.

What do you mean by my age?

Old. I mean old.

She's gorgeous, and she's talented,

and she's on the cover of Time Out New York this week.

How about that?

Hello?

I'm Googling her, God damn it.

You were always so goddamn impatient.

This fucking phone.

There she is.

Oh, my God, she's stunning.

It says here she's gonna be a big star.

Will she sing Billy Joel?

(Johnny) Oh, now you want to meet her

because she might turn out to be somebody some day?

The wedding is Saturday, darling.

I'll send the information over to Eva's email address.

Ava.

It's Ava...

Unbelievable.

- Was that my grandmother? - Yeah.

She has cancer.

Oh, no, that's horrible.

You haven't met her yet.

[hard rock music]

Sex and drugs and rock and roll

All right

All right

'Cause I don't want to die

Anonymous

No, no

No, no

No, no

Sync and corrections by peterbrito www.addic7ed.com

Okay, Cruella, aka your mom, emailed the set list.

She wants us all in '70s retro gear,

and she wants us to play nine Billy Joel songs,

four Bee Gees tunes,

and My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion.

(Johnny ) I can't play that set list. I'll end up in a diabetic coma.

(Gigi) Dad, you need closure with your mom.

- [growls] - Okay?

All this time, you've been trying to get her attention,

and guess what, you finally have it.

She's right, buddy.

(Rehab) How extra special retro

do we want to go with this?

Because I might have a few Quaaludes hanging around.

Holy shit!

You know who's catering this wedding?

- Bobby Q. - (Ava) Who's that?

(Bam Bam) He's the guy who puts on the Big Bear Barbecue

every Sunday in Brooklyn.

You know, for the big, fat, hairy gay guys?

You go to gay guy barbecues?

They invite me.

Turns out in the gay bear community,

I am quite sexy and delicioso.

(Ava) God, please tell me you don't

exchange sexual favors for snacks.

I gave a guy a backrub once.

But let me tell you something,

his bacon Mississippi biscuits

and his sassy corn succotash, oh, my God.

I should've blown him.

I'm kidding.

Mm-hmm.

(Gigi) I want to know why my dad hates his mom

- more than I hate mine. - All right, well,

strap yourself in, G, here it comes.

Yeah, it's not a pretty picture.

(Flash) She was a rising star on Broadway when she was your age.

- (Gigi) Wow, she's gorgeous. - (Ava) Yeah, and she could sing too.

(Bam Bam) Somebody in Hollywood was making this huge movie musical,

and they wanted an unknown to be the lead.

And Johnny's mom gets this part,

only she's pregnant with your dad at the time.

(Ava) And they were starting shooting in three weeks. They wouldn't wait.

So they went with their second choice.

- Who was their second choice? - Julie Andrews.

Oh, my God.

The movie was Mary Poppins?

Julie Andrews wins the Oscar; Johnny's mom doesn't.

(Ava) And you've met your grandpa Ted.

Yes, I have. The doctor, Captain Serious.

(Bam Bam) Yeah, well, your father's father

was an up and coming tenor sax player back in the day.

(Gigi) Oh, look at him. Wow.

Yeah, but he couldn't handle the ups and downs

of the music business, so he quit, and he started med school.

(Ava) Yeah, he wanted to get married, move to the 'burbs,

and she was like, "No way."

So she ends up off Broadway...

Way off Broadway.

Then she gets this rich guy that she's sleeping with

to back one of her new ideas for a starring vehicle.

It was 1978, and she thought that a musical comedy

would help the country heal.

(Flash) The 11:00 number was called Let Bygones be Saigons.

[laughter]

That's my lettuce.

This is Napa cabbage.

It doesn't work in sandwiches.

[funk riff]

(woman) Ooh.

Oh.

(Gigi) You know what I feel like doing?

What do you feel like doing?

I feel like shaking.

Well, baby, let's shake.

Shake, shake

Shake, shake

Baby, get down

Baby, get down

Oh

Shake, shake

Shake, shake

Oh

Shake it to the left

Now shake it to the right

Back it on up

Make it feel all right

Uh

Shake, shake

Yeah

[clapping]

- Absolutely wonderful. - Great, just great.

Oh, my God, you are even more stunning in person.

Jeremy, my soon-to-be-famous granddaughter.

I've been reading all about you online, Gigi,

and your voice is simply spectacular.

What an instrument. How are you?

I'm good. I'm doing good.

Nice to meet you.

- Hello, Eva. - Ava.

Hello, Elizabeth.

(Johnny) Hey, Ma. How you doing?

Hello, darling.

I'm doing as well as can be expected.

How do you like the outfits?

Perfect.

(Jeremy) And these period wigs are just fantastic.

I mean, yours in particular, so Rod Stewart.

No, no, this is... this is my actual hair.

(Jeremy) Oh, and you had it styled for the occasion?

You talk about commitment.

I'm Jeremy, your stepdad in waiting.

I know it's a bit of a shock, but you got to look at the bright side.

We can go through man-o-pause together. [wheezing laugh]

(Elizabeth) Flash, we must get you to do an interview for our documentary.

What documentary?

(Jeremy) Oh, I'm directing a film

about Elizabeth's life in the theater.

Now that Elaine Stritch is finally dead,

there's an opening for a new great dame of Broadway,

and I plan on beating Tyne Daly to that spot.

(Jeremy) It's following us through our wedding

and up to opening night of what we're currently calling

The Biggest Broad on Broadway.

It's a one-woman show I'm writing for Elizabeth.

No one knew who the hell Elaine Stritch was

before she did a one-woman show when she was 70.

Well, let me tell you, I smoke more than she did.

I drank her under the table multiple times,

and now she's dead, and I'm not.

This show is gonna win me my Tony.

- And me mine. - Muah.

Ma, I'll do an interview, no problem.

(Jeremy) Uh, okay.

Let me just check the list here.

- Nope, nope, you're not on it. - (Ava) But he's family.

(Jeremy) Well, it's not just about family, dear.

It's about famous family.

See, Flash connects us with Gaga's audience,

and Gigi connects us with the young adult audience,

and heck, you over there, you connect us to Neptune.

[wheezing laugh]

Anyway, it's all about festivals now.

Sundance, Toronto.

We need big names.

I just met her 20 seconds ago.

I don't really know what I would say.

Oh, our talking points are all right here on these cards.

All my charity work... AIDS, animals, the environment.

She's so selfless.

And don't forget to mention my battle with cancer.

She's so brave.

And we'd like to focus on the fact

that I was the first choice for the role of Mary Poppins,

the role of a lifetime.

Wait.

Is Mary Poppins the one with Dick Van Dyke?

The very same, yes.

Yes, with the magic car, the one that flies all around.

I love that movie.

(Elizabeth) Sweetheart, in my movie, Mary Poppins flies around.

Well, no, in your movie, Julie Andrews flies around.

[laughs]

I love this girl.

[laughs]

Oh, you're too much.

(Johnny) Hey, Dad.

(Gigi) Hey, Grandpa T.

You just get here?

Just in time for the kiss

and two double bourbons.

You know how much I love show folk.

Well, not everyone here is in show business.

Yes, and that definitely includes your father.

[laughs]

Here we go.

Gigi, do yourself a favor.

Get out of this business while the getting is good.

Dad, she's not, like, some wide-eyed kid.

I mean, she's got real talent.

I know, so did you. I'm just saying don't waste your life

- chasing after vanity and rejection. - Oh, boy.

Don't wake up at age 50 or 70 still broke and invisible.

(Gigi) Okay, and you don't miss playing music a little bit?

A little bit?

I realized I wasn't good enough

to compete against my musical contemporaries,

so I woke up one morning when I was about your age

and decided to do something different with my life.

Became a doctor.

I was actually better than my contemporaries.

My contemporaries ripped me off.

- Of course they did. - You know that story.

Failed show folk always have an excuse.

Someone stabbed me in the back.

- Someone took my stage persona. - Dulli took my stage persona.

Somebody slept with a director.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Julie Andrews was better than Johnny's mom.

That's why she got the job.

It wasn't about the baby.

It was about Julie Andrews' voice.

No excuses.

I'm not gonna say it.

- But I will say... - Greg Dulli, here we go.

Here we go. Bring out the violins.

- Dude. - What?

Over my left shoulder.

My left shoulder.

Yeah? So what.

That chick back there is giving me sexy eyes.

Eww, she's old enough to be my mom.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you taking a Quaalude?

No.

I'm taking two Quaaludes.

Jackass.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Dude, chill out. They're not gonna work.

They're practically as old as she is.

If they do work, you're gonna want to fuck everything that walks,

including her, and I'm pretty sure she can't walk.

Thank God for that.

Otherwise, things might get weird.

I'm starving.

I'm going to get some real food.

That is food.

That's grapes and nuts.

That's like bird food. I want some meat.

Go over here to one of these barrels.

Excuse me, gents.

Don't forget to come in right at the top

- of the second verse, okay? - I'm not gonna forget.

Relax, Dad. She's gonna love it.

- You think so? - Yes.

Hey.

What's up?

I just, uh...

Your stepdad, he, um...

- What? - What?

I finished my documentary interview.

I stood up.

He thanked me. He hugged me.

He grabbed my ass, and then he gave me his number.

What?

Jesus Christ. Come on.

He grabbed your ass?

- Hey, did you make a pass at Flash? - Yes, I did.

He's a very handsome and strapping man.

And you know what?

He smells delicious.

Musky like a... like a big tree,

like a huge golden oak.

[laughs]

You remind me so much of your mother.

You know, if she kicks the bucket soon,

I may just make a pass at you.

Eww.

You're my stepfather.

No, I'm your gay stepfather.

Does my grandmother know?

(Jeremy) Well, she knows I have

14 different cast recordings of The Pajama Game.

She knows that I have Jerry Herman on my speed dial,

and she knows that the thing that I find

the most attractive about her face

is her mustache.

Yeah, I think she has a couple of clues.

(Gigi) And she's okay with that?

(Jeremy) Oh, yeah, she's over the moon about it.

I write her a hit show,

I make her life story into a successful movie,

and her career finally takes off.

Plus she has a male companion

for each and every event that she attends,

some eye candy.

Now, listen, you two.

She and I love each other very much.

We even have sex sometimes.

- You do? - Yeah.

I just pretend she's Morley Safer.

Oh, my God.

60 Minutes is my news jam.

Listen, little lady.

Every week, someone new like you

waltzes into town

all sky blue eyeballs and big sexy tits.

Hey, hey.

You ride in on your high and mighty moral horse

because you're young, and you're beautiful,

and you're special.

But believe me,

once you've been beaten down by this business for two decades

and you ain't so special

and you're just another anonymous nobody,

you'll do anything it takes to get what you want.

Just like me.

You know what?

You're an asshole.

A talented asshole.

You know, I hear it runs in the family.

Come on, honey.

[big band music plays]

You hungry, big boy?

I got a warm mac and cheese tartlet.

Bobby Q, it's you.

I'm a huge fan.

Oh, my God, your mango salsa ribs...

Sumptuous.

Oh, well, thank you.

You've been to my Bearbecue before in Brooklyn?

Yeah, absolutely. I love it over there.

I mean, I'm not... I'm not gay.

Yeah, I'm just... I'm more of a food buff.

That's why I used the word "sumptuous."

Uh-huh.

Not that the word "sumptuous" is gay, 'cause it's not.

It's... it's more like, you know, a food word.

Yes, it is. I, uh...

I have some very sumptuous ribs

that I was saving for myself for later on.

- You have ribs here? - Yeah.

Yeah, they're on the bone.

It's a new recipe I'm trying.

Tangy red pepper ribs with a garlic-mustard rub.

Oh, my God.

I love rubs.

That sounds insane.

It is.

- Check back in 30 minutes. - Okay, here or...

Why don't you check in the kitchen.

Secret ribs?

Secret ribs.

Okay.

All right, see ya.

Elizabeth. You never listen to me,

but maybe you will listen to your granddaughter.

She has something she wants to say.

Oh, do please sit down.

My God, girl.

If I had your eyes,

I would've been a major movie star.

[Gigi laughs] Um...

You know, Grandma...

Call me Elizabeth, darling.

Blaming your only child

for not being as famous as you want to be,

it's small, and it's vicious, and it's sad.

Dearie, I don't blame your father for anything.

I blame Julie fucking Andrews.

Everybody knows that,

including Julie fucking Andrews,

because it's true.

I don't get pregnant, she doesn't get that part.

(Ava) Only Julie Andrews wasn't around,

so all your anger and bitterness got poured onto your son.

- Eva. - Ava.

It's Ava with an A, not an E.

Eva is so much prettier.

(Gigi) Okay, listen, Elizabeth.

My dad worked really hard busting his ass

writing a song for you and your new husband,

and he's gonna sing it tonight onstage,

at the piano, with me.

He's trying to make an effort.

I think you can do the same.

- You're going to sing? - Yes.

It's a very meaningful song, okay?

He poured his heart into it.

I can't wait to hear it.

You're right.

I will make an effort.

Thanks for the heads up, sweetie.

(Johnny) This is a song I wrote especially for this occasion

for my mom and her new bride.

[laughter]

And it's about family,

and it's about caring for each other.

[plays bluesy piano riff]

When the world wants to tear you down

Dragging you down

When it drops you like it shot you

To your knees

When the weight on your shoulders

Is too much to take

Put it on me, baby

Put it on me

When the night is descending

And your

Your demons are dark

When you can't find

Some faith you may need

(both) Oh baby

Fight the temptation

Until I arrive

Put it on me, baby

Put it on me

When there's no road to follow

Follow me

When you battle the bottle

Call on me

When you suffer

A sorrow

Hold on to me

Put it on me, baby

Put it on me

Put it on me, baby

Put it on me

[cheers and applause]

- (Elizabeth) Hello, suckers. - [piano flourish]

There's only room

For one old broad

On old Broadway

There's only one

It should be said

'Cause all the competition is demented or dead

You know the talent pool begins to thin

Dramatically

Dad, how long does she have?

I'd say...

at least five more songs.

(Ava) No, to live.

How long does she have to live?

- What? - She told me about the cancer.

You mean the polyp? I took that out weeks ago.

She said it was a tumor.

If that polyp is a tumor,

I'm Clarence fucking Clemons.

It was completely harmless and benign.

But you never know.

Early detection, everybody.

That's the key.

I'll keep right on performing

Till I shatter a hip

So she's not gonna die.

She already died once.

You guy never saw Vietnam: The Musical.

Every time I hit the stage, I'm gonna kill

If cancer couldn't stop me, honey

Nothing will

There's only room for one great broad

And that

Great

Broad

Is me

[cheers and applause]

Remember what I told you now, Gigi.

Get out when the getting's good.

Good night, guys.

(Gigi) Good night, Grandpa.

- Good night, Dad. - Good night, Dr. T.

Can we talk about my grandmother?

She's unbelievable. I knew from the moment she said, "Oh, thanks for the heads up,"

she didn't want to hear a note of the song.

She didn't care.

She didn't want to be upstaged by your voice.

Or your eyes or your tits. Your mom's a real head case.

I know.

Johnny, I never said this before,

but I'm proud of you, man.

- Why? - You took the high road.

And you two sang the shit out of that song.

- Yeah, we did. - Yep.

All right. Thanks.

That means a lot coming from you.

Can I sleep with your daughter now?

[laughter]

Asshole.

God damn it.

[gentle saxophone music]

(Ava) Honey, he's playing your song.

Yes, he is.

Can you picture yourself at his age,

sitting at home, couple of drinks in you,

just playing music for the pure pleasure of it.

You know what, Dad?

I think I can.

Except on my mantelpiece, there would be nine Grammys.

Ten. One of them would be mine.

No, no, they'd all be mine.

But I would thank you profusely for the third one.

I'd put it right next to my Oscar.

- What you get that for? - My Liza Minnelli biopic,

where I gained five pounds of face fat for the role.

(Johnny) Tell you what, you win nine Grammys,

one night, when you're not watching,

I'm stealing one and putting my name on it.

That's okay, I'll win another one.

[playing saxophone]

(Rehab) You should've seen her face.

[laughter]

Bobby Q, baby.

[moaning] - Bobby Q!

I won't tell if you won't tell.

(man) Don't give it up now

Don't give it up now

Don't give it up now

Take what you need

Don't ever give it all away

Sync and corrections by peterbrito www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0