All language subtitles for Secret Diary of a Call Girl s01e01.eng

Fix & Resync By Ind14n L33CH3r

I love London.

I love its rudeness, its lack of
community, its impatience.

I even love its weather.

But most of all I love the
anonymity.

The first thing you should know
about me is that I'm a whore.

In the world of children in bikinis
and grandmothers in fuck-me boots,

the surest way to tell a prostitute

is to look for the woman
in the designer suit.

Locate the lifts.
Glide past reception.

Look like
you know where you're going.

Don't attract too much attention.
Be fabulous but forgettable.

You should also know
that this isn't the real me.

Morning.

Escort. Hooker. Prostitute. Whore.

I don't mind what you call me,
that's just semantics.

There are as many different kinds of
working girls as there are people.

But I can tell you about me.

I should say up front
that I wasn't abused by a relative.

I've got no children to support

and I've never been addicted
to anything.

Except for maybe the fourth season
of The West Wing, but you know...

I'm very high class

which means I charge by the hour

and I charge a lot.

So why do I do it?

Well, I love sex and I love money.

And I know you don't believe
I enjoy the sex, but I do.

But I'm fundamentally lazy.

What I really like
is being my own boss.

Well, pretty much my own boss.

Obviously, I have an agent,
she vets all my clients.

Two lovely new gentlemen
for you today.

OK. 'An out-call this evening
and an in-call this afternoon. '

When?
Two o'clock.

It's half one now.
Is it?

Yes. You know I need
at least an hour's notice.

Well, shit, shower and shave,
sweetheart. He's on his way over.

I have certain rules.
Rule 1- keep life and job separate.

Personal. Work.

Private.

Professional.

Hannah. Belle.

And never the twain shall meet.

Thank you.

Rule No. 2- stay in control.

They sit down, I stand up.
Get the money first.

Yeah, I'll call after.

No problem. All right, bye.

Rule 3- safety.
Always check in with the agency.

So if I say "no problemo" instead of
"no problem" there's a problem.

Everything you need's in here.

Rule 4- hygiene. Mine and his.

I always use men's deodorant.

I never wear perfume.

A professional never lets her client
leave smelling of woman.

Convince them that you're wet
and you're halfway there.

Goes without saying.

And last but definitely not least,

work out what the client wants
as fast as you can.

And give it to him.

Come with me.

Tell me something
you fantasise about.

What do you mean?
Something that turns you on.

This.
Where are we doing this?

Where would you like to fuck me?

Oh.

Outside.

Oh, in an alleyway.

In a dirty alley.

Er... OK.

On a beach?

Er...
In a field?

On a farm?
Oh.

The field's on the farm.

I'm a country girl.
You're a farmer.

Or a stable boy that seduced me.

Can you see the stables?
Yeah, of course I can.

Can you smell the horses?
I can smell the horses.

They're making noises in the stalls,
getting very excited.

Horses have giant cocks, don't they?

Oh, yes. Yes, they do.

Maybe you should take me
to the stable.

Don't fuck the horse!
I'm not even gonna get close.

It's too big.

What's it doing?
The horse?

The stallion, it's out of control.

It's far too big. It sounds like
it's going to break the stall door.

They're powerful horses!

Very... powerful... horse.

I tell everyone
I'm a legal secretary

for one of those huge
international law firms.

You know, the ones that need staff
at night to meet contract deadlines.

It's so boring no-one asks about it.

I can't even tell my best friend Ben
what I do for a living.

Best custard tart in London, that.

See the crust? That's not a machine,
that's hand-made.

I thought Vanessa had you on a diet.
She does.

I'm living on fucking tofu
but I eat leftovers at the club.

You've been fatter.
I never put you on a diet.

In every other way
you're the worst girlfriend ever.

What?
Don't mess about.

You never!
Look at the size of your chops!

That's really nice.
Give it. Yes, I do.

Fancy a game of
"spoilt little rich girl"?

We haven't done that in a while?
That one.

I think this is lovely.
Shame the pool's so small, though.

We're not making a decision based on
pool size, Benjamin!

It's a bit shit, though.

Let's go on in.

Oh, lush! This is perfect!

Beautiful fireplace.
Oh, yeah, great.

Barrister or QC?
No way. Stock broker.

It's owned by a retired barrister
who wants to move out of London.

He still loves the property.

Sash windows.
Ya, I love a sash.

Love it. Why don't you try the
acoustics? She trained in Vienna.

Plays incredible Chopin.
That's terribly rude, Benjamin.

Plays like an angel.

Thanks very much. Goodbye.

Chopin, you cunt!

How does anyone ever afford to buy a
house in London?

It's just about making the money.

Four Seasons - Spring

It's a nice hotel.

Not big enough for an Arab. Not
expensive enough for an American.

Not trendy enough for a young
professional. He'll be over 50.

Long-term married.

First time with an escort so I'm
guessing he'll be newly retired

which has led to a drop in self-esteem
and a need to feel powerful and special.

This is why I'm good at my job.

Belle?

Daniel?
Hi.

Right, we'll get a drink, shall we?

Why don't you just try lying back?
Sorry.

Oh, God. God.

Look at that, the hour's all gone.
Don't worry.

No, look, I can't afford -
Don't worry, we'll get there.

You just need to relax.

Er... why don't you watch me
have a play?

That's extraordinarily nice of you,
it's just...

I have to er...

I'm going to have to go actually.

What? You're not staying here?

No, I can't. I'm not a huge fan
of hotels, really.

But you stay if you want.
I've already paid online.

On my own?

Well, if you like.

I'm just offering so as not to
waste... any of...

Thank you, though.
Thanks for your time.

And I'm sorry...

Belle.

Enchante.
I- I-I'm sorry.

Is there anything in particular
I haven't -

Oh, no, no. It's just...

Good night.

Well, that's a first.

Thank you.

Just put it there, thank you.

No-one else?

Oh, well, probably for the best.

Can't have anyone getting too hefty.

And last but not least, Rachel.

I make it 2,300.
No, it's 2,000.

Rachel, look at me,
with my books, my records.

Now look at you. With your roots.

It's 2,300, sweetheart.

I owe you the 300.
Yes, you do.

Now, ugly mugs.

This gentleman has been all over
town with fraudulent money.

Shiny notes. He tried it on
with one of Bruce's girls.

She said he spoke with an accent.
Eastern European.

You can't say that.
No, it's racist.

You can't be racist
against Eastern Europeans.

You can be prejudiced.
I'm prejudiced, then.

Then we're all agreed.
They are my people.

Funny you're Swedish on the site,
then.

Enough.

Right, that's your lot.

Where's Fiona?

Apparently her bloke saw her photo
on the Internet.

Recognised the underwear he bought
her for Christmas.

I should get my pictures more
pixilated.

No-one is getting more pixilated.

They can barely make out your gender
as it is.

I couldn't bear it if my parents
found out.

Ladies, I've got another lot here in
a minute.

And keep things free. Holiday
season coming up and all that.

My young one from the other night,
Daniel, did you hear from him?

Yes. He rang to book again,
actually.

But I gave him someone else.

He was more specific this time.
What did he want, then?

He asked for "girl next door".
He said jeans, no make-up.

Takes all sorts, I suppose.
Who have you given him to?

Rachel.
Rachel. ?300-short Rachel?

Are you playing me?

Now stop asking favours.

If you're not going to eat anything,
fuck off.

Hello. Yes, Gabriella is free.
Six o'clock is fine. Thank you.

You know, I would order something

but I'd be worried
you'd take 40% of my food.

Sorry, I know you were expecting
someone else.

Oh, no, no.

Rachel's not well. It's not good.

Right. Well, hurray!

Well, not hurray -
So you've got me

without the miracle
of hair and make-up.

No, I like it.

Er... we can put you
in a nice hot shower if you -

Oh, yeah, of course.

Why do you wear shoes
in your own flat?

Sorry?

It's just... it looks like you're on
your way out.

Are you a fan of feet, then?

Not like that.

Hello.

No problem.

I'll call you after. OK.

My girlfriend and I were together
for four years.

And it's difficult.

I mean, I meet other girls.

I like some of them.

But after half an hour or so

I just realise how little I
appreciated...

When did you find out?
At a party.

She was with her chap.

She's nine months. She's like...
She's right out.

She looked exactly like
I always imagined she would.

My sister's nine months pregnant
and looks like a Volvo.

You don't have to do the other one.

No, I do. I have to do both.
I have a thing.

I like symmetry.

Square numbers and palindromes.
What's a palindrome again?

A word that's spelt the same
backwards as forwards

like noon, level -
Hannah.

Hannah.

You're Hannah?

Yeah.

'Hi, this is Ben. I can't take your
call now. Leave me a message. '

.. and now I'm asking you
to give him someone else.

I'm unpredictable like that.

I don't know,
tell him whatever you want.

You're not gonna believe
what I found.

I was quite a spoilt little girl
when I was younger.

And one of the many lessons I had...

Now, what I want to know is who
wears this?

You or me?

'Sometimes it's not the youngest or
the richest clients you want,

or the ones you have most in common
with.

For me, the perfect partner is one
where I never have to be myself. '

Sometimes I get paid to do the
things I've always wanted to do.

The most prestigious adult party in
the country.

Oh, shit.
Sorry. I know him from somewhere.

I was this close
to having the best sex ever.

I like your work, by the way.
I like your work, too.

Is it just me, or are you a little
overdressed for work, dear?

Maybe later on when you are really
desperate I will fuck you.

Fix & Resync By Ind14n L33CH3r

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STUART CAMPBELL

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