Original subtitles

[Jen sighs]

Ma, I can't take your canned peaches.

Sure you can. I don't mind.

No, I actually can't. It says "Best Before 2008."

So, it not the best. It still okay.

We can give them to Lewis and Nate for murdering that fungus under our stove.

Nice Asian boy would kill

- fungus for free. - Not this again.

Nice Asian boy wouldn't send you to Mommy's house to steal food.

Nice Asian boys don't steal food from home because they still live there.

Exactly why you should date one.

[Ma sighs]

This is what I get for letting you

hang poster of sexy Mike Tyson on wall when you were kid.

Ma, that was Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Because you turn your back on your culture,

don't write Chinese, eat French-Canadian fries...

with American cheese!

Jenny is bad Asian.

What? [clicks mouth] I'm...

I'm the best Asian.

In fact, Mo and I are throwing an Asian Night party...

this weekend.

Asian Night?

All our highly-successful, mostly-engaged,

- semi-friends together in one room? - Mm-hm.

I'd prefer my self-esteem intact.

[sighs] Come on.

We're the first of our friends to move out.

We'll finally be... coolio

I was always coolio.

Seems like Mo self-esteem, pretty solid.

Oh, tea egg! [grunts]

Well, it was.

Hm?

[theme music]

Sync & Corrections by PetaG www.addic7ed.com

- _ - This party is pathetic.

Pathetic things elicit feelings. This just elicits an existential void.

Well, at least I don't feel so guilty for not inviting Nate and Lewis.

I should text Garth not to come.

What? You invited the guy I may be dating

and haven't quite figured things out with yet,

to our Night of the Living Lame?

Garth is my friend, and my boss,

and I needed half a day off to plan this shindig.

[inhales]

You know what? I'm gonna text him to bring some snacks,

'cause those two are about to rampage that last pretzel.

(Jen) My mom was right.

I've gotten so used to white people bring-your-own everything parties,

I have forgotten how to be a good Asian host...

feed them 'til they're full, then feed them 'til they cry.

_

Thank you so much, Hsu.

It is so helpful having a landlord live so close.

I just didn't know anyone else in the area.

_

Emergency?

You know, the English on here is harder to read than the Chinese.

"Crystal noodle shrimp dumpling."

I mean, what is that?

Har Gaow.

Okay, well, it should say that then.

Right there. In Chinese.

See, this is why I think we need a phonetic alphabet.

This one's the best. It's also the cheapest.

The cheapest is always best.

Irony.

- You want me to order for you? - Oh, no.

I may not be able to read the Chinese, or understand the English,

but I can certainly speak to my people.

Thank you.

Oh, also... I may need to send in my rent cheque a week late this month.

_

Thanks! Bye!

[quietly] Okay.

[phone ringing]

[speaking in broken Cantonese]

Dumplings. Yeah, I know. Tricky tonal language.

Uh... [speaking broken Cantonese]

Hello. I brought some Chinese food.

I know it's a little on the nose, but I hope that's okay.

[laughing]

- [mixed conversations] -

Jen, this party finally found a way to suck harder than Final Fantasy 12.

- You saw Alister? - Yes!

Can we kick everyone out now, please?

We can tell them I found a middle-aged man in the wall. It's only half a lie.

We can't kick out the Asians. That's the pure definition of "Bad Asian."

Kim Jong-un is a bad Asian. You're fine.

Maybe we just don't relate to our friends in the suburbs anymore.

Maybe we need to open up to our family of colour in the city.

Are you over-suggesting what I think you're over-suggesting?

- Pose! [phone camera clicks] - Huh?!

Tweet it. Share it. I'll go on the Facebook groups.

[typing] "Party here."

"Invite. Hashtag..."

- "Downtown Asians"! - "Downtown Asians"?

That felt weird saying it together.

Yeah, that's how Freaky Fridays happen.

[sighing]

Nate, what are we doing?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that it's Saturday night

and we're cooped up in our little apartment eating...

what are these things?

They're lemon drops with a pink peppercorn sprinkle.

- What else could they be? - I'm not talking about the cookies.

I'm talking about you and your situation.

Jen and... and Garth? Who cares about these people?

What do you want, huh? What does Nate want?

'Cause I'll tell you what I want. I want us to get back out there.

- Okay, do... do you hear that? - [muffled music, voices]

Yeah. Hang on a second.

Tamagotchi!

What's goin' on? How are we doin'?

What's goin' on down there? Is something goin' on? What's goin' on?

My besties, Jen and Mo, are having a get-together.

Get-together? Okay.

Now, what kind of get-together are we talking about here?

Are we talking about, uh, is it like kind of a classy joint,

kinda like flutes of champagnes, or is it...

does it get... does it get dirty?

It's an Asian Night.

Okay. Okay.

Lewis, I found this delicious apple crumble recipe.

It is going to...

You listen to me, you listen to me very carefully, okay?

Our prayers have been answered.

Right now, downstairs, "Asian Night."

Well, unless that title is ironic,

I believe the preferred guests are "Asians."

What are you... What does that even... No, man,

I'm like South-Asian-y enough lookin' and I know you love Asians.

So, come on, let's go, please? Please? Please?

I don't know. Man, I just...

Nate, you're my best friend and I love you,

and you're the smartest guy I know.

But right now, I need you to get on board

with doing something really, really stupid.

What do you say?

Okay, you know what? I can't believe I'm about to say this, but, um,

let's do it! You know, let's, uh, throw in the towel.

Blow the whistle. Get into the second half.

I'll do whatever sport analogies you wanna use, let's do that, okay?

First things first. Let's get you changed, okay,

and, number two, let's get me into a really tight shirt.

- What do ya think? - Let's do it!

Go!

What is the max jail sentence for sewing a person's mouth shut?

'Cause Damien Lam just spoke to me about day-trading for 16 consecutive minutes.

Well, no one's going to be talking while they are eating

delicious, authentic Chinese food at our delicious, authentic Asian Night

hosted by two delicious, authentic Asians.

Can you not refer to us as "delicious"?

Chicken balls? General Tso's beef?

Are you serving westernized Chinese food at our Asian Night?

Hey, it is the best kind of Chinese food... free.

Okay, Alister brought it.

- Course, he did. - But,

it is all about... presentation.

It looks like appropriation.

Okay, we have to feed them something.

[doorbell ringing]

(Both) Downtown Asians!

- We did it again. - It felt worse this time.

- [party music playing] - [mixed conversations]

I don't know about this.

Yeah. Yeah, something's not right. Let's do this.

There we go. Let it out, you know, be free.

- Let's mingle. - Okay.

- I think... - Oh, no, no, no. Don't think.

Just do. Stupid. Remember?

No.

Because I'm "stupid."

Yeah, ya are. Boom!

[mixed conversations]

Look at all our peeps. [laughs]

- Hey. - Hey.

Garth, you're here.

I'm here. How's the... [laughing]

- Right. [laughing] - Right. [laughing]

Uh, I didn't really know what food to bring for Asian Night,

so, off-brand potato chips.

Actually, accurate.

[self-mocking laugh]

You didn't answer my text. I was thinking we could

- grab a minute... - Have you seen

all the kinds of Asians we have here?

Yes, apparently, we are Pok?mon and you have to catch us all.

We have the...

Academic Asian,

the Metrosexual Asian,

not to be confused with the K-Pop Asian,

the Hip Hop Asian,

and we even have a token "Egg"...

white on the outside, yellow on the inside.

Alister?

He's really more of an Easter cream egg.

Mo, mingle. Garth, relax. Jen, host.

I've never actually met somebody who speaks in the third person.

You should see when she speaks in the fourth.

_

Okay. Sure.

Karen and Alister?

If we lock the door, maybe we can seal them in.

Hey, you didn't tell me Karen was coming.

_

- [gasps] - _

- You speak Mandarin? - Hey, I dated a girl from Taiwan.

You dated a girl?

My parents taught me Mando so I could travel in and out of China easily

when I inherit all of their houses.

- Well, that's just common sense. - Mm-hm.

I mean, it is the country's national language, after all. Right?

_

Well, my family is from Hong Kong, so, it's too bad you Can't-O.

I speak Cantonese.

_

And I'm sorry if my ex-fianc? shows up.

He still feels very connected to me spiritually.

But I'm sure you heard we broke up. We were really trending for a bit.

We blocked your feed after the first three times

we didn't wanna hear from you.

Well, my doctor brain is just so filled with with endometrial biopsies,

I can't remember... what do you speak, Mo?

English.

Right, but you're like Japanese, right?

Actually, I am a complex mix...

majestic like a narwhal, but murdery like a liger.

Mo, play nice.

Why don't I freshen your guys' drinks up, hm?

- Tap water? Soy milk? - Poison?

You know what? We'll surprise you.

[laughs]

_

So pretty.

- And probably Karen's. - [shoes thud]

Figures my sister would be arranging shoes at her own party.

Eric. What are you doing here?

I'm the least of your worries.

Mommy had to see to believe.

[Ma laughs insincerely]

I am so happy that Jenny finally embracing her culture and people.

[Jen laughs nervously]

So, these are my apricot pockets... it's not my best work,

and I know that people don't really like apricots in pastries,

but I was kind of in a rush today with my roommate Lewis.

I'm sure he'll introduce himself to you at some point.

- (Jen) Nate? Ah... - Yeah?

- Can I talk to you? - Yeah, for sure. Just one second.

Jen, I... I know I wasn't invited and I probably shouldn't even be here,

but, you know, I do feel like I'm gaining a deep appreciation

- for the rich culture and history... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My family is here, and so is Garth, and...

I think Mo may have just trapped some party guests in the laundry room.

That sounds like something she would do.

- Are these apricot? - Yeah, I know.

It's the only thing I had in my fridge.

No, I love them.

They're so cute and little and I used to eat them when I was eight

watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

I love that movie! "We belong to...

(Both) ...nobody and nobody belongs to us." [laughing]

You know, I've been saying a lot of things in unison today. It's stupid.

Stupid? You're doing stupid things? Nice.

Apricot? What? Why?

[scoffs]

I better get back to hosting.

People are starting to use found objects as coasters.

Save me like five of these? No, six.

And Jen...

You look really pretty.

Busy, busy, busy. Um, you wanna take a break? Maybe have a drink?

You're outta soya milk, but there's probably still water in the tap.

- [laughs] - I hope.

Tempting, uh, but, you know, I don't wanna get water marks on this table.

Didn't you guys find those in a dumpster?

Yeah, it took a whole weekend to buff out the blood.

Oh, my God...

[ethereal music plays]

[Asian techno returns]

[ethereal music with a sexy beat added]

Blood... Asian... Oh, my God... I don't...?

What are you looking at? Oh, my God!

[sexy ethereal music resumes]

[sound of water dripping]

So, as my grandmother lay on her deathbed...

I whispered in her ear, "It's okay. You can go now.

I got into med school."

But choosing this path has come with a price.

I had to give up my swimsuit modelling career.

[young women gasping]

[Ma sighs]

Okay, so what does he have that I don't have?

Seriously?

He's got like perfect bone structure, great hair, medical degree.

But at least your grandma's not dead.

_

So, that's how my parents immigrated.

That's so sad...

and shiny.

This is your party, right?

Birthed it with my mind.

Well, it's rad to see such a young woman embracing her culture.

[giddy giggle]

Yeah, I mean, totally, like oxygen's the most important thing,

and then, you know, my heritage and family.

Are those your parents?

- Ignore them. - No, it's wicked-cool. I mean...

you never know how long they're gonna be here, right?

You look like an art statue.

Okay...

[scoffs]

[giddy laugh]

[laughs]

- [video game sound effects] - [knocking]

- Hey. - Hey, G.

Hey, I got you your favourite part.

- Chip dust? - Yeah.

Sweet. I just need a sec. I'm raiding this terrorist den.

Oh, here, put me in, coach.

- I need a medic. - Medic...

Can I be like a priest or something? That's a lot of pressure.

My parents always wanted me to be in the clergy.

Well, you do get bonus points for giving last rites.

_

Hey, have you seen a container of these Apr...

My dude, ah, do you mind if I grab that?

How about I, uh, trade for a chip?

- Come on, man, it's for a girl. - There you are, man.

I feel like we never talk anymore. What's been goin' on in your world?

Well, I was looking for my pastries.

I promised Jen that I would save some for her.

She's not savin' herself for you.

- I'm sorry? - Nothing. Um...

Hey, uh, here's a stupid idea.

Why don't we just like stay in this kitchen for like the rest of the night?

- Lewis, have you been drinking? - Drinking! Yeah, let's go do that.

Let's go do that right through that window.

Sounds like a stupid idea, doesn't it?

No, I think I'm just gonna go find Jen.

Jenny close-talking with Asian supermodel in living room.

[sighs] Mm.

Fruit in baked goods? Whoa.

Mo, Mo, I think my mom's put something in my tap water,

because I'm digging this hot Asian.

What you doing?

Uh, bludgeoning his head with a baseball bat?

[laughs] Um... we are playing video games.

- In bed? - On bed.

You were evolving into super host, and Garth was super bored.

I can give you two some space.

No, no, no, I think I should give you two some space.

- Jen... - Mo...

I can give you two some space, if you want... Sp...

Unless you wanted this space for space,

if you wanna hang out with your hot Asian friend.

Also, if you know hot Asian friend's name,

I'd really like to not call him hot Asian friend anymore.

Listen, Garth... I'm not...

- Look, Jen, I... - Look, I...

- You... - I... uh...

- Same? - [laughs] Same. Totally same.

[sighs] Yes!

- Good. - Good.

I'm gonna just put pause on whatever that was.

Since when are you into random dudes?

It's a confusing and glorious time.

Mo, kill this Tetris, or, you... you know, whatever you do in games.

I... I don't play games, but you two do, So...

[speaks Cantonese]

What does that mean?

It means "How are you?".

_

Harrison...

I've only ever said this to one other human,

and it was Stephen Chow in "Kung Fu Hustle,"

but you are fly! [laughing]

Thanks.

Whoa, um, you seem really fly, but, uh,

I'm just not into Asian girls.

First I'm not Asian enough, now I'm too Asian?

No, it's not that. It's just I tried dating my peeps once,

and I got pretty badly burned.

Are you kidding me?

First I think I'm connecting with people from my own culture,

then it turns out I'm being humiliated by the most beautiful man on Earth.

_

So, we're not over?

Okay, hold on.

You broke up with him?

You're the rich fianc??

Yes, but seeing you humiliate Jen at her own party,

in front of all these people, is crazy hot.

It's like watch two angels French.

[sighs]

Go be stupid, bro.

[sighs]

[chuckles quietly]

[laughs]

[video game ending music playing]

[door opens]

I thought you should know Jenny left the party. She's pretty upset.

Eric, you could do so much better.

[door closes]

- [gentle music plays] - [clears throat]

Hey, Jen. Are you okay?

[clears throat] Yeah.

Your, uh, apricot pockets were the high-light of the evening.

[laughs] And, actually, I saved you one.

[laughing]

You saved me one in your pocket.

That was pretty stupid.

Stupid is good.

[laughs]

Man, I love Lewis.

Did you just say you love Lewis?

[sighing]

[door opening]

Wow, well, I definitely feel less guilty for trying to kiss you now.

Shut up, Garth Vader.

Well, making out with the whitest guy since powder

isn't exactly how I imagined Asian Night.

Jen, being Asian is part of you, but it is not all of you.

Who cares if you don't know anything about John Woo

or the current president of China.

- It's Xi Jin... - Meh!

We're each other's people.

Well, then, speaking of people.

- How'd it go with Garth? - Meh.

We'll talk about it later.

I'm too tungry right now.

- Tired-hungry? - Mm-hm.

Mmm, I am such a bad Asian. [both laugh]

(Ma) Living room all tidy.

Lewis, you can earn a living cleaning.

(Lewis) Ah, well, you know, if it's your passion, you never work a

- day in your life, right? - [Ma chuckles]

Hey, listen, everything's clean down here, so don't mess it up!

Also, Nate is sleeping upstairs like a baby.

So, don't wake him up!

(Ma) And Daddy and Eric sleeping in your bedroom,

where Mo got busy with her White boss.

[snaps fingers]

- (Mo) We're terrible Asians. - (Jen) Oh, yeah.

- [Mo & Jen laugh] - Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com

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