Original subtitles

As we all know, we have been pursuing famed designer, Jonathan Peterson

to represent his new line of ceramic housewares,

and I would like to announce that we have succeeded.

All: Yay!

But I can't, because you have all failed.

Sean, explain.

I called his studio four times and left messages. Liz, explain.

He never called back so we drove down there. Hunter, explain.

Nobody would let us in, which is when I said we should just give up,

but nobody listened. Sean, explain.

What happened next wasn't technically "breaking and entering,"

but we did accidentally "break a door" and then "enter."

Then a security guard chased us to our car.

I knocked over a trash can to slow him down,

'cause apparently I'm the only one who's ever seen an action movie.

Then Sean drove away like a bat out of hell

until he realized Liz and I were not yet in the car.

The point is, we made contact, and the ball's in his court.

I have an idea how we can get to Peterson.

You all could do your jobs.

I deserved that.

Hello. I'm here for lunch.

Oh, what long faces.

Who wants a butterscotch?

Ooh, I do.

Mom, you're a little early. We're in the middle of a meeting.

No, we're done. [Snaps]

Do you have anything in there to mask the stink of failure?

Yes, I do.

[Spritzing]

My God, look at that inventory.

Oh, I also have something in here for people with distracting coffee breath.

Liz, have you ever eaten a mint?

Well, not all of us can put our teeth in the dishwasher.

And a rare win for Liz.

I need to eat light at lunch.

Going to an early dinner with Bernard tonight

and I don't want to be bloated, know what I'm saying?

[Clicks tongue]

Mom.

I'm gonna clear all the bases tonight, know what I'm saying?

[Clicks tongue]

Why don't you just make a circle and poke your finger through it?

Don't be vulgar.

Look what's coming my way.

God, mom, your fiber shakes bringing all the boys to the yard.

- Daddy! - Max.

You are one fine mixed drink,

and I'd like to be the swizzle stick that stirs you up.

- Mom, you remember Lee? - Yes, I do. We went to dinner that time.

I didn't eat and I still got sick.

Father is in town on business.

And maybe while you're here, you can take me canoeing,

like you did in that story I once wrote.

I'm trying to close a few deals, and I'm hoping you'll be one of them.

Everything on my body is closed to you.

We're going to lunch. Max, good to see you.

Lee, here's hoping a chunk of cholesterol breaks loose in your neck.

See you later.

Your mom's a classy lady.

- I think so. - I'd like her to choke me with my tie.

You realize you and I barely know each other, right?

Do you and Lorna like hockey?

No.

Oh, but we once did go to Smucker's Stars on Ice.

I play golf with Joe Smuckers.

I can get you backstage passes, maybe a photo op with Kristi Yamaguchi.

- Are you serious? - The 'Guch owes me a favor.

That almost makes up for that disturbing choking comment.

Your dad knows a lot of people.

Yes, he even knows Jonathan Peterson, who you failed to reach.

What? Then why didn't you ask him to call Peterson for us?

We were chased off the guy's property.

A winded security guard threw up on my car.

Because father wants me to make it on my own. He will not help me.

But he might help you, just to show your mother what a big man he is.

Okay.

Okay, okay, how about this?

Why don't you two accidentally bump into us at lunch?

I'll mention I've been trying to get a meeting with Peterson.

Then your dad can impress my mom by making it happen.

That's a fantastic idea.

[Gasps]

Still my fault.

No, no, Jerry. This time I'm happy.

Oh.

I'm so hungry.

Season 1, Episode 11 "Trapped in the Closet (Part 2)"

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Let's see, what's less filling - soup or salad?

Don't you dare click at me again.

Oh, my God, look who's here. It's Max and Lee.

- What a coincidence. - Like hell it is. What's going on?

Okay, here's the deal. We need a favor from Lee,

and the only way he'll do it is if he thinks it'll impress you.

Play along and I'll take you to that Cirque du Soleil knockoff.

Oh, I love that one 'cause the girls are a little fat, so it looks more honest.

All right, fine. You're my son. I'll help you with your charade.

Good, and be nice. A little flirty wouldn't hurt either.

[Clicks tongue]

Oh, wow, look who is here.

Hey, son, I'm getting the weather report.

It's chilly today and hot tamale.

You still haven't got it.

(Thunk) Ow.

Big boy...

Would you two like to join us?

Spontaneity? Are you kidding? We would love to.

Well, I hate to bring up business at what is obviously a freak social encounter,

but, Sean, any progress getting to Jonathan Peterson?

Not really. He's impossible to reach. He's so above my station in life.

You know, I love all of his products,

and I would be so impressed if anyone knew him.

I'm assuming...?

Lee, you're grinning like the guy on the pringles can.

- Do you know him? - Charlie Pringles...?

Yeah, we play handball.

- No, Peterson, you big silly. - I'm kidding.

Yeah, I know Peterson. Gay guy, likes colors.

Would you be impressed if I had his number in this baby?

Well, dial it and let's find out.

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Oh, hey, Ellie. I think your dad's at lunch.

- Good, I'm here to see you. - Ooh, exciting.

I need some advice, and I can't talk to my dad about it.

Oh, I've been waiting for this moment. My little Ellie is...

Don't get gooey on me. I need you sharp.

Copy that.

So I got invited to this party,

but there won't be any parents home and there are gonna be make-out games.

Jake's gonna be there, who I kind of want to kiss,

but there are also gonna be some boys there that I don't want to kiss,

like Nick, who never doesn't have cheetos caught in his braces.

I don't want my dad to find out 'cause he'll just say I can't go.

- So what do I do? - Oh, don't worry, honey.

I know exactly what to do.

I have no idea what to do.

I don't know why she came to me.

She likes you. You're like a role model. God help her.

It's a lot of responsibility.

I didn't know what to say, so I told her I'd get back to her.

And to stay in school, because nobody can get mad at you for saying that to a kid.

- What do you think? - I feel that staying in school is key.

Ellie's never come to me for advice before,

and if I screw this up, she never will again.

- Come on, we can do this. - I really feel like we can't.

We were so poor, I walked through ten miles of snow

just to bring my grandmother a Christmas ham.

We had to tie our shoes with packing string

because real laces were too expensive.

So you guys grew up with The Little Rascals, or something?

- Children. They don't understand. - No.

I once waited two weeks for an iPhone.

Well, time to go make some money.

I'll call Peterson this afternoon. And you have been a delight.

And so have you.

Come on, son, I'll give you a ride.

Yes, I'm going to make money as well, father.

Well done, mom.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you weren't totally disgusted by Lee.

I'm not disgusted by Lee.

Yes, you are.

That man came from nothing and made something of his life.

That's admirable.

Mom, he's a pervert, not Abraham Lincoln.

He wants you to choke him with his tie.

Well, I'm not too old to learn new things.

Oh, my God, what is happening right now?

You can't be interested in him.

I'm not interested, but I'm not not interested.

What happened to Bernard? Remember Bernard?

[Clicking tongue]

Bernard?

Bernard is fine, but compared to Lee, he's a little dull.

Plus, he always looks like he's chewing something.

I forbid you to go out with Lee.

It's gonna make things weird with Max and me.

And Lee's a barbarian, I don't want you to be with a guy like that.

Relax, dear.

I'm gonna still see Bernard later,

but now he's got a little competition, that's all.

- So let's get some dessert. - Dessert...?

What happened to feeling bloated and not sexy tonight?

Eh, it's just Bernard.

Ugh, I did not sleep well.

I was worried all night my mom wasn't having sex with Bernard.

I didn't sleep well either, because I'm trying to keep something from you.

I slept like a baby, if anybody's wondering.

So what's going on?

[Sighs]

Ellie isn't sure if she wants to go to a make-out party,

so she came to me for advice.

Why didn't she come to me?

Because she was afraid you'd just say no.

Well, of course I'd say no. It's a make-out party.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Jake's gonna be there, and he's cool, but then there's this other guy, Nick.

Ugh, Cheetos Nick?

Lord, I just want to tell the kid, "Try an apple."

Anyway, thanks for telling me. I'll talk to Ellie about it.

No, no, no. Then she'll know that I violated her confidence

and she'll never trust me again.

And then for the rest of her teenage years, you'll be in the dark.

And she'll be in the dark doing crack.

Scared yet?

Okay, I'll figure out something you can tell Ellie.

By the way, why is she doing crack in the dark?

Do it in a well-lit hotel room, like a mayor.

Sean, disaster, your office.

I'm not saying there's been a disaster in your office.

I'm saying we need to discuss a disaster while in your office.

I'm not ruling out that there has been a disaster in your office.

I don't know. All will be revealed when we reach your office.

Okay, I'll get back to you with an Ellie plan.

In the meantime, I have to go to my office, if it's still there.

We don't know.

All will be revealed.

Sean, are you aware that our parents went out for a drink last night?

No, they didn't. My mom was with Bernard. Go Team Bernard.

He's a pharmacist who drives a sensible car, and I love him.

No, she ditched Bernard so she could boogie the night away with my father.

Are you kidding me?

Thanks for nothing, Bernard, you soft-spoken coatrack.

They're seeing each other again tonight.

Sean, I cannot have my father marrying your mother.

What?

That's crazy. My mom's never gonna marry your dad.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Easy for you to say, but every five years or so,

my father chases down some woman like a bull after a rodeo clown,

and right now, your mother is that clown.

My mother is not a rodeo clown. If anything, she's the bull.

Then my dad is the matador.

Then I'm the owner of the bullfighting ring which used to be a rodeo.

My point is, I am putting a stop to this, all right?

I don't want my mom with a guy

who uses his Martini olives to put nipples on dinner rolls.

Good, you're engaged. I like that.

I have a strained relationship with my father,

and I cannot lose him again to another wicked stepmother.

Hey, my mom is not...

Well, actually, I can see how you might come to that conclusion.

Okay, I'm here, and now I'm late.

- What did you have to tell me? - Sit down.

I'm gonna say this as nicely as possible, okay?

Please don't see Lee tonight

because he is vile, crude, boorish, and I hate him.

I'm seeing Lee tonight.

Then promise me you won't move things along too quickly.

Does sleeping with him count as "too quickly"?

Yes.

- Oh, don't be such a prude. - I'm not a prude.

Look, if you really wanna have "sehhh" with some "mehhh,"

then I don't have a problem with that, all right?

But I think you deserve better than this guy.

Look, I know Lee is crass on the outside,

but inside, he's intelligent, he's interesting,

he can dance, and if he's good in the sack,

I'm riding this train as far as it goes.

- Hello, Lorna. You look nice. - Thank you, Max.

Now, see, this one is polite and he minds his own business.

Please don't marry my daddy.

Sean, you said you were going to put a stop to this,

and yet father says tonight he's going to throw a hump into your mother.

You could have said, "Make love to my mother"...

Actually, that's not sitting well either.

My point is, father is leaving town tomorrow.

If we can stop them from consummating tonight,

it'll buy us time to think of a more long-term solution.

How do we keep them apart?

My mom's practically got landing lights on her thighs.

I've been scheming.

And...?

I've come up with nothing.

Oh, God.

They're gonna go to dinner. They'll go back to his room.

He will take his "boom boom" pills,

which he says puts the hustle in his muscle,

and then you and I will will end up

wearing matching sailor suits in a family portrait.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What if he doesn't have his boom boom pills?

Do the math. No boom boom.

Right, so what if we go to his hotel room

while they're at dinner and steal his pills?

And maybe some fancy shampoos and a shower cap, because they expect that.

That's great. This is a fantastic idea.

I feel like we should hit our fists together and make an exploding sound.

Let's... let's see how the evening goes first.

El cuarto del ba?o es la capital de los huevos.

My Spanish isn't great, but I think you just said,

"The bathroom is the capital of eggs."

Also, that maid was Polish.

She understood the $4 I slipped her pretty well.

Oh, look, there's my mom's purse. I'm starving.

There's got to be something to eat in here.

Oh, look, grapes.

Ooh, protein bar. That looks good.

Ooh, aleve. I've got a splitting headache.

Ooh, a compass. You don't see those much anymore.

Fine, you stay here and run errands in my mom's purse.

I'll look for the Viagra.

In a million years, did you ever see our parents doing this?

No.

I didn't think there was a woman alive

who could keep my dad away from the Asians.

Ooh, ooh, I found them!

Get the keycard out of my pocket, sweetheart. My hands are full.

[Laughs]

- Full of me. - Mm...

Quick, the bathroom! We'll hide behind the shower curtain.

There's no shower curtain. It's all beveled glass. It's so gorgeous.

- This card doesn't work. - That's my credit card, sweetheart.

Oh, well, I'll just keep that.

- The closet! The closet! - The closet, go.

[Keycard scanner beeps]

Good meal, good wine, now let's have a good time.

Phew, that was close.

Yeah, lucky us.

Now we have a front-row seat to the worst show ever.

I liked the way you shredded that waiter tonight for not refilling our breadbasket.

Well, how dare he tell us we've had enough pretzel rolls?

Mm.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go freshen up.

Oh, don't be long. Seriously, don't be long.

I've had champagne, and without a little action,

I'll be asleep in, like, four or five minutes.

- I'm feeling a little bit weird. - Don't worry, we'll be out of here soon.

Your dad won't find his pills, the evening will go South, and my mom will leave.

Yes, and then father will fall asleep and we will sneak out.

Yeah. Quick question. He only uses pills, right?

There's no backup steam pump or anything?

No, no. He briefly dabbled in shots, but brother, you got to really want it.

- Damn it. - What's the matter?

There's no gentlemanly way to say this,

but I seem to have misplaced my engorgement pills.

LORNA: Oh, that's okay. I have some.

Oh.

Here they are. A girl is always prepared.

Lady, I want you in my bunker.

But this is an aleve bottle.

Yes, I keep them in there so my son won't find them when he's looking for grapes.

Wait a minute. You took some of those pills.

Yes, which explains the weird feeling I'm having

which has traveled South and turned into a raging predicament.

- Oh, are you freaking serious? - Yes, Sean.

I'm afraid I'm trapped in a closet with an erection that just won't quit.

[Groans]

You just described how I spent my 20s.

So, Jake, I hope you're okay

with missing the party tonight and coming here instead.

Are you kidding?

I was only going to that party to hang out with you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Plus, this is, like, the best cheeseburger I've ever had.

This is, like, the best cheeseburger I've ever had.

I know this was all Sean's idea,

but I still feel pretty good about how we handled it.

Yeah, Sean may have solved the problem, but who threw it in his lap?

Both: Us.

Sean, I don't want you to be alarmed, but I may have to unbuckle my pants.

They're new, and I don't want to rip them.

Okay, okay, I am alarmed.

Try thinking of something horrible, like...

Flesh-eating bacteria.

You know who's attractive? Keira Knightley.

[Cell phone rings]

What's that?

I'm getting a text.

Aw, Liz sent me a picture of Ellie.

- She's on her first date with a boy. - Who cares?

Thanks to those pills, so am I.

- It's our idiot kids. - Oh, my God.

- Let's screw with their heads. - Let's.

Lady, why don't you take that dress off?

Or better yet, let me rip it off with my teeth.

[Laughs] Do it, you beast.

And then when you're done with me, I'll stagger home in my robe.

I can't listen to that and have you like this.

Stop moving around. I can feel the wind hitting my area.

[Shudders]

I have to get out of here. Attention, naked parents!

There are children in here.

Dismount!

We're coming out.

We knew you were in there, you weirdos.

Oh.

[Laughs]

That's funny! This is funny, huh?

Come on, let's all laugh about it.

That was lonely.

- Son, come out. - No, thank you.

I can't believe you.

Well, I can't believe myself.

I hope I've learned a valuable lesson from tonight.

And no ice cream for me.

You always complain that I butt into your life,

and then you come over here and do...

- What exactly are you doing? - Making a big mistake.

But it's hard not to get involved in the life of someone you care about and...

Oh, my God, I sound like you.

My sweet boy.

Look what you went through to protect your mother.

I've always wanted this kind of devotion.

But not tonight.

I was looking forward to trying that thing with the tie.

[Groans]

I'm sorry also, father.

Way to go, dill weed.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, this whole thing happened

because you were so cold to your son,

he was afraid to ask you for a favor.

Yeah, why can't you show Max some love, you mean old moose?

My son disappoints me constantly, but I love him.

All right.

Max, I know I don't show it,

but sometimes I suppose I love you.

So come out here and give your dad a hug.

I've been waiting my entire life to hear that, father.

But you know what? I'll call you.

So we could play cards,

or backgammon, or cribbage,

or you could just have a pomegranate.

Mom, if you want, I'm fine with you going back to the hotel

and having you know what with you know who.

It's all right, dear. I'll see him the next time he's here.

You know, with you in that closet and Max in that state,

let's just say you know how to turn a gal off.

[Clicks tongue]

You know what I'm saying?

I think Max wins the award for most sexually scarred by the evening.

I wonder how he's doing.

I'm sorry to wake you, father. I thought you were asleep.

That's okay, son.

Well, if I wasn't proud of you before, I certainly am now.

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