Original subtitles

Previously on Scream Queens...

Like 20 years or so ago, a girl died in this tub.

She had a baby during a party

and the sisters let her bleed out cause they were having so much fun.

PETE: There's no record of any of these names except for one.

We have to find her.

ROGER: Oh, my God, there's two of them!

You're the killer.

(typewriter keys clacking)

("Law & Order" stinger plays)

It's all about you... I own Halloween. It's my jam.

Halloween is the most important day of the year.

It's the one day on the Gregorian calendar

where you're allowed to go around terrifying children

and not be branded a psychopath.

I am a future network news anchor

who's super classy and has almost no fat on her body.

But a lot of my fans are, like, friendless, dumpy coeds

at this or that nursing school

in one of this country's various national armpits.

And Chanel-o-ween is the one time of year

where I can give these precious donkeys

something to look forward to.

They put down their Hot Pockets and bask in the warm glow

of what it feels like... to love me.

It's all about (laughs)

You... Chanel-o-ween is approaching, so I went shopping

with my comatose grandmother's credit card

and bought presents.

This severed hand... is for Malloreigh.

(gasps)

These razor apples--

for Daisy.

Oh, my gosh!

(excited squealing)

Go... Oh, my God!

It's all about It's Chanel-o-ween! Aah!

You... (shrieks)

Oh, my God, it says my name!

It's her writing and everything!

"Heather, I hope the severed leg brightens up your trailer park."

(crying): "You're a bright light in my life,

"and I wanted you to know

how much you impress me with your frumpy spirit."

Ooh!

"You are so devastatingly mediocre and adorable"!

Oh, my gosh!

"I can't wait to see you in person,

"but before that, I'd like to see you post this

"all over social media, to exploit it for my own gain.

Happy Chanel-o-ween."

It's all about you... Oh, my God!

Aah! It's a rotting jack-o'-lantern!

Aah! This box is just filled with blood!

It's all about you... (squealing)

She got me a razor apple!

(screams)

Chanel gave me a dead head!

"Dear Riley, I stole this cadaver head

from an ophthalmology student just for you."

(crying)

There's this woman, Susan, who's always posting sad videos

of herself online, and she lives someplace horrible.

So... I guess we're just gonna have to drive to Susan's house

and deliver some Chanel-o-ween presents in person.

(doorbell chimes) (gasping, laughing)

It's all about you... Hi, Susan.

For you.

It's all about (sobbing)

You...

It's all about

You... Thank you so... much!

You're the most important person in the world.

I would do anything...

for you, Chanel.

I love you so much.

You are a star...

Bright...

(indistinct radio communication) (sirens wailing in distance)

So you didn't see anyone in a Red Devil costume

entering or leaving the house?

No, sir, I did not.

One last question.

Are you coming to the precinct pig roast this year?

Because your heavenly hash

is to die for.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Thank you, dean. You're free to go.

- Thank you. - Whoa, whoa, wait.

Alright, stop.

What, that's it?

Dean Munsch has been a pillar in this community

for over three decades.

To suggest in any way

that she is somehow involved with these killings

is a risible notion that, frankly, I find offensive.

Come on, she's obviously the killer!

Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown,

strapped myself into a skintight pleather Red Devil costume,

climbed out a second-story dormer,

and shimmied to the ground with a chain saw

before entering a window I had left open,

tried to kill you, then leapt out the window,

climbed back up the wall, changed back into my nightgown,

and raced downstairs, all in the course of about 90 seconds?

Yes! That is exactly what we mean to suggest, Dean.

Weston... (laughs softly)

this has been

a terrifying night, and, uh...

you're an overwhelmed single father

who's back on the dating scene, and...

clearly that's got you a little freaked out.

I'm not gonna hold any of this against you,

and I'm gonna let you be my date

for the faculty Halloween party.

We...

are going...

as Bo Peep...

and her sheep.

Listen up.

Attempted murder!

A guy was almost killed tonight, okay?

This-this-this golf-frat douche bag

got his arms chopped off

by a chain saw.

Now-now, no, I'm not a detective,

hell, I ain't even a cop,

but what I am

is somebody who watched

every one of those Cosby Mysteries, okay?

So I can tell you that when you go out there

and you get those fingerprints

off the chain saw,

you gonna find out your killer

is that Zayday girl.

DISPATCH (over radio): We have a possible dismemberment

at 129 Ashgrove. All units... See?!

See? Dismemberment!

Denise Hemphill was one step ahead of the po-po!

Yes! Ha-ha!

Shondell, if you can hear me

in that Best Buy parking lot in the sky,

I am so sorry that

I pushed you out of my car and drove off real scared.

But I promise you, by Halloween night,

I will avenge your face stabbing, baby girl, okay?

I, Denise Hemphill,

is gonna solve this crime.

(wind chimes tinkling)

You look beautiful. I just can't believe that

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is your favorite movie, too.

All right, so here is the plan, Grace.

In precisely two and half minutes when we go in there,

you let me do all the talking.

Fat chance, McConaughey. Let's go. Come on.

(sighs): All right. Ready?

Let's do this.

(door creaks softly)

BOTH: Early trick or treat!

What are you dressed as?

We're Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

from the classic romantic comedy How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

It is a classic. Really is.

You come to talk to me about that night at Kappa House?

Uh, how... how-how did you know?

I've been waiting 20 years for someone to come around

asking about it. Come in. Come in.

(floor creaking) This is a lovely home.

Oh, you... have a squirrel.

Don't see that much anymore.

I'm sorry I didn't know what you all were dressed as.

I've been kind of off the grid since that night.

Sit!

Breakfast is almost ready We got meat today.

Mmm. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Okay...

Unfortunately,

a trucker got him in the head. Oh.

Best to let that cool off

before you dig in. Sure. Um...

So, Mandy,

what can you tell us about that night? We work

for the Wallace U. Sentinel, and we're doing a story on Kappa House.

Now, we will keep your name

out of it, of course.

You see, Mandy, I'm a vault,

and to get in this vault you need a key.

Now, you may ask, a key to what? It's a key to meaning.

Once you've found the meaning, you don't need the words.

You know what I'm saying? So find me the man

who's forgotten all the words that I may have a word with him,

and then we can just...

(makes quiet whooshing sound)

...throw away the key.

GRACE: Hey, Pete?

Shh. (clears throat)

Please, continue with your story.

My life is basically split in two.

Before that night, and after.

So it's real?

The story about the bathtub?

Damn straight it's real.

I was there.

BETHANY: Are we gonna call the police?

Have any of you ever heard of "negligent homicide"?

If the police come, they will arrest all of you

for leaving this girl to die while you were downstairs

getting into the groove.

Just like Footloose.

(crying): I can't go to jail.

We need to dispose of this body on our own.

Now, I've got everything we need in the kitchen

to make sausages out of her.

I can sell them at the farmers' market on Sunday,

or I can just feed them to these bitches for dinner.

MUNSCH: No. We're gonna bury her ourselves.

I'm gonna go downstairs, shut this party down,

and then we'll get the body out of here.

AMY: Wait, I want to stay.

Okay? Somebody has to watch after the baby.

Fine.

(baby crying)

MANDY: She made us wear hoods

(girls sobbing) so we wouldn't see where the body was.

Can you at least turn on the radio?

Shut...

up.

(girls continue sobbing)

You're all gonna have to leave school immediately,

and I would avoid any contact with each other ever again.

But aren't her parents gonna come looking for her?

And the baby's father?

Just leave the details to me.

We can't just act like this never happened.

I am the administration's liaison to Greek Life on Campus.

If a young sorority pledge dies under my so-called supervision,

my career is over!

Her dreams are as dead as she is

while mine still burn bright.

I'm protecting you.

I'm protecting your families.

And you may think

I'm a monster tonight,

but years from now,

when you have lived a boring,

painfully uncreative life

in a home filled with Pottery Barn sofas

and no integrity,

you're gonna remember me as I truly am...

...your guardian angel.

(all grunting, gasping)

Hoods back on.

I left the next day.

Told my parents it was from the stress.

Other girls changed their names and moved away.

One girl killed herself, I heard.

Another girl was institutionalized.

The third is actually doing pretty well on Fox News.

Munsch put the fear of God into us that night.

She's the devil, that one.

(whispers): The darkness.

You can't tell her I talked to you about this.

Wha... What happened to the baby?

I mean, what did Munsch do

with him? I don't know.

Like I said, she was pretty stingy with the details.

By the way, the baby was a girl.

Oh, no... see, that's not possible.

It was a boy. It's Chad Radwell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sweetheart...

I looked at that baby up close.

I know my peas and carrots.

That baby was a girl.

(soft gasp)

(whispers): Oh, my God.

Vanilla latte, cranberry-orange scone.

Listen, a little birdie

told me you're thinking of running

for Kappa House President, and I just want to say

you have my full support.

Thanks, but unless you're in Kappa House,

your support doesn't matter.

And why do you care anyway?

Look, when people hear the word "fraternity" these days,

what do they think of?

A video of a bunch of white dudes

singing a racist chant in the back of a bus

or kids dying of alcohol poisoning.

The Greek system will be obsolete in a generation

if things don't change.

But I believe you and I represent that change.

You and I?

Wait, are you telling me

that you're thinking of running for president

of the Dollar Scholars? (chuckles)

Oh, blimey, no. I already tried and lost.

Trust me, Chad is unbeatable there.

Do you think I really can beat Chanel?

With the right campaign theme.

My campaign needs a theme?

So people know that you're not just doing it to be popular.

Just throw a party as a fund-raiser

for a cause that's close to your heart.

Well, I would like to see sickle cell anemia eradicated

in our lifetime.

What's wrong with you, girl?

It's nothing.

I don't know. I just found out something,

and I feel like I can't stop

thinking about it until I talk

to my dad. It's-it's nothing.

Also, I'm sorry, is anybody totally weirded out

that we are doing this in the same room

that Ms. Bean got her face burnt off in?

I mean, she literally died right there.

Um, this just in-- Ms. Bean's not dead.

She's haunting the campus with her fatness

and murdering people.

Now, show me your pumpkins, sows.

We need to FedEx them off to my Instagram followers right away

for Chanel-o-ween. Halloween is right around the corner.

My pumpkin's drunk. Approved.

Mine's Charles Manson.

Love.

Mine's Chad Radwell.

Fine.

Mine's Hurricane Andrew

and the destruction it wrought

on the state of Florida.

Mine's just a regular

jack-o'-lantern,

which I'm sure you'll hate.

Correct. Start over.

Zayday?

What the hell does that mean?

Well, for Halloween,

I'm hosting a haunted house

to raise money for sickle cell anemia.

Because...

today is the day that I declare my intention

to run for president of Kappa House.

What?!

Wait...

why are you holding a fund-raiser, though?

To show my voters that I'm a serious candidate

and it isn't just a popularity contest.

JENNIFER: But all your voters are in this room.

You could have just told us.

Hey, Jennifer, can you hop off the spectrum for just a second?

(exhales)

I don't think you understand

the magnitude of the miscalculation you just made.

I can assure you you will not

be winning an election anytime soon.

And when you lose, I am gonna make it my lifelong passion

to destroy your reputation.

Let me brew you up a hot cup of tellin' it like it is.

You're a stuck-up little sociopath,

and everybody in this room knows it.

I'm reasonably confident that these girls will kick

your psycho ass to the curb the first chance they get.

It might behoove you to recall

that everyone here witnessed you actually murder someone,

a fact that's one anonymous phone call away

from being a juicy little segment on the local news.

I didn't kill Ms. Bean.

And if I do murder someone,

it's gonna be you.

Chanel, it's 3:00 a.m.

We're concerned about your mental health.

What are you doing?

Just sharpening knives.

Kitchen knives should be... razor-sharp.

(sobs)

Chanel, we're here for you.

It's gonna be okay.

A sitting Kappa president

has not lost the office to a freshman in 150 years.

I am responsible

for the worst pledge class

in Kappa history, and now

Zayday's gonna win because we live in the age of Obama?

I'll lose everything!

Chanel, please.

Put the knives down.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Look, Zayday's throwing a haunted house for charity,

so... we'll just have to...

...throw another party, like...

...like, um...

A haunted pumpkin patch.

How very adolescent of you to think of this.

It vaguely smacks of something my six-year-old sister

would be excited about, but...

...great. Yes.

A haunted pumpkin patch created expressly

to raise money for some disease more heinous

than Zayday's sickle cell anemia haunted house.

Like, um, um... Guinea worm.

No. Wolfman Syndrome.

No! Bark skin.

Next.

Hold on.

(sighs)

It's the most

disgusting disease in the history of mankind.

You get it when you don't even understand the most basic

tenets of oral hygiene.

Okay, what is it?

Black...

hairy...

tongue.

Chanels...

thank you.

(cackles) (screams)

Aah! Let me in! Let me in!

(squirrel squeaking)

(TV playing indistinctly)

Just give the dang thing its pot of gold already!

(knocking)

(cackling over TV)

(knocking continues)

I ain't got no candy!

(floorboards creaking)

(insects trilling)

(squirrel squeaking)

(whispering): Did you hear that?

(bang)

(knocking)

(bang)

(shuddering breaths) (knocking)

(persistent thumping)

(clanging, banging)

(whimpering)

(clanging, banging continue)

(clanging, banging stop)

(soft creaking)

(screams)

(screaming)

(blade slashing)

Oh, yeah.

Bet you're a sexy dirt-covered girl.

That's what I bet you are.

Ah. Who are you?

"Dorothy Ann Jesperson."

What's up?

My name's Chad.

(unzipping pants) Chad Radwell.

HESTER: Is that your grandmother?

I was just, um... I was, uh...

Say it.

I don't know. Sometimes, uh...

sometimes I come out here

and I just rub my hands on the gravestones.

When I find a gravestone I like, I, um...

get turned on and I-I rub one out to it.

I get it.

I get you more than anyone.

I also find the thought of dead bodies

extremely arousing.

Oh, God, that is such a relief to hear.

I just don't understand why I have all these dark feelings.

You know, I just think our generation's had it too easy, you know?

We haven't seen enough horrible stuff.

There's no awesome diseases randomly killing people.

There's not really any awesome wars

to go off to and witness horrific things you can't unsee.

We, like, pulled out of all of 'em.

(sighs) I don't know.

Sometimes I just don't even feel like I'm living, you know?

The only time I feel anything is when I'm thinking about chopping up a body.

I feel the same way.

And here you are,

saddled up with an uptight girlfriend who freaked out

for no other reason than the fact

that you just wanted to fantasize about having sex

with her lifeless corpse.

I want everything Chanel has.

Oh...

And that includes you.

Oh, my God, I got a total chub right now.

HESTER: Chanel's done.

Zayday's gonna win for Kappa House President.

And when she does, I'm pretty sure

that Vice President will fall into my hands.

And when Zayday just happens to fall down a flight of steps

or drown in a retention pond,

then you will once again be porking Kappa's top bitch,

and this bitch puts out.

Okay, I need to do it right now.

Right now on Dorothy, you and me, please.

Not scary enough.

We're alone in a foggy cemetery.

There's a serial killer on the loose.

Keep your phone on.

And if you're lucky,

maybe in the next couple of days,

you'll get a call from someone with a very scary location

of where to meet.

And maybe...

she'll let you in the back door.

(exhales)

Bye.

Oh, my...

What?

Did you see that?

He wants you, too, Malachai.

(on screen): He wants you, too. (mouthing)

(growling on screen)

What... what could be scarier

for an adult than a child coming to murder them?

Huh? No? No one?

Isn't that all of our greatest fear?

That the pain, the regrets, the mistakes of our youth

will destroy us in our adulthood?

That we can't escape...

our inner child.

One we would rather forget,

but who, at the end of the day...

has all the power.

See you next Tuesday.

Hey, Gracie.

How come we never talk about Mom?

You told me that she went to this school

and that she joined Kappa

and that died when I was two and not much else.

It's hard for me to talk about sometimes.

I miss her a lot.

It's pretty convenient.

That she died in a fire.

All of her stuff got burned.

Any record of her.

My birth certificate.

What are you talking about?

Why are you lying to me?

Something does not make sense.

Why did this all start happening as soon as I got to campus?

Why am I the only person in Kappa without a mother?

Shh. Hey. Honey.

You got to give me more here, okay?

I don't understand what you're getting at.

Are you on bath salts?

Just tell me.

Tell me the truth. Tell me right now.

Am I the baby that was born in Kappa that night?

Did Mom die in that bathtub?

What?

No, you were born in a hospital.

I was there. I saw you come out of your mother.

Big mistake, by the way.

This is crazy. Gracie!

I am going to find out

what's going on.

And if you lied to me and it turns out

you're the killer seeking some

sick act of revenge because mom

did die in the bathtub that night,

then I am never speaking to you again!

Gra... Come on.

(door closes)

(phone chimes)

_

(door creaks open)

Pete? Uh...

Boo! Oh!

(laughs) Gotcha. God.

Honestly-- don't do that.

Why are we even here?

To find out who that baby was. Come.

Boo! Aah!

(laughs) Yeah, see? Not so fun,

is it?

What are you guys doing here?

Scoping the place out. Spooky, right?

This is where we're having the haunted house

for sickle-cell anemia.

(group shouts, gasps) Hell, no, you won't!

This house is haunted.

She's right.

BOTH: See, I did some research down at the library...

When? When?

Last night. Last night.

BOTH: I didn't see you there.

Which library? Which library?

Baker Street. North Jackson.

Oh. Oh.

Okay. Yeah.

See, I wanted to do some research

on the hag from Shady Lane.

There's a legend in this neighborhood about a woman

who wailed about her dead children.

And this was the

house she lived in. House she lived in.

Yeah.

Neighbors said they heard a woman

moaning and howling low. (woman moaning)

But then some people said, "Oh, no, that's just

the wind or a raccoon singing. Until one day,

some kids looked up and saw her standing in the window,

dressed in black,

staring out at that street, just a-moanin'.

(moans eerily)

Now, they tried to tell folks

about the hag in the old house

on Shady Lane, but nobody believed 'em. Mm-mm.

They said, "These dumb ol' kids are smoking crack.

Ain't no hag in the house on Shady Lane."

But then...

someone else saw her.

(screams)

PETE: The woman just thought the hag

was rooting around for food...

But then them kids...

heard that caterwauling again.

So they snuck into this house

and went

upstairs to the bedroom.

(woman wailing, moaning)

And do you know

what they saw?

Do you?!

Oh, my God.

They're toys she picked up from all over the neighborhood.

That's incredible.

I think it's incredible what you can find out

with just a quick trip down to your local library.

And you know what year it was? 1995.

The same year as the bathtub baby. Mm-hmm.

Nobody touch anything.

This can be one of the rooms for the haunted house.

Uh, Zayday, can I talk to you for a second...

in private?

Hold it right there.

What exactly do you plan on doing at this haunted house?

Well, I was thinking we could blindfold folks and make 'em

put their hands in a bowl full of grapes we peeled,

so it'll feel like eyeballs.

It's for the fund-raising.

We're trying to raise money.

More like raise the body count.

With murder.

Oh, yeah.

I'm onto you, Zayday Williams.

I think the reason you want to have a haunted house party

is 'cause a haunted party is like a buffet for murderers.

Yeah, yeah, you can just go around

killing anybody you want and ain't nobody

even gonna even notice. Just like you

chopped the arms off that dumb-ass golf guy.

Oh, ho-ho! Didn't know I knew that, did you? Yeah.

I got you.

Denise Hemphill knows you own a chain saw

and you were supposed to be

at your philosophy study group that night,

but you never showed up.

Because I skipped it to go to the Burger Shack

with Jennifer the candle blogger.

Ooh, Burger Shack.

But can I ask you something?

Why do you have it out for me?

Maybe it's because you're the killer.

What?! That... that is ridiculous. That's crazy.

Is it? Because I happen to know

you also went to Wallace University

and also pledged Kappa. Oh, that's right.

When I snuck into the archives to find the paperwork

to file my candidacy for chapter president,

I found a list of pledges

from 1988, and one of them

was named Denise Hemphill.

Oh

Tell it to my heart... I'm so sorry.

I think there's been a mistake.

The African sorority is Omicron Omicron Omicron

and their house is down the street.

I know. I don't want to be a member of the OOO house.

Look at me. (giggles) I want to be a Kappa.

(wry laugh)

I don't think you'd like it here at Kappa House.

(mocking laughter echoing)

Once she was rejected,

she dropped out of school.

Mm.

And enrolled in community college.

That's good sleuthin', Zayday Williams.

Mm-hmm.

You might be able to get a job

with Secure Enforcement Solutions one day,

if you decide to give up murdering folks for a living.

You have it out for me because when you were here,

Kappa wouldn't accept women of color.

So now you look at me and see everything you could've been.

Well, you're just gonna have to see me take it one step further

by becoming the first black president of Kappa house.

And that's just gonna chap your hide.

Make you want to kill, kill, kill, huh?

Happy Halloween, Zayday.

I hope you have a good time at your

haunted party and get to murder lots of folks.

Just remember--

Denise Hemphill has her eyes on you.

CHANEL: I have it on good authority

that the Red Devil is gonna kill someone

in Zayday's haunted house. Don't let it be you.

How do you know that's gonna happen?

I don't, but how stupid would the killer be

to not kill someone there?

It's Halloween, everyone will be in costume.

Hell, he could kill someone

and people would think it was decoration.

You have this way too thought out.

Isn't this kind of nice?

I mean, why else did we all join a sorority in the first place?

My sense of personal identity is completely external.

If I didn't have Kappa to define me,

I really don't have much to offer.

I've found that my particular style of speaking

and gesticulation is extremely off-putting to most boys.

And girls. And anyone. But with Kappa as my calling card,

everyone seems to overlook that.

I joined for whatever reason you joined, Chanel.

No, I'm talking about girls uniting with a common goal.

I needed you guys to totally crush the will of young Zayday.

To destroy her haunted house, sure,

but also to destroy her spirit.

And you have all rallied around me.

Just like I would do for any of you if I wasn't busy that day.

I need to eat. My blood sugar is crashing.

I would be honored to treat you all to lunch.

We always bring our own.

I am so grateful

that you guys are sharing your not-food lunch with me, but

won't we, like, die

if we eat cotton balls?

Only if they cause a blockage

in our intestinal tracts,

but that's what the sauce is for.

CHANEL #5: Lubrication.

And it gives you that wonderfully full

feeling without all of the calories.

You know what? Poo Belly is right.

I'm tired of depriving myself of joy and sustenance.

I mean, for what? So a boy will like me?

Guys can be as porky as they want and we still

like them. I'm skinny as

Karen Carpenter in the morgue and Chad Radwell still

won't commit to me.

I may die at the end of a serial killer's blade,

but I refuse to die hungry.

Let's go get some pizza.

(Tommy imitates wolf howl)

Which one of you ladies

would like to be my costume for Halloween?

I'm going as "Dude Having

Awesome Sex With You." (chuckles)

Who the hell do you think you are?

Uh... Tommy?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ladi...

ladies. All right?

He was just trying to be nice, okay? Yeah.

I mean, what in the hell's wrong with the world where a guy can't

even whistle at a chick just to tell her she looks hot?

I mean, how else are people supposed to meet people?

I recently took a women's studies class. Yes, because

it was a requirement, but I learned a lot anyways.

Like the culture that says it's okay for a man to objectify

a woman for her appearance is the same culture

that pressures girls as young as ten to have eating disorders.

So you're basically saying I'm the one

responsible for making you look hot?

You're welcome.

There is a killer on this campus murdering women.

When you treat us like meat, you're no better than him!

You're gonna tell us to smile now?

Call us sweetheart?

Actually, yes. It's kind of my signature move.

Yeah, well, this is mine!

(groaning)

No!

(groaning)

You bitch!

Hey, that's my sister,

and she's no bitch, but I am.

I'm mad about you (grunting)

You're mad about me, babe

Coupled between the two, we start to see (groaning)

(grunting)

Mad about you

Mad about you

Lost in your eyes

Reason aside (screaming)

Mad about love... You want to see me smile? Well, I'm smiling!

Mad about you... Wow. Those cotton balls do not provide much energy, do they?

(applause and cheering)

Mad about love

You and I... (kick thuds)

(insects trilling)

Hey, Chad. Oh, hey.

I'm not really sure how you got my number, but I like

how you took the initiative and texted me

where you wanted us to meet.

What are you talking about? You texted me.

Hmm. Mysterious.

Makes it

extra scary.

So,

do you think you're man enough

to take me inside that house and attack my crack?

I guarantee you I'm man enough for that.

(door creaks open)

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Haunted house doesn't even start for another two hours.

Why would they light all the candles?

It seems wasteful.

Come on.

I'll sure this house has an amazingly romantic basement.

This is so hot.

(sighs)

Hey, so, uh, a little awkward since

we're about to bone down and everything,

but, um, what's your name?

Hester.

(silently mouths)

Right.

That's great. I love that name.

So, uh... Hester?

Hester, where are you?

HESTER: This way.

What...?

(sniffing)

Oh. Smells like roadkill.

Yo, Hester!

Kind of make it hard to throw you a bone

when I can't even find you.

HESTER (eerie whisper): Chad...

We're doing it in here.

Uh... I'm coming.

Oh, my gosh.

(unzipping pants)

Look.

A wax replica of Ms. Bean with her face fried off.

That is not a replica!

(both screaming)

Whoa!

Whoa!

(screaming)

Whoa!

(screaming) Oh, no.

(both screaming)

(screaming)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come here.

Oh! (screaming)

Oh, God!

(screaming)

Go!

HESTER (gasps): Oh, my God,

it's Chanel 2! (screaming)

(both screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

Come on. Go, go, go, go, go!

I've never been so scared in my whole life.

My finger went in her leg.

All right, if we go to the police,

they're gonna see I'm still rocking a mad sidepipe,

and they're gonna think I had something to do with it.

But the haunted house is starting, like, now.

We have to warn people.

All right, everybody listen up!

All of your lives are in danger!

Do not go to the haunted house

on Shady Lane! There are dead bodies!

Dead bodies. Real-life dead bodies.

Did you say dead bodies?

Dude, that sounds awesome!

Come on, everybody! Let's go to the haunted house on Shady Lane!

(cheering and screaming)

Transylvania 4-5789... No!

Look at all these people.

What the hell is going on here?

Those are like the most lifelike dead bodies

I've ever seen. Wait.

Um, excuse me? Hi. Sorry.

You two, uh, wh-where are these dead bodies?

Start with the ones upstairs. So gross.

(thudding and clinking)

Um, hello, everybody!

Uh, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.

WOMAN: Shut up.

Whatever.

Uh, come on, Zayd.

One more bad break

Could bring a fall... Excuse me. Coming through.

Excuse me.

When I'm far from home... Oh, my God!

Is that a real dead body?

Yeah, that's a real dead body. Dude, who is it?

PETE: Just read the tombstone, dude.

Flipping. Is that another real dead body?

Oh, that must be Shondell.

That's it. I'm calling 911.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, Zayd.

Ms. Bean died at Kappa House so that would drag you two

into all of this. Yeah, the cat's already out of the bag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys, no.

Eyes without a face... (phone line ringing)

Hello?

MAN: 911.

Yes, you need to send the police

to the haunted house on Shady Lane.

Oh, my God! You're at the haunted house on Shady Lane?!

I'm going as soon as my shift's over.

I heard it's awesome!

No, no, no, it's not awesome.

Oh. Not awesome because it's not scary enough, or, uh...?

Because there are dead people everywhere!

Oh, my God! Please send help!

Well, of course there are dead bodies.

It's a haunted house.

And I'm sorry, but that does sound awesome.

Listen, there are real bodies of real dead people,

and there's a guy in an ice cream cone nailed to the wall!

Bless his heart. Please send help!

Sweet baby Jesus.

Miss, you're at an awesome scary haunted house.

This is not an emergency, okay?

You should go back in and enjoy the awesome haunted house

and know that non-emergency calls to 911

waste hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars every year.

You actually make a real good point

about the taxpayers wasting they dollar,

and when I become the president, I'll really try to fix... that.

Thought I saw or heard something.

But like I said, dead people are...

(screaming)

We have to file a missing persons report.

Someone's kidnapped Zayday.

CHANEL: I just hope

she's found alive in time for the election.

I mean, it would be insane to vote

for a girl who might already be dead.

Dean Munsch, you got to shut down this campus

immediately!

Oh, hello, Weston.

There are five dead bodies in that house.

Laid out in horrible and deliberate macabre poses.

The department is not prepared to say that the bodies there

are related in any way to these alleged incidents

that have been happening on campus.

Because it's an off-campus house.

You can't be serious.

Let's go over the list of dead people.

Ms. Bean,

who, apparently, has been dead

for a few weeks... Mm-hmm.

and, also, apparently, had her face

fried off. CHANEL: What?!

Not Ms. Bean! No! No!

They were very close.

More importantly, not a student.

Next?

CHISHOLM: Shondell Washington.

Security guard. Also dead at least two weeks.

Also... not a student.

CHISHOLM: A Jane Doe.

Approximate age, 40.

Uh, cause of death:

stabbed a whole lot and all over.

And not a student. Uh-uh.

Well, what about Coney?

PETE: Yeah, yeah, his head

was chopped off by a chain saw, just like the one

the Red Devil used to cut that guy's arms off.

Now, I'm no detective, but that

does seem a little more than coincidental.

CHANEL 5: And Chanel 2!

I mean, I know for a fact she was a student.

Yeah, she was in my art history class, I think.

If you continue to refuse to admit

that this campus and its students are under attack,

then I will be forced to go to the media.

Okay, adults, why don't we head into the kitchen?

We can discuss the best course of action over cr?pes.

You are not leaving this house tonight.

Dad. Now don't argue with me. Stop.

(sirens wailing) Sir, you have nothing to worry about.

I will keep a close eye on her. I'm Pete. Just stop.

Who is this dude?

He's just not gonna like you.

Wait. Um, excuse me. Where are you going?

We need to form a search party for Zayday?

Zayday should have considered the fact

that she was gonna get kidnapped before betraying me.

You know what, Chanel?

You make it harder and harder to believe that you're not the killer.

Ladies, we have a pumpkin patch fund-raiser to attend to.

Hey, Grace...

I think we should talk about Mandy.

We were the last people to see her alive.

Listen, there's something I have to tell you.

I found out something

really interesting, and now I have a theory.

There is something so weird about Hag of Shady Lane.

I'd say everything.

Everything is weird about that story.

I went down to the police headquarters

to the Records and Identification Division.

The earliest reports of wailing from the house

was November, 1995.

But before that, there's nothing, but just

three weeks earlier, there were two reported thefts.

One from a convenience store

about a woman in black who came in and stole diapers,

and another from a milkman

who said that a woman in a black robe

stole a crate of milk from the back of his truck.

But he couldn't get a good look at her due to the, quote,

"all-around haggy nature of her person."?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

There were still milkmen in 1995?

Pete, this was one month after the bathtub incident!

And suddenly, the Hag of Shady Lane

is stealing milk and diapers?

She was taking care of a baby.

The baby, Pete.

I mean, it's too big a coincidence.

I think she had the Kappa baby.

I don't know how she got it,

whether she kidnapped it, or someone gave it to her...

but if we're ever gonna find out what happened to that baby,

we have to figure out who that woman was.

(wood creaking in distance)

(woman wailing, sobbing in distance)

(chair creaking, woman sobs and wails)

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