Original subtitles

At full bloom,

we ain't bringing sexy back...

You were right about roxy. She amazing.

She's totally rocking the mic out there. Look at us.

We are the "Charlie's Angels" of hot undies.

Hey, I get to be jaclyn Smith.

Who needs class when you got sass?

Ladies, make your man's night in the rev it up bustier,

and full bloom! What?!

Badonkadonk!

Cheryl's in the kitchen taking orders,

so get those checkbooks ready. You know you want to. What?!

Unh! Unh!

Ooh, honey, you know, you need to order that in amethyst.

With your eyes and that hair? Ooh, honey.

Who needs more daiquiris? Whoo!

Whoo! Right here.

Oh, ladies. Give it up for Jenny!

So you've got the va va voom merry widow in peacock

and red fishnet thigh-highs. Excellent choice.

I'm gonna need that by Friday. I can do a rush.

Now would you like to have this delivered

to the home address or the workplace? Definitely home.

I'm with a bunch of girls from the station.

You bring this stuff by,

we'll never live it down. Oh. "Barbara Mack."

Uh, any relation to sergeant Mack?

Only by marriage. He's my ex.

Yep. I've heard plenty about you.

So this is the infamous West nest?

Well...

Don't believe everything you've heard.

I'll have this to you by Friday.

Please do.

I've got a weekend.

♪ Boomin', boomin' in the boot-ay ♪

Unh! Yeah.

Make the most of what you got.

Even if what you got is a whole lot! Yeah.

It's okay. Just breathe. Hee. Hee. Who-who.

Oh, my gosh. There's, like, so much fat

and, like, cellulite and thongs everywhere,

and everyone's so happy about it.

Honey, you would have been gorgeous up there,

but we needed some ladies

our customers could relate to. Mom, trust me.

I do not want to be in your fat girl underwear, okay?

I mean, I don't want them

all in my living room either. Don't worry.

It won't get on you, at least not yet.

Mom, don't say stuff like that.

Good one. I have my first modeling job tomorrow night.

This is really freaking out.

It's actually the music I have a problem with.

Well, get used to it because

business is blooming. Seriously, a pun?

Hey, be happy for me, okay?

It's something I can be successful at for once.

Get crazy!

Unh! Look at that, baby. Workin' that boot-ay!

They, like, parade around in their underwear

in our living room,

only most of 'em are mom's age and a lot of 'em are fat.

If I were in hell, this is how they would torture me.

I don't know. It sounds kinda good to me. No, no, no. No, no, no.

I'm telling you, man, the hens are taking over.

We gotta get you outta here.

Well, it's not gonna happen anytime soon.

What are you talking about? You'll win that appeal.

Not if nobody's working on it.

Well, Logan's working on it.

Not anymore. He said it's, uh, "detrimental" to his "career."

What? Something about the judge's nephew working at his firm.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, that is such crap.

I knew we shouldn't have let him work on your case.

I told mom we shouldn't...

It is what it is.

Well, we'll just get somebody else. All right?

We'll get j.J. Back on it.

With what, Cheryl's panties for baggy butts?

The only thing you guys got right now is the house,

so we sit and we wait and see what happens.

All right, don't worry, dad.

Listen to me. We're gonna get you outta here.

Yeah. I promise.

Yeah.

I could go for some kung pao.

Mm-hmm....Is just so impressive to me.

Well, I assure you you're in good hands...

Actually, you know what? Um...

I think I've got something here I could nibble on.

Something just came up I have to revisit. You, too.

Excuse me.

I think you know my brother, Cal West?

Look at that.

There are two of you.

Yeah, I'm his- I'm his brother Logan.

I heard you were here to meet with Stierson today.

I wanted to introduce myself. Cal speaks so highly of you.

I like to make an impression.

Well, that you do.

You look different.

I'm heading out for a swim.

Anyway, um, I know you just had a meeting with Mr. Stierson,

but if there's anything that I can do for you personally...

there is, actually. You can apologize.

I'm sorry. For what?

And here I thought I made an impression.

Believe me, I was impressed.

Listen, I know it wasn't right.

But you have to admit,

at least you ended up with the better brother.

I didn't "end up" with anyone, did I?

Hey, watch the chopsticks, Honolulu.

What? What is so funny?

You got some crack you wanna make about ponzu sauce?

'Cause trust me, I've heard it.

You're pretty cranky for a mermaid.

You wanna try laying up here in this fishtail?

I guess you are kinda out of your element.

Let me get you a drink. I can't.

I got, like, an hour till the octopus shows up.

Oh. Wait a minute. Are you Detective Rick Hardy?

I'm Grant Wilby.

My dad loves your show, man. He almost bought

that jacket you wear because you look so badass in it.

It wasn't because of my methodical crime solving?

Yeah. No, it was that, too. You know, that, um,

that special you did about castles in Ireland?

Me and my mom loved that. I

always wanted to be a fairy. And look at you now.

Yeah. I'm really launching my career here

with these shiny oven mitts on my boobs.

Hey, you know, I'm pitching a new reality show

with my producing partner- "what's hot in Palm Springs?"...

and we're looking for a co-host.

I'd like to talk to you about it.

Why don't you come find me when

that octopus shows up? I bet I could knock off early.

And so one day...

His brother comes to the circus to visit him

and says, "Frank, have I got a job for you.

"You're gonna get to wear a suit and a tie.

You're gonna have a nice desk and a beautiful corner office."

And fred looks at him.

And fred, of course, is covered in elephant crap.

And he says, "what? And give up show business?"

Ohh.

Mmm.

Oh.

Believe me, I've shoveled my share of crap in my day.

No, you've gotten to do so much cool stuff, man,

like clog dancing off a cliff in Ireland

and chasing all those bad guys on that cool motorcycle.

Don't forget the number one pop song in scandinavia.

True.

Man, all those things that I want

just seem, like, a million miles away.

Yeah, believe it or not, I feel like that, too.

Trying to reinvent myself now doesn't feel that different

from when I was first starting out,

like you.

Hey, do you really think that I could...

Be your co-host?

Like, me?

Hey, if a skinny kid from lagrange

can grow up to be Rick Hardy...

You just gotta want it.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for all the advice

and encouragement.

You make it all seem so possible.

Yeah.

Hey, you know,

Hollywood can be a really cynical place.

Don't let 'em take your innocence

or your desire.

That's what makes you special.

I bet you say that to all the mermaids.

Grant, right here! Damn. It's the paparazzi. Hang on.

Who's the girl?

Whoo! Ha ha! That was quite a ride, Detective Hardy.

Yeah. Sorry. I really can't show up in the tabloids right now.

You think we might? Hey, I-I hate to do this,

but could I call a cab to get you home? Uh...

I really don't want you seen by those vultures.

Right. Yeah.

They're such a pain. Hey, um, I should give you my number

so you can call me about the reality show.

Yeah. Right.

Definitely. Acme cab.

Oh, hey. Yeah, I need a cab, please. Whew.

Please hold.

Girl, I'm just glad nobody threw up

on the merchandise, okay?

Maybe a little less vodka in the daiquiris next time.

Hell, no. That's a major sales tool, baby.

Hey, there you are. I've called you, like,

eight times. Sorry. My phone died. Hey, I got doughnuts.

Mm-hmm! Come to mama! Mmm! Yes! All right! So where's the fabric?

Oh, uh, yeah, you know,

I think, uh, Mr. Singh got, uh, backed up.

You know, he's gonna need an extra day to... to get it.

I don't understand.

He's got an entire warehouse full of fabric.

Did you give him the money?

Yeah, like, a deposit, you know, and he...

Sorry. I guess your phone's not totally dead.

Huh. Hey, baby. No, sure, take whatever you want.

There's... there's more in the freezer.

Okay. See you later.

It's Terry. Oh, you're kidding me!

No! You didn't take him back! He sold your flat screen.

I know, but he's paying me back.

He's got this whole plan to make money.

Girl, he always has a plan to make money,

and it usually ends up with him in jail.

Well, this time sounds real good.

You know, he's got all these people together invest. Oh, no.

Did you give him our money? What? No.

No.

Don't lie to me, kasey... no!

Because I can call Mr. Singh right now. It's just for a day.

Oh, kasey! No, he's gonna give us back double. He promised.

Pfft. He promised.

Oh, well, great.

Damn.

Hey, Terry.

What's up, Cheryl? Heard they put wolf on ice, huh?

Yeah.

Kasey gave you some money?

Well, it wasn't hers, and I want it back.

Yeah. Just be cool, all right?

24 hours, you'll get it back, plus interest.

Well, I don't want interest, Terry.

I want my money, and I want it now.

And I'm telling you, that's not gonna happen. All right?

So just sit tight. You know, maybe go get your nails done.

You know that thing that you think is charm, Terry? Yeah.

Well, it doesn't work with me.

That was my money. Mine.

Look, even if I wanted to get it back,

it's too late. You know what?

If I had half a brain, I'd rat you out so fast,

you'd be back in jail by lunchtime!

Yeah? Well, that wouldn't sit too good

with your business partner, would it?

What business? Thanks to you, Terry,

the whole thing probably went up in smoke.

Now why can't you weasels just ruin your own lives?

Why do you have to take us down with you?

Maybe that's 'cause, uh... shut up.

It was a rhetorical question.

Idiot.

"So thou refuse to drink my dear son's blood."

Dude, you ready to see me totally making out

with Grant Wilby in "indiscreet" magazine?

Just when Shakespeare was getting good.

Why are you even reading that? School's out.

The plots are awesome for our screenplay.

I mean, Titus Andronicus

actually feeds tamora her sons in a pie.

And then there's all these

eyeballs getting cut out and- look! My butt!

Congratulations. You're a mystery mermaid.

Wait. Where's my name?

"Racy blonde." "Sexy siren." Who writes this crap?

Damn it! No one's even gonna know it's me.

What the hell is your tattoo doing on top of Grant Wilby?

Oh, see, mom knew it was you. Doesn't count.

Damn right, it count do you have any idea

what's gonna happen when your father sees these?

Well, he's not gonna see it 'cause he's in jail.

Ooh, a silver lining. What are you doing, Heather?

You've got one modeling job, and you end up on the cover

of a tabloid with some tv actor.

It's called launching a career, mom.

He's married.

That didn't come up.

It's too easy.

Okay, look, I don't know what this guy told you,

but you're not allowed to see him ever again,

do you hear me?

Now please put away these groceries.

And I'm gonna burn these in the backyard.

And that one, too.

Don't worry. You're still young.

You have a whole life of scandal ahead of you.

Man, dropped his own dad's case?

Lawyers are cold-blooded.

Yeah. All right, so are you in or what?

Hang on. Hang on. Check out this new ringtone.

Dude, Cruz, come on, man. All right, all right.

Sorry, man. What's the plan?

All right,

so about three, four times a week,

I pick up Mr. Hong's lunch

from this taqueria that he likes, right?

And I started noticing this creepy white dude...

Who runs a comic book store just right nearby.

Every Wednesday, he takes his weekly cash drop,

puts it in the trunk of his car, then treats himself

to the Baja combo platter, extra salsa.

S-sorry, man. Mr. Hong likes tacos?

Is that even, like, legal?

Dude. Focus, man. Focus.

Okay. I'm not talking about the tacos.

I'm talking about all that cash

just sitting in the trunk of that car

for, like, 30 minutes, man, while he's chowingown.

Right. What kind of car?

That's the good news. It's, like, old,

like, David Lee Roth/ Van Halen-old, man.

Golden age, bro.

So no alarm, plus, he parks around the side

where there's no video cameras.

Dude, you actually thought this through.

I mean, it's for my dad, man, you know?

It's like a late father's day gift.

So you take your half. I'll put my half towards my dad's appeal.

We'll be cruising wn to Baja in no time.

Ooh! Whoo! Hey, you guys!

Hey, Tanya. I saw you at the salon again.

Somebody's been stalking me.

Huh? Oh, go ahead and play it off. Pretend you

just like those tacos you're

getting practically every day. Tanya, we're late!

Then go without me, tito! I'm busy!

If you don't mind, could you just...

we're, like, in between something.

Sorry. Am I interrupting, like, a meeting of the minds here?

No, no. We're good.

So Wednesday, noon. All right, b? What's Wednesday?

The day I finally get my hands on those awesome cuticles?

I know this is the last thing you're gonna wanna hear,

but one of our suppliers fell through,

it's gonna mean a slight delay on delivery. You said Friday.

I know, but I was thinking that maybe if you

and some of the other lady cops wanted to get together

and throw us the st of the money... We paid our deposit.

You know, what is this, some West family con job? Oh, come on.

Do you think I'd really be stupid enough to try

and con a bunch of policewomen out of their panties?

Look, all I know is I'm going to desert hot Springs,

and I'm bringing that lingerie that I paid for

or you and your family

are gonna start hearing sirens in your sleep.

God, you really were married to sergeant Mack, weren't you?

Uh, Cheryl.

Oh, great. Now you.

Um, I didn't realize that you knew Barbara.

I don't. We're just, um, working on something together.

Oh, okay. Well, um, I mean, whatever it is,

uh, I would hate for it to, you know,

I mean... she has,

you know, her own perspective on things,

on me, in particular, and, uh...

are you worried, Detective, that your wife is gonna

say unflattering things about you to me?

No, not at all.

I mean, not really. Did she?

She doesn't need to. I can do that all by myself.

No, really, I, uh, I'm just selling her some clothes.

That's all. Oh, right, this is the, uh, underwear business.

How do you know about that?

Well, I mean, when you applied for the license...

You're on a watch list.

Well, there you go.

I'm just selling your wife some slutty panties.

Ex-wife.

A-and that's funny,

'cause I-I never thought that was Barbara's thing.

Well, maybe it just wasn't your thing.

I'm sorry. That was...

anyhow, uh,

just remember, whatever she says,

uh, you know, it takes two to tango.

Gotcha.

All right.

Look who it is.

Logan. I was just talking to Mr. Stierson about you.

Mm. Only in the, uh...

Most glowing terms, I hope.

Quite. Apparently, he's quite proud

of the new diversity in his firm.

I had no idea your family was cahuilla.

Uh, we're half cahuilla, actually.

That's funny. Cal never mentioned that. Listen...

I wanted to apologize to you about the sex.

It won't happen again,

unless, of course, you want it to.

That's your idea of a sincere apology?

Well, I... uh-oh. A sincere apology in a law firm?

I must be on the wrong floor. Valerie, hi.

Hi. I was just finishing up with Ms. Hong.

Oh. Patty Hong, this is Valerie bottoms...

Hello.

My girlfriend.

Nice to meet you, Valerie.

Patty was just...

Ms. Hong was just here on, uh, business with Mr. Stierson.

Oh, I hope it's nothing serious. Estate planning.

Identity theft. Uh, and identity theft.

My goodness. Someone stole your identity?

No. No, someone else's.

You can't trust anyone these days.

Huh.'Ll say.

Uh, if you need five minutes...

No. No, we're finished. He's all yours.

Clients, right?

Yes, Mr. Singh. Uh, yeah, I understand that,

but if we could just get half the material, then we could...

yeah, it's just that...

no.

I understand.

Thanks.

Thanks for nothing.

What about some kind of emergency short-term loan?

Yeah. Oh, sure, we'll tell them all our money

for our crotchless panties went to a drug deal.

I'm sure the banks would love to invest in us.

Terry said he'd have the money back by tomorrow.

"Terry said" and you believe that? He's just gonna say at

again tomorrow and the day after that

and the day after that. He said it was a sure thing.

A sure thing? Kase, this was all of our money.

And you didn't even come and talk to us

before you gave it away to that loser. Okay...

okay, okay, ladies. Ladies, let's just cool it down.

No. I'm sorry, but this is really bad.

If you wanna self-destruct, fine,

but don't take all of us down with you.

I said I was sorry.

But couldn't you have thought this through

for once in your life?

I mean, this was my la shot.

This was something that I could actually do that made sense,

the one thing that I was counting on, and you just...

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you.

Just forget about it. Forget the whole thing.

Oh, man.

I guess I'll have to,

won't I?

Wolf, all I do is think about this family.

What do you think this business was for?

When half the guys in here

are gawking at pictures of our daughter's ass in a magazine,

it doesn't exactly look like you're paying attention.

It's not as if she asked for my permission.

I'm as pissed as you are. Well, if I was home,

none of this crap would be happening,

that's for damn sure. Oh, yeah, right.

When you came home, she was getting a prison guard drunk

and showing off naked pictures of herself.

Things definitely shaped right up! Look, you tried, okay,

but this idea about taking the high road,

Cheryl...

It ain't working, babe.

Well, you know, thanks for the support, wolf,

especially when I really need it.

Hey. Do you mind if I hide out here for a while?

Mom's yelling at dad. I think he found out.

Oh, about the dirty underwear business?

I thought he'd love that. No, about my thing... the photos.

Yes, the telltale tattoo.

Ooh, that's a good title.

Fine, use it for some stupid movie

that no one's ever gonna see.

That'll make me feel really nice.

I mean, he wanted me to co-host this reality show,

and I texted him, like, 50 times. He's not responding.

I don't get it. Heather, I'm the virgin here.

Do you really need me to explain it to you?

This sucks. I mean, off he goes in his midlife-crisis-mobile

with his unfamous wife, and I get nothing...

no reality show, not even my name in the tabloids.

Well, maybe you should have it tattooed on your butt.

Okay, so you got played by Rick Hardy. Who cares?

I do. Okay? I care.

I could practically smell the ocean

from the balcony of my Malibu condo,

and now I'm stuck here...

Modeling mom's fat chick underwear.

You know, it wouldn't be too difficult

to turn this to your advantage. Really? How?

It's called media manipulation...

"Where fair is foul and foul is fair."

Just trust me.

Okay, there he is.

Ooh, nice chinos.

All right, he's headed for the car.

Okay. In goes the bags.

Good. Good.

Okay.

All right.

We have 40 minutes

for the Baja combo platter. And...

Why are you making a-a sign? I'm- -I'm right here.

50 bucks if you can tell me

which famous movie dude had a ride just like this.

I don't know, man. Ask my sister.

"Live and let die," bro. James Bond.

Okay.

Go.

Dude, you said there wasn't an alarm!

Who puts an alarm on a crappy car like this?

Come on. Get the stuff, man.

Oh, sweet. No, there's more. There's more.

Grab... grab the jumper cables.

I'm not gonna take jumper cables. That's bad juju.

Oh!

Just... no, leave it. Cruz! No,

man. They can trace it. They can trace it.

Well, look who it is. Hey, Tanya.

Oh! I knew it. I saw your car out front, and I said to Gina,

"nobody likes tacos that much. I know he's finally ready

to let me give him that mani-pedi." What are you doing? Nothing.

We're just looking at this car. It's the same one as James Bond.

You didn't come to see me.

You came to Jack something out of this car.

No. What? No. Uh, cops.

Where is it? Is it in the backpack? Give it to me. No. No.

Give me the backpack. I'll hide it... no. Dude, no.

In one of the lockers in the salon. You come with me.

You get in the car and meet us in front of the salon. Move.

Bye, Gina!

See you tomorrow!

Drive slow.

Hey.

Hey, Cher.

What are you doing outside? Wanna come on in?

I kn where the money is.

Well, hallelujah for small miracles. Where?

Okay, so you know how Terry likes a little light bondage?

Oh! Okay, so I tie him up, and I tell him, "you tell me

who you gave the money to or I'll take this candle... "

cut to the chase. He gave it to Luther Wallace.

Leslie Wallace's son?

That kid who used to shoot off the m-80s?

Yeah. Guess he grew up.

Well, where can we find him?

Oh. You know, that I don't know. Kasey.

Um...

You know,

I think I'm probably gonna, you know...

I'll call you later. Okay.

Oh, great. More bad news.

Afternoon, Cheryl.

I'm afraid I have a search warrant.

What is it this time?

You come to confiscate your wife's panties?

Uh, no,

actually, um, there was a robbery about an hour ago,

over at guerrero mall.

Security cameras picked up a vehicle identified as Cal's

in the parking lot.

How do you know it was Cal?

I don't. But he has priors, so, uh, I gotta check it out.

And I was just starting to miss our little visits.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

People don't know this about me, but I'm actually a healer.

I can just tell where's there's a problem,

that's pretty cool.

Ahh. How do you do that?

Any other problems I can work out for you, Cal?

Yo, dude, dude, dude. Company. Company. Dude.

Tanya, Cruz,

look who's stopped by to say hi.

Wow. Hi. Sorry to interrupt,

but, uh, we got word of a theft over at guerrero mall today,

and, as it turns out, surveillance cameras

picked up your car in the area at the time of the robbery.

That's weird, 'cause, I mean, we were... I'm sorry, officer...

Detective Mack. And, uh, I don't think this concerns you, miss...

Tanya Leterre, and I work at the guerrero mall

at the French silk nail salon, and Cal and Cruz

stopped by a little bit ago to pick me up,

so... "A little bit ago"?

And, uh, how long were you there?

45, 20, 30... 20, 30, 45.

30. I take a while to get ready.

But you could check with Gina, the store manager.

She saw him there. Um, she saw me... me, too.

Yeah, he was driving my car 'cause I was...

I was picking up my girl.

Mack.

Yeah, I know.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm leaving now.

All right, then. Well, there we have it.

French silk nail salon. French.

You still need to look around? No. No, I think I'm okay.

But, uh, I'll hang on to this just in case.

See ya.

Bye.

I have a question for you.

You heard her. We were just... right now,

I don't even wanna know about this.

I wanna know where I can find Luther Wallace.

What, the kid with the m-80s?

Yeah, he doesn't, uh, deal with m-80s anymore, you know?

What do you know about him? It's nothing. He's just into drugs.

You know, we... we- we don't deal with him.

Are you doing a drug deal? No, I'm not doing a drug deal.

Now you wanna answer questions about your afternoon

or you want to get on the phone and

help me find Luther Wallace? You know, if you want,

I can give you a really good foot massage.

No. Hey, ma, I'm gonna- I'm gonna make some...

make some calls, okay? Thank you, Cal.

Whew.

Okay, wait a second.

I'm gonna have to think about this as an assignment from Tyra.

Okay. I'm ready.

When I met Grant Wilby...

I was lying on display in a mermaid costume,

feeling very alone in a crowd of wealthy people. Mm.

Good. Grant Wilby was the only one who actually spoke to me,

so like my modeling, it began with communication.

Can we get some shots with the mermaid tail? Uh, Mia?

There's a reason we came to you and not "celebwhore."

Your blog is about women finding their authentic journey

and claiming their true power.

Heather, what are you doing? Put your top back on.

This is about romance.

Rielle Hunter, but with class.

No, I gotcha. Go on.

By the end of the night, Grant could see I was no mermaid,

and I knew he was no Rick Hardy.

We were just two people finding each other in an empty sea.

Ooh, you're good.

I know. Too bad I'm not cynical enough to do this full-time.

And then say some stuff about how hurt she was

when she found out Grant was married,

and even though she would never want to hurt his wife,

her feelings will never change because "love is not love

which alters when it alteration finds."

Pretty. Is that Rihanna?

Mm!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Shh!

What the hell do you...

be... quiet.

All right?

What are you doing here?

I came to get something that belongs to me.

Okay, you're gonna have to be

a little bit more specific than that.

My business partner gave our money to her boyfriend,

and it ended up with Luther Wallace.

I was going to go and get it.

Yeah, keep laughing. That's your wife's money in there.

Ex-wife.

Well, what are you doing here?

At the moment,

I'm saving you from getting killed in a drug bust. What?

Yeah, there's 20 cops around this house right now.

We've been setting this up for over a year,

and you almost walked smack-dab in the middle of it. 20 cops?

Yeah.

For little Luther? Wow. He has grown up.

Hold on.

Sergeant Mack, what's your status?

Yeah, I had to make an interception.

You need backup? No, we're good.

Is it really necessary for you to lay on top of me?

Yes.

Why?

Because I don't know what you're gonna pull.

I haven't figured you out yet.

I'm not that hard to figure out.

Yeah?

Well, you're a lot more complicated than you seem.

We're in position and ready to move in.

Yeah. Copy that.

We're good to go.

All right, we're gonna go now.

Stay down.

Okay. Good.

Oh, wait. Try not to shoot Luther.

His mom and I were den mothers.

Okay.

I have two minutes.

If you're going to attempt another apology,

I suggest you start with your girlfriend.

I'm not gonna apologize

'cause I'm not sorry.

Ever since we spent that night together,

I can't think of anything else.

Then you came into the firm,

and I thought a lot of things,

but "sorry" wasn't one of them.

I appreciate you being so direct.

Are we finished?

What else am I supposed to say?

Follow me.

Turn around.

So does he look like you remember?

He was such a good webelo.

I'm guessing he never made it to eagle scout.

His mother must be sick.

Well, in my experience,

the mothers are always the last to know,

and even then, they don't believe it.

Let me get a new shot. Oh, yeah. Sure.

I'm goin' inside.

The evidence count.

I'll put it in the report. All right.

I guess that means I'm not getting my money back.

What exactly was your plan here, anyway?

Just gonna knock on the door and ask nicely?

Something like that,

only I wasn't gonna be so ce.

You are something else, Cheryl West, I'll give you that.

Well, do me a favor.

Tell your wife that she's not gonna get her slutty panties

because of your drug bust. Ex-wife.

And I'm pretty sure she'd prefer I not know anything about this,

you know, seeing how it wasn't my kinda thing?

Oh. I'm sorry about that.

That was out of line.

No, no. You were right.

You know how it is.

You get together when you're young.

You think you'll always be that person you were when you met.

Then one day...

You're not.

Um, well...

Uh, I... I better...

Thanks for saving my life and, you know, whatever.

Hey.

Just finishing the report. Yeah, uh, I'm gonna need a recount.

The whole thing? Afraid so.

We're getting two different numbers on the cash.

Who knows what else we missed, right?

Sorry about that.

Hey, mom, you got any of those,

uh, silk corset thingies left?

I thought you hated these things. On old, fat ladies, yeah,

but on me, my boobs look great. Oh.

Who wants to see the triumph of Heather West

over the sexist media? Is that a good thing?

What are you talking about? "Meet the homewrecker"?

It's postmodern irony, mom. Keep reading.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so gonna get work out of this. Nice!

For admitting to outdoor sex with an aging tv star.

No, for getting photoshopped. Look at that. "Think what you may,

but after my long conversation with Grant..."

"We discovered the rarest of things in life,

a true connection." A true connection.

You said that? Heather was more in charge of the visuals.

Ah. I was in charge of the content.

It's so awesome having an evil genius as a sister.

Well, I prefer to think of it as "skilled media negotiator."

Totally legal, I might add. Well,

let's just hope it had the intended effect,

whatever that might be.

Oh, if that's kasey, tell her I'm in the shower.

This is so awesome. I'm gonna be so famous.

I'll get it.

Mm-hmm.

Grant.

Heather. I saw the interview.

I had no idea.

Oh. Well, about that...

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment."

That's my favorite.

Oh.

Uh, well, I guess it's too bad

that you're married and everything.

Actually, it was my wife who saw the interview.

She was actually the one who forwarded it to me.

Anyway, we're separating.

Look, I'm staying at the hidden palms.

So we can be together now.

I was still reading that.

I know, and it only gets better.

Listen, I feel terrible.

Oh, imagine that. What do you want me to say?

What do you think you should say?

That I appreciate everything you did for me,

and it's hard when people grow apart. Oh, is that what happened?

Valerie, when we met, I was still a kid.

Yes, and you've turned into a lying cheater.

I'm so proud. Yeah.

Couldn't you at least say you're sorry?

I'm sorry.

I really am.

Thank you. Apology accepted.

And I will also accept...

Payment in full for all the hours I tutored you

to get you into law school and pass the bar.

As for the student loans, there's no rush on that,

but I will be charging you 7% interest...

1% for every year you took from me.

Valerie.

Logan lent us the money.

So that's us at the post office sending out our last shipment.

We worked all night, but we made our deadline.

And roxy says that we'll make enough money,

next time we can hire someone to help with the sewing,

because I may be lot of things,

but I ain't no seamstress. Hmm.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Hopefully it'll last longer than your last three jobs.

You know, it would be really nice

if you could just have a little bit of faith in me.

You don't think I have reason to have my doubts, Cheryl?

No, I'll tell you what I think.

Think the hardest thing for you besides watching me fail

is watching me succeed.

You can't stand it. It's the same with Logan.

Anytime that we wanna spread our wings,

you just have to shoot us down.

Let me tell you something about your glorious son, okay?

Oh, come on. He ditched his old man.

Yeah, that's right.

So forgive me if it's kinda hard

for me to have "a little faith."

Evening, Cheryl.

Should I ask if you have a warrant?

No.

I was just, uh, dropping by to return something of yours.

What's this?

That is the item that you tried to reclaim yesterday.

And...

Just how exactly did I reclaim this?

Well, it doesn't really matter. You just did.

Okay.

Why?

Why?

Yeah.

Well, because, uh,

that's what cops do, right?

We help honest, hardworking people

who shouldn't be getting screwed.

Did you just call me "honest," Detective Mack?

I think I did.

Well, good luck with the business.

Oh. What's it called?

Full bloom.

Full bloom.

Now that's something to shoot for.

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