All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s05e09 The Big Picture.eng

Your mother cut off
your trust fund

and had you evicted
from your apartment?

Yes.
Can you believe--

- it took her so long?
- No.

You know whose fault it is?
Curry Povich over here.

He's the one
that talked her into it.

Her reasons are valid.

She's trying to help you
grow up.

I don't want to.

Sir, the value of maturity
is that--

[blows raspberry]

All right, Russell.

Timmy had me look
at your finances

and, uh, the good news is you
don't have a ton of expenses.

It's just mostly
the three "c"s.

Uh, the three "c"s, sir?

Uh, cocktails, condoms,
and call girls.

I can't believe life's
kicked me in the nard sack.

Life's not fair, princess.

I'm about to get
my year-end bonus

and it has nothing to do
with job performance.

It's all about sucking up
to the boss.

You could do that.

Yeah, just lumber in there
with that big frankenstein head.

Rrr.
Me like boss.

Don't be scared.
Boss good.

How would you like to get
thrown down a well?

I don't play that game.

Kissing up's not my style.

Yes, your marriage proposal
included the phrase

"take it or leave it."

You took it.

This is all so dreary.

I can't believe I have
to cut back my expenses.

All right, my limo's here.

If you need me,
I'll be at the plaza.

You're staying at the plaza.

We're supposed to be watching
your finances.

That's why I don't order
any room service.

I get all my food from
that little fridge in my suite.

No, what I mean is
we have to seek out

more affordable accommodations
for you.

So first thing tomorrow,

we're checking you
out of the plaza.

Oh...

Can it not be first thing?

I kind of booked
a spa morning.

This money's got me stressed.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ that I can't wait
for me and you ♪

I got to say,

I thought Swan Lake
was gonna be a snooze-fest,

but it was beautiful.

And how awesome was that guy
who hunted the swan?

Yeah,
but I bet in real life,

he'd rather hunt
trouser snake.

I'm glad I purchased
the series.

I am gonna go change
into something more comfortable.

Yes.

Thank you, ballet.

Hey, babe.
Where are you?

Almost there.

Yeah, you are.

Where did the other lady go?

What other lady?

Do you have those
teeth-whitening trays in?

Uh-huh.

I thought you were gonna get
more comfortable,

you know,
like sex comfortable,

like--like sex-fortable.

Oh, I didn't get that,
but sure, I'm up for it.

You have those trays
in your mouth.

I mean, I was hoping that area
might be available for...

You know.

Well, I can't, but you can.

Great.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I know schmoozing
the boss

isn't really your style,

so I thought I'd do it
for you.

That's nice, but, uh,
I told you, uh,

my bonus will be
what it'll be.

Oh, come on,
I'm not working.

This is a way
I can help us...

Financially.

In that dress,
there are a lot of ways

that you could help us
financially.

Let's have prostitution
as our fallback position.

Come on, I know you're
really good at your job,

but I am really good
at playing the game.

I'm witty. I'm charming.
I'm a real people person.

I agree.
That is how you see yourself.

Anyway, we both know
how Larry feels about women.

I mean, come on,
it's a no-brainer.

[Laughs]

All right, fine.

Make sure that
you rub up against him.

If we're gonna do this,
let's do it right.

[Knocking on door]

[Groaning]

[Grunts]

Sir,
what are you doing here?

Uh, the plaza kicked me out.

Apparently, my mom cut off
all my credit cards,

and I was only using them
for necessities.

You bought
a cotton-candy machine.

I can't believe
I ended up in this outhouse.

Where should I put my hats?

Sir, I've never seen you
wear a hat.

Well,
then you've never seen me

at the Kentucky derby
or a gospel brunch.

How about here?

Sir, you are absolutely
not staying here.

Oh, Tim,
I wish that were true.

Fine.

I'm going to find you
a reasonably priced apartment.

In the meantime, please try not
to pleasure yourself

in my home.

I can't promise to try.

So even though
I love baking,

the cookie-business idea

ended up being a big bust.

Oh, Audrey,
you are a delight.

Bingham, you sack of crap,

how did a horse's ass like you
land such a pretty wife?

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, Jeff.
- [Laughs]

Hey, remember this?

The two of you
with me and Karen

at the company booze cruise.

Karen is lovely.

You really hit the jackpot
with wife number four.

- Five.
- Five.

Can you believe
that picture?

I looked horrible.

I didn't even know
I could make that face.

Well, I wouldn't take
all the credit.

Your friends, gin and tonic,
did most of the heavy lifting.

Whoo-hoo.

This isn't funny.
I don't look like that.

I-I look like that.

That girl's got it going on.

Well, it does represent
the other end of the spectrum.

I'd say that reality lies
somewhere in the middle.

This is so embarrassing.

Everyone who walks
into his office is gonna see me

looking like
nick Nolte's mug shot.

Oh, stop.
You look like Charlize Theron...

In monster.

Everybody knows
how pretty you are.

Thank you.

Maybe I'm just being silly.
You are.

I mean, come on,
would Jeff Bingham be married

to a dog?

I'm thinking
I might start wearing a scarf.

Do you think
I could pull off a scarf?

Because I do.

Ah.

Oh.
Hey, Audrey.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Knocking on door]

Oh. How can
I help you, ma'am?

I don't think
I'm in the right apartment.

Is spirit here?

Well,
let me take a look-see.

I-I don't really know
what I'm looking for.

Spirit's a photographer,
and I'm supposed to be posing

for a series
of bodyscapes for her.

Ah.

Well, these bodies
that are being scaped,

might they be nude?

Yeah.

The body is the art.

Exactly.
I've said that a million times.

Come on in.

Why don't you strip down
to your art?

And I'll go look
for the chick with the camera.

Spirit!

Spirit?

So then she goes
to get more comfortable,

and she comes back
looking...

Well, it was just a mess.

So you wanted makeup sex.

Oh, no,
we didn't even fight.

No, not that makeup sex--

the kind where she's still hot
in her makeup.

Yes, I want that.

I remember makeup sex.

When we were done,
the pillow looked like

someone used it
to suffocate a clown.

But now right before bed,

Audrey puts on
this ratty old robe

I refer to as "the shrinker."

Oh, man,
I got to talk to Jen.

Communicating in marriage--
rookie mistake.

I talked to Aud
about "the shrinker,"

and it was swiftly replaced
by another robe

I refer to as "the termite."

- "The termite"?
- You know...

Destroys wood.

Oh, God.
Well, I mean, what can I do?

- If you want makeup sex...
- Mm-hmm.

Don't let her
out of your sight.

If she moves
to a second location, it's over.

Okay,
no second location.

Oh, hey...

So the robe that Audrey wore
into the lobby

the night that we had
that fire alarm,

was that "the termite"?

No, no.

That was just
"the shrinker."

Dear God.

You guys will never believe
the day I had

with this chick from Timmy's
building and her friends.

Check it out,
a henna tattoo.

What is that symbol?

Oh, it's the chinese word
for honor.

And coincidentally, "honor"
is where I hope to end up.

Ah...

So what, they're just a bunch
of filthy hippies?

I know,
but here's the crazy part.

They're poor,
but they're happy.

And their happiness
comes without money or presents.

It comes without champagne
or succulent pheasants.

Settle down, Mr. grinch.

You know, sometimes
the poor, struggling times

are the most fun,
you know.

There's just no pressure,
no responsibility.

Well, that's it.

My poor, struggling times
are gonna start right now.

By the way,
do you know what bodyscaping is?

Yeah, yeah. My buddy Mike
and I used to do it at the beach

when we were kids.

I don't mean bodysurfing.

No, no, you mean taking
artful pictures

of each other's bodies.

Hey, Aud.

Oh, my handsome man
is home from work,

and here I am
without any underwear.

Did you break the tv?

- No.
- Oh, thank God.

So what happened?
Did somebody die?

Well, here's the thing.
[Clears throat]

I did something
a little bit crazy.

After I saw you today,

I kind of took a detour
back into Larry's office.

And that's when
the underwear came off.

You know,
at a certain point,

it's no longer
just schmoozing.

No, he wasn't there,
but...

I...

Sort of took this.

You stole a picture
from my boss?

I panicked.

I mean, maybe he won't even
notice it's gone.

It's engraved from his wife.
It's got sentimental value...

At least until he starts
putting it to his secretary.

I'm sorry.

Oh, if Larry finds out,
there goes my bonus.

Okay, okay, I screwed up.
How can we fix this?

Oh, now it's "we."

Okay.

When we go out to dinner
tonight, we'll go to my office.

We'll put it back.

Or...

We could just toss it out

and hope he blames
the cleaning lady.

That's a great idea.

That'll teach Rosalita
to come to this country

to make a better life
for her children.

That was the cutest
little restaurant.

I love it
when you surprise me.

Mm-hmm.

So--

mmm.

All right, I'm gonna go and--
- no, no.

No, no, no, no going.

Stay.

- Stay?
- Yes.

You are going to stay
right here.

We got a bottle of wine
in the fridge.

I'm gonna go get it
while you just sit there

looking exactly like that.

A couple of glasses of vino,

maybe we dim the lights, and...

Where'd you go?

I'm just getting
a little more comfortable.

No.

Stupid second location.

Ocean of tears.

That's heavy stuff, man.

A lot of tears in the ocean.

Hey.

I want you to feel
my vibes later, okay?

What on earth
is going on here?

Hey, if you don't like
our jams, man, you can bounce.

Sir...

A word if I may, please.

[Groans]

All right, make it quick.

I'm really feeling
these bongos.

Yours are next.

Sir...

I don't recall authorizing
a douche convention.

[Laughs] Look, I know
they smell like wet dogs,

but they're fun.

I find them to be rude

and severely lacking
any sort of work ethic,

and I expect you
to get rid of them all.

Now, I'm going to go
take a bath.

[Giggles]

I wouldn't do that.

Spirit's kind of having
a bad shroomer trip in there,

and she thinks the toilet's
the portal to another dimension.

Okay...

I'm comfortable.

Oh. Your robe.

I like the coffee stain.
Is that new?

No.

But what's underneath
the robe is.

Sweet.

Did you go
to the dirty-girl store?

Mm-hmm.

I felt bad for the other night
when I had my trays in,

so I thought
I'd make it up to you.

Well, that's terrific.

- Nice outfit.
- [Laughs sheepishly]

Oh.

What?

Do you maybe want to brush
your teeth?

Oh, sure, yeah.

What--what is that,
a milk mustache?

Mm, no.

That's cream-filling
chablis paste.

Oh, that's hot.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.

Oh, God.

You just spit oreo
in my eye.

- I'm sorry.
- Cut it out.

You know what?
Way to kill the mood.

No, Jen.
Oh, come on. I--

Jeff totally owes me sex.

[Elevator bell dings]

Okay.

I'm gonna run it in there.
You stand guard.

Watch my back.
Cover me.

Okay, g.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe
was a brilliant man.

He never married.

It's go time.

- Joe.
- Larry...

You old sack of crap.

Why do you have
my picture?

Why do we have
his picture?

- It's a solid question.
- Well?

The, uh--the truth is
that, uh...

We were taking this picture
to blow it up.

Boom!

It was gonna be
a holiday gift.

I do like that photo.
You know why?

It makes your wife
look so good?

No, elective surgery's
what makes my wife look so good.

This picture shows that
this company is like a family.

It's about relationships.

Isn't that right, Bingham,
you big, stupid monkey fart?

When you're right,
you're right, sir.

[Laughs]

If I'm a betting man,
and I am--

that's why wife number four
left--

I'd say this was all
Audrey's idea.

Well, yeah,
if it wasn't for her,

none of this
would be happening.

So sorry the surprise
is ruined.

It's such a bummer.

Oh, as far as I'm concerned,

that blown-up picture
is right in here.

Great.

So then we can just toss
this one out.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]
Audrey, you are a hoot.

Bingham,
you old road apple,

that is one crazy gal
you got there.

[Laughs]
It's becoming a real problem.

[Ben Harper's burn one down]

♪ ♪

all right, that's enough.

[Music stops]

It's 3:00 in the morning,
and I have to work tomorrow.

You all remember work,
don't you?

It's what pays
for your unemployment benefits.

Whoa, whoa,
who invited fox news?

Yeah,
what's your problem, narc?

Russell's for real.
Yeah, narc.

Keeping it real is what
Russell Dunbar's all about.

- Oh, mm.
- Dunbar?

As in Dunbar industries?

Oh, yeah, Franklin Dunbar--
that's my dad.

I work for him.

Are you kidding me?

Franklin Dunbar
is a greedy capitalist

that only cares
about status and consumption.

All the way to the bank.

Last month
a Dunbar development

destroyed
our community garden

to build a bunch of condos.

Oh, yeah,
that was my project.

Oh, you're not the guy
that chained himself

to a tomato plant--

not a well-thought-out plot.

I can't believe
I touched "the man."

Barely.

Listen, let's chill out
the bad vibes, all right?

Let me express myself...

In verse.

Loser.

Your toenails...
Are disgusting.

Gay--
don't know it yet.

We're onto it.

Slightly annoying,

probably shave nothing,
still want to do ya.

No? Yes? No?

Out, out, out.
Out.

Out. Out.

Peew weew.
You're the worst.

Oh, well...

So much
for my struggling times.

But I feel like
I'm a better person

for having gone through them.

I disagree.

All right, well...

Wake me early.

I've got a gospel brunch
in the morning.

So why are you making me
come up to your office?

Well, I wanted to tell you
that Larry gave me my bonus,

and it did not disappoint.

Oh, that's great, hon.

You and the gals
get an assist.

Oh, well, you're welcome
from all of us.

But you could have told me that
at home.

Yeah, but then
you wouldn't have seen this.

Oh, my God.

Larry took the whole
"blowing up the picture" idea

and ran with it.

And seeing it like this,

really not your best work.

What's not surprising
is I look great,

which...

You know,
serves to highlight...

Well, you know.

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