Original subtitles

What's up?

Not you, sleepyhead.

Come on, I'm doing a load of whites--I need this top.

Rangers Jersey is not a top.

[Chuckling] Fine. Keep it on.

I'll do the sheets next.

You suck.

What's with all the morning peppiness?

Ah, I'm just rising and shining

and greeting a new day.

Audrey...

There's times I've literally seen you

give the sunrise the finger.

Well, that finger was attached to the old Audrey--

the Audrey who was going to a job every day

that was crushing her spirit.

New Audrey is excited

to greet every day of her bright, new future.

New Audrey is not really working for the old Jeff.

You just--you--you quit your job a week ago.

What happened to taking it easy

and soul searching and finding the meaning in life?

I did all that yesterday.

Besides, I'm too excited to sleep in.

This is my new start.

I'm getting stuff done.

Laundry,

I, uh, changed all the batteries on all the smoke detectors.

Oh, that's what those are.

I thought those were bug zappers.

We don't have bugs.

I thought that was because of the zappers.

Hey, you know, there's something in this for you.

I made you a big, hot breakfast.

Ah, you finally broke the factory seal

on that oven.

Very funny.

I'm not kidding.

Remember that time you baked,

and the user's manual burst into flames?

Bacon, eggs, sausage, and french toast.

Is that powdered sugar on my french toast?

No, I crushed up one of your cholesterol pills.

That's great-- keep it all warm,

'cause I'm going back to bed, and you're coming with me.

[Giggles] No, Jeff. I have too much to do.

I wasn't talking to you.

♪ How many ways to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ that I can't wait for me and you ♪

[Giggles]

Oh, you have got the most adorable

little cream-cheese mustache.

Oh. How embarrassing.

Oh, don't be embarrassed.

I'll take care of it for you.

Oh, barf.

Every morning for weeks.

You know how much porn I have to watch

to get that image out of my head?

Even more than usual?

Yeah, but who has that kind of time?

You know, I thought that, uh, tonight

we could perhaps take in a film.

Oh, no. Tonight I thought we'd have a candlelight dinner.

You can make your quiche.

[Chuckles]

Or perhaps I could grill up a steak.

Oh, I really wanted quiche. Oh, well, then quiche it is.

Oh.

[High-pitched voice] Oh, and, Timmy...

After quiche,

maybe I could tie a pink ribbon around your nards,

and then we can store 'em in a basket of potpourri.

Ah.

Mock away, sir.

Your razzing of my relationship

is infinitely preferable to the japes

you've previously leveled at me,

such as "little foreign boy"

or "cocoa nerd."

[Chuckles] I'm cuckoo for cocoa nerd.

You know, being teased for dating Allison

actually makes me feel like one of the guys.

Well, you would be one of the guys,

if the guys were a bunch of horny towel boys

for an all-gay cricket team.

Ha! That's just what I mean, sir.

Once again, my masculinity has been expertly diminished.

All-gay cricket team--

excellent.

Uh-huh, that's great, Audrey.

So the heating guy is coming on the 16th.

Good. So I've got about 24 days

to prepare for that.

No, I'm writing it down.

I am. I borrowed a pen from Adam.

All I have is a pencil.

My pencil.

You're too sweet. [Chuckles] Wow.

Ah, she's killin' me!

I can't believe I'm married to someone

who's trying to find herself.

You know, Jen went through a period

of trying to find herself.

She went vegan, stopped shaving her legs.

Ah, I remember that.

And she wore shorts. She looked like a centaur.

Hey, that's my fiancee you're talking about, okay?

What's a centaur?

It's, like, a mythical creature,

half-man, half-horse.

Okay, we're good.

Women are out of their minds, but we got to be nice to 'em,

'cause they control all the lady parts.

Hear, hear.

To women.

Can't live with them,

yet life without them represents

an equally unpalatable alternative.

Am I not correct, dogs?

What's with the cocoa nerd?

Well, since he's got a girlfriend,

he wants in on all the guy talk.

[Cell phone ringing] Ugh.

Please be any other Audrey.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Audrey Bingham.

That's it. I'm done.

Finished everything on my list.

I didn't need to quit my job.

I could have just taken a day off!

All right, calm down. It's gonna be fine.

Really, Jeff?

What am I gonna do for the rest of my life?

I got some dry cleaning that needs picking up.

I got it, Jeff. I was there when they opened.

I helped the guy unload his van.

Okay, you know what? Calm down.

Why don't you just go down to the basement

and, uh, get a start on our storage locker?

Oh, yeah. That is a huge mess.

Yes, good. I can do that.

Listen, there's no cell reception in the basement,

so no need to take your phone down there.

No, no, no--I use my phone down there all the time.

Uncool, dude.

Bros precede hos.

Oh, hey, Audrey.

Hey--hey. Wow.

[Laughing] That's a lot of empty wine bottles.

You guys have a party? No.

You just save up your recycling for a long time?

No.

Hey, so you and Adam drink a lot of wine.

Actually, Adam doesn't really like wine.

So are you cleaning out your storage locker?

[Chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

Ran out of anything else to do.

Seemed like such a good idea to quit my job,

but I got to find some purpose for my life.

Oh, well, don't put so much pressure on yourself.

You know, it's like Oprah says.

Sometimes, instead of finding your bless,

let your bliss find you.

You know what? You're right.

It's only been a little while.

I need to stop trying so hard and relax.

Yeah, relax.

Have some wine.

So I'm with that girl--

you know, the one that I've been kind of...

[Imitates rhythmic squeaking]

Yes, I believe her stage name is destiny.

Yes.

Well, ironically,

destiny was not meant to be.

So, uh, I tried to break it off with her gently last night,

but, of course, she threw a fit,

running alongside of the cab, pounding on the door...

Demanding a ride home

or at least directions back to the city.

Not surprising, sir.

The ladies, they be trippin'.

Take it easy, Arsenio.

You're trying to be one of the guys,

not one of the black guys from 1986.

Oh, hello, there, Allison.

Mr. Dunbar and I were just enjoying

some spirited guy talk.

Guy talk? Yes.

Yet another benefit of our relationship

is entry into the ribald fraternity

of men dissing on their females.

[Chuckles]

I'm sure Allison doesn't want to hear about all that.

No, I would.

I've always wondered what boys talk about

when they're hanging out.

Oh, it is most amusing.

For example, at lunch today,

Mr. Bingham said of women that--

hey, whoa, Timmy.

Uh-uh. No.

You're not stealing the punch line this time.

Okay, go right ahead.

He said, "women are out of their minds,

"but we have to be nice to them,

because they control all the lady parts."

Ha! Such rowdy, good humor.

You see, it's funny because there's an element of truth to--

did I say it wrong?

No, Tim, you nailed it.

Is that what you think of women--

that we're all crazy

and that we're only valued for our lady parts?

Well, the thing is, it's...

It's more the way he...

Mr. Dunbar?

Allison and I are waiting for an answer.

So you found all my old stuff from college.

Yeah, it was in the storage locker.

It looks like you were into some pretty cool stuff.

Oh, my chumbawamba cd.

Oh, my God.

You used to wear an earring?

That's a tiny native American dream catcher.

Wow, chicks at the wamba shows

must have gone nuts for that.

I did all right.

Ooh! It's santa.

[Gasps] You had a santa bank?

Were you saving up for the other earring?

Wait a minute.

Could it be?

[Gasps] Santa's holding?

That's why he's always so jolly.

Yeah, the one at the mall did always smell like pot.

We should get rid of it. Absolutely.

Of course, there's different ways

of getting rid of it.

What? You want to smoke it? That's not healthy.

You're just cranky 'cause we're out of wine.

Good point. I'll put a towel under the door.

I'm gonna go throw on some wamba.

Hello, Audrey.

The sole breadwinner is home.

Hey. You want a cookie?

I come home, and you greet me in an apron

with a plate full of cookies?

Look who finally cracked open the suggestion box.

[Giggling] No.

When I was clearing out our storage unit,

I found something wonderful.

Have one.

You want me to eat a cookie you found in the basement?

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend your delicate palate,

guy who ate loose fritos he found on the subway.

[Giggles]

Besides, I made these.

Mmm.

Tasty. Yeah?

When I was down there, I found this old scrapbook,

and there was a whole section

with my grandmother's cookie recipes.

Wow, that old racist

sure knew her way around a cookie.

Anyway, I found her recipes and started baking,

and everything felt right.

Hey, whatever it takes

to keep the wheels from coming off the trolley.

Frankly, I thought you were going a little nuts.

I guess I don't have to...

Worry.

[Bell dings]

Any chance that's a roast?

So what's up with all the cookies?

Well, after I found the recipes and started baking,

I got this idea that this could be my business--

selling my gram-gram's cookies.

I can start small-- just maybe one store at first,

and then we'll see how it goes.

Wait, a store?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I went down into that basement with no purpose,

and I came face-to-face with destiny.

Russell's friend?

No, my destiny.

This is exactly the kind of thing

Oprah is always telling people to do.

She tells people to bake cookies?

And then what-- send them to her?

No.

She tells people to follow their bliss.

And a cookie business could be my bliss.

So what do you think?

[Sighs]

Start-ups are really tough.

Oh.

Start-ups are really tough

if you don't have a fantastic product,

like these cookies.

Really? Sure.

Oh! Isn't it exciting?

Ah, good luck trying to calm me down.

[Laughs]

Just to confirm it, let's get somebody objective

to, uh, try them

and tell us if they're good enough to sell, you know?

Somebody who's not caught up in all the excitement,

like I clearly am.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. How about this one?

Gram-gram's Fudge dunkers.

Maybe we spend another minute on the name.

Okay.

Now you feel mine.

Okay. Okay.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

I get it now.

[Laughing]

[Cell phone ringing] No, no, shh!

Just be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

[Clears throat] Hello?

What?

Are you kidding me?

Okay.

Oh, my God, the best thing in the world just happened.

Audrey invited us over...

To eat cookies.

[Both laughing]

Both: Mmm.

So, Jen, what do you think?

Are they as good as famous amos

or, uh, Mrs. Fields?

No.

They're even better.

It's like Mrs. Fields had sex with famous amos,

and these cookies are their babies.

She'll eat anything. She's like a goat.

Hey!

The question is, would people pay for them?

Mm...

I would pay any amount for these cookies.

Mm, I'm serious...

Every cent I've got.

I would sell my kidneys to kidney purchasers...

And then use my kidney money to buy...

What is this thing?

What are you doing?

Discouraging Adam from selling his kidneys.

Jeff, I'm not an idiot.

My life would be so much easier if you were.

If you didn't believe in the cookie idea,

why did you lie and say you did?

Because I'm your husband.

And I didn't want to crush your dreams.

I figured I'd let dopey and his goat do it for me.

[Laughing]

I'm dopey.

This is great. Great. Great, Jeff!

I needed you to believe in me, and now you pull this crap.

Audrey! Look, I was just trying to help.

The olds are fighting.

Bummer. Let's go home.

Or...

[Audrey and Jeff arguing]

[Gasps]

Ohh...

I knew these cookies had to come from somewhere.

You're just jumping into this without thinking it through.

Well, you could help me think it through.

Okay, all right, let's look at the pros and the cons.

On the con side, there are no pros.

I'm in finance.

I-I know these things.

I see people fail every day--

people much smarter than you with better ideas.

Wow.

You are the ass beneath my wings.

I'm sorry that you're upset.

I'm just trying to save you a lot of disappointment.

Yeah, you know what? There's not gonna be any disappointment,

because I'm doing this without you.

And you'll see.

Ah, won't I feel foolish when you make a fortune

selling gram-gram's butt nuggets!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Mmm.

[Sniffs]

Mr. Bingham, you seem a bit down.

Yeah, why the square face?

Audrey's mad because she's got this stupid idea

for this stupid cookie business,

and she's mad 'cause I called it stupid.

I don't know. People love cookies.

A lot of money to be made in that game.

Well, it's worked out well

for you and your little tree-trunk pals.

My sympathies, Mr. Bingham,

for I, too, now find myself in the punitive quarters

of the doghouse region of my old lady's regard.

Explain.

Well, Mr. one of the guys here,

uh, repeated your line about women controlling the lady parts

to Allison.

Okay, look, see, I know that you're all geeked up

on finding a nerd mate.

You can never repeat our stuff with them.

That's what keeps this whole man-woman deal

from blowing all to hell.

Valuable info, that.

Thanks for the 4-1-1, bro-seph.

I've got to go take a walk and figure stuff out.

Later, Kumar.

Keebler.

Hey.

Hey.

I tried calling you,

but you accidentally left your phone here.

Yes, that certainly was an accident.

I am sorry about our fight.

[Sighs] Me too.

I guess having all this free time

after 15 years of working has made me a little crazy.

Well, no, not just a little.

I should have been more sensitive

about what you're going through, 'cause, you know...

You're my lady. [Giggles]

I'm your "lady"?

Who are you, Kenny Rogers?

In many ways, yes...

I am Kenny Rogers.

I know when to hold 'em, I know when to fold 'em.

And I know when to go all-in,

and that is what I am doing for your cookie business.

Oh, well, you don't have to.

I was just grasping for something to do.

It's really sweet that you want to support me,

but I'm over it.

You're over it? Yeah.

[Scoffs] You're over it?

Mm-hmm.

It would have been nice

to have that information about an hour ago.

You leased a store for me?

Well...

I was feeling bad, so...

Took a walk, and, uh,

the landlord, middle eastern fella,

was putting up a, uh, "for lease" sign.

[Laughing] Oh, my God.

I can't believe you did this.

Well...

I wanted to make up for not being supportive.

Of course, the key component of my plan

was you having an interest in selling cookies.

[Laughing]

Well, if it's any consolation, sweetie,

I love you. It's no consolation.

So this proves that you respect and support me.

Well...

That is something.

And they say you can't put a price on love.

Actually, it's this figure right here.

- Ah, just coffee. - Nothing for me, thanks.

Ugh, I can't believe we ate all those cookies.

I may never be hungry again.

Ah, so our garbage and old soup cans are safe?

Enough with the goat.

All right, don't ram me with the horns.

Yes, my sweet.

Okay, then, bye, Allison.

I tell you what.

Ever since our little guy-talk snafu,

she just does not let up.

Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck.

Timmy, I thought you were really into Allison.

Oh, I am. It's just the fellas here

have come to rely on me for a little peppery banter.

Not me. I, for one, find it disre--

shut up. God.

You know, you are always so sweet and polite.

Don't let these cynical man-apes

ruin you with their stupid, primitive attitudes.

Please do not become one of them.

Oh. You know what?

You're absolutely right.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I've erred, and I shall return immediately

to my former, better self.

Good for you.

Ahh.

Well...

Looks like someone

had an extra helping of bitch this morning.

[Snickering]

Ah. All right.

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