All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s05e06 Baked.eng

What's up?

Not you, sleepyhead.

Come on, I'm doing a load
of whites--I need this top.

Rangers Jersey
is not a top.

[Chuckling]
Fine. Keep it on.

I'll do the sheets next.

You suck.

What's with all
the morning peppiness?

Ah, I'm just
rising and shining

and greeting a new day.

Audrey...

There's times
I've literally seen you

give the sunrise the finger.

Well, that finger was attached
to the old Audrey--

the Audrey who was going
to a job every day

that was crushing her spirit.

New Audrey is excited

to greet every day
of her bright, new future.

New Audrey is not really
working for the old Jeff.

You just--you--you quit
your job a week ago.

What happened
to taking it easy

and soul searching
and finding the meaning in life?

I did all that yesterday.

Besides, I'm too excited
to sleep in.

This is my new start.

I'm getting stuff done.

Laundry,

I, uh, changed all the batteries
on all the smoke detectors.

Oh, that's what those are.

I thought those were
bug zappers.

We don't have bugs.

I thought that was because
of the zappers.

Hey, you know, there's
something in this for you.

I made you
a big, hot breakfast.

Ah, you finally broke
the factory seal

on that oven.

Very funny.

I'm not kidding.

Remember that time
you baked,

and the user's manual
burst into flames?

Bacon, eggs,
sausage, and french toast.

Is that powdered sugar
on my french toast?

No, I crushed up one
of your cholesterol pills.

That's great--
keep it all warm,

'cause I'm going back to bed,
and you're coming with me.

[Giggles] No, Jeff.
I have too much to do.

I wasn't talking to you.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ that I can't wait
for me and you ♪

[Giggles]

Oh, you have got
the most adorable

little cream-cheese
mustache.

Oh.
How embarrassing.

Oh, don't be embarrassed.

I'll take care of it
for you.

Oh, barf.

Every morning for weeks.

You know how much porn
I have to watch

to get that image
out of my head?

Even more than usual?

Yeah, but who
has that kind of time?

You know, I thought
that, uh, tonight

we could perhaps
take in a film.

Oh, no. Tonight I thought
we'd have a candlelight dinner.

You can make your quiche.

[Chuckles]

Or perhaps
I could grill up a steak.

Oh, I really wanted quiche.
Oh, well, then quiche it is.

Oh.

[High-pitched voice]
Oh, and, Timmy...

After quiche,

maybe I could tie a pink ribbon
around your nards,

and then we can store 'em
in a basket of potpourri.

Ah.

Mock away, sir.

Your razzing
of my relationship

is infinitely preferable
to the japes

you've previously
leveled at me,

such as "little foreign boy"

or "cocoa nerd."

[Chuckles]
I'm cuckoo for cocoa nerd.

You know, being teased
for dating Allison

actually makes me feel
like one of the guys.

Well, you would be one
of the guys,

if the guys were a bunch
of horny towel boys

for an all-gay cricket team.

Ha! That's just
what I mean, sir.

Once again, my masculinity
has been expertly diminished.

All-gay cricket team--

excellent.

Uh-huh,
that's great, Audrey.

So the heating guy
is coming on the 16th.

Good.
So I've got about 24 days

to prepare for that.

No, I'm writing it down.

I am.
I borrowed a pen from Adam.

All I have is a pencil.

My pencil.

You're too sweet.
[Chuckles] Wow.

Ah, she's killin' me!

I can't believe
I'm married to someone

who's trying
to find herself.

You know,
Jen went through a period

of trying to find herself.

She went vegan,
stopped shaving her legs.

Ah, I remember that.

And she wore shorts.
She looked like a centaur.

Hey, that's my fiancee
you're talking about, okay?

What's a centaur?

It's, like,
a mythical creature,

half-man, half-horse.

Okay, we're good.

Women are out of their minds,
but we got to be nice to 'em,

'cause they control
all the lady parts.

Hear, hear.

To women.

Can't live with them,

yet life without them
represents

an equally unpalatable
alternative.

Am I not correct, dogs?

What's with the cocoa nerd?

Well, since he's got
a girlfriend,

he wants in
on all the guy talk.

[Cell phone ringing]
Ugh.

Please be any other Audrey.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Audrey Bingham.

That's it.
I'm done.

Finished everything
on my list.

I didn't need
to quit my job.

I could have just taken
a day off!

All right, calm down.
It's gonna be fine.

Really, Jeff?

What am I gonna do
for the rest of my life?

I got some dry cleaning
that needs picking up.

I got it, Jeff.
I was there when they opened.

I helped the guy
unload his van.

Okay, you know what?
Calm down.

Why don't you just
go down to the basement

and, uh, get a start
on our storage locker?

Oh, yeah.
That is a huge mess.

Yes, good.
I can do that.

Listen, there's no
cell reception in the basement,

so no need
to take your phone down there.

No, no, no--I use my phone
down there all the time.

Uncool, dude.

Bros precede hos.

Oh, hey, Audrey.

Hey--hey. Wow.

[Laughing] That's a lot
of empty wine bottles.

You guys have a party?
No.

You just save up
your recycling for a long time?

No.

Hey, so you and Adam
drink a lot of wine.

Actually, Adam
doesn't really like wine.

So are you cleaning out
your storage locker?

[Chuckles]
Yeah, yeah.

Ran out of anything else
to do.

Seemed like such a good idea
to quit my job,

but I got to find
some purpose for my life.

Oh, well, don't put
so much pressure on yourself.

You know,
it's like Oprah says.

Sometimes, instead
of finding your bless,

let your bliss find you.

You know what?
You're right.

It's only been a little while.

I need to stop trying
so hard and relax.

Yeah, relax.

Have some wine.

So I'm with that girl--

you know, the one
that I've been kind of...

[Imitates rhythmic squeaking]

Yes, I believe
her stage name is destiny.

Yes.

Well, ironically,

destiny
was not meant to be.

So, uh, I tried to break it off
with her gently last night,

but, of course,
she threw a fit,

running alongside of the cab,
pounding on the door...

Demanding a ride home

or at least directions
back to the city.

Not surprising, sir.

The ladies,
they be trippin'.

Take it easy, Arsenio.

You're trying to be
one of the guys,

not one of the black guys
from 1986.

Oh, hello, there, Allison.

Mr. Dunbar and I
were just enjoying

some spirited guy talk.

Guy talk?
Yes.

Yet another benefit
of our relationship

is entry
into the ribald fraternity

of men dissing
on their females.

[Chuckles]

I'm sure Allison doesn't want
to hear about all that.

No, I would.

I've always wondered
what boys talk about

when they're hanging out.

Oh, it is most amusing.

For example,
at lunch today,

Mr. Bingham
said of women that--

hey, whoa, Timmy.

Uh-uh. No.

You're not stealing
the punch line this time.

Okay, go right ahead.

He said, "women are out
of their minds,

"but we have to be
nice to them,

because they control
all the lady parts."

Ha!
Such rowdy, good humor.

You see, it's funny because
there's an element of truth to--

did I say it wrong?

No, Tim, you nailed it.

Is that what
you think of women--

that we're all crazy

and that we're only valued
for our lady parts?

Well, the thing is, it's...

It's more the way he...

Mr. Dunbar?

Allison and I are waiting
for an answer.

So you found all my old stuff
from college.

Yeah, it was
in the storage locker.

It looks like you were
into some pretty cool stuff.

Oh, my chumbawamba cd.

Oh, my God.

You used to wear
an earring?

That's a tiny native American
dream catcher.

Wow, chicks
at the wamba shows

must have gone nuts for that.

I did all right.

Ooh!
It's santa.

[Gasps]
You had a santa bank?

Were you saving up
for the other earring?

Wait a minute.

Could it be?

[Gasps]
Santa's holding?

That's why
he's always so jolly.

Yeah, the one at the mall
did always smell like pot.

We should get rid of it.
Absolutely.

Of course,
there's different ways

of getting rid of it.

What? You want to smoke it?
That's not healthy.

You're just cranky
'cause we're out of wine.

Good point.
I'll put a towel under the door.

I'm gonna go throw on
some wamba.

Hello, Audrey.

The sole breadwinner
is home.

Hey.
You want a cookie?

I come home,
and you greet me in an apron

with a plate full of cookies?

Look who finally cracked open
the suggestion box.

[Giggling]
No.

When I was clearing out
our storage unit,

I found something wonderful.

Have one.

You want me to eat a cookie
you found in the basement?

Sorry, I didn't mean
to offend your delicate palate,

guy who ate loose fritos
he found on the subway.

[Giggles]

Besides, I made these.

Mmm.

Tasty.
Yeah?

When I was down there,
I found this old scrapbook,

and there
was a whole section

with my grandmother's
cookie recipes.

Wow, that old racist

sure knew her way
around a cookie.

Anyway, I found her recipes
and started baking,

and everything felt right.

Hey, whatever it takes

to keep the wheels
from coming off the trolley.

Frankly, I thought
you were going a little nuts.

I guess I don't have to...

Worry.

[Bell dings]

Any chance that's a roast?

So what's up
with all the cookies?

Well, after I found
the recipes and started baking,

I got this idea
that this could be my business--

selling
my gram-gram's cookies.

I can start small--
just maybe one store at first,

and then we'll see how it goes.

Wait, a store?

Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.

I went down into that basement
with no purpose,

and I came face-to-face
with destiny.

Russell's friend?

No, my destiny.

This is exactly
the kind of thing

Oprah is always
telling people to do.

She tells people
to bake cookies?

And then what--
send them to her?

No.

She tells people
to follow their bliss.

And a cookie business
could be my bliss.

So what do you think?

[Sighs]

Start-ups are really tough.

Oh.

Start-ups are really tough

if you don't have
a fantastic product,

like these cookies.

Really?
Sure.

Oh!
Isn't it exciting?

Ah, good luck
trying to calm me down.

[Laughs]

Just to confirm it,
let's get somebody objective

to, uh, try them

and tell us if they're
good enough to sell, you know?

Somebody who's not caught up
in all the excitement,

like I clearly am.

Yeah.
That's a good idea.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.
How about this one?

Gram-gram's Fudge dunkers.

Maybe we spend
another minute on the name.

Okay.

Now you feel mine.

Okay.
Okay.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

I get it now.

[Laughing]

[Cell phone ringing]
No, no, shh!

Just be cool.
Be cool. Be cool.

[Clears throat]
Hello?

What?

Are you kidding me?

Okay.

Oh, my God, the best thing
in the world just happened.

Audrey invited us over...

To eat cookies.

[Both laughing]

Both: Mmm.

So, Jen, what do you think?

Are they as good
as famous amos

or, uh, Mrs. Fields?

No.

They're even better.

It's like Mrs. Fields
had sex with famous amos,

and these cookies
are their babies.

She'll eat anything.
She's like a goat.

Hey!

The question is,
would people pay for them?

Mm...

I would pay any amount
for these cookies.

Mm, I'm serious...

Every cent I've got.

I would sell my kidneys
to kidney purchasers...

And then use my kidney money
to buy...

What is this thing?

What are you doing?

Discouraging Adam
from selling his kidneys.

Jeff, I'm not an idiot.

My life would be
so much easier if you were.

If you didn't believe
in the cookie idea,

why did you lie
and say you did?

Because I'm your husband.

And I didn't want
to crush your dreams.

I figured I'd let dopey
and his goat do it for me.

[Laughing]

I'm dopey.

This is great.
Great. Great, Jeff!

I needed you to believe in me,
and now you pull this crap.

Audrey!
Look, I was just trying to help.

The olds are fighting.

Bummer.
Let's go home.

Or...

[Audrey and Jeff arguing]

[Gasps]

Ohh...

I knew these cookies
had to come from somewhere.

You're just jumping into this
without thinking it through.

Well, you could help me
think it through.

Okay, all right, let's look
at the pros and the cons.

On the con side,
there are no pros.

I'm in finance.

I-I know these things.

I see people fail every day--

people much smarter than you
with better ideas.

Wow.

You are the ass
beneath my wings.

I'm sorry that you're upset.

I'm just trying to save you
a lot of disappointment.

Yeah, you know what? There's
not gonna be any disappointment,

because I'm doing this
without you.

And you'll see.

Ah, won't I feel foolish
when you make a fortune

selling gram-gram's
butt nuggets!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Mmm.

[Sniffs]

Mr. Bingham,
you seem a bit down.

Yeah, why the square face?

Audrey's mad because
she's got this stupid idea

for this stupid
cookie business,

and she's mad
'cause I called it stupid.

I don't know.
People love cookies.

A lot of money to be made
in that game.

Well, it's worked out well

for you and your little
tree-trunk pals.

My sympathies,
Mr. Bingham,

for I, too, now find myself
in the punitive quarters

of the doghouse region
of my old lady's regard.

Explain.

Well,
Mr. one of the guys here,

uh, repeated your line about
women controlling the lady parts

to Allison.

Okay, look, see, I know
that you're all geeked up

on finding a nerd mate.

You can never repeat
our stuff with them.

That's what keeps
this whole man-woman deal

from blowing all to hell.

Valuable info, that.

Thanks for the 4-1-1,
bro-seph.

I've got to go take a walk
and figure stuff out.

Later, Kumar.

Keebler.

Hey.

Hey.

I tried calling you,

but you accidentally
left your phone here.

Yes, that certainly was
an accident.

I am sorry
about our fight.

[Sighs] Me too.

I guess having
all this free time

after 15 years of working
has made me a little crazy.

Well, no,
not just a little.

I should have been
more sensitive

about what you're going through,
'cause, you know...

You're my lady.
[Giggles]

I'm your "lady"?

Who are you, Kenny Rogers?

In many ways, yes...

I am Kenny Rogers.

I know when to hold 'em,
I know when to fold 'em.

And I know
when to go all-in,

and that is what I am doing
for your cookie business.

Oh, well,
you don't have to.

I was just grasping
for something to do.

It's really sweet
that you want to support me,

but I'm over it.

You're over it?
Yeah.

[Scoffs]
You're over it?

Mm-hmm.

It would have been nice

to have that information
about an hour ago.

You leased a store for me?

Well...

I was feeling bad, so...

Took a walk, and, uh,

the landlord,
middle eastern fella,

was putting up
a, uh, "for lease" sign.

[Laughing]
Oh, my God.

I can't believe
you did this.

Well...

I wanted to make up
for not being supportive.

Of course, the key component
of my plan

was you having an interest
in selling cookies.

[Laughing]

Well, if it's
any consolation, sweetie,

I love you.
It's no consolation.

So this proves that you
respect and support me.

Well...

That is something.

And they say you can't put
a price on love.

Actually, it's this figure
right here.

- Ah, just coffee.
- Nothing for me, thanks.

Ugh, I can't believe
we ate all those cookies.

I may never
be hungry again.

Ah, so our garbage
and old soup cans are safe?

Enough with the goat.

All right, don't ram me
with the horns.

Yes, my sweet.

Okay, then, bye, Allison.

I tell you what.

Ever since
our little guy-talk snafu,

she just does not let up.

Peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck.

Timmy, I thought you were
really into Allison.

Oh, I am.
It's just the fellas here

have come to rely on me
for a little peppery banter.

Not me.
I, for one, find it disre--

shut up.
God.

You know, you are always
so sweet and polite.

Don't let
these cynical man-apes

ruin you with their stupid,
primitive attitudes.

Please do not become
one of them.

Oh.
You know what?

You're absolutely right.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I've erred, and I shall
return immediately

to my former, better self.

Good for you.

Ahh.

Well...

Looks like someone

had an extra helping
of bitch this morning.

[Snickering]

Ah.
All right.

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