Original subtitles

[film rise theme]

[theme music]

You may ask, why do 100 enemies with 100 swords

pursue one poor poet?

Because they know this poet is a friend of Cyrano de Bergerac.

[applause]

[crowd chatting]

You liked to me.

OK.

So it's not exactly like "Pinocchio."

You should have caught on, DJ, when she said "The Elephant

Man" was like "Dumbo."

[drooling]

What, is Aunt Jackie on?

No, you're drooling on me.

Roseanne, i got to go.

No, Dan.

This is Jackie's big night.

We got to sit here and watch the play,

and then go backstage and tell her it didn't stink.

I'm sick.

I get the flu.

Oh, me too.

[coughing]

Cut.

It out.

Well, you do feel kind of warm.

Yeah, Can we please go?

I need to be sick in my own bathroom.

Well, Jackie's part's coming up now.

And she went to a lot of time and trouble

to make sure her character was special.

We'll just watch her part, and then we'll go.

Even Evil got to die in his own bathroom.

Oh Gods, command the muse to mold my lyric.

Tureen of beef.

That's it.

Let's go.

[theme music]

I got the flu.

I know, Dan.

I just got sick.

I was there, Dan.

I'm sorry about the rug.

It's OK.

You lay down, and I'm going to go get you some soup.

DAN: Ugh.

This is the itchy blanket.

Jeez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu,

and he acts like actually a total baby.

I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu,

and he acts just like a baby.

DAN: Oh, OK.

Roseanne? - Yes?

DAN: Put an ice cube in it so I can eat it right away.

You bet, honey.

It's in there.

It's melting.

Ah yeah, it's almost gone.

It'll be real cool for you now.

Roseanne?

Yeah?

I can't find the remote control.

It's right there.

Put it on channel two for me.

[funny music on tv]

Channel three.

[dramatic music on tv]

Four.

[romantic music on tv]

OK, back to two.

No.

[funny music on tv]

You know what, Dan?

I'm going to click it one more time, and whatever's on,

you're going to watch it.

There, "Hee Haw" in Spanish.

It's your lucky day.

All right, here you go.

Eat your soup.

What?

Well, you have more noodles than I do.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

You've just given me chicken water.

All right, here.

[soup sloshing]

No, I-- now I have too many noodles.

Stay sick, Dan, because as soon as you're well,

I'm going to kill you.

OK, here it is.

Oh, good work Deej.

Give me your handbook, and I'll sign it off.

What's going on?

This is this last requirement for his Woodchuck badge.

He needed to make something out of wood.

And he did.

Hm, well that's beautiful.

Yeah.

I wonder what it is.

Hey, that Woodchuck thing's tonight, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, you can go.

Well, I've got to go.

The reviews are in.

Uh-oh.

ROSEANNE: What?

Too many noodles.

Hon, lift up the lid this time.

So, last night's production of "Cyrano de Bergerac"

proves that the Lanford Community Theater Company

is finally getting better.

[gasps]

It's a rave.

Darling come here.

Look at this.

Here, read, read, read read.

Shirley Fisk, proprietor of Shirl's Nail Hut,

turned in a must-see performance as Roxanne.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Skip down to this part where I circled.

The ensemble--

That's me.

The ensemble was less confused this time around.

Less confused.

That's great, huh?

Well, look at this, would you?

They're putting in a Dairy Queen right next to the bank.

That'll be handy.

Can you be a little more excited for me?

I am.

I'm excited, I swear.

When you said "tureen of beef," I got totally hungry.

DAN: Roseanne!

What?

DAN: Roseanne!

I say what!

DAN: What?

Darling, go see what he wants.

Dad, what do you want?

DAN: What?

Go in there.

I hate sick people.

Hey, what time is it?

I got to get to work by one.

Whoa, work.

You didn't tell me you had a job.

Yeah, I'm walking down at the theater.

Answering phones, you know taking reservations and stuff.

Oh. JACKIE: Yeah.

What are they paying you?

Nothing.

That's an interesting career choice.

I'm part of the theater, Roseanne.

I'm helping out.

Well, do the other actors help out?

When they can, yeah.

They all have jobs.

You just don't get it, do you?

He wants soup.

[phone ringing]

Oh, I could just save him the time

and pour it down the toilet.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yeah, just a minute.

Jackie!

What?

It's Steven Spielberg.

He saw your play last night, and he

wants to fly you out to Hollywood

so you can answer his phone.

That's funny, you're very-- ah.

It's Lou, your stage manager.

Lou?

Hi!

Hey, did you see the review?

Less confused!

Yeah.

Huh?

Oh.

Yep.

OK.

Sure.

All right. Great.

Bye-bye.

Shirley Fisk has the flu.

So?

So I'm the understudy.

I have to go on tonight.

I have to do Roxanne.

Well, who's going to do tureen of beef?

I'm in trouble, Roseanne.

I didn't think she was going to get sick.

She never misses a show.

I didn't really bother to learn the whole part.

What?

Well, I mean, I know a little bit.

I know what happens.

Kind of.

I don't believe you, Jackie.

You better call the guy up and tell him that you can't do it.

I can't do that.

I'm the understudy.

I'm their last resort.

Well, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I should go buy the play.

[upbeat music]

OK, so that what's his name Cyrano, he goes, "Call her."

And then that Christian, he goes, "Roxanne."

and then you go-- - I know this.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

OK, tell me.

You guys have been rehearsing this play for a whole month.

Have you ever even watched it?

I wasn't in this scene.

I didn't care what happened in the rest of the play.

Roseanne, I got bad things coming

out of every part of my body.

Oh, you poor baby.

Is there anything I can do to make

you feel better without actually having to touch you?

I need some post-nasal drip medicine.

Oh, we don't have any of that, Dan.

I'm dripping.

Dan!

I'm working on a scene here.

Can you give me a minute?

No!

I swear, the very next one of yous to whine

is going to get creamed.

Dan, please help her out with her lines.

Aw!

I'll make you some tea.

[coughing]

All right, where were you?

Where?

Christian goes, "It's Christian."

DAN: It's Christian.

And if it is, so?

My dearest Roxanne--

[coughing]

What--

I'm never going to learn this scene.

I'm going to be humiliated in front of the whole town.

[coughing]

Jackie, you've learned the whole rest of the play,

you know.

Why are you having so much trouble with this one scene?

It's too much pressure!

Everything happens in this one scene!

There's too much going on.

First Christian's talking.

And then Cyrano's talking to Christian.

And then Christian is pretending to be Cyrano--

Oh, never mind about me.

I'll be fine.

I'm ready.

Oh no, your Scout thing.

I forgot.

OK, go on out in the car.

I'll get dressed, and I'll meet you out there.

Hurry up.

You can't go out, Dan.

Roseanne, there's no way I'm going to miss this.

He's my son.

I've got to be there.

I'll take him.

OK.

What?

No! Wait a minute!

No, you can't go.

This play starts in two hours.

Well--

I need your help, or I'm just going to flop.

Jackie, DJ made some wood thing,

and they're giving him a medal.

But I was counting on you.

Well, get somebody else in the play to help you.

I can't do that.

Then they'll know I didn't memorize the lines.

[sighs]

Bye.

I can't believe this!

You're dumping me for some stupid merit badge?

That stupid merit badge is the most important thing

in my son's life right now.

Well, this is the most important thing in my life.

If you are any kind of sister, you wouldn't run out on me now.

Yeah, well if I was any kind of sister,

I already would have told you that this whole theater thing

is getting way out of hand.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, that everybody else just has it as a hobby,

but you're turning it into a career, you know,

just because you've got nothing else going on.

Oh, that's what you think.

Ever since you quite the force,

you've just been hanging out, Jackie.

Oh sure, you're not hanging out at the Lobo.

Now it's a theater, but it's still just hanging out.

OK, fine. Sure.

Bye-bye.

Thanks for being there for me, Roseanne.

[coughing]

Shut up, Dan.

[upbeat music]

[gentle music]

You've scrambled the eggs too hard, Becky.

A minute ago he said they were too loose.

Yeah, well now they're too chewy,

and they make his little face hurt.

[plate clatters] - Well hey, that's it.

I'm not cooking for him anymore.

If he wants to eat, he can lick the VapoRub off his chest.

Hey girls, your brother's a chipmunk.

Woodchuck.

Whatever.

Where's you dad?

How's he doing?

He's driving us crazy.

Does my tongue look funny to you?

Ew, gross!

Well, well.

It lives.

Yeah, I feel a little better.

So how come you're driving that girls crazy?

Kicks.

Did Jackie call? DAN: No.

Jeez.

She's a big girl.

I know.

You know, I was thinking-- of course,

what I said to her was true, you know,

but maybe I was a tad insensitive.

How unlike you.

Maybe I ought to just back off and let her live her own life.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

[theatrical music]

Christian!

Cyrano!

And what is this urgency?

She read the letters.

She wants to see me.

Ah, that is good.

But she thinks they are my words.

Is that not what you want?

(WHISPERING) Is someone calling?

Is someone calling?

Is someone calling?

Is someone calling?

Relax, you're doing great.

You think so, Lou?

Well, you're no Shirley Fisk.

Yeah, well, who is?

Not you.

Come, stand beneath the balcony,

whilst I stand behind the tree and whisper the words for you

to woo her. Call her forth.

Roxanne.

Roxanne!

Call her forth louder.

Roxanne!

Is someone calling?

Is someone calling? CHRISTIAN: Roxanne!

- Jackie. - Is some

Someone's calling.

Oh god, Lou.

OK.

Yeah.

OK.

Mayhaps we are at the wrong balcony.

I don't think so.

So, are you from France originally?

Is someone calling?

What shall I say?

Heed what I say and repeat it.

My words before could not express--

My words before could not express--

--what my heart truly feels.

--what my heart truly feels.

Oh.

ROSEANNE: (WHISPERING) I can see that you love me no longer.

My father, the duke, is calling.

Be right back.

What are you doing here?

I can see that you love me no longer.

We had an argument.

We'll work it out.

I'm in a play!

That is the line, Jackie.

Oh, no.

It's no use, Roseanne.

No, you go on out there, and I'll feed you your lines.

No, we can't do that.

Why not?

They're doing it.

Oh, the Big Dipper.

I can see that you love me no longer.

Oh you gods!

Oh you gods!

See how I love--

See how I love--

more than words can say!

more than words can say!

ROSEANNE: Why are you words--

Why are your words-- ROSEANNE: so--

so-- ROSEANNE: halting

halting.

How shall I explain?

I shall speak for you.

Good.

Each word struggles through the dark, seeking your light.

ROSEANNE: If that were true--

If that were true.

ROSEANNE: my own words--

my own words--

ROSEANNE: would struggle like yours.

would struggle like yours.

It seems to me that your words come more

easily than they did before.

ROSEANNE: That's right!

I know!

But I have never spoken with my true heart, before.

Why not?

Because I have never spoken to your heart before.

I love you.

Christian!

Oh, you do tremble like a leaf.

Yes, I tremble.

I tremble with love.

For you have made me love you.

That's right!

Give me a kiss.

Now I could die, but for one thing, a kiss!

Come then, it awaits you!

Go Go!

Climb!

JACKIE: A kiss, sweet as nectar.

Come claim your prize.

Roxanne!

Hey Lou, is that guy single?

[theatrical music]

Excuse me, Roseanne, I need the table.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Jackie was that tonight, wasn't she?

Yeah well, the important thing is, she fit the costume.

Hey Phil, good job tonight.

Hey, thanks Roseanne.

Jackie did good, don't you think?

Well, I got to tell you, I've been doing community theater

for 14 years now and, no.

Well, she remembered most of her lines.

Yeah, that she did.

I'll see you. - OK.

Have a nice night.

I said no, Al.

Come on.

Are you going to stand there and tell

me you didn't feel something special

going on between us tonight?

I was playing a part.

I was acting.

Come on, you're not that good of an actor.

Good night, Al.

Good night, Roxanne.

[laughing]

What a doof.

Jackie, you were great.

JACKIE: No, I wasn't.

Oh yes you were!

No.

Everybody was leaving during my curtain call.

Well, sure, because it's snowing outside,

you know, and they want to get home.

Shirley got roses.

I didn't get roses.

Well, that was opening night.

You only get roses on opening night.

You're just saying that, Roseanne.

You're just trying not to make me feel bad.

Oh Jackie, have some confidence, OK?

God, you're pathetic.

You know, you were right, before.

I haven't done anything, really, since I quit the force.

Well you've got the right to take your time

and figure out what it is you really want to do.

I've had plenty of time.

I know.

It's just that I was really proud of being a cop, you know,

so--

I know that.

I don't want to do just anything.

Well, you'll find something, Jackie, trust me.

You've got a lot of potential. - Yeah.

You're going to find the right thing.

You'll see.

So you really thought I was good, huh?

I-- I couldn't believe it. I thought you were great.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe Roxanne isn't my part.

I don't know.

She, uh, dumps the really cool guy

with the big nose for the moron with the cute butt.

That's right up your alley.

I must find a way to make her love me!

Now!

And how am I to teach--

how am I to--

how am I to--

[sneezing]

Bless you.

And how am I to teach you now?

What?

Nose.

Nose.

Oh god.

I shall die!

Oh, yes.

Stand here beneath our balcony whilst I stand behind the tree

and whisper the words for you to woo her.

[sneezing]

Roxanne!

Is someone call--

[sneezing]

Is someone call--

[sneezing]

A token of her love.

[sneezing]

[film rise theme]

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