All language subtitles for Roseanne s03e16 Home-Ec.eng

[MUSIC PLAYING - ED STARINK,
ROSEANNE THEME SONG]

[music playing]

Darlene, we got you now.

You what?

Letter from your school.

Darlene's in trouble.

Darlene's in trouble.

Nya, nya.

Nya, nya nya nya nya.

One

You wanna tell us right away
before we find out anyhow?

All right, I cut Spanish
class, but it's not my fault.

I mean, Meryl forgot to
wake me up after biology.

OK, well, you got
dishes for an extra week,

then, young lady.

Dear Mr. Conner, the
Lanford Board of Education

invites you to share your
career skills with our students.

If you are interested,
la da da da da.

Doesn't say anything about
skipping Spanish class.

Well, I guess that
makes me a moron.

Guess so.

Hi.

Darlene, you're
wearing my shirt.

Get off my back, I
got bigger problems.

Why, what's going on?

Career day at junior high.

They want Dad to
come down and speak.

Oh, bummer, Darlene.

He wouldn't do it.

He's too cool.

That's me.

Ice D. Too cool for school.

You know what kind of makes
me mad about this whole thing?

Is how come it's just like,
automatically made out to you

and not me.

Well, honey, I am the
professional of the family.

All right.

I forgot about your
master's in drywalling.

You know the real reason, Dan.

It's just 'cause you're a man.

Oh, God, she's
going feminist on me.

You know, what, like
I'm not good enough

for their little junior high
school career day, you know?

Like some housewife doesn't
have anything important to say?

Well, it's an outrage, Mom.

I mean, I say you go down
there, and you show 'em

how tough your job really is.

Well, maybe I will.

Thank you, Becky.

Well, maybe next time you'll
keep your grubby little paws

off my stuff.

Mom, you're not going to let
some blonde bimbette tell you

what to do.

What is your problem?

Are you embarrassed
of your mother?

Don't get offended, Mom.

I'm just embarrassed of Dad.

Hah, you're just saying that.

Hey, DJ.

What's, uh, in the bag?

Nothing.

Well, thanks for
giving him a ride home.

Yeah, I suppose you
want a free dinner now.

You're welcome.

Uh, Roseanne, can I alk-tay
with ou-yay in ivate-pray?

OK dokay.

Durrr, I, I don't understand
what they're talking about,

do you?

So, what's up?

This is in the
strictest of confidence.

DJ has a little problem.

Huh, yeah.

Where've you been, Jackie?

No.

I mean there's some
bully school has been

threatening to beat
him up unless he

brings him a Twinkie every day.

Are you sure?

Yes, he made me
buy him a whole box.

That's what's in that bag.

But remember, this is
just between you and me.

Right.

DJ!

Oh, Roseanne, I promised him
I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Well, you lied.

Yeah?

What is this about, ah--

you're having some problem
at school with some bully?

Deej, I'm sorry.

She forced it out of me.

Wuss.

Deej, what's going on?

It's OK.

As long as I give Kevin more
than two Twinkies every day

he won't beat me up.

No, it's not OK.

You can't go through life
giving in to bullies.

But I wanna live!

Well, I'm going
to call the school.

- No.
- No, you can't do that, Rose.

Everyone'll think
he's a squealer.

Yeah, then he'll
really get the cream

cheese kicked out of him.

Well then, Not going to
call this kid's parents.

No, don't do that,
he's gonna beat me up!

He's gonna beat me up!

Well, what am
I supposed to do?

Well, I'm going to have to
teach the kid how to fight.

Come on, Dan.

DJ's just a little tiny boy.

You know, size isn't really
the issue here, Roseanne.

Uh, back when I
was on the force--

Here we go.

No, I'm just saying that if
you know what you're doing,

anybody can take out anybody.

You know, I could put Dan
on the floor right now,

if I wanted to.

Yeah.

And you could sprout little
pink wings and fly away.

What, you don't think I can?

Dan, I was a cop.

Take your best shot, Officer.

Yaaaaa!

Gaaaaah!
- Ow, ow.

She pulled a hair out.

See?

I'm gonna go up
and teach the kid

how to take care of himself.

Oh, Dan, you know if DJ tries
to fight, he'll just get hurt.

Don't worry.

I'll make it clear that
fighting isn't the answer.

Once you're sure you can win.

Meantime, I'll just keep
him stocked up in Twinkies.

Well, I guess I'll get this
place cleaned up for you.

I'll just start by tossing
this letter from the school.

Eh, might as well, I guess.

Aw, all right, Mom.

What's the matter?

Darlene having
problems at school?

Not yet.

[music playing]

All right,
everybody, listen up.

Today, we are very lucky to
have as our guest speaker

a woman who chose to make
home economics her life.

I want you all to welcome
Mrs. Roseanne Conner.

Here, kill me.

Mrs. Conner has been a wife
and a mother for 17 years.

And she's come to us today to
present a sort of common sense

approach to home economics.

Mrs. Conner.

OK, well.

Um, OK.

Well, OK.

You know how a lot
of people don't think

that being a housewife is
very important and everything,

but OK.

A lot of people depend
on you, you know?

And you got to be really
smart, and really dedicated.

You know.

Well, it's kind of like being
a doctor, only, you know, um--

the hours are longer, and
you don't get any pay,

and, um, it's way bloodier, so.

It's probably not like
being a doctor at all.

Well, anyway, any
questions, or-- ?

Yes, Darlene.

May I be expelled?

No, Darlene.

You got a question?

What did you really
want to do with your life?

Well, I tried,
you know, lounging

on the beaches of
Europe, but somehow

that just left me empty.

Now, believe this
or not, I mean, I

really wanted to have a family.

Maybe not the one I got, but--

you know.

What's What's your
favorite soap opera?

Well-- you know,
I don't do that.

Is that what you
think that, you know,

you just watch soap operas
and all that kind-- you know--

OK.

Raising a family--
well, it's a career.

OK?

It's kind of like
managing a factory.

Now she manages a factory.

No, no.

This is going to be way
better than the doctor thing,

trust me.

Way better.

OK.

Like, I think of my kids like
they're the product, right?

And if I can get them
out there on the market

without them getting returned
defective, then I got my job.

Well, what you
think you could teach

us that we couldn't learn here?

Well, what are
you learning here?

Ooh, well, yesterday we
baked a quiche Lorraine.

No, really.

Yes.

We think it's very important to
learn how to follow a recipe.

And, uh, well,
we've also learned

how to make our own clothes.

Oh, well.

How very Little
House on the Prairie.

Well, I don't know anything
about, like, that kind

of home economics, OK?

The only thing I know
about is, like, you know,

cleaning and shopping and
cooking for a family of five

on a really, really
tight budget, you know,

and still having enough
money left over to buy

that all-important aspirin.

You know.

So.

Well, I don't even know if I
could teach it in class here.

I think we ought to
go on a field trip.

Cool!
[chatter]

Well, I think that
is a great idea,

so why don't you kids
all get permission

from your parents to spend an
afternoon with Mrs. Conner?

Yeah!

[chatter]

Oh, Mom.

Oh, no, that's OK, Darlene.

You can go.

[music playing]

Now, weren't there
some boys in this class?

They didn't wanna come.

Yeah, they think
shopping is a girl thing.

Oh, well, get used to that.

Can we get this
over with, please?

Come on, now, Darlene,
this can be fun.

Here, honey, you can
ride in the seat.

[music playing]

What's the big deal?

It's just the Buy And Beg.

It's not like we haven't
been here a million times.

It's not just the
Buy And Beg, Darlene.

The supermarket
is the very blood

and guts of home economics.

And besides, it's what
makes our country great.

Where else in the
world are you going

to find frozen pizzas, microwave
pizzas, French bread pizzas,

thick crust pizzas,
pizza puffs, pizza rolls,

pizza squares, pizza tarts?

Did I tell you you should never
shop when you're really hungry?

All right, girls.

The mission is meat.

You're making dinner
for five people

and you're on a
really tight budget.

Uh, what's your name?

Meryl.

Meryl, all right.

Step on up to the meat
counter there and pick a meat,

any meat.

All right, let's see.

There's a lot of meat in here.

Some veal, some chicken--

Yeah, but OK: you got
four loads in the laundry,

and you've got a
sink full of dishes,

and your husband gets
really, really cranky if he

has to wait for his dinner.

You gotta move, move, move!

All right, here.

God.

So, girls, let's
see what Meryl picked.

New York steak.

hmm?

So what does your
dad do for a living?

- He's a dermatologist.
- Oh.

Then that would
be a good choice.

Anybody here who doesn't
have a trust fund?

Darlene, what are we
going to have for dinner?

Well, I'm eating
at Meryl's house.

Who wants to see a picture of
Darlene dressed up like a tulip

for her third grade play?

Oh, not me.

Where is that brown garbage?

Here you go.

Yes, girls.

Ground beef.

The stuff that gives
meatloaf its bulk.

But meat's supposed
to be bad for you. r

Yeah, well, so are
Kool Pops, but you've

got to draw the line somewhere.

Let's roll.

Darlene, you stay
here with Mommy.

Why.

Because I just said you're
gonna be teacher's pet.

[music playing]

So, all right.

There we go.

Cornflakes, girls.

The most important ingredient
in tonight's entree.

Why do we need that?

Well, how else
do you think we're

going to turn two
pounds of ground beef

into 11 pounds of
mouthwatering meatloaf?

And the leftovers
stay crunchy in milk.

All right, suck-up.

Hand me a box there.

Oh, nay.

That's the name brand.

Hah.

Here, Meryl.

Bon appetit.

We have to go for the generic.

Why, it's nothing but
second best for our family!

Wait a minute.

My cereal at home
is the name brand.

Now, see, it's just
a name brand box,

and I've been refilling it with
the cheap stuff since 1985.

You mean I've been eating
generic Frankenberries?

I'm sorry you had to
find out this way, sugar.

So anyways, all right,
we got our hamburger,

we got our cornflakes,
we got our potatoes.

I say we roll, huh?

Well, what about a vegetable?

Catch up.

Darlene, go pick up a couple
boxes of Twinkies over there.

How do they save you money?

Oh, they're for my brother.

Cheaper than karate lessons.

OK, now we're going
to go check out,

so do you all have your coupons?

Yes.

And did you all rub
off the expiration date

like I told you to?

Yes.

All right, we're
on a tight schedule.

Let's roll.

[music playing]

Yes, girls, this here
is the checkout line,

and this is where you'll
be spending the majority

of your adult life.

And this here is where
they really try to get you.

See?

It's all about impulse buying.

But you've got to try
to resist the impulse.

You gotta say to yourself,
I do not need anything here.

I do not need anything here.

'Cause everything that's
here are Tootsie rolls.

God, do you believe this?

That woman is,
like, on every cover

of every one of these papers.

Hmm, check it out.

She put a voodoo curse
on her ex-husband.

She's a damn good
singer, though.

Hey, look what this
here guy's buying.

Vodka, Mallomars,
and a TV guide.

I'm thinking, single
and staying that way.

[music playing]

Oh!

Well, girls, this
is some of what

you're going to be feeding.

Are you sure we bought enough?

In the kitchen.

Roseanne.

What's going on?

Who are all those girls?

Well, they're ours, dearest.

Don't you remember?

My God, how long
have I been asleep?

Sleep

All right, all
right, you girls.

All right.

This is where we're
going to turn all

of these fine and
dandy ingredients

into a lovely meal
that will make

your family look you right in
the eye and say, let's eat out.

You write this down.

OK, take that meat,
and the cornflakes,

and the tomato sauce, garlic
salt, salt, and a couple eggs,

you know, and mush them
all up and everything.

And then, put it right
here in this cake

pan with the brown and
black stains on the bottom

and cook it at 375.

All right, girls,
there you have it.

A nutritious meal for five, plus
two lunches, for only $12.73.

Cheaper than fast food,
faster than cheap food.

And that is what I
call home economics.

How long do we cook it?

Still the oldest kid comes
down and whines, Oh, God,

not meatloaf again.

All new when you're ready.

Hey, wait a minute.

I don't see why I
have to be stuck

in this kitchen killing myself
cooking dinner for this family.

Yeah!

[chatter]

This is a proud, proud,
proud, moment for me, girls.

Now you're sounding
like real housewives.

[music playing]

Jeez, I can't believe they're
in there cooking us dinner.

Yeah, awesome, isn't it?

You think they'd
tune up the truck

for a little extra credit?

Well, I suppose that
depends on how nice

you're going to be the teacher.

Mmmmm.

Excuse me.

What kind of salad dressing
would you like, Mr. Conner?

I don't know.

Nobody has ever
asked me that before.

Oh, you're just
confusing him now, Susie.

Orange or red, Dan?

Oh, orange.

Yeah, It's a
Thousand Island in the,

ah, door of the
fridge out there.

Now, where were we, my pet?

Appetizers.

Oh, nobody needs to see that.

Oh, someone just
pulled in our driveway.

- Who?
- I don't know.

He looked angry.

[doorbell rings]

You want to get that?

OK.

- Conner?
- Possibly.

I'm Jim Morgan,
Kevin Morgan's father.

Hey, that's the kid that's
been beating up on DJ.

Yeah, well, that's
not the way I hear it.

My kid came home
with a fat lip today.

He said if he didn't bring two
Twinkies to your kid tomorrow,

he's going to get it again.

So, you're saying that
DJ was beating up your kid?

That's terrible!

DJ, come on down here now.

Yeah, step on it, killer.

Don't make any sudden moves,
we don't want to get him riled.

Yeah?

Come over here.

This is the kid?

DJ, uh, this is
Kevin Morgan's dad.

Uh-oh.

He says you've been
beating on his kid.

Is it true?

Wait a minute,
something's wrong.

Kevin could take this kid apart.

DJ, what's going on?

Kevin was picking on me.

So I got somebody
else to pick on him.

What do you mean?

I had a bodyguard.

It cost me one
Twinkie every day.

My God, Dan.

It's the famous Twinkie defense.

I don't buy it.

Why wouldn't he just tell
me about this bodyguard?

Well, hold on.

Who's the bodyguard, Deej?

Maxine Spencer.

Well, enough said, huh, Morgan?

That is one twisted
little kid you got there.

Hey, that twisted little kid
was just defending himself.

Your kid started
the whole thing.

I want you to call this off.

Not until you
call your kid off.

Where do you get off
telling me what to do?

Whoa, settle down,
or I'll give my wife

a donut to kick your butt.

I'm out of here.

All right, Einstein!

Dan.

What?

Don't encourage him.

Kid's a genius!

He's an extortionist.

So, what, now I'm
buying Twinkies

for Maxine instead of Kevin?

No.

I told Kevin I'd call
Maxine off if he gives me

two Twinkies every day,
then give one to Maxine,

and eat the other one.

It doesn't cost you anything.

He is a genius.

What are you doing out here?

Well, I just wanted to tell
you that I learned something

kind of important today.

Your job is important,
and it's tough.

So I'm going to
make a lot of money,

or I'm gonna marry a rich guy
so I don't have to do any of it.

Ah, the student surpasses
the teacher, grasshopper.

- Oh, God, not meatloaf again.
- It's ready!

After you, godfather.

[music playing]

Rose?

Rosie.

Honey.

Rose?

Aaaah!

I told you, Dan!

Size means nothing!

Rosie!

Aaah!

Gaah!

[wheezing] [gargling]

If you start to black
out, tap me twice.

Want a beer, Jack?

Not right now.

[groaning]

You give up?

You give up?

Oh.

[yelling]

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