Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING - ED STARINK, ROSEANNE THEME SONG]

[music playing]

Darlene, we got you now.

You what?

Letter from your school.

Darlene's in trouble.

Darlene's in trouble.

Nya, nya.

Nya, nya nya nya nya.

One

You wanna tell us right away before we find out anyhow?

All right, I cut Spanish class, but it's not my fault.

I mean, Meryl forgot to wake me up after biology.

OK, well, you got dishes for an extra week,

then, young lady.

Dear Mr. Conner, the Lanford Board of Education

invites you to share your career skills with our students.

If you are interested, la da da da da.

Doesn't say anything about skipping Spanish class.

Well, I guess that makes me a moron.

Guess so.

Hi.

Darlene, you're wearing my shirt.

Get off my back, I got bigger problems.

Why, what's going on?

Career day at junior high.

They want Dad to come down and speak.

Oh, bummer, Darlene.

He wouldn't do it.

He's too cool.

That's me.

Ice D. Too cool for school.

You know what kind of makes me mad about this whole thing?

Is how come it's just like, automatically made out to you

and not me.

Well, honey, I am the professional of the family.

All right.

I forgot about your master's in drywalling.

You know the real reason, Dan.

It's just 'cause you're a man.

Oh, God, she's going feminist on me.

You know, what, like I'm not good enough

for their little junior high school career day, you know?

Like some housewife doesn't have anything important to say?

Well, it's an outrage, Mom.

I mean, I say you go down there, and you show 'em

how tough your job really is.

Well, maybe I will.

Thank you, Becky.

Well, maybe next time you'll keep your grubby little paws

off my stuff.

Mom, you're not going to let some blonde bimbette tell you

what to do.

What is your problem?

Are you embarrassed of your mother?

Don't get offended, Mom.

I'm just embarrassed of Dad.

Hah, you're just saying that.

Hey, DJ.

What's, uh, in the bag?

Nothing.

Well, thanks for giving him a ride home.

Yeah, I suppose you want a free dinner now.

You're welcome.

Uh, Roseanne, can I alk-tay with ou-yay in ivate-pray?

OK dokay.

Durrr, I, I don't understand what they're talking about,

do you?

So, what's up?

This is in the strictest of confidence.

DJ has a little problem.

Huh, yeah.

Where've you been, Jackie?

No.

I mean there's some bully school has been

threatening to beat him up unless he

brings him a Twinkie every day.

Are you sure?

Yes, he made me buy him a whole box.

That's what's in that bag.

But remember, this is just between you and me.

Right.

DJ!

Oh, Roseanne, I promised him I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Well, you lied.

Yeah?

What is this about, ah--

you're having some problem at school with some bully?

Deej, I'm sorry.

She forced it out of me.

Wuss.

Deej, what's going on?

It's OK.

As long as I give Kevin more than two Twinkies every day

he won't beat me up.

No, it's not OK.

You can't go through life giving in to bullies.

But I wanna live!

Well, I'm going to call the school.

- No. - No, you can't do that, Rose.

Everyone'll think he's a squealer.

Yeah, then he'll really get the cream

cheese kicked out of him.

Well then, Not going to call this kid's parents.

No, don't do that, he's gonna beat me up!

He's gonna beat me up!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I'm going to have to teach the kid how to fight.

Come on, Dan.

DJ's just a little tiny boy.

You know, size isn't really the issue here, Roseanne.

Uh, back when I was on the force--

Here we go.

No, I'm just saying that if you know what you're doing,

anybody can take out anybody.

You know, I could put Dan on the floor right now,

if I wanted to.

Yeah.

And you could sprout little pink wings and fly away.

What, you don't think I can?

Dan, I was a cop.

Take your best shot, Officer.

Yaaaaa!

Gaaaaah! - Ow, ow.

She pulled a hair out.

See?

I'm gonna go up and teach the kid

how to take care of himself.

Oh, Dan, you know if DJ tries to fight, he'll just get hurt.

Don't worry.

I'll make it clear that fighting isn't the answer.

Once you're sure you can win.

Meantime, I'll just keep him stocked up in Twinkies.

Well, I guess I'll get this place cleaned up for you.

I'll just start by tossing this letter from the school.

Eh, might as well, I guess.

Aw, all right, Mom.

What's the matter?

Darlene having problems at school?

Not yet.

[music playing]

All right, everybody, listen up.

Today, we are very lucky to have as our guest speaker

a woman who chose to make home economics her life.

I want you all to welcome Mrs. Roseanne Conner.

Here, kill me.

Mrs. Conner has been a wife and a mother for 17 years.

And she's come to us today to present a sort of common sense

approach to home economics.

Mrs. Conner.

OK, well.

Um, OK.

Well, OK.

You know how a lot of people don't think

that being a housewife is very important and everything,

but OK.

A lot of people depend on you, you know?

And you got to be really smart, and really dedicated.

You know.

Well, it's kind of like being a doctor, only, you know, um--

the hours are longer, and you don't get any pay,

and, um, it's way bloodier, so.

It's probably not like being a doctor at all.

Well, anyway, any questions, or-- ?

Yes, Darlene.

May I be expelled?

No, Darlene.

You got a question?

What did you really want to do with your life?

Well, I tried, you know, lounging

on the beaches of Europe, but somehow

that just left me empty.

Now, believe this or not, I mean, I

really wanted to have a family.

Maybe not the one I got, but--

you know.

What's What's your favorite soap opera?

Well-- you know, I don't do that.

Is that what you think that, you know,

you just watch soap operas and all that kind-- you know--

OK.

Raising a family-- well, it's a career.

OK?

It's kind of like managing a factory.

Now she manages a factory.

No, no.

This is going to be way better than the doctor thing,

trust me.

Way better.

OK.

Like, I think of my kids like they're the product, right?

And if I can get them out there on the market

without them getting returned defective, then I got my job.

Well, what you think you could teach

us that we couldn't learn here?

Well, what are you learning here?

Ooh, well, yesterday we baked a quiche Lorraine.

No, really.

Yes.

We think it's very important to learn how to follow a recipe.

And, uh, well, we've also learned

how to make our own clothes.

Oh, well.

How very Little House on the Prairie.

Well, I don't know anything about, like, that kind

of home economics, OK?

The only thing I know about is, like, you know,

cleaning and shopping and cooking for a family of five

on a really, really tight budget, you know,

and still having enough money left over to buy

that all-important aspirin.

You know.

So.

Well, I don't even know if I could teach it in class here.

I think we ought to go on a field trip.

Cool! [chatter]

Well, I think that is a great idea,

so why don't you kids all get permission

from your parents to spend an afternoon with Mrs. Conner?

Yeah!

[chatter]

Oh, Mom.

Oh, no, that's OK, Darlene.

You can go.

[music playing]

Now, weren't there some boys in this class?

They didn't wanna come.

Yeah, they think shopping is a girl thing.

Oh, well, get used to that.

Can we get this over with, please?

Come on, now, Darlene, this can be fun.

Here, honey, you can ride in the seat.

[music playing]

What's the big deal?

It's just the Buy And Beg.

It's not like we haven't been here a million times.

It's not just the Buy And Beg, Darlene.

The supermarket is the very blood

and guts of home economics.

And besides, it's what makes our country great.

Where else in the world are you going

to find frozen pizzas, microwave pizzas, French bread pizzas,

thick crust pizzas, pizza puffs, pizza rolls,

pizza squares, pizza tarts?

Did I tell you you should never shop when you're really hungry?

All right, girls.

The mission is meat.

You're making dinner for five people

and you're on a really tight budget.

Uh, what's your name?

Meryl.

Meryl, all right.

Step on up to the meat counter there and pick a meat,

any meat.

All right, let's see.

There's a lot of meat in here.

Some veal, some chicken--

Yeah, but OK: you got four loads in the laundry,

and you've got a sink full of dishes,

and your husband gets really, really cranky if he

has to wait for his dinner.

You gotta move, move, move!

All right, here.

God.

So, girls, let's see what Meryl picked.

New York steak.

hmm?

So what does your dad do for a living?

- He's a dermatologist. - Oh.

Then that would be a good choice.

Anybody here who doesn't have a trust fund?

Darlene, what are we going to have for dinner?

Well, I'm eating at Meryl's house.

Who wants to see a picture of Darlene dressed up like a tulip

for her third grade play?

Oh, not me.

Where is that brown garbage?

Here you go.

Yes, girls.

Ground beef.

The stuff that gives meatloaf its bulk.

But meat's supposed to be bad for you. r

Yeah, well, so are Kool Pops, but you've

got to draw the line somewhere.

Let's roll.

Darlene, you stay here with Mommy.

Why.

Because I just said you're gonna be teacher's pet.

[music playing]

So, all right.

There we go.

Cornflakes, girls.

The most important ingredient in tonight's entree.

Why do we need that?

Well, how else do you think we're

going to turn two pounds of ground beef

into 11 pounds of mouthwatering meatloaf?

And the leftovers stay crunchy in milk.

All right, suck-up.

Hand me a box there.

Oh, nay.

That's the name brand.

Hah.

Here, Meryl.

Bon appetit.

We have to go for the generic.

Why, it's nothing but second best for our family!

Wait a minute.

My cereal at home is the name brand.

Now, see, it's just a name brand box,

and I've been refilling it with the cheap stuff since 1985.

You mean I've been eating generic Frankenberries?

I'm sorry you had to find out this way, sugar.

So anyways, all right, we got our hamburger,

we got our cornflakes, we got our potatoes.

I say we roll, huh?

Well, what about a vegetable?

Catch up.

Darlene, go pick up a couple boxes of Twinkies over there.

How do they save you money?

Oh, they're for my brother.

Cheaper than karate lessons.

OK, now we're going to go check out,

so do you all have your coupons?

Yes.

And did you all rub off the expiration date

like I told you to?

Yes.

All right, we're on a tight schedule.

Let's roll.

[music playing]

Yes, girls, this here is the checkout line,

and this is where you'll be spending the majority

of your adult life.

And this here is where they really try to get you.

See?

It's all about impulse buying.

But you've got to try to resist the impulse.

You gotta say to yourself, I do not need anything here.

I do not need anything here.

'Cause everything that's here are Tootsie rolls.

God, do you believe this?

That woman is, like, on every cover

of every one of these papers.

Hmm, check it out.

She put a voodoo curse on her ex-husband.

She's a damn good singer, though.

Hey, look what this here guy's buying.

Vodka, Mallomars, and a TV guide.

I'm thinking, single and staying that way.

[music playing]

Oh!

Well, girls, this is some of what

you're going to be feeding.

Are you sure we bought enough?

In the kitchen.

Roseanne.

What's going on?

Who are all those girls?

Well, they're ours, dearest.

Don't you remember?

My God, how long have I been asleep?

Sleep

All right, all right, you girls.

All right.

This is where we're going to turn all

of these fine and dandy ingredients

into a lovely meal that will make

your family look you right in the eye and say, let's eat out.

You write this down.

OK, take that meat, and the cornflakes,

and the tomato sauce, garlic salt, salt, and a couple eggs,

you know, and mush them all up and everything.

And then, put it right here in this cake

pan with the brown and black stains on the bottom

and cook it at 375.

All right, girls, there you have it.

A nutritious meal for five, plus two lunches, for only $12.73.

Cheaper than fast food, faster than cheap food.

And that is what I call home economics.

How long do we cook it?

Still the oldest kid comes down and whines, Oh, God,

not meatloaf again.

All new when you're ready.

Hey, wait a minute.

I don't see why I have to be stuck

in this kitchen killing myself cooking dinner for this family.

Yeah!

[chatter]

This is a proud, proud, proud, moment for me, girls.

Now you're sounding like real housewives.

[music playing]

Jeez, I can't believe they're in there cooking us dinner.

Yeah, awesome, isn't it?

You think they'd tune up the truck

for a little extra credit?

Well, I suppose that depends on how nice

you're going to be the teacher.

Mmmmm.

Excuse me.

What kind of salad dressing would you like, Mr. Conner?

I don't know.

Nobody has ever asked me that before.

Oh, you're just confusing him now, Susie.

Orange or red, Dan?

Oh, orange.

Yeah, It's a Thousand Island in the,

ah, door of the fridge out there.

Now, where were we, my pet?

Appetizers.

Oh, nobody needs to see that.

Oh, someone just pulled in our driveway.

- Who? - I don't know.

He looked angry.

[doorbell rings]

You want to get that?

OK.

- Conner? - Possibly.

I'm Jim Morgan, Kevin Morgan's father.

Hey, that's the kid that's been beating up on DJ.

Yeah, well, that's not the way I hear it.

My kid came home with a fat lip today.

He said if he didn't bring two Twinkies to your kid tomorrow,

he's going to get it again.

So, you're saying that DJ was beating up your kid?

That's terrible!

DJ, come on down here now.

Yeah, step on it, killer.

Don't make any sudden moves, we don't want to get him riled.

Yeah?

Come over here.

This is the kid?

DJ, uh, this is Kevin Morgan's dad.

Uh-oh.

He says you've been beating on his kid.

Is it true?

Wait a minute, something's wrong.

Kevin could take this kid apart.

DJ, what's going on?

Kevin was picking on me.

So I got somebody else to pick on him.

What do you mean?

I had a bodyguard.

It cost me one Twinkie every day.

My God, Dan.

It's the famous Twinkie defense.

I don't buy it.

Why wouldn't he just tell me about this bodyguard?

Well, hold on.

Who's the bodyguard, Deej?

Maxine Spencer.

Well, enough said, huh, Morgan?

That is one twisted little kid you got there.

Hey, that twisted little kid was just defending himself.

Your kid started the whole thing.

I want you to call this off.

Not until you call your kid off.

Where do you get off telling me what to do?

Whoa, settle down, or I'll give my wife

a donut to kick your butt.

I'm out of here.

All right, Einstein!

Dan.

What?

Don't encourage him.

Kid's a genius!

He's an extortionist.

So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies

for Maxine instead of Kevin?

No.

I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he gives me

two Twinkies every day, then give one to Maxine,

and eat the other one.

It doesn't cost you anything.

He is a genius.

What are you doing out here?

Well, I just wanted to tell you that I learned something

kind of important today.

Your job is important, and it's tough.

So I'm going to make a lot of money,

or I'm gonna marry a rich guy so I don't have to do any of it.

Ah, the student surpasses the teacher, grasshopper.

- Oh, God, not meatloaf again. - It's ready!

After you, godfather.

[music playing]

Rose?

Rosie.

Honey.

Rose?

Aaaah!

I told you, Dan!

Size means nothing!

Rosie!

Aaah!

Gaah!

[wheezing] [gargling]

If you start to black out, tap me twice.

Want a beer, Jack?

Not right now.

[groaning]

You give up?

You give up?

Oh.

[yelling]

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