Original subtitles

[music playing]

[theme music]

[cackle]

[music playing]

So, Becky, is that the shirt you wore school today?

Yes.

OK.

Would you like another beer, dearest?

Thank you, my pet.

Can I have a beer?

No.

So, Becky, something wrong with your food?

Oh, you mean you hid some food under all this slop?

Hey!

I stuck that in the microwave, pressed Power, pressed Time,

pressed Start, and this is the thanks I get.

God, nobody could eat this crud.

If you don't finish your crud, you're not going

to get any crap for dessert.

Hey, whoa, it's your turn to clear.

Oh, of course.

Isn't it always my turn to clear?

Becky, is there something you'd like to share with us?

Like what?

Like why you've been acting like a total snot lately?

Why don't you just kiss my butt?

Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo.

DAN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No butt-kissing at the dinner table.

I'm just sick of Mom treating me like a baby.

Hello.

What were you doing in my room today?

Cleaning.

Isn't that what you hired me for?

I hate that room anyway.

It's such a little baby room.

Don't you hate it, Darlene?

Who cares?

As soon as I turn 18, I'm out of here.

Why can't you back me up for once?

Well, I don't like you, Becky.

Becky, if you don't like your room, change it.

You know, we got a garage full of paint out there.

Your Dad'll help you.

She means your real dad.

You can get started tomorrow, OK?

Fine, whatever.

Oh, no.

Just seeing your smiling face is thanks enough.

[music playing]

JACKIE: Well, I did it.

I asked that guy out, like you told me to.

Yeah?

How'd it go?

- We got a date for tomorrow. - Way to go.

Yeah.

Only now I have to pay.

No way, the guy pays.

Yeah, but I asked him out.

Well, so the rule is the guy still stays.

Who made up that rule?

Some cheap, hungry woman.

DAN: What do I look like, Becky, your slave?

BECKY: So I was a little late.

DAN: Two hours!

And it's your room!

You think I'm gonna spend my day off painting it by myself?

So what are you going to wear?

I think I'll wear that burgundy pullover.

This whole marriage/family thing's been a lot of fun,

but I gotta go.

Damn.

I lose more husbands that way.

Just don't start with me, Mother, OK?

I've had it.

Oh!

Cover me.

God, it's his problem he's having this stupid hemorrhage.

I mean, I was just going to come down

here, get something to eat, then go up and paint my stupid room.

Oh, no.

Stay down here and fill our lives with joy and mirth.

Hey, I know what you ought to wear on that date--

your red blouse with your black skirt.

That skirt is so short.

I know, but you have great legs.

And you should wear your hair down,

too, you know, cause it'll hide your neck.

What's the matter with my neck?

ROSEANNE: And make sure that you order dessert.

Because I was reading in "Cosmo" where it says that, you know,

a healthy appetite is considered to be sexy nowadays.

I was so far ahead of my time.

DJ: (YELLING) Mom!

What?

DJ: (YELLING) My head's stuck in the drawer!

Not again.

God, doesn't she drive you crazy?

Well, she wants me to be happy, and she cares about me,

and yeah, she drives me crazy.

Well, I'm sick of it.

I mean, she hates everything I do,

my friends, the clothes I wear, the guys I go out with.

Me, too.

Yeah, but at least you get a break.

I mean, you can just come here, do your laundry,

and then go home.

Well, you'll survive, Beck.

Look, she's been doing the same thing to me for 20 years,

and I'm basically a happy person.

Not saying I don't wake up screaming every now and again.

ROSEANNE: Now don't do that again.

And go wash that salad oil off your head.

DJ: OK.

[laughter]

How does he get his head stuck in a drawer?

[laughter]

[sigh]

He's gifted, Jackie.

So what color's this room going to be?

Let's just paint big black bars on the walls.

I mean, it feels like a jail cell.

Might as well look like one.

Come on, Becky.

I don't care, Darlene.

Well, then why are we doing this?

Hey, you don't want to do this, you don't have to.

You know, one minute you say you

want to paint the room, and then the next minute,

you say you don't care.

What is going on with you, Becky?

All right.

Do you remember Mark?

From down the street?

No, that guy I went out with.

Oh, yeah, the stupid one?

He's not stupid.

He's gorgeous.

I mean, you just wish you could meet a guy like that.

Yeah, well, if I wait a couple years, he'll be in my grade.

Well, I'm going out with him tonight.

Don't you remember what Mom and Dad said?

Yeah, so they don't want me to see him again.

So what?

So I'm 16 years old.

I don't have to listen everything she says.

So if they find out, they're going to ground you forever.

Well, they're not going to find out.

Because officially, I'll be at the basketball game with you.

Why should I lie for you?

Because you're good at it.

I don't know.

Come on, Darlene.

Sisters do this for each other.

I can't believe this guy is so important to you.

Oh, please.

I'll owe you.

I'll owe you big.

I guess.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, yeah.

[music playing]

Come on, Becky.

Where are you?

[dog barks]

What are you doing out there?

DARLENE: Uh, dropped my key.

DAN: Well, come inside.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey.

Great game.

They beat us by like 20 points, but at the end,

we went and tipped their bus over and set it on fire.

Where's Becky?

Oh, she went out to get pizza with her friends

after the game.

She should be home in like an hour or so.

Hey, genius.

How long were you at the pizza place

before you remembered that I had all your money?

Uh, not long.

How was the game, Beck?

It was OK.

Who won?

I-- I just told you.

I just want to hear it from her.

Well, she doesn't know, because she was in the bathroom

the whole time, bleaching her upper lip.

So, Becky, who'd you come home with?

I hitched a ride with a serial killer, OK?

Who'd she come home with?

What difference does it make?

We want to know.

God, you're beginning to sound like Mom.

DAN: Hold it.

If I found that really insulting, would it bother you?

Come on, Becky, we asked you a question.

Where were you? - Pizza.

Quiet.

I'm not talking to you.

Well?

Well, you really want to know?

Fine, I was with Mark. - Becky!

You lied to me!

This better not be the Mark I think it is.

Oh, yes, it's the evil Mark with the fake ID, the one

you don't want me to go out with.

The one you're not allowed to go out with, Becky.

Oh, is that so, Roseanne?

DAN: Hey!

Her name is Mother.

And you're grounded till the end of school.

How's that?

That is so lame.

What are you doing to do, tie me up?

You know, I've had just about enough of this.

You are way over the line this time.

Get upstairs.

No!

What do you mean, no?

Oh, you're right.

I don't mean no.

I mean goodbye.

[slams door]

[music playing]

[knock]

You don't have, like, a jealous wife or anything,

do you?

No, none of my wives are jealous.

[laughs]

Oh, I'll be right back.

Who is it?

BECKY: It's me.

Becky?

I can't take it anymore.

Yes, you can.

Bye.

I can't deal with her.

She'll just never understand me.

Becky, how about I come over tomorrow

and we'll talk about it then? - Oh, no, no, I got--

I gotta move in with you. I've made up my mind.

Becky, this is not a good time.

Oh, my god, you guys were just about to, like, do it.

I'm-- I'm really sorry.

I'll just be out in the hall.

Holler when you're done!

Maybe I should go.

No, you sit right there.

Becky, come in here.

Go home.

I can't.

I mean, she doesn't care what I want or if I'm happy.

She never listens to me.

I mean, all she wants to do is run my life.

Becky, please go home.

Please, please, please, please.

That's it, Becky.

Roseanne, please, please, please, Go home,

please, please, please, please.

Oh, I can't believe it. She followed me.

Now do you know what I'm talking about?

Well, what did you expect?

Did you think I was just going let you walk out?

Please, please, please, please, please.

I'll tell you what.

I'll just go home.

No, stay.

Can't you see Jackie's busy?

You're being very rude.

I don't care if she is busy.

See?

It's just like you said.

She just drives you crazy!

Like you said?

Well, we were talking about dating.

And--

And what, like you're some expert on dating?

After all the losers you go out with?

Bye-bye.

I'll call you.

I'm so sorry.

Well, I hope you're both happy.

That loser had potential.

Becky, you're coming home.

No!

I'm staying here with someone who understands me.

I have nothing more to say to you.

I'll be in the other room.

There is no other room, Becky.

Then I'll be in the bathroom.

Becky!

[slams door]

She's all yours.

She can't stay here.

You should've thought about that before you

opened your big mouth.

But I always open my big mouth and nothing

like this ever happened.

Bye, Jackie.

Bye, Becky.

You can't be serious.

Congratulations, it's a girl!

[door closes]

[music playing]

Would you look at all this stuff?

I thought our kids were supposed to be deprived.

Well, we tried.

Where were you?

Getting a drink.

God.

Well, here, take this trash out.

No.

No?

Yeah, no.

I mean, this is my room, and this is the way I want it now.

Wrong.

This is my room.

Because it's in my house, on my lot.

Those are my chairs.

Those are my desks.

That's my Hello Kitty.

There's my Easy-Bake Oven.

So you take my trash downstairs to my garbage cans

and throw it out, now!

Jeez.

Right attitude, wrong daughter.

What's wrong?

Becky's stuff.

Oh, are you gonna get all weepy on me now?

No, I'm not.

Well, come on, let's get it over with.

(TEARFULLY) AC/DC, "Highway to Hell."

I miss her, Dan.

I miss her, too.

You know, we can always call her and tell

her we want her to come home.

No, she's got to come home because she wants to.

When's that gonna happen?

I don't know.

Guess we'll wait a couple more days.

She'll figure it out.

Trust me.

I've lived with Jackie.

We're better.

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing?

Becky's laundry.

How things going over there?

Good.

You and Becky getting along?

Yeah, I'm enjoying having her there.

We gave each other a facial and went down to the mall

to scam guys.

Last night we made prank phone calls.

Crystal's still wondering how Nancy Reagan got her number.

Yeah, is she going to school?

She doing her homework?

She getting in on time?

She's fine, Dan.

She's really been a big help, too.

She's making the bed, doing the dishes.

Oh, well, that is just great, Jackie.

Well, Roseanne, come on, not that big a help.

Nothing that a maid couldn't do.

No, no, I'm happy she's having such a good time.

That way she never has to come home.

Well, what do you want me to do, kick her out?

What makes you so sure she'd come back here?

You are encouraging her to stay.

I am not.

Then how come she's all of a sudden acting so perfect?

Because I'm not her mother.

No, you're making it like some great big damn slumber party.

Roseanne.

I want her home.

Well, come get her.

No.

Then quit yelling at me.

No!

I'm leaving!

Steal my daughter and then leave me her laundry,

like I'm really going to do it.

[door slams]

Oh, sure, take her side.

What do you think?

I won't wait up.

What are you going to do?

Oh, just hang out, I guess.

No Mark tonight?

Look, I just wanted to be able to see him.

I don't have to see him every night.

Well, could get kind of lonely around here.

You sure you don't want me to drop you off somewhere?

I'm not going home, Jackie.

Can't stay here forever.

I know.

JACKIE: All right.

OK.

Well, I left the number where I'm going to be,

right here by the phone.

Oh, and Becky, don't call.

[door closes]

[phone ringing]

JACKIE (ON MACHINE): (SULTRILY) Hello, it's Jacqueline.

I'm all torn up inside about missing your call.

Ow!

Please leave a message and I'll call you.

Bye-bye.

[beep]

ROSEANNE (ON MACHINE): Becky?

Becky, come on, pick up.

Becky, are you there?

Becky, pick up the phone. Becky, come on.

[silence]

[music playing]

[knock]

Who is it?

DARLENE: It's me.

Oh, come on in, Darlene.

Oh my god, you're doing homework?

So?

You don't even know how to run away right.

You're pathetic.

What are you doing here, Darlene?

Well, I came by to tell you that you're a major butthead,

and this just proves me right.

Goodbye, Darlene.

All right, all right, all right.

Um, let me just ask you something.

What did mom do that was so horrible?

Everything!

She wouldn't let me see Mark--

Well, you saw him anyway.

- Well, I had to lie about it. - You didn't lie.

I lied.

I covered for you and I got grounded,

and you don't even care!

Well, I am sorry, Darlene, all right?

No, you're getting off way too easy, Becky.

Go home, Darlene.

Look, Jackie is putting up with you.

Mom and Dad are impossible.

Mom and Jackie are fighting.

Everybody is yelling at everybody else,

and nobody's saying what they should be saying.

Becky, you're a selfish, inconsiderate,

spoiled little brat!

[slams door]

[rewinding tape]

[beep]

ROSEANNE (ON MACHINE): Becky?

Becky, come on, pick up.

Becky, are you there?

Becky, pick up the phone.

OK.

Listen, um, your dad wanted you know he misses you

and he wants you to come home.

And he thinks you guys can work out all your problems

if you'd come back.

OK, well, that's all.

[beep]

[beep]

It's me again.

Your dad also wanted me to tell you that, like, he loves you.

[click]

[beep]

[beep]

OK, and, um, me too.

[click]

[music playing]

No more push-up pops?

Well, have a fudgie bar.

Not the same.

Hey, guess what?

I stayed awake in history class today.

DAN: Attagirl.

Whose turn is it to do the dishes?

Becky's.

Thanks, Darlene.

Hey.

Yo, Jack.

Is it OK if I use the washer?

Sure, go ahead.

This war, this vendetta, this Sicilian thing must end.

All right.

Hey.

Hi, I've just got a couple of loads,

and I'll get out of here.

No rush.

[sigh]

So, you seeing that guy again?

Jonathan?

Yeah, I saw him last night.

Mm.

What'd you wear?

Jeans and my red blouse.

Mm.

We went bowling.

Oh.

That's a good choice.

How are things back here?

Well, she's grounded for two weeks.

We're upped the curfew a half hour.

Allowance stays the same.

What about Mark?

No No, absolutely not.

We would not budge on that.

We forbade her to ever see him again,

so you should wear your blue dress to the wedding.

Mother, are we going to be the last people in the free world

to get a dishwasher?

Jeez!

Oh, and I forgot.

She's calling me Mother.

[music playing]

[phone ringing]

Just let it ring.

JACKIE (ON MACHINE): (SULTRILY) Hi, this is Jackie.

Leave a message.

Bye.

[beep]

ROSEANNE (ON MACHINE): Jackie?

Jackie, pick up.

Jackie?

OK.

Listen, I was just reading in "Cosmo," there

these great new exercises.

It's like you look up at the ceiling and you chew, see.

And you do it for, like, five minutes every day,

and it'll fix up that scary deal you got

going in the back of your neck.

[music playing]

[music playing]

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