Original subtitles

[theme music]

[laughter]

No, I ordered chicken, not salmon.

Who the hell eats salmon at a wedding, anyway?

Well, I'll tell who. Not us, that's who.

Now I got 60 people coming.

Whoa!

65.

My cousin Trudy and her family can come after all.

OK.

So it's chicken for 65 people.

Well, it's no big deal.

You just add another Bucket

Roseanne, thank you for handling

these wedding preparations.

I told you a thousand times, Crystal.

I'm happy to do it.

Where were we?

What is going on?

Grandpa wanted to race us from the car.

Yeah.

He bet us each a buck that he could win.

Well, are we just going to let him lie there?

Oh! Oh my god!

Ed!

Are you OK?

Yeah.

It's nothing a plastic hip won't fix.

Now Ed, you ought to be saving some of that energy

for your honeymoon.

Oh, that's good advice, honey.

Hey, hey, mom.

Check out all the cool stuff that Grandpa got us.

Yeah, look. I got a bracelet.

And look at this.

Yeah, that's a chemistry set.

Every boy should have one.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Ed.

We could just turn on the gas and blow ourselves up.

- It's perfectly harmless. - We'll see.

Lonnie, why don't you show them what I got you?

Oh.

A Walkman.

That's wonderful, honey.

You've been wanting one of those for the longest time.

Yeah.

Now I have one.

I tried to get him one of those little TVs,

but he wouldn't take it.

Yeah, Lonnie.

You got to get into this.

Right.

You've got a guy here trying to buy your affections.

Let him.

Aren't they just the sweetest little things?

Well, now listen.

I admit that I'm kind of a softy when it comes to grandkids.

But Lonnie is going to be my son.

And you've got to be tough with your boys,

ain't that right, Lonnie roo?

So.

You girls Pick up your bridesmaids gowns?

Yeah, we got them yesterday.

You know, we're really honored you asked us.

But we'd understand if you'd rather

honor your adult friends.

Well, don't be silly.

Why would you think such a thing?

Because those gowns are so dorky

they make us want to retch.

They're very nice.

They're just not us.

Yeah.

They're more for people who get an allowance.

Hey Bec, let's go try those on.

Yeah.

Women Huh?

Aye, oh.

Ha, ha.

I bet you got a lot of questions about women.

I guess.

Can we go now, Mom?

Well, now honey, Roseanne and I aren't

down with the seating plan.

Oh, that's fine, Crystal.

I can finish it.

But you don't know half the people.

Well, that will make it go faster.

Please?

Take the boy home, Crissie.

I mean, you can do that stuff later.

Well, if you both think so.

You see there, Lonnie?

I'm in there pitching for you.

Right. Thanks.

Bye.

He'll be all right.

I'll see you both later.

[smooch]

Lonnie's a great kid.

We're going to have a wonderful relationship as soon as we

get over this little hurdle.

What?

The one where he thinks you're the beast from hell?

-

That's the one.

Oh, he'll come around, Ed.

Sure he will.

I mean, he and Crissi been alone for a long time.

And now there's this new guy.

I just gotta try harder.

That's all.

Well, I don't think that's possible.

Want some coffee?

No, thanks.

I got to pick up my tux.

Hey, Danny boy!

Hey.

Don't worry about it Ed.

He's not talking to me either.

Why does he hate me so much?

I wasn't such a bad father.

Put a roof over his head, kept his belly full.

Way full.

Between him and Lonnie, I feel like I've got two boys who

won't give me the time of day.

Well, maybe you'd do better with daughters, Ed.

I got a couple of them I'll let you have for a nice price.

What you asking?

Oh, cool!

I thought I had to pay you.

Where you going?

Your car's out in the front.

Uh, just-- you know, walk around.

It's cold out there.

Even colder in there.

Good morning, star shine.

Don't you think you should like, lighten up, Dan?

You betrayed me, Roseanne.

Now don't you think that's just a tad harsh?

I mean, you know, I'm ordering cocktail weenies for 60.

I'm not turning you over to the Nazis.

You know I'm opposed to this wedding.

Yes, you've made that quite clear.

And you're ordering the food, the flowers, and the band

like what I say means nothing.

And the wedding's going to go, Dan, no matter who plans it.

And Crystal's my best friend.

I'm your husband, Roseanne.

I outrank her.

You're supposed to back me up.

Remember, richer or poorer, in sickness, health, death part?

Well, I never took any vow to back you up

when you're acting stupid.

It's not stupid.

This wedding is a joke, and you know it.

No, I do not know that.

Crystal's happy, and your dad is happy.

And that's what weddings are about.

Fine Have a good time.

You've got to go, Dan.

You're the best man.

Besides, your whole family is going to be there.

Your Aunt Mildred is going to get up and dance with the band.

And Uncle Pete's going to pull a quarter out of his nose

like he always does.

You're not leaving me alone with those people.

Forget it.

You're on your own.

There's going to be cake.

[music playing]

[exclamations]

You slut.

Oh, I could never wear this.

What'll Ed think?

Well, there won't be enough blood left

in his brain to think anything.

He's a pig.

All men are pigs.

Jackie, you're just saying that because you

don't have a date for the wedding tomorrow,

and everyone else does.

What's your point, Crystal?

Simply that you don't have to be so bitter.

I'm not bitter.

Oh, no.

Of course not.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the ladies' room.

Gee, that's like the eighth time, Crystal.

We oughta move the whole shindig in the john.

No, Roseanne.

I am not bitter.

Give it a rest, Jackie.

I'm not.

I am looking forward to spending time with Becky and Darlene

tomorrow.

[doorbell]

Becky and Darlene have dates.

Darlene?

Darlene has a date?

Now I'm bitter.

Annemarie!

Hey!

You made it!

Are you kidding?

You know your parties were legends when we were kids.

Well, I got more boring friends now.

So don't keep your hopes up.

Annemarie!

Hey!

Crystal!

Congratulations!

Oh, thank you!

You know, I'm so glad Roseanne ran into you.

How has it been?

I haven't seen you since high school.

What you been up to?

Well, after graduation, there was this party

at Sarah Foster's house where I met Rusty,

who was to be my first husband, but not

until July of that year.

But by August, the spark had flickered.

Uh huh.

So we split up. And I married Travis.

Oh, and well, that Travis, he was a whole other can of worms.

He was an arc welder.

And when we divorced he actually cut the trailer in half.

But you know, we remain friends.

Do something.

And I never thought love would come--

Oh, I know what let's do!

I know what let's do.

Let's play Who Knows Crystal Best.

Oh.

OK.

I'll say the first question.

OK.

Um-- all right.

What was Crystal's nickname in high school?

Oh, too easy.

Right.

That was it.

That's not true.

I got one.

I know.

I got one.

What was playing on Gilbert Coswell's car radio the night

Crystal did it for the first time?

Jackie!

Jackie!

That was told to you in the strictest of confidence!

Hey!

You got a man in your life, and I don't.

So throw me a bone.

OK.

Any guesses?

You don't mean that Rusty wasn't her first?

[squeals]

Yes, he was!

Yes, he was!

This game isn't fun anymore.

OK. Was it

Stairway to Heaven"?

No.

How about "Crystal Blue Persuasion"?

No, no, no.

How about "My Sweet Lord"?

Well, that wasn't coming from the car radio.

I know what it was!

[shrieks]

Roseanne, don't you dare!

Don't you dare!

[singing] My baby does the hanky panky.

[in unison] My baby does the hanky panky.

My baby does the hanky panky!

OK!

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing my secrets with the whole wide world,

Roseanne and Jackie blabbermouth!

Uh oh.

Well, I'll be back.

We're just killing time till the stripper gets here, right?

Oh, Crystal.

We were just kidding around.

We're sorry.

Yeah, We're sorry.

OK? - OK.

All right.

Now let's go back in there.

Ah, just a moment.

What's the matter, Crystal?

I'm just not in the mood for a party right now.

Something wrong?

I'd rather not say.

Oh, come on, Crysta.

You can trust us.

With the big stuff.

Well, I suppose I have to tell someone.

Roseanne, Jackie, I'm pregnant.

[spitting]

[choking]

Are you sure you're not just late?

No, I don't think so.

I got all the signs.

I been nauseous and been eating like crazy.

And well, my doctor said I'm pregnant.

Well, so are we happy or sad?

Well, happy!

Oh!

I think it's great!

We're happy for you, Crystal!

Geez.

Oh wow.

Does Ed know?

Of course.

Oh, what do you want?

A boy or a girl?

Well, I've always dreamed of having a little girl.

What if it's a boy?

Simple operation.

Oh, Roseanne.

I can't find my bowling ball.

Do you know where it is?

Yes, it's in the bedroom closet where it always is.

Oh Roseanne. I'm so sorry.

You two are hardly talking.

And it's all my fault.

Yeah, that's pretty much the way I see it too.

Well, maybe if I tell him about the baby,

he won't be so upset about the wedding.

I don't think so.

Well, well, maybe it'll help.

Hey, Dan-- - No, I don't think you--

Dan, wait. Listen.

--should do this, Crystal.

Your father and I, we've been--

well, we were going to tell--

She's pregnant.

I told you not to tell him.

[knocking]

Door's open.

Danny Boy.

Come on in.

Just throwing myself a little bachelor party here.

Usually the best man makes the party.

But you know, you do with what you got.

[music on tv]

What are you doing?

What's You look like?

I'm nursing this beer.

And I'm watching a dirty movie through all

those little squiggly lines.

Why don't you just pay the 4 bucks, Dad?

They'll unscramble it for you.

Then they'll know I'm in here watching a dirty movie.

Grab yourself a beer.

You're going to need it.

In about two minutes you're going

to have a hell of a headache.

So.

To what do I owe this great honor?

Dad, I know Crystal's pregnant.

Oh.

[chuckle] She wasn't supposed to tell

anybody till after the wedding.

Is that why you're doing this, because you

think you have to get married?

No.

Oh, that's gross.

Danny, you're right.

I have to get married because Crystal

is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

What about the baby?

He's fine with this.

You're making a mistake, Dad.

What am I supposed to do?

Cancel this wedding?

Let Crystal raise a kid all by herself?

No.

What are you telling me?

Maybe you should wait.

Wait for what?

You've got no business raising a kid.

Why?

You know Damn well why!

I don't want to watch it again, Dad.

You're going to be on the road.

The kid's going to grow up just like I did--

without a father.

And I'm going to see Crystal suffer just Mom did.

OK. I got it.

I got it. I got it.

It's not about Crystal and our baby.

It's about you and me.

How I screwed up your life.

I mean, just look at you. You've got a nice family.

You've got a good marriage.

You own your own business.

I mean, how can you ever forgive me, Dan?

Tell me one damn thing that you ever did for me that

took time instead of money.

So fine!

I am a rotten father!

I am a rotten father!

OK.

Dan, I'm tired of this!

OK.

I made mistakes with you and with your mother.

But I got a second chance now.

I thought that you would want to help.

But you don't.

So Crystal and I will just do it all by ourselves.

And something else!

I'm no going to apologize to you anymore because you're never

going to let me off the hook!

Now if you don't mind, you're bringing my party down.

[music playing]

[organ music]

Can't believe we have to wear this crud.

Jeez, Darlene.

It's only a couple hours.

You'll live through it.

Yeah.

But we can't duck the photographer the whole time.

There's a photographer?

Hold on, DJ.

It's not a race.

Nice tux.

Ready?

Nice tux.

Yeah.

I been getting a lot of compliments on it lately.

[wedding march music]

I feel so bloated.

Who could have foreseen decades ago when a younger Ed

met a 12-year-old Crystal that years later,

they would be standing here ready

to enter into holy matrimony?

You didn't foresee that, right?

Good.

Then let's proceed.

What is marriage?

Fast forward.

Do we have to watch this sappy garbage?

I thought it was a beautiful ceremony.

Well, can we please just get to the good part?

- Oh! - Whoa!

That's no good!

You probably think you're better than me cause you're married.

Well, you're not going to be married--

Go forward!

[interposing voices]

There's far more to life than being married.

Marriage is one more way for men to enslave women.

So get out of the cave, Crystal.

This is the 20th--

what!

Oh, OK.

You gotta throw the bouquet now!

Come on! Wait up!

Wait!

Oh.

Congratulations, Daddy and Mommy.

I hope you two are as happy together as Roseanne and me.

Oh, now say something nice.

OK.

I'm real happy about my little brother.

And he can use any of my old toys except

for my Lincoln Logs and my Jerry Mahoney dummy.

But really-- um--

I'll be there for you, Dad.

I'll always be there for you.

We're cutting the cake!

2, 3.

[in unison] Congratulations, Crystal and Grandpa.

- Grandpa and Crystal. - We love you guys.

Well, first I'd like to say congratulations, you guys.

And Crystal, you're part of our family now.

In fact, you're like my mother-in-law, so--

which is weird, but so, you got to call before you come over

so I can clean up and stuff.

And don't come over that often.

But seriously though.

I'm really happy for you guys.

And I'm happy for you.

Congratulations.

OK, cut.

That's good.

That's good.

I don't have anything else to say.

Cut!

[white noise]

Congratulations.

OK.

I said it.

Anyways.

Uh, congratulations, Crystal and Fred.

What?

No, his name's Fred.

It's Fred.

Are you sure?

Anyways.

Congratulations, Crystal and Ed.

Embarrassed.

Crystal, this is dedicated to you.

Here it comes.

[singing in unison] My baby does the hanky panky.

My baby does the hanky panky.

My baby does the hanky panky.

[gasp]

Are we just going to let her lie there?

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