Original subtitles

[sound effect playing]

[music playing]

[laughing]

[music playing]

Come on, Dad!

I want to go see the movie.

Hold on there, Bobalouis.

I want to check out this her cute waitress.

Excuse me, miss, when you get a minute.

Yeah, you'll be the first to know.

So what about you, DJ?

You got a kiss for your old ma, or would you rather have

a hot poker in the eyeball?

Poker, please.

[smooching]

Yuck!

So what are you boys up to?

Oh, just going upstairs to the cineplex.

You going to go see 101 Dalmatians?

Nah.

He won't go for that unless 95 of them blow up.

Hey, on your way home, don't forget to pick up some mushroom

soup and that macaroni, OK?

Because I'm making your dad's favorite tuna casserole.

Yuck.

I know.

It's god awful, isn't it?

And especially the way I make it.

Oh, Christmas in January, with old Ed Conner.

Same was when I was a kid, man.

Always on the road.

But that's how he kept ahead of all

the other salesmen who stayed at home with their families

for the holidays.

Oh, Dan, if you're just going to sit

here and gripe about your dad, you've got to order something.

Come on, DJ, let's go.

See ya, Crystal.

- Bye, guys. - Bye!

Now, you know what to do.

You go up to the window and ask for two children's' tickets.

I don't understand why Dan didn't

get along with his father.

I've always found Ed to be a wonderful man.

Well, me too.

I get along with him great.

Of course, I'm a people person.

[telephone ringing] There's the phone.

Excuse me.

Hello, Rodbell's Coffee Shop.

Home of the quick serve.

What?

I can't hear you, Darlene.

Tell Becky to stop screaming.

OK.

Now, what did DJ do?

How-- how could he do anything like that?

He's not even home.

All right so-- now, where'd you find it?

All right.

Well, just put it in a bag, and I'll bury it when I get there.

OK.

Bye.

Problem?

Oh.

It's just DJ.

He needs some little friends to play with.

You ought to bring Lonnie around this weekend.

I know he'd love to play with him.

Uh, Lonnie's at his grandma's for the weekend.

Well, then next weekend.

Roseanne, Lonnie is scared of DJ.

Oh.

OK.

Well, at least DJ has a father.

I tell you, I feel real bad about Lonnie

growing up without a father.

Oh, Crystal, don't get upset.

Somewhere out there, there is a guy who is perfect for you.

Excuse me a minute.

Hey, Donald, do you like tuna casserole?

Not very much Roseanne.

Eh, you'll eat it anyway.

[music playing]

So Crystal doesn't even know this dinner's a fix up?

No.

She don't even know she's coming for dinner.

She thinks she's just dropping off the fondue pot.

What's the guy think?

Well, you know, he's a single guy, and we got hot food.

That's all he needs to know.

Hey, put more cheese in there.

The regular cheese or the stinky cheese?

Stinky.

Yuck.

It smells like Dad's feet.

Lunch sure smells good.

Hey Darlene, put another box of macaroni in there.

Well, how much should I put?

The box says serves 10.

Well, there's 8 of us.

So two boxes ought to do it.

Hey, my Dad's coming.

That's six.

Well, I run into Crystal at the mall today.

Seven.

And she seemed kind of lonely--

Eight.

Roseanne, you're not playing matchmaker again, are ya?

Every time you do, it blows up in your face.

What are you talking about?

I fixed up your friend Pete and his wife.

Yeah.

And they're divorced now.

Really?

He would be perfect for Jackie.

[doorbell ringing]

DJ: Grandpa! - Oh.

Cool.

Presents.

You coming?

Plenty of time.

You got to make it tough.

Right, Conner? - No.

I just want to finish this article.

Oh. You're reading Cosmo?

Yeah.

Eeh!

- For Becky. - Thanks a lot, Grandpa.

For Darlene.

Thank you, Grandpa.

For Grandpa.

What'd you bring me?

What'd you bring me?

It's right here.

I got you, uh, a set of books.

I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

It's a death ray.

Great!

What'd you bring me?

What'd you bring me?

Hey, Rosebud!

You look younger and more beautiful every time I see you!

You know, you're a lying sack of skin, Ed, but I love ya.

How are you doing?

I couldn't be better, Rosie.

So where's that, uh, bum you married.

He's out there in the kitchen.

I'm supposed to go to him, right?

Well, I think that's the plan.

OK.

- Dad. - Danny boy!

Come here!

[laughing]

Getcha, getcha, getcha.

- How's business, Dad? - Great!

I'm having the best year of my life.

I picked up one of these lines of fancy coffees,

Dutch mocha, amoretta cream.

Ah, here we go.

Chocolate parfait.

We've got this great advertising campaign.

For the quiet moments of your life.

Well, I haven't had a quiet moment in 17 years.

What else you bring me?

Just so happens, I did bring you a little something.

You didn't have to do that, Dad.

What, Danny?

It's a gift.

I mean, that's what you call it when you give somebody

something you don't have to.

When you have to it's called alimony.

Har, har, har, har, har, har.

Grandpa, you got us video tapes.

Well, you don't like the movies I picked?

Oh no, we love them.

We just don't have a VCR.

Oh.

we do now.

All right, Grandpa!

A VCR, Beck.

The Conner family leaps into the 80s.

Now, listen you two, you take it into the living room.

I'll come in in a second, help you, uh, hook it up.

You know. - Thanks, Grandpa.

Yeah, now we really love you.

[laughing]

Uh, listen, there's um--

there's something I've got to talk to you too about.

Is that what the VCR is for?

To soften us up?

No, the VCR was a second prize in a sales contest.

If I ha won the first prize, I'd be in Hawaii right now.

You wouldn't have to put up with me at all.

- Jeez, Dan. - All right.

All right. Yeah.

What do you want to talk to us about?

[sighing]

Maybe this is not the right moment.

Let's wait till after supper.

Where are you going?

Unload the truck.

Is this how it's going to be the whole time he's visiting?

You acting like a great big baby?

Did you here that crack about alimony?

He never pays my mother a dime in alimony.

It's a joke, Dan.

Johnny Carson does alimony jokes.

And you're laying there, not now Roseanne, Johnny's on a roll.

OK.

It's a joke.

I just see him pulling the same stuff on my kids

as he pulled on me. He's never around.

And then he thinks he can buy them

off with presents, like they think he's Santa Claus.

Well, so they love their grandfather.

And that's great.

They hate everybody else, Dan.

You should give them a break.

I mean, this is the guy that helped you with your homework,

and taught you how to ride a bike,

and took you to the baseball games.

He never did any of that.

Well, so what?

He got us a VCR.

Same thing.

[music playing]

Roseanne, here.

I brought the fondue pot.

I hope I'm not too late.

No, you're right on time.

Give me that.

Hey, I want you to stay for dinner.

Oh no, Roseanne, I couldn't impose.

Oh, no. Nonsense.

Aw, gee. Are you still wearing that?

You look like hell.

God she's smooth.

[beeping]

Oh-- oh-- aw, you got me.

I'm vaporized.

Bebebe.

Oh, hi Chrissie.

Hey Ed, how are you.

DJ, uh, give me just a minute to get my molecules

reorganized, all right?

OK.

I'll go kill Dad.

Looks like we're getting close here, huh?

I'll go wash up.

It's really good to see you again, Crystal.

Rosanne, I was just thinking, maybe Ed would like it to be,

you know, just him and the family.

Oh, nonsense.

Now, quit whining Crystal.

Men hate that.

Go in my bedroom and borrow some earrings

and a scarf, or something.

Becky, go with her.

All right.

You know what the sad part is?

She doesn't suspect a thing.

There's the groom.

[door shutting]

Hey, everybody.

Hey what are you doing here?

I'm hungry.

Well, I didn't invite you for dinner.

When have I ever waited for an invitation?

Get the door, Darlene, and let him in.

Be nice to him.

He's skittish.

Who's skittish.

Oh, just this guy from the mall. Nobody you know.

Nobody you'd like.

How do you know I wouldn't like you.

You know, he ain't your type.

He's shy, and really quiet.

And I mean, the manages this camera shop, you know?

Whose type is he?

He's Crystal's type, so back off.

Oh.

Oh.

You wouldn't want to introduce me

to some great guy with a job.

Crystal looks hot, Mom.

We went with the purple scarf and the silver earrings.

I begged you for those silver earrings.

What is going on?

First you're all on my case about not dating.

And then you go doll Crystal up so she can

snag some great guy with a job.

He's cute!

He's not your type.

What is my type, Roseanne?

Some unemployed rodeo clown?

Oh, oh.

Bachelorette number two.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Hey, Mom!

Go shoot your sister.

OK.

Hey, I promise the next guy is for you, OK?

But this one's for crystal.

Now, if you want to go for dinner, pull up a chair

and set yourself a place, OK?

But hands off the camera guy.

[laughing]

Donald, I don't believe you've met my sister Jackie.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

[laughing]

[music playing]

So you went to Lanford High.

Yes, Donald.

They're the Fighting Tigers, right?

Mm-hmm.

Have they always been the fighting tigers?

I don't know!

Let me go find out.

So Dan, you work in drywall.

That's 12 questions in a row, in case you're counting.

Oh, he's just nervous, you know.

That's how he tries to make conversation.

Get him off my back.

You were begging me to fix you up with him.

That was before I found out he was the question man.

What kind of car do you drive?

Does it get good mileage?

What's your favorite kind of soup?

So did you do it in here?

I didn't design this kitchen, Donald.

Who did?

Some guy named Garvin Eddy.

Jackie, were you a cheerleader?

No, Donald.

Did you try out and not make it, or just not try out?

You know, Crystal was on the pompom squad.

- Really? - Oh, dear.

Do you bring your own pompoms or does

the school give them to you?

They gave them to me.

You know, Jackie was on the field hockey team.

No kidding.

[laughing]

Do you use a ball or a puck?

Hey, you know what's really great after a great big dinner

is a nice drive.

Jackie, why don't you take Donald

on a nice little drive, huh?

- Roseanne. - Oh, I know.

You want to borrow one of my Isidora Duncan type of scarves.

Well, I've got it right here in the bedroom.

Can I buy this at a store, or do I have to order it from you?

Hey, I promised the kids I'd watch one of those movie tapes

with them.

Oh, I'll go with you.

[laughing]

So Donald, you work in a camera shop.

Do you develop your film?

Do you send it to a lab? What kind of a lab?

Is it a big lab?

I want that guy to get out of here.

So tell him to leave.

No, I can't tell him to leave.

You tell me to leave.

Yeah, and take him with you.

Not on your life.

You're not going to believe this.

I come in here, in his bedroom, and what

do you think I see, right here on this spot, right here?

Crystal and Ed (WHISPERED) kissing.

Making out?

Like trying to climb each other.

My god!

See, so I figure I can find out

what's going on if you and the quiz-master

will get the hell out of here.

OK.

Yeah.

But I want to hear about this later.

I'll-- I'll call you, for sure.

What if he hits on me?

Oh, Jackie, he's annoying.

He's not desperate.

[screaming]

[banging]

- What's wrong with DJ? - Oh.

His death ray broke.

How did that happen?

Oh, that's not important.

OK, Donald!

I'm ready. Let's go.

Great. So where do you want to go?

Whose car do you want to take?

I-- is it far?

Oh, you'll find out when you get there.

Listen, Donald, uh, thanks for coming.

Yeah, bye. - OK.

Adult time.

Everybody upstairs. Go on.

Run along. Go on.

Come on.

That's not fair we're watching a videotape.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Boy, there's logic for you.

Can't wait till I have kids.

Just tell them they're right and they'll have

to do every little thing I say.

Funny how Donald and Jackie hit it right off.

I would have said Donald was more, say, Crystal's type,

but what do I know?

Absolutely nothing, my pet.

So, Ed, Crystal, what's new?

Well, Danny, you know, I told you before

and I wanted to tell you something.

Dad, before you say anything, I was way out of line before.

You come over here, your intentions are good,

and I was a complete jerk.

Uh, maybe I should leave you all alone.

This is a family moment.

No, Crystal, stay, please.

I want you to.

Listen, Dan.

Dad this is really tough for me.

Let me get the whole thing out.

Whatever happened between you and Mom,

and between you and me, is history.

Let's start over.

That's great, son.

I can't tell you how long I wanted to hear those words.

I--

and you're right.

You're right.

We've got to start over, because

starting over's good.

I mean, it's just a good, good thing.

Uh, and-- as a matter of fact, in the last year,

I've been sort of starting all over myself, you know, because

Crystal and I have been seeing each other.

What do you mean, seeing?

Well, you know, since last Thanksgiving,

uh, I mean, we just started getting together whenever my--

you know, I had a break in my schedule.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it Roseanne.

But we didn't know how you two would take it.

Well, are you happy?

Yes I am.

Well, then, I'm happy for you.

As to how Dan's going to take it, well, take it, Dan.

You're more than 20 years older than she is.

I've done the math.

You've known her since she was a girl.

She's a woman now.

With a kid.

I met him.

What-- what do you want from me?

I wanted you to know.

I felt like an idiot coming around

here and not stopping by.

I mean, we felt like we were sneaking around.

Well, now we know.

Good.

Dan, I'm going with it Roseanne.

You're not upset?

Well, to be honest with you, I feel a little bad for Donald.

Donald, the question man?

Oh, I'm glad you're good with this, son,

because we're getting married.

That's it.

Where are you going?

Somewhere else.

Dan!

I'm Sorry.

Get inside, Crystal.

I'm not going, Dan.

Crystal, it's freezing out here.

We want your blessing, Dan.

You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

You think you're getting a husband a companion, a father

for Lonnie, forget about it.

He's not going to be there for you.

Dan, I love him.

Why?

He's kind, and he's, uh, generous, and he's funny.

He reminds me a lot of you, Dan.

I got to hand it to you, Crystal.

You figured out the exact wrong thing to say.

Well, it's true, you know?

You just don't give the man any credit.

I've known him all my life, honey.

I know exactly what's going to happen.

A year from now you're going to be lonelier than you've

ever been in your life.

And you're going to be married so you

won't even be able to date the clowns

Roseanne sets you up with.

Well, that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Well, then we got nothing more to say to each other.

Dan, it can't be like this.

Whether you like it or not, your father and I

are getting married.

And, well, I'll kind of be like your mother.

I want your blessing.

I'm sorry, Crystal.

Well then, Dan Conner, you don't get your coat back.

Thanks, Mom.

[music playing]

Got anymore coffee?

Whole pot.

Pour it on me.

Anything you say, dearest.

You know, a lesser man would have come back in for his coat.

I didn't want to see my father.

I got some thinking to do.

We've got to figure out how to deal with this, Roseanne.

Deal with what?

We buy a gift and we show up for the wedding.

I think I'm going to buy her an electric wok.

I know she doesn't have one.

[laughing]

I'm not going to the wedding.

Yes, you are.

You're the best man.

And I'm the matron of honor.

We're going to walk down that aisle together

and it'll be just like old times,

only this time we need a wider aisle.

Oh, yeah?

Who decided all this?

My best friend Crystal asked me to help plan her wedding

and I said yes. - What?

Are you crazy?

This whole thing is a mistake.

No.

I don't know that Dan.

I just see two people who obviously love each other.

And you know, they're just looking for some support

from their family and friends.

You're not doing this Roseanne.

You know, you're really sexy when

you attempt to be assertive.

I'm not kidding.

You're not going.

Neither am I. And that's an end to it.

No it ain't.

[music playing]

Wh-- what do you do?

I'll bet you're good at it though, you know.

You're good at it, right?

I sell cameras right here in the mall.

You ever use a camera?

[thudding]

Boy, that must have hurt.

Do you need an aspirin?

Anybody got an aspirin?

You want a regular or a buffered?

Jackie.

Jackie?

[sound effect playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0