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1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:04,272
[music playing]
2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:07,741
[theme song]
3
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:52,453
[laughing]
4
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:57,425
[music playing]
5
00:00:57,525 --> 00:01:00,027
Well, I have some bad news.
6
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,996
Grandma Harris is not going
to be making her usual holiday
7
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:03,897
visit this year.
8
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:04,798
What a shame!
9
00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,002
You know, we're
going to miss her.
10
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,639
I know, but cheer up,
because she's coming tonight!
11
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:12,540
What?
12
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,941
Couldn't you talk her out of it?
13
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:16,610
Oh, I think it's great.
14
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,380
That's 'cause she loves you.
15
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,781
Well, that's because
I'm nice to her.
16
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,015
Yeah.
17
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,551
You're such a suck up queen.
18
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:25,386
Yeah.
19
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:26,887
So this means we're
going to be stuck
20
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:28,556
here on our Saturday night?
21
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:32,226
Hey, this is my mother you're
talking about, who we all love.
22
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,494
Besides, if you're
not here she's
23
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,095
going to spend the whole
night talking to me,
24
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,231
and nobody wants that.
25
00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:38,332
Yeah, it'll be great.
26
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,468
A couple hours of real
tense conversation,
27
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:44,037
followed by a delightful
dinner from hell.
28
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:44,972
Right.
29
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:46,106
So I want you to
help your brother
30
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:47,408
clean up his room for Grandma.
31
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:50,244
I want it to sparkle.
32
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,581
Well, just pick
up the big chunks.
33
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,649
I'll pick up the big
chunks down here, Mom.
34
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,685
Suck up.
35
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,487
I'm going to be hiding
out in the garage.
36
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,790
Throw a stick at the
window when she's gone,
37
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,057
Chicken.
38
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,760
Well, I hate how this
family acts when she's around.
39
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:07,661
You get crazy.
40
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,463
The kids get weird.
41
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,800
And I become Captain
Son-In-Law, fending
42
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,835
off the deadliest insults
with his invincible
43
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:15,969
phony grin of steel.
44
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,941
I'm going to call Jackie
and tell her Mom's coming.
45
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,611
Yeah, like she's going to rush
right over after the big fight
46
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:24,645
they had last time.
47
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:25,579
She'll want to be here.
48
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:26,814
It's her mother.
49
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:27,781
Yeah, right.
50
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:31,285
No, watch and learn.
51
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:32,553
Hi, it's me.
52
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,088
What are you doing today?
53
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,258
Yeah, well, I was just
going to make some
54
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:40,328
fudge and watch that Kevin
Costner movie, you know,
55
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,429
that's on cable?
56
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:45,032
The one where he's butt
naked half the time?
57
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:48,769
Great, three o'clock
will be swell.
58
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:52,673
She loves her mother.
59
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,576
[music playing]
60
00:02:59,046 --> 00:02:59,947
Isn't the desert beautiful?
61
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,749
We were there for three days.
62
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,051
Here's a picture of
your dad with a cactus.
63
00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:07,187
Look how it seems like
it's raising its arms.
64
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:10,591
Here's your dad playing
stick-'em-up with the cactus.
65
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,394
And here he is doing
the same thing.
66
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,996
And here again.
67
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,331
He really thought
this was funny.
68
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,535
How about some
more coffee, Grandma?
69
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,870
Thank you sweetheart.
70
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:26,707
Darlene!
71
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,179
So, when's Jackie coming?
72
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,981
Don't tell me she's still mad.
73
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:35,249
Oh, no.
74
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,850
She'll be coming over, but
you better be nice to her
75
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:37,751
this time.
76
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:38,786
I'm always nice to her!
77
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,887
Oh, right.
78
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,722
That's why you spent
like an hour telling her
79
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:45,125
how dumping Gary was the very
worst mistake of her life,
80
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,427
and how she's probably
going to end up
81
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,161
a lonely and bitter old maid.
82
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:51,064
Oh, that's just
the way we talk.
83
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:54,435
Don't worry, I'll be good.
84
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:55,603
Hi, Grandma.
85
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:56,970
There you are!
86
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,707
Now, why didn't you come down
and say hi when I got here?
87
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:00,674
I don't know.
88
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,477
Why didn't you
come up and say hi?
89
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,213
Look who forgot to give
Grandma a great big kiss!
90
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,721
Here you go Grandma.
91
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:17,358
I put in skim milk and brown
sugar just the way you like it.
92
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,727
[kissing noises]
93
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:24,498
Becky is certainly blossoming
into a beautiful young woman.
94
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,701
Well, feel free to speak
directly to her, Mom.
95
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:32,340
She's that blonde sitting next
to you on the couch there.
96
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,709
Anyone special these
days I should know about?
97
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:39,012
Mm, well, there's this guy who
just moved here from Evanston,
98
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,014
and he sort of asked
me out tonight.
99
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,083
And what did you tell him?
100
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,418
Well, nothing yet, but--
101
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,819
But she knows
that you only come
102
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:48,322
to visit once or twice a
year, and so she would rather
103
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:49,723
spend that time with you.
104
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,291
Oh, that's just silly.
105
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,727
You can't waste an evening
stuck here with me when
106
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,829
you could be out having fun?
107
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,198
Why the hell not?
108
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,567
Thanks, Grandma!
109
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,835
Hey, I can wear that silk blouse
you got me for my birthday.
110
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,671
I better go make a call!
111
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,138
Well, I guess I'll go out too.
112
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:06,507
If it rains I'll
wear those galoshes
113
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:07,775
you got me for my birthday.
114
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:08,676
Oh, no.
115
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:11,579
You stay here with us.
116
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,681
I don't want to stay here.
117
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:14,682
I want to go out.
118
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:17,585
Oh, now where
would you be going?
119
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,453
Well, what's that
supposed to mean?
120
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:21,288
Oh, come on, Darlene.
121
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,956
When you're a big
girl like Becky,
122
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,192
you'll get to go on dates too.
123
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,627
Now, wait just a damn minute!
124
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,295
OK, Darlene, get
out in the kitchen.
125
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,296
Come on.
- She can't just--
126
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:30,230
Keep moving!
127
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,231
--come here and
decide who's old--
128
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,533
- Keep--
- --enough to go out and isn't!
129
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:33,434
Keep going.
130
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,840
Don't use that kind of
language with your grandma.
131
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,475
Well, how come Becky
can go out and I can't?
132
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:42,376
Well, Becky had a date.
133
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,444
Well, so could I!
134
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,112
I mean, Grandma acts
like there's no way,
135
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,480
like I'm three years old!
136
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,116
Well, you are acting like
you missed your little nap.
137
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,518
I bet Becky doesn't
even have a date.
138
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,319
She probably just sucked
her way right out the door.
139
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,587
OK.
140
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,788
I've got enough going on
between my mother and my sister.
141
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:58,158
I don't need any more
trouble from you.
142
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,428
I hate her.
143
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:01,328
How's it going, honey?
144
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,901
Run away, run away.
145
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,337
[music playing]
146
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:14,675
Bring on the fudge and
Kevin Costner's butt.
147
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:17,244
I'm ready to sink my
teeth into both of 'em.
148
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,950
How you doing, Sis?
149
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:27,287
BEVERLY: Roseanne, are
these towels clean?
150
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,989
You are just evil.
151
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,462
BEVERLY: Is that Jackie?
152
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:37,465
[screaming]
153
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,870
Don't make me
hurt you, Roseanne!
154
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,138
OK, when I let go,
you're going to get up
155
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,707
and you're going stay here.
156
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:47,608
Grow up!
157
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,711
[struggling]
158
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:53,213
Come on, now.
159
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,616
[screaming]
160
00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:58,018
Mom!
161
00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:58,919
Hi.
162
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:06,259
Oh, tell me, Roseanne, how
many women can look that good
163
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,961
without a drop of makeup?
164
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:11,064
And your hair's adorable!
165
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,232
Thanks, Mom.
166
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,501
Thanks.
167
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:16,269
You know, I'm almost glad
your dad couldn't make it.
168
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,840
This gives us girls a
chance to have some fun.
169
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,409
This is Mom, isn't it?
170
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,477
I don't know.
171
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:27,280
I better check that
birthmark she's got.
172
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:31,519
No, 665.
173
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,386
Close enough.
174
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,790
[music playing]
175
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:43,030
Did I mention I just got
a card from Mrs. Quigley?
176
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,164
Our old neighbor?
177
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,332
Mm-hmm.
178
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,901
She said everybody's fine
and her little Jeffrey
179
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:51,071
should be out of prison
for the holidays.
180
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:54,842
Boy, those eight years
just flew by, didn't they?
181
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,544
Remember when
Jeffrey talked you
182
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:57,978
into playing spin the bottle?
183
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:03,283
Yeah, and kissed me and his
retainer fell off in my mouth.
184
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:07,621
My little angel was
playing spin the bottle?
185
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:08,522
Oh, sure, Jackie.
186
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,423
Now you got me in trouble.
187
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,324
Ground her, Mom!
188
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:12,225
Ground her!
189
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,527
Ground her!
190
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,629
Anything else you want
to tell me while I'm knee
191
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:19,399
deep in this cheap Chardonnay?
192
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,569
OK.
193
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,370
Remember this one
weekend when you
194
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,574
and dad went off to one of his
patio furniture conventions?
195
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:27,474
Oh.
196
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:28,642
Oh, what?
197
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,679
You two have some
kind of wild party?
198
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:32,913
Yeah.
199
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:35,949
In Chicago.
200
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:38,151
Oh, now she's thinking now.
201
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,386
Oh, right.
Now let's see.
202
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,721
Is she going to yell
at us for something
203
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:43,256
we did over 22 years ago, or--
204
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,157
JACKIE: Oh.
205
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,058
[laughing]
206
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:45,993
JACKIE: There you go!
207
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,961
OK, Mom!
208
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,430
You two are terrible.
209
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,865
Hey.
210
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,167
I have one that's even better.
211
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,535
OK.
212
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,671
OK.
213
00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,239
Remember my friend Janine?
214
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:00,440
Oh, yes.
215
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,911
You used to stay at her
house till all hours.
216
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:04,812
OK.
217
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,747
Well, there was no Janine.
218
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:13,787
Janine was Dan!
219
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,659
Roseanne!
220
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,328
I thought you were studying.
221
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:23,496
Well, I always got good marks.
222
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,667
Yeah, mostly on your neck.
223
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,068
All right, it's my turn now.
224
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,738
Remember the design
school I applied
225
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,673
to that never answered back?
226
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,241
I actually got in!
227
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:41,448
You were accepted?
228
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:42,449
Yeah!
229
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,084
Only I threw the
letter away before you
230
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,854
guys had a chance to see it.
231
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,022
You knew how much
your father and I wanted
232
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,224
you to go to that school.
233
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,061
Well, I didn't.
234
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,729
Hey!
235
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:58,799
Remember that time when I told
you guys that Ringo actually
236
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,068
called me up on the phone?
237
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,903
I guess now we see
what happens when
238
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,338
we squander our opportunities.
239
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,340
Don't start, Mom.
240
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,309
Well, maybe if
you'd gone to design
241
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,578
school you'd have a career
now, instead of just wasting--
242
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,381
Instead of just wasting my
life bouncing around from one
243
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,348
meaningless job to the next.
244
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,483
Hey!
245
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,086
Hey, you guys, come on,
let's grab a vegetable
246
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,054
and start chopping!
247
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,923
Oh, she's going to
tell me now everything
248
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,625
I've ever done wrong in my life.
249
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,060
Come on.
250
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,162
I know you're dying to.
251
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,132
I just wish for
once I didn't have to.
252
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,867
I'll make it easy for you, OK?
253
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,836
I'm a screw up.
254
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,738
Jackie, you are
not a screw up.
255
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,907
Mom, you tell her
she's not a screw up.
256
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,212
I'm out of here.
257
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,413
Jackie!
258
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,781
What is it with you?
259
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,082
What do you have to
do that to her for?
260
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,718
Why can't you just
let her live her life?
261
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,720
Because she had potential!
262
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,487
She had a spark!
263
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:57,190
We just didn't want
to see it go to waste.
264
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,226
Your father and I used
to say to each other,
265
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,429
there's no limit to
what Jackie can do.
266
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,330
You guys said that?
267
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,665
You said I had a spark?
268
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:06,800
Oh, yes.
269
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,836
Your father was convinced
you'd be a lawyer
270
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:11,739
because you love to argue.
271
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,206
Really?
272
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,542
Well, why do you think we
worried about you so much?
273
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:17,644
I mean, we were never that
worried about Roseanne.
274
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,179
We knew what she
was going to be.
275
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:26,453
Oh?
276
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,520
What?
277
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:30,690
Safe and comfortable
and a good mommy,
278
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,927
just like you are now.
279
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,996
So, uh, what are
you saying, Mother?
280
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,965
You're saying that
all I can ever be
281
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,967
is some ordinary housewife?
282
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,002
Oh, Roseanne.
283
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:47,174
You have a nice house,
beautiful children.
284
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,075
A husband.
285
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:54,782
There is nothing wrong at
all with being ordinary.
286
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,318
DAN: Hey, how's it going?
287
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,924
Run away, run away!
288
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,325
[music playing]
289
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,798
So my mother is in there
like doing these back flips
290
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,399
over Jackie, you know?
291
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,067
I'm the one that turned out OK!
292
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,137
Jackie's a screw up!
293
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,539
Roll with it, honey.
294
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,408
Roll with it?
295
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,610
What the hell is that
supposed to mean.
296
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:26,613
I don't know, I just figured
it was my turn to speak.
297
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,849
ROSEANNE: [sighs]
298
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,051
That's OK, because I finished
watching the whole game.
299
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:35,322
This was just the overtime.
300
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,357
I mean, I'm really
hurt here, you know.
301
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,659
I just can't believe it,
that it was always like,
302
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,663
Jackie could be this great
astronaut or the president,
303
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:49,536
and Roseanne could be
some great organ donor.
304
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,371
Dad?
305
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,040
Oh, sorry.
306
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,607
What is it, Darlene.
307
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,210
Well, actually, it was Dad
that I wanted to talk to, Mom.
308
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,880
Well, there he is.
309
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,114
All right.
310
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,582
Margie just called and
invited me over for dinner.
311
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:03,483
No!
312
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,085
You are here tonight!
313
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:07,287
And I don't appreciate
your going over my head
314
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,421
to your father.
315
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,790
If I say no, he's going
to say no to, right Dan?
316
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:11,691
Yes.
317
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,593
No.
318
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,762
It's one night, Darlene.
319
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:16,696
OK?
320
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,631
One night out of
your entire life,
321
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:24,504
and I think that you
can just roll with it.
322
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:25,805
That's sound advice, Darlene.
323
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:29,910
Now go on and get in there.
324
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:30,810
Go on.
325
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,412
You, you come too, Dan.
326
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:33,746
Come on.
327
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,448
We're going to have
a nice family dinner.
328
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,197
This is a really
good roast, Mom.
329
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,664
Oh, I don't know.
330
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:54,767
Seems a little ordinary to me.
331
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,436
I never did learn how to cook.
332
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,171
Well, you had
other talents, dear.
333
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,072
Really?
334
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,140
Like what?
335
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,774
Would you like some salt?
336
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,611
Roseanne, you know I'm
not allowed salt in my diet.
337
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,746
DJ: Can I have
some more potatoes?
338
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,348
Here you are, dear.
339
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,422
You know, Jackie, not only
is Roseanne a good cook,
340
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,958
but she keeps this house going
like a well-oiled machine.
341
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,027
I don't know how she manages,
what with her job and all
342
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,361
the other stuff she does.
343
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:24,197
Like what stuff?
344
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:31,438
Like-- like the,
um, PTA committee.
345
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,341
I don't know how they
manage without her.
346
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:37,945
I quit that over
two years ago, Jackie.
347
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:41,014
Well, obviously your work
there was finished, honey.
348
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:45,618
And she sold over 50 tickets
to the Elks glaucoma dance.
349
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:49,722
Which means I must know
how to dial a phone, huh?
350
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,959
You know, and DJ has
scouts every Saturday,
351
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:56,729
which also means I had to
master the fine art of driving.
352
00:14:56,829 --> 00:15:01,301
Boy, I'm just a regular
Renaissance woman, aren't I?
353
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,302
So, Becky, honey.
354
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,870
Tell me about the
boy you're dating.
355
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:04,771
I don't know.
356
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,274
All my friends he's really cute.
357
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:08,775
You know, Darlene,
you're lucky to have
358
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,243
such a popular sister.
359
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,680
When you start dating she
can give you some pointers.
360
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,015
Yeah, well if
she's so popular,
361
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,984
just ask us which one
of us got felt up?
362
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,325
Darlene, leave the table.
363
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,459
Yeah, I knew that'd do it.
364
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:31,498
I have an idea.
365
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,399
Let's skip dessert.
366
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,300
Yeah, I'm full.
367
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,501
Let's hit the sack.
368
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,402
No, no.
369
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:36,736
Sit down!
370
00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:41,008
Roseane, how about some of
your fabulous Dutch apple pie?
371
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,875
You make that with
cinnamon, right?
372
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,177
Nutmeg, Mom.
373
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,580
One and a quarter
teaspoons of nutmeg.
374
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:52,119
You know, speaking of pies,
one day when these two were
375
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,887
just knee high to a
grasshopper, I went out
376
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,224
back to call them for supper.
377
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,592
Well, Jackie was
over by the fence
378
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,995
building a village
out of those LEGOs.
379
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,796
Oh.
380
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,534
Oh, it was quite a
project, believe me.
381
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:13,673
She had traffic lights and
skyscrapers and hospitals--
382
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,709
We get the picture, Mom.
383
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:20,880
Anyway, Roseanne was
nowhere to be seen.
384
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,816
Well, I looked and looked.
385
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,853
And finally found her
behind that big maple
386
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:28,421
tree near the ditch.
387
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:31,458
There she sat in her
white ruffled dress,
388
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:35,628
completely covered with
dirt and making mud pies.
389
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:40,300
[laughing] So you see,
Roseanne making pies
390
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,834
must be in your blood.
391
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:46,073
[laughing]
392
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,408
[laughing] Speaking of blood--
393
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,944
DAN: What time are you
shoving off tomorrow, Bev?
394
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,446
Look, Grandma, I
really got to go.
395
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:56,816
But we haven't had
a chance to talk!
396
00:16:56,916 --> 00:17:00,453
OK, uh, what do you
want to talk about?
397
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:03,723
Well, maybe she wants to
talk about my mashed potatoes.
398
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:07,194
How creamy smooth
they are, maybe, huh?
399
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:10,097
Or maybe my biscuits, how
light and airy, the way
400
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:13,933
they just fly across the room!
401
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,636
Or maybe she wants to talk
about the other 10 million
402
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:20,373
ordinary things I do
in my ordinary life.
403
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,176
Excuse me.
404
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,078
Is she getting enough iron?
405
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:31,584
Hey, hey.
406
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,353
What is your problem?
407
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,089
My problem is
I've got no spark.
408
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,890
Oh, Roseanne.
409
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,426
I didn't have to
end up ordinary.
410
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,094
I maybe could have been
something different if she
411
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,996
would have expected anything out
of me like she did out of you.
412
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,798
Oh, you mean you
missed out on the chance
413
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,500
to be a neurotic mess.
414
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,102
Poor baby.
415
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:50,403
But it ain't right, Jackie.
416
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,371
She shouldn't have done that.
417
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,206
She should treated us the same?
418
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,007
You always treat Becky
and Darlene the same?
419
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:56,209
Yeah, I do.
420
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,145
What, you don't--
you don't think I do?
421
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,947
No, all I'm saying is that
it's no big deal if she thought
422
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,815
that I had potential,
because she's always going
423
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,584
to think I messed up my life.
424
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,019
She's always going to think
that you're the best doggone mud
425
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,988
pie maker in the whole world.
426
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,757
She decided that
a long time ago.
427
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,425
It's not going to
change, and that's
428
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,328
just the way mothers are.
429
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,264
Not this one.
430
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:18,931
JACKIE: [sigh]
431
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,834
[music playing]
432
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,176
I'm not going back down
there, so you can forget it.
433
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,109
I made it through dinner.
434
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,444
That was the deal,
and I don't have
435
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,347
to take any more Becky beautiful
garbage from your mother.
436
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,617
Hey, you have a little
bit more respect for your--
437
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:38,651
forget it, you're right.
438
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,590
You mean you're not
mad because of what I
439
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:44,524
did at dinner?
440
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,125
Well, I was at
first, you know.
441
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,927
I thought you were
really out of line 'til
442
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:50,029
I started throwing biscuits.
443
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,599
You threw biscuits at Grandma?
444
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,601
No, I didn't want to hit DJ.
445
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,336
You know how soft his skull is.
446
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:02,409
Oh, I miss all the good stuff.
447
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,110
Hey, Darlene.
448
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:09,182
Do you think that I encourage
you, you know, to do stuff.
449
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,218
Well, I don't know.
450
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,052
What are you talking about?
451
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:19,259
Well, do you think that
I, uh, expect more out
452
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,894
of Becky than I do out of you?
453
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,196
I don't know.
454
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,632
I mean, it's like you expect
Becky things out of Becky,
455
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,400
like good grades.
456
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,969
Well, you know, I expect
good grades out of you, too.
457
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:30,903
I just never get them.
458
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,276
Well, I think we both
know that I'm smarter,
459
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:37,477
just in a different way.
460
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:39,045
It's like if you dropped
me and Becky in the middle
461
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:43,483
of the woods, I'd make it home
and poor little Becky'd crawl
462
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:44,917
into a hollow log and die.
463
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,791
Well, that's why
I had two daughters.
464
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:52,959
I always carry a spare.
465
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,232
You know, I'm sorry
I said I hated Grandma.
466
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,268
I guess I love her, it's
just that sometimes I
467
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,335
don't like her.
468
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:03,636
Yeah, I know.
469
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,638
Well, sometimes she makes
it kind of tough, you know.
470
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:09,442
But then, then there's these
other times where you just want
471
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,144
to take her face in
your hands and twist
472
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:15,348
it 'til her head pops off.
473
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:18,285
Well, it's a good thing I
never feel that way about you.
474
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:22,054
Yeah, it's a real good thing.
475
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:24,824
You know, I got this theory.
476
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:28,661
It's like, Grandma was probably
a better mom than her mom,
477
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,898
and you're definitely a
better mom than grandma was.
478
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,600
That's a good theory.
479
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,803
So, by the time I'm a mom
I'll be like this awesome mom
480
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,238
because I'll have learned from
all the mistakes you guys made.
481
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:40,307
Whoa.
482
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:41,207
Heavy.
483
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,246
Why do you want to bet that
Grandma's downstairs making
484
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:50,216
Becky look at her 400
pictures she took on her trip
485
00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,984
to Arizona?
486
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,654
Yeah, Becky'll probably
never get out of here.
487
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,324
Good!
488
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,492
Well, I ought to head
back to the snake pit.
489
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,227
You want to come with me?
490
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:03,129
You going to be throwing
any more biscuits?
491
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:06,232
Yeah, if I can
get a clear shot.
492
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:09,669
[music playing]
493
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,974
Here we are the
world's largest
494
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,977
reptile museum, Lizard Land.
495
00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:20,513
That's a lizard.
496
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,449
Here's a bigger lizard.
497
00:21:22,549 --> 00:21:23,983
Oh, and that's the
owner of the museum!
498
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:27,186
Very nice young man.
499
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:30,690
We told him all
about you, Jackie.
500
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:33,393
He might be calling you.
501
00:21:33,493 --> 00:21:34,327
His name is Fess.
502
00:21:38,097 --> 00:21:41,167
Here's your dad playing
stick-'em-up with a lizard.
503
00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:45,438
It's not as funny as the cactus,
but you know your father.
504
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:48,775
I think that's where you get
you sense of humor, Roseanne.
505
00:21:48,825 --> 00:21:53,375
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