Original subtitles

[music playing]

[theme song]

[laughing]

[music playing]

Well, I have some bad news.

Grandma Harris is not going to be making her usual holiday

visit this year.

What a shame!

You know, we're going to miss her.

I know, but cheer up, because she's coming tonight!

What?

Couldn't you talk her out of it?

Oh, I think it's great.

That's 'cause she loves you.

Well, that's because I'm nice to her.

Yeah.

You're such a suck up queen.

Yeah.

So this means we're going to be stuck

here on our Saturday night?

Hey, this is my mother you're talking about, who we all love.

Besides, if you're not here she's

going to spend the whole night talking to me,

and nobody wants that.

Yeah, it'll be great.

A couple hours of real tense conversation,

followed by a delightful dinner from hell.

Right.

So I want you to help your brother

clean up his room for Grandma.

I want it to sparkle.

Well, just pick up the big chunks.

I'll pick up the big chunks down here, Mom.

Suck up.

I'm going to be hiding out in the garage.

Throw a stick at the window when she's gone,

Chicken.

Well, I hate how this family acts when she's around.

You get crazy.

The kids get weird.

And I become Captain Son-In-Law, fending

off the deadliest insults with his invincible

phony grin of steel.

I'm going to call Jackie and tell her Mom's coming.

Yeah, like she's going to rush right over after the big fight

they had last time.

She'll want to be here.

It's her mother.

Yeah, right.

No, watch and learn.

Hi, it's me.

What are you doing today?

Yeah, well, I was just going to make some

fudge and watch that Kevin Costner movie, you know,

that's on cable?

The one where he's butt naked half the time?

Great, three o'clock will be swell.

She loves her mother.

[music playing]

Isn't the desert beautiful?

We were there for three days.

Here's a picture of your dad with a cactus.

Look how it seems like it's raising its arms.

Here's your dad playing stick-'em-up with the cactus.

And here he is doing the same thing.

And here again.

He really thought this was funny.

How about some more coffee, Grandma?

Thank you sweetheart.

Darlene!

So, when's Jackie coming?

Don't tell me she's still mad.

Oh, no.

She'll be coming over, but you better be nice to her

this time.

I'm always nice to her!

Oh, right.

That's why you spent like an hour telling her

how dumping Gary was the very worst mistake of her life,

and how she's probably going to end up

a lonely and bitter old maid.

Oh, that's just the way we talk.

Don't worry, I'll be good.

Hi, Grandma.

There you are!

Now, why didn't you come down and say hi when I got here?

I don't know.

Why didn't you come up and say hi?

Look who forgot to give Grandma a great big kiss!

Here you go Grandma.

I put in skim milk and brown sugar just the way you like it.

[kissing noises]

Becky is certainly blossoming into a beautiful young woman.

Well, feel free to speak directly to her, Mom.

She's that blonde sitting next to you on the couch there.

Anyone special these days I should know about?

Mm, well, there's this guy who just moved here from Evanston,

and he sort of asked me out tonight.

And what did you tell him?

Well, nothing yet, but--

But she knows that you only come

to visit once or twice a year, and so she would rather

spend that time with you.

Oh, that's just silly.

You can't waste an evening stuck here with me when

you could be out having fun?

Why the hell not?

Thanks, Grandma!

Hey, I can wear that silk blouse you got me for my birthday.

I better go make a call!

Well, I guess I'll go out too.

If it rains I'll wear those galoshes

you got me for my birthday.

Oh, no.

You stay here with us.

I don't want to stay here.

I want to go out.

Oh, now where would you be going?

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Darlene.

When you're a big girl like Becky,

you'll get to go on dates too.

Now, wait just a damn minute!

OK, Darlene, get out in the kitchen.

Come on. - She can't just--

Keep moving!

--come here and decide who's old--

- Keep-- - --enough to go out and isn't!

Keep going.

Don't use that kind of language with your grandma.

Well, how come Becky can go out and I can't?

Well, Becky had a date.

Well, so could I!

I mean, Grandma acts like there's no way,

like I'm three years old!

Well, you are acting like you missed your little nap.

I bet Becky doesn't even have a date.

She probably just sucked her way right out the door.

OK.

I've got enough going on between my mother and my sister.

I don't need any more trouble from you.

I hate her.

How's it going, honey?

Run away, run away.

[music playing]

Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt.

I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of 'em.

How you doing, Sis?

BEVERLY: Roseanne, are these towels clean?

You are just evil.

BEVERLY: Is that Jackie?

[screaming]

Don't make me hurt you, Roseanne!

OK, when I let go, you're going to get up

and you're going stay here.

Grow up!

[struggling]

Come on, now.

[screaming]

Mom!

Hi.

Oh, tell me, Roseanne, how many women can look that good

without a drop of makeup?

And your hair's adorable!

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks.

You know, I'm almost glad your dad couldn't make it.

This gives us girls a chance to have some fun.

This is Mom, isn't it?

I don't know.

I better check that birthmark she's got.

No, 665.

Close enough.

[music playing]

Did I mention I just got a card from Mrs. Quigley?

Our old neighbor?

Mm-hmm.

She said everybody's fine and her little Jeffrey

should be out of prison for the holidays.

Boy, those eight years just flew by, didn't they?

Remember when Jeffrey talked you

into playing spin the bottle?

Yeah, and kissed me and his retainer fell off in my mouth.

My little angel was playing spin the bottle?

Oh, sure, Jackie.

Now you got me in trouble.

Ground her, Mom!

Ground her!

Ground her!

Anything else you want to tell me while I'm knee

deep in this cheap Chardonnay?

OK.

Remember this one weekend when you

and dad went off to one of his patio furniture conventions?

Oh.

Oh, what?

You two have some kind of wild party?

Yeah.

In Chicago.

Oh, now she's thinking now.

Oh, right. Now let's see.

Is she going to yell at us for something

we did over 22 years ago, or--

JACKIE: Oh.

[laughing]

JACKIE: There you go!

OK, Mom!

You two are terrible.

Hey.

I have one that's even better.

OK.

OK.

Remember my friend Janine?

Oh, yes.

You used to stay at her house till all hours.

OK.

Well, there was no Janine.

Janine was Dan!

Roseanne!

I thought you were studying.

Well, I always got good marks.

Yeah, mostly on your neck.

All right, it's my turn now.

Remember the design school I applied

to that never answered back?

I actually got in!

You were accepted?

Yeah!

Only I threw the letter away before you

guys had a chance to see it.

You knew how much your father and I wanted

you to go to that school.

Well, I didn't.

Hey!

Remember that time when I told you guys that Ringo actually

called me up on the phone?

I guess now we see what happens when

we squander our opportunities.

Don't start, Mom.

Well, maybe if you'd gone to design

school you'd have a career now, instead of just wasting--

Instead of just wasting my life bouncing around from one

meaningless job to the next.

Hey!

Hey, you guys, come on, let's grab a vegetable

and start chopping!

Oh, she's going to tell me now everything

I've ever done wrong in my life.

Come on.

I know you're dying to.

I just wish for once I didn't have to.

I'll make it easy for you, OK?

I'm a screw up.

Jackie, you are not a screw up.

Mom, you tell her she's not a screw up.

I'm out of here.

Jackie!

What is it with you?

What do you have to do that to her for?

Why can't you just let her live her life?

Because she had potential!

She had a spark!

We just didn't want to see it go to waste.

Your father and I used to say to each other,

there's no limit to what Jackie can do.

You guys said that?

You said I had a spark?

Oh, yes.

Your father was convinced you'd be a lawyer

because you love to argue.

Really?

Well, why do you think we worried about you so much?

I mean, we were never that worried about Roseanne.

We knew what she was going to be.

Oh?

What?

Safe and comfortable and a good mommy,

just like you are now.

So, uh, what are you saying, Mother?

You're saying that all I can ever be

is some ordinary housewife?

Oh, Roseanne.

You have a nice house, beautiful children.

A husband.

There is nothing wrong at all with being ordinary.

DAN: Hey, how's it going?

Run away, run away!

[music playing]

So my mother is in there like doing these back flips

over Jackie, you know?

I'm the one that turned out OK!

Jackie's a screw up!

Roll with it, honey.

Roll with it?

What the hell is that supposed to mean.

I don't know, I just figured it was my turn to speak.

ROSEANNE: [sighs]

That's OK, because I finished watching the whole game.

This was just the overtime.

I mean, I'm really hurt here, you know.

I just can't believe it, that it was always like,

Jackie could be this great astronaut or the president,

and Roseanne could be some great organ donor.

Dad?

Oh, sorry.

What is it, Darlene.

Well, actually, it was Dad that I wanted to talk to, Mom.

Well, there he is.

All right.

Margie just called and invited me over for dinner.

No!

You are here tonight!

And I don't appreciate your going over my head

to your father.

If I say no, he's going to say no to, right Dan?

Yes.

No.

It's one night, Darlene.

OK?

One night out of your entire life,

and I think that you can just roll with it.

That's sound advice, Darlene.

Now go on and get in there.

Go on.

You, you come too, Dan.

Come on.

We're going to have a nice family dinner.

This is a really good roast, Mom.

Oh, I don't know.

Seems a little ordinary to me.

I never did learn how to cook.

Well, you had other talents, dear.

Really?

Like what?

Would you like some salt?

Roseanne, you know I'm not allowed salt in my diet.

DJ: Can I have some more potatoes?

Here you are, dear.

You know, Jackie, not only is Roseanne a good cook,

but she keeps this house going like a well-oiled machine.

I don't know how she manages, what with her job and all

the other stuff she does.

Like what stuff?

Like-- like the, um, PTA committee.

I don't know how they manage without her.

I quit that over two years ago, Jackie.

Well, obviously your work there was finished, honey.

And she sold over 50 tickets to the Elks glaucoma dance.

Which means I must know how to dial a phone, huh?

You know, and DJ has scouts every Saturday,

which also means I had to master the fine art of driving.

Boy, I'm just a regular Renaissance woman, aren't I?

So, Becky, honey.

Tell me about the boy you're dating.

I don't know.

All my friends he's really cute.

You know, Darlene, you're lucky to have

such a popular sister.

When you start dating she can give you some pointers.

Yeah, well if she's so popular,

just ask us which one of us got felt up?

Darlene, leave the table.

Yeah, I knew that'd do it.

I have an idea.

Let's skip dessert.

Yeah, I'm full.

Let's hit the sack.

No, no.

Sit down!

Roseane, how about some of your fabulous Dutch apple pie?

You make that with cinnamon, right?

Nutmeg, Mom.

One and a quarter teaspoons of nutmeg.

You know, speaking of pies, one day when these two were

just knee high to a grasshopper, I went out

back to call them for supper.

Well, Jackie was over by the fence

building a village out of those LEGOs.

Oh.

Oh, it was quite a project, believe me.

She had traffic lights and skyscrapers and hospitals--

We get the picture, Mom.

Anyway, Roseanne was nowhere to be seen.

Well, I looked and looked.

And finally found her behind that big maple

tree near the ditch.

There she sat in her white ruffled dress,

completely covered with dirt and making mud pies.

[laughing] So you see, Roseanne making pies

must be in your blood.

[laughing]

[laughing] Speaking of blood--

DAN: What time are you shoving off tomorrow, Bev?

Look, Grandma, I really got to go.

But we haven't had a chance to talk!

OK, uh, what do you want to talk about?

Well, maybe she wants to talk about my mashed potatoes.

How creamy smooth they are, maybe, huh?

Or maybe my biscuits, how light and airy, the way

they just fly across the room!

Or maybe she wants to talk about the other 10 million

ordinary things I do in my ordinary life.

Excuse me.

Is she getting enough iron?

Hey, hey.

What is your problem?

My problem is I've got no spark.

Oh, Roseanne.

I didn't have to end up ordinary.

I maybe could have been something different if she

would have expected anything out of me like she did out of you.

Oh, you mean you missed out on the chance

to be a neurotic mess.

Poor baby.

But it ain't right, Jackie.

She shouldn't have done that.

She should treated us the same?

You always treat Becky and Darlene the same?

Yeah, I do.

What, you don't-- you don't think I do?

No, all I'm saying is that it's no big deal if she thought

that I had potential, because she's always going

to think I messed up my life.

She's always going to think that you're the best doggone mud

pie maker in the whole world.

She decided that a long time ago.

It's not going to change, and that's

just the way mothers are.

Not this one.

JACKIE: [sigh]

[music playing]

I'm not going back down there, so you can forget it.

I made it through dinner.

That was the deal, and I don't have

to take any more Becky beautiful garbage from your mother.

Hey, you have a little bit more respect for your--

forget it, you're right.

You mean you're not mad because of what I

did at dinner?

Well, I was at first, you know.

I thought you were really out of line 'til

I started throwing biscuits.

You threw biscuits at Grandma?

No, I didn't want to hit DJ.

You know how soft his skull is.

Oh, I miss all the good stuff.

Hey, Darlene.

Do you think that I encourage you, you know, to do stuff.

Well, I don't know.

What are you talking about?

Well, do you think that I, uh, expect more out

of Becky than I do out of you?

I don't know.

I mean, it's like you expect Becky things out of Becky,

like good grades.

Well, you know, I expect good grades out of you, too.

I just never get them.

Well, I think we both know that I'm smarter,

just in a different way.

It's like if you dropped me and Becky in the middle

of the woods, I'd make it home and poor little Becky'd crawl

into a hollow log and die.

Well, that's why I had two daughters.

I always carry a spare.

You know, I'm sorry I said I hated Grandma.

I guess I love her, it's just that sometimes I

don't like her.

Yeah, I know.

Well, sometimes she makes it kind of tough, you know.

But then, then there's these other times where you just want

to take her face in your hands and twist

it 'til her head pops off.

Well, it's a good thing I never feel that way about you.

Yeah, it's a real good thing.

You know, I got this theory.

It's like, Grandma was probably a better mom than her mom,

and you're definitely a better mom than grandma was.

That's a good theory.

So, by the time I'm a mom I'll be like this awesome mom

because I'll have learned from all the mistakes you guys made.

Whoa.

Heavy.

Why do you want to bet that Grandma's downstairs making

Becky look at her 400 pictures she took on her trip

to Arizona?

Yeah, Becky'll probably never get out of here.

Good!

Well, I ought to head back to the snake pit.

You want to come with me?

You going to be throwing any more biscuits?

Yeah, if I can get a clear shot.

[music playing]

Here we are the world's largest

reptile museum, Lizard Land.

That's a lizard.

Here's a bigger lizard.

Oh, and that's the owner of the museum!

Very nice young man.

We told him all about you, Jackie.

He might be calling you.

His name is Fess.

Here's your dad playing stick-'em-up with a lizard.

It's not as funny as the cactus, but you know your father.

I think that's where you get you sense of humor, Roseanne.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0