Original subtitles

[theme song playing]

You know something else?

Bill Cheevers, that guy that's done

makeup for like the last 10 years, lives with his mother?

Oh yeah. I know all about him.

Totally straight.

Get out of here.

Hetero from the word go.

No. Hold that thought.

I got to yell at the girls.

I told you if you came home late,

I was going to kick your butt.

Oh yeah?

You think you're big enough to do it?

Let's go. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

What's going on?

The girls are late.

Boy, I don't know why we bother to set down any kind of curfew.

They just come home when they feel like it anyway.

Well, they're just a little late.

An hour late.

And they don't even care that we're sitting

here worried sick about 'em.

Gin.

Yeah, you're real worried.

Hey, we're laying down rules here.

And they're ignoring us.

Yeah, and it's for their own good anyway 'cause a lot can

happen to a couple of teenage girls

an hour after the mall closes.

So that's why we want 'em here.

We just don't want 'em out there.

I'm gonna get some coffee.

You want some, Dan?

Sure.

Run!

Ho!

Ho!

Ho!

Where the hell you been?

We're really sorry.

What exactly are you sorry about, that you didn't come

home when we told you to, that you never

learned how to use a payphone?

Or that you may never see the light of day again?

That'd be the one.

It's only 10:00.

Which means you're an hour late.

And you're always an hour late.

Well then, we're on time.

We said 9:00.

We meant 9:00.

Yeah, because see, we have this really crazy idea that you

actually listen when we speak.

And when you're not here by 9:00,

we figure you have a reason.

And if we're not hearing that reason from you,

then we just sit here and make up

our own reason like that you're laying in a ditch somewhere.

We would have called.

But there was no phone in the ditch we were laying in.

Ha ha?

You're grounded.

Ha ha.

And you're home tomorrow night.

And you are very, very sorry.

Am I right? - Yes.

We didn't mean to make you worry.

It'll never happen again.

All right.

Get upstairs.

Boy, you grounded 'em real good that time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Think it'll work?

Probably as good as it did the last 12 times.

Maybe you should try something else.

I mean it.

You should talk to him like they were adults.

They're people.

They can listen to reason.

Honey, Jackie's still here.

Just smile and nod.

Come on!

This is good advice.

[theme song playing]

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm packing DJ's little duffel bag.

He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.

You think that's a good idea?

I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied

all those squirrels together?

No!

That was DJ!

Little Warren just stunned 'em.

[doorbell rings]

Honey, get that, would ya?

Sure, why not?

I have nothing else to do god knows.

Trying to pack a bag for DJ.

You come in don't have anything to do.

[muttering] You say jump.

And I'm just supposed to go how high.

- Mrs. Conner? - Yeah.

Flowers for you.

What's the catch?

I have to buy something?

No, you just take them.

OK.

Did you send me flowers, Dan?

No.

Why would I do that?

Yeah right, like you'd ever be romantic enough to do something

like that for no reason.

Dear Roseanne, I lied.

They're from me.

Love, Dan.

You scum!

I love you too, dear.

Why'd you do this?

Let me paint the picture.

20 years ago today, I picked you up in my dad's El Camino,

a little Zeppelin on the 8-track,

a little Boone's Farm Apple warming

up in the glove compartment.

Our first date!

No, our first date was a motorcycle at the A&W drive in.

This is the anniversary of our first time.

Our second date!

No.

As I recall, I was able to fend you

off just a little bit longer.

I remember.

We drove to that quaint little restaurant.

The Blue Swan Cafe.

Yes, nestled there in the heart of the Blue Swan Motel

out there on highway 72.

I had a New York steak. you had the shrimp

cocktail and chicken parmesan.

I thought that was so chic.

And the guy kept calling you sir.

And then he said for the lady.

He meant me.

And I was like really excited about that.

That was the night I asked you to be my girlfriend.

Yep.

You said you'd make me the happiest girl in the whole USA.

Mom, the toilet's broken.

Liar.

Anyhow, remember how we said we were going to be

more crazy and spontaneous?

Mm-hmm.

Well, tonight I booked us two dinner reservations

at the Blue Swan Cafe.

Oh, how romantic.

I hope we get that same booth, you know, the one with the view

of the interstate.

And just the scent of diesel in the air.

You know, it's getting so's I can

hardly smell a truck anymore without thinking of you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Where are you going?

You're grounded.

No you see, we were late on Thursday.

So we were grounded last night.

Tonight, we are free.

Oh OK, so where you going?

Me and Dana are going to the mall.

And they're going to drop me off at Marcy's.

OK, well since it's Saturday, you've got till 11.

And your dad and I are going to be

home early to check on it so.

One minute late, we'll have your butts in a sling.

You look real nice, Mom.

Thank you. 11 o'clock.

Not nice, thin!

Thin!

[theme song playing]

So tell me about the first time you ever saw me.

Ah, well you were coming out of study hall.

And you were wearing those tight corduroys.

And they were making this sound when

you were walking down the hall like they were calling my name.

Dan Conner, Dan Conner, Dan Conner.

Steak for you.

Chicken parmesan for you.

Yeah, 45 minutes for a rare steak.

I'd ask for a steak sauce, but I gotta

be at work Monday morning.

You know, it's 10:30.

We're not even going to be home till way past 11.

Call home.

Tell the girls we're going to be late.

OK.

No.

What do you mean, no?

Well, you know, this grounding stuff

doesn't seem to be working.

So like, ah, let them worry about us for a while, you know?

Maybe I'll call Jackie.

What do you think?

I'll tell her to go over there and freak them out for a while.

And then after a little bit, she can tell

them what's really going on.

Lady, you have an evil mind.

And a body to match.

What was the second thing you noticed about me?

[laughter] What, what, what?

Oh, it was those big brown eyes like two chained Dobermans

waiting to rip your leg off.

Good, good, good. Keep going.

Oh, it's your turn.

What'd you like about me?

Um, the fact that you asked me out.

What else?

That's about it.

So what, if Tommy Jorgensen woulda asked you out,

you'd be Mrs. Tommy Jorgensen right now?

Oh, like Tommy Jorgensen'd ever ask me out!

Oh, get off the sympathy wagon, Roseanne.

There were plenty of guys standing in line for you

to treat 'em like dirt.

I was just the lucky one.

Now I remember what I liked about you, Dan, the fact

that you could just spread it on so thick.

Come on, Roseanne.

What about me made you quiver?

Well, I'd have to say it was the forearms.

Really?

Yeah.

They were the biggest, manliest, meatiest hunks of flesh

I ever laid my eyes on.

The pythons, huh?

I remember like I would sneak these looks at you in class.

And you'd start rolling your sleeve up really

slow you know just to tease me.

Why, it was all I could do to keep

from climbing over all those desks

and just throwing you to the floor.

You know, [clears throat] since we're not rushing home,

maybe after dinner we could see if they

get our old room vacant.

Oh, I never thought I'd say this, Dan.

But let's skip dessert.

[theme song playing]

JACKIE: Darlene! - OK.

10 minutes.

10 lousy minutes.

But it's not my--

Don't sweat it.

They're not home.

Then I'm not late!

Right?

Yeah, don't worry, Darlene.

I wouldn't rat on ya.

You know, now that you mention it though,

it is kind of strange they're not back yet.

Oh, I didn't mention it.

I wonder where they could be.

Hmm.

You want some ice cream?

Sure.

What are you doing here?

Oh, a load of laundry.

Nah, I'm-- I'm sure they're OK.

Ow, ooh, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh they're not home yet.

Oh, cool.

Roseanne?

Oh, Becky.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

What is she doing here?

Laundry. Don't worry.

She won't tell.

You know, it's kind of weird they're not here.

I mean, after that whole deal they've

been making about curfew and everything,

I thought I'd be grounded before I even opened the door.

Yeah.

This is the kind of stuff they live for.

There you go.

Thanks.

You're not having any?

No.

I'm not really hungry all of a sudden.

So you girls have fun tonight?

Yeah.

JACKIE: Yeah? - Yeah, it was OK.

Yeah.

What'd you do? - Well, I went down to the--

I'm going to go make a phone call.

Crystal, hi.

Yeah, I know it's late.

I'm sorry.

Have you heard from Roseanne?

Yeah.

OK. Sure.

Yeah. Thanks.

Buh-bye.

Crystal says hi.

Aunt Jackie, what's going on?

I'm just thinking that it's not like your folks

to be this late.

Well, maybe their car broke down again.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

This is the kind of night that cops hate.

Lot of accidents, but I'm sure they're OK.

Wonder what's taking 'em so long.

You don't think there's a problem, do you?

[theme song playing]

[sultry jazz music]

So what do you want to do now?

What'd we do 20 years ago?

Well, let's see.

You were in the bathroom putting on a fresh coat

of white lipstick.

And you were out on the payphone bragging

to your buddies.

I still do that.

I remember what we did we.

Filled up that huge bath tub and played voyage

to the bottom of the sea.

Oh, yeah!

You kept going ooh!

Ooh!

[roseanne laughing]

Let's do that again.

OK.

This time I get to be Captain Nemo.

[music]

No towel snapping.

Oh, I'm not making any promises.

[music]

Hey, would you look at that?

Boy, that tub got a lot smaller.

[music]

It is really icing up out there.

What are they doing out so late?

Are you getting worried?

No.

You?

No.

How long could it take to eat dinner?

Yeah, and if they were going to be this late,

how come they didn't call?

I mean, this is just so weird!

Because they were just telling us how much

they worry when we're late.

And here we are worrying about them.

Incredible coincidence or a lesson for the kiddies?

You make the call.

And check.

He's doing laundry at 11:30 on Saturday.

But there's no laundry.

Oh, well, I just can't believe that one.

Isn't this just a little bit too cutesy for them?

I think they've been watching too much TV.

So, like, Aunt Jackie is just here to make sure we worry?

Well, we can't let her down now, can we?

DARLENE: Still no sign of them, eh?

Mm-mm.

I got to admit, guys, I'm starting to get worried.

That's it.

I'm calling the police.

No, no, no, we can't do that.

Why not?

Well, you'd have to say that it was a missing persons thing

and they don't like that.

But maybe mom and dad are missing.

Well, they're not missing enough.

They would have to be missing for 24 hours

before the cops will do that missing person thing.

Well, if they're not missing, then what are they?

I mean, let's face it, even mom and dad can't

eat dinner for four hours.

Oh, my God.

They could be dead!

Let's not go crazy here.

They're dead!

They're big, giant street pizzas and they're out on the highway

all squishy.

Those 18 wheels running over them, squish-squish!

Squish-squish!

Mommy, Daddy!

Are we done now?

But we're so worried.

You are rotten, rotten kids and I can't even

believe I'm related to you two!

Does that mean you won't adopt us, Aunt Jackie?

What will become of us, Darlene?

We'll be orphans.

DARLENE AND BECKY: The sun'll come out tomorrow.

JACKIE: You two are very funny.

DARLENE AND BECKY: Bet your bottom dollar that--

JACKIE: Knock it off!

So your mom's little idea didn't work.

That's fine.

Why don't we sit down here and discuss

this curfew thing as adults?

OK?

All right.

Um...

See.

All right.

First of all, don't think of curfew as a punishment.

You see, your parents don't think that way.

To them, it's a way of showing their concern.

So think of curfew as your parent's way of saying I

love you.

BECKY: I curfew, Darlene.

DARLENE: Well, I curfew too, Beck.

All right, that's it.

Both of you, upstairs.

You're grounded! That's it!

You're rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten kids!

DARLENE AND BECKY: Tomorrow!

[music]

ROSEANNE: What are you doing?

DAN: Nothing.

ROSEANNE: You took extra cheese!

Cheese fell off my slice.

I'm putting it back on.

It pulled all the cheese off of this piece!

Eat the other piece.

I don't want that.

I want the one with the brown bubble on it.

You're not getting my cheese!

Dan?

What?

Well, we could be having this argument at home

and it wouldn't be costing us 14 bucks an hour.

What are you saying?

You want to go home?

I don't know. Do you?

No!

We can't go home yet!

This a romantic thing.

We're celebrating a great moment in our life.

OK.

[clicking]

[horse neighing on television]

Hey, Bonanza's on! - No.

But that was the one where Hoss finds the leprechauns!

We're not watching TV.

Well, what do you want to do?

Hey!

The vibrating bed!

Oh, yeah!

I completely forgot how much I used to love that.

Yeah.

Remember last time we couldn't get enough of it

and we only had quarters between us?

And one of them was for the wine.

Only the best for my baby.

What do you think?

Should I crank it up?

Crank away, my bishop of love.

[bed rumbling]

Yee-hee!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

[bed rumbling]

This is awesome!

[bed rumbling]

Dan?

Yeah?

I'm going to throw up.

[bed rumbling]

Hurry.

[tapping]

[rumbling stops]

Let's go home.

We were getting too old for this.

No!

No.

It was great, honey.

Great as the last time?

Better.

You know why?

Because this time we're in love.

I was in love the other time.

Me too.

[theme music]

Well, thanks for walking me to my door Mr. Conner.

You're welcome, Miss Harris.

So are you ever going to call me again,

or is it just wham, bam, thank you Roseanne?

Hey, don't say that.

You're my girl.

Now, I want to tell you something

I never told anybody before.

This is my first time.

I know.

How about a good kiss?

Oh, maybe one.

[chuckling]

One more.

Uh, OK.

Remember that night when we played one more

kiss for about half a hour?

Then the door opened.

It was my dad.

In his underwear.

He was reading us the riot act.

Daddy's not here now.

Where have you been?

Do you know what time it is?

Couldn't you pick up a phone?

I mean, we thought you were dead in a ditch.

I don't think our plot worked, dear.

BECKY: Do you have any idea what time it is?

I have an idea.

Let's try something new.

DARLENE: You're grounded.

[deadbolt clicking]

BECKY: Hey!

Hey!

DARLENE: Let us in!

Hey! Come on!

It's cold out here. Come on!

That's what we needed all along.

Now they can't wait to come home.

[theme music]

[gentle chiming]

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