Original subtitles

[theme music]

Mother, remember when you told DJ

if he got the hall bathroom all disgusting he was gonna

have to clean it up himself.

Yes, and it's been spotless ever since.

Well, that's because the little slob's

been using our bathroom.

Is that why I keep yanking those huge wads of hair

out of the drain?

You know, one was in so damn deep, I had to use

your toothbrush to get it out.

Ew!

Hey, pig, quit washing your hair in our sink.

It's not my hair.

Well then whose is it?

Don't worry, it's dead.

I'm moving.

You know, of all the people in the world

to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.

Oh, you're the one who thought it'd be great to have a son.

Well, it would've.

Listen, I've got to go down to Lobo.

I'm meeting Davey.

We're gonna have a couple of beers

and work up a bid for the Hanover development.

Well, you're not gonna be too late, are ya?

- Well, I don't know, why? - Darlene, beat it.

Don't you remember what day it is?

It's Wednesday.

Oh yeah.

I'll be back.

I'll be here with bells on.

Don't you wanna know how many?

Surprise me.

[growls playfully]

[growls playfully]

Don't come back all bloated.

[sniffs]

Ah-ha!

A hair that isn't his.

Oh, it's mine.

[sniffs] Phew.

[toilet flushing]

[bang]

[winces]

Good.

Have either of you seen your dad this morning?

Not me.

There's a note on the counter.

JACKIE: Hey!

Hey.

Geez.

Mom, is everything OK?

Yeah, there's more orange juice in the fridge.

Hey, Ma, can I have 5 bucks for no good reason?

It's in my purse.

Something's definitely wrong.

Yep.

I should've gone for $10.

JACKIE: Hey, you got any detergent?

Yes.

I have detergent.

I have no marriage.

Oh.

So where's the detergent?

Jackie, I'm serious.

What'd Dan do now?

It's what he didn't do in the bedroom last night.

Well, one night.

Wednesday night, the night.

You're kidding?

You guys have a night?

Yes, we have a night.

It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.

You got a time, too?

Yeah, 20 minutes or until he gets a cramp.

Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.

Come on, this has been working for 17 years, you know?

And then last night, he comes in, crawling in here

at like 3:00 in the morning.

Then he's gone this morning, leaving me a note.

And it doesn't even say he's sorry.

So he missed one Wednesday.

Two Wednesdays.

OK, two Wednesdays.

Don't worry about it, Roseanne.

Around 14, you get numb.

Hey, I'm not talking about sexual frustration.

I am.

I think Dan's having an affair, Jackie.

Oh, come on!

Dan?

Why, you think he's ugly?

You think he's stupid?

You don't think there's women out there that

want to sleep with my husband?

I think there's plenty of women.

There's millions of women who'd like to sleep with Dan.

Who?

Tell me!

You're really serious!

Well, of course.

I mean, he comes in late.

He's totally preoccupied.

And then, like, he's laying there in bed making

all these little happy noises.

And if we're having Wednesday, what's he so happy about?

Come on, just because you guys aren't having Wednesday

doesn't mean that he's out Wednesdaying somebody else.

But isn't this what a man does just before he walks out?

What are you asking me for?

All right.

Well, we'll go down the checklist.

What's the first thing he does when he comes in?

He goes to the bathroom.

[winces]

What was that?

Nothing. It's not--

That was a noise.

It was like a checkmark kind of a noise.

I just-- [sighs] meant that if you want to be suspicious,

it could mean that he's washing up so you don't smell any,

like, perfume.

I've been smelling Dan as often as I can, Jackie.

And?

He smells like smoke.

[winces]

I know he doesn't smoke, and he says he's going to the Lobo,

and it does smell like smoke down there.

[winces]

I want the house!

He can have the kids, but I'm keeping the house!

Now, come on, Roseanne!

This is Dan we're talking about.

I think you owe him a little bit of trust here.

Just give him another chance.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

OK.

What's the worst that could happen?

[winces]

DAN: [moans with pleasure]

Dan!

Shh.

It's my wife.

Wake up!

What?

What were you doing?

Sleeping.

With who?

[sighs] I don't know what you're talking about.

Who is she, Dan?

Who's who?

Are you cheating on me Dan Conner?

Where'd you get that from?

Because I'm laying there watching you

slobber all over your pillow.

You haven't slobbered over me lately,

so I wonder who you're slobbering all over.

- Nobody. - Nobody?

Then who is [slobbers].

All right, Roseanne.

I have been having a dream about, you know, sex.

But that doesn't mean I'm cheating on you.

It's just a dream?

Yeah.

Well, what are you dreaming about, you and me?

Sure, why not?

I don't believe you, Dan.

You come in late.

You crawl in bed with me, and you're

dreaming about other women.

Roseanne, you're blowing this way out of proportion.

It's not a lot of other women.

It's just one woman.

That did not help me.

The same woman every time?

At least I'm faithful.

Roseanne!

Roseanne, I'm dreaming not cheating.

You're dreaming about cheating.

I can't help it!

So who is she, Dan, one of those women in your magazines?

Oh, give me some credit.

You think I'd go for that?

It's just a little redhead down at the hardware

store in the mall.

Shut up, Dan.

Rosie, I don't even know her.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about her.

I just am.

I can't help it.

Look, look, it's late.

We're both tired.

Why don't we talk about this in the morning?

Oh, you can't wait to get back to sleep, can you?

Well, you're hitting the couch, buddy.

Roseanne.

And take your little tramp with ya.

So anyway, you're saying that you

never, ever have these dreams?

Well, yeah, I have dreams like that,

but they're always about Dan.

Oh, that's so romantic.

Of course he looks like Sean Connery,

you know, and he has that accent, but I know it's Dan.

Yeah, yeah.

You're such a hypocrite.

It's OK for you to dream about Sean Connery,

but it's not OK for Dan to dream about some cute little redhead.

I told you!

It's not Sean Connery!

Hey Roseanne, cup of coffee?

We're trying to have a private conversation here, Carl.

What'd I say?

I said cup of coffee.

I've got a mall to protect.

I'm not here to yak about bikini wax.

Though I've been known to give a few in my time.

One coffee to go.

Hey, aren't you gonna introduce me to your friends?

Yes, that's my sister Jackie and my girlfriend Crystal.

Crystal, Jackie, this is Carl.

He's a big loser.

Would you like cream, Carl?

Yes, thanks.

Hey.

Are you the sister who's a cop?

Oh, yeah, but I'm off the force now.

Got hurt in the line of duty.

Really, that's great.

[sighs] God, I hope to get hurt some day.

You like guns?

Because I got some beauties at home.

Maybe we can get together one of these weekends

and kill something.

What?

Well, what's good for you, Friday, Saturday?

Never.

OK, good. We'll leave it open.

Well, see you ladies.

Carl--

Oh, don't call him back here.

Yeah?

You say you know everyone in the mall.

It's my job, Roseanne.

Well, there's this woman--

I know her.

She works at Fillmore's hardware store.

She's the little redhead.

Oh, Roseanne, just let it drop.

No, I wanna know what she's got that I ain't got.

You mean, Marge Dolman over there?

What about her?

No way, no.

Isn't there somebody else that works there,

some cute little foxy thing?

Nope, she's it.

Damn.

She's cute!

Why is he dreaming about her?

Well, she could be younger.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

You think so?

Oh, yeah.

You're much older than she is, Roseanne.

Welp, you could be her mother.

I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Crystal.

Me too.

Is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?

No.

OK.

I get it.

I'm out of here.

Call me.

I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

No, don't, don't!

Yeah, she's Dan's dream woman, Jackie.

I want to see what it is about her.

Hi, I'm your waitress, Roseanne Conner, Dan's wife and mother

of his three children.

Can I order now?

Yeah.

I'll have a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich,

but not in that order.

Mayonnaise on the bread, tomato, then

lettuce, then bacon, whole wheat toast, lightly toasted.

Wait, put the mayo on the side.

In fact, put everything on the side.

I'll put it together myself, 'cause you won't get it right.

OK.

Well?

Well, she's not just cute.

She's got a great personality.

So Dad, rode the old sofa again last night, eh?

Mm.

What's with you and Mom?

You guys never sleep apart.

No problem, I just fell asleep watching the TV.

Two nights in a row?

- Shut up, Darlene. - Come on, Dad.

We're not little kids.

If you and Mom are having serious problems,

I think you owe us the truth.

Yeah, and enough lead time to let us

decide who we'd like to live with.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Hi, Danny.

Oh my god.

What are you doing here?

I waited until your wife drove away.

I just wanted to see what you lived.

Well, here it is.

Bye.

Uh, no, no thanks.

We don't-- we don't need a new religion.

We already have one.

Mind if I use the phone?

Ooh!

Is this your little boy?

Aren't you adorable?

Yep.

You must get all your good looks from your daddy.

[chuckles] She's just here to use the phone.

There it is.

Hurry.

MARGE: [giggles]

Did you see that?

- I can't believe it. - What?

Dad, she was flirting with you.

What are you talking about?

That religion lady was coming on to you.

You're crazy!

Dad, she winked at you.

You must get all your good looks from "yo daddy"?

It doesn't mean anything.

(SING-SONGY) Dad's got a girlfriend.

Wait till Mom founds out.

OK, that's it.

Everybody goes to school.

Come on.

Is that lady my new mom?

Yeah.

Go on, scram.

Get a job.

How could you do this?

Oh Danny, don't be mad.

This is my home, my family.

Oh, come on, Danny.

I need you now!

I said no.

I am not asking, Danny.

I am taking.

Oh!

Dan!

I knew it!

No, no, wait, Roseanne.

This is a mistake.

You bet it is!

No!

No, don't!

Don't shoot!

[gunshot]

No, don't shoot!

No!

Dan?

You want to wake up the whole house?

Oh geez, that was a bad one.

What, did you and Marge have a little tiff?

Who?

You know, your dream girl from the hardware

store, Marge Dolman.

That's her name?

Marge Dolman?

Yeah, she came over to the restaurant today.

I thought she was cute, but Jackie and Crystal both thought

you could do a lot better.

Oh, great, you told Jackie and Crystal.

Well, I have to know.

I'm trying to figure it out, Dan.

I mean, what do you see in this woman?

Is she sexier than me?

No.

Does she make you laugh?

No, no laughs.

Is she better than me?

I'm thirsty.

You thirsty?

Well, help me out here, Dan.

I mean, I just can't understand.

OK, if you were dreaming about somebody like, oh say,

Kathleen Turner, then I'd just go, OK, he's a pig.

But this woman, I mean, I just don't get it, Dan.

I don't know what it's about.

I don't know.

I hardly know her.

I go to the hardware store. I want something.

She knows exactly what aisle it's in.

She knows exactly what to charge me.

So when you leave, you're getting exactly what you want.

I gotta lay down for this.

OK, doc.

I hated my father, and I wanted to marry my mother.

Go.

Well, what is it that she does in these dreams?

Stop it.

No, come on.

I want to know what she does in the dreams that's so great

so I can, you know, do that.

It's personal.

I'm your wife.

I wash your shorts.

You can tell me.

I can't.

[sighs] Well, would it help any if I was to tell

you that I got some needs too?

Like what?

I asked you first.

I asked you second.

You tell me.

All right.

All right.

In the dream, she treats me like I'm some kind

of irresistible sex toy.

Get out of here!

I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

That's what you like?

Go away.

No, Dan, I mean, how come we can do it

but we can't talk about it?

I mean, maybe-- maybe you think we're in some kind of a rut,

you know?

Maybe you-- maybe you want to try something new?

Well, maybe we could forget about Wednesdays

and try to be a little more, you know, spontaneous.

OK, fine.

Now, this is great.

See, we're talking.

It's great.

What else?

That's it.

Well, what does she do in the dream?

Roseanne, this is really tough for me.

I know, but it's healthy, honey.

Please.

Come on, tell me.

[whispers]

Dream on!

Here!

Oh!

He loves me.

He loves me not.

One more, Roseanne.

He He loves me.

Oh, looky, looky, looky.

DAN: Oh please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please.

Hi, Marge.

Oh god.

I wanted to say thanks, and I'll take it from here.

OK?

What'd you think I was gonna say?

I don't know.

You're capable of doing anything at any time.

Yes, crazy, impulsive, spontaneous.

Get in here.

DAN: Roseanne, we're in an elevator!

ROSEANNE: So?

Hurry up!

[theme music]

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