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1
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:07,241
[theme music]
2
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,730
Mother, remember
when you told DJ
3
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:05,032
if he got the hall bathroom
all disgusting he was gonna
4
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,834
have to clean it up himself.
5
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,603
Yes, and it's been
spotless ever since.
6
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:11,139
Well, that's because
the little slob's
7
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been using our bathroom.
8
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Is that why I keep yanking
those huge wads of hair
9
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,112
out of the drain?
10
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You know, one was in so
damn deep, I had to use
11
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:23,083
your toothbrush to get it out.
12
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,286
Ew!
13
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:27,688
Hey, pig, quit washing
your hair in our sink.
14
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,523
It's not my hair.
15
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,758
Well then whose is it?
16
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Don't worry, it's dead.
17
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:36,664
I'm moving.
18
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,499
You know, of all the
people in the world
19
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:43,036
to have as a role model, our
kid has to pick Eddie Munster.
20
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,406
Oh, you're the one who thought
it'd be great to have a son.
21
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,708
Well, it would've.
22
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,077
Listen, I've got
to go down to Lobo.
23
00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:51,845
I'm meeting Davey.
24
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,080
We're gonna have
a couple of beers
25
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,816
and work up a bid for
the Hanover development.
26
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,351
Well, you're not gonna
be too late, are ya?
27
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,287
- Well, I don't know, why?
- Darlene, beat it.
28
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,227
Don't you remember
what day it is?
29
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,562
It's Wednesday.
30
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,497
Oh yeah.
31
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,235
I'll be back.
32
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:18,672
I'll be here with bells on.
33
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,241
Don't you wanna know how many?
34
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,775
Surprise me.
35
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,845
[growls playfully]
36
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,315
[growls playfully]
37
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:28,582
Don't come back all bloated.
38
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[sniffs]
39
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:27,808
Ah-ha!
40
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,978
A hair that isn't his.
41
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:33,180
Oh, it's mine.
42
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,682
[sniffs] Phew.
43
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:43,624
[toilet flushing]
44
00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,272
[bang]
45
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,144
[winces]
46
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:10,518
Good.
47
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,692
Have either of you seen
your dad this morning?
48
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:19,593
Not me.
49
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:20,994
There's a note on the counter.
50
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,095
JACKIE: Hey!
51
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:22,996
Hey.
52
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,202
Geez.
53
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,204
Mom, is everything OK?
54
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:34,908
Yeah, there's more
orange juice in the fridge.
55
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:38,412
Hey, Ma, can I have 5
bucks for no good reason?
56
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:41,349
It's in my purse.
57
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:43,050
Something's definitely wrong.
58
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:43,951
Yep.
59
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,520
I should've gone for $10.
60
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,423
JACKIE: Hey, you
got any detergent?
61
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:50,558
Yes.
62
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,560
I have detergent.
63
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,595
I have no marriage.
64
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,096
Oh.
65
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,766
So where's the detergent?
66
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,601
Jackie, I'm serious.
67
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,269
What'd Dan do now?
68
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:06,039
It's what he didn't do
in the bedroom last night.
69
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,642
Well, one night.
70
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:12,112
Wednesday night, the night.
71
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,146
You're kidding?
72
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:15,649
You guys have a night?
73
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,419
Yes, we have a night.
74
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,622
It's not only Wednesday,
but it's always Wednesday.
75
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,891
You got a time, too?
76
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:27,761
Yeah, 20 minutes or
until he gets a cramp.
77
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,498
Well, you should make him
wait half an hour after he eats.
78
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,139
Come on, this has been
working for 17 years, you know?
79
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:41,575
And then last night, he
comes in, crawling in here
80
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,776
at like 3:00 in the morning.
81
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,378
Then he's gone this
morning, leaving me a note.
82
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,779
And it doesn't even
say he's sorry.
83
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,681
So he missed one Wednesday.
84
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:48,582
Two Wednesdays.
85
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,183
OK, two Wednesdays.
86
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,920
Don't worry about it, Roseanne.
87
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:57,257
Around 14, you get numb.
88
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,127
Hey, I'm not talking
about sexual frustration.
89
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,295
I am.
90
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,399
I think Dan's having
an affair, Jackie.
91
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:06,967
Oh, come on!
92
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,136
Dan?
93
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,838
Why, you think he's ugly?
94
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:11,939
You think he's stupid?
95
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:12,940
You don't think there's
women out there that
96
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:13,941
want to sleep with my husband?
97
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,943
I think there's
plenty of women.
98
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,911
There's millions of women
who'd like to sleep with Dan.
99
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:18,812
Who?
100
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,648
Tell me!
101
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,783
You're really serious!
102
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:23,684
Well, of course.
103
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,352
I mean, he comes in late.
104
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:27,821
He's totally preoccupied.
105
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,790
And then, like, he's
laying there in bed making
106
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,159
all these little happy noises.
107
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:37,498
And if we're having Wednesday,
what's he so happy about?
108
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,668
Come on, just because you
guys aren't having Wednesday
109
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:43,737
doesn't mean that he's out
Wednesdaying somebody else.
110
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,511
But isn't this what a man
does just before he walks out?
111
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,212
What are you asking me for?
112
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:57,585
All right.
113
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:58,952
Well, we'll go
down the checklist.
114
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,721
What's the first thing
he does when he comes in?
115
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,122
He goes to the bathroom.
116
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,757
[winces]
117
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,425
What was that?
118
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,227
Nothing.
It's not--
119
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:08,328
That was a noise.
120
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,363
It was like a checkmark
kind of a noise.
121
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:15,402
I just-- [sighs] meant that
if you want to be suspicious,
122
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,638
it could mean that he's washing
up so you don't smell any,
123
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,873
like, perfume.
124
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:24,645
I've been smelling Dan
as often as I can, Jackie.
125
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,546
And?
126
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,280
He smells like smoke.
127
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:28,682
[winces]
128
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,951
I know he doesn't smoke, and
he says he's going to the Lobo,
129
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,086
and it does smell
like smoke down there.
130
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,523
[winces]
131
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:36,690
I want the house!
132
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,726
He can have the kids, but
I'm keeping the house!
133
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,495
Now, come on, Roseanne!
134
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,664
This is Dan we're talking about.
135
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,199
I think you owe him a
little bit of trust here.
136
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,036
Just give him another chance.
137
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,871
Yeah.
138
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,673
Yeah, you're right.
139
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,441
OK.
140
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,076
What's the worst
that could happen?
141
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,078
[winces]
142
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:04,585
DAN: [moans with pleasure]
143
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:23,136
Dan!
144
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,037
Shh.
145
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,939
It's my wife.
146
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,676
Wake up!
147
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:29,943
What?
148
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,178
What were you doing?
149
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,079
Sleeping.
150
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,280
With who?
151
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,783
[sighs] I don't know
what you're talking about.
152
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:42,690
Who is she, Dan?
153
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:43,691
Who's who?
154
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,425
Are you cheating
on me Dan Conner?
155
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,660
Where'd you get that from?
156
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:47,961
Because I'm laying
there watching you
157
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:48,996
slobber all over your pillow.
158
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,530
You haven't slobbered
over me lately,
159
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,600
so I wonder who you're
slobbering all over.
160
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,401
- Nobody.
- Nobody?
161
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,437
Then who is [slobbers].
162
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,906
All right, Roseanne.
163
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:06,413
I have been having a dream
about, you know, sex.
164
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,048
But that doesn't mean
I'm cheating on you.
165
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,549
It's just a dream?
166
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,051
Yeah.
167
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,320
Well, what are you
dreaming about, you and me?
168
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,089
Sure, why not?
169
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,224
I don't believe you, Dan.
170
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,258
You come in late.
171
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,526
You crawl in bed
with me, and you're
172
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:20,828
dreaming about other women.
173
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,429
Roseanne, you're blowing
this way out of proportion.
174
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,563
It's not a lot of other women.
175
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:26,166
It's just one woman.
176
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:29,569
That did not help me.
177
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,771
The same woman every time?
178
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:32,205
At least I'm faithful.
179
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,241
Roseanne!
180
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,710
Roseanne, I'm
dreaming not cheating.
181
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,046
You're dreaming
about cheating.
182
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,648
I can't help it!
183
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:44,084
So who is she, Dan, one of
those women in your magazines?
184
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,285
Oh, give me some credit.
185
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:46,620
You think I'd go for that?
186
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,421
It's just a little redhead
down at the hardware
187
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,456
store in the mall.
188
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,357
Shut up, Dan.
189
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:57,798
Rosie, I don't even know her.
190
00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,532
I don't know why I'm
dreaming about her.
191
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:00,433
I just am.
192
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:01,501
I can't help it.
193
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,003
Look, look, it's late.
194
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,337
We're both tired.
195
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,206
Why don't we talk about
this in the morning?
196
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:11,411
Oh, you can't wait to
get back to sleep, can you?
197
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,146
Well, you're hitting
the couch, buddy.
198
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,147
Roseanne.
199
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,883
And take your
little tramp with ya.
200
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,824
So anyway, you're
saying that you
201
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,393
never, ever have these dreams?
202
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,128
Well, yeah, I have
dreams like that,
203
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,629
but they're always about Dan.
204
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,265
Oh, that's so romantic.
205
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,868
Of course he looks
like Sean Connery,
206
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:38,806
you know, and he has that
accent, but I know it's Dan.
207
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:39,707
Yeah, yeah.
208
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:40,808
You're such a hypocrite.
209
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,276
It's OK for you to dream
about Sean Connery,
210
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,846
but it's not OK for Dan to dream
about some cute little redhead.
211
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:46,747
I told you!
212
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:49,082
It's not Sean Connery!
213
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,719
Hey Roseanne, cup of coffee?
214
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,688
We're trying to have a
private conversation here, Carl.
215
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:55,655
What'd I say?
216
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,758
I said cup of coffee.
217
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:58,892
I've got a mall to protect.
218
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,395
I'm not here to yak
about bikini wax.
219
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,464
Though I've been known
to give a few in my time.
220
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:11,939
One coffee to go.
221
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,542
Hey, aren't you gonna
introduce me to your friends?
222
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:19,646
Yes, that's my sister Jackie
and my girlfriend Crystal.
223
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:22,482
Crystal, Jackie, this is Carl.
224
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:23,416
He's a big loser.
225
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,219
Would you like cream, Carl?
226
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,588
Yes, thanks.
227
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,223
Hey.
228
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,025
Are you the sister who's a cop?
229
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,228
Oh, yeah, but I'm
off the force now.
230
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,830
Got hurt in the line of duty.
231
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:40,433
Really, that's great.
232
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:44,337
[sighs] God, I hope
to get hurt some day.
233
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:45,505
You like guns?
234
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,474
Because I got some
beauties at home.
235
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,042
Maybe we can get together
one of these weekends
236
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,845
and kill something.
237
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,713
What?
238
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,249
Well, what's good for
you, Friday, Saturday?
239
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,184
Never.
240
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,052
OK, good.
We'll leave it open.
241
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:04,191
Well, see you ladies.
242
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,092
Carl--
243
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,829
Oh, don't call him back here.
244
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,163
Yeah?
245
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,465
You say you know
everyone in the mall.
246
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,234
It's my job, Roseanne.
247
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,702
Well, there's this woman--
248
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:18,305
I know her.
249
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,774
She works at Fillmore's
hardware store.
250
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,375
She's the little redhead.
251
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,377
Oh, Roseanne,
just let it drop.
252
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,947
No, I wanna know what
she's got that I ain't got.
253
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,381
You mean, Marge
Dolman over there?
254
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,282
What about her?
255
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,926
No way, no.
256
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,660
Isn't there somebody
else that works there,
257
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,396
some cute little foxy thing?
258
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,297
Nope, she's it.
259
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,572
Damn.
260
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:53,473
She's cute!
261
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,649
Why is he dreaming about her?
262
00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:04,918
Well, she could be younger.
263
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,353
Yeah, maybe that's it.
264
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,454
You think so?
265
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:08,555
Oh, yeah.
266
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,257
You're much older
than she is, Roseanne.
267
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:14,061
Welp, you could be her mother.
268
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,997
I'm going to pretend you
didn't say that, Crystal.
269
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,399
Me too.
270
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,468
Is anyone gonna tell
me what's going on?
271
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,136
No.
272
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,437
OK.
273
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,006
I get it.
274
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:26,907
I'm out of here.
275
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:31,578
Call me.
276
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,351
I'm gonna go over
and talk to her.
277
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:39,452
No, don't, don't!
278
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,521
Yeah, she's Dan's
dream woman, Jackie.
279
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:42,890
I want to see what
it is about her.
280
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:51,064
Hi, I'm your waitress, Roseanne
Conner, Dan's wife and mother
281
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,400
of his three children.
282
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,636
Can I order now?
283
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:57,871
Yeah.
284
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,473
I'll have a bacon,
lettuce, and tomato sandwich,
285
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,709
but not in that order.
286
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,745
Mayonnaise on the
bread, tomato, then
287
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:10,217
lettuce, then bacon, whole
wheat toast, lightly toasted.
288
00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,619
Wait, put the mayo on the side.
289
00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:14,021
In fact, put
everything on the side.
290
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,056
I'll put it together myself,
'cause you won't get it right.
291
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,294
OK.
292
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,100
Well?
293
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,201
Well, she's not just cute.
294
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,903
She's got a great personality.
295
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:44,251
So Dad, rode the old
sofa again last night, eh?
296
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,187
Mm.
297
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,088
What's with you and Mom?
298
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,889
You guys never sleep apart.
299
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:52,859
No problem, I just fell
asleep watching the TV.
300
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:53,793
Two nights in a row?
301
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,930
- Shut up, Darlene.
- Come on, Dad.
302
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:57,998
We're not little kids.
303
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,933
If you and Mom are
having serious problems,
304
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,801
I think you owe us the truth.
305
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,203
Yeah, and enough
lead time to let us
306
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,305
decide who we'd
like to live with.
307
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,107
[doorbell ringing]
308
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,608
I'll get it.
309
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,543
[grunts]
310
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,849
[grunts]
311
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:20,887
Hi, Danny.
312
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:21,788
Oh my god.
313
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:22,789
What are you doing here?
314
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,857
I waited until
your wife drove away.
315
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:26,459
I just wanted to
see what you lived.
316
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:27,995
Well, here it is.
317
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:28,895
Bye.
318
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,297
Uh, no, no thanks.
319
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:31,764
We don't-- we don't
need a new religion.
320
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:32,832
We already have one.
321
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,368
Mind if I use the phone?
322
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,269
Ooh!
323
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,071
Is this your little boy?
324
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,606
Aren't you adorable?
325
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:40,840
Yep.
326
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,076
You must get all your
good looks from your daddy.
327
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,312
[chuckles] She's just
here to use the phone.
328
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:46,879
There it is.
329
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:47,780
Hurry.
330
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,450
MARGE: [giggles]
331
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,285
Did you see that?
332
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,454
- I can't believe it.
- What?
333
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,723
Dad, she was
flirting with you.
334
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:57,824
What are you talking about?
335
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:00,160
That religion lady
was coming on to you.
336
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,594
You're crazy!
337
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,863
Dad, she winked at you.
338
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:08,035
You must get all your
good looks from "yo daddy"?
339
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:09,902
It doesn't mean anything.
340
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,571
(SING-SONGY) Dad's
got a girlfriend.
341
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:12,472
Wait till Mom founds out.
342
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:13,373
OK, that's it.
343
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,507
Everybody goes to school.
344
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:15,408
Come on.
345
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:16,843
Is that lady my new mom?
346
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,411
Yeah.
347
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,779
Go on, scram.
348
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:20,647
Get a job.
349
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,086
How could you do this?
350
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,321
Oh Danny, don't be mad.
351
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,423
This is my home, my family.
352
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,125
Oh, come on, Danny.
353
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:35,495
I need you now!
354
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,430
I said no.
355
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,898
I am not asking, Danny.
356
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:39,966
I am taking.
357
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:40,867
Oh!
358
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,309
Dan!
359
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,577
I knew it!
360
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:51,744
No, no, wait, Roseanne.
361
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:52,979
This is a mistake.
362
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,748
You bet it is!
363
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,717
No!
364
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,219
No, don't!
365
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:01,221
Don't shoot!
366
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,489
[gunshot]
367
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:03,723
No, don't shoot!
368
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,225
No!
369
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,193
Dan?
370
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,394
You want to wake
up the whole house?
371
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,130
Oh geez, that was a bad one.
372
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:12,999
What, did you and
Marge have a little tiff?
373
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,967
Who?
374
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,703
You know, your dream
girl from the hardware
375
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,206
store, Marge Dolman.
376
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,408
That's her name?
377
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,743
Marge Dolman?
378
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,713
Yeah, she came over
to the restaurant today.
379
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,516
I thought she was cute, but
Jackie and Crystal both thought
380
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:32,285
you could do a lot better.
381
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,488
Oh, great, you told
Jackie and Crystal.
382
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:36,923
Well, I have to know.
383
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,225
I'm trying to
figure it out, Dan.
384
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,393
I mean, what do you
see in this woman?
385
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,561
Is she sexier than me?
386
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:42,629
No.
387
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:43,530
Does she make you laugh?
388
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:45,698
No, no laughs.
389
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,467
Is she better than me?
390
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,368
I'm thirsty.
391
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,269
You thirsty?
392
00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:52,539
Well, help me out here, Dan.
393
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:53,773
I mean, I just can't understand.
394
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,609
OK, if you were dreaming
about somebody like, oh say,
395
00:17:56,709 --> 00:18:01,080
Kathleen Turner, then I'd
just go, OK, he's a pig.
396
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,583
But this woman, I mean,
I just don't get it, Dan.
397
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:04,884
I don't know what it's about.
398
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:05,785
I don't know.
399
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:07,254
I hardly know her.
400
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,055
I go to the hardware store.
I want something.
401
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,457
She knows exactly
what aisle it's in.
402
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:13,092
She knows exactly
what to charge me.
403
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:16,963
So when you leave, you're
getting exactly what you want.
404
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,265
I gotta lay down for this.
405
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:19,466
OK, doc.
406
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,434
I hated my father, and I
wanted to marry my mother.
407
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,470
Go.
408
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:27,507
Well, what is it that
she does in these dreams?
409
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,708
Stop it.
410
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,076
No, come on.
411
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:34,281
I want to know what she does
in the dreams that's so great
412
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:38,985
so I can, you know, do that.
413
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,687
It's personal.
414
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:41,588
I'm your wife.
415
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:42,855
I wash your shorts.
416
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:43,990
You can tell me.
417
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,625
I can't.
418
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:50,330
[sighs] Well, would it
help any if I was to tell
419
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:53,099
you that I got some needs too?
420
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:57,570
Like what?
421
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:58,471
I asked you first.
422
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,507
I asked you second.
423
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:02,141
You tell me.
424
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,377
All right.
425
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,646
All right.
426
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:12,419
In the dream, she treats
me like I'm some kind
427
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,986
of irresistible sex toy.
428
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:19,125
Get out of here!
429
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:23,696
I'm so glad I got
that off my chest.
430
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:26,065
That's what you like?
431
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,768
Go away.
432
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,737
No, Dan, I mean,
how come we can do it
433
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:33,406
but we can't talk about it?
434
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,975
I mean, maybe-- maybe you think
we're in some kind of a rut,
435
00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:37,176
you know?
436
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,246
Maybe you-- maybe you
want to try something new?
437
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:48,655
Well, maybe we could
forget about Wednesdays
438
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:53,693
and try to be a little
more, you know, spontaneous.
439
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,662
OK, fine.
440
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:56,596
Now, this is great.
441
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,497
See, we're talking.
442
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,332
It's great.
443
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,300
What else?
444
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,201
That's it.
445
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,537
Well, what does
she do in the dream?
446
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:07,073
Roseanne, this is
really tough for me.
447
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:09,008
I know, but it's
healthy, honey.
448
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:09,909
Please.
449
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,110
Come on, tell me.
450
00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,984
[whispers]
451
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,220
Dream on!
452
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:30,497
Here!
453
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:31,398
Oh!
454
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,465
He loves me.
455
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,501
He loves me not.
456
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:35,968
One more, Roseanne.
457
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,170
He He loves me.
458
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:40,139
Oh, looky, looky, looky.
459
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,776
DAN: Oh please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
460
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,045
please, please, please, please.
461
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:46,946
Hi, Marge.
462
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,815
Oh god.
463
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:53,019
I wanted to say thanks,
and I'll take it from here.
464
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:53,920
OK?
465
00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:58,391
What'd you think
I was gonna say?
466
00:20:58,491 --> 00:20:59,526
I don't know.
467
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:01,628
You're capable of doing
anything at any time.
468
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:06,132
Yes, crazy,
impulsive, spontaneous.
469
00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,468
Get in here.
470
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,337
DAN: Roseanne, we're
in an elevator!
471
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:11,237
ROSEANNE: So?
472
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:12,138
Hurry up!
473
00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:22,081
[theme music]
474
00:21:22,131 --> 00:21:26,681
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