Original subtitles

[tone]

[tone]

Today's the day.

24 hours in hell.

All right.

I must clear my mind.

That is cold.

She probably has a good hour on me.

Got to get up.

Got to stay out all day.

Minimize the damage.

Get far away from ground 0.

Getting too old for this.

The horror.

The horror.

[shushing]

OK, before Dan gets up, let's go over

the plans for a surprise party.

Crystal, what do you have to report?

Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for selecting

me to do the decorations.

You're quite welcome.

And in light of our $40 budget,

I have decided upon balloons and stupid hats.

Good choice.

And now can we hear from the cake committee?

Two peas in happy, right?

How are you going to get Dan down there, Roseanne?

Oh, I'm just going to tell him,

hey, the lodge is having another all you can eat night,

and you've got to be there to defend your crown.

So what should we do?

OK, Becky you're going to help Crystal with the decorations.

And Darlene, I don't care if you want to go or not.

You're going.

I hate these parties.

No kid should ever be forced to watch their parents do

the Hully Gully.

Not for the squeamish.

Good morning, Dad!

Crystal, let's get out to those garage sale.

Oh, yeah, you can always find a bargain at the garage sale.

Dad!

Where you going?

Fishing.

Today?

Goodbye.

It's November, Dad the lake is frozen.

OK, then I'm going bowling.

See you tomorrow.

No, Dan.

Wait.

Don't you want to spend the day with your family?

What? is this some kind of trick question, Jackie?

What about the Michigan and Illinois game, Dad?

Don't you guys realize what today is?

Oh, Dan.

I forgot.

It's Dan's birthday.

(SINGING) Happy birthday, Dan!

Forget my birthday.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

P- M- S.

Oh, my God!

[music playing]

[laughter]

Are you sure?

Jackie, I've been through this for 17 years.

Every 28 days, 204 times.

Yes, I'm sure.

I don't know, Dan.

Rosanne seemed perfectly pleasant today.

Hey, Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne

to be perfectly pleasant?

I'm going to go to the mall.

I've got basketball practice.

Me too.

No, no.

Hold on, Everybody.

It's going to be a 24 hour roller coaster

ride with Sybil at the switch.

Oh, I know just before my time of the month and those hormones

get acting up, I'm good for one solid day of pure mean.

- You? - Oh, yeah.

Once I went around and busted a street light for every man

who ever broke my heart.

Yeah, I remember the great blackout of '84.

No, you can't leave.

Jackie.

Jackie, I'm warning you.

If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared

to gnaw my own arm off.

Dan.

Dan, Roseanne's got a big surprise party planned

for you down at the lodge.

There's going to be like 50 people.

- No. - Yeah.

It can't be. feel

Now Dan, don't worry.

Roseanne does not have PMS today.

Dan?

Do you think I'm pretty?

I'm out of here!

[music playing]

[music playing]

OK.

So far so good.

Dan's out working in the garage, out of the line of fire.

Dan!

Dan you in there?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, just fixing this thing here.

Hair.

Hair Is different.

Do I like it?

What if she doesn't?

Gotta say something before--

Do you like my hair?

Too late.

I love it?

I can't believe it, Dan.

I mean, I do something to make myself a little bit more

attractive to you.

And you don't even notice.

You think I do this for myself?

I mean, the hair's on my head, I can't even see it.

God, you man.

Oh, and you are taking me and the kids to the lodge at 5:00,

and that's that.

I don't care if it is your little birthday.

Dan.

I love you.

5 o'clock.

[music playing]

No, Crystal, he does not suspect a thing.

Of course, I had to trick him to get him to go.

But no, he just thinks it's another normal birthday dinner.

Mom, you're ironing the towels?

Well, I can't wait for you to do it, can I?

Stay away from those towels.

I have to re-fold them.

Why don't you go put on that pretty pink dress of yours

with the little flowers on it?

Oh, the pink dress.

You mean the one I had on first.

And tell your sister to hurry up.

You know, I swear this whole family would just

fall apart if I wasn't here.

Oh, you're not wearing that one, are you?

No.

Hurry up!

I'm starving!

Jeez, you know, this whole surprise party thing sure

seemed a lot better last week.

Whose stupid idea was this anyway?

Well, I know what was, Crystal.

But you don't have to throw up in my face.

Don't patronize me, Crystal.

If you're going to have that kind of attitude,

you don't you have to come if you don't want to.

You want to, don't you?

I mean, it wouldn't be a party without you.

[yells]

You know, Dan, I've been thinking maybe

I ought to sign up for night school

and take a couple of classes like in creative writing

or word processing or something like that, you know?

Oh.

OK, I'm supposed to say something here.

Let's try, that sounds good honey,

Or maybe what I really should do it just

join an aerobics class, you know, and try

to get in shape or something.

Or maybe I could do both of them together.

But then I'd hardly ever be home.

I don't know.

What do you think, Dan?

Uh.

Oh, you look like the perfect little gentleman.

Let's see your hands.

They're filthy.

Go wash them.

You know, you ought to wash your hands too, Dan.

Oh, this tie.

I've always loved this tie.

See how it has the green and the stuff on it.

I know what I'll do, I'll change it in my green dress

so that we'll match.

You guys stay away from those clean towels.

Dan!

Save yourself.

I just kind of want to apologize to you,

because well, I'm sorry that--

I know I've been a little excitable today.

I didn't really notice, Honey.

You know I asked Darlene to do?

I asked her to catalog all my coupons according to expiration

date and the four food groups.

And then I start writing this letter to my best friend

from third grade, Sherry Jaggy.

And I mean, I haven't even had her address

for something like 20 years.

That's OK, Honey.

I know you get a little whacked out every now and then.

What's your point, Dan?

I really don't have a point.

Now go ahead and say it, because I know

what you're thinking anyway.

You think I have PMS.

No.

No, no, I wasn't thinking that.

But I have been doing a little reading on it lately.

And you know they have these pills now that are supposed

to help, if you did have PMS.

A pill?

A pill?

You want me to take a pill?

Well, do they have a pill for you, Dan?

Let's go, Dan, we're going to be late for Roseanne's surprise

party.

It's my surprise party, Jackie.

Why didn't you talk her out of this.

You know I hate surprise parties.

The only people who ever have any fun

are the people who were in on it.

Oh.

Well, you're in on it.

Can we go, so we can get home already?

Dad, what is she doing in there?

Changing into another outfit or another personality?

Let's just enjoy one moment of peace.

Dan!

Get in here!

[music playing]

Love you, Daddy.

You're going in.

Could be a suicide mission.

Stay low.

Stay low.

Don't worry.

I'll get through this.

Somewhere, your real wife waits for you.

Come here, you Big Sexy man.

That's not her.

[music playing]

Of course, you don't have to tell your real wife.

[music playing]

OK, we're out of here.

Jeez, what were you guys doing in there?

Never mind.

Let's go.

Honey, come on.

We're almost going to be real late.

I'm not going.

OK.

OK, look, we've been through this before.

We know she's got 100 different personalities.

We've seen them all before.

How can I go when we're destroying the ozone layer?

101.

Kids, I want you to remember this.

PMS is serious stuff.

Causes depression, anxiety, physical pain.

And it's rough on your mother, too.

[music playing]

OK, listen, Everybody.

I'm just going to check and see if our table's ready.

And I'll be right out. You wait for me.

Hey, OK, now nobody gets the food, got it.

And then I want you all to get around

the door here, with the tallest people in the back.

And be real quiet.

And then when Dan comes in, you yell, surprise.

You know how you do it, right?

Our table's ready.

Surprise!

[applause]

(SINGING) For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow!

All right, I'm starving.

Let's eat.

Isn't this great, Dan.

All your friends are here.

It's great, Roseanne.

I-- I can't believe it.

How did you ever do this without me knowing?

Wow, you really were surprised, weren't you?

Are you kidding?

When I walk through the door, and I saw--

You know, Dan, we really should have a song,

shouldn't we?

You know, because then whenever we heard it, we would go,

that's our song.

Did I invite you?

Oh, Eddie. Eddie, hi.

How are you doing? - Oh, OK.

Good to see you Thanks for coming.

You're all right then.

Roseanne, I love your hair.

See Dan?

So what do you think, Roseanne?

About what?

The decorations.

I planned this all very carefully.

I bet you didn't even realize that there

are exactly 40 balloons here.

40?

Dan is 39, Crystal.

[yells]

Well, I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I got him one to grow on.

Well, you needn't apologize to me, Crystal.

Apologize to Dan for ruining his party.

[music - "kung fu fighting"]

Got to say, there are some damn good looking guys here

tonight.

Get off.

Come on.

It's been almost a month Gary dumped you.

I dumped Gary.

Yeah.

And now here you are at some crummy party

dancing with your sister.

You know, it just breaks my heart to see you like this.

I'm fine.

You don't have to yell at me.

You know, I'm the one person here that loves you the most.

Roseanne!

Oh, you know, if you were not my sister,

I just don't know who would be.

Hey, Danny boy, you having a good time?

Yeah.

You're probably wondering why Nancy isn't hear.

Who's Nancy?

Well, she said she was paying for everything.

And I wouldn't pull my own weight.

And she kicked me out of her apartment.

And now I'm living in my car.

You're kidding.

Well, actually it's her car.

So I guess poker night at your place is pretty much out now.

Why?

Singing telegram for Dan Conner.

What's that?

Well, me and the guys got together

and got you a little something.

It's our way of saying, happy birthday.

Well, hello there, birthday boy.

[music playing]

Out!

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

You know, you're the reason why there will

never be a woman president.

Whose idea it was this?

I might have known.

But I blame you for it, Dan Conner.

Oh, I might have expected it from your slimy friends,

but not from the father of my children.

I'm sorry, dear.

As if that's going to make everything all right.

Well, what about that poor woman who

was only trying to do her job and now

has been made to feel like dirt?

And I have to go out there and comfort her, thanks to you.

Mental note. Kill Arnie.

[music playing]

Dan?

Dan?

Oh, Dan.

Dan, she's making people do the limbo.

OK.

Oh, my God.

It's your ship.

It's my birthday.

There are no birthdays in hell, Dan,

now get in there before somebody gets hurt.

Just a minute, Jackie.

I just realized I'm 39 years old.

39.

By this time next year, I'll be 40.

40.

That's almost middle aged.

What have I done with my life?

What have I accomplished?

Cut the introspective crap and get in there?

I don't know why I have to put up with this every month.

So she's gone hormones.

So?

Why should she just get away with this.

How about me?

When is it my turn?

When does everybody have to tiptoe around me?

When do I get my PMS?

All better now?

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, come on, you guys.

We're just about ready to open up all the presents.

The presents.

That's almost the end, right?

No.

cake.

OK, come on, everyone.

Gather around.

Dan's going to open his presents now.

Come on.

Look, everybody.

It's a little crown.

DJ made it himself.

It's a macaroni face.

Oh, look, honey.

And he even spelled out Dad using little tiny Spaghettios.

(ALL) Aw.

And you said he had no talent.

Let's see what's inside this one.

Hang in there, champ.

Only a couple more rounds to go.

You're doing fine.

OK, everybody, can I have your attention.

I'd like to pose a toast to my husband, Dan Conner.

So everybody hold up your glasses.

Higher,

For you, Dan Conner, my husband, my best friend,

the father of these children.

You are the ink in my pen.

You are the paper on which I write.

We've been married for 17 years.

We've had many wonderful times.

We've had many, many bad times.

Happy birthday, honey.

[cheering]

You know, like that one time when

we went and saw "Old Yeller."

And you cried and cried.

Remember, you made me promise I'd never tell anybody

that you cried like that.

And I never have in all these years.

And I never will.

Thank you, dear.

So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soul

mate, my friend, my rock.

God, please let this be over.

A great big rock that just sits on my couch

and does nothing to watch TV.

That's it.

God's a woman.

Oh, occasionally, it'll as for a beer.

And then I have to go in there and get it,

because after all, it is just a rock.

And a rock can't just camp itself over and roll over

to the refrigerator, can it?

So I have to get the beer for it.

Yeah.

A big, TV watching, beer drinking rock.

But he's my rock.

And I must live with it.

So happy birthday, Dan.

Happy birthday, Dan!

[singing happy birthday]

Make a wish, Dan!

[cheering]

Yes!

I got my wish!

[music playing]

Happy birthday, Dan.

My birthday was yesterday, Roseanne.

Well, I know that.

But you know what?

We forgot to do your traditional birthday breakfast.

SO OK, what's it going to be?

Pancakes, waffles, an omelette, whatever you want, you know.

Nothing is too good for my man.

You know what?

I think I'm just going to go back to the bedroom,

read the paper, and not talk to a soul.

Is that OK with you, Roseanne?

God, he gets so damn moody It comes every month, too.

Man.

[music playing, applause]

[music playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0