All language subtitles for Roseanne s03e08 PMS, I Love You.eng

[tone]

[tone]

Today's the day.

24 hours in hell.

All right.

I must clear my mind.

That is cold.

She probably has
a good hour on me.

Got to get up.

Got to stay out all day.

Minimize the damage.

Get far away from ground 0.

Getting too old for this.

The horror.

The horror.

[shushing]

OK, before Dan gets
up, let's go over

the plans for a surprise party.

Crystal, what do
you have to report?

Well, first of all, I'd like
to thank you for selecting

me to do the decorations.

You're quite welcome.

And in light of
our $40 budget,

I have decided upon
balloons and stupid hats.

Good choice.

And now can we hear
from the cake committee?

Two peas in happy, right?

How are you going to get
Dan down there, Roseanne?

Oh, I'm just
going to tell him,

hey, the lodge is having
another all you can eat night,

and you've got to be there
to defend your crown.

So what should we do?

OK, Becky you're going to help
Crystal with the decorations.

And Darlene, I don't care
if you want to go or not.

You're going.

I hate these parties.

No kid should ever be forced
to watch their parents do

the Hully Gully.

Not for the squeamish.

Good morning, Dad!

Crystal, let's get out
to those garage sale.

Oh, yeah, you can always find
a bargain at the garage sale.

Dad!

Where you going?

Fishing.

Today?

Goodbye.

It's November, Dad
the lake is frozen.

OK, then I'm going bowling.

See you tomorrow.

No, Dan.

Wait.

Don't you want to spend
the day with your family?

What? is this some kind
of trick question, Jackie?

What about the Michigan
and Illinois game, Dad?

Don't you guys
realize what today is?

Oh, Dan.

I forgot.

It's Dan's birthday.

(SINGING) Happy birthday, Dan!

Forget my birthday.

Do I have to spell
it out for you?

P- M- S.

Oh, my God!

[music playing]

[laughter]

Are you sure?

Jackie, I've been
through this for 17 years.

Every 28 days, 204 times.

Yes, I'm sure.

I don't know, Dan.

Rosanne seemed perfectly
pleasant today.

Hey, Crystal, when have
you ever known Roseanne

to be perfectly pleasant?

I'm going to go to the mall.

I've got basketball practice.

Me too.

No, no.

Hold on, Everybody.

It's going to be a
24 hour roller coaster

ride with Sybil at the switch.

Oh, I know just before my time
of the month and those hormones

get acting up, I'm good for
one solid day of pure mean.

- You?
- Oh, yeah.

Once I went around and busted
a street light for every man

who ever broke my heart.

Yeah, I remember the
great blackout of '84.

No, you can't leave.

Jackie.

Jackie, I'm warning you.

If you don't let go of
me, I'm fully prepared

to gnaw my own arm off.

Dan.

Dan, Roseanne's got a big
surprise party planned

for you down at the lodge.

There's going to
be like 50 people.

- No.
- Yeah.

It can't be. feel

Now Dan, don't worry.

Roseanne does not
have PMS today.

Dan?

Do you think I'm pretty?

I'm out of here!

[music playing]

[music playing]

OK.

So far so good.

Dan's out working in the
garage, out of the line of fire.

Dan!

Dan you in there?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, just fixing
this thing here.

Hair.

Hair Is different.

Do I like it?

What if she doesn't?

Gotta say something before--

Do you like my hair?

Too late.

I love it?

I can't believe it, Dan.

I mean, I do something to
make myself a little bit more

attractive to you.

And you don't even notice.

You think I do this for myself?

I mean, the hair's on my
head, I can't even see it.

God, you man.

Oh, and you are taking me and
the kids to the lodge at 5:00,

and that's that.

I don't care if it is
your little birthday.

Dan.

I love you.

5 o'clock.

[music playing]

No, Crystal, he does
not suspect a thing.

Of course, I had to trick
him to get him to go.

But no, he just thinks it's
another normal birthday dinner.

Mom, you're
ironing the towels?

Well, I can't wait
for you to do it, can I?

Stay away from those towels.

I have to re-fold them.

Why don't you go put on that
pretty pink dress of yours

with the little flowers on it?

Oh, the pink dress.

You mean the one I had on first.

And tell your
sister to hurry up.

You know, I swear this
whole family would just

fall apart if I wasn't here.

Oh, you're not wearing
that one, are you?

No.

Hurry up!

I'm starving!

Jeez, you know, this whole
surprise party thing sure

seemed a lot better last week.

Whose stupid idea
was this anyway?

Well, I know what was, Crystal.

But you don't have to
throw up in my face.

Don't patronize me, Crystal.

If you're going to have
that kind of attitude,

you don't you have to
come if you don't want to.

You want to, don't you?

I mean, it wouldn't be
a party without you.

[yells]

You know, Dan, I've
been thinking maybe

I ought to sign up
for night school

and take a couple of classes
like in creative writing

or word processing or
something like that, you know?

Oh.

OK, I'm supposed to
say something here.

Let's try, that
sounds good honey,

Or maybe what I
really should do it just

join an aerobics class,
you know, and try

to get in shape or something.

Or maybe I could do
both of them together.

But then I'd hardly
ever be home.

I don't know.

What do you think, Dan?

Uh.

Oh, you look like the
perfect little gentleman.

Let's see your hands.

They're filthy.

Go wash them.

You know, you ought to
wash your hands too, Dan.

Oh, this tie.

I've always loved this tie.

See how it has the green
and the stuff on it.

I know what I'll do, I'll
change it in my green dress

so that we'll match.

You guys stay away from
those clean towels.

Dan!

Save yourself.

I just kind of want
to apologize to you,

because well, I'm sorry that--

I know I've been a
little excitable today.

I didn't really notice, Honey.

You know I asked
Darlene to do?

I asked her to catalog all my
coupons according to expiration

date and the four food groups.

And then I start writing
this letter to my best friend

from third grade, Sherry Jaggy.

And I mean, I haven't
even had her address

for something like 20 years.

That's OK, Honey.

I know you get a little
whacked out every now and then.

What's your point, Dan?

I really don't have a point.

Now go ahead and
say it, because I know

what you're thinking anyway.

You think I have PMS.

No.

No, no, I wasn't thinking that.

But I have been doing a
little reading on it lately.

And you know they have these
pills now that are supposed

to help, if you did have PMS.

A pill?

A pill?

You want me to take a pill?

Well, do they have
a pill for you, Dan?

Let's go, Dan, we're going to
be late for Roseanne's surprise

party.

It's my surprise
party, Jackie.

Why didn't you talk
her out of this.

You know I hate
surprise parties.

The only people who
ever have any fun

are the people
who were in on it.

Oh.

Well, you're in on it.

Can we go, so we
can get home already?

Dad, what is she
doing in there?

Changing into another outfit
or another personality?

Let's just enjoy
one moment of peace.

Dan!

Get in here!

[music playing]

Love you, Daddy.

You're going in.

Could be a suicide mission.

Stay low.

Stay low.

Don't worry.

I'll get through this.

Somewhere, your real
wife waits for you.

Come here, you Big Sexy man.

That's not her.

[music playing]

Of course, you don't have
to tell your real wife.

[music playing]

OK, we're out of here.

Jeez, what were you
guys doing in there?

Never mind.

Let's go.

Honey, come on.

We're almost going
to be real late.

I'm not going.

OK.

OK, look, we've been
through this before.

We know she's got 100
different personalities.

We've seen them all before.

How can I go when we're
destroying the ozone layer?

101.

Kids, I want you
to remember this.

PMS is serious stuff.

Causes depression,
anxiety, physical pain.

And it's rough on
your mother, too.

[music playing]

OK, listen, Everybody.

I'm just going to check and
see if our table's ready.

And I'll be right out.
You wait for me.

Hey, OK, now nobody
gets the food, got it.

And then I want you
all to get around

the door here, with the
tallest people in the back.

And be real quiet.

And then when Dan comes
in, you yell, surprise.

You know how you do it, right?

Our table's ready.

Surprise!

[applause]

(SINGING) For he's
a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow!

All right, I'm starving.

Let's eat.

Isn't this great, Dan.

All your friends are here.

It's great, Roseanne.

I-- I can't believe it.

How did you ever do
this without me knowing?

Wow, you really were
surprised, weren't you?

Are you kidding?

When I walk through
the door, and I saw--

You know, Dan, we
really should have a song,

shouldn't we?

You know, because then whenever
we heard it, we would go,

that's our song.

Did I invite you?

Oh, Eddie.
Eddie, hi.

How are you doing?
- Oh, OK.

Good to see you
Thanks for coming.

You're all right then.

Roseanne, I love your hair.

See Dan?

So what do you
think, Roseanne?

About what?

The decorations.

I planned this all
very carefully.

I bet you didn't even
realize that there

are exactly 40 balloons here.

40?

Dan is 39, Crystal.

[yells]

Well, I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I got him one to grow on.

Well, you needn't
apologize to me, Crystal.

Apologize to Dan for
ruining his party.

[music - "kung fu fighting"]

Got to say, there are some
damn good looking guys here

tonight.

Get off.

Come on.

It's been almost a
month Gary dumped you.

I dumped Gary.

Yeah.

And now here you are
at some crummy party

dancing with your sister.

You know, it just breaks my
heart to see you like this.

I'm fine.

You don't have to yell at me.

You know, I'm the one person
here that loves you the most.

Roseanne!

Oh, you know, if you
were not my sister,

I just don't know who would be.

Hey, Danny boy, you
having a good time?

Yeah.

You're probably wondering
why Nancy isn't hear.

Who's Nancy?

Well, she said she was
paying for everything.

And I wouldn't
pull my own weight.

And she kicked me
out of her apartment.

And now I'm living in my car.

You're kidding.

Well, actually it's her car.

So I guess poker night at your
place is pretty much out now.

Why?

Singing telegram
for Dan Conner.

What's that?

Well, me and the
guys got together

and got you a little something.

It's our way of
saying, happy birthday.

Well, hello
there, birthday boy.

[music playing]

Out!

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

You know, you're the
reason why there will

never be a woman president.

Whose idea it was this?

I might have known.

But I blame you
for it, Dan Conner.

Oh, I might have expected
it from your slimy friends,

but not from the
father of my children.

I'm sorry, dear.

As if that's going to
make everything all right.

Well, what about
that poor woman who

was only trying to
do her job and now

has been made to feel like dirt?

And I have to go out there and
comfort her, thanks to you.

Mental note.
Kill Arnie.

[music playing]

Dan?

Dan?

Oh, Dan.

Dan, she's making
people do the limbo.

OK.

Oh, my God.

It's your ship.

It's my birthday.

There are no
birthdays in hell, Dan,

now get in there before
somebody gets hurt.

Just a minute, Jackie.

I just realized
I'm 39 years old.

39.

By this time next
year, I'll be 40.

40.

That's almost middle aged.

What have I done with my life?

What have I accomplished?

Cut the introspective
crap and get in there?

I don't know why I have to
put up with this every month.

So she's gone hormones.

So?

Why should she just
get away with this.

How about me?

When is it my turn?

When does everybody have
to tiptoe around me?

When do I get my PMS?

All better now?

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, come on, you guys.

We're just about ready to
open up all the presents.

The presents.

That's almost the end, right?

No.

cake.

OK, come on, everyone.

Gather around.

Dan's going to open
his presents now.

Come on.

Look, everybody.

It's a little crown.

DJ made it himself.

It's a macaroni face.

Oh, look, honey.

And he even spelled out Dad
using little tiny Spaghettios.

(ALL) Aw.

And you said he had no talent.

Let's see what's
inside this one.

Hang in there, champ.

Only a couple more rounds to go.

You're doing fine.

OK, everybody, can
I have your attention.

I'd like to pose a toast
to my husband, Dan Conner.

So everybody hold
up your glasses.

Higher,

For you, Dan Conner, my
husband, my best friend,

the father of these children.

You are the ink in my pen.

You are the paper
on which I write.

We've been married for 17 years.

We've had many wonderful times.

We've had many, many bad times.

Happy birthday, honey.

[cheering]

You know, like
that one time when

we went and saw "Old Yeller."

And you cried and cried.

Remember, you made me promise
I'd never tell anybody

that you cried like that.

And I never have
in all these years.

And I never will.

Thank you, dear.

So here's to you, Dan
Conner, my husband, my soul

mate, my friend, my rock.

God, please let this be over.

A great big rock that
just sits on my couch

and does nothing to watch TV.

That's it.

God's a woman.

Oh, occasionally,
it'll as for a beer.

And then I have to go
in there and get it,

because after all,
it is just a rock.

And a rock can't just camp
itself over and roll over

to the refrigerator, can it?

So I have to get
the beer for it.

Yeah.

A big, TV watching,
beer drinking rock.

But he's my rock.

And I must live with it.

So happy birthday, Dan.

Happy birthday, Dan!

[singing happy birthday]

Make a wish, Dan!

[cheering]

Yes!

I got my wish!

[music playing]

Happy birthday, Dan.

My birthday was
yesterday, Roseanne.

Well, I know that.

But you know what?

We forgot to do your
traditional birthday breakfast.

SO OK, what's it going to be?

Pancakes, waffles, an omelette,
whatever you want, you know.

Nothing is too good for my man.

You know what?

I think I'm just going to
go back to the bedroom,

read the paper, and
not talk to a soul.

Is that OK with you, Roseanne?

God, he gets so damn moody
It comes every month, too.

Man.

[music playing, applause]

[music playing]

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