Original subtitles

Not now, Dan.

OK, but hurry up.

This mattress is killing me.

I've got a spring right in the middle of my back.

So move.

I tried that.

Well, try again.

Switch sides with me, Roseanne.

No.

Come on.

I've got to get some sleep.

I can't sleep with your hot nostril air

blowing all over me.

Turn over.

No, you.

Oh, fine.

Oh.

What?

I'm still not happy.

Come on.

Help me flip the mattress over.

OK.

Come on, Rosanne.

You've got to get up.

Well, you didn't tell me what was part of it.

Come on.

Oh.

Oh. good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Ow.

We need to get a new bed.

You mean a brand new bed?

No, one some old person died in.

We'll talk about tomorrow.

Oh.

Dan, now you're all comfy on account of I've

got the spring on my side now.

All right, but hurry up.

[theme music]

[coughing]

[coughing]

- Stop it. - Stop it.

I mean it.

I mean it.

Cut it out, creep.

Cut it out, creep.

- Dad. - Dad.

Hm?

It's DJ.

It's DJ.

I'm going to kill him.

- I'm going to kill him. - Why?

What's he doing?

- Mom. - Mom.

ROSEANNE: What?

Darlene's saying everything DJ says

a second before he says it.

God, that's so immature.

He's driving me crazy.

DJ: Crazy.

If he doesn't cut it out, there's no telling what

might happen to him.

Happen to him.

Hey, Darlene, do you ever think about banging your head

on the table real hard?

Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you very much. - You're dead.

You're dead.

How's it going?

How's it going?

Funny you should ask because you know what, Rodbells

is having a sale on bed, OK?

40% off.

And that coupled with my employee discount, 20%,

I think somebody is trying to tell us something.

Roseanne, I've been thinking, what if my manly abilities

aren't really mine?

What if it's the mattress?

I thought it was the mattress.

No.

I mean, what if I can't wow you in a new bed?

Well, you didn't have no trouble when we brought

home that new kitchen table.

True.

If anybody cares, DJ's head fits really well in the toilet.

See, Dan.

I told you, DJ is small for his age.

[car horn honking]

See ya.

Whoa.

Where are you going?

I told you, Mom.

His name is Mark Healey and we're going to a party.

Healey?

Healey?

Healey?

I don't really know any Healeys, do we, dear?

I don't know.

Does his father bowl?

Oh, god.

[car horn honking]

Not a league man, eh?

Perhaps we've run into them while dining

at Spaghetti Bucket.

I don't recall, Lovey.

Maybe they're not the all-you-can-eat type.

Oh god, Dan.

You don't think they're nouveau poor.

[car horn honking]

Please let me go.

No.

It's your first date with the guy, we're going to meet him.

Well, can't you meet him like some other time?

We're kind of in a hurry.

You know the way it works, Beck.

He's just sitting out there.

He'll think I'm ditching him.

Well, then let him make that long, lonely walk to the door

and find out.

[knock at door] - I'll get it.

No, Darlene.

No.

We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

God, I hate this family.

What's going on?

I've been honking for an hour.

Sorry.

My parents want to meet you.

Oh, man.

Mom, Dad, this is Mark.

Mark, these are my parents.

Hi.

Dan Connor This is my wife, Roseanne.

And of course, the lovely Darlene.

OK. Let's go.

Mark, I'm sure you'd love to get the hell out of here,

but that's not the way we do things.

No.

So let's sit right down here on the Davenport

and get to know each other a little bit better.

Huh, honey?

So Mark, what grade you you in?

Twelfth.

Ah, great.

You play football?

Nope.

Oh, too bad.

They've really got a great team this year.

I guess, yeah.

Yeah.

I heard your horn out there.

What kind of car do you drive?

It's not a car, Dan; it's a truck.

A-ha.

Rosie?

Well, Mark, uh, you got anything you want to ask us?

Look, Mom, we've really got to go.

Well, it's been fun.

Don't be too late.

Hey, Mark, Two plus two?

What?

Yeah, I though so.

Good night, Beck.

Have a good time.

Oh, I hate him.

Hey.

Look at, Dan.

A water bed.

Oh, how '70s.

Hey, this is as close to a pool as we'll ever get.

Belly flop.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah.

How about a couple of margaritas?

No salt.

We're just looking.

I'll be over there.

- Honey, get me up. - Oopsie daisy.

Oh.

Hey, look.

A bed like my mom wanted us to get.

Oh, look at this.

Oh.

That's twice as big as the one we've got.

Let's pretenD we're rich and famous

and we actually have a room big enough for this bed to fit in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we're waking up to the smell of fresh coffee and croissants

that our sexy French maid, Pierre, has made for us.

Hey, remember the first time you told me

you loved me on our little bed?

No.

Neither do I.

But I know I did and I still do.

Boy, are you whipped.

Should I get the hose?

No, but you could dim the lights.

We're reminiscing.

What a nice word for it.

I see you decided on the king size.

No.

We'll take that one over there, the double.

And for the lady?

I'll just go write it up now.

Way to defend my honor there, Dan.

I think it was a shot at me, dear.

Oh.

Good one.

A toast.

A toast.

- To our old bed. - Oh.

OK.

Well, what was once the cradle of our love is now landfill.

That was good.

OK.

I'll stake my beer.

Hey.

Hey.

Isn't that Becky's boyfriend?

What the hell's he doing here?

He looks like he's drinking.

Where the hell are you going? - Say hello.

No.

You'll get mad and you'll try to punch him or something.

Wait. Just hold on.

Uh, hey.

Remember us?

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

And you?

I'm cool.

Well, what are you doing in here?

What, are we going to have another one

of your little chats?

Chat this!

Honey.

Honey, honey, honey.

Uh, we were, uh-- we were just wondering,

how did you get in here?

Through the door.

No.

I mean, you're only 18, right?

Look, man.

I've got a piece of paper here that says I'm 21.

Well, how old are you when you're dating our daughter?

Depends on where we're going.

I'm going to ask you the question again

and I want you to remember that you're

talking to the girl's father.

Give me a break.

You're not going to touch me.

Touch him, Dan.

Touch him.

Touch him!

Rosie.

All right.

Mark, here's the deal.

I don't want you hanging around my daughter anymore.

Oh, you think you can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?

I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Me, too.

Fine.

You know, if Becky wants to see me, she'll see me.

All right?

I want to go over to his house and beat

the hell out of his mother.

DJ: Come on, Darlene!

Come on, Darlene.

DJ: Let me out.

Let me out.

DJ: I won't do it anymore.

I won't do it anymore.

DJ: Please.

Please.

DJ: Mom, is that you?

Darlene, what is that little boy still doing up?

DJ: Mom!

Sorry, Mom.

We were having so much fun I lost track of time.

Nice to see you two kids are getting along so well.

DJ: Dad, is that you?

DJ, I want you to go to bed now.

DJ: But Mom.

Now.

All right.

Let's go, squirt.

Do it again and it's the dryer.

Becky?

Becky, get down here.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, Mom.

I wasn't doing it.

So what did I do this time?

Nothing.

Amazing, isn't it?

- We saw Mark tonight. - Where?

Over at the Lobo, and he was drinking.

This may come as some big shock to you, but he's got a fake ID.

We told him to stay away from you

and we want you to stay away from him.

Now, come kiss Mommy good night.

I can't believe this.

I just can't believe this.

Believe it, Beck.

Why?

I don't go out drinking with him.

And you never will.

How could you guys embarrass me like this?

This is so typical of you guys to butt in where

it's none of your business.

Well, at least we didn't let you down.

You are our business everything that happens--

Hey, you have no right to do this.

Drop the Drop the attitude.

--the greatest guy I ever dated.

And it's so obvious you don't like him

and you're just taking it out on me.

You know, I remember a time when she was so sweet,

so innocent, and so loving.

I remember that, too.

I believe it was a Thursday.

Oh, listen to this one.

I sometimes get tiny red pimples on my buttocks in the summer.

What can I do about them?

That's gross.

I hope you didn't sign your name this time.

I signed your name.

What does it say to do?

Use a healing facial mask.

OK.

I'm going to go pick up that bed before the store closes.

Hey, honey, on your way back, could you [inaudible]

a healing facial mask--

for our butts!

OK.

Mom, I'm not going to be in for dinner.

I'm going over Judy's.

Well, get your dad to give you a ride.

Oh, no.

That's OK.

I can just walk.

OK.

What are you guys going to do?

I don't know, probably just go to the movies or something.

Hey, there's a great idea.

Maybe me and Jackie will go see something.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Well, we don't really know if we're going to movies.

We're just going to decide when we get there.

Well, why don't you call me when

you get over there to Judy's and let

us know one way or the other.

Maybe we'll bring you home.

Fine.

Oh, you know what? I forgot my wallet.

Well, there it is.

She's going to go see Mark.

Oh, yeah.

The old going over to my girlfriend's house routine.

She's probably up there right now working on plan B.

Maybe it's a really dumb story like Judy's parents are

Amish and don't have a phone.

I was only 11.

Mom, me and Judy are just going to be going to a party,

OK? - Oh, OK.

Hey, is Mark going to be at this party?

Mom, you told me never to see him again.

What is that, a yes or no?

No.

Where is the party?

I'm not sure.

I'll just have to call and give you

the number when I get there.

Well, why don't me and Jackie drive you over there?

We're bored.

Well, you know, we may go to this party, we may not.

You know what?

We're probably just going to invite a couple

of girls over to Judy's.

And she goes for the safe.

Oh.

OK. - OK.

Oh, Becky?

Yeah?

Um, Judy's phone number's up there

on the bulletin board, right?

Yeah.

- OK. - OK.

- Have fun. - All right.

Bye. - Bye.

Well, there she goes.

Are you worried?

Of course I'm worried, Jackie.

Should we talk about it?

What's there to talk about?

She's out with some guy we hate going god knows where

and doing god knows what.

Now I feel like Mom must have felt

when she had to sit back and watch you

completely destroy your life.

You having fun there, Dan?

Just breaking her in.

Oh, it's time to call Judy again.

Well, you know, it's been 15 minutes.

Hi, Judy. It's Mrs. Connor again.

Listen, last time I called I forgot to ask Becky something.

Oh, she's in the bathroom again, is she?

Well, is she sick?

Maybe we ought to drop by and pick her up.

Oh, OK. I'll call back later then.

Becky's sick?

No, she's with Mark.

What?

What the hell is she doing with Mark?

We told her she couldn't see him again.

Well, that's how come she lied and said she was at Judy's.

I can't believe you let her go.

I had no choice.

I had to let her go so's I can catch her

We just sit around here while she's out with that punk?

Don't worry.

I call Judy every 15 minutes and then

Judy calls Becky wherever the hell

she is and then Becky calls me.

And the point of that is?

To completely ruin Becky's evening, see?

And to make sure that, you know, she's all right.

[phone ringing]

Hi, Becky.

Yeah.

Listen, you like pork chops, don't you?

OK, then.

Bye.

She's fine.

Yeah.

OK, Judy.

Well, it's been over half an hour.

When you finally do hear from her,

you tell her to get her butt home.

She loves this boy so much, fine.

Let her move out and live with him.

All she's going to do is lie to us anyway.

Forget it, Judy.

You're never leaving this house again.

What are you talking about?

So, how was your evening?

OK, I'm busted.

You know I wasn't at Judy's.

Oh?

I was at Monica's.

And I know how much you guys hate her so I

asked Judy to cover for me.

That's one.

Where were you?

I told you I was at Monica's.

OK, her parents weren't home.

I knew you guys would be mad.

- That's two. - Two what?

Two weeks grounded.

You want to go for three, or do we hear the word Mark?

You lied to us, Becky, and that is never,

ever going to happen again. Do you understand?

Fine.

And you're never seeing Mark again, ever.

All right.

I mean it, Becky.

I know.

And you don't have to worry because thanks to my mother,

who made me call her every 15 minutes,

he's probably never going to want to see me again anyway.

Probably?

And what if he probably does?

I'm never going to see him again.

OK?

Ever.

You put your mom and me through a lot of crap tonight.

I'm sorry.

Can I go now? - Yeah.

Get upstairs.

You did good.

I did, I did.

You knew exactly where she was going to be

and you stayed one step ahead of her all the time.

Was there ever any doubt, Dan?

I'm the best.

Unfortunately, next time I'm going

to have to be even better.

MARK: Come on, Mr. Connor.

Let me out.

Come on, Mr. Connor.

Let me out.

MARK: I promise I won't see Becky again.

I promise I won't see Becky again.

MARK: There's no air in here.

There's no air in here.

MARK: I can't breathe.

Good.

[theme music]

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