Original subtitles

[tone]

[music playing]

[laughter]

[music playing]

Wow.

What a brutal play!

I can't believe that little Venezuelan guy's

still standing.

ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Another left by Perez.

Oh, he's down, ladies and gentlemen!

Arturo Guadalupe is down!

Get up, you wimp.

You're not even bleeding yet.

Geez.

Cheer up, Darling.

Maybe he's dead.

It's over, bag him and tag him.

Mom, will you help me with my hair?

What's wrong with it?

I hate it.

It just lays there and does nothing.

Trying to look all grown up for Robert?

Get human.

I hear he does the nasty with college girls.

Well, I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.

He just dated some senior who takes some college

classes, no a big deal.

No, of course not.

What do you think, Dan, pigtails, ribbons?

Works for me.

Just forget it.

I'll do it myself.

Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, princess.

You're just jealous because I'm anatomically correct.

Yeah, and I bet you just can't wait to show Robert.

You're such a virgin.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You tell him, Dan.

She's pathetic.

I mean, she's never even been kissed.

Right, like I don't have enough spit at my own.

Well, you've been a lovely couple.

Thanks for playing our game.

You'll die without ever getting to first base.

Oh, go suck a tongue.

Darlene, go do the dishes.

Becky, go upstairs and shave something.

And you.

You know they won't always be this cute.

Yeah, I know.

I hear once they hit 30, they start

developing their own little personalities and stuff.

Have you talked to Becky about birth control?

Yeah, I sat her down and I said Becky, don't.

Rosanne.

She doesn't need to hear it.

She's never going to get undressed in front of a guy.

She thinks her butt's too big.

I've been thinking, maybe you should talk to her.

Maybe you should talk to her.

Well, good point, my pet.

All right, so maybe I'll have the talk with her.

Don't make it sound like we're told to go out and have sex.

She doesn't need our permission, Dan.

Yeah, tell or never, never trust guys, because we lie,

big time.

I had this buddy once, very successful with the ladies.

He used to tell him they wouldn't get pregnant if they

jumped up and down afterwards.

Yeah, Phil D'Angelo.

How did you know about that?

You know, I believe I will have that talk with Becky.

I told you about that, right?

Fine, fine.

[music playing]

And a niner for Brian.

And a seven for Chicago Skinny and his faithful sidekick,

Shrimpo.

Hey, I ain't a shrimpo.

She's just trying to rile us, boy.

These dealers is wily.

Hey.

Hit me.

Right, 21 on the nose.

No fair. He can add.

What are you yahoos going to do?

Hit me.

DJ, we've got 17.

You never hit 17, especially when

you're betting five pretzels.

Understand?

Yeah.

Hit me.

Ten and flush.

Too bad, suckers.

There's a town out in the desert with very bright lights

waiting for you, boy.

Too bad Mom's making you go to the movies tonight, Dad.

Yeah, the Bulls game is going to be great.

You should stick around.

Yep.

I'd love to watch the game, but Deborah Winger is coughing

up along at the cineplex.

In Dolby.

Jeez.

How come we can never do anything

fun with Gary and Jackie?

Because their family.

You talked to Becky about the--

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Wow, you look incredible.

Really?

Yes. get in the kitchen.

What do you know about birth control?

Nothing.

I swear, really.

No, this is going to be like that talk, right?

Here.s It's easier squirm if you're sitting down.

Mom, I'm not sleeping with anyone, if that's

what you're worried about.

Oh, I know that, Becky.

Would you be willing to swear on a Bible, you know,

just to make it official?

Mom, I know all about birth control.

So then you know about not getting pregnant by jumping

up and down afterwards?

Hey, Brian, what you say we go out and shoot some hoops

until the game starts.

Can I come?

No.

OK.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, Dan.

So Jacks, you and Rosie pick out another female movie

to torture us with tonight?

Ah, what's wrong, Dan?

Can't handle a little emotion and sensitivity?

Oh, yeah, right?

I love you, but I'm dying.

Oh, no.

You can't die, because I'm dying.

Really?

What's killing you?

A woman's disease.

Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah, like they'd really have the same disease.

Where's Roseanne?

Kitchen, giving Becky the zero population growth speech.

Really?

well, maybe she could use some help.

I mean, I don't want to brag, but when it comes

to birth control, I've tried--

--to read just about every book on the subject.

Hi.

Hi, Jackie.

Beat it.

We're talking.

Oh.

Oh, well, I'm just going to get a glass of water.

You mean I actually have to go in the store

and buy condoms myself?

God, how embarrassing.

Well, you don't have to go in there and buy them.

I mean, you could use the rhythm method.

How

Does it work?

Ask your brother.

Thirsty.

So what about the sponge?

Is that pretty much foolproof?

Well, you know I don't have any statistics

on all this kind of stuff.

But then why not hear it from an expert?

You're on, Professor Jackie.

Well, if you're sure.

I'm not.

All right, now although some of your sponges

can help prevent some disease, they're only about 80%

effective against pregnancy.

So better still is your condom sponge combo.

Used correctly, we're talking Fort Knox security

at a price you can afford.

I'm telling mom.

But doesn't all that stuff like kill the mood?

Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

Oh, that's Robert.

we're through, right?

Well, you tell me.

I got it, Mom.

But I'm still going to do anything.

Well, now that's 100% effective.

Yeah.

Well, Mom could never talk to us about birth control.

She couldn't even talk about sex.

Sex.

she told me it was something people did in Europe.

Well, no, she did try and talk about it once,

though, remember?

But it was so lame.

She said if we let a boy go all the way,

then we would be called loose or slutty or trampy.

Like that was going to stop us.

She should have told us we'd be called, mommy.

Oh, give us a break.

It's probably the first time Jordan's missed

three in a row his whole life.

Yeah, I don't think he snapped his wrist, you know.

Looks like he's pushing the ball.

Yeah, he should be popping it more.

Yeah, so he gets more backspin.

Right.

Time out Bulls, finally.

Oh, great. here come the bimbo cheerleaders.

Maybe he's not getting enough arc on the ball.

I mean what if he bent his knees more?

What do you think, Brian?

Brian?

Yo, Brian.

Huh?

You actually like watching those dancing Potato Heads.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, wow, they're all doing splits.

Did I say potato heads?

I was wrong.

I must have meant geniuses.

So what about the cheerleaders at school?

What about them?

I don't know.

You think they're pretty?

Yeah, some of them.

You won't believe what Vicki Womack said the other day.

She told me I should try out for cheerleader next year.

Ha ha.

Good one.

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm not even close to being pretty enough, right?

Well, you're just not the right type, what's all.

Yeah, well, I think cheerleaders are stupid.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, Brian.

What?

What was that for.

For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.

Oh, well I don't think they're stupid.

I think they're complete idiots.

[music playing]

[music playing]

Becky's in the front room with a boy.

Becky!

Darlene?

Hi, Mommy.

Uh, we'd better go.

Are you out of your mind?

Hey, sports fans.

How was the game?

Yeah, I would like to hear the final score.

Bulls lost, I think.

You guys been wrestling?

What'd she do, Brian?

Pin you down a couple of time?

Brian, it's been fun watching the game with you,

but I think it's time for you to go home now.

Hi, Darlene.

See you at school tomorrow.

OK.

Hey.

come back soon, buddy.

I'll be in my room.

Night, kiddo.

What?

Dan, they were making out.

Did you notice how her blouse was all?

Yeah, like it hadn't been on her back the whole night.

That's great.

That's just great.

Where are you going?

I want to make sure little Brian gets home all right.

Yeah, some big guy in a truck might

accidentally plow him over.

What?

Did you forget your shotgun?

Dan, yelling at that girl is not going to solve a thing.

I just want to explain that when she's under this roof,

she's not to touch boys.

If you do that, you will guarantee

she has a family of four by the time she graduates high school.

Yeah?

Go to your room.

You know, it's really not all that bad.

Not now, Jackie.

All right?

No, I bet I was her age when Doug Brock got to second base

with me.

It was during a football game, ironically enough.

And we were sitting under a big blanket in the end zone.

Honey. Honey!

Buy me a cup of coffee?

I'm helping, Gary.

I'll be at home if you need me, Roseanne.

Take it easy, Dan.

Yeah.

Roseanne, Darlene is 14 years old.

Well, Becky was 14 when she started dating.

Becky is not Darlene.

Right. she's not stupid enough to get

caught groping on her parents' couch.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Darlene is different. She plays sports.

She's tough.

Well, she's got a new sport.

You know, you're just all upset about this because of you

and Darlene being so close.

I'm close with Becky, too.

Well, you never got this upset about Becky

doing the same thing.

Becky's older.

No, it's about the fact that ya'll sit here

and watch games on TV together.

And you work in the yard together.

And then you shoot hoopies out in the driveway.

Hoopies.

I mean, I'm not, you know, excited about it, either.

But it's not like the end of the world.

I mean, face it, honey.

Your son is becoming a woman.

Hi.

Hi.

- How did it go? - Great.

I'm going to go upstairs and jump up and down now.

Goodnight, Becky.

Oh, it's just you.

Huh, sorry.

So how was your date?

Oh, he's a great kisser.

But it's not like you would know the difference.

Did you get felt up?

No.

Ha, I did.

I don't believe you.

It's true me and Brian made out tonight.

And he went up my shirt.

What?

But you guys never even went out.

So? we play basketball almost every day.

Well, it's not the same thing, Darlene.

Anyway, how do you know he's not going to go to school

Monday and tell everybody?

I told him I'd punch his face in.

That could work.

Mom and Dad sort of caught us.

Oh, God, did they freak?

Not yet.

So how was it?

The kissing is pretty good, I guess.

Well, what about the other stuff?

Better than volleyball, and yet not quite as good as

hockey.

Look, Darlene, you can't be doing this, OK?

You got to make guys treat you a certain way.

You got to call the shots.

Make them beg, right?

Basically.

My dainty daughters.

Oh, I am so proud of both of you.

How long have you been spying?

15 years.

I'm getting good at it, huh?

So is it official?

Am I grounded forever?

Why, no, you're not grounded.

We're throwing a special debutante party to celebrate

this special moment.

Your dad's on the phone right now hiring the band.

Oh, great.

Torture me, then ground me.

No, no.

I want you to tell me all about it, lover girl.

No, wait.

I have a better idea.

Don't tell me.

And then I'll be really, really surprised

when I read it in your diary.

You're hysterical.

So you really go for this dating stuff, huh?

Who was dating?

I wanted to see what it was like.

So I kissed him.

And I didn't have to drown my face and mascara,

like some Barbie dolls who shall remain nameless.

So I guess you really showed Becky, huh?

Well, it's not why I did it.

I mean, at first, maybe.

But then that was different.

And then maybe things went a little too far?

Maybe.

you think he'll ever talk to me again?

Well, you did use him like a cheap piece of meat.

Guys love that.

Oh, and what about you and Robert?

Any wedding plans I should know about?

You know, while your father still has

the band on the phone and all.

Oh, right, like I'm going to let him pick the music.

Listen, Girls.

Sex is something that is not even going to be good

until, you know, you're older.

Mother.

No, no.

We've never really talked about sex.

And I think we should have that discussion now.

- All right, go ahead. - Well, OK.

Well, if you were to like you know, do it now,

I mean, sure, you'd have some pleasure.

But it would be like a lot better, you know, if you were--

What you're trying to say is that we're far

too young to go all the way.

Well, both your body and your mind

have to reach a certain sort of maturity.

Yeah.

And you don't regret it later.

And hey, you have to love the guy.

Yeah.

And you know, you would like to make sure that--

That you respect him.

- Or it's meaningless. - Or, you know, or that he--

And that he respects you.

He respects you, right.

Beautiful, beautiful thing.

Right.

Well, then.

Well, I guess I feel really good about our little chat here.

You guys feel good about it?

Oh, absolutely.

Definitely, definitely.

Well.

Well, that's great then.

All right.

That's great.

OK, well, goodnight, girls.

Goodnight, Mom.

I love you, Mom.

I love you.

I love you too.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

How lame!

[music playing]

[applause]

[music playing]

Hi.

come on.

Come on, try to get by me.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Hey, my turn.

Roseanne, I know what this is about.

And I don't need a pep talk.

No, I want to shoot hoopies.

Come on, let's see if you can get behind me.

Get around me.

OK, give me the ball and I'll inbound it to you.

What's in bound?

Another word for sucker.

Did you tell Darlene about the--

I told her to slow down.

That all?

Well, I told them that sex wasn't even going to be that

great till they were like 27.

27?

Well, maybe that's just me.

Well, you were there for me.

That's all that's important.

Well, no matter what I said to them,

I mean that can't compare to what they're

up there saying to each other.

Want to make some popcorn and go up there and listen?

Nah.

You want to watch TV. 's Bonanzas on.

Nah.

I think I'm just going to hang out down here

and try and sink some more, OK?

OK.

[music playing]

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