Original subtitles

[music playing]

[theme music]

[laughing]

[music playing]

Gah!

Dad, you slept late.

Yeah.

Well it's Saturday morning.

Two for two.

You forgot what you were going to do today?

No way.

I'm going to eat a big breakfast,

grab that sports page, and hide in the john until lunch.

You did forget, I can't believe it.

Little help.

[mimics car engine noises]

[mimics crashing]

[mimics sirens]

Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Well, let's go.

Becky, we've got all day.

Dad, that's what you said last week.

But all I did the whole day was hope

you wash your car because, (WITH A DEEP VOICE)

a clean car is an aerodynamic

[laughing] I guess there's no way you're going

to fall for that again, huh?

Dad, I think I'm ready for that next step.

Which would you be turning innocent pedestrians

into street pizza.

Shut up, Darlene.

Dad, come on.

Becky, it's Saturday.

It's the one day of the week when

we can all spend time together.

Boy, it's just a beautiful morning today.

It just makes me want to sing.

Why don't you guys get out of here?

Come on, go.

I have to stay here because I'm going to clean.

But you can get out.

It's beautiful, go.

Unless you want to stay here and help me.

Can't, promised Becky driving lessons.

Well, all right.

Can I get your car keys?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here they are.

Now get out of here.

What, no jokes about how bad a driver I'm going to be?

Didn't darling take care of that?

Yeah, I crushed her.

All right, there you go.

So what's keeping you?

Oh, and Dan, you better take DJ here to his den meeting.

I don't have a den meeting?

Then how come you're wearing your uniform, stupid?

I slept in it, stupid.

Ah, I remember my days as a scout, especially

the wilderness training.

We couldn't find any wilderness, so the scout master dropped us

off in downtown Chicago.

And we had to try to make it back here on our own.

I was one of the lucky ones.

Dan.

Scout's honor.

Becky's waiting for a driving lesson, here.

Yeah, Dad. Can we go?

All right.

Can I get something to eat first?

No, take it you, Dan. Come on.

Am I talking English?

Everybody get out of here.

Take Darlene with you.

Well gee, Mom, I thought I'd hang around so I can

be here when you get the call.

- What call? - Oh, you know.

The one from the Highway Patrol telling you they've

found your husband and most of your daughter.

What is it going to take to get you

guys to get out of the house?

Hi, everybody.

Roseanne, I thought this was going to be your morning alone.

Well, it was supposed to be.

But they just won't go away.

They're like something stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

Like gum?

No, not like gum.

It's like being a spy or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that it?

Yep.

It's the most accurate pregnancy test on the market.

All right, well let's go?

All right, relax will you.

What's the matter?

I mean aside from being nine days late.

Well, you told me to save my first morning's urine, right?

I've been saving it for seven hours.

Are you sure Dan doesn't know?

No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.

How'd you manage that?

I faked PMS.

I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

Hey.

I told Crystal, thought.

You know I had to.

You know how she keeps track of everybody's time of the month

so she can send a card.

Yeah.

So let's go.

All right, what do we got here?

Directions, test kit.

What is this for?

That holds the urine.

No, no, no.

You do it in the lid first, and then you use that dropper.

Well then give me the lid.

No, I gotta wash it out first.

[running water]

Oh, hey.

I got coupons.

You gonna use these?

All right, so [inaudible].

It's clean, it's clean, it's clean.

[knock on the door]

Hi.

Come on in, hurry up.

Are they all still out there?

Well yeah, but I didn't tell them anything.

I just said hi and headed straight in here.

I bet they think we're in here doing

some weird shaving ritual.

I don't know why you just don't tell Dan.

Because there's nothing to tell.

And I mean, if it does come out positive,

I got to think of some way to tell

him so his head don't explode.

Well how'd you tell him about your other kids?

Well, with Becky I said, Dan get a job.

With Darlene I said, Dan get a better job.

And DJ?

Oh, do I have to tell him about DJ?

Come on, Roseanne.

You got to be a little excited about maybe being pregnant.

Yeah.

I can hardly wait to start puking.

Come on, you guys or my water's going to break here.

[knocking on the door]

DAN: Roseanne, what the hell's going on in there?

We're worshipping Satan, honey.

We'll be right out.

DAN: Come on, Roseanne.

All right, come on in.

The kids don't need to hear this.

Ah.

Ah.

I get it.

Dan.

Roseanne, it's OK.

What a person does with her life is her own business.

So what happened, Jackie?

Did you get drunk and forget that there's

like a zillion kinds of birth control out there?

[laughing]

Does Gary know?

No, Dan.

He doesn't.

Gary is a father, right?

If you say so.

Word of advice from a man, OK?

Don't say a word until you do the test.

You don't want to upset the guy if you don't have to.

You know, I was just saying that, like, very same thing.

You know, I was saying that if it does come up positive,

the best way to do it is just short,

sweet, and right to the point.

You know, kind of like, I'm pregnant Dan.

Gary.

Dan.

- Gary. - Dan.

Gary!

Do we have to have this little moment in front of everybody?

No, we can get out of here.

Thank you.

How late?

Nine days.

When did this happen?

What we were having sex.

But we're always careful.

Whoops.

Come on, honey, go. I gotta do this now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I--

So, you guys did it again, huh?

Did what?

They were listening at the door, Dan.

Great.

Like it's not bad enough that we've got this little accident

running around.

Who's an accident?

How can somebody be an accident?

Oh great, ask me.

Thanks Darlene.

I'm stressed out, OK.

Well just once maybe you could think

before you open your big mouth.

ROSEANNE: Would you be quiet?

I'm trying to go.

[shushing]

Shut up.

ROSEANNE: Well, make some noise.

I can't believe you, Darlene.

You are so insensitive.

Yeah?

Well you got a big butt.

Cut it out.

No need for any of this right now.

Your father's right.

And we don't want to upset your mother in her condition.

So it's true?

We don't know yet.

And can we just keep a lid on it?

What?

Come on, Roseanne.

Oh no, no.

That test takes 10 minutes.

So just do what you were doing and try to forget

about it the next 10 minutes.

[ticking clock]

Eight minutes and 16 seconds.

Thank you, DJ.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

But I'm just so excited about this, I could bust in two.

I swear, it's like having a baby of my own.

Well you know, now it's not positive yet.

I know.

But thinking about it gets my biological clock ticking away.

Tick, tick, tick.

Just hope I can do something about it before the battery

goes dead.

Do you want another kid?

Well it does make me a little sad to think of my Lonnie

as an only child.

And I guess I kind of regret not having that little girl

I always dreamed about.

Yeah, me too.

What about you, Jackie?

I bet your little clock's all wound up.

Crystal, I'm a cop.

Cops can get pregnant just like everyone else.

Yeah, but when she wakes up depressed, and bloated,

and hating the whole world, she gets to carry a gun.

Seven minutes and 34 seconds.

[crash]

DJ!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Crystal, maybe we oughtta--

No, you guys hang out.

I gotta-- having trouble with this thing here.

I gotta go out in the garage and get another tool.

Well the toaster's not even broke.

He just doesn't want to talk about any of this.

Well, maybe you ought to go out there after him.

No, let him sit out there and nail

something else for a while.

I think he's pretty sure the test

is going to come out positive.

Well, I don't know why.

I've only been late 3 times in my life.

Here are two of them now.

Mom look, we really got to talk about all this.

Because--

Mom, I've decided it's OK for you

to bring a baby into the house, as long as we can agree

on a couple of conditions.

I can't believe you, Darlene.

I was already talking, now get out of here.

No, I want to hear your conditions.

Oh, that's quite all right.

You can just go right ahead.

Oh, no, no.

Come on, let it rip.

All right, OK.

Now say I brought a puppy into this house.

It would be my puppy.

And I would have to take care of it, right?

Well, I just don't think you're

going to have that much time to take care of a puppy.

What, with all the work you're going to be doing

with the new baby and all.

You don't get this, do you?

Yeah, you do.

I don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean

the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps,

or change it's diapers--

I guess what you're saying here

is that you just feel that three children

are enough for this house.

Well, Yeah.

Yeah.

We're going to miss you, Darlene.

So, what's your beef?

Uh, do you think we can maybe--

Are you getting all this, Crystal?

Your clock still ticking?

Mother, I'm turning 16 this year, right?

Well, I guess that depends on what you're about to say.

Well, so this is a big year for me.

I mean, I was going to maybe get a sweet 16 party.

And if I don't, my friends will.

And hey, Ma, I just can't be wearing

the same clothes every time.

Oh god, no.

What would people say?

Yeah, and Dad was talking about maybe getting some old

beat up car that he could fix up for me.

So?

So?

So none of this is going to happen.

I mean, when DJ was a baby, I was seven years old.

But I still remember this.

It was always, oh, the baby needs this.

And the baby needs that.

And I'm always the one who has to do with things

because I'm the oldest.

And hey, what about college?

Don't you want me to go to college?

No, Becky.

Your father and I want you to work in a bowling alley.

It was kind of our dream.

Well, I guess you'll just never understand how I feel.

Because when you were 16, you had a car.

Yeah, well, maybe that had to do something with the fact

that when I was 16, I also had a job.

Well just forget it.

I mean, I don't even know what you were thinking

when you were making this baby.

I'll tell you what I was thinking.

I was thinking, I wonder if I could get pregnant so I

could louse up Becky's life.

[door slams]

She's a little brat.

I can never [inaudible].

I agree.

Can you believe how selfish she is?

I mean, I am overwhelmed--

Go to your room and live in fear.

And to think I suckled them.

They're just upset, Roseanne.

It's a lot for them handle all at once.

How much longer until this test is over?

DJ: Four minutes and 19 seconds.

I'm going to make coffee.

You know, Roseanne, if you don't want to have this baby,

you could get an abortion.

Some say that's murder, Roseanne.

And some say it's not.

And some say you got a choice.

But we don't even know the results of the test yet,

so we're talking about coffee now.

Roseanne, bedroom.

Ooh, foreplay for a change.

Should have happened, Roseanne.

We took precautions.

Yeah, well they didn't work.

Well, you should have known it was your fertile time.

Well excuse me for ovulating.

I didn't mean that.

Well, you meant something like that, something

like it's my fault. And the whole family is sitting

there thinking it's my fault.

Well, I didn't mean that.

I guess I mean, I'm feeling a little Old for this, you know?

I'm 38.

What, like I'm 25?

We're not yuppies.

I mean, it ain't hip for us to be having babies now.

We had them when we were young and stupid,

like we were supposed to.

I just guess I'm feeling a little weird that we have to go

through this whole thing again.

Jeez, you are just as bad as the kids.

We have to go through this whole thing again?

You know, well maybe if we pull together,

we all can make this pregnancy thing a lot easier on us.

Yeah, like, OK, I'll carry the baby.

But Darlene gets to have the morning sickness.

And Becky can have the backaches.

And I'll save the hemorrhoids for you, Dan.

And then the kid's born, you know,

I'll be in charge of diapering.

But you get up 12 times a night and breastfeed it.

Is that cool?

Yeah, I've always helped, Roseanne.

And I'm going to help this time.

But don't go calling me selfish just because I thought,

finally we'd have some time for ourselves after 16 years.

You've had nine days to get used to this.

I've had 10 minutes.

DJ: Almost Done, Mom, Dad.

One minute and 58 seconds.

Thank you, DJ.

Was I an accident?

No DJ, you were a surprise.

What's the difference?

Well, an accident is something that if you had to do

it over again, you wouldn't.

But a surprise is something that you didn't even know

you wanted till you got it.

Was Darlene an accident?

No, Darlene was a disaster.

Darlene says I'm not going to be the baby anymore,

so nobody's going to pay any attention to me.

Well, I'll tell you what, honey.

How about if we pay lots and lots of attention to you?

I'll be happy if you have a baby.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Finally, I get a chance to kick some butt.

Ah, tradition.

It's a remarkable thing.

[timer dings]

Time, it's time, it's time, it's time!

You know, I might not even be pregnant.

So we might be sitting here yelling for no reason.

No, we're rehearsing for next time.

No, there's not going to be any next time because I'm

just going to go get fixed.

You mean get your tubes tied?

No, I mean get my knees sewn together.

I'm serious.

That's, like an operation.

You'd be in the hospital.

Well you know, Dan, it's just a little bit more

complicated than, say a vasectomy.

Yeah, well, you know what?

You're right.

I could take a half day off of work and drive you down there.

Uh-huh.

So, you want to be alone or--

No, come on in.

All right, what do I do now, Jackie?

Just read the test stick.

Pink is yes and white is no.

Aunt Jackie told me.

I wanna read the stick, I wanna read the stick.

Jeez, DJ.

It's not like licking the spoon.

Mom!

All right, you can.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, though.

Come here.

Me No, I have something to say.

All right, if this test is positive,

I expect all of your support.

I'm not even going to ask you for it.

You're just going to give it.

I know you can do it.

You just pretend like you're some other family.

OK.

Fine.

Yep.

All right, go.

OK.

DJ, tell us what it is.

Pink is yes.

White is no.

- It's white. - No way.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Come on.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I'll talk to you later, sis.

Thanks for coming by.

Yeah, well, that's what I do best.

I'm going to go down to the school and shoot some hoops.

Mm-hmm, OK.

So you'll be here when I get back?

Right.

Uh, I didn't mean the stuff I said before.

You did.

OK, I did.

But, I'm sorry.

OK?

Mmm, OK.

Dan, Becky wants her driving lesson.

Meet me in the car, Beck.

DJ, did you eat your breakfast, yet?

OK.

What would you have named it?

Jack for a boy.

And Priscilla for a girl.

DJ: Mom!

There's a whole new box on the top shelf!

DJ: I can't find it!

Of course not.

Well, you want me to stick around?

You want some company?

Uh, no.

I've got company.

The Kids got your face, Roseanne.

I'm amazed every time I look at him.

Yeah.

None of them look like me.

That won't stand up in court, Dan.

Damn.

I'm gonna go watch TV.

[laughs] I'll clean it up.

Yeah?

All right.

Becky.

You know that thing you were going to do,

that tube-tying thing?

I'm not gonna.

Yeah, OK.

[music playing]

[clock ticking]

[music playing]

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