Original subtitles

Man: do what I say!

Sheriff's department--

Don't you talk back to--What?

She likes it rough.

She likes it rough.

Yeah, yeah. Stay for the show...

You know, there's openings.

And I saw there's openings in Flagstaff, Arizona.

Yeah, I applied.

Did you apply, too?

Yeah, they're not interested.

They're not--Weren't taking-- No.

Oh, so their standards are pretty high. Yeah.

Aah!

Son of a bitch. God damn it.

Huh! [Coughs]

They all have guns!

Woo-Hoo!

Ow!

Push 'em. Push 'em together.

Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

Oh, god!

[Sirens approaching]

[Fires two shots, empty gun clicks]

Uh! Uh!

Boss, boss, you're over the line.

Aah!

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

Don't you judge me.

Dangle: no, we don't judge--

Don't you judge me.

Then don't call us. Then don't call for help.

OK, but I have to. I'm in pain.

Andrew!

I'm in so much pain!

Andrew, if you don't want to be judged,

Don't call the sheriff's department.

OK, look, look, look.

It is not my finest hour.

Are you stuck in--

In or under?

Side or under?

A little bit of all that.

Can I ask you a question man to man?

Mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.

And I don't know her very well.

Are you going in the front or the back?

Because I can't honestly tell right now.

Right now I'm doing the front

Because I already-- I sort of messed up the back already.

[Exhales]

Sort of messed up the back.

Oh, I'm getting judged so completely!

Kids at home, if you're watching, uh, uh,

There's a whole lot of predicaments

In the world you can get out of

With a simple understanding

Of some physics and some chemistry.

So what you're gonna do, wipe.

OK, warm... hot, hot.

Reach around. And you're gonna cup her lady parts.

I'll give her the old reach-Around.

All right? Yeah. Get real, real, real, real super hot.

OK.

And now, I'm gonna come in cold on your manhood.

Right, right. OK.

OK. Ready?

22, 42, 32!

Hut! Hike!

Aah!

Waah!

[Blowing]

Aah!

Oh, aah!

Hang on. I got her. She's giving. She's giving. She's giving.

Oh! Ow!

She just kneed me in the face.

OK, I got her.

She kneed me in the face.

OK, I got her. I got her. OK.

All right. How you feeling? All right?

All right. Well-- Yeah, it's good seeing you guys.

Good seeing you, too, man. Yeah.

You know, you pay good money for a shoelace,

You don't need to throw the whole thing away.

Let me try it.

[Knock knock]

Sorry. Hi. Um, I was just dropping by.

Uh, confessing to a murder.

Uh, basically, there was a, uh, a death.

A man was murdered in Thailand 3 months ago.

It's on the Interpol site.

And I am wracked with guilt, can't sleep.

And I'm here to just confess.

And, you know, put the bracelets on me

Or--You call them bracelets, right?

I was watching some cop show.

Handcuffs. All right.

What did you do?

What did you do again?

Bludgeoned a man to death 3 months ago in Thailand.

It's on the Interpol website.

And these are the war hammers that did it.

And I'm here to confess.

What was your name again?

Last name is Coe. C-O-E.

C-O-E.

And then my first name is Jillet.

Coe?

J-I-L-L-E-T.

There's not an "e" on the end.

And then there's a hyphen.

I wasn't even listening. Sorry.

Hyphen "Ben. Jillet-Ben.

Jillet-Ben.

And then the last name is Coe.

Cindy, could you get me through to...

Thailand.

The country of Thailand.

The department of justice?

We have got a detainee who has confessed...

Jillet-Ben Coe.

To a murder in Thailand.

Mr. Gian Diep?

Yes, sir.

Uh, uh... two deputies to fly him to Thailand?

Uh, yes, sir.

We don't have a plane here at the Reno sh--

We'd fly first-Class to Thailand. Do I--

Do all three of us--

Do I get to go?

Hey. Hey.

I got a problem. OK.

This says it is overnight delivery. Right.

The date it was sent is 3 days ago.

Ah, yeah.

OK. Let me show you something.

Oh, my--

This--This is what happened as a result of your tardiness.

Right there.

Is he--He's dead?

Yup.

Then we'll say, if this were to come on the day

That it was supposed to, who'd be not alive?

You. You wouldn't be alive.

Don't go there. That's none of your business.

So it sounds like thank-You time.

Sounds like thank-You time to me.

Not at all. Not at all. That has nothing to do with anything.

This is about the principle of the matter.

Adolf Hitler.

Familiar with the man?

I am not--Yes, well, yeah.

Everybody is. Everybody knows who Adolf--

Killed 7 million people basically. Mm-Hmm.

I'm sure some of those people would have been murderers.

Ah-- Just statistically.

Sure.

Of course. Well--

Shut up. Yes.

All right. Am I Adolf--

All right. Am I Adolf Hitler in this equation?

Watch what happens.

So now I can say, "oh, you know what?

"A bunch of people didn't get killed because of those murderers.

Adolf Hitler is my hero. That's you.

Yes. That's an upside.

It's called half-Full. It's called half-Full.

You're Adolf Hitler.

OK, actually, I have another package

That's for you from John Q. Public,

And it's supposed to be here today.

So it's in the truck and, uh...

Good.

I'm gonna need you to sign.

Have a seat. OK.

Come on in. We're clear.

Welcome aboard. Clear.

I'll be 3A, which is the window.

Yeah, OK. Just twist. Can you go maybe down underhand there?

Hang on. What? Which way? Which way?

OK, that's good. No, that's good. That's perfect.

OK. How long is this flight?

It's 14 hours.

But regardless, sir, we can't have you in this situation.

It's not safe for either of you.

No. We're first-Class. We are first-Class.

I understand.

Why don't you two switch over here

So that he gets here--

I don't mean to be rude,

But then we're gonna have the same problem where this is not safe for you guys.

Ah, you're already up, sir.

Why don't you head up over here?

Ah-- I would insist, sir. That would be--

3B, 3B.

Do we get charged to change seats?

Is there, like, a $50, like one of them fees that they do?

Of course not. No.

'Cause on greyhound, when you switch seats...

They do charge you there.

They do 35 bucks.

I want to have the aisle seat. Thank you.

Wait. If you can just have a seat, relax.

Oh, stretching my little legs out. I like that.

We'd love to bring you your beverages and get started.

Whoo.

Yes?

Hey.

Hi. How you doing?

Great. Nuts?

Yeah. I'll do that.

Whoa. Ha ha. OK.

Hey, these are warm.

Yes. They're toasted.

On purpose?

Yes. Toasted nuts?

Warm nuts.

Just don't run with it.

My associate, Jones, needs

His nuts warmed, please.

Jones: ha ha!

Oh, you need your nuts warmed? Here. I'll get them...

Absolutely.

[Tires screech]

S?�, we're back

On El Chupacabra because sucking

Con chupito. Chupy, chupy.

?como estas, mi amor?

[Speaking Spanish]

Ah, s?�, ready to suck anything.

And we're here with the Reno sheriff's department.

Trudy: well, we're here from the Reno sheriff's department...

Covered that.

To let everyone know that we are having a Reno family fun day.

Super family fun day!

Whoa! That sound like fun! When is it?

Well, Chupacabra, it's may 5th.

May 5th.

Whoa! Cinco de mayo.

That's the same as may 5th.

Cinco de mayo. Cinco de mayo.

Cinco de mayo.

Same day as may 5th.

OK, we're going to have a party for KPBA as well

On Cinco de mayo. Where's your party?

Oh, well, ours is at the Reno downtown park in the municipal...

The municipal park.

Oh! That's where our party is, too.

??s?�, nuestra fiesta!

You're having a party, too?

Are you guys in the parking lot or in the park?

Ours is in the parking lot.

In the parking lot.

Oh, like homeless people. Ha ha!

We will be inside. What will you have at your party?

Well, we are going to have some homeless people.

We are going to have 3 dragons that skateboard.

We're not gonna have skateboarding dragons,

But we will have an egg toss... and...

And it's hard-Boiled eggs so nothing gets too messy.

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, we are going to shave the police's balls

Until they look like huevos!

Cocorico! Cocorico!

[Sirens]

[Raineesha clicks tongue]

Raineesha: oh, here we go.

Hey! Uh-Uh!

Keep following the cards.

Raineesha: the party is over, all right?

Break it up. Break it up.

We got to take you in.

Aw. Come on, now. No.

You can't be doing this scam on people.

I know what you do. You say, "hey, find the queen.

Find the queen. And then there's no queen, see?

Holy shit. I just found the queen. See?

Yeah, you would have just won $20.

I would have won $20?

OK, but she didn't. So wrap it up.

Yeah, yeah. If you had put money down, you would have won $20.

That's all I'm saying.

Rai, I'm feeling lucky today. No.

No... oh!

Remember, I found cotton balls at the bottom of my grocery bag,

And I hadn't even bought cotton balls.

This is my lucky day, right? No...

Shut up! Here!

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

? fuck you, fuck you ?

? fuck you, suck it ?

One more! Yeah. All right.

Double or nothing. Never, never, never down. Look for the queen.

Look for the queen. Look for the queen...

Where you at, queen? Where she at?

Shh--Shh! I heard her right there.

Sorry.

Squeak! There she was.

Holla back, queen.

Holla!

That's how we do it in Reno, bitch.

You scaring me now.

Crime do not pay. Not today.

That's some kind of con.

No way.

I told you, Rai. I told you!

You should--I might need to borrow a few dollars.

You see that? Because you don't listen.

Hey! Fuck me!

Fuck me!

You don't fuck me like that.

I'll fuck you.

I will fuck you.

Get him, Trudy.

You got it, girl.

Whoa, whoa. I just saw a penny.

Rai, I found a penny.

Dangle: we're at mile marker 61 on route 8.

We got a major collision.

White caucasian-- Male. Sir? Sir?

Sir? Are you OK? Are you OK?

No, I'm not OK.

Could you get me away from this car, please?

OK, yeah. He is not OK.

We need EMT's right away. How long can we expect them?

I've been in a god damn car accident, that's what's wrong.

OK, sir, stay calm.

Sir, the EMTs are about 30 minutes away.

30 minutes away. They'll be right here.

No, you don't understand. I'm not gonna make it that long.

OK, let me tell you something.

I'm a doctor. OK.

OK? And I've got hemostatic pressure in my abdomen, all right?

I'm gonna bleed out--Bleed before they get here.

So I'm gonna have to have you guys operate on me.

Dangle and Rizzo: 1, 2, 3!

Doctor: aah!

Hold on! Wait, wait! Wait!

What's up? OK, what is it?

Here we go.

This is good?

This is the absolute worst possible way that you could be

Carrying me right now.

Just breathe. You're gonna be just fine.

Just breathe. We're gonna do this.

In the backseat of my car,

There's a doctor's bag with my surgical instruments in it.

There's a doctor's bag? What does the bag look like?

It's a fucking doctor's bag.

OK!

Can you describe it more specifically or just is it--

You ever seen "little house on the prairie"?!

Don't worry about it.

You ever seen doc baker on "little house on the prairie"?

You seen a doctor's bag before?

You just keep breathing. I see it!

Hold on. Hold on. Come over here.

"I shaved my balls for this?"

Really?

You know, when I was a kid, we would wear,

I remember, a nice tube top.

I'd get all dressed up in my koolats...

Ho ho ho!

My gauchos, my pumps, a brassiere, a pocketbook.

And I'd shuffle off to school like a lady.

Stop! Turn around.

Ohh! You did this on purpose.

Come here. Huh?!

She gonna take her rubber band to tie up her shirt.

There.

Yes, now you look like you going somewhere in life.

Mm-Hmm. Mm! Work it. Mm!

Ah, ah, ah. Really?

Seriously?

What is this?

Raineesha, what the hell...

This nonsense, this foolishness,

I don't even understand what all this--

Take them damn glasses off. Listen, mama loves you.

All right? And I want the best for you.

All right?

This is some expensive hair.

And you gonna let it swing. You understand me?

Get your ass to class.

And I'm gonna see you after school, all right?

That's right.

That's right!

That's your daughter Danielle.

That girl is cute.

She looks terrific.

You know, you were right about the implants.

They look great on her. Don't they?

Yeah.

Make a 3-Inch incision above my appendix.

Aah! Aah!

Damn it.

I got it, I got it. I got it.

Oh, my god. What does the spleen look like, doc?

Aah! God!

OK, the spleen--

The spleen looks like a piece of uncooked halibut.

"Uncooked halibut"?

What exactly does a halibut look like?

It's a white fish.

It's a white fish... is it a large fish?

No. It's a light white fish.

OK, it's not too heavy.

Oh, god. OK, wait. Hang on. Is that it? Is that it? Right?

No, no! That's my liver.

No, no, no! Put it back. Put it back! Put it back!

[Cell phone rings]

Oh, god. OK.

That's the hospital ringtone.

Who's that?

I need you to answer that.

Where's your phone? Where's your phone?

In my right pocket.

Where's your phone? Where's your phone?

Dr. B. Rosen's phone?

Uh, yeah, he's a little tied up right now.

Oh, god!

Uh, it's an emergency. It's your office.

It's about Deborah, your patient Deborah.

OK, no, it's Deborah.

That's one of my patients.

She's having a baby, OK?

She's into labor.

Oh, my god. OK, Deborah's in labor?

What--What am I supposed to ask?

I'm gonna have to talk her husband

Through the delivery.

OK, OK, we're going to talk her through the delivery. Hang on.

I need him to look at her vagina.

How much is she dilated?

Look at her vagina. How dilated is it?

Is it the size of the top of a soup can?

Is it the size of a top of a soup can?

It's bigger than that.

It's a little bigger than that.

OK. The baby's coming. It's almost there, OK?

Just keep pushing, all right?

Let me know when the shoulders come through the cervix.

OK, have you seen the shoulders? Can you see shoulders yet?

Are the shoulders coming out yet?

You push! Yes, they can see the shoulders!

Keep pushing. Keep pushing. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god! They did it! It's out!

They got it?! It's out!

Listen! Listen!

That's good. OK.

Oh, my god!

That's wonderful!

I need you to-- We're happy you did it.

Dangle and Rizzo: congratulations!

I need you to tie off the umbilical cord.

Rizzo and Dangle: tie off the umbilical cord.

No, no, no!

No, no, no! They tie off the umbilical cord.

Andy needs to tie off the umbilical cord

Of their new infant.

Andy, you need to tie off the umbilical cord.

He doesn't have an umbilical cord. You obviously don't have an...

Then what is this?! Snip it and then clamp it?

Snip and clamp. Snip and clamp.

Got it! Got it! Got it!

Go ahead and clamp it very tight.

You did great, you guys.

Stitch...

You did great, guys.

OK, just apply pressure.

OK. Ohh, OK. OK.

? goody, goody, goody, goody goody bags ?

? I just got a little goody bag ?

Oh! I got socks. What'd you get?

? I'm gonna open it and see what's inside ?

? 'cause I got a goody bag ?

Tissues.

Jones: oh, I don't want-- I don't want--No. How much is that?

It's complimentary.

Complimentary, meaning...

Again, free.

It always means free. Here. Oh!

Could I get a vodka martini, please?

Shaken, not stirred,

A little dirty with two olives.

Put a shot of jage in there.

Oh, OK.

[Bell tolls]

Ah, ah, ah!

That's a Reno no-No.

If you have toddlers in the house, keep your guns up high

And out of reach.

Remember...

If it's got bullets and a trigger,

Keep it up high until they get bigger.

[Bell tolls]

The same with poisons.

And drugs.

If it gets you high or makes you sick,

Throw it up high and put it there quick.

The same with hardcore pornography, like girl on girl

And full penetration fetish magazines.

Put that porn in its proper place.

This has been a message from your Reno sheriff's department.

[Officers and Jillet in high-pitched voices:] ? Caribbean queen ?

? now we're sharin' the same dream ?

? that our hearts may beat as one ?

Excuse me. Hi.

Could you all just please keep it down?

[Softer] ? and no more love on the run ?

? Caribbean queen ?

? now we're sharin' the same dream... ?

I'll go high. You go low.

? and that our heart ?

? may beat as one ?

Yeah, do it.

? now my love... ?

Could you stop singing?

Oh, ha ha!

Mile high club!

Whoo, whoo!

All right. Which one of you masturbated in the bathroom?

Not--Not me. I was cuffed to a lawman.

The mirror is a mess.

Junior: that don't count. That don't count.

That counts. That totally counts.

That don't count.

Yeah, of course it does.

No, that don't count...

Does that count? It counts.

Did you send me a stripper?

You like it?! I don't.

I don't like it.

Oh, my god. I got a good price on that one for you!

Cindy, I'm not-- I'm not into girls.

And it was very uncomfortable for me.

Oh, no. Yes...

Oh, no!

I take care of an elderly woman on Sundays,

And she was over at my house.

Oh, my god. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Oh, she is the best one, though.

She was good.

She is the best one in the whole area.

Yeah, she was good. I'm not sure

How I'm gonna get my carpet completely clean.

Oh! She--Oh!

You know, she has trained many year to do that skill.

Yeah. Oh, she-- She has mastered it completely.

Oh, oh, that's so good. I'm happy.

Yeah, and she stayed a long time.

I think she was waiting for her tip. Did you tip her?

I was supposed to tip her?

Yeah, then that's when they leave, you see.

It was a gift!

Yeah, but still, you know, even if you pay for it,

You should tip...

You still tip on a gift?

And then they leave, yeah.

Oh, now I'm humiliated.

Yeah. Well, here.

Will you send her back to my house this weekend

And tell her I'll give her an extra great tip?

OK.

Just--It's only because--Not because I'm interested,

But just because...

Yeah. It's polite.

You know, because I'm embarrassed.

Yeah, that, too. Yeah.

OK, I'm sorr--I never send girl dancer ever again.

Never. This Saturday...

OK. Again, but never after that.

OK. Oh, one more time...

Yeah.

Only.

You guys did real good today.

Ah, come on.

It was the least we could do.

Yeah. Come on, doc. You did good.

That's right. You did good.

You delivered a baby into the world.

Oh, my god! I forgot. It was a girl!

Hey! Hey! Congratulations.

Yeah, I know it was, all right? I'm a doctor.

I saw the ultrasound, so... heh heh.

Oh...

All right. Of course. Well, that would make sense.

Of course he knew.

Sure. You knew that already. It was exciting for us.

It was exciting. I thought it would be fun to tell you.

Sure, yeah. But I knew it already.

So, listen, if my cell phone turns up, all right,

Would you make sure you send it over to st. Clark's medical center?

You betcha.

Will do. You betcha.

OK, thank you. Excellent.

All right. We will. Godspeed.

I was holding it, and then I...

I saw you with it. And then you put it down...

I--I know.

And, uh... I know.

And my watch is gone. My watch was here.

I know I had my watch.

At some point, we'll go over there, and we'll find them both.

You know, for a guy who's being extradited

For crimes in Thailand...

Mm...

You're pretty fucking weird.

Well, I've never been to Thailand.

Ha ha ha!

This guy, this big old guy got murdered in Thailand.

Someone bludgeoned him.

And I just said, "you know what I'm gonna do?

"I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna confess."

I put my hand up.

And I thought, I'll get a plane ride with drinks and gifts.

I didn't think it was gonna go this far.

And here I--Here we are.

We was having drinks, and he made himself happy in the bathroom,

And all this free stuff.

And look at all these little--

? little tiny soldiers on my armrest ?

It just worked out. Mm.

[Jones laughing]

Thailand!

Jones: we're going to Thailand!

And we're gonna keep that eye on you every minute.

No. You're welcome. Oh, you better.

Look at this.

Thailand!

Officers and Coe: Thailand! Thailand! Thailand! Thailand!

Woman: OK, stop, please. Please. Quiet, OK?

Hi.

We--Hi. You're being ejected...

Huh? Wha...

From the plane, yes.

Jones: you're gonna turn this plane around?

We're already halfway there. Ha ha ha!

We're still on the ground. Okay?

We haven't left the gate.

You've gone through 6 bottles of champagne in 28 minutes.

Ooh. Uh-Oh.

Shit.

Yeah.

Our bad. Our bad.

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

Junior: and the marshal's already out there?

Yes.

Coe: all right. Hang on, hang on. Look.

Junior: well, I will just--

Woman: I'm sorry, everyone.

Coe: I made two puppet friends.

Woman: OK. That's very nice.

Junior: from the plane. Now...

Second woman: please exit quickly and quietly, please.

Jones: I got it. I got it, OK?

Woman: exit. Come with me. Come quietly.

Junior: saving the marshal a little bit of work here.

Coe: all right.

Junior: all right.

Coe: hang on. Let me grab on to the bottom of your coat.

Just--Good-Bye.

Good-Bye.

I'm so sorry, everyone.

We'll be taking off shortly. Thank you for your patience.

Coe: "the Muppet show. Ha ha ha!

Good-Bye.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0