All language subtitles for Reno 911 s05e12 ter.eng

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Death awaits the unwary
newly licensed driver.

Banana berry kiwi
wine cooler-flavored death.

Smell that smell?

Smell of death around you?

Well...[sniffs]

I'm gonna teach you how
to keep your heads together.

I'm gonna teach you how
to be smart.

Aw fuck,
this is chloroform.

Sheriff's department!
Freeze!

Get on the ground!
Freeze!

[machine gun firing]

[screaming]
[gunfire]

Aah!

What? What?
Aah!

All right.

[grunting]
[yelling]

There's a tornado!
No, terry--

All: Hell, no!
We won't blow!

Yeah!

No, no, no!
He's my friend!

Hey.
Hey, good job.

Yaah!

Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.

[gunshot]
aah!

Dangle: Good morning,
everyone.

Morning, Jim.
Good morning.

As you know, we have
a serious problem

With smuggling cell phones
into jail.

I feel like I say it
every day.

Nuts and butts, nuts
and butts, nuts and butts.

What does it mean?

Check under their nuts.

Check up in their butts.

And if you hear
a suspicious ring,

Check again.

Okey-doke.
Last night at midnight

The 6-foot rule
went into effect,

Meaning that any
lap dance that's given,

The recipient of said
lap dance from stripper

Must be 6 feet in distance
between the two of them.

Feet? 6 feet?
Check the law.

You get closer
to the damn women

In the ice capades.
That's crazy.

I--I don't write the laws.
It's not our--

Excuse me, lieutenant.
Can we move on to my news?

Dangle: Raineesha.

Our special guest seated
at the table this morning

Is none other

Than Thaddeus Owens
the third

From Strong Sister magazine!
Ha!

Welcome.
How are you? How are you?

Pleasure, sir.

Because of my ties
to the community-- mm!

And, um--
mm! Yeah!

All of the work--
the wonderful work

That I have done--
uh-huh.

I am the newest...

Williams and johnson:
Strong sister.

I'm sure everyone

Is going to accommodate you

In telling
the wonderful truth

About me.
Jones.

Sure. Um, Kwanzaa
around here is especially

A great time of year.

Oh, boy.
Yeah, we look forward to that.

We all participate.

But thanks
to Raineesha--

We all light the candles.

Oh, the Kwanzaa
candles.

Dangle: We light
all 6 of them.

Weigel: We do the
Kwanzaa dances--

We hit the thing.

We hit the--

Dangle: She--she has
spread her love

Around--around
so many places.

Junior: I would just add
that she's a model

Of professionalism
around the workplace

Whether she's on duty
or with her incredibly well-mannered children

Who also idolize
us law enforcement officers

And what we do
and why.

[rock music blaring]

[yelling]
ask her if she's a student

At the Junior college.

What?

Ask her if she's a student

At the Junior college!

Uh, do you go
to Truckee Meadows community college?

I've heard of that,
but I'm actually

A student of life,
I like to say.

Oh.

No, she don't go
to school.

She just lives here
and does cocaine, I bet.

Ah.
Yeah.

I bet that
he's...

An aquarius.

Uh, she says are you
an aquarius?

I'd have said leo.

I--I'm actually--
I'm a libra,

But I got leo rising.

I could see that.

You study astrology?

No, but if you're
in the strip clubs long enough,

You hear a lot
of that astrology bullshit.

Yeah?
Excuse me.

He is an aquarius.

You were dead on.
Oh, wow.

He's surprised
you were so dead on.

Most people don't
get that right.

What do you do?

Me?
Yeah.

When you're not copping.

Uh, you know.
I just try to get outside a little bit,

Watch some Nascar,
fish maybe.

You fish?
Yeah, I fish, yeah.

I fish, too.

That's pretty much
the only thing

I can do to really
relax, you know.

Well, where do you like
to fish?

I go up to the reservoir.
Truckee reservoir.

I go up there, too.

Where those
weeping willows are.

That's where the fishing
always was the best.

You fish under them trees,
it's perfect.

Hell, I'd go--

Hey, where'd she go?

I think I should definitely
be recognized

By strong sister maga--

Ungh.

Strong sistebecause

I am classy,

Um, I am strong,

I am, um, a black woman,

I am gorg--I mean, gee--

I'm gonna run out of fingers
if I keep counting.

It's just--[giggling]

And I wasn't available,

So they couldn't
ask me.

I'm just kidding.

What drove you
to get into law enforcement

And become a peace officer?

Um, well--um...

There were...

Some men in my life
uh-huh.

That tried
to bring me down.

Ok. Yeah.

They tried to say,
"no...

Raineesha. I won't
pay child support."

Mm-hmm.
They tried to say,

"no. I won't go half
on your cable

And your gas."
ok.

Um, they tried
to say, "no...

I will not buy
you pampers."

To which I said yes
to law enforcement

So I could track
them down

And know
where they were...

See, that is--
at all times.

Johnson:
Your son is dead, and we condole you!

Excuse me, she's not
hard of hearing.

She's profoundly deaf.
Oh.

I'm sorry that
your son is dead,

And I am honored,
though saddened,

To show you
his final will and testament.

Hey.

It's me chris.
Handsome boy.

This is my last will
and testament.

Oh, very handsome boy.

If you're watching this,

It's 'cause I'm dead.

I've been saving my shit.

Ok. Don't even--
in a baggie.

At the funeral,
I want-- don't.

I want you to throw it
at uncle mark.

Ok.

[mother speaking]
she knows why.

I have $35,000, mom.

Mm. Just wait
a second.

Let's see
where this goes.

That I saved from my--

My Internet business where
I would dance for men--

Ah, jeez.
In front of my computer.

Oh,
what do I say?

And over the years,
I made $35,000.

Mm-hmm.
I know, I know.

I know how much
you struggled, mom.

[nervous laughter]
oh, god.

So I want you to put
all that money

In my coffin with me
and bury me

With the money.

'cause that's my fucking
money, mom. Ok.

Chris had an
Internet business...

Where he told jokes

And wrote funny...

Fictional stories.

Junior: The department
of homeland security

Has sent us a sample
of this brand new

State-of-the-art
kevlar.

Uh, what it is,
is a kevlar weave.

It's a, uh,
synthetic microfiber

With a nanodesign that
actually repairs itself

As it becomes ruptured.

Uh, this thing'll
stand up to cop-killer bullets.

Theoretically,
it'll stand up to a sniper shot

At point-blank range.

Is that the new kevlar?
That's the new kevlar.

Can I--
can I try it first?

Well, Junior--
yeah, it's kinda my--

I mean, that's
kind of his deal.

It's kind of his thing.
He tries out the things--

I don't want to be a jerk,
I'd just like to try it.

I really am not being
a jerk. I just was--

No, lieutenant. Why
don't you try it?

Why don't you go out
and test out

The brand new
state-of-the-art kevlar

For the first time?
I don't mind at all.

Ok, cool.
I will, thanks.

That's a regular old
ladies' swimsuit.

Size 2.
And we put it in a pizza box

That we just
found.

Oh. Opa!
Oh, a round-off.

Wow. That's
incredible.

The old kevlar,
you would not

Have that kind
of flexibility.

Opa!
That's amazing.

Unbelievable.

It gives you a lot
of pelvic room.

Yeah.
Oh, fantastic.

Lots of room.

It's pretty intimidating
in a weird way.

Yeah?

Hello, Youtube!

Ho!

See, this is just--
I almost feel...

It's a little mean,
isn't it?

A little bit?

Hey, wait. Don't you
gotfaggot class

About now?
Oh, ok. Well--

Hi. I'm from the Reno
sheriff's department.

Our friends
at the Washoe county animal shelter

Have lots
of furry friends

Who are currently
available for adoption.

This here is Tiger.

Tiger is a 19-year-old
tabby.

That's right.
19 years old.

Tiger won't be
around for long,

So probably best
for a family

With an elderly
grandparent,

Or a child
who is terminally ill.

Maybe you're not sure
if you really want a cat,

And want to try one
on a 3-week trial basis.

Purr-fect.

The shelter guarantees

That Tiger won't be
alive after that period.

So come on down today.

The Washoe county
animal shelter,

Where every day
it's raining cats and dogs.

He just threw up.

To me...

Raineesha is more

Than just a strong
black sister.

Right.

She's a symbol.
A symbol.

I mean, she is like
an icon.

She is like...

I was gonna say
mrs. Butterworth, and I don't mean that.

But what I mean
when I said--

When I was about to say
mrs. Butterworth, was like--

You know, like a black--

A wonderful, powerful
strong black icon.

Mm.
Like Diahann Carroll.

Diahann Carroll would
have been so much better than mrs. Butterworth!

And that's exactly
what--exactly what I meant to say.

Chris: A gun...

Under the floorboards
in my bedroom.

It's a pearl-handled .38

That I got
from a puerto rican kid.

Oh, god.
I sucked his dick for it.

Oh, boy.
What's he saying?

You can do whatever
you want with that.

Tell her
it's a loan.

I suck a lot of--
I sucked worse dicks than his.

His was clean.
Uh.

And mom?

I...Just want you to know...

I'll speak slowly

'cause I know you're
retarded in your ears.

I just want you
to know

I blame you.

Oh, jeez.

Chris says
he loves you.

He just wants you
to remember him

As the loving son
that he was,

Because he sure
appreciated having you as a mother.

[translating] really?
That's what he said?

Because in life,
he was such an asshole.

Sheriff's department!

Man, I love the smell
of this place.

Really?
Yeah.

Sheriff's department.

What now?
Carla...

Uh, serious news. No joke.
This is not a joke.

Pff.

Don't pff me!
Don't pff me!

Don't fuck me!
I didn't say "fuck", I said "pf!

Don't fuck me.

He's not saying fuck,
he's saying "pff!"

I did not
appreciate it.

"pff!" I don't
appreciate that.

We're here on duty.
We don't like being "pff!"

The county cartographer
has re-drawn the line

Between Washoe
and Storey county.

So?
So--

It dissects your
establishment.

The middle
of your brothel!

You built your place
on a county line--

What--?
Prostitution legal.

Over here.

Prostitution illegal
over here.

If I am here,
yes?

I'm paying, ok?

Is that how
you do that?

Perfectly legal!
You started it!

This is legal.
If I'm here--

Who fucks people
like that?

He does!
Don't judge me!

Don't tell me
how to fuck people.

Maybe I do!
Oh, my god.

What, is he
in the seventh grade?

You're in storey
county. Yes?

Am I paying you?

To fuck me
in the ass? Yes.

Let me think about that.

No. I don't enjoy
that kind of thing.

Shut up! If you're
getting paid

To get fucked
in the ass

You push me
one more fucking time--

I'll push you
any time I want to!

I got her.
I got her.

You're like
a little baby.

You couldn't
even reach--ow!

Fuck!

Can I fuck him
in the ass there?

On this side, yes.
Ok.

You know what you do?
You just jump.

They'll come
right back out.

Oh. Son of a bitch.
Wow.

Grandma
taught me that.

Really?

I'll tell you what.

I'm all for
the 6-foot rule.

I think it's--
I think it's safe.

I think it frees
everybody up

To know what
the rules are

So they can
have fun. You know? Mm-hmm.

Uh, and I actually put

In the suggestion box

Here at the station
that, uh,

That we might want
to incorporate the 6-foot rule

At certain times
with certain deputies.

Uh...

I was tell--
the problem is

The cars would have
to be a lot bigger.

It's a local ordinance
that states

That any lap dance
has to be

At least 6 feet away.

And the fine is $85.

And I'll be paying that
right now.

And there's a little bit
there for you.

Oh! Right.

Heh. Rough.

Heh heh. Get it.
Get it!

Yeah! Oh!

Whoa!
That's illegal, too.

I'll pay some more.

She's taught me
as a police officer

Much like
Rosa Parks taught me

As a little boy.

That black women belong
in the front seat

Of the squad car...
Mm-hmm.

And not always
in the back seat of the squad car.

I call her my own
little Rosa Parks.

[with Spanish accent]
Rosa, I call her. Rosa.

Just like that brave
little latina woman

Who wouldn't sit down
on the bus.

Uh, she was actually
african-american.

Mm-mm!

Like the great
Rosa Parks.

Uh-huh.

She will not just do

What the white man says.

Even sometimes if it's
a direct order.

Check, check.
Mic check, mic check.

This is Trudy Wiegel here.
I'm undercover

At the beaver trap
strip club.

I'm gonna see if I can
lure a gentleman

Into touching me,

And then we'll bring him
into the slammer.

Well, well, well.
Hi!

Uh, hi.

My name's Trixie.

The "x" is for
rrahrr!

[growling and hissing]

That's ok. I'm, uh...

I really am waiting
for someone else.

You know what?
All the other girls are 25 bucks.

I'm a buck fifty.

Ok, buddy.
Here comes your song.

Now, you only get one,

So I hope you get
a boner.

Um...Heh.

Is this something?

[sighs]
ow.

Ooh, juicy. Check
out my juicy rear.

Hold on a sec--
stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Time out! Time out!
Time out! Time out!

Would you stop for a second?
Just stop, stop, stop!

[growling]
stop. Honey, honey!

Come on, sweetie.
Let's make like we're at a petting zoo.

Start petting.

Ooh!
Oh, god!

D.J.: Trixie,
make your way to the stage.

Oh, god.

Trixie.

Are you Trixie?
Yeah.

Trixie, you're
supposed to be up on the main stage.

That's why I was
saying--I was going,

"Trixie, main stage.

"Trixie, main stage."
that's you. Yeah.

You're supposed
to get up there

And shake your poon.
I'm supposed to dance?

Yeah!
Oh, god.

[rock music blaring]

[crash]

She's new.

Are--are we jealous
that we're not being profiled

For magazines? No.

Not at all.

I've sent so many letters
to penthouse

That I'm getting
a little bitter.

They could publish one.

Never published any, huh?
Not one.

What subject matter
do you cover?

Uh, "never thought
it would happen to me,

"but I got done
by 3 teenage girls at once

"in a laundromat".

See, but that's
been covered.

It's been done
to death. Three?

Yeah. It's been
done to death.

You gotta think
of something new.

Boat--boathouse?

Boathouse orgy.
Boathouse orgy.

"I never thought
I'd have a boathouse orgy."

You just gotta--
don't have a pen.

Boathouse orgy.
Never thought I'd have--ok.

Yeah, I think that, uh,
Raineesha

Should be very proud
of her accomplishments

As a strong black woman.

But I'm not
real sure what those accomplishments are.

Not real sure
what they are.

She is a...

True credit
to her race.

She is a...

Shining beacon,

An exemplary example
of...

Nubian queendom.

She is a, um...

Dude,
I can't do this.

I'm gonna break it
down for you, ok? Sure.

Raineesha is
a absolutely horrible,

Horrible officer.

She would--
she would be what I would consider

An Afri- can't
American.

We're talking
about the same officer?

We're talking about
Raineesha williams?

Yeah. Her real name's
Megan Linderman.

Excuse me?
Yeah.

We don't even put
bullets in her gun.

Are you serious?
Oh, yeah.

But everyone else on--
everyone is telling me

How she's such a beacon,
how she's such a light.

[sighs]
someone told me she's like Rosa Parks

Up around here.

I don't think
she can read.

Uh...
Horrible news.

Um...

Strong Sister magazine
has come out.

It's one of those.

"Rai-Rai,

"36, 26, 54".

That's all the text
they used.

Junior: This is how she's going
to be represented.

Kimball: She's gonna
be crushed.

Williams: Hey!

Bam! Aah!

Ha!

Oh! What? Oh!

A-ha!
Strong sister magazine!

That's me! That's me!
That's me!

We got it.
Yup.

Oh, you got it!
Y'all was gonna surprise me?

All: Surprise! Yeah.

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Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You ok?
Uh-oh.

Mm.
Rai?

What's wrong?
What's wrong?

It's hitting
you.

It's ok.
It is embarrassing.

Here it is.
Here we go. Let it go.

Mm-hmm.

When I think about...

The number of men
in prison

That's gonna jack off
to me?!

Ooh! It's making
my eyes water.

I am just gettin'--ooh!

Ha ha ha!

Aim high.

Hey, Rochelle.
Hi, Chris.

How you feeling today?
I'm dying.

Right. Ok.
But, um--

The only part of me
that still works is my dick.

It's really hard
right now.

All right. Um, so,
are you comfortable?

I'm comfortable,
but I've got

The worst case
of blue balls.

All right.
'cause I'm dying.

Sometimes veterinarians
jerk off dogs and cats

If they're in pain.

Even if they're
not dying.

I--I've never heard
of that. Yeah, they do.

So, I don't know
if you want

To treat me worse
than a dog or a cat.

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