Original subtitles

What time is it?

- Three-thirty. - A.m. or b.m.?

B.m.

You know, I don't know why they call it b.m.

I mean, why don't they call it p.m. for "postmeridian"?

God, sometimes I feel like I am the last bastion...

...of good sense on this forsaken outpost of humanity.

By the way, are my shoes on the right feet?

- No. - Oh, so that's why they hurt.

- Where's Mom? - She's out with Seven.

He sneezed, Mom panicked and she took him to the doctor.

Doctor? She never took us to the doctor.

I had a 109-degree temperature and all she did was bleach my hair.

It's because her Mom always told her, "Bleach a cold, raise a beaver."

Gee, I thought it was, "Feed a pimple, raise a troll."

My little sweetness.

Look, honey, it's Al's children.

Hi, Mom. Everything go all right?

Oh, God, what an ordeal.

I took Seven to a dozen specialists.

They all agreed he just sneezed.

You can't put a price on that kind of news.

Of course, those doctors sure did, but I guess I just overreacted.

I won't make that mistake again.

Get out of my house.

Get out of here before you infect this child.

Mom, it was just a feather on the end of my nose.

Well, that's what they said when the Black Plague started.

Now, I'll have none of that here. Just wait outside till it passes.

Gee, Bud, sometimes life's a girl, huh?

And I want you out too.

- Why me? - You were talking to Bud.

You might have been infected.

Mom. It's freezing out there.

Gee, then I better shut the door.

Oh, hi, Buck. We're home.

Now you can play with Seven.

Oh, my God, I'd better sneeze.

I can just feel the mommy in me.

- You'll talk to Mom about letting us in? - Yeah, sure.

Hi, Daddy. I had a question, but Mommy said to ask you.

Where do babies come from?

Well, generally speaking, a six-pack and two horny teenagers.

He's only kidding.

He really has no idea.

Now, go play with Daddy's pennies, but don't lose any.

- They're for our retirement. - Okay.

Daddy, what's retirement?

It's what men do when they die and women do when they marry.

Oh, honey, feeling a little glum?

Well, this will cheer you up.

You know you're always saying that if I want money I should get it myself?

Well, today I needed money to pay Seven's doctor bills.

Get ready to be proud of me.

All by myself, I took cash that was sitting doing nothing...

...out of that pretty red envelope.

You mean, the one in the mailbox...

...that was addressed to our mortgage company, Eviction Trust?

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

When I open envelopes not addressed to me, I just take the money.

But I never read them.

I feel that would be an invasion of privacy.

And yet you have no problem living in my bedroom.

Peg, don't you see, the envelope was a pretty red one...

...because the bank is a little mad at us because we haven't paid in months.

But on the good side, we'll be moving to a roomier space now.

It goes by the name "outside."

Are we ever gonna be let back in the house?

No, kids. None of us are.

For, you see, Mommy spent all of our mortgage money.

Well, Al, you'll just have to do something.

All right. I will.

I want my mommy!

I don't want no excuses. I want that 5 bucks you owe me.

I don't care. I'll see you in prison, Mom.

Deadbeat.

Gotta get a second job. I gotta get something to pay for all this.

All right, here we go.

Hey, Al. Came over to borrow some ice, but I'll just chip it off your kids.

The want ads. Husband's second worst fear.

The first of course is hearing, "Oh, God!

What am I supposed to do with that? It scares me."

But you get over that fear after a thousand women have said it.

- Jefferson, let me ask you something. - What?

How does Marcie let you get away with not working?

Well, Al, I'll tell you. Whenever the subject comes up...

...I just give her a ride on the old Jefferson Airplane.

Yep. Yep.

- Help us. - I can't. I'm a Republican.

Well, hey, here's my little frequent flier now.

Jefferson, where have you been?

You know what a difficult day I was going to have...

...and all I asked was for you to fix me a bath and some supper...

...and serve it to me in your bicycle shorts.

- But you did absolutely nothing. - Nothing?

Do you think that my skin is naturally this smooth?

It takes work, baby.

Hey, that is pretty smooth.

Hey, you wanna tell Peg what you're using here?

Oh, this is intoxicating.

- Thanks, Al. - Well, thank you.

Oh, please. Now, listen, missy.

I am through paying for your fanny buffs.

Do you mind getting your hands off my husband.

And you. It's time you got your little apple butt in gear and got a job.

Well, why don't we talk about this at home, Marcie.

Hearken. I think I hear your flight boarding right now.

We'll have you strapped in in a minute, baby.

Oh, well, all right.

But we are gonna talk about this job thing.

Oh, yeah. Feel this, Marcie.

Oh, my goodness.

What was I saying?

Well, it couldn't have been important.

Listen, I'm gonna go home and get ready for takeoff.

Get a wax, baby.

You never look back.

All right, let's see here.

"No education, no experience and no drive necessary."

Now, what kind of stupid job could that...

Oh, yeah, a shoe salesman.

Hey, here's one: "Bartender in a topless bar."

Well, I think I could handle that.

All it takes is a little maturity, and as we know, I am a mature man.

I'm gonna see boobies.

Hi. You the boss?

Yeah.

What can I do for you, sweet cheeks?

Well, for one thing, you can look at my face when you're talking to me.

And for another, I'm here for the bartending job.

You'll do.

You'll do just fine.

Hot doggy!

When do all the topless babes get here?

Oh, my God, it's not you, is it?

No, it's not me.

It's you.

Hey, bartender, let's hurry up with those drinks!

He's shy.

Let's see it, baby. Honk, honk.

Well, if you've got it, trot it.

What's your temperature?

This long.

Kel, that's not how you do it. It's not how long it is.

Yeah, right.

Or how smart it is.

Let's see what the thermometer says.

Kelly, this is a meat thermometer.

Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm not a fish.

You don't look so good. You're not gonna pass out, are you?

No.

Mom, I think Kelly passed out from her fever.

Oh, my.

Well, after I feed Seven, I'll bleach her hair.

How does it feel, Peg?

To get for free what every other woman in Chicago has to pay for.

Go ahead, touch it, Peg.

Touch the tush that set Chicago afire.

Well, if you don't mind.

And now on to you, honey.

Tell me, is that money in your pants or are you...?

Well, let's face it.

It could only be money.

Yep. There's another kind of green in my underwear now, Peg.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, my God, Al.

After all these years of experimenting...

...you've finally found something to do with your pelvic area.

Wait, Peg, there's more.

Oh, Al, you've been saying that for years.

I think it's time we just dropped the senseless charade.

- But it's fine, honey. Really it is. - It's better than fine, Peg.

It gives change.

Peg. Yeah, I feel good. Yeah, I do.

I quit my shoe job, Peg.

No time for it, really.

Don't regret the shoe business.

'Twas a pleasant little interlude until I found my true calling:

Shakin' Al Junior and the...

...Pips.

You know, Al, I'm not sure, but I think I might have just had one.

Hey.

Mary.

Doris.

Beth.

Al, these are other women's phone numbers.

I don't know if I like this.

Do I see the redheaded monster of jealousy?

Well, I don't know.

Should I be jealous?

Well...

...yes.

I mean, look what they're all seeing, Peg.

The same thing God saw when he said, "Let there be man."

But, Peg, as ugly as these women are, I still come home to you.

I don't know, honey.

I love this money, and I know those women are ugly...

...but, you know, the truth is, I'm not a very good wife.

I don't do anything for you.

I mean, what if these other women finally started paying attention to you?

It's a long shot, but I can't take that chance.

I want you to quit.

Oh, Peg. It's hard to tell these to quit.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

I just had a Village People flashback.

People pay to see me like this.

Oh, okay, so will I.

Here's a dollar.

Sing "YMCA."

No, wait, here's $2.

Put a shirt on. I can't stand to see you topless.

Well, at least people know when I'm topless.

My back has bigger breasts than you.

No, your front has bigger breasts than me.

You leave my Alsy alone.

He has to dress like this for his second job.

Second job?

Jefferson, don't you think it's time you got a first job?

Okay, Marcie, come on. Let's go do the "Oh, Jefferson."

Fine. Oh, Jefferson, get a job.

You may be cuter than I am...

...but it's time you started pulling your own weight around here.

I mean, if I wanted peanuts, I'd fly Delta.

Look, Al, you gotta help me.

Well, all right, all right.

When you're with Marcie, shut your eyes real tight...

...and picture one of the Golden Girls.

That ought to be a step up from reality.

Thanks, Al. I'll do that. But I'm talking about this work thing.

I mean, I'd die. I'd just die...

...if I had to give up my prime 2 P.M. manicure appointment.

If I miss even one...

...I just know some damn woman's gonna scarf it up.

So you're the bitch with 2:00.

You know, I've been wondering who that blond was...

...Eduardo is so in love with.

Dad, now that you've discussed Mom and our stupid neighbor's problems...

...think you could pull a dollar out so we could have some aspirin?

Son, are you here?

Jefferson...

...I might be able to find you something and at night.

- Yeah? - Peg. You gotta feel this.

Well, of course it's soft, Al. He's Eduardo's pet.

Well, I'm just trying to tell you that it's enchanting.

Gee, Al, you sure know how to make a man feel good.

Well, it's easy when I'm around you.

- Hey, the Bears are playing tonight. - Yeah, that football. What a game, huh?

- Anyway. - Yeah?

You stick with me tonight...

...and you'll see the Dalai Lama of guy do his thing.

Oh, hey. Remember, ladies, I do weddings and bar mitzvahs.

- Yes, ma'am. - Could you give this to the cute one?

Why, if you were a woman, I'd...

Did you get any more phone numbers, Mr. Casanova Bundy?

Well, Peg, I was thinking about what you were saying...

...you know about being jealous and all and...

So for you...

...I gave up my topless career.

And wrote "go home" on my chest.

You got fired, huh?

Yes, I did.

Jefferson took all my women, and now there's nothing in my pants.

You have no money, and you want me to console you?

God, what a woman you are.

Well, Al, I have some good news and some bad news.

It's not a good time now, Peg.

I understand.

Anyhow, Seven coughed, so I took him to several doctors.

Specialists, actually.

The good news is he's fine.

But the bad news is those specialists were very expensive.

But don't worry, honey, I took care of it myself.

I just took money out of that envelope...

...that you were gonna use for your car insurance.

Damn Dodge.

Gee, honey, that might have been your Dodge.

Well, maybe I can get my old job back.

Unbelievably enough, the position has not been filled.

Oh, my God, I'm a shoe salesman again.

Oh, Al.

Well, honey, if it's any comfort at all...

...no matter how bad it gets, at least you won't be alone.