Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I swear she's older than my mom.

Fucking kill me if I'm still doing this at her age.

Kill you now if you ask me nicely.

You know we're not allowed to eat or drink in here.

- Yeah. - Oh, fuck off.

What did you say?

Uh, I believe I said, "Oh, fuck off."

Pack up.

I'm almost finished

- with this document. - Now.

Ugh.

Psst-psst.

Come on.

Since when did you get picky?

Hmm?

Hey, taxi!

Oh, thank you.

But then there was nobody left,

and I was standing by myself.

And how long until your next book will come out?

Good question. Uh...

Well, this is a surprise.

You invited me, did you not?

You didn't reply.

Coat check?

At my party, we just threw the coats on the bed.

Good to see you, too, Lee.

You never called me back, and I...

I have new ideas.

Is this why you came?

- Yeah. - Well, I'm glad you're here.

Try to have a good time.

I like interviews. Don't get me wrong.

I just wish that you could get it all done at once.

Did you read it? It was...

I haven't missed a day of writing

for the past 25 years.

And do you ever have trouble beginning?

I don't subscribe to the notion of writer's block.

You never experience it?

Writer's block is a term

invented by the writing community

to justify their laziness.

My success is nothing more than

that I have the determination and stamina

to sit and get the work done.

- It's simple. - Jackass.

I mean, I find his distaste

for linear plot structure downright macabre.

Well, that was quick. Did you get properly fed?

This week, will you return my call?

Sure. We'll see.

I'm working on a lot of fascinating projects.

I just need my agent to call me back.

I don't think the world is waiting

for another Fanny Brice biography, Lee.

And we may disagree

on what is considered fascinating.

Good night.

Why do you have mostly-used toilet paper rolls

in the cabinet in your bathroom?

So that the guests can have a full roll.

Well, that's batshit, Marjorie.

I lost my ticket, but that's my coat over there.

There on the end.

Have a good night, ma'am.

You'll be a very rich man.

We'll talk about it in a few years.

I want to talk about it now!

There are lots of things to consider.

After all, they are first cousins.

Well, that's not unusual, our grandmother

and grandfather were first cousins.

Yes, and look at us.

Here, Jersey girl.

I brought your favorite. I brought you shrimpy.

Hmm? Come on. It's your favorite.

Very well. I assure yo, Oscar, I will think about it..

So, you still have a balance, Miss Israel.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.

But she's really sick and she's very old.

I'm sorry, but the doctor told me that

I need to have at least half the balance

before I do any tests.

Didn't you people take a Hippocratic oath?

You owe us $82.

God. Wow.

You know, if she did come out here, she'd see this.

All right, I have $14.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

No, we need half the balance.

God...

Asshole.

Okay. Just these.

Come on, man. I schlepped these all the way here.

I'll give you two dollars.

I don't want the others.

I don't even need that much.

I just don't want to carry them around anymore.

I got a sick cat, and I...

I told you I don't want the others.

There's people waiting.

You know, you don't have to be so disrespectful.

Okay? You have actually carried my books here.

And you are?

I'm Lee Israel.

Oh, Miss Israel. We have copies

of your latest work right over there.

You're a rude little ape.

Okay, get your garbage

- off my counter. - No!

- Miss Israel? - Hi, Andrei.

It's been three months.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm working on it.

I don't want to call the management.

Can you just cut me a little slack? I'm...

going through a rough patch, and I just lost my job.

I think it was ageism.

You've been here longer than I have,

and you've been kind to my mother.

- Just get it to me soon. - I will.

Absolutely. Thank you.

Uh, hey, in the meantime,

do you think you could send an exterminator

up to my apartment?

I have an untenable fly situation.

Good afternoon, darling.

Hey, Jack Handsome.

Can I have a beer, pretty please?

I don't know. Can you?

Lee Israel?

It's Jack Hock.

Last time I saw you... Thank you.

We were both pleasantly pissed

at some horrible book party.

Am I right?

It's slowly flooding back to me.

Hey, what can I get you?

You're friends with, um, Julia some...

- Steinberg! - Yeah.

She's not an agent anymore. She died.

She did? Jesus, that's young.

Maybe she didn't die.

Maybe she just moved back to the suburbs.

I always confuse those two.

No, that's right.

She got married and had twins.

Better to have died.

Indeed.

I've just come from having my teeth bleached.

How do they look?

Why would you do that?

Oh, teeth are a dead giveaway.

- Okay. - Can I buy you a drink?

Even though you're the posh writer?

- Thank you. - Craigy?

- Yeah? - Top her up.

You know, I keep trying to remember

that party that you mentioned.

And something keeps flashing in my head.

I know something happened,

but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

Bad shrimp?

- Here you go. - Jack Hock, you said, huh?

That's me. The renegade, the rebel.

Jack Hock, big cock.

I'm sure it'll come back to me.

How's old life been treating you?

I can honestly boast

that I'm banned from Crosby Street Booksellers.

I'm banned from Duane Reade.

All of them.

I have a little shoplifting problem.

Well, it's all in the past, but, uh,

but for some reason, I have a very memorable mug.

And now I have to take a bus

just to buy shampoo and aspirin and stuff.

I'm joking. Duane Reade's not the only rodeo in town.

You pissed in a closet.

- I did what? - You pissed in a closet.

Now I remember.

Nobody could stop talking

about the handsome English gentleman...

Why, thank you.

...who was so shit-faced

he mistook the coat closet for the can.

You ruined thousands of dollars' worth of furs.

Well, I...

Those old biddies didn't know what hit 'em.

Oh, their disgusting furs covered in piss.

Dogs followed them home.

I'm glad somebody found it amusing.

Some folks stopped talking to me after that night.

- Well, fuck 'em. - Cheers.

So, do you work, Jack Hock?

Oh, this and that.

Mostly that.

I happen to have some very nice cocaine,

if you're interested.

No, I'm not.

Oh, Jesus, it's not like I have it all the time.

Boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do.

Anyways, who are you to judge?

It's four in the afternoon, and you're drunk.

- I'm hardly drunk. - Mmm?

It's not "anyways," it's "anyway."

Anyways, let's keep drinking.

The day is young.

Hey!

You getting off at the next stop?

79th. And you?

Yeah, I'll get out there.

Works for me.

I think I saw you at Zabar's once.

You were shouting at someone.

They have terrible customer service.

I shopped there for years.

They've really great bread.

Oh, it's delicious.

- It's really good. - So good.

Oh, my. That's the guy.

Who?

That's the asshole from Crosby Street Bookseller.

No.

- What are the odds of that? - Oh, I love the way you smell.

Pen and paper. Quick, quick, quick.

Why?

- Come on. - I've got... Hang on. I...

- Got it! - Shh!

This is me.

Nice place.

Used to be a lot nicer. How about you?

Couple of blocks along.

Well...

Jack, this was not unpleasant.

See you tomorrow?

You shall.

"Lee, today was to have been

"the Esquire shoot with Spenc.

"Difficult days, these.

"Thank you for your sympathy and understanding.

"Ever yours, Kate.

"P.S. Forgive the splotches. All tears lately."

What a lovely apology.

This is very special. Why would you part with it?

Clutter.

You know, I'm not a very sentimental gal.

Handwritten even.

You're the Lee Israel?

Jesus, is there another one?

I've read your biographies.

- Have you? - You're a wonderful writer.

Thank you.

You might want to remind my publisher.

Well, her letters usually have

the intimacy of a phone book,

but this one is really nice.

How does $175 sound?

Sounds terrific.

I rang you. You didn't ring me back.

- Should I take it personally? - Well, why wouldn't you?

I'd never get out of bed.

Then luckily for me, you did.

I'm coming over to join you.

I'm not good at reading social cues.

Uh, scotch and soda, Craig,

- and I'll buy his next one. - You got it.

Mmm, things are looking up.

Aren't you writing a new book?

About Fanny Brice.

Who?

Fanny Brice.

Just the greatest vaudeville comedian of her time.

You sure you're a fag?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Just recently found out that my cousin, Sidney,

was in possession of this delightful bonne bouche.

And I just thought that you might be interested in it.

Fanny Brice. One of my favorites.

I'm writing a new biography about her.

Well, what a funny coincidence then,

that your cousin had this.

Didn't she say, "Wrong is for other people"? I love that.

She did say that.

So, what do you think?

I believe I can sell this.

I could give you $75.

Oh. Uh...

I could give more for better content.

It's a bit bland is all.

True.

Um, well, do you think you could pay in cash?

Oh. Let me see if I have enough.

I'm glad to hear you're writing another book.

I'll be the first to buy it.

Did you hear Tom Clancy is getting paid

three million dollars

to write more right-wing macho bullshit?

Are you kidding me?

That blowhard's getting three million dollars?

Oh, to be a white male

that doesn't even know he's full of crap, right?

I've tried to write a little. Short stories.

I know better than to presume they're any good.

Oh, I can't believe I just admitted that.

I'm sure they're terrible.

They might be.

Or they might not be.

You know, I could take a look.

Really?

I'll be honest.

Unfortunately, I believe you.

$75.

- Ms. Israel! - I hear they got Tom Clancy

three million dollars

to write some more red-baiting propaganda.

Lee, my morning has been long enough already.

He's a fraud.

What's your point?

He was drinking sherry at your party.

No self-respecting writer would drink sherry.

Oh, Lord, Lee.

I need you to get me a book advance

on my Fanny Brice book.

I need you to get ten thousand dollars.

I'm months behind in my rent, and my cat is sick.

And isn't this the exact reason that I have an agent?

I can't get you an advance like that, Lee. I just can't.

Give me one reason why that cocky shit

gets three million dollars...

and you can't get me ten thousand?

Are you that bad of an agent?

Toni, could you please close the door?

Ms. Israel and I have some sensitive business to discuss.

Yeah, God forbid you have to hear

an adult conversation, Toni!

I'll give you three reasons.

Number one, Tom Clancy is famous.

Here we go!

Yes, you have written a couple of successful biographies

and you've managed to disappear

behind your subject matter,

but because of that, nobody knows who you are!

Because I'm doing my job.

Number two, Tom Clancy does every radio show.

He does Larry King. He goes to every book signing.

He plays the game.

Meanwhile, you have destroyed

every bridge I have built for you.

See, that is beside the point. I am doing good writing!

Number three. Nobody wants a book about Fanny Brice.

There is nothing new or sexy about Fanny Brice.

I couldn't get you a $10 advance

for a book about Fanny Brice.

I had a book on the New York Times bestseller list.

That has to count for something.

Lee, I have known you a long time,

and believe me, it hurts to say this to you.

Tell me what to do then, Marjorie.

I have to do something.

I'll take anything.

Magazine pieces, cracker box copy.

Okay. Okay. You have two options.

You either become a nicer person,

you put on a clean shirt, you stop drinking,

you say "please" and "thank you."

Oh, God. Give me a fucking break, please.

Well, clearly that's not going to happen.

Or you can take the time to go out

and make a name for yourself.

And then maybe, maybe,

I can get you paid for your work again.

And how is it that I'm supposed to do that, Marjorie?

I'm a 51-year-old woman

who likes cats better than people.

Not exactly hot and sexy, as you like to say.

Write your book in your own voice.

Well, you've been threatening to do it for 10 years.

I'd love to, Marjorie.

Except that I have bills to pay.

And not everybody has an ex-husband

who left them a Classic Six on the Park!

You can be an asshole when you're famous,

but as an unknown,

you can't be such a bitch, Lee.

Nobody is going to pay

for the writer Lee Israel right now.

My suggestion to you is you go out there

and you find another way to make a living.

Hmm.

"P.S.

"I have a new grandkid, and he got my old nose.

"Do I have to leave him

"an extra something for repairs?"

Yeah, I can definitely get a lot more for this one.

I mean, the P.S. makes it priceless.

How does $350 sound?

So, one of each, twice a day, in her food.

The infection will probably go away in a day or two,

but keep giving her the pills.

It'll stabilize her.

And here, your mom needed some milk.

Thank you, Miss Israel.

You're welcome. Your hair looks nice today.

Oh, no, no, no.

Are you still having insect problems?

Yeah, it's awful. I mean, there's dead flies everywhere.

- I'm going to take care of it. - Thanks.

My dear Billy...

I fear I must decline your invitation

as this weekend heralds the arrival of Marlene.

The canny old kraut remains

one of my most cherished friends

despite her predisposition to whining

ad nauseam about her aging process

as though she were the first gorgeous lady

undone by Father Time.

Ever yours, Noël.

Welcome.

Good afternoon.

Um...

I'm aware that you sell

memorabilia and first editions.

Is that also for typed, signed letters?

Yes, all of that.

What can I do for you?

Wondering if these might be of interest to you?

These are wonderful. Yes, I'd be very interested.

My cousin was a collector.

He's asked me to help sell some of his treasures

so he can afford the early bird specials

in Palm Beach.

Hard to find letters that have a real...

taste of the author's personality,

but these do just that.

Yes. I thought so, too.

He's a very, very clever man.

I can give you $200 for them. How does that sound?

I'm afraid I can probably get double that elsewhere, so...

Okay.

You're probably right.

Name your price.

$400 seems fair.

Okay.

Um...

Do you happen to have cash?

My cousin has closed all of his banking accounts.

It's complicated.

I think I've got it.

And please, if you come across anything else, bring it in.

I've got high-end clients who come in frequently,

or I'll call them if I have something I know they'll like.

Sure thing.

In fact, I have a buyer who actually knew Mr. Coward.

He's gonna love these.

Really?

Wonderful.

Okay, then.

Crosby Street.

I'm looking for the tall guy. The book buyer.

This is he.

Oh, hello, thank God!

This is Lillian Schuster from the fourth floor.

There's been an emergency.

The building's on fire!

Oh, God!

Can you get in? Can you get into the building?

- My dog is in there. - No!

There's flames coming out of your window right now.

That was very enjoyable.

Go, go, go!

You do a very good voice.

Oh!

You know what, I got no jingle in my jeans.

You got a token?

This is a celebratory drinking session,

and not a wallowing one.

It's hard to tell the difference with you.

No offense.

I have figured out a way to pay my bills

without shoveling shit.

And it is a good feeling.

Well, chin-chin.

You going to tell me how?

No. You'd be too scandalized.

Oh, my!

You clearly don't know me very well.

Some things

are just better kept to oneself,

even if they are brilliant.

Come on! Spill the beans!

Oh, God.

Can you keep a secret?

I have no one to tell. All my friends are dead.

Quite by accident, I find myself in a rather...

criminal position.

I can't fathom what criminal activity

you could possibly involve in,

except a crime of fashion, of course.

I'm embellishing...

documents, if you will.

Are you forging checks?

No.

Literary letters by prominent writers.

Not checks, not money, just letters?

You're not understanding the world of elite...

collectible, literary artifacts.

I suppose not. But how thrilling

to be forging pieces of paper that go where?

Libraries?

No, I am selling to collectors.

How much are you getting for them?

I don't know why I told you.

It's a waste of a secret.

I should have gone out there

and gotten a rock and told the rock,

'cause I'd get a better response.

Who else have you told about this?

You're not the only one without friends.

No. I remember you had someone.

We broke up. She was a pain in my ass.

Why?

Because she wanted things.

Like what? Money?

No.

She wanted me to listen to her troubles,

and become closer with her friends

and shit like that.

The nerve.

I haven't been in a relationship for years.

It's very hard to meet someone at my age.

I'm losing my hair.

I don't think that's the reason.

Wasn't this, uh...

One line here was particularly clever, don't you think?

It's wonderful. I love his writing.

And Dorothy Parker as well. Caustic wit, you know?

Caustic wit is my religion.

I can't carry it off. You certainly can.

Doesn't help too much in the relationship department.

I'm sure that's not true.

Okay, shall we settle up?

Yeah.

I know. Cash.

This has my number.

Well, the number of the store.

If you're ever in the neighborhood,

and, you know, want to get a drink or coffee sometime.

Sounds good.

I would like that.

You look like shit.

Oh, ditto.

You are looking at one month's rent.

Who's Marlene?

It's Marlene.

God, I don't know why I bother showing you anything.

How much did you get?

I got $400 for two.

That's a little more than I just made.

What?

I just sold a little coke.

Right here? To whom?

Some fool. Mostly laxative. Just left.

You know what? Do me a favor

and keep me away from your seedy dealings.

Hello, ladies.

I resent that.

Mmm. May I ask...

...how sweet your cinnamon roll is?

It's perfect.

If you don't like it, I'll eat it.

Oh.

Yeah, I'll have a coffee.

Oh.

- And can you warm it up? - 'Course I can.

How are you gonna eat it with his dick in your mouth?

- First things first. - Hmm.

God, you're shameless.

He started it.

- Oh, help yourself. - Okay.

So, now we've both got some money.

What are we gonna do?

What do you mean?

Gamble? Shop? Drink?

I don't suppose you dance?

Unlike you, I prefer to put my money to good use.

Like buying groceries or securing shelter.

I just thought we should do something.

I mean, life is dreary.

♪ And love me even half as much ♪

♪ As I love you ♪

Let's go sit down.

Thank you.

This next song goes out

to all the agoraphobic junkies

who couldn't be here tonight.

We don't have to stay long.

One drink?

Yeah, I like it. It's good.

Scotch and soda?

Well, I'm here.

♪ Ladies, good night ♪

♪ It's time to say goodbye ♪

- Two scotch and sodas, please. - You got it.

♪ Good night, ladies ♪

♪ Ladies, good night ♪

♪ It's time to say ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

Sing it!

♪ All night long you've been drinking ♪

♪ Your tequila ♪

♪ But now you sucked your lemon peel dry ♪

♪ So why not get high? ♪

♪ Good night, ladies ♪

♪ Ladies, good night ♪

♪ It's a lonely ♪

♪ Saturday ♪

♪ Night ♪

No, it's not worth half that.

Really, a very fair price.

Here is the signature.

This is a $60 book.

Really worth probably about $150.

Oh, baby, I hope

they've got some booze.

They most certainly do not have booze.

Maybe you can find some coke.

How much is that?

$200.

How do you know he really signed it?

It's authenticated.

- By whom? - By an authenticator.

Silly twat.

Oh, look, cards.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hey, Carl.

Hi.

- Such a hoot, isn't he? - Brilliant.

Such a hoot.

Oh!

Take a look at this beauty.

I just got this one in.

Dorothy Parker.

Wow.

I was born 30 years too late.

I feel the same way.

How much is that?

Oh, that...

We're not buying. We're just looking today.

No problem. I am asking $600.

Wow!

But if you are tempted,

make sure you do your homework.

Not all of the other dealers are as discerning as we are.

Oh?

Some care more than others about getting the real thing.

Just in case, who should we look out for?

That one.

The bowtie?

I'd stay away from him.

You run your mouth too much.

- What'd I say? - Too much.

Oh, good. He's almost finished.

Let's go to your place.

- Come on. - Finally.

Those flies are driving me crazy.

Oh! It smells horrible.

I'll come back when it's cleaned up.

What's going on in there?

What? Nothing.

It smells really bad.

Yeah, do you think I'm deaf?

I heard them.

Jesus, I'll do some straightening.

I don't mind, Lee. Come on.

Let me in. I'll come and help you.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

That's the last of it.

Ugh.

I need a break.

Hello?

Hello? Elaine?

Who is this?

Who is this?

You called me.

What is your name?

What's your name?

Harrison fucking Ford.

Who the hell are you?

Roush Agency.

Yes, is Marjorie there?

Lee Israel calling.

I'm sorry. She's unavailable right now.

Oh, I see.

Will you please leave word for her that I called?

Thank you.

Roush Agency.

Yes, I have Nora Ephron calling.

Certainly, one moment.

Nora, hello.

Is this a good time?

Of course it is. So wonderful to hear from you.

You star fucker!

Is that one word or two?

Who's Elaine?

None of your business.

Came out well. Don't you think?

Lovely.

Okay, Miss Parker, that will be $35.50.

Dear Joshua,

Alan told me to write and apologize.

I have a hangover that is a real museum piece.

I'm sure I must have said something terrible.

To save me this kind of exertion in the future,

I am thinking of having

little letters run off, saying

"Can you ever forgive me? Dorothy."

But until I do that,

can you ever forgive me? Dorothy.

Dearest Ralph. Dear friend.

Dear Timothy. Dear Germaine...

Gertrude Stein was right about the roses,

but she was all wet about California.

She said there was no "there", there.

Well, I'm here to tell you there is.

Yours, Dorothy Parker.

Dear Edith, that terrible old fart...

the tyranny addict, Joe Kennedy,

ruined Gloria Swanson

by luring her away from Paramount...

Dear Sidney, I had no idea you knew Dottie Parker.

A tragic loss, but she had been dying for decades.

Whether it was drink or chemistry

or character, she was unable...

I hate the Kennedys...

What are you now? Waitress?

No, I robbed a bank.

Miss Israel.

How you doing, Mrs. Ungur?

Thank you for those cookies.

Those were good cookies, weren't they?

Not as good as the chocolate babka, but good.

I'll have to remember that.

Hey, tell your son to go easy on me, huh?

Can't kick a old dog out on the street, right?

Affectionately, Lillian Hellman.

Yours, Edna Ferber.

- Dorothy Parker. - Judy Holliday.

- Louise Brooks. - Marlene Dietrich.

Sincerely yours, Noël Coward.

You're Lee?

- Ms. Israel. - Alan.

So, what do you got?

Uh...

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Very witty, don't you think?

She had quite the mouth.

I think what she had was a very big personality.

Uh-huh. Liked the ladies, too, I heard.

You sure these are the real thing?

I assume so.

Nah, most people will believe anything you tell them anyway.

And people love this stuff.

Personally, I don't get it.

To Fanny Brice, Noël Coward, and Dorothy Parker.

May their brilliance live on.

And to Lee, a brilliant writer who happens to still be alive.

That's negotiable.

Wouldn't it be incredible if, after you passed on...

people were selling your letters?

Why on earth would I want that?

Well, because. Most of us mortals just disappear.

This way, you still kind of exist.

No. When I die, who cares?

I just want somebody to feed my cat.

I'll feed your cat.

Thank you.

Have you ever written about yourself?

Nah. I don't think I'd find myself very interesting.

I would. You should.

Instead of waiting for someone

to write a biography about you.

You're very flattering, Anna.

I can't believe that I'm doing this, but...

Here's one of my stories.

You brought it with you.

I'm an idiot, I know.

No, I mean, I'll give it a read.

I've only taken a couple of classes...

Oh, don't worry about it. I'm... I'm honored.

You wear glasses.

Only recently.

I like them. They look good.

I wasn't sure about the frames.

They're nice.

I used to have perfect vision.

Don't you hate getting older

and watching your parts fall apart?

Nah. You're too young.

Hardly.

I really thought that I'd have accomplished

more by this time in my life.

You just need to drink more alcohol.

I mean, plus, you own the shop, right?

Well, I inherited it, yeah.

Truth be told, it's more pressure than I thought.

My father took real pride in it.

Almost too much.

I try to live up to that.

Where did you grow up?

Woodside, Queens.

My parents live in Florida, may they rest in peace.

I also have a ridiculous brother

who lives on Long Island, so...

What about you?

I'm an only child...

but I'm close with a few of my cousins, though.

I think I have some cousins. I think.

Not into the family thing?

No, I like my alone time.

Well, not every second, though.

You're here with me right now.

Oh, hey. I always need a drinking buddy.

Thank you. That was fun.

I think I'm a little tipsy. Are you?

It takes a lot more than that.

Oh, no. Have I embarrassed myself?

What did Dorothy say?

"Can you ever forgive me?"

What? Did I say something wrong?

No.

You didn't say anything wrong.

Good.

This has been very nice.

It was.

It's always nice to make a new friend.

Indeed.

Speak soon?

When I read your story, I'll let you know.

I'm pretty busy these days,

so I don't know if I'll get to it right away, but...

That's okay.

Good night.

Good night.

My dear boy,

I enjoyed our talk tremendously

and was not the least bit upset about the article.

My professional demise

has been gleefully predicted for years,

but nonetheless, I await the return

of your ruby-red lips to Blue Harbor

in the event my spirit should falter.

Yours and very much anticipating,

Noël.

This is quite something.

I thought so, too.

Well, as you know,

I think I already have a buyer for it.

I'm gonna call him as soon as you leave.

Huh.

I sent the Marlene Dietrich to Los Angeles.

I got a request from a collector out there.

Wonderful.

You guys do that? You sell to other collectors?

Oh, yeah.

There's a whole world of wheeling and dealing...

most of which I don't partake in.

There are a lot of characters in this line of work.

Hey, for a while there, we had The Hitler Diaries.

Hmm.

Remember that?

Criminal.

Yeah. Not everyone gets into this

because they respect talent and history...

if you know what I mean.

Yep.

Lee?

You really should replace the shower curtain, Lee.

You wanna discuss decorating with me?

Who beat you up?

It's my own fault.

I didn't have enough money,

and I didn't know until after, and...

Until it was too late.

I'm not even going to try to understand that.

I used to get away with so much.

Do you think it'll scar?

I couldn't find my keys,

I couldn't get into my apartment.

What?

And where is said apartment?

It was on Ninety-Second...

then it was on Ninety-Sixth.

You...

You can sleep on my couch.

Thank you.

Are you ready to order?

Uh, yeah, I'll have a burger, rare, with onions.

I'll have the same, thanks.

You said you wanted a steak. Get a steak.

You sure?

He's gonna have the steak.

Why don't you have a steak?

'Cause we came here to get you a steak.

Thank you.

Skirt or T-bone?

He's gonna have the T-bone, medium-rare,

and we'll have another round.

How've you gotten by as long as you have?

Do not underestimate sparkly blue eyes...

and a little bit of street smarts.

They go a long way in this city.

Although I may have stretched my limits recently.

Yeah, but who did you wanna be?

I mean, what was the actual plan?

I honestly don't know what to say.

I imagined I'd figure it out as I went along,

and for the most part, I have.

I certainly have no regrets.

That can't be true.

Oh.

You mean, why don't I have

some brilliant talent for copying like you do?

Is that what you think I'm doing?

- You think I'm copying? - Mm-hmm.

I'll have you know, I'm a better

Dorothy Parker than Dorothy Parker.

Oh, I'll drink to that. Cheers.

- Get your feet off the couch. - Really?

Look at it.

This is not a flop house.

There you go.

How old is that old hairball anyway?

She's 12.

That is fucking old. What's that in cat years?

This is Paul from Armada Books.

Ms. Israel, I was wondering if you could come in tomorrow?

I have a couple of questions regarding

the last Coward letter I purchased.

Please come in or call as soon as you can.

Uh-oh.

It's important.

Thank you. Thank you for bringing it in.

Hi, Lee.

What seems to be the problem?

You know I've got that client who knew Noël Coward.

And he said that...

Mr. Coward would never have been as explicit as he was

regarding his orientation.

It was illegal in those days, and...

Anyway, apparently, the letter is a fake.

I'm shocked.

I mean, my uncle would be appalled.

You mean, your cousin?

Yes.

My cousin has always been very avuncular toward me. So.

I also got a call from Los Angeles, Lee.

It seems one of your letters was quite the controversy

at a convention out there.

I hate to say it, but your name's been put on a list.

On a list?

People are on alert.

That's all.

They won't buy from you anymore.

Hello?

Alan?

You got my messages.

- Thanks for coming. - Yeah.

I brought some wonderful Faulkners that I unearthed.

Not why I called.

Listen, the FBI has been in here to see me.

The FBI?

They asked me to wear a wire.

I'm not gonna do that to you. I'm a good guy.

And if they want me to be a witness...

I'll lie.

But you're gonna pay me $5,000.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, come on, I'm not gonna rat you out or anything.

That's very generous of you.

I don't have $5,000.

You're a clever woman.

Figure it out.

Oh, hello, welcome.

Oh, thank you very much. Um...

My grandmother just died, and...

- Oh. - No, it's all right.

And I discovered these

when I was going through her closet

and wondered if they might be of interest to you or not.

- "Edna Ferber." - You've heard of her?

Oh, yes.

She wrote that movie with James Dean.

I guess I'm not really up on all these things.

Just look at that. Such wonderful knick-knacks.

So your granny collected letters?

I don't know any of the people in them,

but I feel they must be worth something.

And how did you know

that I bought this kind of thing?

- Do you? - Sure.

Yeah. I could give you $50 a piece.

I feel I could do better than that.

No offense, but a store in Brooklyn

offered me $200 for one.

For one?

Why didn't you sell it to them, then?

I hate the boroughs.

I'm really good at this.

You should see me at it.

When last did you go outside, Lee?

How much did you get?

First place gave me $600.

The other guy gave me $1,000.

You just got closer to paying back

that asshole with his own money.

He gave me $1,000!

- Was he suspicious? - Oh, hell, no.

I always did want to be an actor. Here.

How much did you say he gave you?

What?

You're stealing from me?

No. Uh...

What did I say?

He gave me $1,400 plus 600. I mean...

- Isn't that what I said? - No, moron.

It's not what you said.

You're stealing from me...

and you don't even know what it is you're selling.

Okay.

I made a mistake.

Okay? Here. Here.

Here.

Okay, they're literary treasures.

One of a kind, carefully written witticisms, okay?

They're not just a piece of paper.

It's a portal into a better time

and a better place where people

still actually honored the written word.

Okay! I get it.

Yeah, do you get it?

You better learn how to respect

what it is you're selling,

because it's my writing!

Well...

What?

I mean...

you're impersonating other people,

I mean, very well, I'm sure,

but come on.

Nobody is buying Lee Israel letters.

You steal from me again, and I'll fucking kill you.

This was your grandmother's?

Found it in her suitcase. I assume it's real.

Do you think it's real?

- Looks that way. - Good.

But there have been some forgeries going around,

so I'm gonna have to get it authenticated

before I can purchase it, if that's all right.

You brought it back, right?

I couldn't. I didn't know what to do.

You left it there? God, you idiot.

Stop calling me an idiot.

I'm gonna go to jail for this.

I'm just gonna kill myself first.

And you can't do this anymore.

Lee, come on. We can't stop now.

Well, everybody is on high alert.

I don't have a shot at paying that schmuck back.

Maybe you could steal more real ones

like you did at first, and I'll sell them.

Finding those letters was a complete fluke.

Well, where did the real ones go? Who has those?

Archives and museums.

And you have to have proof that you're doing research.

They don't just let anybody walk in.

You can get into archives. You're a famous writer.

You can steal the letters, copy them...

replace them with your copies, sell the originals.

In my sticky finger days...

I'd choose the thing that I wanted...

the things always had to come in boxes like toothpaste...

and then when nobody is paying attention,

I'd take the toothpaste out of the box,

slip it into my pocket,

and replace it with a used tube.

If anyone was suspicious,

they'd come back to the shelf and see nothing is missing.

Win-win, baby.

Well, not the store.

What do you mean?

Win-win doesn't apply to the story you just told.

You always put a downer on everything, you know.

Just eat your noodles.

She needs fresh water...

and two pills twice a day.

And you gotta mash it up in the...

Knock it off.

You gotta mash it up in the food like I showed you.

- I will. - No snooping.

Stay out of my bed, and no smoking.

Okay.

All right.

Can I help you?

Let's hope. I'm doing a in-depth look

at writers and alcoholism.

Hence, Lillian Hellman.

Here's my contract with my publisher.

I'm primarily interested in

more personal, archival materials.

You know, any kind of correspondence...

letters, diaries, journals.

I'll give you what we've got.

I told him I had to get it authenticated.

He seemed pretty nervous.

Does this look familiar?

Yes, I bought this from her.

Hello.

"Commissioned, Viking Press commissioned..."

What is all this stuff?

Why do you collect old typewriters?

It's too complicated to explain. It's my work.

I don't invite many people to my home.

I'm a very private person.

Well, I take it you're not much of a TV watcher.

Rots the brain. I don't believe in it. I'm a reader.

Hello, kitty.

What do you got here?

Oh, a little coke, a little dope...

and little old me.

Let's get this party started.

Hello?

Uh...

Hello. Elaine?

No.

Is she there?

No, would you like to leave a message?

Yes, this is Lee Israel.

Oh.

And who is this?

This is Marie.

Well, okay, Marie.

Could you please tell her that I called?

Same number.

Thank you.

Where is that bloody cat?

Psst-psst-psst-psst.

Two.

Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Psst.

Ugh.

Jersey.

Psst-psst-psst-psst.

Psst. Come and get it.

Come on.

Thank God.

Ma'am.

Good morning. The Lillian Hellman box

I was working on yesterday.

Ah, yes, the book on drunk authors.

Who else are you gonna be writing about?

You know what? I have a bus to catch.

Of course.

I'll get what you need.

Fuck.

Here you go. Sorry about the rush.

I get overly anxious when I travel.

Oh. Of course. I do, too.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Jack?

Jersey, Mama's home.

What has he done to our home?

Huh?

Where are you?

Aha.

Hey, there.

You hiding, huh?

Oh, shit.

All right. I know it looks bad, Lee, but...

Get out.

All right.

I couldn't resist him. He's so adorable.

You have to understand, Lee.

Get out of my house.

Why?

What's happened?

My cat is dead!

What? Oh, no.

What's going on?

Oh, for fuck's sake, get the fuck out of my house!

Darling, I can explain.

Okay, this is too fucked up for me.

Lee, I'm so sorry. It's not my fault.

It must have just happened right now.

Get out. Get out! Get out!

Sorry. I did what you...

Oh, hi, Miss Israel.

Is Jersey okay?

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Um, I don't have a backyard or anything,

so I wasn't sure what to do with her.

It's okay. We can... They can take care of that here.

Thanks for coming.

It sounded important.

It is.

Looks like you brought Jersey with you.

How is that old bitch?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

She, uh...

- She just died. - Oh.

I just figured, since she was a gift from you...

Was she?

I got too attached to her.

Getting another one?

No.

No, I couldn't replace her.

That wouldn't feel right.

Maybe in time.

You know, I still go to Aunt Eleanor's

pretty regularly.

Oh, my God. I haven't thought about that place in years.

It's still there? On Ninety-Six?

Exactly the same.

I mean, you know, different cats.

You still on Eighty-Second?

Where else would I be?

You all right? You look all right.

You can't imagine what I've done to survive.

Are you sleeping, Lee?

Fits and starts.

I was just supposed to be...

something more than this.

I mean, wasn't I?

That's why you wanted to see me.

No, I needed to see you.

I'm having a crisis here.

And you know me.

No, Lee.

There was always a wall between us.

Something I couldn't penetrate.

I tried.

You know, God damn it, Elaine,

I tried more with you than anybody else ever.

No, you didn't.

You did everything you could to keep your distance.

You lied, you drank constantly,

you were self-involved.

Well, I didn't say I was perfect.

You were so miserable.

- No, I wasn't. - Yes, you were.

I tried to get you to trust me.

Certain point, I just stopped trying.

Yeah, I wish you hadn't.

Well, you don't have to go yet. Come on.

Lee, it's not my job anymore.

To talk you off the ledge. It's exhausting.

I got a class.

Let them authenticate all they want.

They're real. Don't settle.

Lee. Are we gonna talk about it?

I mean, I'm really sorry.

Okay, afterwards, you come here immediately.

I'll do good. You'll see, Lee. I'll make it up to you.

And get a written receipt.

I wanna know how much you get paid.

Oh, come on.

How long are you gonna freeze me out, huh?

I trusted you.

I don't know if you've noticed this, but I don't do that.

And you have reminded me why that is.

Lee, I took care of your cat. I swear.

It was an accident, and I feel awful.

We will continue to work together

because I have no other option.

But we are not friends,

and I don't think we actually ever were.

Lee. Lee.

We will meet in public,

and you will not fuck this up like

you fuck everything else up in your life.

You will sell those papers, you will get the money,

you will bring me a receipt.

I'll be back after the sale.

Aren't they fabulous?

I just know someone is going to treasure them.

I need another one.

That's debatable.

How much do you want for them?

I was thinking $300, each.

Actually, do you have cash?

That's 500.

$600.

Thank you so much.

- Come on, right here. - Mm-mmm.

No. I'm waiting for somebody.

It's clearly marked.

I'm pretty sure they were stolen,

but I didn't want to ask.

She asked me to sell them for her as a favor...

so, I said, "Of course I will."

As a favor?

You don't accept a cut?

Well, a small one.

Very small.

You know what?

Oh, I got him. That's...

Lee Israel? I'm Agent Solanas. This is Agent Doyle.

We're here to deliver a subpoena

to appear before a federal grand jury.

Your appearance is scheduled for two weeks from today.

We've intercepted your employee, Jack Hock.

He's cooperating,

as are the dealers you've done business with.

Mr. Hock requests

that you do not try to reach him

or telephone or harass him in any way.

You are forbidden to destroy

any evidence pertinent to this case.

Headache?

Awful.

Can't say I blame you.

Looking at this stuff, it is pretty bad.

We're probably looking at some time behind bars.

That said, these letters are pretty incredible.

I especially enjoyed the Louise Brooks.

Thank you.

Look, if you want me to represent you...

there are a few things you're going to

have to do before appearing in court.

Like what?

Clean up your act.

First, you're getting a job. Any kind of job.

Second, you're enrolling in community service

to show just how penitent you are.

What? What kind of service?

Something with children.

Ah, Jesus. No.

Animals, then. Sick people, whatever.

You have to show that you've turned over a new leaf.

And you've got to go to AA.

Can I ask you a question?

Everyone I sold to...

do you think they all know?

Yeah. They all probably know.

But right now, that's the least of your worries.

She is seeking employment

with Scholastic Books as a copy editor

and has already put in

over 40 hours of community service

at a cat shelter.

Before I render my verdict,

have you, in the last 24 hours,

used drugs, pills, alcohol...

anything that could affect your ability

to understand what's going on?

Uh, no, ma'am.

Have you anything additionally

you'd like to say to the court

before I offer your sentence?

Yes.

"I have been living in a state of enormous guilt

"and anxiety for many months."

Not so much because

I felt like what I was doing was wrong

but because I was just always afraid of being found out.

I can't specifically say that I regret any of my actions.

Lee.

I don't.

I mean, in many ways, this has been the best time of my life.

I mean, it's the only time...

recently, that I can remember being proud of my work.

But it wasn't really my work, was it?

I mean...

if I had put in my work...

then I would've been opening myself up to criticism.

And I'm too much of a coward to do that.

Then I lost my cat.

She was probably the only soul

that truly loved me. Maybe ever.

And I lost my friend...

who may have been an idiot, but he...

he tolerated me.

And he was nice to have around.

And I think I have realized that I am...

...not a real writer.

And that...

...I think, in the end, it...

...I would say, was not worth it.

I would say that.

Uh...

"I will accept the judgment of the court as valid

"and fulfill whatever sentence I may receive...

"...with full understanding that I have earned...

"...said punishment."

Lee Israel, the court sentences you

to five years' probation

plus six months' house arrest.

You may only leave home to go

to and from your place of employment,

your work in the community,

and to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

You are not to leave the state or consort with felons,

and you are to pay restitution

to your victims within your means.

Thank you, Your Honor.

This is a good thing.

Very fair.

Mmm.

Good.

Yeah.

Mm-mmm.

Thanks for coming.

It was quite inconvenient.

I moved some meetings around.

Can I get you a drink? I'm buying.

Not today.

My new meds make gin taste like mouthwash.

Takes the fun out of it.

I guess you cut a deal?

Ratting on me worked out?

Three years' probation.

At least you're out and about.

So are you.

No. I'm at an AA meeting on Tenth Street right now.

Criminals at large.

I can't imagine what was so important

that Lee Israel swallowed her pride

and asked to meet me, so spit it out.

I've been thinking about writing a new book.

About what happened, and...

what I did, and...

about you, if you'll let me.

Like hell I will.

What will my boyfriend say

if he heard about my shadier dealings?

I doubt our crimes even rank

on your top ten of shady dealings.

Fair enough.

But I don't want a book out there about me.

I'm a very private person.

I need to do something, and I need to write again.

Mmm.

What about Fanny... Price?

God damn. It's Brice.

As terrifying as it sounds, I...

I think I'm supposed to be writing about us.

I'm still mad at you, you know.

You treated me like shit.

I don't think you're a very nice person, Lee.

I would agree with you.

I suppose you might be mad at me as well.

Well, I mean, if you didn't look so decrepit, I might be.

Yeah, well...

it was gonna catch up to me eventually.

You did fuck your way through Manhattan, I mean...

I'd like that on my tombstone.

Could you make me 29?

With perfect skin.

Don't make me sound stupid. Hmm?

Thank you.

I'm late for a board meeting.

My driver's waiting.

Life of a millionaire.

What?

I had such an urge to trip you just then.

Wow.

You're a horrid cunt, Lee.

You too, Jack.

Jack would not tell me what story he'd cook up

to explain his possession of the letters.

Nor would he take any suggestions

from me about a backstory.

It didn't finally matter, because he was succeeding.

He always got the price he asked for.

His narratives, whatever they were,

kept my rent paid

and his mouth full of large, gorgeous,

extraordinarily white teeth.

I have a friend's birthday coming up.

You know, he would love to own

that Dorothy Parker in the window.

Ah. She's a beauty, isn't she?

Can I ask you how much a letter like that runs?

We're asking 1,900, framed and matted,

and it comes with a letter of authenticity.

Does the letter of authenticity

come with a letter of authenticity?

No.

I can assure you it's the real thing.

No one can write like Miss Parker could.

Not before and not since.

My dear sir, I offer my droopy salutations

from the great beyond.

I understand that you are selling my personal letters

to the tune of nearly two grand.

To think poor Lee Israel

received a tiny fraction of that sum

when she sold them to someone, who then sold them to you.

I dearly hope that this letter

will not affect the selling price

of your valuable artifact.

As I most famously muttered

mere moments after my cremation,

"Darling, excuse my dust."

Yours, Dorothy Parker.

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