All language subtitles for The.armstrong.and.miller.show.S03E04.web.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Um, well, we met at university,
so we've been together 20 years.

And in that time I don't think
we've spent a single night apart.

I've got absolutely no idea
who she is. Sorry.

No-one suits white jeans.
Yup.

Pigs can be toilet trained.
Right you are.

Mick Hucknall feels
under-appreciated.

Send him over a house plant.

China's a bit of a worry.
Well, try not to think about it.

You've just stepped in dog shit.
Good.

You don't need to keep melons
in the fridge. OK.

IN GERMAN:

Wooden floors are coming back.
I can't hear what you're saying.

Charisma is everything.
I am what I am, Sheila.

You're two minutes off
your personal best.

Yaarrrrrgh!

You join me at the Plantin Press
Museum in Antwerp

to view an extraordinary invention.

An invention that changed the world.

The printing press.

It seems simple enough,

but by rearranging
the individual pieces of type,

it became possible to print en masse

and thus disseminate any idea
that could be framed by man.

The blocks themselves, each one
a priceless artefact in its own right,

were delicately and intricately
hand-carved in reverse,

from the finest ebony.

Fortunately,
given their almost inestimable value,

they remain preserved all around us.

Now, the machine we see here
is nearly 450 years old

but I'm told it still works today

and I am privileged indeed

to have been granted permission
to print myself a page of text.

It looks so easy to work.
Well, it is easy to work.

One simply places the paper...

...like so.

Inserts the fascia
under the print head.

Then, um, one takes this arm...

and...one takes this arm
and pulls as hard as one can.

Yes, I was told very hard, though one
wants to be careful not to, er...

Yes, these machines
are deceptively robust,

built by craftsmen to a standard
rather than a price.

The, er, the trick is to pull...

To pull.

Give it a firm yank.

A jolt, maybe? A vigorous jolt
to free the mechanism.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Fierce!

Tonight we're camping out
and living off the land.

That's right, dude!

Now, we were planning to roast
a rabbit over an open fire,

but we haven't been able
to light the fire.

Plus, we haven't caught a rabbit
and Rory's feeling a bit tired.

Plus, my feet are getting a bit wet.

But then I remembered that my mam
owns a holiday cottage near here.

It doesn't even matter
if she's not in

because the next-door neighbour's
got a key.

Mine's a slice of Victoria sponge
with a doily

and a glass of Crabbie's
ginger wine!

Let's make it happen, bro!
Come on!

Ah, good evening ladies
and gentlemen.

Now, I'm sure Fyffe here
would forgive me if I told you that

he is an expert at dreaming up "get rich
quick" schemes. Is that fair, Fyffe?

Absolutely spot-on.

And what manner of goose is currently
laying your prospective golden eggs?

Well, it's a form of legal high that's
proving very popular in the clubs.

Oh. Sounds intriguing.

And if it slips under the
legislative radar for another year,

I shall be a millionaire!

And as far as the revenue is concerned,
he's just a horticulturalist

who gets through a hell of a lot
of rooting powder. Hmm.

Which, funnily enough, is becoming
its nickname on the club scene.

Well, what they don't know...
Keep up!

What they don't know won't hurt 'em.

And that, funnily enough,
is what this next song is all about.

# I woke the other morning
from a nightmare

# In which I swore on my own life
I'd never lie

# But I knew before I'd folded up
my nightwear

# That if I took on such an oath
I'd surely die

# I don't believe I'm more than
averagely mendacious

# It's just the truth exists
in several shades of grey

# If I wish to remain popular
and gracious, there must be

# A gulf twixt what I mean
and what I say

# You see, I say I'm doing this
when I'm really doing that

# He leaves home every morning
in his suit and bowler hat

# When in fact my morning meeting's
with my homeboys at the track

# 'Cause it's three years next November
since the day he got the sack

# I did a course in wine tasting

# He swallows, never spits

# I read National Geographic

# Looks at tribal women's bits

# Checking e-mails
Online poker

# Fresh air
A crafty fag

♪ And the lav is just a bolt hole
where I read the daily rag... ♪

He's had a colostomy bag for years.
Mrs F has no idea.

# I say I'm doing that
when I'm really doing this

# His evening class in French
was simply cover for a tryst

♪ I smoke herbal cigarettes... ♪
A crack pipe.

# And I never miss
a chance to walk the dog

# Well, I'm sure you get the gist

# The gym...
...is euphemistic

# Client meetings...
Never that

# If he says he's doing yoga...
I'll be standing at the back

# And if he says he's in the attic
putting lagging round the tank

♪ I'm merely shinning up the ladder
for a surreptitious... ♪

(CONTINUOUS TONE)

That was a fantastic swim. Now,
quick as you can, let's get dressed

then straight up to
the restaurant for lunch.

Can we have burgers and chips?
Tell you what,

you help Mike get dressed,
you can have anything you like.

And please dry your hair,
I don't want anyone catching a cold.

Oh, what the...? Shit!
What?

All our clothes have gone.
Someone's stolen our stuff!

Are you sure it's ours?
Well, that's your shoe, isn't it?

Oh, great!

It's my phone, my credit card, my wallet,
I had 200 quid in cash in there!

Not to mention our clothes!

What are we going to do?
Well, I don't know, do I?!

Oh, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, guys. It's just... Agh!

This isn't funny, but it did actually
happen to a friend of mine, so...

No, Debs, no. You tell him from me
that if he can't work it out for himself,

I will come over there and, by God,
I will rip him a new one!

Problem?

My godson, he's having trouble
transferring a CD into iTunes.

What the Keith Sweat
is happening here?

I had to sleep in the shop
last night.

In your suit?
No, no. These are me PJs.

Yeah, Cheryl Three kicked me out,

says she's going to the bloody
lawyer for a divorce.

Ah, shittlesticks!

Apparently we don't communicate
any more.

I mean, for God's sake,
I'm always communicating at her.

But a lot of the time where women say
all this stuff about communication,

underneath it all they're not happy
about the carpet situation in the hall,

or maybe on the landing.

It can be very hard for couples
to discuss the flooring situation

when there's so many strong emotions
flying around.

I don't think so, Ken.

Sensitive subject, so please tell me
to forget me toothbrush,

but how are things
in the bedroom department?

Good. Turning a nice profit.
We've got some great mark-ups

on these little...pocket-sprung
queen sizes.

What about sex with Cheryl?

I'm not sure I wanna go there, Ken.
Ah, come on Phil.

Sex is the battlefield
of any relationship.

I was reading one of Shoneesha's
magazines the other day

and do you know what it told me
was the most erotic part of the body?

I think I know this one, Ken.
It's the tits.

No, Phil, it's the brain.

What? That is disgusting.

I would never, ever have relations
with a woman's brain.

What do I know?
I'm just the messenger.

No, maybe I'll be better off
on my own, you know,

maybe that's me lot,
three Cheryls and out.

I'm only 63.

That still means I can go out with
women who are what? 29? 30?

Sure, yeah, 28, 29.

Yeah, 27, 28, that's about right,
isn't it?

Yeah. 25, 26, 27.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 19?
Why not?

Why not? Mind you, if Shoneesha
told me she was leaving me,

it'd be like someone taking away
12 to 13 per cent of me carpet stock.

Wow, Ken, I've never heard
you talk like this before.

Well, that's how much she means to me.
What you've got to work out

is what percentage of beds,
undiscounted mind you,

you'd put as a value on Cheryl Three,

because that's what
you're going to lose.

Before tax.

You're right, Ken. I can't
afford to lose another Cheryl.

No.
I'm gonna find her,

grab her by the shoulders, tell her
to shut up and cut the crap.

And then I'll ask her
to do me the honour

of getting VAT
registered together.

That's it.
Help me off with my PJs, Ken.

There's a zip round the back.

Ah, yeah, got it.

Scritti Politti! You're like a
multi-fibre flat weave back here!

(ON TV) 'And in other news today,
a plane crash near Heathrow has meant

'that 3,000 people cannot get to
their required destinations on time.

'It may take up to three weeks...'
PHONE RINGS

'...to get all the
necessary flights available

'to the other on-going destinations.
In sport...'

Arrh?

Who?

Black Tom Teach? No. No, no.

No, there's no-one here
of that name.

He sails no more, I tell you.
Now, don't call back.

Who was that?
No-one.

It better be no-one.

If I hear you've been pirating
again, Tom Teach,

there gonna be big trouble.
Big trouble, you hear me?

Yes, dear.

'And this just in.

'The M27 has been closed
near Portsmouth

'after a lorry has overturned,

'spilling a consignment of
rare Spanish doubloons

'across two lanes of
the eastbound carriageway.

'The coins are believed to date back
to the 14th century

'and their value has been estimated
at a sum of £8 million.'

MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey March"

PLUMMY ACCENTS

Have you got all, like, sand up your
crack and this, that and the other?

Yeah, man, it's mega scratchy
on all my region and business.

You know what I mean, it's harsh.

You know something, blud?
What is it, me military bredren?

I reckon that Welsh guy
was really cross with us.

You mean Japanese guy.

Whatever.

Yeah, but anyway, that Japanese guy
was well vexed-up with us

when we said we wouldn't build
his bridge, or whatever it is.

Yeah, because he did all shouting.

And then he buried us. Like a potato,
or that other vegetable you get.

Super Noodles?
Yeah.

He needs to get over himself, man.

We can't build no bridge
or escalator or whatever it is,

cos it's against health and safety.

You know what I mean?

That building site's contravening
so many kinds of legislation and shit

and I'm not even lying.

Yeah, man, bamboo stepladders
are retarded.

You know what?

I is gonna go up council, yeah?
The Burma borough council?

I'm going to see whoever
the guy is there, the safety bitch,

and then the Japanese army is going
to get, like, a really substantial fine.

Like, really substantial.

Like it, nice one, sorted, nang,
cool, bless, grimey.

So you know dinner time, yeah?

The time you have all your dinner
or tea or some shit like that?

Dinner time? Right?

You know that, yeah, that time?
Time for your dinner?

Dinner time?
Yeah?

So when it's, like, dinner time,
right, how's that gonna work?

Is some geezer going to feed us
with a spoon,

like they have to with your nan
in the home and all this?

I don't think we're getting
no dinner, blud.

Seriously, though,
what happens at dinner time?

No, man, we don't get no dinner.
They leave us out here

in the scorching sun to starve
and burn and dehydrate.

That is massively unfair.

Massively.

So shall we say we're gonna
build their bridge, then?

No way.

We is gonna take the burning sun,
man, cos our cause is just.

Well said, me fam.

And also...
Yeah?

We is gonna save so much money
at the tanning salon, isn't it?

Isn't it, though?
Isn't it?

Orangey.

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

Ah! Greetings, unbetrothed
available young lady.

Allow me to introduce myself
to myself, Simpkins of the France.

Yes, I wish very much
to practise my English.

I am living here in the Paris
since the six months

and my mother's tongue
has completely dried up.

I'm sorry, I'm actually waiting
for someone.

Again one time?
I'm waiting for someone.

Sorry, it's just sort of sounds.
Sorry.

I'm waiting for my boyfriend.

Bleb, bleb, bleb, bleb, bleb
bleb, no idea.

I think I'm just going to head off.

But yes, of course.
Let's ourselves go to ourselves.

I shall show you the real Paris.

SPEAKS FRENCH:

Pleased to meet you to myself.
I am Simpkins of the France.

Hey, Man from Del Monte!

Why don't you take
your primary school satchel

and your big, fat,
unwashed English arse

and piss off back

to the shit TEFL backstreet school
you undoubtedly came from?

Can you lend me 20 euros?

Yes, so there is a part of me
that wonders

quite how I've ended up
in this situation, um,

running an organic soup company
with the bloke who killed my mum.

We also make porridge.

Come on, ladies,
smile with your hips,

smile with them.

Ah!

The blood-lust rises, Horschstadt,
it cries out to be sated.

Fear not, Pharius.

I was assured this would be
the perfect venue for seduction.

Where did you read
such exaggerations?

Bella.

Oh!

Did you know that there are
as many calories in a navel orange

as there are in two fingers
of Kit Kat?

But what spoke it of this soiree?

I was told of glamorous women,
enervated by Latin abandon,

blood heated
to the point of delirium.

It painted it to be some kind of
modern-day bacchanal orgy.

WHOOPING

Hmm.

Do you recall the masked ball
at Versailles?

Ah, le grand fete of 1748.

I seduced the Duchesse de Besancon
and her sister,

and her niece, if I remember rightly,
which I do.

To think that I, Pharius the Dread,
have just attempted a cha-cha-cha

with Joan whose cousin
was once on Going For Gold.

Well, a glimmer of hope?

She owns something called
"a static caravan".

It doesn't even move.

'Ere y'are you two,
don't be such wallflowers!

You have skin
like the finest alabaster,

pure, immutable...

exquisite.

Polish?

You 'ere for the fruit picking?

Madam, would you do me the great
honour of a turn around the floor?

Go on, then, but we'll have to be quick,
'cause my bus leaves in ten minutes.

Well, then, perhaps after we have
danced, I could accompany you

through the settling darkness
on the lonely walk to the bus shelter.

Via the kebab van?

Twist me arm. Go on, then.

WIND WHISTLES

Arreeeba!

Arses! Forgot the bins!

I say!

I say!

Look... Oh! Bastard!

Oh! Brilliant!

Oh, he is lovely, he is so lovely!
How much you say this one is?

He's £35, madam, a French Lop.

And you can keep him indoors?

Fine to keep him indoors, yes.

They actually prefer
a centrally-heated environment.

Oh, I love this one, he's lovely,
absolutely lovely. I love him already.

Little cuddly rabbit.
Don't you agree, Tom?

Tom!

Well, today is shaping up to be
one of the more controversial days

in the Queen's reign.

She is honouring the invitation

to despotic African leader,
Maxwell Bugana,

to attend a state dinner
at Buckingham Palace.

Now, we can't make contact

with our Chief Political Correspondent
in Zapoto at the moment,

but to discuss this very thorny issue
is our Royal Correspondent, Terry Devlin.

Um, a lot of people very angry
at the Queen's decision.

Do you think she'll be aware
of the implications

of having a leader of a murderous
regime at the Royal table?

NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:
Well, I'm in no doubt

that Her Majesty
the Queen Elizabeth

of the United Kingdom,
of these Home Nations,

Queen Regnant of the
Commonwealth Realms, of course,

will be aware of the magnitude
of the implications, either fully,

partially, wholly, fractionally, totally,
or perhaps if you like, not at all.

Hmm, yeah, er...

Let's move on to the banquet.
Ordinarily,

Royal protocol would demand
a minimum of seven courses,

but there have been rumours
of a reduced menu,

which could be interpreted as a...

well, shall we say a slight towards
Mr Bugana. What's your view?

Oh, well, a reduced menu could mean
any number of things, Jeremy.

It could mean anything from
the full traditional seven courses,

all the way down to six, five, four,
possibly three,

I'm not going to rule out two
and, gone to me head, one.

If I were a betting man, though,
I'd say anything from three to six.

Or seven, not including rolls.

No, no, no, see,
what I'm trying to ascertain is

whether it'll be, if you like,
the full state banquet,

or a more token affair reflecting
the dubious status of Mr Bugana.

You know, what will it entail?

Oh, well, that's of course
a very, very complex issue, Jeremy,

and very hard to know for sure.

A crescent of crisps
may well be laid out.

Dips, dips, very a la mode nowadays.

But regarding the menu,

I think it's fair to assume that
chicken will play a role there.

Although whether that be in
a Coronation or a mini Kiev capacity,

I'd be loath to commit.

I'd also imagine that over the years

the Royal banquets have featured
beasts of the field.

I'm talking beef, I'm talking lamb,
I'm talking pork.

Or am I? Is that applicable here?
Or goat, of course.

Venison, maybe. And naturally the sausage,
maybe in the guise of a salami,

or just the good old honest,
straight up and down banger

that you and I and so many countless
thousands are familiar with ourselves.

Yeah, yeah, I...

I'm sorry to interrupt you, I'm just
hearing that our link is back up

and we can go over live to
our Chief Political Correspondent,

who's just managed to get across
the border into Zapoto

and is waiting to speak to us
on the satellite phone.

Or cheese or bread, I mean,
no limit there.

Mr Bugana could quite literally keep
coming back for more, couldn't he?

Cheese or bread.
Paul, I understand

you've just experienced
some guerrilla fire?

Petit fours!

Time for another coffee?

Hmm. You're not going to be late?

Oh!

Where's Ben?

Cutting it fine, as usual.

Afternoon!

Have a lovely day, sweetheart.

There's some lasagne in the fridge
if I'm not back in time for tea.

Yeah, I'd better get going as well.
Wait.

Call me.

No, wait!

Sit down.

What is it?

I need to talk to you

and nobody ever has time to talk
about anything in this house.

OK. Yeah.

We're listening.
What's on your mind?

I need to... I just...

What, Ben?

What is it, sweetie?
You're scaring us.

I'm gay.

And I need you to know, because...

it's who I am and you're my parents

and I need you to be
involved in my life.

Oh, Ben, my poor baby.

I love you, Mum.

I love you too. I love you so much.

I don't believe it.

Dad?

I forgot to put the bins out.

Bollocks!

Right, so...

that's a vodka and pineapple juice
for Inez.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Jamie,
you are so kind.

And that's a rum for Tom.

Arrh!

Right, who's going to write? Tom?

Oh, no, no, no, you don't want Tom
to write, he cannot write neatly.

A monkey could do it better, truly.

Oh, go on, Tom.
I'm sure you can manage.

Right, well, Jamie's good on sport,
I can do literature and telly.

She's better at the telly.

It's nice to all come out together,
isn't it, Tom?

HE GRUNTS
We do well as team, I think?

Question one. Which novelty hit
kept Ultravox's Vienna

from the number one spot in 1981?

LOUD BANG

Oh, you'd better take the plastic
off so it's just paper in there.

Yeah, but then leaflets and stuff
will fall out and blow everywhere.

I mean, you know, it's just thin
plastic, it'll be fine.

Stop!

Putting your supplement
in the paper recycling

without removing the plastic sleeve
is a criminal offence.

We're putting a lid on
recycling box crime.

We're watching you with our cameras,
our vans, our helicopters,

our satellites and our network
of informants.

We're closing in, because if you put
supplements in the paper recycling

without removing the plastic
sleeve...

POLICE SIREN
Excuse me, sir.

The next sleeve you see
could be on a prison uniform.

Recycling. Think inside the box.

GRUNTING:

Argh.