Original subtitles

Adult mark: My father and I didn't play hockey

Or fix cars to bond.

We read the paper. [papers rustle]

- The old man was his own search engine.

- Oh, hell of an article here about the feds. Scissors.

Adult mark: He had stacks of newspaper clippings

That he would reference to write stories.

I, too, mined the headlines for fodder.

- [chuckles] hell of a good joke in this drabble cartoon.

Scissors?

Adult mark: Mom and pop got the news in a different way.

Mary: Oh, jean got a cab to work today. Hmph!

I heard she had a date with an oil rig worker.

I bet she left her car downtown last night,

And we all know what that means.

- Hey, mail truck stopped at the o'connors.

What's the date? 5th? - Mm...

- It's not the old age pension.

Ah... Welfare cheques are out. [chuckles]

- Poor john o'conner's been out of work for months.

He says it's his leg, but you know what I heard?

It's his elbow. - Hmm. [chuckles]

- Hey, mark, stop playing with your father.

You need to start practicing for your school play audition,

Hmm? - Audition?

What play are you doin'? - It's the easter carol.

It's the story of the resurrection, told--

- Through the eyes of the innkeeper

Who catered the last supper.

[laughs] they're still doin' that.

- You know it? - Know it? I was in it!

I played hamar, the innkeeper.

My teacher said that I was spectacular.

- Yeah. You were a spectacle, you mean.

That play was god awful. [mail thumps]

- What part are you trying out for, mark?

- Hamar, the innkeeper.

- [loud thud] same part! [paper thumps lightly]

I could help you to your run lines.

That's what we actors call rehearsing.

Adult mark: The old man was interested in me!

This was unprecedented.

- That'd be great.

- Chip off the old block. [paper flaps]

Pop: Oh, they're not cheques!

Oh no, it's a package! - What?

Now, why on earth would they be gettin' a package?

- Oh, well, mary, make us a cup o' tea, luv.

Looks like I'll be eating at the window today.

- First thing you gotta know, acting is pretending.

You might hear people say that acting is listening.

Don't listen, 'cause that'll throw you off.

- So, that's a table for thirteen, no reservation,

And you all wanna sit on one side?

Well, I'll see what I can do, but I'm, hmph,

I'm no miracle worker!

- Good! Good! Although try it a little louder!

You really ha' to project to your audience.

Pretend that there's a deaf old man in the back of the room.

- What? - Nothing.

Now, stand with your feet at quarter to and quarter after

To open yourself up for your audience.

And it's always a good idea

To address your audience with a little wave.

Say, "hello, audience!"

- Hello, audience! Goodbye, moron!

This play has always sucked. [footsteps recede]

- Never listen to the critics.

Don't mind him. He's just jealous.

We never had a special bond like you and I have.

- [sighs happily]

- I'm so proud of you, son,

And I know you're not gonna let me down.

Now, get in position,

Shoulders back,

And... Hello, audience!

- Hello, audience!

- Very good. - Oh.

- Feel the magic in the air?

- Yeah. - That's show business.

- [exhales sharply, then chuckles]

- Oh, your timing's off by a good five years, my luv.

Well, yes, I'm sure. Elizabeth critch died in--

- [panicked] dear god! Give me that!

Yes, hello? Uh, yes, this is patrick critch.

You were speaking to my wife, elizabeth.

Sadly, her mind has gone.

I know, luv, I know. It's a very sad situation,

But as you can see, she's very much alive...

[cord rattles, struggling grunts]

And stronger than she would appear.

Yeah--oh, oh, oh my god!

She's wandering towards the highway, I better go!

[handset clanks with force]

- Nanny is dead. - [grunts]

My darling elizabeth will always live on

Close to my heart.

More specifically, her pension will also live on

In my bank account,

Because I didn't report her as dead.

- Oh my god! - Oh, what's the big deal?!

The government ha' got plenty of money.

They didn't notice... Until recently.

- Is this the first time the cra has called here?

- Yeah-- what do you mean, today?

- Jesus in the jungle!

You will put an end to this,

Or I will reunite you with your wife

Sooner than you thought!

[footsteps recede]

♪♪♪

[plastic hockey sticks thwap]

Adult mark: In the gymnatorium, the nerds and the jocks

Were forced to walk the line between sports and art,

As if they were walking a tightrope.

Which, come to think of it, [players yell]

Is itself both a sport and an art.

[sticks thwap, shrill whistle blast]

- Would you kindly keep your balls to yourself

And away from my stage?

Mr. Byrne: Wha-- your stage?! This is my gym!

This is st. Brigid's.

Ball hockey is a religion! - Ugh!

- And my b'ys need practice just as much as your girls -

And mark and ritchie. [shrill whistle blast]

- What part are you trying for? Hamar? Casca?

- Stage manager! Or maybe props master.

Is it better to be a manager or a master?

- It's better to be a star!

You could try for casca the centurion?

It's only one line, but you'd be onstage

For almost the whole show.

- Nah, you're the actor.

I bet you get the lead;

You can really work a crowd. - I'm sure there's plenty

Of kids who'll give me a run for my money...

[shrill whistle blast] but thank you.

[ruler thwaps loudly]

- Tina, why don't you start us off?

[shrill whistle blast, indistinct chatter]

- [quietly] "sorry, centurion.

There are no... Free refills."

[shrill whistle blast]

Adult mark: Oh, tina.

I guess her dad never told her about the deaf old man.

[shrill whistle blast]

This was a lock.

- Oh! Anything for me? - Uh... Let me check.

Bills... [mail rustles]

Magazine for mom. - Mm-hmm.

- And cpp for you and-- - what?!

- Elizabeth critch. - Give me that!

- Grandma? - What do you read my mail for?

That's a federal offense! - You asked me to.

- Aye, well, why aren't you at school?

Ah, you-- go on with ya

Before I rat you out for being on the pip.

- You're welcome.

- What are you goin' on about?

- Nothing!

[marching band music plays]

- What fresh hell is this?

♪♪♪

[shrill whistle blast]

Lovely, dear.

[shoes squeak, players grunt and yell]

Who's next? Mark.

[piano intro plays]

[players shout, sticks thwap]

- Centurion! I recognize the man you describe!

He's upstairs with a dozen of his friends.

Cheap bunch.

They ordered one fish, a loaf, and a jug of water,

And want thirteen different bills.

Go on in! Get those bums out of here!

Adult mark: And the oscar goes to...

- It's nice, mark.

Adult mark: Nice?! I killed it!

She was probably downplaying it

So the other kids wouldn't feel totally inferior.

[hard whack, ball thuds] - ow!

[everyone laughs]

- That's it! I warned you. - Ow!

- Your ball is mine now, byrne!

- Hey, I need that to finish the game!

- And I need more kids for this play.

Whoever shot this ball is in the play

Or you're not getting your ball back, sir.

- Yeah, sure, sounds fair.

Go on, fox. - No way! I'm the best player!

- Now!

[stick clatters] - you're dead for this, critch.

- You're the one who hit me!

- Come on, up you go.

[players chuckle]

[script rustles] - move!

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music plays]

- [readying exhale]

[angrily] they're just poor men!

Why should I have to serve them?

When do I get a break?!

Someone should serve me!

[dramatic music swells, then fades]

- [gasps] the intensity!

Bravo!

[hands clap lightly]

[stunned laugh]

- She's amazing.

- It was a little big.

- What about you, ritchie?

- Oh, rit-ritchie's more of a props guy.

Heart of gold, but he isn't an actor like me.

- Oh, he isn't, is he?

- He's just not cut out for stage work.

He's a behind-the-scenes guy.

Heart and soul of the operation.

- I've made my decision.

Fox will play the innkeeper's wife

And ritchie will be hamar, the innkeeper.

- Me? - Him?!

But he didn't even audition!

- Well, maybe he would have

If you had been more supportive, mark.

Or should I say, casca the centurion.

- Casca?! But... He only has one line

And it... It's terrible.

- Well, that will give you more time

To learn a lesson about humility.

[chair scrapes back] - so I'm, I'm doing this now?

- Yes.

Adult mark: Humility... Or humiliation?

[rock music plays]

♪♪♪

[door clicks open and bangs shut]

- So... [chuckles excitedly] how'd the auditions go?

- Uh, mm... Okay, I guess.

- Better than okay, I hope, after all that coaching.

So, did you get it - hamar?

- Actually, [sighs] I...

Adult mark: I wanted to be an actor.

- I'm... Yes, I'm... I'm hamar!

- [excited] hamar! Ha-ha!

Adult mark: And after all,

What is an actor but a glorified liar?

- Like father, like son! - Hmm.

Adult mark: If only sister margaret

Had seen that performance. [lunchbox thumps]

O: ♪ anything is possible ♪

[cars rumble past]

♪ I believe it's true

- Mary, look at the way he carries that plate.

Such authenticity!

I really feel like I'm in a restaurant.

- Yes, I can see by the way you expect to be served.

- Do I have to go to this play? - No!

Uh, the arts aren't for everyone.

In fact, all o' you can skip it if you want.

- [snorts softly] - great!

I'm going to the movies. - You'll do no such thing!

Your brother is starring in a theatrical production.

- Dad, it's really not that big a deal.

- It is to me.

We are all gonna go see that play,

And I don't wanna hear another word about it,

Understood? Both: Yes.

Radio: ♪ always look on the bright side ♪

♪ and take a happy sound

[phone rings, running footsteps]

[handset clatters] - good day. Critch residence.

[gasps] elizabeth critch? - Hey.

- She can't come to the phone. She's lying down.

One might say... She's dead to the world.

Oh, I see. Yes.

Thank you. [handset clicks]

- [hands tap] I owe you, mary.

'course, I won't be able to pay you

Until the next cheque comes.

- They wanna talk to her.

- What?! - That's right.

The cra needs to confirm her identity

And they're gonna call back tomorrow.

- Sweet jesus!

What am I gonna do? - Oh!

Well, I for one, cannot wait to find out.

[handset rattles roughly] - ugh.

Uh... Uh...

I mean, I... I have an idea,

Because you know how much elizabeth loved you.

- Yes.

- I mean, she told me many times you were her favourite.

- Mm-hmm. - I mean, really loved you.

So perhaps... I mean...

I think you'll agree to this, it would be very simple if...

You pretend to be elizabeth. - Oh, pop!

- Oh, no, no, no. No, I-I-I-

I swear, I swear,

I'll report you -

I mean, her dead next week.

You have my word on it.

- Now, ritchie, I hope you've memorized your lines.

You're our little star.

- Don't worry, sister.

My dad's been helping me learn them.

- Oh, he must be very proud.

Adult mark: As ritchie's love of the stage grew,

Mine faded like a broken spotlight.

Sister margaret: Action!

- [woodenly] there you are, dear wife!

How goes it in the party room?

- Not great, hamar.

They're all sitting on the same side of the table.

- That table should seat twenty-four!

We need the space,

It's thirsty Thursday!

Adult mark: Ritchie was so bad

That even sister margaret was having trouble

Believing in the bible.

- So... What'd you think?

- Uh... Very interesting choices.

I mean, I... I wouldn't make them myself,

But who cares what everyone else thinks, right?

- Was it that bad?

[marker squeaks]

Maybe you should just do it then.

Adult mark: Time to steal the spotlight!

- I guess. I mean, if you told sister margaret

You really, really don't wanna be hamar,

I... Could do it.

You could still do props!

It's a win-win.

Fox: Sister!

Mark's trying to get ritchie to drop out and do props.

- That's a lie! Adult mark: That was the truth.

- Since you seem to be having trouble learning humility,

I'll help you: You're out of the play altogether.

- Uh, I need to learn that humility stuff.

Kick me out, too, sister!

- Please, I'll do anything!

- Okay, you can do the job

You're so anxious for ritchie to do:

Props.

Now, ritchie, let's take it from the...

"no shoes, no service" foot washing scene.

- I like that scene.

- And this time, don't be afraid to act.

- [woodenly] no shoes, no service.

Sister margaret: Jesus, mary, and joseph.

[car rumbles] mike sr.: Come on, will ya?!

The play starts in half an hour!

What's the hold up?! - I waiting for a phone call,

But... [sighs] I guess we'd better go.

- [yelling] mike, get in the car!

[phone rings]

[running footsteps]

- Name? - Elizabeth critch.

- Birthday? - June 29th.

- Really? I wasn't even in the ballpark.

- I don't think I can do this. - Yes, you can!

Nobody better at talking about other people than you!

You were born for this moment. [phone continues ringing]

[handset rattles] - hello?

[clears throat] yes, this is elizabeth critch.

Well, of course I'm alive! Doesn't it sound like it?

- Yes, yes!

June 29th, 1908. I remember like it was yesterday.

[giggles lightly]

Oh, don't go telling anyone [gasps] my age

Because I still get carded at the liquor store

When the light is right. - [laughs quietly]

- Oh! Oh, I'm feeling feverish. - What?

Oh, I'm having... [gasps] trouble breathing.

[gasps for breath] oh, there's a light

And a tunnel - daddy, is that you?

I am going to the light now, bye!

[handset clangs loudly] - wha--

- I guess that's it. [phone rings]

Hmm? - Mm...

[handset rattles] hello? Yes.

This is he.

Oh, my wife, uh... Passed.

So don't send anymore cheques...

Unless... Elizabeth, are you rallying?

- [hard slap] just-- - no, no, no, um...

Dead as a dodo.

Yes, well, have a nice day.

[handset clicks]

Why bother going to the theatre?

- [laughs] - I... I mean that was...

The best acting I ever saw in this town

Was that tonight. - [laughs]

- That was brilliant.

[laughs goofily, horn blasts outside]

Off you go.

- Aww, aren't you coming?

- No. No,

I have someone I need to see.

Mm. [chuckles softly, then sighs]

[door bangs shut]

♪♪♪

Adult mark: Opening night.

In mere moments, the curtain would go up

And the spotlight would hit the stage,

Illuminating my lies to the world.

I had no idea what my end game was.

Mary: Love your dress. Oh, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.

Mike sr.: Made it. It's a big night!

- Yes, yes. You know, it's not everyday

That your son is the star. - [chuckles]

Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

[camera whirs]

- I know you must be nervous. - No.

- I know you're probably terrified

You'll forget a line.

- Nope. I know 'em all.

- I can't imagine what's going on inside your stomach.

- I'm getting pizza after.

Adult mark: It was useless. He was unflappable.

And as much as I wanted the part,

I wanted ritchie to be happy even more.

- I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

And I know you'll be the best hamar ever.

- Thanks. - You're gonna be great.

Just had a look.

There's a load of people out there.

[sighs heavily]

I guess... I'll go back to props.

[camera beeps and whirs, indistinct chatter]

Adult mark: Ritchie had gotten over his stage fright

And discovered his audience fright.

[stomach rumbles loudly]

[low, indistinct murmurs]

[middle eastern music plays]

[audience applauds and whistles]

- Welcome. Table for one?

Gary: Party of thirteen! Judas is the name.

There's more where this came from.

[coin clatters]

[audience titters and murmurs]

Adult mark: I had been jealous of ritchie

But, in that moment, I sure did not wanna be him.

[tense music plays]

Adult mark: I had been dying to play hamar,

But ritchie was dying on stage.

Fox: I said, where shall we seat him?

Audience: [indistinct murmurs]

Adult mark: I had to do something.

- [whispering loudly] ritchie!

"do you have a reservation?"

Audience: [indistinct murmurs]

Mark: Ritchie! Ritchie!

Ritchie! "do you have a reservation?"

Fox: I said, where shall we seat him, hamar?

[camera whirs, audience murmurs]

- This isn't how the play goes. They're making an arse of it.

- Shhh! - Oh, shush yourself, ya hussy!

- Will you shut it?! - Oh, stuff it!

- Shut your face! - You're always in the middle.

- Oh, please.

Adult mark: My best friend needed help!

I couldn't take it anymore.

I had to act. Literally.

- [blows out his breath] - not so fast!

Stay the hell off my stage! - Ritchie needs me!

[struggling grunts]

[mark grunts, light thump, tray clatters]

Parent: Where'd he come from? - Oh my!

[audience murmurs] [camera whirs]

Adult mark: At least nobody was looking at ritchie anymore.

- Hi. [audience titters]

- [sighs heavily]

- Audience! Welcome to the show!

It is I, casca, the roman centurion

Who, who... Also picks up a couple shifts

Here at the restaurant. [audience laughs]

Adult mark: I wanted to be a comedian,

So why not be a rodeo clown?

- What?!

- Who wants bread?

Adult mark: Some would say I was stalling to help my friend,

Others might say I was being a ham.

Either way, this would be the first last supper scene ever

With a happy ending. - Get in here!

- Oh... Nice place you got here.

Ever think of doin' a... A theme night?

I guess toga parties would be...

Too on the nose. [everyone laughs]

Adult mark: These weren't the lines

I'd practiced with my father, but he didn't seem to mind.

- Would it! [audience laughs]

- Get in.

Adult mark: And ritchie, staying on theme,

He rose again.

- Do you have a reservation? - Nailed it!

[audience laughs and claps]

Adult mark: Life is a lot like a play.

We all play different parts, depending on who we're with.

But there's no pretending to be someone you're not

Around your family. - Do you have a reservation?

- [clapping] yeah, bravo!

Bravo! Take a bow!

Adult mark: Dad turned out to be my biggest fan.

- All right, couple o' notes.

Adult mark: And he was the only audience I ever really wanted.

- If you're gonna take a bow, you really wanna sweep

The floor with your hand, like that. Give it a try.

A little lower. Always get out there,

And then just bask.

[heartwarming music plays]

Adult mark: But the real actor in the family

Was the one acting like he was tougher

Than he really was.

- My beautiful girl.

♪♪♪

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