Original subtitles

Adult mark: Halloween.

There was no better time of year for a theatrical boy

Than one that mandated costumes.

[chalk thumps]

- Now, who can tell me

What important day is upon us?

Mm. - Halloween!

It's gonna be awesome.

I'm sleeping over at ritchie's.

[students laugh]

[spooky slow Halloween music plays]

- I was referring to all saint's day.

- We're in grade seven!

Halloween is for kindergarten babies.

- But Halloween's fun.

Zombies, witches, ghosts.

- The only ghost you should concern yourself with

Is the holy one.

And the only 'zombie' I know of is lazarus,

Whom christ himself raised from the dead.

- Uh, I think what sister rose is trying to say, children,

Is there's nothing to be afraid of.

- Yes, sister. When you die, children,

There are only two possible destinations:

The eternal light of heaven

Or the eternal flames of hell.

[students murmur nervously]

Adult mark: Who needed dracula to give you nightmares

When you had nuns.

♪♪♪

[low hum of chatter]

Ritchie: What am I gonna do with my costume now?

Mark: What do you mean? You're gonna wear it.

Who cares what they think?

- Me. Like, a lot.

- Gimme some.

- Isn't begging for junk food for "kindergarten babies?"

- But this could be our last year trick-or-treating.

Come with us.

- I guess I could go for a bit.

I don't have a costume, and I'd need a mask -

So nobody sees me with you.

- They have chocolate bars as big as dogs on my street.

- Okay, okay, I'm in.

[chip bag rustles]

- [chips crunch loudly] in for what?

- She's coming trick or treating with us.

- [snickers] you are, are ya?

You taking yer sooky bottle too?

[chair scrapes back] - frig off!

I never said I was going with them.

Follow them and take all their candy.

- Wait. Let me get this straight.

You're gonna follow us house to house,

But instead of taking free candy,

You're gonna steal ours?

- Exactly.

- I rescind my invitation.

[students chuckle nearby]

- Watch your backs tonight, dicks.

[light thump]

- [snickering] dicks. - [whispers] sorry.

- I don't wanna go anymore.

- New strategy.

We trick-or-treat by my house.

No way the foxes can get to us out there.

- [snorts] no offense, but there aren't any houses.

- Pffft!

I have my sources.

[creepy organ music plays]

- Shockin'! This spider's seen better days!

- Mm. Well, it's still got two good legs

And an arse full of web.

Mm. Sounds a bit like myself.

I'm a bit more worried about the candy.

We're down to our last couple of fistfuls.

- Oh, well, I wonder why that is, ya greedy bugger!

Leave some for the kids. Mike jr.: What kids?

Nobody ever comes trick or treatin' out here.

- That's right! Waste not, want not!

[door clicks shut]

[laughing, footsteps tap across the floor]

- Oh! Let's get a look at you, boys.

Pop: Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Adult mark: Ah, the plastic smock costumes

Of '80s childhood!

I couldn't wait to show it off.

- Oh, you'll freeze your arse off!

- Wha-- [frustrated sigh]

[hangers clatter]

- Mom! Nobody'll see our costumes!

- That wind'll cut you in half.

[jacket rustles] here.

Put that on!

You be careful out on that road.

We live on a four-lane highway, for god's sake.

Imagine your mother's face

If we sent you home looking like roadkill, hmm?

- You think we can get run over?

- No! - Absolutely.

Pop: [gleeful] it's the fairies.

They're a real danger on days like this.

Adult mark: Some of the old folks still believed

In the old irish folktales

Of the 'little people' who lived in the woods.

- The fairies get mad on all soul's night.

Mike jr.: Ah, here he goes.

- Oh no, it's all right, you can laugh all you want,

But it's true.

And stay outta those woods or they'll run after ya.

And disguising yourself as one of them,

That's not gonna help.

- We're smurfs.

- Here. Put this bread in your pocket.

[jacket rustles] and you, too.

Nah-uh. Come on.

- Why do we need bread when we're getting candy?

- It's not for you, laddie.

It's for the fairies.

Many a child has gone missing in those woods.

Mary: [laughing] give it up, pop.

You're scarin' him. - [chuckles gleefully]

- Never you mind.

The only thing you have to worry about

Is some sick bastard putting razor blades in your candy.

Or a car pulling up

And snatching you off to god knows where.

Adult mark: Mom had a way of comforting you

That somehow made everything worse.

- Oh, people are sick these days, I tell ya.

Sick! [pop chuckles]

- M-maybe we should go to my house.

- Oh, pop, you've got this youngster scared to death!

- Well, you never know what's waiting for you out there

In the cold, dark night.

- [yells] jesus murphy! - What?

- [screams] ohhh! No!

- Is that fairies?

- Oh, it's just a big, bloody ol' moose!

Oh, you... You dirty big bugger! Get!

Get outta here!

Adult mark: Some people had to deal with stray cats.

Where we lived, it was stray moose.

[door squeaks open, pot clanks]

- Go on now, before I put your head on the wall, ya bastard!

- Get! Oh, you big dumb moose, get outta here!

[pot clanks, pop yells] - oh.

- So, what do you say? Wanna go trick-or-treating?

Mary: Oh! Go on! Go away!

[pot clanks] get, get, get, get! Oh...

[pot clanks]

- Ah, asshole.

[door slams shut]

Adult mark: Most kids trick-or treated on their street,

But my street was the trans-canada highway.

[car rumbles past] ritchie: That one felt close.

Didn't it feel close? - Would ya relax?

There's nothing to be scared of.

[loud rumble, horn honks]

[blazer rumbles to a halt, gearshift clunks]

- Evenin', boys. Need a lift?

- We're okay, dad.

- Is this the pumpkin patrol? Cool!

Adult mark: Each year, dad and dick drove around

Passing out treats and keeping kids safe from everything

Except type 2 diabetes.

Dick: That's right.

Vocm, coming at you, live, all night,

Keeping the ghosts and goblins safe!

Arrive alive!

[ritchie gasps, bag rustles and thumps]

- Ow... - Great costumes.

You guys a couple of blueberries?

- We're smurfs.

- I'm a sexy fireman!

- Dick! Youngsters!

- I mean, I'm a fireman.

Mike sr.: You sure you boys are all right?

- We are fine, dad!

- I know, I know. It's just your mother was worried is all.

- Gotta go, mike. We got candy to give out!

- Here. Pick me up a pack of smokes

When you get to the gas station!

[gearshift clunks, blazer rumbles away]

Adult mark: Smokes money from dad wasn't technically a treat,

But it was a start.

- Now, ye crowd behave yourselves

While I'm taking your little brother out!

If there's any trouble, I'll be shipping ya off

To your father's. I mean it!

- Frig off, ya sooky babies!

- Oh, stop it! Tsk, tsk, tsk!

You taught him that, didn't ya?!

[car rumbles away] [snickering]

- Guys! You heard her.

If you wanna start staying at mom's house more,

You better listen.

- Trick or treat? I says "trick!"

[footsteps thud]

[hard whack]

Brothers: [laugh]

Adult mark: It's tough trick or-treating at your neighbours

When your closest neighbour is a car lot.

Boys: Trick or treat! - What do we got here?

A couple of woodland fairies?

Mark: Something like that.

Wacky wesley: Uh, well, okay. Th-this is a car lot.

I wasn't exactly ready for trick-or-treaters.

Ah! There we go!

- Certs. Oh, and cough drops!

Good!

You know, I was starting to get a little tickle in my throat.

Score!

- Don't eat 'em all at once, boys.

[spooky music plays]

[footsteps trudge]

- An air freshener,

Double a batteries,

A free tire rotation with every oil

And filter change.

- It's all year round. Good, they finally changed that.

[crow caws in the distance]

- Should we just go home?

Maybe we are too old for Halloween,

'cause this sucks.

[crow caws in the distance]

- Okay, let's go.

I know a shortcut.

- What about the fairies?

- Fairies aren't real. Kidnappers are though.

[spooky music plays]

[crow caws, distant scream]

Adult mark: We were down in the dumps,

So why not take a shortcut through the dump?

♪♪♪

The ol' dump in the woods was where things went

Before the environment was invented.

Ritchie: [whispers] mark. Mark: [laboured breathing]

[car idles]

Adult mark: Everything ended up there -

Cars, refrigerators -

But I had never seen anyone dump a body there before.

Ritchie: [screams] oh my god!

[rug thumps]

Boys: [gasp]

[tense music plays]

[footsteps crunch]

Man: Oh jesus! Fairies! Boys: [screaming]

Men: [screaming]

All: [screaming in terror]

Adult mark: You know you live in the boonies

When people feel comfortable dropping a dead body

Next to your house.

Door handle rattles]

[knocking at the door, door handle rattles]

- Oh, we got some kids! [mary laughs excitedly]

[door clicks open]

[running footsteps, door bangs shut]

Mike jr.: No, it's just them. Told ya!

- Aw, look at 'em all worn out. How was your night?

- [wheezing] dead... Body...

- So... Much... Blood.

- What're you talking about?

- We... We saw someone to-tossing a dead body

In... In the dump!

- Oh, come off it. They're lying.

- We did! Honest!

[wolf howls on tv]

- Do you boys swear you're telling the truth?

Adult mark: Finally, someone was taking us seriously.

[glass shatters, woman screams on tv]

- [triumphantly] I knew it!

I said something terrible would happen tonight,

And it did! I was right! [laughs gleefully]

Boys: [breathing hard]

- Oh, but I'm glad that you boys are safe though.

Yeah, that's good.

[chainsaw buzzes on tv, boys catch their breath]

[hard whack, plastic bones scatter]

Brothers: [laughing gleefully]

[dog barks nearby, brothers sigh]

Adult mark: Fox may not have outgrown Halloween,

But she had outgrown her brothers.

[kids chatter, brothers chortle]

- Wait!

Leave 'em alone. I'll tell mom.

- You'd love to have us shipped off to dad's, wouldn't you?

- She thinks she's too good for us.

- I'm here with you now, aren't I?

- Here, then. [bat clatters]

These have been out in the sun for 3 weeks.

- Ha! Gross! Chicken poo! [moronic laugh]

- This place looks like it could use a little stinking up.

[kids laugh and chatter in the distance]

Kid: Thank you! Kid 2: Thanks!

Adult mark: Ritchie's house.

Fox was torn - friends or family?

- You can't go easy on someone, just 'cause you knows 'em.

[tense music plays]

Adult mark: The choice was clear.

[music intensifies]

[egg smashes]

♪♪♪

[egg smashes, vehicle approaches]

Cops! Run! [siren wails]

- Attention, vandals! You've been caught egg-handed!

[blazer door squeaks open, low chatter over cb radio]

Middle fox: What're you gonna do, buddy?

Pull out your hose?

Boo! [laughs]

- Mike! Roll up the window. - Get him!

- Here! Beat it! - Suckers!

[snickering] - frig off, loser!

- [over pa system] man down! Request backup! Man down!

[eggs smash] - suck it, fireman!

[brothers snicker]

[loon cries, owl hoots]

[dog barks in the distance]

- So it was a black sedan, was it?

[footsteps approach] - good god!

What's going on here?

- I'm a sexy fireman.

- [annoyed sigh]

- They said they saw a dead body,

But they're lyin'.

- Negative. I took a look at the scene

And I found car tracks and a trail of blood.

They saw something. - Can I quote you on that?

- Are you mad? This is our son!

- It's not every day you get a scoop

In your own living room.

- What if they were spotted? They could be in danger!

- Don't worry, we will be taking precautions.

I will see to that personally. I'll be in touch.

- Uh, you can call me at the station.

- About the boys, mike. - [sighs]

[footsteps recede]

- Have it all.

You deserve it, kids. Boys: [gasp]

- Oh my god! - [laughing excitedly]

Adult mark: Candy? Dead body? Cops?!

Halloween at my house did not suck after all.

[rock music plays]

♪♪♪

♪ oh

♪♪♪

♪ mmm

Adult mark: Ritchie and I had never felt cooler.

We had more candy than willy wonka,

And a tale to tell that was even sweeter.

- No way! - Yes way.

Then... A human arm falls out!

Students: [gasp] - [quietly] totally... Dead!

- That's so cool. - [coughs] never happened!

- Yes, it did! - I believe ritchie.

He doesn't make stuff up.

- Whatever. Lame!

- Right, our night was lame. What did you do?

[kids murmur quietly, bell rings]

Sister rose: Children.

[footsteps thud, chairs scrape]

I wanted to take a moment to introduce you

To officer butt.

[students snicker] sister margaret: Settle!

Do you think he doesn't already know he has a stupid name?

Officer, go ahead.

- Last night, two unnamed children witnessed a crime.

They bravely came forward,

Putting their lives in grave danger.

For their own safety,

We will not reveal who they are.

Their identities must remain secret.

Until the danger's passed,

I will stay here with you all

To ensure mark and ritchie's safety.

[students murmur and giggle]

Adult mark: Officer butt was no columbo,

But there wasn't much crime where I lived,

And as trick-or-treating teaches us,

Beggars can't be choosers.

[chair scrapes loudly]

Ritchie and I had been picked on our whole life,

But now we had a bodyguard!

We were untouchable!

- Hey! Watch it!

- Yeah, wouldn't wanna get our bodyguard to rough you up.

- I'm not gonna do that.

[low hum of chatter]

♪♪♪

- Move it, loser. This is our table.

- Hey! I was here first.

- [laughs] you gonna rat on us?

- Yeah, right. She wouldn't dare.

- [snickering]

Adult mark: The back table was the exclusive territory

Of the toughest kids in school,

But we had a police escort.

♪♪♪

- Mind if we sit here, gentlemen?

- [clears throat]

[chairs scrape and clatter]

[rock music plays]

- [annoyed growl]

- Gobstopper, ritchie m'boy?

- Don't mind if I do.

[gobstoppers tap] - cheers to that.

Adult mark: I was the silverback gorilla.

It felt good to be the king of the castle for once.

[bell rings]

Sister margaret: All right, we have north america,

Central america

And south america.

[candy wrapper rustles] mark critch!

There is no eating candy in class!

- Officer butt is doing it.

[students laugh, sister margaret sighs]

Can anyone tell me--

- You see how the map is all different colours?

Is earth all different colours like that in real life?

[students chuckle]

Like, from space?

- No wonder they don't let you have a gun.

- Do so have a gun.

I just don't have it all the time.

[students laugh] vice principal: Officer butt,

Please report to the principal's office.

Students: [jeering] oooooooh!

[footsteps thud]

[students titter]

[door clicks open] - I'm sure it's nothing.

[door clicks shut]

- I can't stay long. I'm supposed to be in school.

So, what's so important?

- I'm not so sure there was a body here after all.

- Mike, leave the investigation to the professionals.

I mean...

Clearly, there are signs of a struggle.

You see how the grass has all flattened out...

Where they dragged the body away.

Follow the blood splatters.

Here and here.

Poor soul must have been wounded.

They might even have been shot.

We did find a shell casing.

I mean, how else would blood have gotten all over the grass?

- Maybe we should ask him?

[vocm news service music plays] breaking news!

The police apprehended two poachers just moments ago.

The two men were tossing garbage Halloween night

When they spied a juvenile moose.

[glass clatters]

Though they had a moose license,

They did not have tags for hunting within city limits.

[loads shotgun]

Nevertheless, the two culprits executed the animal

In cold blood, [shotgun fires]

Setting into motion a nefarious plan.

The hooligans then set about butchering the beast,

Transforming the peaceful grassland into an abattoir.

They then removed the carcass under cloak of darkness.

Ritchie: Oh my god! [heavy thud]

Mike sr.: But their crime spree was foiled,

Thanks to the actions of two intrepid youths

Who startled the assassins,

Who mistook the boys for woodland fairies.

Man: Oh jesus! Fairies! Boys: [screaming]

All: [screaming]

Mike sr.: The authorities were able to locate

The suspect vehicle and the illegally gained moose meat.

This is mike critch, for the vocm news service.

[students chatter]

- We've made so many enemies.

- Come on, gentlemen,

Nothing a little... Candy can't fix.

- Cop's gone home, is he?

Now you're gonna get it. [knuckles crack]

Adult mark: The cavalry!

- Officer butt! You're back! - Nope.

Just forgot my notebook,

And somebody said they were handing out freezies.

See you around.

- Uh, by the way,

My brothers are the ones who egged all the houses

On cook street Halloween night.

- Oh, really.

- Oh! - Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

You can't run from the law!

- You squealed on your own brothers?

- That's cold. - I have my reasons.

- You're gonna steal our candy now, aren't you?

- Yeah. [wrapper rustles]

- Did not expect that. - Nope.

Adult mark: It's natural to be scared,

But the monster you're most afraid of...

[birds chirp]

- Don't say I didn't warn ya!

Well, your father will have to deal with ya now, won't he?

Come on you.

Ungh. We got a show to watch.

Adult mark: Is probably only scary

Because it's scared of something, too.

Fox: [indistinct chatter]

Adult mark: And the things we once thought were monsters,

Aren't really scary at all,

Once we know them for what they really are.

- Well, thank god.

I thought I'd gone and got ya killed.

[moose grunts]

All right now, just go on,

Get on outta here! Shoo!

Shoo! [moose grunts]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪