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1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:01,967
[truck horn blares]
2
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:03,435
- Adult mark (vo): Growing up,
3
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,503
The most popular room was also the smallest
4
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:08,039
But it had the best seat in the house.
5
00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:09,841
- Pop: Occupied!
6
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:11,342
Occupied!
7
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,912
- Mike sr.:
Occupied!
8
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,648
- Pop: Sweet jesus,
I've seen it all before!
9
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,918
- The only way to avoid getting in each other's way
10
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,920
Was to gather in the flickering glow
11
00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:24,523
Of the modern fireplace and ignore each other...
12
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:26,825
Together as a family.
13
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:28,427
[laughter]
14
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,529
When kids my age were watching alf,
15
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:32,363
I was memorizing bob hope routines.
16
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,201
- I didn't know why the baseball
was getting bigger and bigger
17
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,969
And bigger;
then it hit me.
18
00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:39,838
[laughter]
19
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,240
[upbeat jazz music]
20
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,142
Thank you very much.
21
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,145
Thank you very much.
22
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,547
- The schoolyard was what we comedians might call
23
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,916
A "tough room".
24
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,451
- Hey, fellas.
25
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,352
Man is it cold today,
or what?
26
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,888
You know, it's so cold
the politicians
27
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:58,090
Have their hands
in their own pockets!
28
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,491
[mark chuckles]
29
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,927
Say, fellas,
30
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:04,897
Did you catch that
bob hope birthday tribute
31
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,365
Last night on tv?
32
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,565
You know you're
getting old
33
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,301
When the candles
cost more than the cake,
34
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,835
Am I right?
35
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,139
- This stuff killed at home, but on the schoolyard
36
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,675
It could very well end up getting me killed.
37
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,710
- You losers want to hear
something really funny?
38
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,945
- Gary: Eddie murphy!
39
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,513
Whoa, I hear this is filthy!
40
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:22,881
- Where'd you get that?
41
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,316
- It's my dad's.
42
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,652
Mom's gone on vacation
with her dumb-ass new boyfriend
43
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,654
So I have to stay
at his house.
44
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,055
[boys laughing]
45
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,924
- What's so funny?
46
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,729
- I had never heard language like that before.
47
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,797
Not even that time pop fell asleep
48
00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,266
With a lit smoke in his mouth.
49
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,601
- Your father lets you
listen to language like that?
50
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,103
- He doesn't care.
He's never home.
51
00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:46,572
- Gary: Give it back.
52
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,741
[boys laughing]
53
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,811
- Clearly, it was time to freshen up my act.
54
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,712
- Exciting news,
children.
55
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,883
The school will be holding
a public speaking contest
56
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,186
And though the bible
tells us to judge not,
57
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,889
Sister rose and I
will be doing just that.
58
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,993
It will be happening
one week from today
59
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,829
In the gymnatorium
on the main stage.
60
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,764
- Finally! A stage.
61
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,499
Comedy in front of nuns?
62
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,234
Now, that was my crowd.
63
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,103
- Thank you.
Thank you.
64
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:19,504
How are ya, folks?
65
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,373
Sisters, fathers,
brothers.
66
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,375
I guess you could say
the whole family is here!
67
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,243
Even the bishop made it.
68
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,612
And he can only move
diagonally.
69
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,581
You're a
great crowd.
70
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,116
I really mean that!
71
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,684
[cheering; clapping]
72
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,519
- Mark! Mark! Mark!
73
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,223
- Mark?
74
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:42,060
As I was saying, if any of you
would like to participate,
75
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:45,464
Please see sister rose
to register after school
76
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,831
In the music room.
77
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,100
- After school?
78
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:50,802
I had put my career on hold long enough.
79
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,205
- Sister, may I
be excused?
80
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,606
[breathing heavily]
81
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,808
I left my inhaler
in my coat.
82
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,443
- You can
borrow mine.
83
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,144
- (whispered)
shut up.
84
00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,446
- Be quick about it.
85
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,181
- He's not quick
about anything.
86
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,120
- A vow of celibacy meant the only passion
87
00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:09,955
In sister rose's life was music.
88
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,458
- Sister rose.
89
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,295
Mark critch.
Such a fan of your work.
90
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:19,965
A principal who also volunteers
for music and public speaking?
91
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,433
[exhales]
92
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,834
Where do you
find the time?
93
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,136
- Speaking of...
- Hmm?
94
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,838
- I would like to register
for the contest!
95
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,706
- You're ritchie perez's
little friend.
96
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,509
Yes, you'll do nicely.
97
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,645
- I guess I do have
a way with words.
98
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,146
- Oh, no,
not that.
99
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:38,016
As you know, mr. Critch,
I conduct the school orchestra.
100
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:39,918
I need a
second cellist.
101
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,221
And now you show up
out of the blue.
102
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:46,190
Yes, this is
divine intervention.
103
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,892
Your friend,
ritchie, plays
104
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:50,462
And now you will play
the cello as well.
105
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,964
- Play cello? In my school?
106
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,699
This was a death sentence.
107
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,868
- Sister,
I'm flattered,
108
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,270
Obviously.
109
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,638
I truly am
110
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,340
But I'm really trying to focus
on my comedy right now.
111
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,142
So, about the contest--
112
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:05,711
- Oh, I'm not asking,
mr. Critch.
113
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,345
- Desperate for warm bodies,
114
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,213
The nuns had turned to conscription.
115
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,548
I'd been drafted.
116
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:14,152
- Rehearsals are tuesdays
and thursdays at lunch.
117
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,154
Do not be late.
118
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,155
- Uhh...
119
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,157
I'm a big fan of lunch
in general.
120
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,026
It's what I call
'me time'.
121
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:21,960
Maybe--
122
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,628
- If you do not
play the cello,
123
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,531
There will be no
speaking contest for you.
124
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,033
- Checkmate.
125
00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:31,436
- And mark?
126
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,371
Are you
127
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,575
Any relation
to a mr. Patrick critch?
128
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,710
- He's my grandfather.
129
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,945
- Do say hello for me.
130
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,319
- I couldn't sleep.
131
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,855
My dream had become a nightmare.
132
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,323
[cheering;
applause]
133
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,457
- Hey!
134
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,859
Let me hear
some noise!
135
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,761
[whoops]
136
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,995
Aren't nuns stupid?
137
00:04:58,032 --> 00:05:00,198
Nun said she saw me runnin'
in the hall the other day.
138
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,399
Know what
I told her?
139
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,268
I told her
it wasn't me!
140
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,135
Look at me.
141
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,403
Do I look
like I run?
142
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,072
I'm so lazy,
I sweat gravy!
143
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,707
[booing]
144
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,174
[dark music]
145
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,214
- Now, what's wrong
with you?
146
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,217
You got a face on ya
like a boiled boot.
147
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,620
- Our nun principal
is making me play the cello.
148
00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:25,423
And she said to say
hello to you.
149
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,958
Sister rose?
150
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,261
- Sister rose.
151
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:35,533
Oh, that's a long time
since I've heard that name.
152
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,370
Here.
153
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,038
- I want to
be a comedian.
154
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,973
I don't want to be
some dumb cellist.
155
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,241
- Mm-hm, here.
156
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,843
Everyone will
laugh at me!
157
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,911
- I'll get you out of it.
I'll write you a note.
158
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,713
- That's awesome!
159
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,649
- You know, she's not as bad
as she looks.
160
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:52,917
- Thanks, pop.
161
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,386
- This should do it.
162
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,289
Here you are.
Now...
163
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:00,125
Don't open it!
164
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,127
It's strongly worded.
165
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,133
- What are you
up to?
166
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:11,336
- I can't show an interest
in my grandson's well-being
167
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,739
Without there being
some ulterior motive?
168
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,342
- Not usually, no.
169
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:18,810
[cello notes]
170
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,816
- You're not even trying.
- I hate this!
171
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,384
It's your fault
that I'm here.
172
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,653
- I'm not apologizing
for being your friend.
173
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,822
Besides, I'm glad
you're here.
174
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,091
My parents make me play
and I'm not very good.
175
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,493
But with you
next to me,
176
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:35,961
I'm going to look
way better.
177
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,562
- Nice.
178
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,031
- Huh, first thing
is how you hold the bow:
179
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,567
Make sure your thumb
and number two finger
180
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,835
Are across
from each other.
181
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,436
- You know what finger
I'm about to use?
182
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,605
- Mark!
183
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,707
- It was nice
playing with you.
184
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,274
Good luck with it.
185
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,179
I'm so sorry
to do this
186
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,581
But I have to quit.
187
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,850
I'm afraid my schedule
simply does not allow.
188
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,220
I have a note.
189
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:08,025
[pop clears
his throat]
190
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,727
- Pop (vo): Dear sister rose,
191
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,329
Or "rosie"
192
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,465
As I knew you then when life was new
193
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:15,934
And love was everything.
194
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,870
Do you remember that first kiss
195
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,705
Beneath the church bell tower?
196
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,943
The orange I gave you was as stolen as the kiss
197
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,613
But it was all I had to offer you, rosie.
198
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,548
My forbidden fruit!
199
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,884
I can still taste
200
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,553
The sweet citrus from your lips.
201
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,290
I swore I would never let another orange
202
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,891
Touch them again.
203
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,425
I even got scurvy.
204
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,695
The doctor put me on vitamin c pills
205
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,763
But they gave me acid reflux.
206
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,966
Anyway, never mind about that.
207
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,334
Your eternal flame
208
00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,137
Will forever burn in my broken heart.
209
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,508
- Rose!
210
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,243
What do you think
you're doing?
211
00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:00,278
Oh!
212
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,780
You come with me.
213
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,314
- Patrick!
- Rose!
214
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,850
- Patrick!
- Rose!
215
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,384
Rose!!
216
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,853
- May god forgive me.
217
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,322
P.S. Please excuse mark from cello.
218
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,058
The boy is soft.
219
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,793
All the best, patrick.
220
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,796
- I do not accept
your note.
221
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,067
You can't enter
222
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,936
The speaking contest
223
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:29,274
Until you have mastered
at least one song on the cello.
224
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,076
And you may give
your grandfather
225
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,811
This note
from me.
226
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:37,816
Do not read it.
227
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,552
It's a sin to covet
the written words of others,
228
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,754
And it is punishable
by strapping.
229
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,091
- I don't remember that in the bible.
230
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,760
Must be post-vatican 2.
231
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,194
[exciting
string music]
232
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,704
- What's in the box,
tool?
233
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,372
Not like you
to lift something heavy.
234
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,440
- I'm sorry.
If I told you
235
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,975
I'd have to explain
what a cello is
236
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,977
And then I'd have to explain
what an orchestra is,
237
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,179
And I have
a bus to catch.
238
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,881
[grunts]
239
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:10,916
- Aw, little wuss
240
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,851
Probably got
his mommy in there.
241
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,086
- Forcing my mother
inside a cello case
242
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,188
And then dragging it
around school all day
243
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,923
Wouldn't make me
a wuss,
244
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,792
It'd make me
a psychopath.
245
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,260
- I know you are
but what am I?
246
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:25,063
- What?
247
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,831
[laughter]
248
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,199
Oh, gee.
249
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,701
[laughter;
grunting]
250
00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:32,270
[musical thud]
251
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,905
- Sounds like he got
a cat in there.
252
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,842
- See?
253
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,377
It's a cello.
254
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,812
- It's a
big guitar!
255
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,880
- No, idiot,
it's a big fiddle.
256
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:51,789
- Ow!
257
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,290
Give it back!
258
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:55,960
- Hey, look at me;
I'm eddie van halen!
259
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,561
[plonking strings]
260
00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:01,099
- Seriously, how is there never
a nun around when you need one?
261
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,701
- Okay, that's enough,
nimrods.
262
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,302
- He's gonna miss his bus.
- Oh, you hear that?
263
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:07,772
Her boyfriend's
gonna miss his bus.
264
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,474
- Ooh!
265
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,108
- Get in the case.
266
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,210
- Get off me.
Stop, let go!
267
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,181
- Come on, get her in,
get her in.
268
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,682
[laughter]
269
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:24,522
- It was either me or the celloand I hated the cello
270
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,925
Almost as much as I hated the foxes.
271
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,492
So, I picked me.
272
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,132
[door opens]
273
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,668
[shuffling
footsteps]
274
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,405
- Did she read
my note?
275
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,640
- Yep, she gave me this.
276
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,242
- Hm.
277
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,380
[emotional music]
278
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:50,748
- Sister rose (vo): My dearest patrick,
279
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,418
Oh, how your words made me tremble.
280
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,454
I felt as though I was a young girl again.
281
00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,024
[wolf whistle]
282
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,432
Patrick...
283
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,833
My heart!
284
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,969
[dramatic music]
285
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,505
- You stay away!
286
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,639
- Rose, don't go!
- Patrick!
287
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,608
- Why did you not fight for me that day?
288
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,110
- Stay away!
289
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:23,181
- She who would gladly spend an eternity in hell
290
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,716
For just one night
291
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,051
In your fiery embrace.
292
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,453
P.S.
293
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,922
Mark may not be excused from playing cello.
294
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,824
While the boy is soft, I am a cellist short.
295
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,529
- I'm going to write
you another note.
296
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:40,164
[deep sigh]
297
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,600
- Who loses a cello?
298
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:43,935
- I didn't lose it.
299
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,470
It was
beaten from me.
300
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,071
[indistinct
conversations]
301
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,673
What the hell, fox?
302
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,509
I called you three times
last night - no answer.
303
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:53,210
- I'm staying
at my dad's, dummy.
304
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,480
- Where's my cello?
305
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,982
- My brother tried to sell it
but nobody wants a stupid cello
306
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,483
So he dumped it
in my dad's backyard.
307
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,886
- That's not good, too much
humidity. Varnish wo--
308
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,154
- Stay out of this.
309
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,756
You have to take me there
at lunch.
310
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,391
- No!
311
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,359
Dad said I'm not allowed
to have kids over.
312
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,594
- Well, too bad.
313
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:11,696
Maybe his kids
shouldn't steal cellos then!
314
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:12,964
- You don't understand.
315
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,299
- No, you don't
understand.
316
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,300
That nun
is going to kill me.
317
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:17,635
[school bell]
318
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,170
- We're gonna
be late.
319
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:21,839
- I thought
we were friends
320
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,374
But you're no better
than your brothers.
321
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,909
You're all
the same.
322
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,278
- Fine.
323
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,780
Lunchtime.
324
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,849
But you do as I say
or so help me...
325
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,350
♪♪
326
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,790
- I asked ritchie to cover for me.
327
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,792
Perhaps I asked too much.
328
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,193
- He's coming.
329
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,462
He just had to go to
the washroom first.
330
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,063
- Mm.
331
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,732
[exhales]
332
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,335
- I think
he had to poop.
333
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,139
He's been pooping
a lot lately.
334
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,209
- Eh, um, we shall
begin without him.
335
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,220
- Fox was embarrassed by her father's house
336
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:10,555
But I envied her.
337
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,223
I longed for neighbours to play with
338
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,860
And she literally had themon the other side of her walls.
339
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,162
- I'm not supposed
to just show up.
340
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,765
- That doesn't make any sense.
It's your house, too.
341
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,234
- I don't stay here; it's just
'cuz mom is out of town
342
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,836
With her
dumb boyfriend.
343
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,370
You wouldn't
understand.
344
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,546
- Hm.
345
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,316
He should be here
by now.
346
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,051
- It's definitely
a poop.
347
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,419
- Stop talking
about poop!
348
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,454
I'm going to
check on him.
349
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,656
- I have to poop
whenever I eat ice cream.
350
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,858
- What?
351
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,292
- Every ice cream day,
352
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,327
I bring 50 cents
for a fudge stick.
353
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,929
But whenever
I eat it,
354
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,531
My stomach hurts.
355
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,600
- Why don't you just
stop eating them?
356
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,135
- They taste
too good.
357
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:59,070
One time
I didn't make it.
358
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,739
Had to hide my pants
in a snowbank.
359
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,609
- Eh, ju-ju-just
play it again.
360
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,453
[wrestling show
playing on tv]
361
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:16,955
- Announcer: Listen to the roar
362
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,489
Of this capacity crowd
363
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,158
Here at memorial stadium
364
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,893
For the superstars of wrestling.
365
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,695
[door closing]
366
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,297
- The air was heavy with an unfamiliar smell
367
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,032
That I now know as beer.
368
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,701
- Announcer: Whipper billy watson
369
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,168
Faces off against (indistinct)
370
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,108
[dramatic
music swell]
371
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,642
[snoring]
372
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:50,855
[dog barking
in distance]
373
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,657
- Take it and go!
374
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:53,992
[upsetting music]
375
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,194
[emotional
cello music]
376
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,970
[grunts and groans]
377
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,040
Be quiet.
378
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,811
- Announcer: He's coming upagainst the ropes here now and--
379
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,280
- Ohh!!
- [door slams shut]
380
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,948
[beer bottle skitters
across floor]
381
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,016
- Whipper is really going to work!
382
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,820
Oh, I mean, how much more can a man withstand?
383
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,822
[dramatic music crescendo]
384
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:29,093
- This is what you do
when I'm asleep, is it?
385
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,663
- I had never been more terrified in my life
386
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,530
And I was taught by nuns.
387
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,536
- Where'd you
steal that?
388
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,505
- It's his.
He left it here.
389
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,040
He's just a friend
from school, dad.
390
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,409
- This what you do at lunch
times, you bring boys home?
391
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,545
You're just like
your mother, you are.
392
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,113
- Just go.
393
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,249
Go!
394
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,185
- So, who told you
you could come here?
395
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,654
You tell your mother and her friggin' boyfriend
396
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,924
That I ain't running no frigging
daycare centre, ya hear me?
397
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,863
- Should I play it
again or...
398
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,203
[heavy breathing]
399
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,406
- Sorry I'm late.
400
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,940
I...
401
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,542
[sighs]
402
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,345
[latch unclasping]
403
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,813
[disheartening music]
404
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,683
[romantic music]
405
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,057
- Sweet merciful christ.
406
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,995
- Pop gave me this
for you.
407
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:41,232
- Pop (vo): My dearest rosie.
408
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,434
As I watched her pull you away,
409
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,069
I could only think of two things.
410
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,972
One: That you had some kind of arse on ya.
411
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,373
[chuckles]
412
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,643
And two: That a fool like me could never offer you
413
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,445
Anything but grief.
414
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,249
What a fool I was all those years ago.
415
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,053
I know that you believe in a heaven
416
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,855
That I shall never see
417
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,990
But, if god pities liars
418
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,458
And we do meet again,
419
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,393
Let us love each other
420
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,196
The way we should have done from the start.
421
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,464
P.S.
422
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,400
Let the boy off the hook
423
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,735
And I'll come over there and grab onto you
424
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,871
Like you were the last life jacket
425
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,739
On the bloody titanic.
426
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,274
[sister mary gulps]
427
00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:24,875
[music ends abruptly]
428
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,778
- You don't have to
play the cello anymore.
429
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,947
Get out.
430
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,417
♪♪
431
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,498
- Look, I didn't see anything
and I was never in your house,
432
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,966
Okay?
433
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,703
But he shouldn't
grab you like that.
434
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,173
- I knew it.
I can't trust you.
435
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,507
This is all your fault.
436
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,242
You're dead
if you say anything.
437
00:17:58,377 --> 00:17:59,777
Do you hear me?
Dead!
438
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,853
- Tina (through speakers): And, in conclusion,
439
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:11,188
That is why I plan
to keep my virginity
440
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,324
Until marriage
and save it for jesus!
441
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,925
Thank you!
442
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,426
[polite applause]
443
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,533
- Our next speaker
is mark critch.
444
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,068
His topic is...
445
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,205
Jokes.
446
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,672
Mark?
447
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,342
- Hello?
448
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,676
[feedback]
449
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,711
I mean,
"how are ya?"
450
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:37,949
Good news!
451
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:39,817
The principal said
we are only going to have
452
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,552
A half day of school
this morning.
453
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,354
[enthusiastic cheering
and applause]
454
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,024
And the bad news is
455
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:50,294
We're going to have the
other half in the afternoon.
456
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,696
[groans
then silence]
457
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,165
Uh...
458
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:57,235
I told my mother I got
a hundred the other day.
459
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,904
I got a 60 in spelling
and a 40 in math.
460
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,406
- The old jokes I'd learned were bombing.
461
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,942
I put fox through all of thatfor nothing.
462
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,344
"screw it," I figured.
463
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,778
If I was going to bomb,
464
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,114
At least I'd bomb with original material.
465
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,717
- The other day,
I asked sister rose
466
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,853
If she would give me the strap
for something I didn't do.
467
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,656
She said,
"no, of course not!"
468
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,191
So I said, "good,"
469
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,059
Because I didn't do
my homework."
470
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:23,528
[laughter;
applause]
471
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,934
I asked sister margaret
if pets go to heaven.
472
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,169
She wouldn't answer.
473
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,070
I then asked her
if god created everything
474
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:34,738
Then who made god?
475
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,841
She told me to stop
asking questions.
476
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,143
She's not so much
of a catholic nun
477
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:41,144
And more of a
none-of-your-business.
478
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,047
[laughter;
applause]
479
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,654
- As sister margaret dragged meoff the stage by the ear,
480
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:54,258
I realized I didn't need to be bob hope or eddie murphy.
481
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:57,028
I just needed to be myself.
482
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,562
[cheerful music]
483
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,097
[applause continues]
484
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,320
- Ho.
[giggling]
485
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,690
Hm.
486
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,225
- Hm.
Hm-hm-hm.
487
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:31,695
- Gross!
488
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,164
[gasp]
489
00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,332
- Sister rose:
What was I thinking?
490
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,002
[music ends
dramatically]
491
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,403
- Hey!
492
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,074
- Surprisingly,
493
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,277
Once I no longer had to play the cello,
494
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,046
I actually kind of wanted to play the cello.
495
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,614
[last note drags
across string]
496
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,249
- Pop:
Jesus.
497
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,184
- I came to realize that my family
498
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,254
Would applaud pretty much everything I did,
499
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,922
No matter how lame.
500
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,890
This was a bit of a letdown.
501
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,692
But it was also a comfort.
502
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,361
- Here, boy.
503
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,598
Good night.
504
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,535
- That was really good,
my ducky.
505
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,203
Just play it again.
506
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:15,039
- Some people want the truth
507
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,774
But there'd be lots of time for that.
508
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,243
I was happy to have a family that loved me enough
509
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,679
To lie to me.
510
00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:23,880
♪♪
42095
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