All language subtitles for Somebody Somewhere S01E07 Mrs Diddles 1080p HMAX WEB-DL DD5 1 x264-NPMS_track3_[eng]

♪ ♪

This will match my
beige couch perfectly.

Oh yeah, that's cute.

But, what if you don't
go so matchy-matchy?

You could keep one foot
in tradition with this one,

and then throw in a little
mid-century farmhouse fun

to spice things up?

I like that.

-I'll take both.
-Cute, right?

-Customer: Yeah.
-I'll get this for you.

-Customer: Thank you!
-You just relax.

We also have
these great soaps.

Not to brag,
but I made 'em myself.

You're all set. Enjoy!

Customer:
Thanks. Thank you so much!

Thanks for stopping in
and, uh...

we hope all your
moments are tender.

Thank you.

Let me know how
those soaps work out!

-Customer: I will.
-(laughs) Okay.

-Mid-century farmhouse fun?
-Sam: Yeah, you know,

I just tossed around
a couple of words I heard

on "Love It or List It"
last night, and it worked.

It sure did.
It was a great sale.

-Kind of fun.
-Tricia: (laughs) Uh,

I gotta go pick up Shannon.
Are you okay
to hold down the fort?

-Oh, I'm great.
-Wow. Thank you.

-Hey, Trish?
-Hm?

Are you okay?
I mean...

Do you wanna talk
at all or anything?

-I'm fine.
-Sam: Okay.

(door bell jingles)

(light theme playing)

(wings flapping)

(birds chirping)

-(knocking)
-Fred: Hello? Hello?

-Oh, hey, Fred!
-Fred: Oh, Sammy!

-How are you?
-Good. I was just hanging
out with the bats.

-What's going on?
-I'm actually looking
for your pops.

-Is he around?
-Yeah, he's not here.

He's, um,
he's visiting my mom.

Oh, he filled me in.

-I'm sorry.
-Oh, he did?

-Yeah.
-Really? Wow.

Well, you know,
I'm in the club, too.

-Oh.
-I got these soil
reports for him.

-Can you pass them along?
-Yeah.

-Yes, sure.
-Great.

Hey, um...

It's kind of wild,
but, um...

I'm just sort of
looking around here--
You know, my sis--

My sisters and I used
to fuckin' sing in here
and shit and...

-Why are you all bashful?
What are you trying to say?
-I-I-I was just thinking, like,

we could maybe try
like a choir practice here
sometime or somethin'.

-In here?
-You know, the acoustics

are pretty fucking good,
so, I don't know, why not?

-(laughs)
-Acoustics? Well, let me,
let me hear it then.

(laughs)

♪ Fred Rococo is here,
hallelujah ♪

-(laughing)
- ♪ Fred Rococo is here... ♪

Actually, I'm laughing,
but the acoustics are good.

(laughing)
Yeah! Well...

I don't know.
I just...

I don't really know how
to bring it up with Joel

'cause he's going
through so much and...

He really is sensitive.
He called me, like,

every 10 minutes last
Sunday. I'm just like,

get off the goddamn phone
and go back to church already,

-right?
-Right.

-You know what we should do?
-What?

Let's have
a poker party.

We invite everybody over,
we butter him up,

and then we pitch
the whole barn idea to him.

I mean, fuck yeah.
That sounds like a great idea.

-Yeah? Alright.
-Yeah.

(birds chirping)

Hm...

(inhales)

-They give you a good lunch?
-MJ: Yeah.

-Yeah, oh yeah, very healthy.
-(knocking on door)

-Oh, am I supposed
to be somewhere?
-No, you're good.

Mr. Miller, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Sure thing.

(grunt, nervous laugh)

-(pouring coffee)
-(inaudible)

(coffee stops)

(inaudible)

♪ ♪

(truck rumbling)

(brakes creak)

-(honks car horn)
-Joel: Wow.

-You're up early for you.
-Good morning!
We have shit to do!

-What?
-Well, you get two choices.

We can either Zumba together,
or we could go to church!

-Zumba.
-Fuck. I didn't think
you'd say that.

No, Joel.
Here's what we're gonna do.

We are gonna find
you a church.

We're gonna get you back
in the House of the Lord.

We're gonna get you
all Jesus'd up,

huh? How's that sound?

-I'm good.
-Sam: Joel!

How long have we known
each other, huh?

-What, two months?
-Twenty-nine years.

And I know you,
and I know

that if there was something
very important to me

that I was pretending
not to miss, WWJD. Huh?

-What would Joel do?
-Oh.

He'd come over to my house,
he'd put me in a bra,

he'd walk me out the door,

get me back into life,
wouldn't ya?

Okay, fine! Can I go change?

-Can I put on my own bra?
-We got five minutes!
We're on a tight schedule!

Today is Jesus' day! Let's go!

Jesus' day
is Christmas.

Just change your clothes, Joel!

(engine cranking)

-This isn't good.
-(engine stops)

Sam, we're supposed
to be doing Zumba.

This is a sign from God.

Yeah, that,
or it could be a sign

that I ignored
my check engine light for
the last three months.

-Why would you do that?
-I'm a bad, bad girl.

-(laughs)
-You're driving.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

-Tricia: Asshole.
-(tires screech)

You fucker!

Okay, I got my little notebook.

I'll write down
all the pros and cons.

We can just pop in,
and if you're not feeling it,

we'll just check out
the next one.

You wanna start
over here?

-Or that one right there?
-(quiet chatter)

Oh, one right here.

Joel:
Mm-hmm.

Oh shit! And there's
another one over there!

Yeah. Let's do...

-Lutheran, Presbyterian,
catch Methodist...
-I--

-swing around to Baptist, then
we can go to the next block.
-Okay, let's--

-Let's start and build
one at a time.
-Okay.

(handbell music)

-(quietly): I bet they do
the Bible really good in here.
-(chuckles)

-Why do you think that?
-I don't know.
It's just, like, a vibe.

Like the bells and, like...

those ferns.

-I think those are palms.
-Oh.

And that guy holding
a tiny poodle.

Oh my god, you've never been
to a church, have you?

Don't worry about it.

(bells end)

Lector:
Today's reading is
from Psalm 139,

-verses 1 through 24.
-(texting)

(grunting)

I'm sorry, Tricia wants
to know what I'm doing.

(mumbled):
No, no, no.
Look, look, look.

...from afar,
you search out my path

and my lying down and are
acquainted with my ways.

-Oh... my god.
-Even before a word
is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord,
you know it altogether.

-He's so... he's so hot.
-(sermon continues)

Pro. That's a pro.

That's definitely a pro.

Joel:
Put him hard in
the pro column.

Oh, I'm putting
him hard in there.

Lector:
If I ascend to Heaven,
you are there.

If I make my bed in Sheol,
you are there.

-Joel?
-If I take the wings
of the morning and dwell

in the uttermost parts
of the sea...

-What are we looking at?
-...and your
right hand shall hold me.

I don't know.
Just trying to get a feel.

-Sam: Yeah.
-Lector: The darkness
shall cover me

and the light about me be night.

-Me, too.
-Lector: Even the darkness
is not dark to you.

T-Tricia, just...

just calm down and tell me
what you wanna do.

Okay, I... I don't really think
the smoker is the issue here.

(laughs) I-I'll take care of it!

Oh my god. Tricia's
losing her fucking mind.

-I mean, I can't blame her.
-Yeah.

-Hey, Sam!
-Sam: Oh shit. Don't go.

-Joel: I'm gonna get the car.
-Don't go, don't go.

-Hey, Coop.
-Hey.

How you doing?
Didn't see you in there.

Yeah, uh, I go to that church.
Just... getting my steps in.

Yeah.

Fuck, man, how you doing?

(sighs) Hanging in there.

Yeah.

So crazy. I...

Still can't believe that
about Rick and Charity, right?

-(car honking)
-Oh shit.

I gotta go. Um,
I'll see you... soon.

Hey, heart-breaker
of a loss, coach.

We'll get 'em next week.

(indistinct chatter)

Okay, so I'm sensing that
wasn't a love connection,

but that's okay. There's
another church back there

-that has an 11:00 service.
We can try that out.
-No. No.

Actually, it was
a great church.

You know,
but I was sitting there,

and I wasn't really...
feeling it.

I don't think the problem
was the church.

I think the problem
was me.

I really appreciate what
you've been doing, but...

I don't know.
I think maybe I'm not
a church person anymore.

Well, that's okay.
I'm not either.

(laughs) Not anymore.

Sam:
(laughs) Yeah.

-But are you okay?
-Yeah.

-You sure?
-(fake sob) Yes. I'm okay.

-(Sam laughs)
-I-I am.

Can you drive me to
this fuckin' motel?

I gotta commit
grand larceny for my sister.

Okay.

Hey. I'm here to take
your stupid fuckin' smoker.

-You need to take the smoker?
-Yep. Tricia wants it.

Are all the parts there?

She gave that to me
for my birthday.

Well, not my problem, Rick.

-(clang)
-Look...

-I know I fucked up.
-Oh yeah, you fucked up alright.

-She won't take my calls.
-Sam: Again,

not my problem, Rick.

Yeah, all the pieces are there.
It's just the top and a bottom.

Alright, well...

-(rattling)
-I'm taking it.

You know, I've been wanting
to ask you something.

What were you doing
at choir practice?

I didn't think you saw me.

Oh, I saw you.
What the fuck
were you doing there?

I was at the mall
on a job one night,

and, uh, I-I just
stumbled on it.

I watched a little
from the door.

And-and I don't know.

I just-- I liked it.

And...

so, yeah, then I came back,

and I thought, okay,
alright, this time,

I'm going all the way in,

and that's w-when I saw you,

and that was weird.

So, I left.

Okay.

Well, thanks for telling me.

You know, you say
something sweet like that,

and then I remember that you
stuck your dick in Charity,

and I'm fuckin'
mad again. Idiot.

(smoker clanks)

(birds chirping)

(undoes seatbelt)

(reflective music playing)

(quiet laugh)

(laughs)

(birds chirping)

Holy smokes!

How did you get here?

I called Shannon and her
and her little boyfriend
picked me up.

-They kick you out?
What did you do?
-Ed...

If we had all
the money in the world,
I'd have stayed there,

but we don't. So...

I asked the doc, he gave me
a list of meetings.

I can do it...

if you can help me.

-Give me the orders, chief.
-(laughs)

♪ ♪

(sighs)

(rummaging)

-(door bell ringing)
-(puts down plate)

Hey, Sam.
Is it raining out?

Um, no, and what the fuck
are you doing here?

Oh, well, Coop found out
about the situation,

and now,
Tricia has nothing

to probably illegally
threaten me with.

Well, how did he,
uh, how'd he find out?

I guess people were
talking at church.

That's weird.
People don't talk at church.

(door bell rings)

Hey, Tricia.

-Hey, girl.
-Sam: Um,

she's not your girl.
She's my sister.

And we would like
you to leave.

-Right, Tricia? Yeah.
-Tricia: Yeah.

Only a hooker like you
would put lavender soaps

by linen room sprays!
What's wrong with you?

-I moved it here. Stop it!
-No.

I moved it here,
so that people could gather.

Charity:
Just because you
moved it here,

-doesn't mean it's
in the right place.
-Hey.

Hi. Hey, Charity,
what are you doing here?

Hey, Joel. Listen to me.

-We never sold any...
-Um,

-you left this in my car.
-Y-you didn't read it, did you?

-No.
-Okay, good, because
it's my poop journal.

You think you're Pinterest
but you're really Hobby Lobby.

-Give me the fucking table...
-Okay.

I think they're gonna
kill each other,

and I think it's
my fault because...

(mouthing):
Coop didn't know.

-Tricia: It looks
like a resale shop...
-Joel: Oh no...

-What do we do?
-I don't know what to do.

You're the people-person,
why don't you just hop in there

-and do something? Fix it.
-(indistinct arguing)

Okay! Ladies,
this is a place of business.

So, let's calm down
and go to separate corners, huh?

Why don't-- Charity,
you go to the day bed,

Tricia, you can go to
the baby foxes, okay?

-(quietly): Good.
-(quietly): I don't know
what I'm doing.

Sam:
You're doing great.

Okay...

I'm going to do
something weird right now

and quote the Bible.

Uh, in Colossians, it says,

"Bear with one another
and forgive each other

"if you have a grievance
against someone.

Forgive the way the Lord
has forgiven you."

It's such a beautiful verse.

But, like...

da-fuh? (laughs) Right?

I mean, some things
can't be fixed.

Sorry, can I
pay for this or...

-Uh, yeah, in one second.
-Sorry.

But if this is
still your dream,

if you feel in your soul

that this is your calling...

then work it
the fuck out. M'kay?

-(laughs)
-Now, somebody ring up
this nice person.

-Sam: I'll take care of it.
-Thank you so much.

-Sam: Uh, cash or charge?
-Customer: Um, charge, please.

(door bell ringing)

Okay, that was awesome.

I thought you were
done with church?

I don't know.
You find God
where you find God.

In this instance,
it was right next to

those really cute
sleep masks.

-Oh yeah, we just got those in.
-Hm, they're fun.

White wine, red wine!

-You know it. Oh,
those are so pretty.
-(laughs)

-They won.
-(gasps)

Whoa...

Okay.

-(door bell rings)
-Downtown business of the year!

-(Charity gasps)
-(laughs)

-Congratulations!
-Charity: Oh my god!

♪ ♪

(muffled chatter)

-Wow, you're all dolled up.
-Yeah, well,

-it's a party, right?
-Yes, it is.

Um... Where is the party?

Down the hatch. Come on!

-Are-are you fucking with me?
-No, I'm not.

♪ ♪

(laughter)

-Hey.
-(mouth full): Oh hey, Sam!

-Tiffani: Welcome to the lair!
-Wow!

Crops Team National Champs.

-Okay.
-Fred: Alright,

I don't know who indulges,

but I got Fredibles!

-Oh shit, we're getting high!
-Fred: Yes!

Now, this is batch 3.0.
I'm sober,

so I need a little help dialing
in the dosage, okay, kids?

2.0 really
spiraled me out.

-Fred: I dialed it back,
you lightweight!
-It was rough.

Sam:
Well, you are a man of science.

-What's the worst that could
happen, right? Fuck yeah!
-(overlapping chatter)

(laughter)

Alright, what do you got?
Come on.

Pocket jacks, baby.

(all groan)

Sam:
Fuck.

Ruthless!

Joel?

Joel.

Fold. (laughs)

Uh, anybody else
feeling it yet?

Sam/Tiffani:
No.

(laughing)

Oh no, we're losin' him!

-(laughing)
-Fred: Mr. Chuckles.

-We're losin' him.
-(laughter)

(loud laugh)

Put your dick away!

I already did.
It's under the sink.

(laughter)

Joel, you motherfucker!
You told me
you didn't read that!

-I did! I did read it!
-Oh fuck!

Sam wrote these songs,
and they're very funny songs!

-(laughs) Let's hear it!
-Oh no! They're seriously
so fucking dumb.

They're from
a million years ago.

Alright, well, we'll be
the judge of that. Come on.

Guys, there's absolutely

no fucking way (laughs)...

♪ When I come home
at the end of the day ♪

♪ My fingers are
down to the bone ♪

♪ My back is aching,
don't there be no mistaking ♪

♪ I'm gonna call
my girl on the phone ♪

♪ Then I'll pour
a glass of wine ♪

♪ I'm going to take my time,
I'll go get my shit relaxed ♪

♪ And when I say
it's fucking time ♪

♪ You gonna lick my Valentine
and don't forget the crack ♪

♪ Put your dick!
Put your dick! ♪

(laughter)

♪ Put your dick away, oh! ♪

-Jesus!
-(all singing):
♪ Put your dick... ♪

♪ Put your dick ♪

♪ Put your dick away ♪

(laughter)

-I'm speechless.
-(laughter)

It's just
seriously so dumb!

-I'm sorry!
-Now sing "They Call Me
Mrs. Diddles."

-Joel, stop!
-Now, that one I gotta hear.

-(wagging tongue)
-(laughter)

-(laughing)
-I think...

I think we should
take a field trip.

-What do you think?
-Joel: Oh my god,

are we gonna go
visit Mrs. Diddles?

(laughter)

-Let's do it!
-Let's go.
Come on, I'll drive.

Let's take the Growler.

This is what I'm gonna
say to Mrs. Diddles.
(rolls tongue)

-(laughter)
-Fred: Jesus!

Joel:
Don't you wanna go to
a football game in this?

Sam:
I don't wanna go to
a football game.

-I wanna party
in the fucking Growler!
-(cheering)

Joel:
It is awesome, girl.

Sharp turn, guys, sharp turn!

-(yelling, cheering)
-Take it easy!

Fred: Okay, kids,
let's have some fun.

(thud)

(insects chirping)

Oh, this is scarier at
night than in the day.

Sam:
It looks a little scary,
but it's good.

-Fred: How do you
like my driving?
-(laughter)

-Sam: Oh, I don't
wanna talk about it.
-(laughing)

-Joel: Oh yeah.
-Well...

This is it!

Tiffani:
Oh, hell yeah.
This is incredible.

-Yeah, the stage will go here.
-Tiffani: Oh, bro,

we gotta do something
with this Tin Man thing.

I love this guy!

You put the band here,
the bar.

What do you think?

I mean,
I think this is awesome.

My sister and I spent a lot
of time in here doing shows.

I think she would
really love this.

Well, you look good,
the light's on you.

Can we hear one of those songs
about the ding-dongs
or the diddles?

Sam:
Well, I have something,
but it's not about dongs.

No, we wanna hear
the juicy stuff.

You know, what sells!

-(laughs)
-Alright, I'm gonna
try something and...

-(click)
-I guess now's as good
a time as any.

(sighs) I don't know why
I'm so fuckin' nervous.

(sighs)

Um...

Joel, this is for you.

(playing soft piano melody)

But there's no dongs.

♪ How many times
did I hear them say♪

♪ She's out of reach,
drifted away? ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

♪ Another night
staring at the wall ♪

♪ And if I try,
I know I'll fall ♪

♪ Mm...♪

♪ All these hills
closing in on me ♪

♪ There's nothing here
I haven't seen ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

♪ Lift me to my feet again ♪

♪ I've lost touch,
I need a friend, mm... ♪

(piano continues)

♪ You brought me ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ You brought me ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ My heart is beating
through my chest ♪

♪ Why would anyone
come clean this mess? ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ The song in me
fell out of you ♪

♪ I found it now
because of you ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ You brought me home... ♪

(piano continues)

♪ Yes, you brought me ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ And I am home ♪

♪ I am ♪

♪ Home ♪

(piano fades out)

That's it.

You motherfucker.

-(laughs)
-Well, now that you've
bummed us all out,

can we get back to it?

-(laughs)
-Joel: No.

Let's just stay in the moment
for a little bit, Fred.

-Okay. Was that long
enough of a moment?
-(laughing)

("My Sentiment" playing)

-I'm driving.
-Sam: Oh god!

-(laughter)
-Are you sure you have
a legal license?

-Tiffani: Let's fuckin' go!
-(laughs)

-(snapping)
-Hey! Oh shit!

Fred:
Joel, do not spill on my bus!

-Where are you taking us?
-Fred: Oh, I'm not telling.

You're in for
a big surprise, kids.

-Let's rage.
-All: Irma!

(laughter)

Woo!

(overlapping laughter, cheering)

("My Sentiment" continues)

♪ Lovely girl, I wish that ♪

♪ I could make love to you ♪

♪ And you'd be mine,
I'd never wanna lose you... ♪

(sighs)

-(dude voice): Hey, brah!
-Hey, brah.

(laughter)

-Brah!
-Brah...

Hey, Joel, what's that
thing somebody said

about putting away
childish things?

Childish things?

That's from
the Bible, bitch.

(laughs)

I love your childish things.

♪ My sentiments... ♪

I do, too. (laughs)

I can't believe I'm getting
lit with Irma. What the fuck?

(Joel laughing)

She's funner
than you think!

(insects chirping)

(sighs)

Um... Are you alone?

Yeah.

-(laughter)
-Joel: I'm never gonna
hear "Mrs. Diddles,"

-and it's gonna kill me!
-Wait, I have one other thing!
One other thing I wanna say.

-Hold this. Hold it! No,
hold it! Hold it! Hold it,
-Say it! Say it! Say it!

I know... that you know me...

-from everywhere.
-Oh ho!

-Ladies and gentlemen--
-No, you cannot
say that anymore!

-Okay, people of the world!
-Play the hits!

-Welcome to Sam Miller
After Dark!
-(cheering)

If you are lost,
if you are lonely,

if you are desperate
for the touch of
another human being,

please let me be of service!

-Oh my god, do it!
-Tiffani: Ow!

And you may wonder,
what can I do for you?

What can you
do for me?

-Well, I'm so glad you asked.
-(Joel laughs)

♪ I'm gonna wrap this pussy
around every dick I can ♪

♪ Wrap this pussy around
every boy and man ♪

♪ I'm gonna wrap this pussy
around these United States ♪

♪ Keep my country warm ♪

(screaming laughter)

Oh my god, that's the greatest
patriotic act I've ever heard!

I'm practically a Navy SEAL.

(laughter)

Here's to wrapping our
pussies around everything!

-(sighs) This is church.
-This is church.

-Yes! This is church!
-This is church!

-Church!
-(laughing)

♪ ♪

(springs creak)

(creak)

(door hits wall)

(sentiment music playing)

♪ ♪

(inhales, exhales)

(sighs)

(inhales, exhales)

("Dust in the Wind"
by Kansas playing)

♪ ♪

♪ I close my eyes ♪

♪ Only for a moment,
and the moment's gone ♪

♪ All my dreams ♪

♪ Pass before my eyes,
a curiosity ♪

♪ Dust in the wind ♪

♪ All they are is
dust in the wind ♪

♪ Same old song ♪

♪ Just a drop of water
in an endless sea ♪

♪ All we do ♪

♪ Crumbles to the ground ♪

♪ Though we refuse to see... ♪