All language subtitles for Murder.On.The.Blackpool.Express.2017.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪ Trailer for sale or rent ♪

♪ Rooms to let 50 cents ♪

♪ No phone, no pool, no pets ♪

♪ I ain't got no cigarettes ♪

♪ Ah but, two hours of
pushing broom buys a ♪

♪ Eight by twelve four-bit room ♪

♪ I'm a man of means by no means ♪

♪ King of the road ♪

It's over there.

♪ Third boxcar midnight train ♪

[coach horn honks]

♪ Destination Bangor, Maine ♪

Look at 'em.

Always the same these literary tours.

Book reading psychopaths.

Do you remember Joanna
Lumley when she did that

"Places of My Life" tour?

That second day, she barricaded
herself in the toilets.

I was slipping her garibaldis
through the ventilation grid.

By the time they got her out of there,

she were blinking at daylight
like a Chilean miner.

Oh, you'll love this one.

Murder mystery writer David Van Der Clane

is gonna show us where
he set all his books.

Mm.

Maybe he can identify the
culprit who killed my dreams.

Ready?

[coach door vents]

What sort of a time do you call this?

We've been waiting so long
my leg's gone to sleep.

My good leg and all.

Oh, I'm sorry everyone.

We hit a deer.

Did we?

Oh, goodness, look at her.

She's trembling like a leaf.

I killed a deer once.

That was back when I used to drink.

Threw a brick at its head.

It's Terry I feel for,

he was driving.

Oh, look at him.

He's ashen.

Like he's had all the
life drained out of him.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Okay?

Shall we get everyone on board?

I'll help you, ma'am.

[Mildred] Up you get.

Come on, I want a view.

Hi.

Good morning.

[Moira] You're late.

Hello.

Good morning.

Um, I need the toilet.

No, Kevin, you've already been.

Ah, gotcha.

Already been.

Right.

No...

My brother has some memory problems.

Um, he does things that he can't remember

if he's done them at all.

Tell me about it.

I've got an all-inclusive holiday in Ibiza

that's still a bit of a blur.

Well that's... delightful.

Thank you.

Before we get going, we've
got a bit of rain forecast,

so I will be handing
out your complementary

Draper's Tours pack-a-macs.

Yellow? We're going to look jaundiced.

Mildred's just got over that.

She's right.

The nurses said I was
like a friendly lemon.

And so it begins.

[David laughs]

Mr. Van Der Clane,

I was getting a little worried about you.

I'm Gemma Draper, from Draper's Tours.

Welcome aboard my four wheeled chariot

of mystery and intrigue.

Under my command, we shall
see all the locations

described in my most popular books.

Who knows where it will take us?

Well we do actually have
quite a detailed itinerary.

And Terry's got a sat nav and everything.

And who indeed knows if
we will all make it...

To the end.

From the cathedral location,

where I conceived my very first book,

all the way to the scene
of my most popular novel,

the Blackpool Tower Ballroom itself.

[Group] Ooh!

By some very reasonably
priced cafes and gift shops

that I'm able to offer
discount vouchers for,

cash only, see me later.

And of course, a copy of one of my books

signed by my own fair
hand, for a small fee.

[coach party applauds]

Garibaldis in the toilet looking
a lot more appealing now,

aren't they?

[Gemma laughs]

Come on, let's get going.

Ben?

What the hell are you doing here?

I bought a ticket for the tour.

Bugger off.

If it's trouble with a man,

I've got a taser in my bag.

And Mildred here's got nunchucks.

I still love you, Gemgem.

Can you get away from our coach, please,

and by the way, I mean at
least 500 sodding metres

like the judge said, or
I'm calling the police.

Call the police?

Don't think so.

Your mum says if this tour
goes badly like the others,

you'll end up bankrupt.

You talked to me mum?

Yeah, don't worry, it
was just on Facebook.

And I was pretending to be your niece.

Ugh!

Ow!

Terry, shut the door and drive.

Quick, Terry.

Gemma!

Oh, Gemma!

[Gemma] Terry, just drive!

♪ A little less conversation ♪

♪ A little more action ♪

♪ All this aggravation ♪

♪ Ain't satisfactioning me ♪

♪ A little more bite
and a little less bark ♪

♪ A little less fight
and a little more spark ♪

♪ Close your mouth and
open up your heart, baby ♪

♪ Satisfy me ♪

♪ Satisfy me, baby ♪

♪ Baby close your eyes
and listen to the music ♪

Attention please, ladies and gents.

After a slightly delayed start,

we are now winding our merry
way to Bartleby Cathedral,

the site of our first murder.

Where I believe they
have a wonderful tapestry

of the crucifixion.

So we'll be able to celebrate
two fictional killings

at the same time.

Any questions?

That aren't about my ex-boyfriend/stalker.

You're losing the crowd.

Give it here.

Ta.

Welcome aboard.

I only have one rule while
I'm driving, and it's this.

The toilet is not, and I
cannot stress this enough,

not for solids.

And yes, I'm talking to
you, the golden girls.

Ta.

You'll have no issues with me, young man.

The doctor gave me a bag for life.

Thanks Terry.

So sit back, enjoy the views,

and I'll be around with
some complementary snacks

for you all momentarily.

You'd better be.

And nothing spicy, mind.

If I'm to follow Terry's only rule,

I'll need something that binds.

Don't worry, Marj.

I brought our boiled
eggs for the rest of us.

These shall bung us up good and proper.

[group gags]

[jaunty music]

Excuse me,

we were promised executive seating.

They are all executive seats.

Really?

There's what I think is a pork scratching

down the side of mine.

Why not try to think of it as

an executive pork scratching?

One other thing.

Do we have to sit across
from these people?

They're like zombies in sport tights.

And what about us?

You've sat us over from this snotty woman

and her ferret faced husband.

How did you hear that?

I've got my hearing aid
cranked right up, love,

in case folk are talking about me.

Anyway, what have we got to look at?

You, and that gormless lump.

That is eavesdropping.

Your husband's got a
head like a sad potato.

It's not his fault,
it's the way he's built.

I've got varicose veins
you can see from space.

And Mildred here, she's got a hairy back.

You said you wouldn't tell.

And I'm agoraphobic and claustrophobic,

so I'm never really settled.

[jaunty music]

You've put me in the wrong seat, Laura.

How can I enjoy the
view from an aisle seat?

I'm sorry, Moira, I got
you one as far as I could.

I don't think I'm strong enough to get you

all the way over to the window.

So your puny body has
once more ruined my day.

Honestly, if this coach were to crash,

I wonder if you'd be
able to rescue me at all.

I would, Moira, I promise.

Just lay there, dying, wondering where you

and your weak arms were
failing to drag me.

Excuse me, ladies.

Are you in need of assistance?

Dr. James Grantling, pleasure to meet you.

Doctor, you say?

Couldn't help but overhear.

Might I be able to help?

Laura, wasn't it?

Splendid.

Now, I might have to
put my arms around you-

[Moira blushes]

But I assure you, nothing
untoward will happen.

I always buy a lady at
least a gin and tonic first.

Oh, permission granted, and I'll hold you

to that gin and tonic.

You don't drink.

Shut up!

[Moira laughs]

There you are.

Oh, thank you so much.

-Pleasure.
-Would you like to-

No, no, I'm fine thank you.

Thank you ladies, see you later.

See you later.

[jaunty music]

And please, no one forget
where we're parked.

You get left behind, you're on your own.

You just have to set up
a life here for yourself.

[jaunty music]

Oh!

Why is this cathedral not
wheelchair accessible?

Accessibility wasn't really an issue

in the 15th century.

They didn't have you in mind
when they built this place.

If they had, we'd be seeing
an access ramp on a tapestry.

I'll have you know this country was built

by people exactly like me.

What, post-menopausal killjoys
with an attitude problem?

I doubt it love.

They'd have burned you as a witch.

Or just for a bit of peace and quiet.

She will eat those words.

Of course she will, Moira.

Of course she will.

Leave me be.

I heard the man on the coach behind us

say he was a doctor.

I love a doctor.

Snap your legs back together, Mildred.

It's a coach trip, not Love Island.

The doctor?

He's my brother.

At least I think he is.

Ladies, you'll have to forgive Kevin,

he, uh, had a knock on the head,

and he has some memory problems.

-Do I?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, that would explain a lot.

[Group] Aah!

My Derek had that.

Very forgetful.

But only when it came to
birthdays, anniversaries,

and not sleeping with my sister.

That's... fascinating.

[church organ plays]

Graham, isn't it?

Hi, I'm Gemma.

Sorry we didn't get to meet on the coach.

Shall I put your bag back
in the holdall for you?

Leave the bag!

I'll leave it there.

Graham.

Do you not want to come and
look at the first murder site?

It's what you've paid for.

I'd hate for you to miss out

and then see what you're like
when you've got a grievance.

No, I'll just sit here.

Calms me down.

Gives me a sense of purpose.

It's like I can hear God
telling me what to do next.

Lovely.

Right, well me might just, uh, go.

You know, away.

Murder!

And I'm out.

If you need me, I'll be smoking outside.

With any luck, I'll set myself on fire.

Here, in this very cathedral,

I came up with the idea
of a murder so foul,

so horrid, that it
would leap from the page

of one of my most popular books.

Take in the heavy silence, as I did,

let it fill your soul.

Take a breath.

Let nothing distract you.

[phone ringtone plays]

Number withheld.

Ah, it must be Hollywood.

Ooh!

Could you hold for just a second?

Have a look around,

mine wasn't the only crime committed here.

Just there in the cloisters,

six monks were beheaded by barbarians.

Sorry...

So, let's meet back here
in 20 minutes, shall we?

Come on girls, cameras out.

Dead monk selfie.

Oh, yes!

Right.

[jaunty music]

Ooh!

This is nice.

Takes me back to our wedding day, Grace.

You were so beautiful.

As beautiful as that blonde girl

helping the woman in the wheelchair?

I saw you taking pictures
of her with your phone.

Delete them, George, it's creepy.

I've done no such thing,
that's an awful thing

to accuse someone of.

George, now please.

Yes dear, sorry, won't happen again.

[George sighs]

[tense music]

Oh!

Bloody hell, love, don't
be lurking round corners.

I'm looking for the lavatory,

and I'd prefer not to have a false start.

Ooh, nice Tupperware.

It's a lifesaver, isn't it?

-[Marj exclaims]
-[dramatic music]

You, uh, left your phone on the coach.

It had a missed call on it.

From someone cryptically saved
as "Bailiffs, Don't Answer."

Guess I'm not getting
paid this month, am I?

As soon as this trip is over,

we're in the clear, trust me.

Let's just enjoy this place for a bit, eh?

It's so peaceful, isn't it.

-[door opens loudly]
-Over here,

come and see where the killing took place.

[jaunty music]

So, here we are, at the site
of my very first murder,

in my very first book.

"I Just Died in Your Psalms Tonight."

But who do we discover
behind this very vestry door,

slumped in a chair, with
the life choked out of her?

Lady Tuestock, after her torrid affair

with Astrid the bisexual chambermaid.

Yes, very good, Grace.

Lady Tuestock.

Having been throttled,

using the sound of the church
bells to hide the crime.

[church bells chime]

And, as each bell tolled,
so the life slipped further

from the body of the lady of the manor.

[church bells chime]

And everybody had gathered-

Where's Marj?

She's gone off on her own.

She does that sometimes.

She had a difficult
birth with her third son,

and it's ruined her-

[church bells chime]

The doctor said he came out diagonally,

and on his way out he got caught on-

[church bells chime]

The doctor patched her up, by
now the plumbing's all wrong,

so every time she picks up
something heavy, she tends to-

[church bells chime]

Oh, it's awful.

She had to redo her kitchen because of it.

Well that's that cleared up, then.

And the parishioner screamed with horror

when they pushed open this door,

and they knew bedevilment was afoot.

They had a murderer in their midst.

[group scream]

Argh!

[dramatic music]

[Peggy] Now Mildred,
Marj wouldn't want tears.

You know how she hated emotion.

Sorry Peggy.

Oh Marj, if you can hear me,
I think you've died, love.

Do you know what killed her?

Classic heart attack I'm afraid.

The discoloration of the face-

No, she's always been
quite a sallow woman.

If anything, she looked the healthiest

she's looked in years.

Apart from the breathing, obviously.

Well, a, a sudden flush
post mortem isn't unusual.

The blood rushes to the face,

especially after the heart has stopped.

No heart attack.

Asphyxiation.

Proper choked as well.

They were lodged right in there.

She always was a cobbler.

Looks like a bap.

Coronation chicken.

Which is weird, because
that's what I was gonna have

for my lunch.

Although, not now.

I don't think these people are interested

in what you're having for lunch, Phil.

Right, sorry.

Bye Marj.

If you see the others, tell
them we'll see them soon, eh?

And I know you stole my brown shoes, Marj.

I know it.

Such a shame.

So full of life.

Shut up.

I lit a candle for Marjory.

Oh, thank you.

That'll be a pound, please.

So I suppose in the name of good taste,

that's the tour cancelled then?

It's very sad, when we lose a life,

but, uh, we will of course
be getting a full refund.

Refunds?

Grace, darling, our hearts are sad,

and there is only one cure for sadness.

Time.

We should reschedule
for later in the year.

Not time.

Fun.

So if we can,

with solemnity,

and due respect,

make our way back to the coach.

Our next exciting destination awaits us.

[jaunty music]

Come on, girls.

If you want me to organise
transport back to the home,

then it's on me.

I know what David said back there,

but I'll sort your refunds in the morning.

Refunds?

Transport?

No, thank you.

We're on the run.

On the run?

From who?

From the home.

We broke out.

We're absconding.

Like Thelma and Louise.

We were two Thelma's and a Louise,

but one of the Thelma's just
got taken away in a body bag.

There's guidelines we have to follow.

Please, let us finish the trip, for Marj.

Well they are only guidelines.

Oh!

Get off.

Go on.

We are now people smugglers.

Old people smugglers.

Oh, call the police!

I might have to.

Woman in a book gets throttled,

then woman on a book tour chokes.

Yeah, my murder mystery tour is that good,

we have actual murders on it.

Get a hold of yourself.

I'd better had.

Before somebody else gets a hold of me.

Come back, Joanna,
lovely, all is forgiven.

Right, we've all had a shock.

And our hearts go out
to Mildred and Peggy,

for the loss of their friend.

But as is the British way,

we're gonna get our heads down, crack on,

and finish the tour.

Yay!

Too soon?

Okay.

But if anyone doesn't want
to continue with the tour,

just let me know now.

[solemn music]

Right, we can't have this
atmosphere the whole way.

[microphone feedback]

Attention everyone.

We'll be at [jaunty
music] Gorge by lunchtime.

I think we should address what's happened.

Sadly, Marj is no longer with us.

Sadly.

You watch your mouth, or I'll cut you up.

I've got a fruit knife on this keyring.

And so, as this trip was one
of great importance to her,

something she wanted
to do before she died-

I feel it appropriate that
I, her favourite author,

should lead us all in a prayer.

Or perhaps, or perhaps
we could lift our spirits

with a good old fashioned sing song, eh?

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

98 bottles-

George, no!

♪ 98 bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ 98 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 97 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

[Gemma] Come on everyone!

♪ 43 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 43 bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ Ee-eye ee-eye oh ♪

♪ With a neigh here, and a neigh there ♪

♪ Here a neigh, there a neigh ♪

♪ Everywhere a neigh ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Here a moo, there a moo ♪

♪ Everywhere a moo, moo ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Ee-eye ee-eye oh ♪

♪ She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪

♪ Yee-haw ♪

♪ She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪

Right, we're here.

Come on, everybody up.

Well, at least if this doesn't work out,

you know you can always
call X Factor, can't you?

[jaunty music]

[James] Oh, no. Kevin?

I decided to use this place of beauty

and it's fabulously high gorge

in my second novel,

"Push Comes to Shove Comes to Bloodshed."

Shall we get to the gorge?

I'd like to take a picture of myself

pretending to throw Grace over it,

as in the book.

[laughs] Well let's hope
it's just pretend, eh?

No.

The crime took place at
the very top of the ravine,

at the edge of a dramatic precipice,

where you are able to pay a nominal fee

for a picture with me.

But feel free to explore the area.

It has some lovely viewing platforms.

Top of the ravine.

Walking that with my bunions,
it's a suicide mission.

No thank you, we'll stay in the cafe,

have a little wake for Marj.

Come on.

Look, can we get on please.

I would like to do a painting of the view

to go with my collection.

The light is changing.

Oh, hang on.

The watercolours, they aren't there.

So you forgot to pack them?

You only had two things to do today.

Massage my hernia, and
pack the watercolours.

Yes, Moira, I- I did check
when we were on the coach,

but-

But nothing.

You've left them on the coach.

Consider this a verbal warning,

and I have witnesses.

Uncomfortable witnesses.

[Moira] How many is that now?

12 Moira.

12 verbal warnings.

Three in front on people, and
nine in front of the cats.

Leave her alone.

She made a mistake.

Anyone could have a slip
of judgement sometimes.

And before you know it,

anything can happen.

I will talk to my staff
exactly as I please.

Now perhaps if you tried a
little bit harder in life

you would have someone
you could discipline.

Or at least join you on
this trip instead of that

sad looking bag that
you cling to so dearly.

Now return to the coach, and
fetch me my watercolours,

and I'll meet you by
the gorge painting spot.

Could you open the coach, please?

[Terry] Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

When she's like this, it's
best not to push her too far.

Could you open the coach for me?

You'll be all right.

It don't lock, anyway.

I mean it, it don't lock with a key.

We've got an app.

Obviously.

Very high tech, works remotely.

By the time you get there, it'll be open.

I guarantee it.

[jaunty music]

Oh, back in an hour, everyone.

[jaunty music]

[dramatic music]

Oh, thank goodness you're back.

Though it's hardly worth it.

I'm nearly where I need to be anyway.

Just stop me over there.

Laura.

Where are you going?

Is that you?

We're too close to the edge.

[Moira screams]

[dramatic music]

It was just a sad accident, girls.

Or was it?

Choking?

Not a way to go.

And on coronation chicken, as well.

Ironic, given how much
she hated the queen.

So hang on.

And mind, nothing spicy.

If I'm to follow Terry's only rule,

I'll need something that binds.

So she wouldn't have eaten
it anyway, would she?

So how could she end up choking on it?

What are you thinking?

[sighs] Ignore him, girls.

Terry's letting his
mind run away with him.

Terry, Marj died because she was old.

And that is what old women do.

Oh, thanks for the reminder, love.

So, are you saying Marj was
the victim of foul play?

I'm not saying she wasn't.

She wasn't, girls.

I promise.

Everything is fine.

[Kevin] Gemma.

Is everything fine?

Yes.

Good.

No, I'm afraid not.

Moira's dead.

Oh, yes. Yes, that.

Sorry, um, no.

What's happened?

[ominous music]

[Peggy] Such a shame, isn't it?

I know.

They could've used these foil blankets

for people just finishing
a marathon, couldn't they?

She was fine when we last saw her.

Well, I mean, bitching and moaning,

but relatively speaking
she was being a delight.

George is right.

She only called me a gold digger twice.

So you were the last ones
to see her alive, then?

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting nothing.

I feel to blame, I...

I should have stayed with her.

It's just that Kevin wanted to
see the drop from the gorge,

and I couldn't deny him his moment.

Oh, is there a gorge?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, we should go and see it.

-Yes.
-Yes.

So you can't confirm
your whereabouts either?

Oh, I can't confirm anything.

Can I?

-No.
-Yes.

Well I was waiting for George and Grace,

who were supposed to be
having a photo with me

at the eastern most clifftop,

a photo that I feel I must point out

I still haven't been paid for.

Well I feel I must point out

that means we don't know
where you were, either.

Hello folks.

PC Alec Collins.

Just need to take a few details off you.

So, we're looking for next of kin.

Hands up next of kin.

Well, I'm her emergency contact,

so I suppose it's me.

And you are Miss?

Laura Bishop.

Did she not have any family?

Well, she had a sister in Blackpool,

but they didn't really
speak, because, you know,

of how Moira was with people.

[Group] Yes.

But we were gonna drop by
while we were in Blackpool,

so that Moira could have
an argument with her.

Well lord knows how she got
to the top of that hill.

She was very strong.

She did tell us that hills
weren't that much of a problem.

That'll explain it then.

We found a bit of brake
assembly for a wheelchair

at the top of the hill.

It probably failed her
and, uh, off she popped.

It seems that our culprit
was our old friend gravity.

Well look, um, I'm sorry miss.

You get on with your trip,
and if we need anything,

we'll just be in touch
with Ms. Draper here.

I, I'm sorry for your loss, Miss.

Would you like me to organise a lift home?

I don't suppose I've got a home anymore.

I lived with Moira, and she made it clear

that she the moment she
died, I was out the door.

Said I could leave my keys on her coffin

at her funeral.

I suppose I'll just get her things

to her sister in Blackpool.

We'll be there tomorrow, Laura.

If you want to stay with us,
we're happy to take you there.

Oh.

That'd be nice.

None of you shout at me,

or, or throw spoons.

Moira used to love throwing spoons at me.

Oh, shush, now.

I'll throw the first
spoon I see at you, love.

[jaunty music]

And that's that, is it?

What's what?

This was our second fatality.

Oh, yes, the old lady who choked.

Bartleby lot haven't done the autopsy yet,

but from the sounds of it,

I think you're just having
a run of bad luck, mate.

A run of bad luck?

I'll be driving that thing on
my bloody own, at this rate.

We're losing passengers
faster than the Titanic.

I'm telling you, something's a foot.

Oh...

It's a foot, is it?

Shall I phone into headquarters?

"Hello, Chief Inspector.

Some shabby little coach
driver thinks he's Miss Marple.

Can you send me a foot squad down?"

All I'm saying is,

maybe you can have a nose around.

Investigate.

Try doing some actual police work.

Well I could start by giving your coach

the once over, if you like.

See how many violations you
can wrack up in one sitting.

There's nothing wrong with my coach.

Really?

If I so much as waved an MOT at it,

it'd burst into tears and beg for mercy.

Now go on, bugger off.

Yeah?

Well for your information,
the MOT on that coach is...

Pending.

[jaunty music]

Terry.

I think you might be right.

This is getting weird, isn't it?

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

-It is now.
-♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

Oh well, it's a sing
song of sorts, I suppose.

Let's get going, shall we?

Don't worry.

I know two dead passengers is unusual.

But I'll keep an eye out.

Trust me.

Nothing gets past me.

[coach engine starts up]

♪ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

[suspenseful music]

[Gemma] And welcome to Clesperley
Manor, our luxury hotel.

As long as you don't look
to closely on Trip Advisor.

We asked for a superior room.

Does it matter?

Yes it does.

And please, please, please, Miss...

Nobody go anywhere.

It's a lovely summer's evening.

Let's gather for a drink

before tonight's murder
mystery dinner begins.

A unique event, where each of
you will dress as a murderer

from one of my novels.

Costumes provided.

A league of villains, but who,

who is the cruellest killer of them all?

It's, um, it's quite poor taste, isn't it,

given everything that's happened?

Oh dear, has, has something happened?

Um, I agree it's poor taste,
but David did point out

that it is in his contract
with Draper's Literary Tours

that we do this.

As long as my costume comes
with a bullet proof vest

I'm happy.

We've had a rough day.

I'd be the first to admit that.

But let's remember why we're here.

To celebrate my literature.

And isn't that the best
way to take our minds off

today's unfortunate accidents.

Even though those accidents happened

in all the same places that
are referenced in your books?

It's like celebrating
D-Day with a beach party.

It could be fun?

Indeed, Grace.

And in the light of today's troubles,

I'm going to do all this at reduced cost.

Heart of gold, this one.

Bob Geldof has got competition.

[Gemma laughs]

Ah, is that axe the
inspiration for the beheading

in "Axe Me No Questions,
I'll Tell You Who Dies"?

Yes.

Laura, well sleuthed.

I didn't know you were a
fan as well as poor Moira.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know them inside out.

She, she used to make me read them to her.

Said I had the voice of
a soothing pit woman.

Ah.

So, to your rooms, we shall
reconvene in the piano bar.

And no hanky panky when
you're all dressed up.

These costumes have to go back on Monday,

and there is a soiling charge.

Lovely.

[soothing piano music]

It's a Gold Boots Advantage Card.

They don't just give these to anybody.

Do you have any idea how
many 3 for 2s I had to buy

to get this?

I've got enough Pantene
to last the apocalypse.

Remarkable.

Really?

Oh, I know who you're dressed as, Doc.

You're the killer conman
who pretends to be a doctor

from "A Murder in Hand is
Worth Two in the Grave".

Sound familiar?

Well, I mean, I...

And I am either a
motorbiker, or a gay man.

Or both.

Nobody draw attention to Mildred.

She's worryingly on display.

Right, I think you're done.

Just don't turn around
without telling me first,

or we might have to redo your coverage.

There you go.

-Thank you.
-Guinness.

Even asked them to put
a shamrock on top of it.

Well I asked for a shamrock.

That's looking more like Donald Trump.

Look, could you do me another favour?

Yeah.

Anything.

Name it.

Stop scaring the passengers, eh?

Oh come on.

You said yourself you thought

something strange was happening.

Two bodies at the first
two murder locations?

Or two accidents and one coach driver

with a rampant imagination.

If this falls apart, it's
the end of Draper's Tours.

Look, we'll get through all this.

Complete the tour, pay the bailiffs.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Nobody is in danger.

[woman screams]

[jaunty music]

What is it, Mildred?

[Mildred] It's Dave.

He's out there.

[Gemma] Oh goodness.

No, David!

Clubbed to death on the patio.

Just like in his own book,
"Clubbed To Death on a Patio".

Doc, help him!

I'm afraid he's dead.

[David gasps]

'Fraid not.

Great diagnosis, Doc.

Come on, give me a hand
with Lazarus, here.

Yes.

The paparazzi will have a field day

if they see me like this, Gemma.

We're in Yorkshire, David.

Round here they think
paparazzi's a pizza topping.

Go ahead, that's it.

Now, steady, into the chair,
slowly, David, slowly.

-Thanks. Thank you.
-There you are.

I just went outside to
phone my agent in LA.

The next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

And Doc was standing over me.

Calling me back from the
dead with his healing hand.

You've had a fright, David dear.

Get a whiskey inside you.

Is it complementary?

David, give her the four quid.

And where have you been?

Mr. Misery Guts, with
your sad little backpack.

Graham did this.

It's obvious, he's the
only one without an alibi.

Oh my God!

I bet he was the one that
pushed Moira off that gauge,

as well.

What are you on about?

I was in the cigar room, smoking,

trying to get a moment's
peace away from you.

You shrill, stuck up harpy!

Can we all calm down, please.

Ah, she won't, not when she's like this.

It's like the John Lewis
sale all over again.

Look in his bag.

I bet there's a blood
soaked weapon in there.

[jaunty music]

Karen!

Ooh!

Who do you think Karen is, then?

I'm guessing wife or girlfriend.

Yes.

My wife.

My dead wife.

My Karen!

Oh, poor thing.

I knew a Karen once.

She's dead too.

She was my wife, and her dying wish

was to go on one of these tours

with that nobhead.

[David gulps]

Because she loved his books.

I may... have made an error.

Here, here we go, lovely.

We'll help you put Karen back in her pot.

Thank you.

Did she have kidney stones, dear?

No.

Oh, it's probably just
a dry roasted peanut.

What are we gonna do?

Uh, you're the tour guide,

you're supposed to be looking after us.

We are under attack.

Right.

Look, r- right everybody.

We'll, um, right...

Gemma.

I'll deal with this.

Now, I don't want to panic anyone,

but I think all our lives are in danger.

[group exclaim]

I'm gonna call that copper.

Hopefully he'll take
me seriously this time,

See if that bloody squad
believes me now, yeah?

Just think.

The murderer could be watching us now.

I wish I'd have known
I was being spied on.

I'd have put in my good teeth.

[dramatic music]

-[solemn music]
-[owl hoots]

Where have you been?

I've got a group of terrified people here.

And I've been worried about you.

I'm sorry.

I got stuck on hold.

Bloody PC Collins.

Right, gather round everyone.

I've finally spoken to
our friendly policeman

who says he's coming taking
statements in the morning.

Because apparently all
we've got is two accidents

and an assault, and that's not classed

as a high priority.

If we were Corrie, we'd
be a one hour special.

So what we're gonna do,

until they start taking
me seriously, is this.

Gemma and me are gonna walk
all of you to your rooms.

Once you're in there, you lock the door

and you don't let anybody in.

Got that?

Right.

Come on.

Chop chop.

Terry's right.

Come on, everyone.

[tense music]

What about the CCTV?

Did that not catch the assailant.

Oh yeah, I don't wanna worry you,

but I spoke to reception earlier,

and apparently the wires to the camera

were cut a few days ago.

Well thank you for the none
worrying bedtime story, Terry.

This is us.

Goodnight everyone.

Goodnight.

And, uh, Graham, once
again I'm, I'm very sorry.

I can imagine you are.

Oh, I'd take her apology, Graham.

They don't come very often.

She once broke my mother's nose.

I've still not seen a scrap of remorse.

Oh, George, that was a
hairline fracture at most.

Laura.

If you don't want to be alone tonight,

we're more than happy for you
to come in and share with us.

George, this is why that woman from HR

had to have a word with you at work.

-Stop it.
-Yes dear.

Goodnight everyone.

Kevin and I will be here.

If you ladies need anything, just holler.

I'm a very light sleeper.

I have literally no idea what's going on.

Right, well, this is me.

Would you like on of us to
sleep in with you, Laura?

Oh, no, I'll be all right.

Sleep well, girls.

Oh, and Gemma dear, if
we die in the night,

I'd just like to say this
is the best adventure

we've ever had.

Goodnight girls.

Night, night.

Right.

So, do you wanna come in?

Oh...

Yeah.

[gentle music]

Suppose I can have a check around.

And have one sleep in
my bunk on the coach.

Don't suppose the murderer
will brave getting in there.

I've got a fortnight's
worth of dirty undercrackers

kicking around on it somewhere.

Oh.

I'm, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, I've just read this all wrong.

It's just that when you
took charge tonight,

I saw you in a totally different light.

No, no, it's just-

And, and I know we work together, and, oh,

maybe I've read the signals wrong,

but I thought you liked me.

And I just saw you as some
sort of aimless loser.

Thanks.

Like the last person on Earth
I'd ever be attracted to.

Don't spare my feelings.

I mean, I need someone
who knows what they want

and goes for it, you know,

and I guess I saw that in you earlier.

I do know what I want.

I've been sitting next to it on my coach

for the past six years.

And if some nutter thinks
he's taking that away from me,

he's got another thing coming.

He can kill my passengers-

I'd, I'd really prefer it if he didn't.

But he'll have to get through me first

if he wants to get anywhere near you.

Are- are we doing it now?

Are we kissing?

Yeah.

Okay.

Good.

Begin.

[gentle music]

["Day is Done"]

♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ Down to the earth then sinks the sun ♪

♪ Along with everything
that was lost and won ♪

♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ Hope so much your race will be run ♪

♪ Then you find you jumped the gun ♪

♪ Have to go back where you begun ♪

♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ When the night is come ♪

♪ Some get by but some get old ♪

♪ Just to show life's not made of gold ♪

♪ When the night is cold ♪

♪ When the bird has flown ♪

♪ Got no-one to call your own ♪

♪ No place to call your home ♪

♪ When the bird has flown ♪

[Kevin exhales]

Oh hello.

I see you couldn't sleep either, then?

Do you know, I was sure we
were supposed to stay in bed.

Something in the back of my mind...

Buggered if I can remember what it was.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.

Bad habit.

They'll kill me in the end, won't they?

[blade swishes]

Oh.

That's why I was supposed to stay in bed.

Okay.

Would you mind if I just
smoked one last cigarette?

[solemn music]

Hi.

Hey.

[Gemma] How long have you been awake?

About an hour.

Just been lying here.

Staring at you.

And occasionally wiping
dribble off your bottom lip.

Romantic and creepy.

Well done.

Well, you're a dribbler.

Never would've expected it
from such a dainty wee lady.

Well that's rich coming from
such an apologetic lover.

Well, you know, you look like that.

And I look like...

Come on then.

Round two.

And unapologetically this time, please.

[knocking on door]

Oh, for...

Who is it?

[James] It's Doc.

Is everything all right?

[James] Not quite.

I, um, well I can't find Kevin.

If he's alive, I'll kill him myself.

-[Group] Kevin?
-Kevin?

Yoo hoo, Kevin?

Kevin?

Kevin?

Ooh, you've got a glow on you, Gemma.

Thanks Mildred.

You've had the unmentionable, haven't you?

[Group] Kevin?

It's years since I had the unmentionable.

When I get excited,
I'm a bit of a grabber.

Puts a lot of men off.

Kevin!

[dramatic music]

Kevin's come away at the neck.

Oh my god!

Who would do this?

This is no accident.

Heads don't just fall off.

Kevin!

Kevin!

Call a doctor.

I thought you were a doctor.

Of course I'm not a sodding
doctor, you stupid woman.

But please, somebody call an ambulance.

[Gemma yelps]

I think an ambulance
might be a bit optimistic.

George, call the police.

Not a doctor?

No.

And, uh...

Kevin is... he's not my brother.

You see, years ago, I was a conman,

defrauding ladies like
Mildred and Peggy here.

I just finished a job,

and I stepped out into
the road without looking.

And Kevin knocked me away
from an oncoming car,

and the car hit him.

It was hit and run, just like that.

Did it kill him?

No, he lived.

That's why he was able
to join me on this trip.

I see.

But he was badly injured,
and before I knew it,

there was an ambulance
there, and then a policeman,

and... well, I, I panicked.

I didn't want to give
them my real details.

I, I'd be rumbled, pretty quickly.

So I said I was his brother.

And then when he woke up in hospital,

he didn't know who he
was or where he was from.

And the nurses told him I was family.

He believed them.

I couldn't tell Kevin the truth.

I'm the only thing in his
life that he can cling to.

Could do.

Could cling to.

Past tense now.

[Terry] Oh, God.

What?

I am a writer, language is my tool.

I can't see it used poorly.

Funnily enough, the
only thing he had on him

at the time of the accident
was one of your books,

It was signed, "To Kevin."

Which is why we came.

A true tragedy.

Just as in my seventh
novel, ironically called

"The Beheading of the Fool".

Shut up, you.

We've got someone decapitated here.

And not the someone I might
have preferred it being.

What are we going to do?

He could be anywhere, this murderer.

Police said they'd be
as quick as possible,

but there's been a sheep
waggon rolled over in Skipton.

Reckon it could be a couple of hours

until the excitement dies
down and they can get to us.

We could wait for them.

Or, bearing in mind I have been
right about this all along,

we could handle this ourselves.

Starting with sacking
off the next location.

The Ozzletwizzle Flask Museum?

Scene of my seminal classic,

"Chalice Through the Killing Glass?"

Shut it, David.

The killer will be there waiting for us.

I propose instead we go
to the end of the tour.

The ballroom at Blackpool Tower.

By the time the murderer has figured out

that we're not coming,
we can be lying in wait.

Then bang, we catch him.

But what if... the killer is one of us.

Looking round here,

I don't see a gang of potential murderers.

I see a group of people that I'm amazed

can function in modern society.

There's not a single person
here with the first clue

about setting something
up this intelligent.

Oh, thank you for believing in us, Terry.

Oh, it might be dangerous ladies.

If he tries to kill us, at
least we'll be in the papers.

I have no objection.

Karen wanted it all to
end in Blackpool, anyway.

George, Grace, you can come with us.

Either that, or you can wait
here for two hours on your own.

Well, yes, if you put it like that.

Sounds dangerous, Grace, dear.

George.

We're going to Blackpool
to catch a murderer.

Right then.

Let's get on the coach
and get out of here.

Grab your bags, now.

Come on, chop chop.

[jaunty music]

[Gemma] But make sure you
pay your room service bill

before we leave.

[Peggy] And grab as many
little shampoos as you can.

[jaunty music]

[phone dial tone]

[Emergency Operator]
Hello, Blackpool police.

What would you like to report?

[Hooded Man] Murder.

Oh wait, can I just nip
to the loo before we go?

We haven't got time.

Go on the coach.

But it'll break your only rule.

Sometimes, love, rules
are meant to be broken.

Go on, Doc.

Just you left, now.

Well, I think I'll stay
here with Kevin, thank you.

It could be dangerous.

We don't know where the maniac is yet.

Well then I'll stay and wait for my fate.

It's no more than I deserve
for the things I've done.

And maybe it'll slow down the scoundrel

that's doing all this.

Give you time to get to Blackpool.

Kevin loved Blackpool.

Well, he didn't, but I told him he did.

Goodbye.

[solemn music]

And drive carefully.

I won't stop you.

Listen, I can't promise you
we'll all get through this.

But I can promise you,

we're gonna find out who's behind it all.

You're really taking the
bull by the horns today,

aren't you?

Yeah.

I am.

Now come on, let's go.

["Bat Out of Hell"]

Right, listen up.

We're gonna be going like the clappers.

So you might wanna cling onto each other.

I wouldn't put much
faith in the seatbelts.

They're more for show than anything.

So, Blackpool, as fast as we can.

♪ Like a bat out of hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone when the morning comes ♪

♪ But when the night is over ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone when the morning comes ♪

♪ But when the day is gone
and the sun goes down ♪

♪ And the moonlight's shining through ♪

♪ Then like a sinner before
the gates of Heaven ♪

♪ I'll come crawling back to you ♪

I told you I'd get us here.

Mm, I can smell chips.

The four most beautiful words
in the English language.

Hey up, here's the carpark we're after.

I think things are looking
up for us, after all.

Terry!

[dramatic music]

Police! Open the door!

[vocal commotion]

Anger issues!

Get over there! Get up against there!

You're under arrest for murder.

I didn't kill anyone?

Thought you'd get away
with it, didn't you?

The old double bluff.

Pretending to be concerned
about these people dying,

but it was you who was
bumping them off all along.

I haven't bumped anyone off.

I'm a nice bloke, me, ask anyone.

Hey, ask Joanna Lumley.

You're coming with us.

And I'll ask you a few
questions about the murder

of Marj Grimshaw, Moira
Colliston, and Kevin...

I don't know his surname yet, but Kevin.

What's going on?

Why are you arresting Terry?

Looks like we may have
found your murderer, ma'am.

Terry, no, he can't be.

I'm afraid so.

We had a tip-off this morning
from an anonymous source.

Saw him kill Kevin.

It weren't me, Gemma, I promise.

I knew it was him.

Those eyes, too beady.

Like a fat shark.

Take him away lads.

Hang on.

Gem.

You've all had a very lucky escape.

But, uh, we will need you
to come down to the station

and, uh, make some statements.

Oh, you'll get nothing out of me, copper,

I'm no grass.

You'll have to strip search me.

Look, I've done nothing.

For most of my life.

Just ask anyone who knows me.

Our source says they saw
you murder this Kevin bloke.

That's hardly nothing, is it?

Unless you can prove to me
you were somewhere else.

Gemma.

Ask Gemma.

I can testify as to his
whereabouts last night.

He was with me.

We slept together.

There you go then.

Alibi.

Afraid not, mate.

And you were awake all night,

so you know exactly where he was?

Well no, when, when I woke up,

he said he'd been awake for about an hour.

Just, watching me, he said.

Oh, no, that doesn't sound good, does it?

She was dribbling.

She's a dribbler.

Come to think of it, I'd
like to see my lawyer, now.

You're in luck.

He's already here.

What?

[knocking on door]

Well, look at this, then.

I'm Gemma's cousin, Barry, by the way,

and I shall be your legal representative.

Murder. [laughs]

A bit different to the
usual speeding tickets I do,

but, uh, let's get it warmest go.

Let's give it our best go, and that,

that's all we can do, really, isn't it?

Right then.

Why did you do it?

I didn't do it.

Well, I was speaking with PC Collins here,

and he and I are pretty convinced you did,

so I think we all find
ourselves in a little bit

of a pickle, don't we?

Oh yes.

We do.

Here you go.

Bit of light reading for your cell.

Thought you might like it.

It's all over, isn't it?

I mean, what's Gemma gonna do now?

A new driver'll want wages.

And a coach that's insured.

I'm not having it.

I want my phone call.

Ah, I, uh, I've already used it for you.

But on the upside, I did
use it to order pizza,

so I hope you've brought your appetite,

because you'll not be
getting pizza in prison.

[Barry laughs]

Obviously you have my number?

Yeah, you're number, your agent's number,

your email address,
and your Facebook page.

Right then.

Onward to the ballroom.

I think the tour's over, David.

I think I need to stay here and
see what happens with Terry.

Even I'm losing the will.

Nonsense.

The ballroom is the finale.

We're safe now our real
life murderer is in custody.

Terry's not the murderer.

I've known him for years,
he's not like that.

He's just helping the
police with their inquiries,

which is perfectly normal.

And often ends well.

There'll be champagne.

It all feels in poor taste.

David, it, it's over.

I'm calling it a day.

I'm sorry everyone, I'm sorry.

Now look here, Missy.

I have a contract with your company

that states quite plainly
that the final destination

of this itinerary is the
Blackpool Tower Ballroom.

Now you will either help me
get these good people up there,

right now, or so help
me God, I shall sue you

so heavily that you'll have the homeless

looking down at you.

Do you understand?

[jaunty music]

Ha ha, Blackpool.

Gemma.

You all drag me to these romantic places.

[jaunty music]

Come on, keep up.

What I've got planned is a
once in a lifetime experience.

Well this had better be good.

We've walked past four bingo
halls and I've not gone in.

It's against my better nature.

I can feel those balls calling me.

[David] And ahead, our final destination.

Evidence?

They didn't have any evidence.

DNA, motive, none of that.

Pretty good of you to ask them about that.

I had nothing.

So, looks like you'll get away with it.

Get away with...

Get away with what?

I didn't do anything.

And the more you keep up
that kind of performance,

the more chance we have
of getting you off.

A fat lot of good you was.

Where did you go to law school?

Not school, per se, more
of an online course.

Dead easy, you can do
it in your spare time.

They've got loads of subjects.

I'm also a qualified dentist.

Sort of.

I've got to find Gemma.

Listen, make sure you
stay in Blackpool, though,

they might want to ask you more questions.

Give your time to rehearse all that,

"Ooh, I didn't do it" routine, though.

I'm not going anywhere, mate.

I've got to find the bloke

who's trying to kill my passengers.

Nice, method acting, that's the way to go.

Really inhabit the part
of the innocent man.

In a moment, we will raise a toast

not only to our fallen comrades,

but also to the books that
brought us all together.

But first, let me take you through

some additional
merchandise available today

at rock bottom prices.

Now first of all, we have the
full set of books, read by me.

[seagulls squawking]

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, more like?

You're supposed to be in jail.

And how do you know that?

I called the police.

Told them that you were the killer.

So you tried to frame me?

You're the sodding murderer, aren't you?

I'll murder you for touching my Gemgem.

Oh, come on then.

You come on then.

No, you come on then.

I'm right here.

Do something.

I will do something.

Come on then.

Bring it.

I brought it.

Don't you worry.

Packed it, brought it, and
you're about to get it.

So where is it then?

Right here.

But I must warn you, I've
had four karate lessons.

And I must also worn you

I've seen every single
Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Including Kung Fu Panda
2, and Kung Fu Panda 3,

in which admittedly, he's just a voice.

But...

He's still in the credits.

Then let battle commence.

Argh! Not me, not me ears.

We never said ears were allowed.

You're not gonna kill me like
you killed all the others.

Killer?

I'm not a killer.

A voyeur, yes.

A stalker, certainly.

But I'm not a murderer.

You bloody are.

You choked Marj, you shoved
Moira off of that gorge,

and you beheaded Kevin.

And you knocked out David.

Which, I'm not actually
that bothered about.

I did not do any of those things.

And I can prove it.

The old nibble on the earlobe.

She used to love that.

She still does.

Just not by you.

Get to the point.

Hang on.

I'll rewind.

Here we go.

Your man David.

So you're stalking David as well?

No.

He just came outside, so I did
some test footage with him.

You know, check the
exposure, and all that?

For when I was filming you two.

Biggest problem for a stalker,
really, picture quality.

That and restraining orders.

So this is when he was attacked?

It is.

So you've got the attacker on tape.

The real murderer?

Oh yes.

Oh, so he attacked himself?

So we wouldn't suspect him of anything.

He's the bloody lunatic
who's been killing everyone.

Yeah.

Some people, eh?

Disgusting.

So why didn't you call
the police about him?

Because he didn't kiss my Gemma.

Yeah, but now David's
been allowed to walk off

with a whole coachload full of passengers.

Including my possibly future,

and your definite ex-girlfriend.

That hasn't worked out, has it?

And now they're on their
way to the ballroom,

so he can do who knows what to them.

Oh.

Yes. Oh.

Now come on, we have
to go and rescue Gemma.

The police have got the keys to the coach,

so we're gonna have to run.

Come on.

No, why not just get an Uber?

Okay, I'll run. I'll run.

[jaunty music]

And so let's raise a toast.

Not only to the fallen,
but also in celebration

of those who survived.

Some might say, outwitted
the evil intentions

of Terry the coach driver.

He's in his element, isn't he?

Yeah.

I need the toilet.

Girls together, we could freshen up?

I think we'll have time for
a mani pedi at this rate.

[jaunty music]

All right, not the ears, get off the ears!

[Terry pants heavily]

Murderer!

And creepy stalker man.

No.

Well, he is still a stalker,

but I'm not the murderer.

He's not, he's not the killer.

David.

David's the murderer.

Me?

How dare you.

Ben filmed him.

At the hotel.

He hit himself on the head.

He faked his own attempted murder.

I did not.

I've got you on film, pal.

As clear as every shot I've got of Gemma

through her bathroom window.

[jaunty music]

Get him!

[Laura] It's a shame about Terry.

[Gemma] Ah, Terry's not
the one doing this, Laura,

I'm sure of it.

Oh, you can see he's not the type.

Mind you, if he was, he would fit in with

the succession of nutters I've
gone out with over the years.

There's Ben, my stalker,

before him was Chris,
he stole from my purse.

Oh and of course Andy, kept
calling me by his mother's name,

even when we were in bed.

And exclusively when we were in bed.

[jaunty music]

How are there no other ways out of here?

Because, David, this is
where they keep the chairs.

And me and these chairs
have something in common.

What?

We both know a tired old
asshole when we see one.

Nearly got away with it, didn't you?

Bringing everyone here
for your last murder.

Thanks to this book the police gave me,

I'm one step ahead of you.

"Toxic Tango in the Butcher's Ballroom".

You poisoned the champagne
just like in the book.

It looks like I got
here in time to stop you

before anybody drank it.

Oh God.

What?

I drank the champagne.

While you were telling us
David was the murderer.

While I was telling you he was the killer,

you drank something that he'd given you.

Well you can't waste champagne,

it's like expensive Prosecco.

Oh, my God.

I've been poisoned.

George!

Grace.

I can feel it.

It's already in me.

Oh, Grace, I love you.

I can't let you go without you
knowing the things I've done.

You've done nothing but love me, George.

No, Grace, I've been a bad man.

This is about to get interesting.

The cleaner, Grace, I'm so sorry.

I did pay her to do those things to me.

Oh, George.

I forgive you.

A- and the cleaner's son,
who used to do the gardens.

Yes George?

Is he actually your son?

No.

God, no.

I've been buying cannabis off him

and putting it in your muesli.

But why, George, why?

Well just to calm you
down, because if I didn't,

I would've killed you myself by now.

Oh, George, why?

Because of all your rules.

No mouth kissing until
I've brushed and flossed,

no drinking because you
think my laugh becomes nasal.

[Grace wretches]

I don't mean to rain on your parade,

but I want to make it
clear I poisoned no one.

What?

Oh, great, she's fine.

You don't want to worry
about getting a man, Gemma.

Oh, I know.

What's the alternative?

I mean, I know what the alternative is,

and I've never been attracted to women.

Although I did have an odd
fascination with Steffi Graf

when I was younger.

Do you think that counts?

All right, I admit I did
hit myself on my head.

But in truth, that was only
to refocus your attention

back on me, you were all
getting so preoccupied

with the actual killings, you're
forgetting why we're here.

Me.

Bollocks.

I'm calling the police.

What kind of arrogant maniac
writes a murder series

and then reenacts them?

You're going down, for life.

No, please, please, please don't.

They're not even my murders,
I didn't write the books.

Oh my God.

You didn't write "Death Replumbs Her"?

No.

No, I...

I didn't.

I was working in publishing.

Things weren't going very well.

And I, I hadn't had a successful
book published in months.

I needed a hit, or I'd be
out of publishing forever,

or even worse than that.

Moved to celebrity autobiographies.

And then, one day, a
huge pile of manuscripts

landed on my desk.

Ten complete novels,

I mean who sends in
ten books, handwritten.

The author, Mary, had sent a note, saying,

"Treasure these. They're the only copies."

I saw my chance.

Since they were the only copies.

No one could prove that
I hadn't written them.

And there was a lot more
money for the author.

So, I went ahead, and
I said they were mine.

Some might say it was the perfect crime.

Almost what she'd have wanted.

Didn't the real writer ever
wonder what was happening

when their book started
popping up in shops.

Well, she did get in touch, yes.

She came to see me,

and she told me she had
a young daughter to feed.

I just saw pound signs.

I threatened her with legal action,

and she ran out of the office, crying.

I heard later that she'd killed herself.

You stole somebody's talent
just to get some notoriety?

You're the Milli Vanilli of literature.

Well I, I did write the book's titles.

They're the worst bit
about the bloody books.

But that is still no proof of murder.

Mary Bishop, you said
I'd get my comeuppance.

Here it is.

It's come up...

... enced.

Right, you nearly done in there?

You've been a while, do you need any help?

My mother killed herself because
of what a man did to her.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

He robbed her.

Robbed her of the one thing
she spent her life creating.

So he robbed me of her.

Oh my God, that's so sad.

If you want to talk
about it, we've got time.

I'm in no rush to get
back to David's toast.

Honestly, for such a poor writer,

he does think a lot of himself.

The books are brilliantly written.

[laughs] Ah, come on, they're nonsense.

The books are brilliant.

All right.

Fair enough, each to their own I suppose.

At least we've got to
the last of them now.

No more murders, hopefully.

There is one book we haven't covered yet.

Oh, God, not another one.

What happens in it?

A woman gets stabbed in the toilet.

Could be any night in Blackpool, that.

Bishop.

That name rings a bell.

It's quite a common name,
especially in the clergy.

No, I've seen it today.

Or yesterday.

That's it, the passenger list.

One of the passengers is called Bishop.

You are Miss?

Laura Bishop.

Oh God.

It's Laura.

Where is she?

Well, I saw her sloping off
to the toilets with Gemma.

Who knows what they're up to in there,

but it's the modern world.

None of my business.

Gemma.

I'm coming!

George.

We need to talk.

Yes.

You're the murderer?

But, but no, you can't-

Can't what, Gemma?

What can't I do?

I think you'll find that when a young girl

has watched a dribbling spilk like David

steal her mother's life's work,

and then watched her take her own life.

When you've seen all
that, I think you'll find

there's nothing you can't do.

All right.

It's a bit heavy.

I can see you're still
working through some stuff.

I'll just pop out and give you some-

-[blade scrapes]
-[Gemma murmurs]

I'll probably just stay here.

Moira was supposed to be my cover.

I met her at one of David's book signings.

Pretty soon she took
me on as her assistant.

Let me tell you, after scraping the gunk

from under her big toe every night,

it made me more determined to frame David

and bump Moira off.

But somehow you and your fat
boyfriend got in the way.

You're the last one, Gemma.

You're as bad as the others.

Giving him money, sucking up to him

when it's my mother's words.

My mother's books.

Ooh, that looks sharp.

How far are these bloody toilets?

Come on, get a move on.

Don't rush me, I haven't
got my orthopaedics on.

I've got to save Gemma.

Then I'm coming too.

You need a chaperone before
entering a ladies private area.

Marj was the easiest.

She were easy to choke out.

Voice like a foghorn,
but weak as a sparrow.

And Moira.

I don't know if you've ever tipped someone

over a gorge before, Gemma.

No, no no, never.

It's brilliant fun.

I'm gutted I killed Kevin,
but someone had to die.

Poor bloke never really knew
what was going on, anyway.

I've been planning this for years.

Once I've finished you
off, and then David,

this is gonna be all over the news.

Everyone's gonna rush out to buy the books

to see what all the fuss is about.

And then my mother's
memory will be honoured.

[Gemma screams]

Is everything all right in here?

We heard a fracas.

Gemma, are you okay?

Run, both of you, get the police.

No, I'm not running anywhere, Gemma.

I've got some pepper spray in here.

Where did you get pepper spray?

Car boot.

[Laura screams]

I swear, it was in here.

There's no point being a hero now.

Quite right.

We don't know for sure
she's the killer, do we?

Innocent until proven guilty.

Yeah, very true.

I never had a problem
with her, personally.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

You go, go.

I love you.

Aw!

Okay.

What?

I, I just don't think
we're quite there yet.

Oh, right.

Hashtag awkward.

Now go and get that mental witch.

[dramatic music]

David.

[jaunty music]

[David screams]

David!

[group screams]

[Terry] Coming through!

Whoa, whoa, mate, we're
closed for cleaning.

You just, you just go in, love.

I'll have to go, I've
had a couple come in.

The woman's caught him
cheating, or something.

Oh, hang on, I think it's a threesome.

[amusement arcade machines bleep]

David.

[Terry] David, where are you?

I'm next to a large
Blackpool Tower ornament.

Or would you classify it as a figurine?

Stay where you are, David.

I'm coming for you.

Laura, you don't need to do this.

Look, I've only known David for 36 hours,

and already I want to kill him.

I don't think you're helping, Terry.

All I'm saying is I know how you feel.

But this isn't the answer.

David drove my mum to
suicide over those books.

Look, perhaps we could
come to some sort of deal.

I'd happily give you a
very generous percentage.

All I want is blood.

[jaunty music]

David.

Where are you now?

I'm by the two pee machines.

They're all bloody two pee machines.

Really?

All of them?

We're just out of the recession.

It's bloody Blackpool, not Monte Carlo.

Just leave it, Terry.

I don't have to kill
anyone else but David.

David.

Help me.

I'd love to, but I think this may be

the opportune time to run away.

Oh, cheers pal.

Only trying to save
your sodding life, here.

Oh dear.

Looks like it's gonna
have to be you after all.

[arcade machine "Game Over" sound]

Welcome to Blackpool, Missy.

Told you.

You did it.

You saved the day.

Have you flossed?

No.

It doesn't matter.

And to think I almost
stole one of your bras.

Don't spoil it, George.

Yes, dear.

You dirty old sod, George.

[seagulls squawking]

Terry!

Oh my God, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I've had worse things thrown
at me by school trips.

How's your hand?

I'll live.

Come here, gently.

Well it seems, uh, I owe you an apology.

Just doing your job, mate.

It's pretty brave, Terry.

You should be proud of him, Miss.

Oh, I am.

I'll be in contact
tomorrow, if that's okay.

Let you get some rest.

I'd, uh, take your statements now,

but the Chief Inspector wants to see me.

Address some of the
mistakes made on the case.

[horses hooves clopping]

Oh, that was ever so exciting,

they'll never believe us back at the home.

Marj would've loved it.

Ah, well maybe in some way she was here,

watching it all with us.

No dear, she's dead.

Don't patronise us.

Right.

I think we can call this
tour well and truly over.

Well, not quite.

[gentle music]

Karen, this is it.

Just like you wanted it.

Back in Blackpool, at the
exact spot where I proposed.

Then we had fish and chips.

It gave you food poisoning which you said

ruined the holiday.

Goodbye, love.

Oh, wait.

The wind's a bit gusty.

Don't want blow back.

This sweater's clean on.

Goodbye love.

Bye Karen.

Bye. Sorry again.

Bye Karen.

Don't worry about the postcard.

If you see Marj, say hello from us.

And ask her where she put
my brown bloody shoes.

[solemn music]

You okay, Graham?

Yeah, fine.

It's done now.

I hope you don't mind me asking, love,

but how did she pass?

I killed her.

[jaunty music]