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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,790 --> 00:00:07,717
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:11,778
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,797 --> 00:00:14,781
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,134
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,213 --> 00:00:21,305
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,473 --> 00:00:23,123
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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It's such a treat to be at
the water park with you guys.
11
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I don't want to freak anyone out,
12
00:00:40,809 --> 00:00:43,310
but Meg is just openly
weeping at the touch tank.
13
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[CRYING] It's been so long.
14
00:00:45,664 --> 00:00:48,739
- Okay. All right.
- I need this so much.
15
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- This is a gift.
- Just gonna...
16
00:00:50,410 --> 00:00:51,501
- You have no idea.
- ... move along here.
17
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You're giving me a gift right now.
18
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You-you take care now.
19
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,249
Yeesh. Imagine being that
desperate for human connection.
20
00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:00,577
Anyway, sir, I've been
stung by a jellyfish,
21
00:01:00,753 --> 00:01:02,011
and I need to be peed on.
22
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Our jellyfish don't sting.
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00:01:03,449 --> 00:01:04,931
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I think, I think I know
24
00:01:04,942 --> 00:01:06,166
when I've been stung.
25
00:01:06,184 --> 00:01:07,425
Now is there an attractive,
26
00:01:07,444 --> 00:01:09,669
well-hydrated manager I can speak to?
27
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,778
Everyone having fun?
28
00:01:11,789 --> 00:01:13,881
You know, this is our first family time
29
00:01:13,892 --> 00:01:15,576
since we went to Dollywood.
30
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- Aw.
- What?
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It's just not what I thought
the sign would look like.
32
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I mean, it's got two O's
right next to each other,
33
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and, you know, it's just...
34
00:01:25,354 --> 00:01:27,504
missed opportunity.
35
00:01:33,036 --> 00:01:34,586
Where's Stewie?
36
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,037
Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting,
37
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and-and what'll that get me, pee-wise?
38
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Ah... !
39
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Stewie!
40
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[BARKING]
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Well, I'm out of ideas.
42
00:01:47,042 --> 00:01:49,042
Someone, help! My baby!
43
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Peter, jump in and save him!
44
00:01:50,909 --> 00:01:53,146
On it! Hang on. Hold my
phone. Hold my ear buds.
45
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Hold my second phone I
hide from your mother.
46
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[PHONE CHIMES]
47
00:01:56,267 --> 00:01:57,508
Hang on.
48
00:01:57,519 --> 00:01:59,355
Respond with an eggplant emoji.
49
00:01:59,366 --> 00:02:00,858
[GRUNTS]
50
00:02:01,981 --> 00:02:04,649
Hey, check out the new
addition. She's hot.
51
00:02:04,734 --> 00:02:06,717
Eh, tank hot.
52
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♪ ♪
53
00:02:12,451 --> 00:02:15,094
[PANTING]
54
00:02:16,783 --> 00:02:19,116
Meg! You saved Stewie!
55
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Thank God everyone is safe.
56
00:02:20,858 --> 00:02:22,361
And as for you, young lady...
57
00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:25,039
- I guess I'm in trouble, huh?
- No, not at all.
58
00:02:25,050 --> 00:02:28,125
In fact, we have a job opening
over at our waterslide park.
59
00:02:28,145 --> 00:02:30,145
I think you'd make an
excellent lifeguard.
60
00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:31,879
Will you apply for the position?
61
00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:32,892
You mean it?
62
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,210
Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale.
63
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:38,332
Now that my sister is dead,
I must have her ruby slippers.
64
00:02:38,629 --> 00:02:41,782
Oh, no. Those shoes now belong...
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00:02:42,261 --> 00:02:43,602
to Meg.
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00:02:43,735 --> 00:02:45,160
♪ ♪
67
00:02:45,544 --> 00:02:47,227
Ah! [BLEEP]
68
00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,380
We're not even close to the same size!
69
00:02:49,615 --> 00:02:51,605
Get 'em off, get 'em off!
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00:02:51,769 --> 00:02:53,122
[CRYING OUT]
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00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:55,477
[ANNOUNCER] In Oz,there's no place like home.
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00:02:55,488 --> 00:02:58,820
For big women's shoes,
there's no place like Kohl's.
73
00:03:08,259 --> 00:03:09,742
What software is that?
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00:03:09,761 --> 00:03:12,412
"Final Draft: 'Extra
Visible To Nearby Patrons
75
00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,110
In the Coffeehouse' Edition"?
76
00:03:14,121 --> 00:03:15,620
Just trying to get a little work done...
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00:03:15,631 --> 00:03:19,009
on my Hollywood
screenplay, for Hollywood.
78
00:03:19,178 --> 00:03:22,404
Home of big Hollywood celebrities.
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00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:26,024
Ike Barinholtz, being an example.
80
00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,104
Do not patronize this man!
81
00:03:28,115 --> 00:03:30,945
I found an insensitive
post in his Twitter feed!
82
00:03:30,956 --> 00:03:32,697
What? I-I would never.
83
00:03:32,791 --> 00:03:34,849
He tweeted something very negative
84
00:03:34,943 --> 00:03:36,293
about Abbott Elementary.
85
00:03:36,444 --> 00:03:38,203
I-I said it was hilarious.
86
00:03:38,297 --> 00:03:40,205
But you didn't use all caps.
87
00:03:40,216 --> 00:03:41,715
You're canceled, mister.
88
00:03:41,950 --> 00:03:43,842
[ALL BOOING]
89
00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:46,598
I'll just gather my things.
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00:03:48,624 --> 00:03:49,973
[WEST] Per hipster law,
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00:03:49,984 --> 00:03:51,950
when a coffeehouse becomes available,
92
00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:55,452
it goes to whoever has the
best coffee pun for the name.
93
00:03:55,471 --> 00:03:56,971
Um, Java the Hut.
94
00:03:56,982 --> 00:03:58,127
Perks and Recreation.
95
00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,380
Uh, Lost and Ground.
96
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:01,676
- Roast Malone.
- Two and a Caf Men.
97
00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:03,703
[WEST] This can go
on for quite a while.
98
00:04:03,786 --> 00:04:08,230
Why, this very shop started
in the '80s as Funky Brewster,
99
00:04:08,309 --> 00:04:09,642
and then Delta Perk.
100
00:04:09,745 --> 00:04:12,228
In the mid '90s, it was briefly a tavern
101
00:04:12,239 --> 00:04:14,889
called Dharma & Grog, and then...
102
00:04:14,908 --> 00:04:16,166
- [BARKING]
- Uhp.
103
00:04:16,317 --> 00:04:17,691
I'll send you back now.
104
00:04:17,702 --> 00:04:19,051
Got to get the dog.
105
00:04:19,062 --> 00:04:20,578
Daisy! Daisy!
106
00:04:20,731 --> 00:04:24,082
It's just the barley man.
You know the barley man.
107
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:25,842
The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf.
108
00:04:26,069 --> 00:04:27,493
Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf.
109
00:04:27,587 --> 00:04:29,328
The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing.
110
00:04:29,348 --> 00:04:31,264
Brian, Brian. Everyone's gone.
111
00:04:32,409 --> 00:04:33,833
Yup, it's all yours.
112
00:04:33,927 --> 00:04:35,426
You can name it whatever.
113
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:36,994
Wow, what should we do first?
114
00:04:37,005 --> 00:04:39,097
We should hang an "Under
New Management" banner
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00:04:39,173 --> 00:04:40,415
to generate interest.
116
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,018
Whoa, someone different
is signing the time cards.
117
00:04:44,029 --> 00:04:45,904
I got to check this place out.
118
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:52,084
Really glad you're applying
for the lifeguard position, Meg.
119
00:04:52,095 --> 00:04:54,159
I just have a few questions.
120
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:57,347
"If I were to ask you how
many times a day you shower,
121
00:04:57,358 --> 00:04:59,191
- what would you say?"
- Uh...
122
00:04:59,228 --> 00:05:01,286
The pool is a shower?
123
00:05:01,297 --> 00:05:03,371
Wow, skipping to page two.
124
00:05:03,539 --> 00:05:05,706
Let's see, this is all just boilerplate
125
00:05:05,717 --> 00:05:08,109
about making sure to
hassle the urban kids
126
00:05:08,202 --> 00:05:10,703
- like they're gonna somehow steal the pool.
- Right, right, right.
127
00:05:10,722 --> 00:05:13,114
That was in the application
packet you emailed.
128
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:15,225
Okay, well, you're basically hired.
129
00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:17,060
The only lifeguard test left is
130
00:05:17,211 --> 00:05:19,879
for you to run all
sultry in slow motion.
131
00:05:19,973 --> 00:05:21,806
["YAKETY SAX" PLAYING]
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♪ ♪
133
00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:38,582
- [SONG ENDS]
- Okay, we can work on that.
134
00:05:42,479 --> 00:05:45,237
Wow, we're finally going to
open our coffeehouse today.
135
00:05:45,465 --> 00:05:47,656
I've been dreaming of this
day for most of the day,
136
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,540
and now it finally pays off.
137
00:05:49,551 --> 00:05:51,143
Yup, only thing left to do is
138
00:05:51,154 --> 00:05:52,487
put the right music on the Sonos.
139
00:05:52,547 --> 00:05:53,988
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Connecting:
140
00:05:54,007 --> 00:05:56,491
- Brian's Knockoff iPhone.
- Wait, why does it say that?
141
00:05:56,509 --> 00:06:00,328
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Playing: Jazz Music
Brian Never Actually Listens To.
142
00:06:00,347 --> 00:06:02,755
- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- Mmm, love this one.
143
00:06:02,990 --> 00:06:05,324
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Favorited,but not listened to once.
144
00:06:05,335 --> 00:06:06,753
Not one single time.
145
00:06:06,764 --> 00:06:08,010
It's okay, Bri, I got this.
146
00:06:08,021 --> 00:06:09,929
[AUTOMATED VOICE]
Connecting: Stewie's iPad
147
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,086
That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him.
148
00:06:12,097 --> 00:06:13,989
Whoa, no, not always.
149
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,426
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Playing:
Songs That Are Guys' Names.
150
00:06:16,578 --> 00:06:18,027
[MALE SINGER] ♪ Robert! ♪
151
00:06:18,038 --> 00:06:19,388
Stop, stop, we're overthinking this.
152
00:06:19,524 --> 00:06:21,321
It's a coffeehouse.
We're legally required
153
00:06:21,332 --> 00:06:23,925
- to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs.
- You're right.
154
00:06:23,936 --> 00:06:25,936
Anyway, what matters
is we're finally ready
155
00:06:26,030 --> 00:06:28,864
to open our new café:
"Oh Joe You D'int."
156
00:06:29,270 --> 00:06:31,684
Uh, did-did we... did
we settle on that name?
157
00:06:32,042 --> 00:06:33,610
[LAUGHS] Don't ask me.
158
00:06:33,621 --> 00:06:35,103
You're the one who
keeps bringing us back
159
00:06:35,122 --> 00:06:37,514
- to "Oh Joe You D'int."
- Yeah, I don't like that one.
160
00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,366
And yet here we are talking about it.
161
00:06:39,518 --> 00:06:40,775
You're the one who won't let it go.
162
00:06:40,795 --> 00:06:42,586
Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever.
163
00:06:43,718 --> 00:06:46,010
All right, are we
serving coffee or what?
164
00:06:47,468 --> 00:06:49,301
[BUSY CHATTER]
165
00:06:49,528 --> 00:06:50,694
Welcome, everyone.
166
00:06:50,713 --> 00:06:52,454
Step right up and get
yourself some coffee.
167
00:06:52,548 --> 00:06:53,973
Stewie, hook these people
up with some coffee.
168
00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:55,808
Okay, where did you put the coffee?
169
00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:58,492
Me? Wha... I... you were in
charge of getting the coffee,
170
00:06:58,646 --> 00:07:01,563
I-I was coming up with
"Oh Joe You D'int."
171
00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:05,473
Well, frick.
172
00:07:05,484 --> 00:07:07,426
Okay, okay, make it look
like we can't help anyone
173
00:07:07,437 --> 00:07:10,063
because we're preparing a
giant order for DoorDash.
174
00:07:10,074 --> 00:07:11,815
- How do we do that?
- Just start throwing
175
00:07:11,826 --> 00:07:13,550
a bunch of stuff into
bags, and I'll keep asking
176
00:07:13,569 --> 00:07:15,786
if the next person
through the door is Dave.
177
00:07:16,572 --> 00:07:19,164
Dave? You Dave?
178
00:07:19,175 --> 00:07:20,600
- Dave?
- What about us?
179
00:07:20,893 --> 00:07:23,669
You're actually here,
so you don't matter.
180
00:07:26,565 --> 00:07:28,065
- [LIVELY CHATTER]
- ♪
♪
181
00:07:28,158 --> 00:07:30,158
[MEG] A job can be more than a job,
182
00:07:30,177 --> 00:07:32,069
if you love what you do.
183
00:07:32,087 --> 00:07:34,571
I am a lifeguard because I love flashing
184
00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:37,558
eye-level swimsuit
crotch shots at families.
185
00:07:38,845 --> 00:07:40,678
I love checking the pH of the pool
186
00:07:40,689 --> 00:07:42,113
by gargling the water and seeing
187
00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:44,534
how quickly it gives
me a yeast infection.
188
00:07:44,544 --> 00:07:45,687
[THUD]
189
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:49,010
Okay, pH a little high here.
190
00:07:49,030 --> 00:07:51,346
I love having a special
whistle that, when you blow it,
191
00:07:51,423 --> 00:07:54,849
it makes the sound of Ray Romano
telling people to cut it out.
192
00:07:54,943 --> 00:07:56,610
[RAY ROMANO'S VOICE] All right, guys,
193
00:07:56,762 --> 00:07:58,262
that's enough over there.
194
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,206
[MEG] But what I love most
about being a lifeguard?
195
00:08:01,217 --> 00:08:03,459
No more abuse from my family.
196
00:08:03,693 --> 00:08:06,027
In fact, no family at all.
197
00:08:06,204 --> 00:08:09,522
It's just me, all day, every day.
198
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,032
- [PETER] Hey, Meg!
- Dad?!
199
00:08:11,159 --> 00:08:12,992
Great news. Since you work here,
200
00:08:13,036 --> 00:08:14,386
I got a discount on a season pass!
201
00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:16,722
I'll be here all day, every day.
202
00:08:16,822 --> 00:08:18,155
And don't worry, I won't set up my towel
203
00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:20,158
next to the breastfeeding moms.
204
00:08:22,524 --> 00:08:26,076
Don't forget to swap halfway
through so you keep 'em even.
205
00:08:31,647 --> 00:08:35,056
Dad, you have no right to
hang out in my workplace.
206
00:08:35,076 --> 00:08:36,742
Well, maybe your workplace
should've thought of that
207
00:08:36,911 --> 00:08:38,819
before they put an ad on my juice box.
208
00:08:38,913 --> 00:08:41,580
I'm a lifeguard, you know.
I could just throw you out.
209
00:08:41,731 --> 00:08:43,957
Aw, come on, Meg. Look,
if you let me stay,
210
00:08:44,143 --> 00:08:46,067
we'll make one of those
viral videos you love.
211
00:08:46,227 --> 00:08:49,228
You know, where something seems
real, but it's actually cake.
212
00:08:49,239 --> 00:08:51,090
Yo, yo, yo, I'm here
with my daughter, Meg,
213
00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:52,257
and her brother, Chris.
214
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:53,751
Or am I?
215
00:08:53,761 --> 00:08:55,335
Ow, Dad! Stop it!
216
00:08:55,504 --> 00:08:56,929
Wait, what happened to Cake Chris?
217
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,057
All right, let's see
what's happening on CakeHub.
218
00:09:01,102 --> 00:09:03,143
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
219
00:09:04,622 --> 00:09:07,106
What a dirty little cake.
220
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,664
Okay, plus, plus, you
know "laugh and cry"?
221
00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,917
You know the... in the song
where Stewie says "laugh and cry"?
222
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,019
Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours.
223
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:15,680
- You'd do that?
- I will look into it.
224
00:09:15,691 --> 00:09:17,599
I will look into it very strongly.
225
00:09:17,618 --> 00:09:19,343
[SOFTLY] ♪ Laugh and cry ♪
226
00:09:19,419 --> 00:09:20,826
Okay, I guess so.
227
00:09:20,837 --> 00:09:23,187
But only if you promise
to follow all the rules.
228
00:09:23,278 --> 00:09:24,312
Guys, we're in!
229
00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:25,406
- Hey, Meg.
- Hey.
230
00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:28,343
Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea.
231
00:09:28,354 --> 00:09:30,650
What if it's very passive?
232
00:09:33,392 --> 00:09:34,782
[BUSY CHATTER]
233
00:09:34,944 --> 00:09:36,351
What are we gonna do, Stewie?!
234
00:09:36,362 --> 00:09:37,641
These people came for coffee,
235
00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:38,743
and we have none to serve them!
236
00:09:38,837 --> 00:09:41,026
Dude, come on. Can I
get some coffee or what?
237
00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:43,913
Uh, hang on. I think I hear
our delivery guy in the back.
238
00:09:44,956 --> 00:09:46,865
What do you mean you
don't have the coffee?!
239
00:09:46,936 --> 00:09:48,120
[AS DELIVERY GUY] I-I know, I'm sorry,
240
00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:49,982
and-and for such a handsome guy, too.
241
00:09:50,193 --> 00:09:51,467
- You're so handsome.
- [AS HIMSELF] Okay, pal,
242
00:09:51,626 --> 00:09:53,368
you're not gonna compliment
your way out of this one.
243
00:09:53,528 --> 00:09:55,544
[AS DELIVERY GUY] Ah, geez,
buddy, you look so tense.
244
00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:56,813
Let's get you out of that apron.
245
00:09:56,966 --> 00:09:58,524
[AS HIMSELF] Oh, come on, I'm at work.
246
00:09:58,542 --> 00:10:01,284
[AS DELIVERY GUY] Oh, when
is that body not working?
247
00:10:01,304 --> 00:10:04,287
Sorry, hang on, just got to
deal with this stupid thing.
248
00:10:04,381 --> 00:10:05,522
Enough of this.
249
00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:06,956
Come on, other college students.
250
00:10:07,192 --> 00:10:08,691
Let's go sign up for a credit card
251
00:10:08,702 --> 00:10:10,327
that gives us a T-shirt!
252
00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:11,489
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
253
00:10:11,622 --> 00:10:12,758
Wait! Hang on!
254
00:10:12,769 --> 00:10:14,472
We got coffee for you right here.
255
00:10:14,617 --> 00:10:17,100
Yep, the highest quality
that you've come to expect
256
00:10:17,111 --> 00:10:18,426
here at "Brew Ha Ha."
257
00:10:18,437 --> 00:10:20,145
I want to change our
name to "Brew Ha Ha."
258
00:10:20,364 --> 00:10:22,647
You're a lifesaver.
Where did you get that?
259
00:10:22,658 --> 00:10:25,008
I ran to the bodega next
door and got some Folgers.
260
00:10:25,132 --> 00:10:27,557
What? We'll never get
away with serving Folgers.
261
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,893
Won't we? Look around, we're a hit.
262
00:10:30,044 --> 00:10:31,728
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
263
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,305
And check it out, we're
already a pretend small business
264
00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:35,624
in a Chase Bank ad.
265
00:10:35,642 --> 00:10:37,475
♪ ♪
266
00:10:37,486 --> 00:10:40,670
[BRIAN] These days, running a small
business can be a big challenge.
267
00:10:40,981 --> 00:10:42,480
[STEWIE] Whether we're
receiving a flower delivery
268
00:10:42,633 --> 00:10:44,299
for unclear reasons...
269
00:10:44,301 --> 00:10:45,409
[BRAIN] Or raising the blinds
270
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,819
and flipping over the
"Open/Closed" sign,
271
00:10:47,971 --> 00:10:49,395
which is how I spend
most of my work day...
272
00:10:49,663 --> 00:10:51,922
[STEWIE] Or even making a
latte for a Black woman,
273
00:10:51,975 --> 00:10:53,642
an iced tea for a white woman,
274
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,278
and a coffee for a gently brown guy
275
00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:57,456
who could go in a lot of
different directions...
276
00:10:57,551 --> 00:10:59,034
[BRIAN] We've got our hands full.
277
00:10:59,106 --> 00:11:01,089
That's why Chase Bank is here for us.
278
00:11:01,242 --> 00:11:03,334
[STEWIE] When this man
in a suit from Chase Bank
279
00:11:03,345 --> 00:11:05,920
came down and shook my hand
at my place of business,
280
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,404
it really solidified
281
00:11:07,415 --> 00:11:09,324
what we'd already talked
about at his office.
282
00:11:09,444 --> 00:11:10,869
[BRIAN] Now we're looking at a laptop,
283
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,380
like my stupid little coffee shop
284
00:11:12,391 --> 00:11:14,575
is gonna be a big disruptor
in the online space.
285
00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:16,273
[STEWIE] And my Chase business card
286
00:11:16,424 --> 00:11:18,333
allows me to make those
emergency purchases
287
00:11:18,351 --> 00:11:19,818
that I'll lose sleep at night over.
288
00:11:19,928 --> 00:11:21,260
[BRIAN] Chase understands my business
289
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,280
the way they understand all businesses,
290
00:11:23,431 --> 00:11:24,948
as a huge reverse funnel
291
00:11:25,175 --> 00:11:27,175
that shoves money upwards to them.
292
00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:29,185
[STEWIE] Hey, another flower delivery.
293
00:11:29,196 --> 00:11:30,512
These'll look great in the bathroom,
294
00:11:30,530 --> 00:11:32,380
while I'm pooping blood from the stress.
295
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,606
[BRIAN] Now I'm flipping over that
296
00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:35,107
"Open/Closed" sign again.
297
00:11:35,202 --> 00:11:37,519
Is that a new stadium
with Chase's name on it?
298
00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:38,778
How'd they afford that?
299
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,705
[STEWIE] I'll be in this
bathroom for a while.
300
00:11:40,799 --> 00:11:41,873
Better toss it to the announcer.
301
00:11:42,025 --> 00:11:43,132
[ANNOUNCER] At Chase Bank,
302
00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:44,517
we're about more than just
303
00:11:44,528 --> 00:11:47,028
foreclosing on American
servicemen while overseas.
304
00:11:47,253 --> 00:11:48,863
We're about small business.
305
00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:50,048
So when you think of Chase,
306
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,458
don't think of the 2008 financial crash,
307
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:55,053
think of your local,
sympathetic small business.
308
00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:56,538
Flower delivery.
309
00:11:56,631 --> 00:11:58,982
[STEWIE] Yeah, guys, we're
good on flowers for a while.
310
00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:01,447
Well, that's great, but it
doesn't change the fact that
311
00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,458
we're passing Folgers
off as real coffee.
312
00:12:03,629 --> 00:12:05,888
Isn't someone going to
know the taste of Folgers?
313
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,232
Relax, Stewie. The only person
314
00:12:07,384 --> 00:12:09,326
who could possibly know
the taste of Folgers
315
00:12:09,553 --> 00:12:12,070
would be an older white man
who works in public education.
316
00:12:12,287 --> 00:12:14,880
I would like a cup of coffee, please.
317
00:12:14,974 --> 00:12:16,398
Oh...
318
00:12:16,416 --> 00:12:17,616
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
319
00:12:17,627 --> 00:12:20,511
[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]
320
00:12:24,659 --> 00:12:25,800
[LAUGHING]
321
00:12:27,495 --> 00:12:30,162
Dad, you promised you'd
follow all the rules.
322
00:12:30,386 --> 00:12:32,368
I told you, no horseplay.
323
00:12:32,463 --> 00:12:35,055
[LAUGHS] We're having
big wrassle-fights
324
00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:37,775
a'cause it's the only way we
know how to express affection.
325
00:12:37,930 --> 00:12:39,675
- Gonna get you, Peter.
- Me, too.
326
00:12:39,686 --> 00:12:40,760
And not because I love you
327
00:12:40,771 --> 00:12:42,795
and I don't have the words to say it.
328
00:12:42,806 --> 00:12:44,047
I'm just having normal fun
329
00:12:44,058 --> 00:12:45,449
without all that mess.
330
00:12:45,494 --> 00:12:47,086
Okay, guys, out of the pool.
331
00:12:47,238 --> 00:12:49,037
I gave you a chance, and you blew it.
332
00:12:49,048 --> 00:12:50,564
You're kicked out of the park.
333
00:12:50,575 --> 00:12:52,350
- What?
- Go home.
334
00:12:52,361 --> 00:12:53,675
I'm kicking you out.
335
00:12:53,686 --> 00:12:55,077
Gotta catch me first.
336
00:12:55,096 --> 00:12:57,004
Just try to get me out of the deep end
337
00:12:57,023 --> 00:13:00,107
with these long-legged,
short-torsoed giants.
338
00:13:01,596 --> 00:13:02,779
Dad!
339
00:13:05,531 --> 00:13:07,273
Oh, my God, he's not breathing.
340
00:13:07,425 --> 00:13:09,759
♪ ♪
341
00:13:09,777 --> 00:13:12,537
Okay, guys. Come on now.
342
00:13:12,764 --> 00:13:14,163
Please breathe, Dad.
343
00:13:28,014 --> 00:13:30,466
- Hey.
- Hey.
344
00:13:31,239 --> 00:13:33,972
Your mouth was... on my mouth.
345
00:13:33,983 --> 00:13:35,649
Uh, I think.
346
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,895
Maybe a little. Yeah.
347
00:13:38,188 --> 00:13:40,280
My God, Peter. That's your daughter.
348
00:13:40,291 --> 00:13:41,624
Adopted daughter?
349
00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:43,401
No, Woody, just-just regular daughter.
350
00:13:43,552 --> 00:13:45,903
Oh, ye-yeah, then ew,
that's-that's wrong, ew.
351
00:13:50,468 --> 00:13:51,867
♪ ♪
352
00:13:52,928 --> 00:13:55,929
Okay, so... our mouths were...
353
00:13:55,963 --> 00:13:57,555
totally touching each other.
354
00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:58,994
Y-Yes.
355
00:13:59,208 --> 00:14:00,391
But that's okay. That's okay.
356
00:14:00,402 --> 00:14:02,478
'Cause you were saving my
life, so it's not weird.
357
00:14:02,496 --> 00:14:03,662
Right, it's not w...
358
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,886
It's the opposite of weird.
359
00:14:05,897 --> 00:14:07,222
Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah.
360
00:14:07,233 --> 00:14:09,400
And, anyway, we can just say
this never happened, right?
361
00:14:09,411 --> 00:14:10,577
'Cause nobody even saw us.
362
00:14:10,597 --> 00:14:13,080
[LAUGHING]
363
00:14:13,328 --> 00:14:14,748
Ooh, they're all distracted.
364
00:14:14,842 --> 00:14:17,268
Other urban kids, this is our chance.
365
00:14:21,107 --> 00:14:23,774
♪ ♪
366
00:14:25,181 --> 00:14:26,578
Stewie, what are we gonna do?
367
00:14:26,589 --> 00:14:28,595
If we serve coffee
to Principal Shepherd,
368
00:14:28,615 --> 00:14:30,569
he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers.
369
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:31,764
I say we wait him out.
370
00:14:31,818 --> 00:14:34,668
Any middle-aged white man
can be ignored indefinitely,
371
00:14:34,679 --> 00:14:36,287
unless he clears his throat.
372
00:14:36,529 --> 00:14:37,695
[CLEARS THROAT]
373
00:14:37,706 --> 00:14:38,930
Welp, we're out of moves.
374
00:14:39,214 --> 00:14:40,956
Um, hi. How may I help you?
375
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,893
I would like a cup of coffee.
376
00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:46,154
Y-Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up.
377
00:14:48,209 --> 00:14:50,301
♪ ♪
378
00:15:11,087 --> 00:15:14,346
Wait a minute, this is
Folgers instant coffee.
379
00:15:14,357 --> 00:15:15,764
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
380
00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:17,849
I would know, we
served it at my wedding.
381
00:15:17,889 --> 00:15:19,146
Yes, everyone, we admit it.
382
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,390
We didn't have our normal
coffee beans on hand,
383
00:15:21,483 --> 00:15:23,501
and so we've been serving
you the cheap stuff.
384
00:15:23,874 --> 00:15:25,565
You're all drinking Folgers.
385
00:15:27,563 --> 00:15:28,896
That's awesome.
386
00:15:28,907 --> 00:15:30,348
It... it is?
387
00:15:30,368 --> 00:15:31,667
Heck yeah, man.
388
00:15:31,678 --> 00:15:33,827
We're, like, paying way a
lot of our parents' money
389
00:15:33,846 --> 00:15:36,107
for our parents' own cheap coffee?
390
00:15:36,118 --> 00:15:37,406
That's kind of meta.
391
00:15:37,425 --> 00:15:39,091
Like, seriously alt and iro.
392
00:15:39,488 --> 00:15:41,230
[CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT]
393
00:15:41,409 --> 00:15:43,594
Well, that went different
from how I expected.
394
00:15:43,605 --> 00:15:46,197
Yup, kids these days are
pretty forgiving and tolerant.
395
00:15:46,556 --> 00:15:48,833
This dog and baby are
banned from society forever
396
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,472
'cause of an Internet thing.
397
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,651
One of them keeps trying
to slide into AOC's DMs.
398
00:15:53,739 --> 00:15:55,719
- Brian?
- She's hot,
399
00:15:55,730 --> 00:15:57,719
but we're supposed to pretend she's not.
400
00:15:57,730 --> 00:15:59,380
Well, who's that red lipstick for?
401
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,453
[CROWD BOOS]
402
00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:04,247
I guess the coffee shop's available.
403
00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:05,749
Roast Busters.
404
00:16:05,976 --> 00:16:07,508
Good luck.
405
00:16:07,510 --> 00:16:10,277
♪ ♪
406
00:16:11,314 --> 00:16:13,164
Oh, back from the water park, you two?
407
00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:14,816
Anything unusual happen?
408
00:16:14,985 --> 00:16:16,484
Yeah. No. I mean,
409
00:16:16,952 --> 00:16:19,236
I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy,
410
00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:22,248
but he was, like,
way not blood-related.
411
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:25,160
Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news.
412
00:16:25,178 --> 00:16:27,195
Our top story, creepy lip-lock
413
00:16:27,197 --> 00:16:29,330
saves a life at Quahog water park.
414
00:16:29,499 --> 00:16:31,666
Local man Peter Griffin was revived by
415
00:16:31,685 --> 00:16:34,502
a game of tonsil-hockey
with lifeguard Meg Griffin,
416
00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:36,762
who... I'm placing my hand over my ear
417
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,506
and pretending to get new information...
418
00:16:38,525 --> 00:16:39,857
is his own daughter?
419
00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:42,184
Babe, it's not what you think.
420
00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:43,887
Yeah, I was just saving his life.
421
00:16:43,898 --> 00:16:45,547
He means nothing to me.
422
00:16:45,578 --> 00:16:47,317
I want to believe that, Meg.
423
00:16:47,328 --> 00:16:49,479
But look what people
are saying on Facebook.
424
00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:51,507
"This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson.
425
00:16:51,584 --> 00:16:53,825
"So not okay," Donna Brown.
426
00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:55,994
"Russia USA number one support,"
427
00:16:56,088 --> 00:16:58,347
woman's face with Getty Image watermark.
428
00:16:58,424 --> 00:17:00,349
Our family is a laughing stock.
429
00:17:00,426 --> 00:17:01,909
Why are you being like this?
430
00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:03,577
I was just doing my job.
431
00:17:03,671 --> 00:17:07,248
I know, but I'm sorry,
it-it's just weird.
432
00:17:07,266 --> 00:17:08,840
I feel humiliated.
433
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,100
If you'll excuse me,
434
00:17:10,253 --> 00:17:12,753
I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone,
which is how TV depicts
435
00:17:12,846 --> 00:17:15,698
a woman at her lowest point emotionally.
436
00:17:15,778 --> 00:17:16,992
This is insane.
437
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,525
Yeah, when are people gonna grow up?
438
00:17:18,536 --> 00:17:21,946
♪ Peter and Megan, sitting in a tree ♪
439
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,449
♪ K-I-S-S... ♪
440
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,034
Oh...
441
00:17:27,286 --> 00:17:29,770
♪ E... N-G. ♪
442
00:17:29,789 --> 00:17:32,364
- [BELL RINGS]
- [ANNOUNCER] And Chris Griffin is eliminated,
443
00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:34,959
which means Boopresh
Armiteg will repeat as
444
00:17:35,111 --> 00:17:36,385
National Spelling Champion.
445
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:39,376
Congrats to his
always-frowning Indian parents
446
00:17:39,387 --> 00:17:41,387
joylessly clapping in the audience.
447
00:17:41,663 --> 00:17:43,530
[APPLAUSE]
448
00:17:43,711 --> 00:17:46,395
♪ ♪
449
00:17:46,622 --> 00:17:47,972
Guys, we called this meeting
450
00:17:48,132 --> 00:17:50,632
because there are a lot of
hurtful rumors swirling around,
451
00:17:50,643 --> 00:17:52,703
- and we have something to say to you.
- That's right.
452
00:17:52,714 --> 00:17:54,323
- You guys are being stupid.
- Meg and I are in love.
453
00:17:54,388 --> 00:17:55,887
What? No, Dad,
454
00:17:55,898 --> 00:17:57,542
we're telling them that they're idiots
455
00:17:57,553 --> 00:17:59,053
- and to cut it out.
- Right, I...
456
00:17:59,091 --> 00:18:00,850
That's what I meant,
I-I'm all confused.
457
00:18:01,061 --> 00:18:02,653
I-I'm not in love with Meg, I-I ju...
458
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,664
I need to return a ring to Zales.
459
00:18:04,675 --> 00:18:05,682
[CRYING]
460
00:18:07,827 --> 00:18:08,918
[BOTH GASP]
461
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,791
Oh, my God, your father's not breathing.
462
00:18:12,017 --> 00:18:13,850
Meg, you have to give
him mouth-to-mouth.
463
00:18:13,896 --> 00:18:16,154
Me? You do it. You're his wife.
464
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:18,486
I need at least four
beers to get there, Meg.
465
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,763
Besides, you're the
only one who knows how.
466
00:18:20,914 --> 00:18:22,748
No way, I already did it once,
467
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,008
and it made my life hell.
468
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,510
Meg, please. This is our father!
469
00:18:26,662 --> 00:18:27,828
Probably.
470
00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:29,245
What's that supposed to mean?
471
00:18:29,256 --> 00:18:30,606
We've all heard stories of
472
00:18:30,758 --> 00:18:33,078
your time on the Hoobastank tour bus.
473
00:18:33,089 --> 00:18:35,752
Meg, your father is
dying and he needs you,
474
00:18:35,763 --> 00:18:37,947
and I am not going to
sit here and apologize for
475
00:18:38,024 --> 00:18:39,431
what I may or may not have done
476
00:18:39,525 --> 00:18:41,008
with the Hoobastank bassist.
477
00:18:41,027 --> 00:18:42,451
"Hoobastank bassist"?
478
00:18:42,603 --> 00:18:44,269
You don't even know the guy's name.
479
00:18:44,363 --> 00:18:45,863
They've had like five bass players,
480
00:18:46,015 --> 00:18:48,624
and, anyway, it's not like
I was writing down names.
481
00:18:48,776 --> 00:18:50,167
[PETER GASPS]
482
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:53,546
What's the big deal?
483
00:18:53,557 --> 00:18:55,298
You stick your tongue down Dad's throat.
484
00:18:55,309 --> 00:18:56,957
Most natural thing in the world.
485
00:18:56,968 --> 00:18:58,283
Where the hell have you been?
486
00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,553
Brian and I did a coffee
house thing, I don't know.
487
00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,689
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
488
00:19:04,383 --> 00:19:07,034
I have to take this. Hey, you.
489
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:10,204
Listen, Meg. I'm glad you
saved my life at the pool.
490
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:12,714
But I'm sorry I came
there in the first place.
491
00:19:12,725 --> 00:19:14,725
Everyone deserves a place of their own,
492
00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:16,152
and I get that now.
493
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,628
I promise I'll treat
you better in the future.
494
00:19:18,818 --> 00:19:20,981
You know, we've had
conversations like this
495
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:24,976
again and again, and
nothing ever changes.
496
00:19:24,996 --> 00:19:27,905
You're a terrible father,
and I'm counting the days
497
00:19:28,057 --> 00:19:29,314
till I move out of this house.
498
00:19:29,408 --> 00:19:31,742
Okay, but what if, in
the spirit of inclusion,
499
00:19:31,894 --> 00:19:34,628
I tell you "I love
you" in sign language?
500
00:19:39,701 --> 00:19:42,627
Oh, I love you too, Dad.
501
00:19:43,046 --> 00:19:44,546
[PETER] But this never happened
502
00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:46,998
because no one resuscitated me.
503
00:19:47,093 --> 00:19:48,500
I did wake up eventually,
504
00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:51,412
but now I need help
feeding and bathing myself.
505
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,839
I spend most of my days
getting walked around
506
00:19:53,858 --> 00:19:55,916
by a nurse who talks to
her sister on her phone.
507
00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:58,419
[NURSE] Whoa, hold up.
Mom gave you the necklace?
508
00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:00,392
[PETER] That's her now.
509
00:20:04,443 --> 00:20:05,851
♪ ♪
510
00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:06,944
Well, Meg, I gotta say,
511
00:20:07,096 --> 00:20:09,372
I'm proud of you for going to
that water park each day
512
00:20:09,383 --> 00:20:10,922
and working a job that you love.
513
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,432
Oh, I quit that place.
514
00:20:12,443 --> 00:20:13,859
- What?
- Yeah, the weather turned
515
00:20:13,878 --> 00:20:16,027
two degrees cooler than
I like, so I just bailed.
516
00:20:16,384 --> 00:20:18,377
That's the girl I raised.
517
00:20:18,388 --> 00:20:21,148
Yay, our generation folds at nothing.
518
00:20:21,509 --> 00:20:23,693
And, Stewie, I'm sorry our
coffee house didn't work out.
519
00:20:24,046 --> 00:20:25,879
I wonder how Principal
Shepherd's doing with it.
520
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:28,382
Eh, I hear he's going with
a "teachers' lounge" theme.
521
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:30,040
Your entire pastry case
522
00:20:30,051 --> 00:20:33,035
is just Tupperware with people's
names written in Sharpie.
523
00:20:33,046 --> 00:20:36,214
Don't forget this sad box
of donuts cut into quarters.
524
00:20:36,392 --> 00:20:38,633
Everyone, let's all talk about things
525
00:20:38,644 --> 00:20:40,486
that parents have told us in confidence.
526
00:20:44,185 --> 00:20:45,882
[ANNOUNCER] It's kind of
like Abbott Elementary,
527
00:20:45,893 --> 00:20:48,135
which is amazing. Amazing!
528
00:20:48,304 --> 00:20:50,788
You gotta watch it. Oh, my God!
529
00:20:51,058 --> 00:20:56,058
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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