All language subtitles for Family Guy - 22x13 - Lifeguard Meg.TGx+EDITH.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,397 --> 00:00:04,386 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,790 --> 00:00:07,717 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:11,778 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,797 --> 00:00:14,781 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,134 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,213 --> 00:00:21,305 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,473 --> 00:00:23,123 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,141 --> 00:00:24,307 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:30,238 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,816 --> 00:00:39,604 It's such a treat to be at the water park with you guys. 11 00:00:39,615 --> 00:00:40,798 I don't want to freak anyone out, 12 00:00:40,809 --> 00:00:43,310 but Meg is just openly weeping at the touch tank. 13 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,653 [CRYING] It's been so long. 14 00:00:45,664 --> 00:00:48,739 - Okay. All right. - I need this so much. 15 00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:50,258 - This is a gift. - Just gonna... 16 00:00:50,410 --> 00:00:51,501 - You have no idea. - ... move along here. 17 00:00:51,653 --> 00:00:53,320 You're giving me a gift right now. 18 00:00:53,338 --> 00:00:54,745 You-you take care now. 19 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,249 Yeesh. Imagine being that desperate for human connection. 20 00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:00,577 Anyway, sir, I've been stung by a jellyfish, 21 00:01:00,753 --> 00:01:02,011 and I need to be peed on. 22 00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:03,438 Our jellyfish don't sting. 23 00:01:03,449 --> 00:01:04,931 [CHUCKLES] Yeah, I think, I think I know 24 00:01:04,942 --> 00:01:06,166 when I've been stung. 25 00:01:06,184 --> 00:01:07,425 Now is there an attractive, 26 00:01:07,444 --> 00:01:09,669 well-hydrated manager I can speak to? 27 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,778 Everyone having fun? 28 00:01:11,789 --> 00:01:13,881 You know, this is our first family time 29 00:01:13,892 --> 00:01:15,576 since we went to Dollywood. 30 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,836 - Aw. - What? 31 00:01:18,847 --> 00:01:20,605 It's just not what I thought the sign would look like. 32 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,002 I mean, it's got two O's right next to each other, 33 00:01:23,013 --> 00:01:25,180 and, you know, it's just... 34 00:01:25,354 --> 00:01:27,504 missed opportunity. 35 00:01:33,036 --> 00:01:34,586 Where's Stewie? 36 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,037 Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting, 37 00:01:37,057 --> 00:01:38,965 and-and what'll that get me, pee-wise? 38 00:01:38,976 --> 00:01:40,383 Ah... ! 39 00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:41,641 Stewie! 40 00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:44,358 [BARKING] 41 00:01:45,632 --> 00:01:47,031 Well, I'm out of ideas. 42 00:01:47,042 --> 00:01:49,042 Someone, help! My baby! 43 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,534 Peter, jump in and save him! 44 00:01:50,909 --> 00:01:53,146 On it! Hang on. Hold my phone. Hold my ear buds. 45 00:01:53,334 --> 00:01:55,241 Hold my second phone I hide from your mother. 46 00:01:55,252 --> 00:01:56,256 [PHONE CHIMES] 47 00:01:56,267 --> 00:01:57,508 Hang on. 48 00:01:57,519 --> 00:01:59,355 Respond with an eggplant emoji. 49 00:01:59,366 --> 00:02:00,858 [GRUNTS] 50 00:02:01,981 --> 00:02:04,649 Hey, check out the new addition. She's hot. 51 00:02:04,734 --> 00:02:06,717 Eh, tank hot. 52 00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:09,379 ♪ ♪ 53 00:02:12,451 --> 00:02:15,094 [PANTING] 54 00:02:16,783 --> 00:02:19,116 Meg! You saved Stewie! 55 00:02:19,136 --> 00:02:20,802 Thank God everyone is safe. 56 00:02:20,858 --> 00:02:22,361 And as for you, young lady... 57 00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:25,039 - I guess I'm in trouble, huh? - No, not at all. 58 00:02:25,050 --> 00:02:28,125 In fact, we have a job opening over at our waterslide park. 59 00:02:28,145 --> 00:02:30,145 I think you'd make an excellent lifeguard. 60 00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:31,879 Will you apply for the position? 61 00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:32,892 You mean it? 62 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,210 Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. 63 00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:38,332 Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers. 64 00:02:38,629 --> 00:02:41,782 Oh, no. Those shoes now belong... 65 00:02:42,261 --> 00:02:43,602 to Meg. 66 00:02:43,735 --> 00:02:45,160 ♪ ♪ 67 00:02:45,544 --> 00:02:47,227 Ah! [BLEEP] 68 00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,380 We're not even close to the same size! 69 00:02:49,615 --> 00:02:51,605 Get 'em off, get 'em off! 70 00:02:51,769 --> 00:02:53,122 [CRYING OUT] 71 00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:55,477 [ANNOUNCER] In Oz, there's no place like home. 72 00:02:55,488 --> 00:02:58,820 For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. 73 00:03:08,259 --> 00:03:09,742 What software is that? 74 00:03:09,761 --> 00:03:12,412 "Final Draft: 'Extra Visible To Nearby Patrons 75 00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,110 In the Coffeehouse' Edition"? 76 00:03:14,121 --> 00:03:15,620 Just trying to get a little work done... 77 00:03:15,631 --> 00:03:19,009 on my Hollywood screenplay, for Hollywood. 78 00:03:19,178 --> 00:03:22,404 Home of big Hollywood celebrities. 79 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:26,024 Ike Barinholtz, being an example. 80 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,104 Do not patronize this man! 81 00:03:28,115 --> 00:03:30,945 I found an insensitive post in his Twitter feed! 82 00:03:30,956 --> 00:03:32,697 What? I-I would never. 83 00:03:32,791 --> 00:03:34,849 He tweeted something very negative 84 00:03:34,943 --> 00:03:36,293 about Abbott Elementary. 85 00:03:36,444 --> 00:03:38,203 I-I said it was hilarious. 86 00:03:38,297 --> 00:03:40,205 But you didn't use all caps. 87 00:03:40,216 --> 00:03:41,715 You're canceled, mister. 88 00:03:41,950 --> 00:03:43,842 [ALL BOOING] 89 00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:46,598 I'll just gather my things. 90 00:03:48,624 --> 00:03:49,973 [WEST] Per hipster law, 91 00:03:49,984 --> 00:03:51,950 when a coffeehouse becomes available, 92 00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:55,452 it goes to whoever has the best coffee pun for the name. 93 00:03:55,471 --> 00:03:56,971 Um, Java the Hut. 94 00:03:56,982 --> 00:03:58,127 Perks and Recreation. 95 00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,380 Uh, Lost and Ground. 96 00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:01,676 - Roast Malone. - Two and a Caf Men. 97 00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:03,703 [WEST] This can go on for quite a while. 98 00:04:03,786 --> 00:04:08,230 Why, this very shop started in the '80s as Funky Brewster, 99 00:04:08,309 --> 00:04:09,642 and then Delta Perk. 100 00:04:09,745 --> 00:04:12,228 In the mid '90s, it was briefly a tavern 101 00:04:12,239 --> 00:04:14,889 called Dharma & Grog, and then... 102 00:04:14,908 --> 00:04:16,166 - [BARKING] - Uhp. 103 00:04:16,317 --> 00:04:17,691 I'll send you back now. 104 00:04:17,702 --> 00:04:19,051 Got to get the dog. 105 00:04:19,062 --> 00:04:20,578 Daisy! Daisy! 106 00:04:20,731 --> 00:04:24,082 It's just the barley man. You know the barley man. 107 00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:25,842 The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf. 108 00:04:26,069 --> 00:04:27,493 Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf. 109 00:04:27,587 --> 00:04:29,328 The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing. 110 00:04:29,348 --> 00:04:31,264 Brian, Brian. Everyone's gone. 111 00:04:32,409 --> 00:04:33,833 Yup, it's all yours. 112 00:04:33,927 --> 00:04:35,426 You can name it whatever. 113 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:36,994 Wow, what should we do first? 114 00:04:37,005 --> 00:04:39,097 We should hang an "Under New Management" banner 115 00:04:39,173 --> 00:04:40,415 to generate interest. 116 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,018 Whoa, someone different is signing the time cards. 117 00:04:44,029 --> 00:04:45,904 I got to check this place out. 118 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:52,084 Really glad you're applying for the lifeguard position, Meg. 119 00:04:52,095 --> 00:04:54,159 I just have a few questions. 120 00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:57,347 "If I were to ask you how many times a day you shower, 121 00:04:57,358 --> 00:04:59,191 - what would you say?" - Uh... 122 00:04:59,228 --> 00:05:01,286 The pool is a shower? 123 00:05:01,297 --> 00:05:03,371 Wow, skipping to page two. 124 00:05:03,539 --> 00:05:05,706 Let's see, this is all just boilerplate 125 00:05:05,717 --> 00:05:08,109 about making sure to hassle the urban kids 126 00:05:08,202 --> 00:05:10,703 - like they're gonna somehow steal the pool. - Right, right, right. 127 00:05:10,722 --> 00:05:13,114 That was in the application packet you emailed. 128 00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:15,225 Okay, well, you're basically hired. 129 00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:17,060 The only lifeguard test left is 130 00:05:17,211 --> 00:05:19,879 for you to run all sultry in slow motion. 131 00:05:19,973 --> 00:05:21,806 ["YAKETY SAX" PLAYING] 132 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,775 ♪ ♪ 133 00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:38,582 - [SONG ENDS] - Okay, we can work on that. 134 00:05:42,479 --> 00:05:45,237 Wow, we're finally going to open our coffeehouse today. 135 00:05:45,465 --> 00:05:47,656 I've been dreaming of this day for most of the day, 136 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,540 and now it finally pays off. 137 00:05:49,551 --> 00:05:51,143 Yup, only thing left to do is 138 00:05:51,154 --> 00:05:52,487 put the right music on the Sonos. 139 00:05:52,547 --> 00:05:53,988 [AUTOMATED VOICE] Connecting: 140 00:05:54,007 --> 00:05:56,491 - Brian's Knockoff iPhone. - Wait, why does it say that? 141 00:05:56,509 --> 00:06:00,328 [AUTOMATED VOICE] Playing: Jazz Music Brian Never Actually Listens To. 142 00:06:00,347 --> 00:06:02,755 - [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] - Mmm, love this one. 143 00:06:02,990 --> 00:06:05,324 [AUTOMATED VOICE] Favorited, but not listened to once. 144 00:06:05,335 --> 00:06:06,753 Not one single time. 145 00:06:06,764 --> 00:06:08,010 It's okay, Bri, I got this. 146 00:06:08,021 --> 00:06:09,929 [AUTOMATED VOICE] Connecting: Stewie's iPad 147 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,086 That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him. 148 00:06:12,097 --> 00:06:13,989 Whoa, no, not always. 149 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,426 [AUTOMATED VOICE] Playing: Songs That Are Guys' Names. 150 00:06:16,578 --> 00:06:18,027 [MALE SINGER] ♪ Robert! ♪ 151 00:06:18,038 --> 00:06:19,388 Stop, stop, we're overthinking this. 152 00:06:19,524 --> 00:06:21,321 It's a coffeehouse. We're legally required 153 00:06:21,332 --> 00:06:23,925 - to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs. - You're right. 154 00:06:23,936 --> 00:06:25,936 Anyway, what matters is we're finally ready 155 00:06:26,030 --> 00:06:28,864 to open our new café: "Oh Joe You D'int." 156 00:06:29,270 --> 00:06:31,684 Uh, did-did we... did we settle on that name? 157 00:06:32,042 --> 00:06:33,610 [LAUGHS] Don't ask me. 158 00:06:33,621 --> 00:06:35,103 You're the one who keeps bringing us back 159 00:06:35,122 --> 00:06:37,514 - to "Oh Joe You D'int." - Yeah, I don't like that one. 160 00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,366 And yet here we are talking about it. 161 00:06:39,518 --> 00:06:40,775 You're the one who won't let it go. 162 00:06:40,795 --> 00:06:42,586 Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever. 163 00:06:43,718 --> 00:06:46,010 All right, are we serving coffee or what? 164 00:06:47,468 --> 00:06:49,301 [BUSY CHATTER] 165 00:06:49,528 --> 00:06:50,694 Welcome, everyone. 166 00:06:50,713 --> 00:06:52,454 Step right up and get yourself some coffee. 167 00:06:52,548 --> 00:06:53,973 Stewie, hook these people up with some coffee. 168 00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:55,808 Okay, where did you put the coffee? 169 00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:58,492 Me? Wha... I... you were in charge of getting the coffee, 170 00:06:58,646 --> 00:07:01,563 I-I was coming up with "Oh Joe You D'int." 171 00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:05,473 Well, frick. 172 00:07:05,484 --> 00:07:07,426 Okay, okay, make it look like we can't help anyone 173 00:07:07,437 --> 00:07:10,063 because we're preparing a giant order for DoorDash. 174 00:07:10,074 --> 00:07:11,815 - How do we do that? - Just start throwing 175 00:07:11,826 --> 00:07:13,550 a bunch of stuff into bags, and I'll keep asking 176 00:07:13,569 --> 00:07:15,786 if the next person through the door is Dave. 177 00:07:16,572 --> 00:07:19,164 Dave? You Dave? 178 00:07:19,175 --> 00:07:20,600 - Dave? - What about us? 179 00:07:20,893 --> 00:07:23,669 You're actually here, so you don't matter. 180 00:07:26,565 --> 00:07:28,065 - [LIVELY CHATTER] - ♪ ♪ 181 00:07:28,158 --> 00:07:30,158 [MEG] A job can be more than a job, 182 00:07:30,177 --> 00:07:32,069 if you love what you do. 183 00:07:32,087 --> 00:07:34,571 I am a lifeguard because I love flashing 184 00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:37,558 eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. 185 00:07:38,845 --> 00:07:40,678 I love checking the pH of the pool 186 00:07:40,689 --> 00:07:42,113 by gargling the water and seeing 187 00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:44,534 how quickly it gives me a yeast infection. 188 00:07:44,544 --> 00:07:45,687 [THUD] 189 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:49,010 Okay, pH a little high here. 190 00:07:49,030 --> 00:07:51,346 I love having a special whistle that, when you blow it, 191 00:07:51,423 --> 00:07:54,849 it makes the sound of Ray Romano telling people to cut it out. 192 00:07:54,943 --> 00:07:56,610 [RAY ROMANO'S VOICE] All right, guys, 193 00:07:56,762 --> 00:07:58,262 that's enough over there. 194 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,206 [MEG] But what I love most about being a lifeguard? 195 00:08:01,217 --> 00:08:03,459 No more abuse from my family. 196 00:08:03,693 --> 00:08:06,027 In fact, no family at all. 197 00:08:06,204 --> 00:08:09,522 It's just me, all day, every day. 198 00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,032 - [PETER] Hey, Meg! - Dad?! 199 00:08:11,159 --> 00:08:12,992 Great news. Since you work here, 200 00:08:13,036 --> 00:08:14,386 I got a discount on a season pass! 201 00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:16,722 I'll be here all day, every day. 202 00:08:16,822 --> 00:08:18,155 And don't worry, I won't set up my towel 203 00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:20,158 next to the breastfeeding moms. 204 00:08:22,524 --> 00:08:26,076 Don't forget to swap halfway through so you keep 'em even. 205 00:08:31,647 --> 00:08:35,056 Dad, you have no right to hang out in my workplace. 206 00:08:35,076 --> 00:08:36,742 Well, maybe your workplace should've thought of that 207 00:08:36,911 --> 00:08:38,819 before they put an ad on my juice box. 208 00:08:38,913 --> 00:08:41,580 I'm a lifeguard, you know. I could just throw you out. 209 00:08:41,731 --> 00:08:43,957 Aw, come on, Meg. Look, if you let me stay, 210 00:08:44,143 --> 00:08:46,067 we'll make one of those viral videos you love. 211 00:08:46,227 --> 00:08:49,228 You know, where something seems real, but it's actually cake. 212 00:08:49,239 --> 00:08:51,090 Yo, yo, yo, I'm here with my daughter, Meg, 213 00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:52,257 and her brother, Chris. 214 00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:53,751 Or am I? 215 00:08:53,761 --> 00:08:55,335 Ow, Dad! Stop it! 216 00:08:55,504 --> 00:08:56,929 Wait, what happened to Cake Chris? 217 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,057 All right, let's see what's happening on CakeHub. 218 00:09:01,102 --> 00:09:03,143 [SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING] 219 00:09:04,622 --> 00:09:07,106 What a dirty little cake. 220 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,664 Okay, plus, plus, you know "laugh and cry"? 221 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,917 You know the... in the song where Stewie says "laugh and cry"? 222 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,019 Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours. 223 00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:15,680 - You'd do that? - I will look into it. 224 00:09:15,691 --> 00:09:17,599 I will look into it very strongly. 225 00:09:17,618 --> 00:09:19,343 [SOFTLY] ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 226 00:09:19,419 --> 00:09:20,826 Okay, I guess so. 227 00:09:20,837 --> 00:09:23,187 But only if you promise to follow all the rules. 228 00:09:23,278 --> 00:09:24,312 Guys, we're in! 229 00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:25,406 - Hey, Meg. - Hey. 230 00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:28,343 Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea. 231 00:09:28,354 --> 00:09:30,650 What if it's very passive? 232 00:09:33,392 --> 00:09:34,782 [BUSY CHATTER] 233 00:09:34,944 --> 00:09:36,351 What are we gonna do, Stewie?! 234 00:09:36,362 --> 00:09:37,641 These people came for coffee, 235 00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:38,743 and we have none to serve them! 236 00:09:38,837 --> 00:09:41,026 Dude, come on. Can I get some coffee or what? 237 00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:43,913 Uh, hang on. I think I hear our delivery guy in the back. 238 00:09:44,956 --> 00:09:46,865 What do you mean you don't have the coffee?! 239 00:09:46,936 --> 00:09:48,120 [AS DELIVERY GUY] I-I know, I'm sorry, 240 00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:49,982 and-and for such a handsome guy, too. 241 00:09:50,193 --> 00:09:51,467 - You're so handsome. - [AS HIMSELF] Okay, pal, 242 00:09:51,626 --> 00:09:53,368 you're not gonna compliment your way out of this one. 243 00:09:53,528 --> 00:09:55,544 [AS DELIVERY GUY] Ah, geez, buddy, you look so tense. 244 00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:56,813 Let's get you out of that apron. 245 00:09:56,966 --> 00:09:58,524 [AS HIMSELF] Oh, come on, I'm at work. 246 00:09:58,542 --> 00:10:01,284 [AS DELIVERY GUY] Oh, when is that body not working? 247 00:10:01,304 --> 00:10:04,287 Sorry, hang on, just got to deal with this stupid thing. 248 00:10:04,381 --> 00:10:05,522 Enough of this. 249 00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:06,956 Come on, other college students. 250 00:10:07,192 --> 00:10:08,691 Let's go sign up for a credit card 251 00:10:08,702 --> 00:10:10,327 that gives us a T-shirt! 252 00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:11,489 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 253 00:10:11,622 --> 00:10:12,758 Wait! Hang on! 254 00:10:12,769 --> 00:10:14,472 We got coffee for you right here. 255 00:10:14,617 --> 00:10:17,100 Yep, the highest quality that you've come to expect 256 00:10:17,111 --> 00:10:18,426 here at "Brew Ha Ha." 257 00:10:18,437 --> 00:10:20,145 I want to change our name to "Brew Ha Ha." 258 00:10:20,364 --> 00:10:22,647 You're a lifesaver. Where did you get that? 259 00:10:22,658 --> 00:10:25,008 I ran to the bodega next door and got some Folgers. 260 00:10:25,132 --> 00:10:27,557 What? We'll never get away with serving Folgers. 261 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,893 Won't we? Look around, we're a hit. 262 00:10:30,044 --> 00:10:31,728 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 263 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,305 And check it out, we're already a pretend small business 264 00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:35,624 in a Chase Bank ad. 265 00:10:35,642 --> 00:10:37,475 ♪ ♪ 266 00:10:37,486 --> 00:10:40,670 [BRIAN] These days, running a small business can be a big challenge. 267 00:10:40,981 --> 00:10:42,480 [STEWIE] Whether we're receiving a flower delivery 268 00:10:42,633 --> 00:10:44,299 for unclear reasons... 269 00:10:44,301 --> 00:10:45,409 [BRAIN] Or raising the blinds 270 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,819 and flipping over the "Open/Closed" sign, 271 00:10:47,971 --> 00:10:49,395 which is how I spend most of my work day... 272 00:10:49,663 --> 00:10:51,922 [STEWIE] Or even making a latte for a Black woman, 273 00:10:51,975 --> 00:10:53,642 an iced tea for a white woman, 274 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,278 and a coffee for a gently brown guy 275 00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:57,456 who could go in a lot of different directions... 276 00:10:57,551 --> 00:10:59,034 [BRIAN] We've got our hands full. 277 00:10:59,106 --> 00:11:01,089 That's why Chase Bank is here for us. 278 00:11:01,242 --> 00:11:03,334 [STEWIE] When this man in a suit from Chase Bank 279 00:11:03,345 --> 00:11:05,920 came down and shook my hand at my place of business, 280 00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,404 it really solidified 281 00:11:07,415 --> 00:11:09,324 what we'd already talked about at his office. 282 00:11:09,444 --> 00:11:10,869 [BRIAN] Now we're looking at a laptop, 283 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,380 like my stupid little coffee shop 284 00:11:12,391 --> 00:11:14,575 is gonna be a big disruptor in the online space. 285 00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:16,273 [STEWIE] And my Chase business card 286 00:11:16,424 --> 00:11:18,333 allows me to make those emergency purchases 287 00:11:18,351 --> 00:11:19,818 that I'll lose sleep at night over. 288 00:11:19,928 --> 00:11:21,260 [BRIAN] Chase understands my business 289 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,280 the way they understand all businesses, 290 00:11:23,431 --> 00:11:24,948 as a huge reverse funnel 291 00:11:25,175 --> 00:11:27,175 that shoves money upwards to them. 292 00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:29,185 [STEWIE] Hey, another flower delivery. 293 00:11:29,196 --> 00:11:30,512 These'll look great in the bathroom, 294 00:11:30,530 --> 00:11:32,380 while I'm pooping blood from the stress. 295 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,606 [BRIAN] Now I'm flipping over that 296 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:35,107 "Open/Closed" sign again. 297 00:11:35,202 --> 00:11:37,519 Is that a new stadium with Chase's name on it? 298 00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:38,778 How'd they afford that? 299 00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,705 [STEWIE] I'll be in this bathroom for a while. 300 00:11:40,799 --> 00:11:41,873 Better toss it to the announcer. 301 00:11:42,025 --> 00:11:43,132 [ANNOUNCER] At Chase Bank, 302 00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:44,517 we're about more than just 303 00:11:44,528 --> 00:11:47,028 foreclosing on American servicemen while overseas. 304 00:11:47,253 --> 00:11:48,863 We're about small business. 305 00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:50,048 So when you think of Chase, 306 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,458 don't think of the 2008 financial crash, 307 00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:55,053 think of your local, sympathetic small business. 308 00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:56,538 Flower delivery. 309 00:11:56,631 --> 00:11:58,982 [STEWIE] Yeah, guys, we're good on flowers for a while. 310 00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:01,447 Well, that's great, but it doesn't change the fact that 311 00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,458 we're passing Folgers off as real coffee. 312 00:12:03,629 --> 00:12:05,888 Isn't someone going to know the taste of Folgers? 313 00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,232 Relax, Stewie. The only person 314 00:12:07,384 --> 00:12:09,326 who could possibly know the taste of Folgers 315 00:12:09,553 --> 00:12:12,070 would be an older white man who works in public education. 316 00:12:12,287 --> 00:12:14,880 I would like a cup of coffee, please. 317 00:12:14,974 --> 00:12:16,398 Oh... 318 00:12:16,416 --> 00:12:17,616 [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 319 00:12:17,627 --> 00:12:20,511 [WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE] 320 00:12:24,659 --> 00:12:25,800 [LAUGHING] 321 00:12:27,495 --> 00:12:30,162 Dad, you promised you'd follow all the rules. 322 00:12:30,386 --> 00:12:32,368 I told you, no horseplay. 323 00:12:32,463 --> 00:12:35,055 [LAUGHS] We're having big wrassle-fights 324 00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:37,775 a'cause it's the only way we know how to express affection. 325 00:12:37,930 --> 00:12:39,675 - Gonna get you, Peter. - Me, too. 326 00:12:39,686 --> 00:12:40,760 And not because I love you 327 00:12:40,771 --> 00:12:42,795 and I don't have the words to say it. 328 00:12:42,806 --> 00:12:44,047 I'm just having normal fun 329 00:12:44,058 --> 00:12:45,449 without all that mess. 330 00:12:45,494 --> 00:12:47,086 Okay, guys, out of the pool. 331 00:12:47,238 --> 00:12:49,037 I gave you a chance, and you blew it. 332 00:12:49,048 --> 00:12:50,564 You're kicked out of the park. 333 00:12:50,575 --> 00:12:52,350 - What? - Go home. 334 00:12:52,361 --> 00:12:53,675 I'm kicking you out. 335 00:12:53,686 --> 00:12:55,077 Gotta catch me first. 336 00:12:55,096 --> 00:12:57,004 Just try to get me out of the deep end 337 00:12:57,023 --> 00:13:00,107 with these long-legged, short-torsoed giants. 338 00:13:01,596 --> 00:13:02,779 Dad! 339 00:13:05,531 --> 00:13:07,273 Oh, my God, he's not breathing. 340 00:13:07,425 --> 00:13:09,759 ♪ ♪ 341 00:13:09,777 --> 00:13:12,537 Okay, guys. Come on now. 342 00:13:12,764 --> 00:13:14,163 Please breathe, Dad. 343 00:13:28,014 --> 00:13:30,466 - Hey. - Hey. 344 00:13:31,239 --> 00:13:33,972 Your mouth was... on my mouth. 345 00:13:33,983 --> 00:13:35,649 Uh, I think. 346 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,895 Maybe a little. Yeah. 347 00:13:38,188 --> 00:13:40,280 My God, Peter. That's your daughter. 348 00:13:40,291 --> 00:13:41,624 Adopted daughter? 349 00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:43,401 No, Woody, just-just regular daughter. 350 00:13:43,552 --> 00:13:45,903 Oh, ye-yeah, then ew, that's-that's wrong, ew. 351 00:13:50,468 --> 00:13:51,867 ♪ ♪ 352 00:13:52,928 --> 00:13:55,929 Okay, so... our mouths were... 353 00:13:55,963 --> 00:13:57,555 totally touching each other. 354 00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:58,994 Y-Yes. 355 00:13:59,208 --> 00:14:00,391 But that's okay. That's okay. 356 00:14:00,402 --> 00:14:02,478 'Cause you were saving my life, so it's not weird. 357 00:14:02,496 --> 00:14:03,662 Right, it's not w... 358 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,886 It's the opposite of weird. 359 00:14:05,897 --> 00:14:07,222 Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah. 360 00:14:07,233 --> 00:14:09,400 And, anyway, we can just say this never happened, right? 361 00:14:09,411 --> 00:14:10,577 'Cause nobody even saw us. 362 00:14:10,597 --> 00:14:13,080 [LAUGHING] 363 00:14:13,328 --> 00:14:14,748 Ooh, they're all distracted. 364 00:14:14,842 --> 00:14:17,268 Other urban kids, this is our chance. 365 00:14:21,107 --> 00:14:23,774 ♪ ♪ 366 00:14:25,181 --> 00:14:26,578 Stewie, what are we gonna do? 367 00:14:26,589 --> 00:14:28,595 If we serve coffee to Principal Shepherd, 368 00:14:28,615 --> 00:14:30,569 he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers. 369 00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:31,764 I say we wait him out. 370 00:14:31,818 --> 00:14:34,668 Any middle-aged white man can be ignored indefinitely, 371 00:14:34,679 --> 00:14:36,287 unless he clears his throat. 372 00:14:36,529 --> 00:14:37,695 [CLEARS THROAT] 373 00:14:37,706 --> 00:14:38,930 Welp, we're out of moves. 374 00:14:39,214 --> 00:14:40,956 Um, hi. How may I help you? 375 00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,893 I would like a cup of coffee. 376 00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:46,154 Y-Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up. 377 00:14:48,209 --> 00:14:50,301 ♪ ♪ 378 00:15:11,087 --> 00:15:14,346 Wait a minute, this is Folgers instant coffee. 379 00:15:14,357 --> 00:15:15,764 [CROWD EXCLAIMS] 380 00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:17,849 I would know, we served it at my wedding. 381 00:15:17,889 --> 00:15:19,146 Yes, everyone, we admit it. 382 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,390 We didn't have our normal coffee beans on hand, 383 00:15:21,483 --> 00:15:23,501 and so we've been serving you the cheap stuff. 384 00:15:23,874 --> 00:15:25,565 You're all drinking Folgers. 385 00:15:27,563 --> 00:15:28,896 That's awesome. 386 00:15:28,907 --> 00:15:30,348 It... it is? 387 00:15:30,368 --> 00:15:31,667 Heck yeah, man. 388 00:15:31,678 --> 00:15:33,827 We're, like, paying way a lot of our parents' money 389 00:15:33,846 --> 00:15:36,107 for our parents' own cheap coffee? 390 00:15:36,118 --> 00:15:37,406 That's kind of meta. 391 00:15:37,425 --> 00:15:39,091 Like, seriously alt and iro. 392 00:15:39,488 --> 00:15:41,230 [CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT] 393 00:15:41,409 --> 00:15:43,594 Well, that went different from how I expected. 394 00:15:43,605 --> 00:15:46,197 Yup, kids these days are pretty forgiving and tolerant. 395 00:15:46,556 --> 00:15:48,833 This dog and baby are banned from society forever 396 00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,472 'cause of an Internet thing. 397 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,651 One of them keeps trying to slide into AOC's DMs. 398 00:15:53,739 --> 00:15:55,719 - Brian? - She's hot, 399 00:15:55,730 --> 00:15:57,719 but we're supposed to pretend she's not. 400 00:15:57,730 --> 00:15:59,380 Well, who's that red lipstick for? 401 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,453 [CROWD BOOS] 402 00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:04,247 I guess the coffee shop's available. 403 00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:05,749 Roast Busters. 404 00:16:05,976 --> 00:16:07,508 Good luck. 405 00:16:07,510 --> 00:16:10,277 ♪ ♪ 406 00:16:11,314 --> 00:16:13,164 Oh, back from the water park, you two? 407 00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:14,816 Anything unusual happen? 408 00:16:14,985 --> 00:16:16,484 Yeah. No. I mean, 409 00:16:16,952 --> 00:16:19,236 I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy, 410 00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:22,248 but he was, like, way not blood-related. 411 00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:25,160 Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news. 412 00:16:25,178 --> 00:16:27,195 Our top story, creepy lip-lock 413 00:16:27,197 --> 00:16:29,330 saves a life at Quahog water park. 414 00:16:29,499 --> 00:16:31,666 Local man Peter Griffin was revived by 415 00:16:31,685 --> 00:16:34,502 a game of tonsil-hockey with lifeguard Meg Griffin, 416 00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:36,762 who... I'm placing my hand over my ear 417 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,506 and pretending to get new information... 418 00:16:38,525 --> 00:16:39,857 is his own daughter? 419 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:42,184 Babe, it's not what you think. 420 00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:43,887 Yeah, I was just saving his life. 421 00:16:43,898 --> 00:16:45,547 He means nothing to me. 422 00:16:45,578 --> 00:16:47,317 I want to believe that, Meg. 423 00:16:47,328 --> 00:16:49,479 But look what people are saying on Facebook. 424 00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:51,507 "This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson. 425 00:16:51,584 --> 00:16:53,825 "So not okay," Donna Brown. 426 00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:55,994 "Russia USA number one support," 427 00:16:56,088 --> 00:16:58,347 woman's face with Getty Image watermark. 428 00:16:58,424 --> 00:17:00,349 Our family is a laughing stock. 429 00:17:00,426 --> 00:17:01,909 Why are you being like this? 430 00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:03,577 I was just doing my job. 431 00:17:03,671 --> 00:17:07,248 I know, but I'm sorry, it-it's just weird. 432 00:17:07,266 --> 00:17:08,840 I feel humiliated. 433 00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,100 If you'll excuse me, 434 00:17:10,253 --> 00:17:12,753 I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone, which is how TV depicts 435 00:17:12,846 --> 00:17:15,698 a woman at her lowest point emotionally. 436 00:17:15,778 --> 00:17:16,992 This is insane. 437 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,525 Yeah, when are people gonna grow up? 438 00:17:18,536 --> 00:17:21,946 ♪ Peter and Megan, sitting in a tree ♪ 439 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,449 ♪ K-I-S-S... ♪ 440 00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,034 Oh... 441 00:17:27,286 --> 00:17:29,770 ♪ E... N-G. ♪ 442 00:17:29,789 --> 00:17:32,364 - [BELL RINGS] - [ANNOUNCER] And Chris Griffin is eliminated, 443 00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:34,959 which means Boopresh Armiteg will repeat as 444 00:17:35,111 --> 00:17:36,385 National Spelling Champion. 445 00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:39,376 Congrats to his always-frowning Indian parents 446 00:17:39,387 --> 00:17:41,387 joylessly clapping in the audience. 447 00:17:41,663 --> 00:17:43,530 [APPLAUSE] 448 00:17:43,711 --> 00:17:46,395 ♪ ♪ 449 00:17:46,622 --> 00:17:47,972 Guys, we called this meeting 450 00:17:48,132 --> 00:17:50,632 because there are a lot of hurtful rumors swirling around, 451 00:17:50,643 --> 00:17:52,703 - and we have something to say to you. - That's right. 452 00:17:52,714 --> 00:17:54,323 - You guys are being stupid. - Meg and I are in love. 453 00:17:54,388 --> 00:17:55,887 What? No, Dad, 454 00:17:55,898 --> 00:17:57,542 we're telling them that they're idiots 455 00:17:57,553 --> 00:17:59,053 - and to cut it out. - Right, I... 456 00:17:59,091 --> 00:18:00,850 That's what I meant, I-I'm all confused. 457 00:18:01,061 --> 00:18:02,653 I-I'm not in love with Meg, I-I ju... 458 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,664 I need to return a ring to Zales. 459 00:18:04,675 --> 00:18:05,682 [CRYING] 460 00:18:07,827 --> 00:18:08,918 [BOTH GASP] 461 00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,791 Oh, my God, your father's not breathing. 462 00:18:12,017 --> 00:18:13,850 Meg, you have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 463 00:18:13,896 --> 00:18:16,154 Me? You do it. You're his wife. 464 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:18,486 I need at least four beers to get there, Meg. 465 00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,763 Besides, you're the only one who knows how. 466 00:18:20,914 --> 00:18:22,748 No way, I already did it once, 467 00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,008 and it made my life hell. 468 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,510 Meg, please. This is our father! 469 00:18:26,662 --> 00:18:27,828 Probably. 470 00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:29,245 What's that supposed to mean? 471 00:18:29,256 --> 00:18:30,606 We've all heard stories of 472 00:18:30,758 --> 00:18:33,078 your time on the Hoobastank tour bus. 473 00:18:33,089 --> 00:18:35,752 Meg, your father is dying and he needs you, 474 00:18:35,763 --> 00:18:37,947 and I am not going to sit here and apologize for 475 00:18:38,024 --> 00:18:39,431 what I may or may not have done 476 00:18:39,525 --> 00:18:41,008 with the Hoobastank bassist. 477 00:18:41,027 --> 00:18:42,451 "Hoobastank bassist"? 478 00:18:42,603 --> 00:18:44,269 You don't even know the guy's name. 479 00:18:44,363 --> 00:18:45,863 They've had like five bass players, 480 00:18:46,015 --> 00:18:48,624 and, anyway, it's not like I was writing down names. 481 00:18:48,776 --> 00:18:50,167 [PETER GASPS] 482 00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:53,546 What's the big deal? 483 00:18:53,557 --> 00:18:55,298 You stick your tongue down Dad's throat. 484 00:18:55,309 --> 00:18:56,957 Most natural thing in the world. 485 00:18:56,968 --> 00:18:58,283 Where the hell have you been? 486 00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,553 Brian and I did a coffee house thing, I don't know. 487 00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,689 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 488 00:19:04,383 --> 00:19:07,034 I have to take this. Hey, you. 489 00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:10,204 Listen, Meg. I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. 490 00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:12,714 But I'm sorry I came there in the first place. 491 00:19:12,725 --> 00:19:14,725 Everyone deserves a place of their own, 492 00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:16,152 and I get that now. 493 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,628 I promise I'll treat you better in the future. 494 00:19:18,818 --> 00:19:20,981 You know, we've had conversations like this 495 00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:24,976 again and again, and nothing ever changes. 496 00:19:24,996 --> 00:19:27,905 You're a terrible father, and I'm counting the days 497 00:19:28,057 --> 00:19:29,314 till I move out of this house. 498 00:19:29,408 --> 00:19:31,742 Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, 499 00:19:31,894 --> 00:19:34,628 I tell you "I love you" in sign language? 500 00:19:39,701 --> 00:19:42,627 Oh, I love you too, Dad. 501 00:19:43,046 --> 00:19:44,546 [PETER] But this never happened 502 00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:46,998 because no one resuscitated me. 503 00:19:47,093 --> 00:19:48,500 I did wake up eventually, 504 00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:51,412 but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. 505 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,839 I spend most of my days getting walked around 506 00:19:53,858 --> 00:19:55,916 by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone. 507 00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:58,419 [NURSE] Whoa, hold up. Mom gave you the necklace? 508 00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:00,392 [PETER] That's her now. 509 00:20:04,443 --> 00:20:05,851 ♪ ♪ 510 00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:06,944 Well, Meg, I gotta say, 511 00:20:07,096 --> 00:20:09,372 I'm proud of you for going to that water park each day 512 00:20:09,383 --> 00:20:10,922 and working a job that you love. 513 00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,432 Oh, I quit that place. 514 00:20:12,443 --> 00:20:13,859 - What? - Yeah, the weather turned 515 00:20:13,878 --> 00:20:16,027 two degrees cooler than I like, so I just bailed. 516 00:20:16,384 --> 00:20:18,377 That's the girl I raised. 517 00:20:18,388 --> 00:20:21,148 Yay, our generation folds at nothing. 518 00:20:21,509 --> 00:20:23,693 And, Stewie, I'm sorry our coffee house didn't work out. 519 00:20:24,046 --> 00:20:25,879 I wonder how Principal Shepherd's doing with it. 520 00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:28,382 Eh, I hear he's going with a "teachers' lounge" theme. 521 00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:30,040 Your entire pastry case 522 00:20:30,051 --> 00:20:33,035 is just Tupperware with people's names written in Sharpie. 523 00:20:33,046 --> 00:20:36,214 Don't forget this sad box of donuts cut into quarters. 524 00:20:36,392 --> 00:20:38,633 Everyone, let's all talk about things 525 00:20:38,644 --> 00:20:40,486 that parents have told us in confidence. 526 00:20:44,185 --> 00:20:45,882 [ANNOUNCER] It's kind of like Abbott Elementary, 527 00:20:45,893 --> 00:20:48,135 which is amazing. Amazing! 528 00:20:48,304 --> 00:20:50,788 You gotta watch it. Oh, my God! 529 00:20:51,058 --> 00:20:56,058 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com - 39886

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