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Oh.

Oh, thank God you guys are on time.

I gotta pick up my car
before the mechanic closes.

Uh, the kids are alive.

Uh, the hallway toilet is clogged,

but I had nothing to do with it.

Please stand aside.

Can we ask you a quick
question before you go?

Asking me if you can ask me

is already less quick
than just asking me.

Okay, but saying all of that

is less quick than just saying yes.

Please, just ask me the quick question.

Are Trey and I right for each other?

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What do you mean, are
you right for each other?

It just seems like a good thing to know

before we get married, you know?

Or maybe even before you got engaged.

Well, obviously we
wholeheartedly believe

we are right for each other.

We just... we want to be sure.

"Wholeheartedly" means sure.

Whole heart.

No heart remaining for unsure.

- We want to do a pre-Cana.
- Yeah.

Julia explained to
me what a pre-Cana is.

It's the Catholic Church's version

of premarital counseling.

Mm. Lifetime Catholic, Trey.

No explanation necessary.

If a pre-Cana is what you
want, then good for you.

Knock yourselves out.

Go get 'em. Break a leg.

Or as Catholics rarely say, mazel tov.

Well, uh, we can't do
an official pre-Cana

because we can't have a church wedding

because as you know, the church

doesn't recognize divorce.

Mm. Well, what can I say?

You should have read the fine print.

Well, uh, we want someone to give us

an unofficial pre-Cana
that's just as effective

as the real thing.

Pfft, what poor bastard
would agree to that?

N-no. No. No.

Are you kid... no!

Don't you want us to
have the best chance

for a happy marriage?

Mm, absolutely.

But just in case, I will
be in a fortified bunker.

Jim, what about the children?

There's room in the bunker for them too.

Look, this marriage has
to stick for their sake.

That's right, one divorce can play havoc

on the next generation's
psyche, but two?

That's like growing up in an Adele song.

Look, you are the
perfect person to do this.

Nobody knows better
than you what it's like

to be married to me.

But I think it's better
if I take that information

to my grave.

Nobody knows what
better questions to ask,

what the surprises might be,
what irritants could be hiding

in unlabeled containers.

Uh, yeah.

I mean, haven't you ever wondered

what might have happened if
you and I had done a pre-Cana?

I have not.

I have always told
myself that our divorce

was as inevitable as the sunrise,

and my self has never argued.

Wait a minute, you guys
never did a pre-Cana?

You didn't know that?

Well, there's a lot we don't know,

which is why we gotta do a pre-Cana.

We skipped our pre-Cana. We
signed up, but we didn't go.

- We didn't think we needed it.
- We thought we knew everything.

- We were wrong.
- So wrong.

- We knew nothing.
- Nothing.

That's blood under the bridge.

And some lymph.

But I must admit that a pre-Cana

- might have been a good idea.
- Is that a yes?

Not yet.

If I were to do this, if I were
to go violently and stupidly

against my better judgment,

I would need a few days
to do thorough research.

By all means.

- Is that a yes?
- Not yet.

We would all have to agree
to take this very seriously.

Absolutely. We're all
stakeholders in this outcome.

- Is that a yes?
- Not yet.

I will pull no punches,
and you two must promise

to be scrupulously honest.

- We will be.
- This can't be just a gloss.

Your pre-Cana cannot be pro forma.

Just say it's a yes, Jim.

It is the absence...

of a no.

I can't imagine why
you two ever split up.

Let me just say, I think
this pre-Cana is a great idea.

One train wreck per lifetime
should be everyone's limit.

Mm.

Our marriage was not a train wreck, Dad.

We simply chose to change
trains at "Oh, my God,

we made a terrible mistake" station.

You guys are gonna crush this.

And make sure you do,
because we don't want

to have to break in a new guy.

That's a joke.

My God, you guys act like
I wasn't raised by you.

If it snows, put on your hats, please.

Oh, that's what those are for.

A wedding is a day, but
a marriage is a lifetime.

Theoretically. Not in our case.

Welcome, Julia and
Trey, to your bootleg,

discount pre-Cana.

Speaking as your friend,
it is my fervent hope

that you will sail
through with flying colors.

But speaking as your pre-Cana proctor,

I must now drill down and probe deeply

into the recesses of your compatibility,

becoming, if you will,
your "proctorologist."

Before we begin, let us
bow our heads and pray.

Okay. yes.

Dear God, get us through
this in one piece.

Okay.

Now, we are going to
divide our exercises today

into three segments: The past,
the present, and the future.

First up, the past.

Please stand back-to-back.

- Oh, gladly.
- Yes.

Now, each time you discover
something you did not know,

please take a big, healthy
step away from your betrothed.

- Roger.
- Got it.

- Julia...
- Mm-hmm.

Where did Trey go to college?

MIT.

Sorry.

Trey, how old was Julia when
she spoke her first words?

2 1/2.

Which was late, but she
more than made up for it.

- So far, so good.
- Yeah, we're doing great.

Mm, uh-huh.

Julia, did you know that Trey played

the role of Mary Poppins
in his prep school's

production of the musical?

No.

Well, it was an all-boys
school, and I was 11,

so the songs were in my vocal range.

Wow, you did your research.

Strap in, Mary, 'cause
we're just getting started.

Actually, it was Marty.

Marty Poppins?

Mm.

- Uh, Julia?
- Oh, sorry, yeah.

Um, Trey, did you know
that there was once

a bench warrant out for Julia's arrest?

- No.
- Skinny-dipping.

- Sue me.
- Yes, you got it.

Julia, did you know that
Trey's nickname growing up

was Smarty Pants Punch Him in the Face?

I did not.

Mm, perhaps the least surprising

of today's revelations.

Trey, did you know that Julia once

egged her neighbor's house
the night before Halloween?

Well, teenagers do stupid things.

She was 35.

- I was 34.
- Mm.

Julia, did you know that Trey lost

the National Spelling Bee
on a two-syllable word?

The word was "fuchsia,"

and that little sucker's
full of surprises.

Trey, did you know that
once, while on holiday

- in the South of France, Julia...
- Jim, no!

Julia pooped her pants

and abandoned them
in a field of cabbage?

Oh, you promised me that you
would take that to your grave.

Oh, I will.

I will that all the way
to the glorious hereafter.

I will never not be able to take that.

Cut me some slack.

It's all day long with
the cheese in that country.

Babe, I love you.

I'ma take three steps
on that one, though.

Which puts you in the hallway
and Julia in the kitchen.

And what does that tell us?

These things that
we've uncovered so far,

they may seem inconsequential,

but when taken in the aggregate, uh,

they are a canary in a coal mine,

a canary that is saying, awk,
you may not know each other

as well as you think.

Brack!

That sounds like a parrot.

I don't know, Jim. This is kind of fun.

Why do people say this is so hard?

Ah, a couple that is
confident and curious.

Pre-Cana has you just
where it wants you.

- Can I come back in the apartment now?
- Yes.

But if you'll excuse me,
I have a costume change.

And now...

Pre-Cana segment 2, the present,

in which we will play

"The Prospective Newlywed Game."

I've asked you each to
predict your fiancé's answer

to a series of questions,
and then I've written

those predictions down on the
cards you hold in your lap.

Every time your predictions
match your beloved's answers,

you'll score points.

Should we answer in question form, Jim?

No, Trey. That's "Jeopardy!"

You may be in jeopardy,
but you're not on it.

We understand, and we are
loving this experience.

- Yes.
- Good.

Now, let's begin, please,
because polyester suits

don't so much breathe as asphyxiate.

Julia, how many times a day did
Trey say he thinks about sex?

Was it: A, 5 to 10 times a day;

B, more than 10 times a day;

or, C, way more than 10 times a day?

I will say that he thinks about sex

5 to 10 times a day, Jim.

Trey, hold up your card, please.

250 times a day.

That wasn't even one of the choices.

How did you come up with that number?

Uh, two days ago, I gave him
one of those click counters.

Yeah, and, uh, every time I
think about sex, I click it.

Did you just think about sex?

I sure did.

Why don't you read a book?

Read a great one last night.

Next question.

Julia, which of the two of you

did Trey say was more romantic?

Oh, that's easy. He said Julia.

Trey?

He said Trey.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, if you are the more romantic,

make up a love song about
me right now and sing it.

No problem.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

♪ Trey ♪

♪ I really gotta say ♪

♪ That I am way ♪

♪ More romantic ♪

- That's terrible.
- Well, look, it's... it's hard. It's hard.

Is it? Really?

♪ You are the perfect person for me ♪

♪ The only one I can see ♪

♪ You're where I wanna be, Julia ♪

- All right, all right.
- ♪ I am ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
- ♪ The perfect person for you ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
- ♪ If you were ever untrue ♪

♪ I don't know what I would do ♪

- ♪ Julia ♪
- ♪ Wah-wah ♪

- ♪ Julia-a-a ♪
- ♪ Wah-wah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, Julia ♪

Just saying.

And we are cooking with gas.

Next question.

Trey, what did Julia say

was her most repulsive personal habit?

Well, that's a layup, because Julia said

she has no repulsive personal
habits because she doesn't.

How do you feel about a terrible

eustachian tube hocking noise?

- A what, now?
- Oh.

I have a small hole
in my Eustachian tube

that sometimes itches really badly,

and I can only relieve
it by making a certain,

uh, small... a noise.

- What kind of noise?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Julia, would you make the noise, please?

Mm.

Mm.

- Oh, my God.
- Well, look, I only do it

when no one else is around.

When she thinks no one else is around.

Have you been to a doctor?
I think you need to see a doctor.

Doctors say nothing can be done.

How about an exorcist?

They won't see me because I'm divorced.

Quick check of the scoreboard.

Uh, you are the only competitors,

and yet you are losing.

Next question. Julia,
what fictional character did Trey say

he'd most like to make whoopee with?

Oh, oh, this one I
know because he told me.

- I did?
- Yes.

On our first date, I said
mine was Sir Lancelot,

and you said, oh, what a coincidence

because yours was Lady Guinevere.

- I said Lady Guinevere?
- Yes.

Yes, and... and that was the
moment I thought, this is meant to be.

I mean, this is a man that I could love.

Trey, turn over your card, please.

- I'd really rather not.
- Trey.

Lola Bunny...

From "Space Jam."

What? She's hot.

I can't believe you said Guinevere

when you didn't mean Guinevere.

I can't believe you're fixated

on some stupid thing I
said on our first date

when I was trying to get into...

your life.

Well, I can't believe you
thought there would have been

a second date if it
didn't matter, the things

- we said on our first date.
- Are you kidding me?

You told me you loved
basketball on our first date.

I do love... elements of it.

I... I love the songs that
they play during the time-outs.

I... I love the T-shirt
cannons. I love the kiss cam.

I love the halftime show
with the cheerleaders

dancing in their cute little outfits.

So help me, if you
click that thing again.

Are we having a fight?

Yeah, I think we are.

Friends, that's all we have time for.

I hope you'll join us
again in a few minutes

for segment 3, the future.

Because if you thought
this was trouble, stick around.

Steady as she goes, Julia.

Here in segment 3, the future,

this "Jenga" tower is a
metaphor for your marriage.

Each time either one of you answer false

to any of my questions,

you'll have to remove another block.

I know. I know.

Ha-ha.

True or false?

I have no problem with
the idea that my spouse

is the very last person with whom

I will ever, ever, ever have sex.

I am just fine with that.

I'll enjoy having sex with
my spouse and only my spouse

over and over and over
and over and over again

until everything else
in the universe is dead.

True.

Over and over...

- I got it.
- And over... Okay.

True or false?

I am willing to move
far away from Boston

for my spouse's sake.

- True.
- Wha... would that be after the kids

have grown and left the nest?

Mm, sorry, but as a
responsible pre-Cana proctor,

I can only reread the
question, which is, again...

False.

Please take another piece
out of your marriage.

Absolutely no pressure.

Now, true or false?

If my spouse were rendered brain-dead,

I would unplug him or her
without their previous consent.

Who would answer that
question without more detail?

Who would answer the question

"Do you take this woman
for your wedded wife?"

without more detail?

For example, uh, would she kill you

just because you couldn't blink?

False. Fine, false. False.

- False.
- Trey... or, if I may, Godzilla,

Tokyo awaits.

Oh.

Oh, oh, a little
tremor there, I thought.

Uh, but, you know, somehow the,
uh... the tower clings to life.

True or false?

I would like to have
children with my spouse.

True.

Don't you?

Oh. Oh, wait a minute.

You... you guys never discussed this?

You covered the Knights of
the Round Table but not this?

I guess I always assumed
we'd try, at least.

And I guess I assumed you understood

that I was done with
people plopping out of me.

This is a thing.

Uh, Julia, um...

I know, Jim.

Oh, the humanity.

- You're loving this, aren't you?
- What?

You've taken obvious
glee in it from the start.

Obvious Schadenfreude.

Oh, oh, we're breaking
out the German now?

Because it's the perfect word

for someone who enjoys
other people's pain.

Well, I know a little
German myself, pal.

I know "good morning"

and "Frederick Street train station."

Schadenfreude,
Schadenfreude, Schadenfreude.

Guten Morgen.

Bahnhof Friedrichstrasse.

Why do I even bother with you?

You picked me for this.

I did what you asked me.

I... I... I put your
relationship to a stress test.

You know, like they do with airplanes
before they make them fly?

But it's not my fault
that the wings snapped off,

the engine caught
fire, and the rest of it

slammed into a mountain.

Well, where does that leave us?

Dead but wiser?

I take it back. I take back what I said.

I can see exactly why you two broke up.

Because Jim is so Jim.

No, that's not why we broke up.

- Thank you.
- I mean, it didn't help,

but it's... it's not the reason.

You know, we broke up
because we weren't prepared.

For what?

For what happens in the
natural course of things.

Believe it or not, Jim and
I were once in love too.

You don't have to make it
sound like science fiction.

But we didn't know how
to keep our marriage

thriving when, you know...

When the... the blissful
fog of early love gave way

to the spirit-sucking,
mind-numbing sameness of, uh,

actual married life.

Let's just say things
changed, and we panicked.

And then we thought that getting
married must have been a mistake.

And then you start treating
each other that way,

and then it's too late.

Uh, the truth is, most
of the little things

that came out today,
the... the eustachian tubes

and the Lola Bunnies,
they're not the problem.

Although they're strange and disturbing.

Uh, I mean, I didn't
have a... a Lola Bunny.

I was more of a Heather Locklear guy.

She had that hair that
kind of framed her face

and those, uh, one-piece bathing suits.

Trey, where did you put that clicker?

When Jim first heard the throat noise,

it was early days, and he liked it.

"Liked" is a strong word.

He thought it was all part of the charm.

Yeah. I... I did.

But later on, that's the
kind of thing you point to.

Over your shoulder, as you're
running away at top speed.

The narcotic haze falls
away for everybody.

I mean, believe it
or not, at some point,

there will come a day when
the only time you and I

are gonna want to see each other naked

is to check for melanomas.

Well, what happens then?

Well, first of all,
you check for melanomas.

What happens is that this time,

I'll know that it's normal.

Do you trust me to know what
to do when that day comes,

to... to know that it's just
the end of the beginning,

not the beginning of the end?

Julia, I trust you with everything.

If it turned out that
we didn't have kids,

would that be a deal-breaker?

Oh. Sorry, sorry. That's me.

Sorry. Mm. Sorry.

Um, sorry, uh, comma, uh,
I'm in a meeting, comma.

uh, I'll call you later, period.

Oh, uh, regards to
Trisha, exclamation point.

Send.

Hey.

There are no deal-breakers.

I'm marrying you.

- Jim?
- Um, do you need the room?

No, I just...

I want to say thank you.

- Yeah, danke, Jim.
- Oh.

- Schniedelwutz.
- What does... what does that mean?

I don't know. Somebody yelled it at me.

But I... I just want to say that, uh,

I think it's really
gutsy, what you guys did,

and I'm really happy for you.

And I think it's... it's given
me hope for myself, you know,

that maybe someday I might...

Oh, my.

Oh, wait, uh, I almost forgot.

Uh, in lieu of your official
pre-Cana certificate,

a grand prize, chosen
especially for you.

You can put it on a mantelpiece...

Or on an adult cake.

Oh, Jim.

They got my complexion right.

- Come here.
- Aw.

Aw. Okay.

Mm-hmm.

- Very nice.
- Yes, it is.

- Weird now.
- Oh.

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