All language subtitles for subtitlesource-2012-English-Two.And.A.Half.Men.S03E18.HDTV.XviD-LOL-cd1

Alan, I forgot my toothbrush.
Can I use yours?

Oh, dear Lord, no.

Do you have any idea how many bacteria

can be transferred
from mouth to mouth on a toothbrush?

I don't know. How many?

Okay, I-I-I don't know
the actual amount...

Then why'd you bring it up?

Poor judgment.

The point is,
sharing these things is a bad idea.

Are you saying you don't want your
toothbrush in my mouth, 'cause, Alan...

I know, I know.

I get the hypocrisy.
Just... just humor me.

Okay, I have, um...

I have hard, medium or soft bristles.

Uh, I have straight or curved handles,

and, uh, for your flossing needs,

I have, uh, waxed, mint-waxed, unwaxed,

and if you're feeling
especially adventurous,

may I suggest the cinnamon?

Maybe I'll just wait till I get home.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

One day you skip brushing,
and before you know it,

your teeth rot away and you're
begging strangers to start your apple.

Fine.

I'll take the pink one.

I always wondered, what's the little
rubber thing at the end for?

Oh, it's to massage your gums.

Oh. I thought it might be an eraser...

but who writes when
they're brushing their teeth?

I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.
Well, I kind of have to pee.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, no,
I'll wait till you're finished.

Are you shy about peeing in front of me,

-'cause, Alan...
-Again, I get the hypocrisy.

I just think it's important to keep
a little mystery in a relationship.

It's just peeing, Alan.

Not necessarily.

Um, sometimes when a man urinates,

other muscles
see that as a green light to relax.

So you've never peed in front of a girl?

Uh, well, my ex-wife, but, uh,

after six, seven years of marriage,
who gives a damn anymore?

Okay. I'll brush out here.

Thank you.

Ouch!

What?

One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

When was the last time
you saw a dentist?

Alan, I see people all the time.
They don't always tell you what they do.

Hey, are you... are you done?
'Cause I got to rinse.

No, I...

I can't go when I know you're listening.

Would it help
if I sang the pee-pee song?

Uh, the what?

My mom used to sing it to me.

* Tinkle, tinkle, little star *

* In the potty, not the car *

* Up above the bowl so high *

-* Like the raindrops in the sky... *
-Hey, hey, it's working!

Oops, green light.

Episode 3x18

"The Spit-Covered Cobbler"

Transcript: Raceman

Synchro: Relaxx

Corrections: Bouliii

Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop.

-Should I try it again?
-Uh, not yet.

Okay, now.

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Morning.

-Morning.
-Morning, Charlie!

Need any help?

Do you know how to get a
1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Yeah,

yank out the eight-track
and push it off a cliff.

You're useless.

Sorry.

Hey, you got a little
grease on your face.

Where?

Cheek.

Did I get it?

Mm, no, there's some more.

Now?

Little on your forehead.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Now sing "Swanee River."

Alan, should I try it again?

Uh, no. I'm going to call Triple-A.

Good.

No sense drinking over this.

You must be so proud.

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated,
but she's street smart.

Sesame Street smart.

Just leave it alone.

Let me ask you something.

Have you stopped to consider
the long-term cost

-of a relationship with a girl that young?
-Charlie, it's a free tow.

Oh, sure, that's how it always starts--
with a free tow--

but who's going to pay to fix
the car after it's towed?

-Um...
-"Um" is right, my dim-witted friend,

and that's just the beginning.

Girls like Kandi need all kinds of stuff,

and the only way they can pay for it
is through horny morons like you.

So her car breaks down,
and I should just dump her?

This is a short-term relationship, right?

-I don't know...
-Trust me, it's a short-term relationship.

I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb
in the chandelier, but

even she's going to wake up one day
and wonder what she's doing shacked up

with a penniless putz who's twice her age.

Kandi's not like that.

Just wait.

Your first minor stroke,

and she'll be boinking
the cardiologist before you can scrawl

"What happened?" on your notepad.

Okay,

for the sake of argument, let's say
you're right. What's your point?

My point is,

you don't dry clean a rented tuxedo.

You don't redecorate a hotel room.
You don't order cable for a port-a-potty...

unless you're really, really drunk.

And you don't take on the bills

of a girl that's got the attention span
of a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.

Okay, I-I-I appreciate your--

how shall I describe it--

compassionate advice,

but all I'm doing here

is arranging for a free tow
for a friend.

Alan, I don't think
the engine's flooded anymore.

-Fire extinguisher?
-Under the sink.

Hey, you know, if you don't hurry up,
you'll be late for school.

I don't mind.

Okay, well, that takes the pressure off.

How come my dad's not bringing me?

-He's helping Kandi get her car fixed.
-Aw, geez.

And him already broker
than a headless hooker.

Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

What gave you the idea
that she hates her?

'Cause she says so...

a lot.

All right.

Why do you think?

I don't know. She's pretty, she's fun,
and Dad seems real happy with her.

Well, little man,
you just answered your own question.

I did? What'd I say?

It's like this.

You ever see a kid at school

who doesn't like his lunch
but he won't let you have it, either?

Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley.

He'll spit on his apple cobbler
before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Well, this is pretty much the same deal,

except your mom is Russell Beasley,

and your dad
is the spit-covered cobbler.

I don't understand.

Even though your mom
doesn't want your dad,

she doesn't want Kandi
to eat him, either.

Oh.

You know, I like cobbler with ice cream.

Way to follow a train of thought.

Thanks.

Well, I guess we should go
to school now, huh?

Couldn't hurt.

I'll see if can find my books.

Sweet kid.

Yeah.

Shame he'll never be anything more
than a burden to society.

Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?

No, but my ex-wife does.

Why?

'Cause I want to sue the guy
who sold me that lemming.

-You mean lemon.
-I do?

Okay.

Did you get any kind of a
written guarantee when you bought it?

No, it was more of an oral agreement.

All right, Mr. Harper,
I've looked at your daughter's vehicle.

She's, uh... she's not my daughter.

Oh.

Good for you.

-Anyway, the prognosis looks rather bleak.
-I understand.

I mean, the vehicle was on fire.

I know.

What is she, like, 21?

-Twenty-two.
-And a half.

Good for you.

Yeah, yeah, what about the car?

Oh, the car? The car's got to be
25, 26 years old.

I mean, can it be fixed?

Anything can be fixed. Hell, they put
a pig's heart in my Uncle Vinnie.

How much?

All of it.

My Aunt Phyliss likes to call him
the other white meat now.

No, I mean, how much to fix the car?

For you, three grand.

What?!

Once again,

the car was on fire.

I had to wait an hour
before I could even touch it.

-But I only paid $800 for it.
-Eight hundred dollars?

Well, dear heart, I hate to be
the bearer of sad tidings,

but there's a chance
some unscrupulous businessperson

has taken advantage of your good nature.

Boy, that happens a lot.

Well, $3,000 is out of the question.

It'd make more sense
just to get her a new car.

Oh, Alan, thank you! That's the sweetest
thing anybody's ever done for me!

Good for you.

Hey.

Hey.

Why isn't your car in the garage?

I, uh... I loaned it to Kandi.

Ah.

And how much are you paying to fix hers?

For your information, nothing.

Nothing?

Not a cent.

I'm leasing her a Saturn.

Tell me again about the free tow, Alan.

Come on, she needs a car, and the
lease terms are surprisingly reasonable.

They're practically giving them away.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'm going to solve all your problems.

Do you want to see it coming, or should I surprise you?

You're not funny.

Hello?

Hang on a second.

It's your dentist.

He wants to talk to you
about Kandi's teeth.

Thank you.

Hi, Dr Weinberger. Thanks for seeing
her on such short notice.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Sure.
Get your own place.

No, she's not
covered under my dental plan.

Twenty-two and a half.

Yeah, yeah, good for me.

Did you get a chance
to look at her tooth?

Oh, oh, a root canal.

Well, well, how much is that?

Yow.

Well, what do you mean, there's more?

Who told you to look
at her wisdom teeth?

That girl's got wisdom teeth?

Okay, what's the worst thing that can
happen if you don't take them out?

How infected?

All right, if it has to be done,
it has to be done.

Yeah, send me the bill.

Okay, bye-bye.

Here,

aim for the cheap seats.

Alan?

What are you doing?

Well, I'm in a little bit of
a cash flow crunch, and I, uh...

I thought I'd use this
to pay some bills.

I see.

Mind helping me out?

Sure.

Promise me you'll spend it on food,
not whiskey.

My pain brings you
a lot of pleasure, huh?

I'm a simple man.

It's your ex-wife.

Oh, perfect.
Get the bat.

This is the bat.

Hello?

Oh, oh, good. I was hoping it'd be you.

What? Of course I remember the Alamo.

Oh, oh, oh, you mean alimo-ny.

I was... I was thinking, uh,
Davey Crockett, Jim Bowie...

Oh, oh, come on, Judith,
why can't we share a few chuckles?

Oh, oh, no, no, I agree. There's nothing
chuckle-worthy about a subpoena.

Well, you know what?
I will tell you what.

Uh, I will bring you the check,
uh, when I pick up Jake.

I promise.

Okay, okay, bye-bye.

You've got to pick up Jake.

-Why?
-'Cause I don't have her money.

It's in Kandi's mouth and Kandi's car.

What about the treasure
of the Sierra Madre over there?

This?

This is nothing. One car payment
and maybe a bikini wax.

-Bikini wax?
-A girl's got to keep those up.

It's a landscaping issue.

You just got to buy me
some time with Judith.

What are you going to do with more time?

You can't sell your blood;
your ex-wife already took that.

And if you sell your sperm,
what's the point in dating Kandi?

Well, uh, for your information,
I do have other options.

Like what?

Well, I've been looking at, uh, uh,
part-time work,

and, uh, I have some very
promising auctions on eBay.

Oh, really.

What are you auctioning?

Well, a-a few rare books, a couple
of lithos, a set of golf clubs...

Since when do you play golf?

Uh, well, technically,
they're your clubs.

You're stealing from me?!

Oh, come on, you only bought 'em so you could
go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians.

This is ridiculous. Why don't you just
ask me to lend you some money?

-Would you lend me money?
-Absolutely...

if I hadn't taken a bath
on the Super Bowl.

Well, I need to do this by myself anyway.
You know, I-I still have my pride.

Wow.

You really think that, huh?

Well,

it doesn't matter
as long as I have Kandi.

She looks up to me.
She-she thinks I'm special.

She thinks I'm smart.

She thinks gazpacho
is Pinocchio's father.

What can I say, Charlie?
I'm crazy about her.

All right, I certainly don't want to

stand in the way of your happiness.

Thank you.

-One question, though.
-Yeah?

What are you going to tell Jake
when he notices his change jug is gone?

Oh, uh,

it'll be okay.
I left him a postdated check.

It'll be good by the time
he goes to college.

Yeah,

like that kid's going to college.

Perfect. Just perfect.

-Judith, I know what you're thinking...
-I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking your brother's a
weaselly little coward who doesn't

-have the guts to face to his responsibilities...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's a little more to this
than meets the eye.

Oh, really? And I suppose
you're going to explain it to me?

I'm going to try, if you'll calm down
for a minute and listen.

All right, I'm listening.

Are you calm?

I'm listening.

Okay.

You know why Alan's not here?

-Because he's ashamed.
-Well, he should be.

Judith, that's not listening.

He's ashamed because no matter how hard
he works, he just can't seem to get ahead.

You know his business
is falling apart, don't you?

-Really? He hasn't said anything.
-Because he's too proud.

Poor guy lost all his
chiropractic walk-ins

to an unlicensed massage parlor
that opened up right between him

and the Jamba Juice.

You're kidding.

I'm deadly serious.

Who's going to pay to have their spine
adjusted when, for half the price,

they can get their dingus dusted?

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

As it turns out,
I'm a bit of an expert...

and I'm telling you,

he's going under.

Oh, my God.

-Did you know he took a part-time job?
-No.

But you didn't hear it from me.

And please, please,
don't say anything to Jake.

The last thing Alan wants
is to look like a

failure in the eyes of that

little boy in there.

Of course not.

-I won't say a word.
-Thank you.

Hey.

Where's Dad?

Just go with Uncle Charlie.

Okay.

Why is Mom crying?

Because I'm good.

I'm very, very good.

I'm really getting tired of pizza.

Well... I'm off to work.

Get used to it.

Enjoy-a your pizza. Scusi, signora.

Alan, Alan,

what are you doing?

Oh, Judith, I swear to God,
I will get you your alimony

-as soon as possible...
-No, please, don't worry about it.

Really?

Charlie told me what's going on.

I don't need the money right now.

Really?

I may not have mentioned it,
but when my grandmother passed away,

she left me a pretty
substantial inheritance.

Really?

In fact,

I want you to have this.

Really?

Pay me when you can. The important thing
is you get back on your feet.

I'm-a so happy.

Hi, Huggy Bear.

Boy, I love the new car you got me.

Hi, Mrs. Harper.

Doesn't he look cute in a mustache?

I'm-a so sad.

How's that pride doing?

It's nice they let you take a few home.

It's in lieu of health insurance.

Did you know they actually
have a little machine

that shoots the cheese into the crust?

-Is that so?
-Yep.

It's a little high-pressure gun.

Can't kill yourself with it, though.

I tried.

I got to tell you something, Alan,

and this is from the bottom of my heart.

I think that you are the stupidest man
on the face of the Earth,

but

I admire your perseverance.

You're going to have to talk
into the other ear.

This one's full of cheese.

Is that my Huggy Bear?

Yeah, it's him.

Hey, guess what?

You know my roommates, Ellie and Emmett?

Yeah.

Turns out they're not really brother and
sister, so they started sleeping together.

Oh, that's lovely.

Anyway, now they're going
to get their own place,

and I don't know how I'm going
to pay the rent by myself.

Huh.

Oh, God, Kandi, I can't,

I can't. I'm all tapped out.
All I have left to put on eBay is a

kidney or a lung.

If I were you, I'd sell the kidney,
'cause lungs don't grow back.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're just going to have to handle
your living situation on your own.

Okay.

Hey, guess what else?

You've got a loved one
who needs either an operation or bail?

No, silly. I'm finished with
the dentist, and my mouth is all better.

See?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't you move in with me?

Okay!

I'm-a so screwed.

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