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1
00:00:00,822 --> 00:00:01,585
So,
2
00:00:01,631 --> 00:00:03,523
any thoughts on what you'd like
for dinner this weekend?
3
00:00:03,623 --> 00:00:05,918
You decide, honey.
I love everything you cook.
4
00:00:07,731 --> 00:00:11,241
Oh, so all of a sudden I'm a woman because
I cook and try to make a nice home for you?
5
00:00:12,945 --> 00:00:14,612
Okay, I heard it, too. Shut up.
6
00:00:19,224 --> 00:00:21,009
-Jake!
-Leave him alone.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:24,390
With his grades, he might as well get
used to pushing shopping carts around.
8
00:00:25,914 --> 00:00:27,957
Are you saying my son's going to end up
working in a supermarket?
9
00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:30,024
No, I'm saying he's probably
going to end up homeless.
10
00:00:32,042 --> 00:00:34,497
Well, as I live and breathe,
Charlie Harper.
11
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,249
Oh, great.
Archie!
12
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:43,060
So how's the best jingle writer
in the business?
13
00:00:43,658 --> 00:00:45,767
Looks like he's put on a few pounds.
14
00:00:46,576 --> 00:00:48,039
Archie, this is my brother, Alan.
15
00:00:48,103 --> 00:00:50,501
Alan, Archie Baldwin,
the king of the jingle writers.
16
00:00:50,857 --> 00:00:52,219
Well, I don't know about that.
17
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,520
More like the ayatollah
of the jingle writers.
18
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,658
The Grand Pooh-Bah, if you will.
19
00:00:58,771 --> 00:01:00,603
Really?
What's that make you, Charlie?
20
00:01:00,885 --> 00:01:02,575
To be honest, a little nauseous.
21
00:01:03,608 --> 00:01:04,418
Hey, listen,
22
00:01:04,430 --> 00:01:06,259
we should get together sometime,
maybe collaborate.
23
00:01:06,341 --> 00:01:07,245
I'd like that.
24
00:01:07,304 --> 00:01:09,302
Well, sure, there's no downside for you.
25
00:01:11,731 --> 00:01:14,537
Oh, what the hell.
Remind me about it at the awards dinner.
26
00:01:14,654 --> 00:01:15,679
Oh, I'm not going to that.
27
00:01:16,382 --> 00:01:17,990
Well, why not? You're nominated.
28
00:01:18,113 --> 00:01:19,870
What are you nominated for?
29
00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:23,023
It's a silly advertising award.
Doesn't mean anything.
30
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,688
Yeah, he's right. It's not about
the trophies, it's about the work.
31
00:01:27,157 --> 00:01:30,069
P.S.: My work has won seven trophies.
32
00:01:31,597 --> 00:01:33,487
Hey, one more, I'll have a menorah.
33
00:01:35,324 --> 00:01:37,840
Well, good luck, Archie, but
I think I'll pass.
34
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,255
Oh, well, good for you.
Stay home and sulk.
35
00:01:40,656 --> 00:01:41,953
Nice meeting you.
36
00:01:42,717 --> 00:01:46,115
Okay, where do they keep
the extra-large condoms?
37
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:51,158
Boy, he's a piece of work.
38
00:01:51,313 --> 00:01:52,776
He's a piece of something.
39
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,090
Hey, how come you never mentioned
that whole awards thing?
40
00:01:56,121 --> 00:01:58,387
It's no big deal.
I've been nominated plenty of times.
41
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,971
-Oh. Well, how many times have you won?
-What difference does it make?
42
00:02:01,013 --> 00:02:02,146
So never.
43
00:02:03,513 --> 00:02:04,688
Yes, Alan, never.
44
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,481
But that guy Archie has won, like,
seven times.
45
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,170
Yes, he has.
46
00:02:09,610 --> 00:02:11,747
Wow, that's got to sting.
47
00:02:13,439 --> 00:02:16,585
Hey, Alan, have you ever been
beaten to death with a can of corn?
48
00:02:17,307 --> 00:02:19,901
Episode 3x17
49
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:23,204
"The Unfortunate Little Schnauser"
50
00:02:23,485 --> 00:02:26,146
Transcript: Raceman
51
00:02:26,470 --> 00:02:28,302
Synchro: Relaxx
52
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,446
Corrections: Bouliii
53
00:02:31,782 --> 00:02:37,330
www.forom.com
54
00:02:47,661 --> 00:02:50,984
* Bad stuff grows *
* in the cracks of your toes *
55
00:02:51,043 --> 00:02:53,903
* And nobody knows like Toe-Zene *
56
00:02:53,962 --> 00:02:57,041
* Itchy feet burn, *
* make you squiggle and squirm *
57
00:02:57,086 --> 00:03:00,369
* Get fast relief with Toe-Zene *
58
00:03:00,387 --> 00:03:02,645
* Toe-Zene *
59
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,735
Toe-Zene anti-fungal medication
should not be used by pregnant women,
60
00:03:04,758 --> 00:03:06,766
people with heart conditions or
those who are taking SSI inhibitors.
61
00:03:06,862 --> 00:03:10,237
* Toe-Zene. *
62
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,364
I don't know.
63
00:03:13,496 --> 00:03:15,017
This could be my year.
64
00:03:16,538 --> 00:03:18,757
I really think it's your best work,
Charlie.
65
00:03:19,063 --> 00:03:20,001
Thanks.
66
00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:22,765
I know I said the same thing about Mr. Herpes Lip Balm.
67
00:03:23,410 --> 00:03:24,002
Yeah.
68
00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:26,075
Just Like a Woman Natural Douche.
69
00:03:26,859 --> 00:03:29,689
And that hemorrhoid cream.
What was it called?
70
00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:32,539
Fire in the Hole.
71
00:03:34,707 --> 00:03:36,090
Yeah, that was good, but
72
00:03:36,679 --> 00:03:39,451
Toe-Zene is the one that's finally
going to bring home the gold.
73
00:03:40,289 --> 00:03:41,477
Thanks for your support, Rose.
74
00:03:41,651 --> 00:03:42,860
You're welcome.
75
00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:45,323
Now, can you do something for me?
76
00:03:47,425 --> 00:03:48,470
No.
77
00:03:50,279 --> 00:03:51,459
Oh, come on, Charlie.
78
00:03:51,769 --> 00:03:54,071
I want you to talk to my boyfriend.
79
00:03:55,370 --> 00:03:57,148
Why would I want to talk
to your boyfriend?
80
00:03:57,315 --> 00:03:59,326
Because he's smothering me,
81
00:03:59,397 --> 00:04:02,935
and not in the good, "Can you move
your thigh off my face" kind of way.
82
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:07,054
I need my space, Charlie.
83
00:04:07,188 --> 00:04:09,891
I wake up in the morning
and there he is staring at me.
84
00:04:10,024 --> 00:04:13,140
I have a bowl of soup,
and there he is blowing on it for me.
85
00:04:13,189 --> 00:04:17,587
Even when we have sex, I can feel his eyes
burning a hole in the back of my head.
86
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,517
Oh, that's going to keep me up at night.
87
00:04:22,985 --> 00:04:25,013
You need to explain to him that
88
00:04:25,729 --> 00:04:28,653
if you love someone,
you have to let them go.
89
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,693
If they come back,
they're yours.
90
00:04:30,768 --> 00:04:33,599
If they don't,
then you stalk them.
91
00:04:34,459 --> 00:04:36,672
Rose, I really don't want to get
involved in your love life.
92
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:39,765
Well, if someone doesn't talk to him,
we're gonna have to break up.
93
00:04:41,352 --> 00:04:42,749
Do what you have to do.
94
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,310
Oh, I get it.
95
00:04:45,609 --> 00:04:47,680
You want me to be single again.
96
00:04:50,570 --> 00:04:52,355
Get him over here.
97
00:04:52,556 --> 00:04:53,742
Thank you.
98
00:04:54,574 --> 00:04:56,100
Was that so hard?
99
00:05:10,234 --> 00:05:12,878
I had no idea
these awards were so prestigious.
100
00:05:13,369 --> 00:05:15,075
They're meaningless crap.
101
00:05:16,236 --> 00:05:19,500
Come on. Look at this list of
past winners for Best Jingle.
102
00:05:19,531 --> 00:05:22,470
Barry Manilow, Randy Newman,
Kenny Loggins,
103
00:05:22,517 --> 00:05:25,419
Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin,
Archie Baldwin...
104
00:05:27,106 --> 00:05:28,352
What's your point?
105
00:05:28,516 --> 00:05:31,264
My point is it's an honor
just to be nominated.
106
00:05:31,362 --> 00:05:33,389
No, no, it's an honor to win.
107
00:05:33,441 --> 00:05:36,884
Being nominated is just a
soul-sucking waste of time.
108
00:05:38,161 --> 00:05:40,070
Why are you so sure
you're going to lose?
109
00:05:40,335 --> 00:05:42,434
Because it doesn't matter
who wrote the best jingle.
110
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,551
It's about who has the sexiest product.
111
00:05:44,894 --> 00:05:47,748
That's why the awards
always go to car and beer ads.
112
00:05:47,873 --> 00:05:50,465
Over-the-counter medications
just aren't hip enough.
113
00:05:52,155 --> 00:05:53,529
That hardly seems fair.
114
00:05:53,586 --> 00:05:54,751
Tell me about it.
115
00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:58,167
Encourage people to get drunk
and drive fast, great, here's an award.
116
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,291
Relieve the heartbreak
of vaginal itching?
117
00:06:03,961 --> 00:06:05,511
They don't even want
to shake your hand.
118
00:06:07,612 --> 00:06:10,058
Well, win or lose,
you should still go to the ceremony.
119
00:06:10,376 --> 00:06:13,466
No, no, no, no, no. An awards ceremony
is like a Thai massage.
120
00:06:13,531 --> 00:06:15,232
If you don't know
that there's going to be a happy ending,
121
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,970
there's no point in lying down.
122
00:06:17,328 --> 00:06:18,737
It's not just about you, Charlie.
123
00:06:18,784 --> 00:06:20,937
You have a family who's proud
of your accomplishments and
124
00:06:20,953 --> 00:06:22,636
might like the chance to share them.
125
00:06:22,753 --> 00:06:24,139
What family is that?
126
00:06:24,655 --> 00:06:27,801
-Your family: me, Jake, Mom.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
127
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,806
-Do not tell Mom about this nomination.
-Why? It's a good thing.
128
00:06:30,836 --> 00:06:31,842
It doesn't matter.
129
00:06:31,872 --> 00:06:34,117
If it's a good thing,
she'll find a way to make it bad.
130
00:06:34,964 --> 00:06:36,184
Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
131
00:06:36,231 --> 00:06:37,170
Oh, really.
132
00:06:37,393 --> 00:06:39,014
Let's try a little experiment.
133
00:06:39,057 --> 00:06:41,348
I'll pretend I'm Mom
and you tell me something good.
134
00:06:41,850 --> 00:06:43,456
All right. Um,
135
00:06:43,822 --> 00:06:46,229
hey, Mom,
I have discovered a cure for cancer.
136
00:06:46,983 --> 00:06:48,169
Very nice.
137
00:06:48,416 --> 00:06:51,880
Shame you couldn't do it in time
to save Uncle Walter's left testicle.
138
00:06:54,222 --> 00:06:55,881
Come on. Give me another one.
139
00:06:56,303 --> 00:06:57,933
-No, I get the idea.
-No, no, no, hit me.
140
00:06:58,648 --> 00:07:01,087
Okay, um...
141
00:07:01,497 --> 00:07:04,010
Gee, Mom,
it really is a beautiful day, huh?
142
00:07:04,201 --> 00:07:07,150
Try telling that
to Uncle Walter's one good nut.
143
00:07:10,011 --> 00:07:11,442
Okay. Um,
144
00:07:11,739 --> 00:07:13,104
I adore my son.
145
00:07:13,124 --> 00:07:14,762
Somebody has to.
146
00:07:18,895 --> 00:07:21,131
-How about friendship?
-How about Judas?
147
00:07:21,183 --> 00:07:22,381
-Family.
-Manson.
148
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:23,592
-Puppies.
-Rabies.
149
00:07:23,615 --> 00:07:25,210
-Love.
-Communicable disease.
150
00:07:25,339 --> 00:07:26,924
-You win.
-Quitter!
151
00:07:27,449 --> 00:07:28,366
Leave me alone.
152
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:31,001
You're already alone.
Your wife threw you out, remember?
153
00:07:35,514 --> 00:07:36,735
Damn it, Gordon!
154
00:07:36,769 --> 00:07:39,810
-Get up there and talk to Charlie.
-But I don't want to talk to Charlie.
155
00:07:40,679 --> 00:07:42,499
Do you like having sex with me, Gordon?
156
00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:44,356
Hey, Charlie.
157
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:45,730
Hey, Gordon.
158
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:47,777
What's going on?
159
00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,400
Oh, not much. I was...
160
00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:52,650
just passing by. Thought I'd
see how you're doing.
161
00:07:53,964 --> 00:07:55,159
I'm doing fine.
162
00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:56,562
Good.
163
00:07:57,670 --> 00:07:58,856
Good...
164
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:03,083
Nice shirt.
165
00:08:04,129 --> 00:08:05,401
Right back at ya.
166
00:08:08,392 --> 00:08:09,660
So...
167
00:08:10,131 --> 00:08:12,908
Rose says I have to talk to you,
or I can't have sex with her anymore.
168
00:08:13,682 --> 00:08:14,715
I see.
169
00:08:15,210 --> 00:08:16,801
You sure you're making the right choice?
170
00:08:17,342 --> 00:08:18,692
Call me crazy.
171
00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:21,572
Well, crazy is the price
of admission for that ride.
172
00:08:22,812 --> 00:08:24,218
Okay, come here, sit down.
173
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:26,864
You want a beer?
174
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:28,171
Oh, no, thank you.
175
00:08:28,356 --> 00:08:29,914
I'm a really mean drunk.
176
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:32,607
I sensed that.
177
00:08:34,004 --> 00:08:37,175
Anyway, the thing you need
to understand about Rose--
178
00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:38,839
about any woman really is--
179
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,458
they want what they can't have.
180
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,039
But Rose can have me.
181
00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:43,553
Trust me on this, Gordon.
182
00:08:43,694 --> 00:08:45,831
You play it cool,
keep your distance, be aloof,
183
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,958
you'll have to call the cops
to get rid of her.
184
00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,279
-You really think so?
-I know so.
185
00:08:51,613 --> 00:08:53,711
But they won't come right away.
186
00:08:54,832 --> 00:08:56,018
She'll still have time to
187
00:08:56,065 --> 00:09:00,125
hot glue her high school graduation
picture to your freshly shaved ass.
188
00:09:09,644 --> 00:09:10,548
Hey, Mom,
189
00:09:10,771 --> 00:09:12,063
here's some good news.
190
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,200
It seems with medical breakthroughs,
191
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:17,219
the average lifespan
will soon be a hundred years.
192
00:09:17,542 --> 00:09:20,121
Wonderful. More time to be
ignored by your children.
193
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:24,903
Amazing.
194
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,471
Morning, Mom.
195
00:09:27,562 --> 00:09:28,982
You're looking very pretty today.
196
00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:31,654
That's nice, because inside I'm dead.
197
00:09:35,397 --> 00:09:37,131
When you're right, you're right.
198
00:09:37,462 --> 00:09:39,155
Charlie, I need a favor.
199
00:09:39,398 --> 00:09:42,595
Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver,
and there's a long waiting list for both.
200
00:09:43,808 --> 00:09:46,171
I've got a client coming
into town next Saturday,
201
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:47,960
and he's bringing his lovely daughter.
202
00:09:47,998 --> 00:09:50,033
Uh, and by "lovely,"
she means "dog-like."
203
00:09:51,605 --> 00:09:55,424
All right, she may not be a beauty queen,
but she does have a terrific figure.
204
00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:57,050
I'm guessing six nipples.
205
00:10:01,889 --> 00:10:05,202
Anyhow, I was hoping you could
show her a good time. No big deal.
206
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:06,807
You don't even have
to take her to dinner.
207
00:10:06,865 --> 00:10:09,175
Just go to the beach and
throw a stick till she gets tired.
208
00:10:11,703 --> 00:10:15,009
Gee, Mom, as much as I'd love to service
the unfortunate little schnauzer,
209
00:10:16,514 --> 00:10:18,710
-I'm busy next Saturday.
-What are you doing?
210
00:10:19,391 --> 00:10:22,226
I've... I've... I've got a... uh...
I got a... I got a thing.
211
00:10:22,261 --> 00:10:25,349
Don't lie to me, Charlie. You've got
nothing. You just don't want to help me.
212
00:10:25,396 --> 00:10:28,259
No, no, no, no. I...I... I swear.
I have... I have... I have plans.
213
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,239
I'm... I'm... I'm going to this...
this...
214
00:10:30,873 --> 00:10:31,961
awards ceremony.
215
00:10:32,118 --> 00:10:33,974
You never go to these things.
216
00:10:34,082 --> 00:10:35,605
Yeah, well, this year's different.
217
00:10:35,946 --> 00:10:38,999
Your client's daughter will just have to
hump somebody else's leg.
218
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,879
Told you I could get him to go.
219
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,984
This is really boring.
220
00:10:56,726 --> 00:10:58,104
Just keep it to yourself, Jake.
221
00:10:58,596 --> 00:11:00,955
I just don't understand
why I had to come.
222
00:11:01,576 --> 00:11:03,479
You're here
to support your Uncle Charlie,
223
00:11:03,499 --> 00:11:06,475
the same way he supported you by coming
to your Christmas pageant this year.
224
00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:07,775
You remember the one,
225
00:11:07,810 --> 00:11:09,804
where you stood in back
picking lint off your antlers
226
00:11:09,828 --> 00:11:12,502
while the rest of the class
recited "The Night Before Kwanzaa."
227
00:11:14,031 --> 00:11:15,123
Oh, yeah.
228
00:11:16,505 --> 00:11:17,503
Uncle Charlie?
229
00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:18,325
What?
230
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:20,553
Now you have to come
to my Easter pageant.
231
00:11:23,241 --> 00:11:25,871
-This event isn't televised, is it?
-No.
232
00:11:26,273 --> 00:11:29,161
Hmm. Well, I guess they only show
the important awards.
233
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,287
Congratulations.
234
00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:36,851
You've just been elected
tonight's designated driver.
235
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:41,385
Come on, just ignore her.
236
00:11:42,045 --> 00:11:45,528
Ignore her? It would be easier
to ignore blood in my urine.
237
00:11:46,215 --> 00:11:48,105
Well, well, well.
238
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:50,458
Look who decided to be a good sport.
239
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,610
Speaking of blood in my urine.
Hey, Archie.
240
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:55,662
Hey, I want to tell you people,
241
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:59,173
-this man has been a real inspiration to me.
-No, come on.
242
00:11:59,232 --> 00:12:00,347
No, no. I mean it.
243
00:12:00,442 --> 00:12:03,945
Whenever I'm struggling to write a jingle
and I feel like I'm not measuring up,
244
00:12:04,311 --> 00:12:07,634
I ask myself,
how would Charlie Harper write this?
245
00:12:07,799 --> 00:12:10,665
And the answer always makes me feel
better about my own work.
246
00:12:13,127 --> 00:12:16,151
Charlie,
aren't you going to introduce me?
247
00:12:16,497 --> 00:12:18,182
Mom, Archie. Archie, Mom.
248
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:20,401
You're Charlie's mother?
249
00:12:20,695 --> 00:12:24,021
Oh, a teenage pregnancy, no doubt.
250
00:12:26,129 --> 00:12:28,067
How brave of you to keep him.
251
00:12:29,636 --> 00:12:31,233
Well, aren't you adorable.
252
00:12:31,675 --> 00:12:35,352
Mom, Archie is nominated
in the same category as Charlie.
253
00:12:35,763 --> 00:12:36,949
Oh.
254
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,159
Well, I'll be rooting for you, Archie.
255
00:12:41,081 --> 00:12:42,652
Okay, then, thanks for stopping by.
256
00:12:43,214 --> 00:12:44,036
Good luck.
257
00:12:44,095 --> 00:12:45,949
-You deserve it this year.
-Thanks.
258
00:12:46,355 --> 00:12:48,273
I mean, how many times
can they snub you?
259
00:12:48,983 --> 00:12:50,169
I don't really keep track.
260
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,238
Seven.
261
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,487
Seven years in a row.
262
00:12:56,788 --> 00:12:57,922
If you say so.
263
00:12:58,499 --> 00:13:02,829
Hey, stick around after the ceremony.
If I win, I'll let you hold my trophy.
264
00:13:05,309 --> 00:13:08,376
Not to mention
the little statue they give me.
265
00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:15,111
Isn't the little statue the trophy?
266
00:13:16,188 --> 00:13:17,677
Just eat your chicken.
267
00:13:19,487 --> 00:13:23,591
And now, before we present the Jingle
of the Year Award, we have a special treat.
268
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,114
Please tell me
they're gonna pass out guns.
269
00:13:26,917 --> 00:13:29,829
Our very own seven-time award winner,
270
00:13:29,883 --> 00:13:32,454
here to perform his own nominated tune,
271
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:36,415
composed especially for the United
Nations' Save-an-Orphan program...
272
00:13:36,932 --> 00:13:38,975
Oh, God, not orphans.
273
00:13:39,505 --> 00:13:42,939
-Archie Baldwin!
-Oh, goodie.
274
00:13:46,597 --> 00:13:48,829
This is for all the orphans out there.
275
00:13:54,088 --> 00:13:58,335
* There's no tree at Christmas time *
276
00:13:58,752 --> 00:14:02,192
* No pumpkin Hallow's Eve *
277
00:14:03,131 --> 00:14:07,513
* No candles on the birthday cake *
278
00:14:07,588 --> 00:14:12,313
* No reason to believe *
279
00:14:12,739 --> 00:14:17,459
* He works all day in a cold, dark mine *
280
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:21,590
* His little lungs filled with soot *
281
00:14:23,251 --> 00:14:27,399
* Her mom is Kim Jong's concubine *
282
00:14:27,430 --> 00:14:31,396
* Her dad was killed by the Tonton Macoute *
283
00:14:31,506 --> 00:14:34,469
* Save the orphans *
284
00:14:36,657 --> 00:14:39,203
* Save the orphans *
285
00:14:43,073 --> 00:14:44,599
* Don't do it for me *
286
00:14:45,311 --> 00:14:47,609
* Don't do it for you *
287
00:14:47,793 --> 00:14:50,176
* Do it for little Kim Sung, *
288
00:14:50,649 --> 00:14:52,598
* and Abu *
289
00:14:52,857 --> 00:14:55,951
* Yeah, save the orphans *
290
00:14:56,541 --> 00:14:57,985
Come on, everybody!
291
00:14:58,561 --> 00:15:01,579
* Save the orphans *
292
00:15:01,828 --> 00:15:03,929
They're tax deductible!
293
00:15:04,123 --> 00:15:06,388
* Save the orphans *
294
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,208
Get 'em while they're still cute!
295
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,862
* Save the orphans *
296
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,964
Get 'em young, teach 'em your tongue!
297
00:15:13,351 --> 00:15:15,494
* Save the orphans *
298
00:15:15,711 --> 00:15:17,805
Woody Allen can't marry them all!
299
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:20,374
* Save the orphans *
300
00:15:20,404 --> 00:15:22,538
Some of them don't even have parents!
301
00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:24,841
* Save the orphans *
302
00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:27,474
Get two, get one free!
303
00:15:28,339 --> 00:15:30,265
* Save the orphans *
304
00:15:31,034 --> 00:15:33,124
You're the ones paying for scholarships!
305
00:15:33,322 --> 00:15:35,291
* Save the orphans... *
306
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:37,782
* Save the orphans *
307
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,228
* Ah... *
308
00:15:40,382 --> 00:15:42,624
* Save the orphans *
309
00:15:42,957 --> 00:15:44,519
-* Ah... *
-Enough!
310
00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:47,424
Come on, it's catchy.
311
00:15:47,887 --> 00:15:49,424
So is diphtheria.
312
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,943
How come you don't get
a runner-up trophy?
313
00:15:53,531 --> 00:15:54,552
'Cause I don't.
314
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:57,942
In school, everybody gets a trophy
just for participating.
315
00:15:58,453 --> 00:15:59,475
Well, Jake,
316
00:15:59,736 --> 00:16:02,215
that's the difference
between school and life.
317
00:16:02,555 --> 00:16:06,747
In life, all you get for participating
is pain, loneliness and death.
318
00:16:09,175 --> 00:16:11,182
Better luck next year, Charlie!
319
00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:13,522
Good night, boys.
320
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,371
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
321
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,580
There's also crushing humiliation.
322
00:16:25,780 --> 00:16:26,794
Huh.
323
00:16:27,497 --> 00:16:29,587
Well, in sixth grade, you get a trophy.
324
00:16:35,042 --> 00:16:35,933
Hey.
325
00:16:36,487 --> 00:16:37,617
Can I get you anything?
326
00:16:38,986 --> 00:16:41,628
A length of rope and a rickety stool?
327
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:47,925
Charlie, it's understandable that you
might be a little blue right now. But
328
00:16:48,068 --> 00:16:49,404
that'll pass.
329
00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:51,726
Get out of here, Alan.
330
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:55,747
You know, I often find that
331
00:16:55,911 --> 00:16:57,426
when things look darkest,
332
00:16:58,216 --> 00:16:59,953
it really helps to share your...
333
00:16:59,996 --> 00:17:02,679
I swear,
I will drop-kick you over that railing.
334
00:17:03,852 --> 00:17:04,804
All right.
335
00:17:06,308 --> 00:17:07,564
Pleasant dreams.
336
00:17:09,208 --> 00:17:12,026
You don't dream in a blackout,
you moron.
337
00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:14,900
Hey, Charlie.
338
00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:16,851
Oh, God.
339
00:17:16,981 --> 00:17:18,495
How'd it go tonight?
340
00:17:19,050 --> 00:17:20,623
Well, let me put it this way:
341
00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:23,879
What the advertising community
did to me earlier this evening,
342
00:17:23,992 --> 00:17:26,151
Archie Baldwin is now doing to my mother.
343
00:17:27,764 --> 00:17:30,267
He's not...
acknowledging her wonderful talent?
344
00:17:31,023 --> 00:17:32,690
Just leave it alone, Rose.
345
00:17:32,959 --> 00:17:34,167
Sorry.
346
00:17:35,202 --> 00:17:36,572
Have you seen Gordon?
347
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,587
Not since I talked to him.
348
00:17:38,861 --> 00:17:40,752
And by the way,
thanks for that opportunity.
349
00:17:41,432 --> 00:17:44,825
I've always wanted to bond
with a pasty kid who dresses like me.
350
00:17:45,578 --> 00:17:47,797
Well, I don't know what you said to him,
351
00:17:47,894 --> 00:17:50,082
but he's been acting
very strange, lately.
352
00:17:50,873 --> 00:17:51,953
Lately?
353
00:17:52,927 --> 00:17:55,182
I keep calling,
but he doesn't pick up the phone.
354
00:17:55,205 --> 00:17:57,507
And when I leave a message,
he doesn't call back.
355
00:17:58,705 --> 00:18:00,896
I thought you wanted him
to stop being so clingy.
356
00:18:01,324 --> 00:18:02,838
I thought I did, too, but
357
00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:06,837
now I miss his cute little face
peeking at me while I'm washing my hair,
358
00:18:06,881 --> 00:18:08,108
shaving my legs,
359
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:09,563
soaping up my breasts,
360
00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:12,842
which you no doubt remember
are extremely firm and perky.
361
00:18:14,351 --> 00:18:16,906
So he spies on you in the shower?
362
00:18:17,612 --> 00:18:19,561
No. That would be weird.
363
00:18:22,632 --> 00:18:24,356
Why is love so complicated?
364
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,333
I don't know, Rose.
365
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,153
Stuff happens.
366
00:18:29,043 --> 00:18:30,521
Oh, Charlie,
367
00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:32,805
you always know the right thing to say.
368
00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:37,921
Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.
369
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,064
Oh, why can't I just black out in peace?
370
00:18:41,966 --> 00:18:43,217
"Be aloof," you said.
371
00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:44,471
"Play hard to get."
372
00:18:44,671 --> 00:18:47,014
You just wanted me out of your way
so you could make your move.
373
00:18:47,688 --> 00:18:48,944
You caught me, Gordon.
374
00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:51,015
Now do the right thing and kill me.
375
00:18:53,938 --> 00:18:55,676
Oh, Charlie, is this true?
376
00:18:56,028 --> 00:18:59,081
Is this part of some
devious plan to win me back?
377
00:18:59,725 --> 00:19:00,922
You heard her, Gordon.
378
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:01,990
Kill me!
379
00:19:02,943 --> 00:19:03,753
Rose,
380
00:19:03,887 --> 00:19:06,305
you wanted him out of your hair,
I got him out of your hair.
381
00:19:06,977 --> 00:19:08,172
You wanted to get rid of me?
382
00:19:08,626 --> 00:19:10,878
No. I just need some space.
383
00:19:11,005 --> 00:19:12,065
You want space?
384
00:19:12,178 --> 00:19:13,634
I'll give you all the space you want.
385
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:15,689
-Fine.
-In fact, I'll leave right now.
386
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:17,392
Well, great,
I'll just stay here with Charlie.
387
00:19:17,466 --> 00:19:19,303
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
388
00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:20,936
Nobody leaves.
389
00:19:21,329 --> 00:19:22,679
Nobody stays.
390
00:19:24,238 --> 00:19:26,621
Rose, get off me.
391
00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:29,918
Okay,
392
00:19:30,101 --> 00:19:32,135
now, everybody listen carefully, 'cause
393
00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:35,044
I'm pretty sure
I'm only gonna be able to say this once.
394
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,526
Rose, think about it.
395
00:19:37,763 --> 00:19:40,557
Where are you gonna find a guy
who loves you as much as Gordon?
396
00:19:41,202 --> 00:19:42,224
And Gordon,
397
00:19:42,295 --> 00:19:43,969
where are you gonna find a girl...
398
00:19:44,556 --> 00:19:45,695
period?
399
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:49,413
The man makes sense, Rose.
400
00:19:50,095 --> 00:19:51,650
Damn right, I make sense.
401
00:19:51,936 --> 00:19:55,145
If you kids don't patch things up,
you know what's gonna happen?
402
00:19:55,351 --> 00:19:58,569
You're gonna wind up
old, miserable and alone.
403
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:00,768
He's right, Gordon.
404
00:20:01,082 --> 00:20:02,591
Look what happened to him.
405
00:20:04,183 --> 00:20:05,406
I love you, Rose.
406
00:20:05,902 --> 00:20:07,428
I love you, too.
407
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,275
Oh, good, a happy ending.
408
00:20:11,921 --> 00:20:13,676
Get the hell off my deck.
409
00:20:14,752 --> 00:20:17,095
-Come on, lamb chop, let's go home.
-Hold on.
410
00:20:17,598 --> 00:20:20,173
Climbing over the rail
is ridiculous and juvenile.
411
00:20:20,357 --> 00:20:22,824
From now on,
I want to take the stairs.
412
00:20:24,447 --> 00:20:26,457
Do you like having sex with me, Gordon?
413
00:20:27,007 --> 00:20:28,429
Call me crazy.
414
00:20:34,891 --> 00:20:36,268
And the real winner tonight
415
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:38,687
is Charlie Harper,
416
00:20:39,201 --> 00:20:40,833
a man with a heart so big
417
00:20:40,908 --> 00:20:42,656
that he'd step outside of his own misery
418
00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:44,247
to help two people in need.
419
00:20:44,956 --> 00:20:46,646
Alan, I'm warning you.
420
00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:48,673
Now, I know you don't want to hear this,
but let me tell you something.
421
00:20:48,766 --> 00:20:51,115
The Archie Baldwins of this world
422
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:52,312
are soon forgotten.
423
00:20:52,655 --> 00:20:53,893
It's people like you,
424
00:20:53,927 --> 00:20:57,371
people who are selfless and generous,
who will live on forever.
425
00:20:57,993 --> 00:20:59,406
Last chance.
426
00:21:00,571 --> 00:21:03,427
Oh, please.
That Grumpy Gus routine is not...
427
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,719
Good night.
428
00:21:07,602 --> 00:21:11,594
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