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1
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,937
[slurping]
2
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:11,944
Nice!
Nice!
Nice!
3
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:13,511
I'm not going
To lie to you fellas.
4
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:16,682
Don likes the ladies.
5
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,016
In addition
To liking 'em,
6
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,053
Do you ever
Get the courage
To talk to one?
7
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:22,521
Not really.
8
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,523
Fortunately,
The good lord created
9
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,859
A nice little icebreaker
Called jaywalking tickets.
10
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:31,329
You know,
I just realized
11
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:32,864
Something
About these ladies.
12
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,033
Not one of them
Is mary albright,
13
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,435
And yet
I'm incredibly
Turned on by them.
14
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:38,636
Oh. Well,
Good for you, dick.
15
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:39,971
I don't know
Whether to kiss them
16
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:43,108
Or get on my knees
And bark like a dog.
17
00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:44,542
Well,
As a police officer,
18
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:48,480
I must tell you
That each approach
Has its strengths.
19
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:51,650
[all slurping]
20
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,719
Nice!
Nice!
Nice!
21
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,054
Hey.
22
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,055
Look.
23
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,124
I dropped my wallet.
24
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:00,225
You don't
Have a wallet.
25
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,994
Hey!
I found a wallet.
26
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:04,530
Ooh! And it's
Got 200 bucks in it.
27
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:05,964
Ooh, it's
Your lucky day.
28
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,033
Well, shouldn't
We return it?
Yeah.
29
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:11,537
Sure. That's... Kind
Of what I was...Saying.
30
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:14,740
[all slurping]
31
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,677
Nice!
Nice!
32
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,178
Woof woof woof!
33
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:21,713
Woof woof woof
Woof woof!
34
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,919
Mary! Nina!
Hey, mary!
35
00:02:01,921 --> 00:02:03,421
Good morning,
Dr. Solomon.
36
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:05,723
Oh! The most amazing
Thing happened to me.
37
00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:09,428
I told you, the supermarket
Door opens for everybody.
38
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,429
No!
39
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:11,430
No! No!
40
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:12,931
No. I was out
With the boys,
41
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,434
And I actually
Noticed other women!
42
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:18,103
The skinny ones
Had beautiful cheekbones,
43
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,105
And the more ample ones--
44
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,539
Well, let's just say,
45
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,775
Baby got back!
46
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,447
That's fascinating.
47
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,782
Oh, did you see any
With big gazongas?
48
00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:33,418
Some.
49
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:34,620
The point is,
50
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,955
Up until now,
The sight of a woman
Other than you
51
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:40,459
Held the same appeal
To me as, say,
A plate of eggs.
52
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:44,729
Nutritious, yes,
But ultimately
Way too gassy.
53
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,564
Now all that's changed.
54
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:47,566
It has?
Mm-hmm.
55
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,033
I finally
Feel ready
56
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:50,535
To go on
My first new date.
57
00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:51,970
Women of rutherford,
58
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,105
Look out!
59
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:57,175
Exactly
What I was thinking.
60
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:03,414
Sally, you should have seen
The look on this guy's face
61
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:04,649
When we returned his wallet.
62
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:09,187
It was the most
Satisfying experience
Of my life.
63
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,622
What kind of reward
Did you get?
64
00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:13,524
Reward?
65
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,728
Yeah. You know,
A little something
To show his appreciation.
66
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,531
We got nothing.
67
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,435
He unappreciated us.
68
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:24,436
That tool!
69
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:25,737
Gyarrhh!
70
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,943
Ok, dick, I recommend
You start with
The self-help section.
71
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,112
Now, the women there
Are nutty,
But vulnerable.
72
00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:35,179
Enough said.
73
00:03:35,181 --> 00:03:36,448
Sally...
74
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,450
Let's savor
These last moments
75
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,118
Before I meet
My new girlfriend,
76
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,453
Because when I do,
77
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,954
I'm not going to show
Any interest in you
78
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,723
Or the rest of the family
Ever again.
79
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,525
That saddens me.
80
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,730
Hello, I've...
81
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,166
Had sex before.
I know how to do it.
82
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:59,905
She obviously
Doesn't speak
A word of english.
83
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,139
Hi.
I'm dick solomon.
84
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,741
I'm tight
With the money,
85
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,409
But never
With the lovin'.
86
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:07,378
It's cold outside.
87
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:11,416
Dick, I think
You need to be a little
More casual, ok? Um...
88
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,450
Watch.
89
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,419
Hi.
90
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,420
Hi.
91
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,454
Want to get
Some coffee?
92
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:17,522
No.
93
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:18,757
See? It's easy.
94
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,425
You got to be
Doing something wrong,
95
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,661
'cause I can practically grunt
And they're interested.
96
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:23,662
Grunt?
97
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,029
Yeah. Here, watch.
98
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,433
Huhh!
99
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,934
Want to get
A cup of coffee?
100
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:30,869
No.
101
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:34,572
Huhh!
102
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:43,448
Can someone please explain
Why I struck out last night
103
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,450
When all sally had to do
Was grunt?
104
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,785
I don't know, dick.
105
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,253
Could be the boobs.
106
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:52,189
They are terrific.
107
00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:53,925
You're so lucky
To be the woman.
108
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,894
Oh, hey, men are weird,
You know.
109
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,228
You don't have to be
Nice to them at all,
110
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,897
And they're practically
Groveling at your feet.
111
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,031
Hello, sally.
112
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,566
Watch this.
113
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:03,334
Hey, don, that's
A terrible haircut.
114
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,303
Uh-huh.
You want to go with me
To the policemen's ball?
115
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,505
See?
I'm just kidding.
116
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:09,474
I see. You want
To go with me to
The policemen's ball?
117
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,909
No.
118
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,011
Look, if you'll
Just walk in with me,
119
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,512
I'll buy your ticket,
120
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,081
And I'll give you
25 bucks in cash.
121
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,082
Ok.
122
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,016
Hee hee.
123
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,252
I'd buy a ticket,
124
00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:25,089
But "Mr. Genuine cowhide"
Didn't give me no reward.
125
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:26,991
We got stiffed.
126
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,093
How about you, dick?
127
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,227
Will there be ladies?
128
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,429
How does a roomful of
Drunken meter maids sound?
129
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,430
Very promising.
130
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,365
Hee hee. Yeah.
131
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:38,636
[music playing]
132
00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:46,444
I've been watching you.
133
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:49,514
For a larger woman,
You hardly sweat at all.
134
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,386
Hey, jackass,
Want to dance?
135
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:55,854
Sure.
136
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,292
She looks nice.
137
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,594
Hello.
Would you like to--
138
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,028
No.
139
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:07,698
Bandleader: ok, men,
This is what you've
Been waiting for.
140
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,200
It's a lineup.
141
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,402
This next one
Is ladies' choice.
142
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,405
Come on, ladies,
143
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:16,307
Choose your partners.
144
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,342
[music begins]
145
00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:37,428
Dick, have I told you
That I've been in therapy
For the past 5 years?
146
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,596
No. Is it helping?
147
00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:40,598
Not right now
It isn't.
148
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,601
Well, don, at least
We have each other.
149
00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:44,602
Yeah.
150
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:45,603
Dance?
151
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:46,604
Oh, yes!
152
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:47,605
Not you.
153
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,740
Later, dick!
154
00:06:58,718 --> 00:06:59,884
Hi.
155
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,218
Hi.
156
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:02,286
You're on my coat.
157
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:03,321
Oh.
158
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:14,865
Well, uh, you could put
An ad in the personals.
159
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,968
You just describe yourself
And the kind of woman
You want to meet.
160
00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:19,470
Ok. Here, uh,
161
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:21,105
Take this down.
162
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,242
Uh, desperate,
Lonely white guy...
163
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,910
Seeks
Acclaimed beauty queen.
164
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:28,146
Runners-up
Need not apply.
165
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:30,748
You take
The runners-up...
166
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:34,051
Just no
"Miss congeniality."
167
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:35,420
Here.
168
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,422
How about this?
169
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:38,990
"If you believe
In miracles,
170
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:41,426
"Love at first sight,
And breakfast in bed,
171
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,994
Contact me for
Adventures in truth."
172
00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:45,930
[gasps]
173
00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:48,533
What a wonderful line!
That's brilliant!
174
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:58,376
Yeah?
What's up?
175
00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,011
It's us.
176
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,881
The guys who
Returned your wallet.
177
00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:05,483
Right. What
Can I do for you?
178
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,885
Well, uh,
We were just wondering
179
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:12,123
How you and your wallet
Were doing.
180
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,224
Great.
181
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,392
So then it's,
Uh, working out?
182
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,061
Having your wallet
Back and all?
183
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,128
Yeah.
184
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,295
And, uh, tell me,
185
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:19,463
When you did get
Your wallet back,
186
00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:21,566
Did you feel
A huge sense of...
187
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:22,567
Relief?
188
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:23,735
Maybe even,
Oh, I don't know,
189
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,469
Say, gratitude?
190
00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,405
I sure did.
Thanks, guys.
191
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:30,675
Oh, there goes my phone.
I gotta go. Bye.
192
00:08:32,745 --> 00:08:34,912
I didn't hear
His phone ringing.
193
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:36,914
That guy is good.
194
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,221
Oh, good news, dick.
195
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,922
Your ad
Is getting responses.
196
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:45,923
Ooh.
How--how many?
197
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:47,658
5, but 3 of them
Were hangups.
198
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:50,929
Ok. Um, "Successful,
Self-made businesswoman.
199
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:54,099
Enjoys classical music,
Long walks,
And the arts."
200
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,133
Oh, I love the arts!
201
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,935
"Passions include karate
And revenge."
202
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,069
Yes!
203
00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,371
No.
That's a red flag.
204
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:02,874
Ok, the second one
Is, "Your words
Opened my heart.
205
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,376
"If you want
To hear more,
206
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,378
"Meet me
At johnny foam's
Tonight at 8:00.
207
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,980
"I'll be wearing
A white carnation.
You wear one, too.
208
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,048
Must have job."
209
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,449
I have a job! Oh!
210
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:12,883
This is incredible!
211
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:17,222
What a spectacular story
This will make
For our grandchildren!
212
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,226
Would you like
Some coffee?
213
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:26,297
That's sweet of you
To offer, but I
Already have a date.
214
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,267
Hello, mary.
215
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:31,402
Oh, hello, dick.
216
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,004
I'd ask you
To sit down...
217
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,471
But I'm
Meeting someone.
218
00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:36,074
[whispering]
So am I.
219
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,313
Oh, no!
220
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,314
Oh, no!
221
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,448
Ughhh!
222
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,918
Mary, what are you doing
Answering a personal ad?
223
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,753
Don't you know that
Only twisted weirdoes
Place those things?
224
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,589
Well, I do now!
225
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,623
Ok.
226
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,925
Here's the deal:
227
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,160
We speak of this...
228
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:57,762
To no one!
229
00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,431
I don't even want
To speak of this
To you!
230
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,366
Ohhh! Ughhh!
231
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,368
Uh, miss,
232
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,403
Do you still want
To have that cup
Of coffee with me?
233
00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:08,272
I'm the waitress.
234
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,273
I know.
235
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,209
[sobs]
236
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,949
Hey.
237
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,851
What's with
The nerd kit?
238
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,520
Well, since I'm
Destined to be alone
The rest of my life,
239
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,655
I--I thought
I needed something
To keep me busy,
240
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,191
So I stopped
By the hobby shop.
241
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,425
Ohh! Choo-choos!
242
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,693
Hands off!
243
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:30,361
You can only play with them
244
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,930
When you've completely
Lost the ability
245
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,398
To attract
The opposite sex.
246
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,866
I'm going
To go see a movie.
247
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,502
[telephone rings]
248
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,807
Hello?
249
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,308
Who?
250
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,510
Paul?
251
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,145
Oh. Yeah,
You can come over.
252
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,148
I don't know
If I'll be here. Whatever.
253
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,582
That should be interesting.
254
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:52,650
Who's paul?
255
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,985
Some bozo I met at
The policemen's ball.
256
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:56,320
He's coming over
Tomorrow.
257
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:57,821
Well,
If you don't like him,
258
00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,124
Why are you letting him
Come over?
259
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,324
Research.
260
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,492
I want to see
If there's any limit
261
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,827
To the abuse
A man will take
On this planet
262
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,662
Before he finally
Tells me to go to hell.
263
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,866
Ah, that's different.
I thought you were
Just being mean.
264
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,734
Not this time.
265
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,359
Hey, rick, um...
266
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,194
Did you by any chance
See a wallet
Anywhere around here?
267
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,195
Oh, yeah.
268
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:39,863
Oh, god,
Thank you!
269
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:43,735
And now what better way
To express my thanks
Than, uh,
270
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:47,005
With an always-welcome
Cash reward.
271
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,606
Thanks.
272
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,811
Once again, I'm
A little disappointed.
273
00:11:58,451 --> 00:11:59,484
Hello, sally.
274
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,952
I thought you were
Supposed to be on duty.
275
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,820
I am, but dick
Asked me to pick up
276
00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:05,823
Some little plastic men
At the hobby shop.
277
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:07,492
He said it was urgent.
278
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,326
Oh, don,
I'm so worried about him.
279
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,828
No two ways about it.
280
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,830
He needs a chick,
Sally,
281
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:13,831
And fast.
282
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,666
Could you
Fix him up, don?
283
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:18,335
Well, I don't
Know anyone, but...
284
00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:21,639
Maybe bibi does.
285
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:22,740
Bibi, don?
286
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,274
Bibi, baby.
287
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:29,179
I...Met her at
The policemen's ball.
288
00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,916
[train whistle blows]
289
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,184
[toot toot]
290
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,486
I got the stuff, dick.
What's the emergency?
291
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,187
What's the emergency?!
292
00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,256
I've got a commuter line
Due at 6:13
293
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,126
And no one's there
To board the train!
[blows train whistle]
294
00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:44,996
Oh, no!
The erie-lackawanna's
Right on time!
295
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,964
Here, don, hand me
Those commuters!
296
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,099
Ok.
297
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,301
Ok, junior, you hold
The vicar's hand now.
298
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,270
Porter! Porter!
299
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,806
Oh, good.
We made it.
300
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,808
Uh...Dick,
301
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,810
Why don't we take
A little breather
302
00:12:58,812 --> 00:12:59,978
And get
A couple of drinks?
303
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,345
Oh. When?
304
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:04,549
I got to glue
The orange roof
On my howard johnson's.
305
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:05,816
Yeah, I understand,
But, you know,
306
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:07,785
Maybe things will
Slow down a bit.
307
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,853
Oh. Not likely.
308
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,822
[blows whistle]
All aboard!
309
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,590
Next stop, white plains!
310
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:13,825
Choo choo choo choo.
311
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,126
[blows train whistle]
312
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,332
Dr. Solomon,
This arrived in the mail.
313
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,333
Oh, good.
314
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,169
My hospital's here.
315
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:28,373
Your tiny little doctors
Will be so relieved.
316
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,942
Hmm. I guess.
317
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:33,811
Dick,
What's bothering you?
318
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,647
Well, nobody likes me.
319
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,782
Oh, I find that
Hard to believe.
320
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:38,783
You do?
321
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:39,784
Well, sure.
322
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:42,620
Oh, ok,
So we broke up,
323
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:46,124
But--but I saw
Something in you once.
324
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,894
Surely someone else
Will see that, too.
325
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:51,062
Really?
326
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,563
That means a lot,
327
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:56,367
Coming from someone
Who's pretty great
Herself.
328
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,269
Well, I meant it.
329
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,538
I meant it, too.
330
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,640
Thank you.
331
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,142
You want to do it?
332
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,710
No!
333
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:08,779
I understand
Completely.
334
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:14,018
Have a good time,
Sally.
335
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,252
I hope she likes you.
336
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,388
Thanks.
I hope he tells
You to piss off.
337
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,390
I've got
My fingers crossed.
338
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:20,925
Sally?
339
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:23,828
Yeah, I'm up here,
Genius.
340
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,563
Throw those
Over there,
Would you?
341
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:26,764
Ok.
342
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,566
I hope you're hungry,
'cause I made dinner.
343
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:29,567
Oh, you didn't have to.
344
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:30,735
Well, actually,
345
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:31,935
You should taste it first
Before you say anything.
346
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:33,604
Bring it out.
I'm starving.
347
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,507
Ok. Actually, I was hoping
You'd scrub the stains
Out of my carpet first.
348
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:37,641
Ok, and then dinner?
349
00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:38,643
And then laundry.
350
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,577
Oh. Sounds like a plan.
351
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,515
Don: so--so--so...
352
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,284
I'm reading
The miranda rights
To this girl
353
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,786
Whose name actually
Turns out to be...
Miranda!
354
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,288
Ha ha ha ha!
355
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,023
Ha ha ha ha!
356
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,658
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
357
00:14:58,798 --> 00:14:59,797
Anything--
358
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:01,298
Anything
Funny like that
359
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:02,400
Ever happen
To you, dick?
360
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,370
No.
361
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:09,306
Wouldn't
You know it?
We're out of jicama.
362
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,008
We need to get
Some jicama.
363
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,409
Come on, dick, let's
Get some jicama.
364
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:14,345
Jicama. Let's
Get some jicama.
365
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,747
Which one
Is jicama?
366
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,248
I don't know!
367
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,817
What are you doing?
368
00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:21,819
I'm throwing you
Slow balls,
369
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:24,922
And you're--you're doing
Your rain man impression.
370
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,258
I just don't know
What to say to women.
371
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,259
All right.
372
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,661
Um, if you
Get in trouble,
373
00:15:29,663 --> 00:15:32,330
You just take
A sip of your drink.
A sip of your drink.
374
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:34,231
I'll notice, and old donnie
Will come to the rescue.
375
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,233
Ok.
376
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,136
Don: ah.
377
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,837
So, uh, dick,
378
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,273
Celia tells me that
She finds physics
379
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,775
To be a
Fascinating subject.
380
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,543
Oh, yes!
381
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,781
Feta! Oh,
We're out of feta!
382
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,282
We need
To get some feta.
383
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,383
Let's get some feta.
384
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,288
Which one is feta?
385
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,789
I don't know!
386
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,291
What are you doing?
387
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,793
Look,
You hung me out
To dry there.
388
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,661
Hung you out to dry?
You're a physics professor.
389
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:06,130
I just
Get so nervous!
390
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:07,164
You're nervous?
391
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:09,800
I got pit stains
The size of dinner plates!
392
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:13,137
Look, I'm just starting out
Here with bibi, you know?
393
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,205
You got
To help me out, ok?
394
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,539
All right, I'll try.
All right.
395
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,814
So, dick, um...
396
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,382
Do you have any...
397
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:26,417
Hobbies?
398
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,818
Hobbies?
399
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:28,953
Hobbies?
No, no--
400
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,154
As a matter of fact,
I do!
401
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,155
Croutons!
402
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,089
Come on!
403
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,027
There he is.
404
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,462
Here's the plan.
405
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:40,331
You take a bite
Of biscotti and act
Like you're choking,
406
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,267
And when he
Comes over to give you
The heimlich maneuver,
407
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:44,869
I'll pick his pocket.
408
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:50,040
And this time,
We don't give it back
Till we get a reward.
409
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:52,043
Just, uh,
Wait for me to get
Over to the counter.
410
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,785
[gasping]
411
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,887
[gasps]
412
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,292
[spluttering]
413
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:10,795
[choking]
414
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,630
[shouting]
415
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:13,798
Miss, you don't--
416
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,733
No, you don't--
417
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:26,310
You should be
Ashamed of yourself!
418
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,479
Just sitting here
While this man was choking!
419
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:31,616
I was choking!
420
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,652
What have I got to do
To get you two guys
Off my back?
421
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,522
Well, how about coughing up
A reward, tightwad?
422
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:38,756
All right, fine.
423
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:41,125
Here. Thank you
So much for your
Thoughtful deed.
424
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,660
Please.
Please have $20.
425
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,261
Actually...
426
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:48,765
Thank you,
But we can't
Accept this.
427
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:52,036
Yeah. Goodness
Is its own reward.
428
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,871
Whatever.
429
00:17:56,142 --> 00:17:59,410
That was
A classy move there,
Not taking the money.
430
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,112
Yeah. Most guys
Would have taken
The money.
431
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,780
Well, most guys
Don't have class.
432
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,315
I feel warm inside.
433
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,220
Nice!
Nice!
434
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:14,692
Sally, you put
The chicken in the oven,
Like, a minute ago.
435
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,761
I don't think it's done.
436
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,664
You mean you're
Not going to eat it?
437
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,435
Yes, of course.
438
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,338
Mmm-mmm!
439
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:30,441
Ok, well, good,
'cause I have
A surprise for you.
440
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,443
Yeah. You remember
When I said
441
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,513
That I have
A chest of drawers
Filled with lingerie?
442
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,181
Oh, yeah.
443
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:38,816
Well, I was wondering
444
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,551
If you would mind
Lifting it up
445
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:43,321
And hauling it
To the other side
Of the house...
446
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,456
And back.
447
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,390
Right now.
448
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,559
Uh...
449
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:49,560
No problem.
450
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,296
Ha ha ha--
Oh, gosh.
451
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,699
My god, I'm so hot,
I killed him.
452
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,770
Lately, I've been
Spending a lot of time
453
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,238
Fooling around
With models--
454
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,773
[tapping cup]
Dick.
455
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:04,275
Don thinks I shouldn't
Talk about it.
456
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:06,343
He thinks
Models are dumb.
457
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:10,348
But, actually,
Most of them are
Very exciting and fun.
458
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:13,618
Why is it the fantasy
Of every loser
To date models?
459
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,052
Date? What are you
Talking about?
460
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,887
Well, what are you
Talking about?
461
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,422
Model trains.
462
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:21,792
Oh, my go--
I'm so--
463
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,428
I--I--I--I thought
You meant models.
464
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:26,163
You know. Women.
465
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,164
Oh, models!
466
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,867
Tall, leggy models!
467
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,370
No! No!
Ha ha ha ha!
468
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,672
No, I was talking
About--ha ha ha ha!
469
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,575
Dick with beautiful models.
That's a funny one.
470
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:40,144
Yeah. If I was
Hanging around with models,
471
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,846
Why would I
Be here tonight?
472
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:47,150
Oh, I--I am so sorry.
473
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,019
That came out all wrong.
474
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,154
You see, that's exactly
Why I'm such a loser!
475
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:52,422
I'm not suave
476
00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:54,825
With all the slick lines
And the right things to say.
477
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,827
I'm lucky to be here
With anybody,
478
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,630
Especially with women
As nice as the two of you.
479
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,198
Oh, you're
Not that bad.
480
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,200
No, really, I--I'm sorry.
481
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,835
I have ruined
Your whole evening.
482
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,004
I've just come out of
A relationship with a woman
483
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:08,505
That I gave
My heart and soul to,
484
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,841
And I-I-I-I'm just
Not very good at this.
485
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,043
I'm sorry.
486
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:14,611
Ohhh!
Ohhh!
487
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:19,616
Oh, no, you're
Doing just fine.
488
00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:20,617
I am?
489
00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:21,619
He is?
490
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,254
Yes.
491
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,588
You know,
I'm not suave.
492
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:26,356
Oh, don.
493
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:28,592
I'm not. I'm
Kind of a loser.
494
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,028
No, you're not.
495
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:34,598
I'm...Too shy
And sensitive and...
496
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,233
I got
This terrible rash.
497
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:39,169
Pickled beets!
[stammering]
498
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,308
Dick.
499
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:46,310
That celia woman
Called for you
Again.
500
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:48,079
Oh, I'm
Not surprised.
501
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:51,281
I've discovered
The most powerful
Aphrodisiac there is.
502
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:52,483
What,
Self-confidence?
503
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:55,119
No. Self-loathing.
504
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,755
Well, I thought
It was 2 tickets to
An eddie money concert
505
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,024
And a bottle
Of jagermeister.
506
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,459
No. No.
As I see it,
507
00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:04,795
Women don't want
A finished product.
508
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,964
They crave
A fixer-upper.
509
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:08,332
That is so weird.
You know,
510
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:10,801
Women don't want men
Who are perfect,
511
00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:13,304
But all men
Want a woman who is.
512
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:16,073
Well, paul found
A perfect woman and
It almost killed him.
513
00:21:16,075 --> 00:21:17,274
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
514
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,443
You know, he called
From the hospital.
515
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:20,444
Hmm.
516
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:21,512
What a nice guy.
517
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:22,613
As far as I'm concerned,
518
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,915
My perfect woman
Isn't perfect at all.
519
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:26,350
She could be shortish,
520
00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:27,351
Slightly neurotic,
521
00:21:27,353 --> 00:21:28,852
Perhaps a bit bitter,
522
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:29,853
Someone like--
523
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,355
Oh, I don't know--
524
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:32,556
Mary albright.
525
00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:33,557
Oh, god!
526
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:35,893
It's just
An example.
527
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,131
Captioned by the national
Captioning institute
--www.Ncicap.Org--
528
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:56,980
Urggh!
529
00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:00,917
[train whistle blows]
530
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:08,859
It was broken
When I got here.
37459
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